Title: When Heaven Comes Down

Sequel to The Heart of Everything

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Main pairing: Antti (Negative) / Mikko (Reflexion)

Side pairings; Jack (Private Line) / Jonne (Negative)

Ville (Flinch) / Lauri (Negative)

Sir Christus (Negative) /Juha (Reflexion)

Rating: NC-17
Summary: After being dumped, Mikko ends up sharing an apartment with Antti.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Betaed by DA. All remaining mistakes are mine.

Part 1

Anyway

Now I find it so damn hard to keep on breathing
And I it so damn hard to make it through to the other side
Still every time I've tried to change
The world has brought me down
And she said: "Anyway", she said: "Anyway"

Don't say you made your choice for me
Say you made it for yourself...

When Antti stepped into Amadeus, several friends noticed and greeted him. The red-haired bass player greeted them in turn and made his way over to the counter, where he ordered a beer. Looking about, he found Amadeus swarming, but that wasn’t surprising since it was a Saturday night. Sipping his beer, he leaned against the counter and waved at some fellow musicians seated in a corner of the bar. He was about to go over there and join them when he discovered another familiar face in a shadowed booth. There was no smile on Mikko’s face however. The amount of glasses standing on the table in front of the redhead showed that the bass player had already drunk a fair share of alcohol. He made his way over to Mikko and said, “Hei, want some company?”

Mikko didn’t bother to look up. “Go away!” Emptying another glass of vodka, he stared at his hand, which trembled. He had lost count of the number of glasses he had drunk. Had he ever drunk as much as that night? He placed the empty glass near the others with a loud bang. Realizing his visitor hadn’t left yet, he repeated, “Go away!” but this time much louder. He wasn’t in the mood for company. He just wanted to drink until he passed out.

Antti’s eyes narrowed. Instead of leaving like Mikko had demanded, he sat down next to him. He placed his beer glass onto the table and cocked his head in an attempt to catch Mikko’s gaze. “Hey, what’s wrong?” It was apparent that something bad had happened. Why else would Mikko drink himself into oblivion? “Did you get some bad news about the band or…?”

“I said go away!” Mikko finally looked up and glared at Antti. He didn’t know Antti that well and wanted him gone. They had only talked a few times in the past and Antti’s presence irritated him. The only person he would have wanted to talk to was Juha, but he had been unable to track his friend. “Just leave me alone!” Mikko waved at the bartender and ordered another drink.

“Hey, I like to get drunk like everyone else, but don’t you think you’re in the wrong mood for it?” Antti studied Mikko and didn’t like what he saw. Something was definitely wrong and Mikko trying to drown his problems in alcohol wouldn’t work. Antti knew that much from personal experience.

“That’s none of your business,” hissed Mikko with an odd mixture of frustration and resignation to his voice. “Just go away and let me drink!”

Antti shook his head. “I think I’ll stick around and try to get you sober again.”

Mikko’s expression darkened. “The last thing I want to be is sober!”

Antti nodded. “Your problems will still be there once you’re sober again. A hangover from hell will also be there, but…”

Mikko hissed like a cat. “Don’t lecture me! You don’t even know me!”

Antti nodded. “That’s true. I don’t know that much about you.” He took another gulp of his drink and studied Mikko’s expression, which he failed to identify the emotion of. What was it he saw in those eyes? Hatred? Fear? Loss? “I know you had sex with Juha once and that you have a girlfriend at home, that’s about it.” Suddenly, Mikko’s whole expression changed and Antti realized that he had said something to upset the other redhead. When a waiter came to place another shot of vodka in front of Mikko, Antti told him to take it away. Mikko, for some reason, seemed bewildered and didn’t protest. “Is this about Juha?” he asked, trying to get a lead on what was going on.

Mikko’s anger deflated and his shoulders sagged. Bowing his head, he closed his eyes and whispered, “I can’t find him. I don’t have Chris’ address and he isn’t answering his phone.”

Antti felt relieved. At least Mikko seemed willing to talk to him now. “Why do you need to talk to Juha so badly?” Antti rested a hand on Mikko’s arm and rubbed it under the long-sleeved shirt in an effort to be comforting.

“Juha is… I can talk to him. He’ll understand. He’ll know what to do.”

Antti blinked. Mikko had opened his eyes again and tears slipped down the other man’s cheeks. Instinctively he wiped the tears away with his thumb and then took a moment to caress Mikko’s face. “Hey, it can’t be that bad.”

Mikko suddenly burst into tears and Antti pulled him into his arms. Holding Mikko close, Antti rubbed his back. It dawned on him that he should get Mikko out of the bar and home, where they could talk in private.

“She kicked me out and I didn’t do anything! I didn’t cheat on her! I didn’t! But she…” Mikko rested his head on Antti’s shoulder, uncaring that the other man was practically a stranger. “I love her!”

“Ah…” Antti thought he understood. “Your girlfriend kicked you out.” Mikko nodded against his shoulder and Antti got to his feet, pulling the other man with him. “This isn’t the best place to discuss something so personal. Come on, I’ll get us home.” Meekly, Mikko nodded and swayed when Antti started to guide him toward the exit and Antti quickly wrapped an arm around Mikko’s waist. “Good thing I live near by!” Keeping Mikko steady, Antti steered the redhead to the building his apartment was in. Mikko had stopped weeping and was quiet. Somehow, that worried Antti and he sped up.

After closing the front door behind him, Antti guided Mikko into the living room. “There, sit down.” Mikko sat down on the couch and Antti sat on his heels in front of him. He lifted the face and saw the red-rimmed eyes which hadn’t shown in the shadowed bar. Mikko must have cried for some time. “Do you want some coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?”

“Bring me vodka. I want to forget. I don’t want to…” Mikko stopped talking and sagged forward.

Antti quickly caught him and eased him back on the couch. “Try to sleep some. You’ll feel better afterwards.”

Mikko slowly shook his head. “Why doesn’t she love me anymore? I always tried so hard! I love her still!” But then his eyes closed and his breathing deepened as he fell asleep.

Antti stroked Mikko’s brow for another minute and then got to his feet. He was no stranger to heartache either. His girlfriend and he had separated six months ago. That hadn’t come as a surprise since they had barely seen each other in the end, what with him touring and her working fulltime. It had been inevitable that they had drifted apart and they had decided to end the relationship before it became a farce. At first, Antti had found it hard living on his own, but during the last two months, he had started to enjoy being single again.

After removing Mikko’s boots, Antti collected the comforter from the guestroom and covered the sleeping man with it. He sighed deeply and wondered what state of mind Mikko would be in when he woke again. Mikko was apparently taking it hard that his relationship had ended.

Antti made sure Mikko was comfortably asleep on the couch and then went into his bedroom to undress and slip between the covers as well. He had the feeling there was more to come.

~~~

Why was the other side of the bed unoccupied and cold? Lauri rolled onto his side and blinked. A look at the clock showed that it was only nine...much too early for Ville to be up and yet, the bed *was* empty.

Lauri pulled the comforter closer to his body and thought back. The last four months had been heaven on earth. Ville had moved in and they had settled into a comfortable routine. The fact that they still had to have their first argument puzzled him, since he had given Ville enough reasons to be cross with him: dropping his clothes wherever he happened to undress, creating a mess wherever he went, or whatever he did, but somehow Ville didn’t seem to mind. Why the younger man didn’t mind cleaning up after him was something that puzzled Lauri as well. It didn’t really occur to him that Ville might actually like taking care of him.

Suddenly a noise from the hallway alerted him and Lauri pushed himself up. Listening closely, he heard the front door open and then close again. He also made out Ville’s whispering voice, which made him wonder why the younger man felt it was necessary to be so quiet. Curious as to what was going on, Lauri left the bed and wrapped the comforter around his naked frame. It was time to investigate!

~~~

“We have to be quiet! We don’t want to wake Lauri yet! We need a plan first!” Ville placed the cardboard box on the kitchen table and desperately tried to convince his little guests to see things his way and stop making noise. “I know you’re hungry and we’ve got some milk, just please be quiet!”

Ville looked about, ready to panic if Lauri should turn up. He had found the abandoned kittens and their mother in a dark alleyway meowing pitifully and he hadn’t been able to turn away. So he had picked up the cardboard box and was now searching the refrigerator for milk for the mother. He had no idea how Lauri would react to their presence. The kittens and their mother were probably infested by fleas, they stank, and…

“What’s going on here?”

Lauri’s voice startled Ville and he almost dropped the milk. Thankfully, his reflexes kept the milk from hitting the floor and he curled his fingers around it as he panicked inside. Lauri shouldn’t be awake at this early hour and he hadn’t had time yet to think of a way to convince Lauri that they should keep the abandoned felines! Turning around slowly, he tried to hide the milk behind his back, which was useless since Lauri had already seen it. “Hey, you’re up already.” Ville hated the way his voice trembled. It showed how insecure he felt about the situation he was in. “Don’t you want to go back to bed? It’s still early.” His heart missed a beat when Lauri moved toward the kitchen table where the cardboard box was sitting – well, moving about actually. The kittens were so curious that they were trying to take down the ‘walls’ of their little prison.

Lauri had a pretty good idea what Ville had brought home with him. One look inside the box confirmed his suspicions. Three dirty kittens and one exhausted-looking cat stared at him with their bright eyes. “Look what the cat dragged in,” he commented and arched an eyebrow as he looked at Ville. “What do we have here?”

Ville bit his bottom lip as he watched Lauri reach inside the cardboard box. “I found them in a dark alley when I was on my way to the bakery. Someone had cast them out, abandoned them, and I thought…” He blushed when Lauri’s gaze focused upon him. “I thought we could take care of them.” Being uncertain of Lauri’s reaction, he quickly added, “Before we take them to the vet or the shelter.”

Lauri suspected that Ville had other plans though. “You weren’t going to keep them then?” He grinned as one of the kittens tried to bite his thumb.

Ville wrung his hands. “I never had a pet and I thought that maybe we could keep…one kitten… if you’re okay with that and I would look after it!” He hated the way his nervousness and insecurity showed. Why wasn’t he able to hide it better?

Lauri suddenly realized just how insecure Ville felt and it caused his heart to twitch painfully in his chest. It dawned on him that Ville lacked the self-confidence to state that he wanted to keep the kittens. He sighed and was determined to work on that. He deserted their hungry little guests for a moment and wrapped his arms around Ville’s waist. He pulled the younger man close and looked him in the eye. “My parents always had cats at home. I love cats.”

Ville’s courage grew at hearing that. “Do you think we could keep one of them?”

Lauri shook his head and instantly Ville’s expression saddened, but the younger man didn’t protest his decision, which made Lauri worry in turn. “It’s unhealthy for a cat to be alone. We’ll get them sterilized and we’ll keep the four of them.” The smile that appeared on Ville’s face took Lauri’s breath away.

“You’d do that for me? You’d let me keep them?”

“Hey, I’m not in charge of your life. If you want to keep them, we’ll keep them. Why should I stand in the way?” Lauri stroked Ville’s hair lovingly. “This is your home too.”

Ville swallowed hard. “Maybe I’m not used to making such decisions. Most of the time either Tommi or Jonne did.”

“That has changed now.” Lauri kissed Ville on the lips and smiled at him. “Let’s clean our new housemates up and then we’ll take them to the vet to have them checked.”

Ville smiled thankfully at Lauri and pulled the older man close. “I love you.” He loved Lauri for giving him the freedom to make his own decisions and he realized that things *had* changed. His *life* had changed.

~~~

Jonne was nervous – extremely nervous to be exact. That day, he was going to meet Jack’s parents. Japa had wanted to introduce them sooner, but the tour had kept them moving about, but now that the gigs had ended, they had finally found the time to meet.

“Do you think they’ll like me? Did I dress right? Did I overdo it? Should I remove the make-up? Tie back my hair? Oh, why didn’t I go to the hairdresser like I said I would? Why did I let you stop me-” Jonne was about to go on, but Jack silenced him with a kiss and only a, “Mmmmph…” escaped Jonne’s lips.

Jack brushed Jonne’s hair away from the handsome, but nervous-looking face. “Stop worrying! They already like you! I told you that!” He had told his parents over the phone about Jonne and he knew his parents well enough to know that they would like the blond. “You look perfect. You always do!” He hadn’t thought Jonne would be lacking confidence about his looks, but he was. Especially with the fact that Jack had stopped him from bleaching his hair the last four months, it was getting on the blond’s nerves.

“But my hair is a mess!” Looking in the mirror, Jonne shivered. He should never have let Jack stop him from going to his hairdresser. Instead, Jack had convinced him to let his hair grow and, since he hadn’t bleached it in four months, it had started to grow dark. His hair was back to its natural dark-blond color and reached below his shoulders. “It looks awful.”

Jack fingered a strand of the blond hair. “It’s you. It suits you.” Jonne gazed at him thoughtfully with slight hostility, which surprised him. “It’s true! It really suits you! When you bleach your hair it… it makes you look so pale and… artificial.” Jack didn’t believe in sweet talking Jonne and always opted for the truth. He would get caught up in his lies otherwise since he simply was a very bad liar.

“That’s not true!” Jonne shook his head.

“Hey, I don’t lie!” Jack slung his arms around Jonne from behind and steered them closer to the mirror in the hallway. “Look.” Jonne looked and didn’t like what he saw, which Jack noticed. “I like you the way you are now. This is the real you. You’re not hiding behind a mask anymore and that scares you, doesn’t it? But why?”

Jonne’s expression crumbled and tears appeared in his eyes. “I don’t know… I… I don’t know!”

Jack turned Jonne around and tightened his hold on him. “Hey, it’s okay. It takes time to realize that you can be you again. You don’t have to pretend any longer.” Jonne trembled in his arms and Japa stroked his lover’s back. “Just be you… and everyone will love you – my parents included. You’re a very sweet, kind person, Jonne. Don’t be afraid to let it show.”

Raising his head, Jonne managed a weak, but genuine smile. “Sometimes it seems so unreal. All the things that changed during the last six months since you entered my life were changes for the better. I love you so much…” He rested his head against Jack’s shoulder and enjoyed being held so tight. “I just hope they’ll like me.” It was important to him to make a good first impression on Jack’s parents.

“They will,” Jack replied at the same moment that the doorbell rang. “You’ll find out in a second.” Smiling at Jonne, he wiped away the last remnants of the blond’s tears. He squeezed Jonne’s hand and then opened the door to let in his parents.

~~~

Ville sat on the rug in the living room and fed one of the kittens when Lauri joined him. He looked at the older man and smiled happily. The vet had checked the kittens and their mother over and, except for them being malnourished, they had been fine so Ville and Lauri had taken them home. The vet had also given them some special formula for the kittens and one of them was currently sucking at the feeding bottle, purring contentedly. The other two kittens had already been fed and were dozing, nestled close to their mother.

Lauri stroked the cat as she watched them alertly and then placed a bowl with food in front of her. After a few sniffs, she started eating. Getting them cleaned up had been quite a struggle and Lauri carried some scratches on his hands and forearms, but he had reckoned that she would fight him. Cats didn’t like water all that much. The kittens had been easier on Ville since they had been intrigued by the water.

“I created a nest for them over there.” Lauri pointed at the pile of old shirts which he had dropped near the heating vent. “They’ll be comfortable there.” He had also put the cat litter in easy view for them so that they wouldn’t use the whole apartment as their toilet.

“It’s a good thing you have experience with cats,” Ville said and grinned. “I don’t have a clue.” The kitten finally finished and was purring contentedly as it slept.

“It’s not that difficult.” Lauri waited until the adult cat had finished eating and then scooted her toward the nest. “Go on, little lady, you’ll be comfortable there.”

Ville grinned as, once the mother cat was moving, the kittens followed her about, swaying on their feet since their bellies were so full. He watched as they made their home in the little mountain of Lauri’s shirts and then stretched out onto his belly. He rested his chin on his braced fist and watched them as they settled down. A few minutes later, the cat family was fast asleep. Lauri settled down beside him and Ville smiled at him. “Thanks for letting me keep them.”

Lauri sighed. “Hey, this is your home too. Don’t look at me to make all the decisions.” He placed his hands on either side of Ville’s head and gently rolled the younger man on top of him. “It’s *your* life, you know. You need to figure out what you want out of it.”

Feeling nervous, Ville nodded. He straddled Lauri’s waist and then covered the older man’s body with his. “I never gave it much thought. It was… almost expected that I’d follow in Jonne’s footsteps. It was very clear from the start that I’d become a singer too.”

Lauri reached for Ville’s face and caressed the soft skin there. “Has that changed? You’ve had time to think these last few months. Flinch is… Well, non-existent at the moment and you have time to figure out what you want out of life. Do you want to continue making music or…?” It was important to Lauri to make Ville aware of his options. “You’re only twenty years old. You can do anything you want… including going back to school and studying.” He wasn’t sure why he had brought that up, but something told him that it needed to be addressed. Ville had always had excellent grades. A very proud Jonne had always bragged about Ville’s outstanding achievements. He noticed the way Ville suddenly avoided his gaze. “Did I say something wrong?”

Ville quickly shook his head. “Not really, it’s just…” Ville rested his head on top of Lauri’s chest, wrapped his arms and legs around the older man, and snuggled up to him. “I know I can never measure up to Jonne. People will always compare me to him and they’ll find me lacking. I’m not so pretty, talented, or…”

“Hey, that’s not true!”

“It is… and I know it’s the truth.” Ville sounded sad, even though he tried to hide it from Lauri. He failed of course. He had let Lauri in and the older man had learned to read him. “It doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll always lose so maybe I should stop fooling myself.”

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Lauri frowned. “Your music means a lot to you. I know that!”

“You’re right. It does, but maybe I should keep it to myself instead of trying to sell records which no one wants to hear.”

“Now stop it!” Lauri sat up and sent Ville tumbling to the floor. Lauri placed his hands on Ville’s shoulders and waited for the younger man to look at him. When Ville did, he said, “You’re only starting out! When we started out with Negative, things weren’t easy either. You don’t want to know how many times we were compared to the Rasmus, or even worse, HIM! You’ve got to believe in yourself! You’re a good singer. If you feel insecure though, take singing lessons. You’re just starting out as a songwriter and musician. Give yourself the time to grow. You’re only twenty!”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that Jonne is the rock star, not me.” Ville’s gaze wavered. “I’ve been thinking though… These last four months with you were perfect and…”

“Yes?” Lauri caressed Ville’s face.

“I was thinking about…” Ville swallowed hard. Until that moment, he had only thought about it, but once he said the words, things would change. “Maybe I could study…” He hadn’t expected Lauri to smile so brightly at him. The older man looked pleased – way too pleased. Frowning, Ville muttered, “You want me to make music, but you also approve of me wanting to study?”

“Ville, doing one thing doesn’t mean you can’t do the other! So tell me, what would you like to study? You probably already looked into it.”

“You *really* know me,” Ville said with a smile. “I did…” he admitted. “Studying the arts sounds interesting and they’re offering actor’s training as a major subject. I suck as a singer, but…”

“You don’t suck as a singer!” Lauri retorted firmly. “But I like the idea of you taking up the arts. You can combine the two, Ville. You can do your music and your studies.”

Ville swallowed hard. “Lauri, if I were to do that, I’d need… I’m not sure I can do that on my own… I would need you to…”

“Support you. I get that.” Lauri nodded. “You’re important to me, Ville and I want you to be in happy in life. You can only do that by doing the things you want to do. If you want to do this then I’ll back you up.”

Ville sighed in relief. “Flinch… and my music… I still want to write songs, but… I need time to deal with the fact that I’m a failure and that…”

“You’re *not* a failure, damn it!” Lauri fought hard against his frustration. “Ville, please, give it time.”

Ville nodded, but didn’t really believe Lauri. He *knew* that no matter how hard he tried, he would never compare to Jonne...at least not as a musician.

~~~

Sometime during the night, Antti woke from some unidentifiable noise coming from the living room. He sat up and it took him a moment to remember that he wasn’t alone in the apartment. He had found Mikko drunk in Amadeus and had taken him home. Mikko should be asleep on the couch in the living room, but apparently the bass player had woken up.

Antti found Mikko seated on the floor of the living room. The other man had wrapped the comforter tightly around his frame and was rocking slightly. Alarmed by the sight of Mikko’s tear streaked face, Antti sat down next to him.

“Mikko?” He didn’t know the other man like that. The times they had talked, Mikko had struck him as a kind person with a good sense of humor and to see him weep like this felt wrong. Hopefully, it was only the alcohol and Mikko would be more himself once the effects of the vodka had worn off.

Mikko raised his head and tears dripped from his chin. “Why, Antti? Why doesn’t she love me any more? What did I do? I never stopped loving her and then she...she didn’t even tell me in person! She told me it was over on the phone and that she never wanted to see me again!”

“Oh, I’m really sorry…” Antti really didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t good at handling such situations. In the end, he carefully placed an arm around Mikko’s shoulder and pulled him close. The redhead surrendered at once and leaned heavily against him. “Sometimes, things like that happen. You grow apart. You fall out of love. Of course it isn’t fair, but life seldom is.”

“I really loved Leena… I still do, but she doesn’t love me back.” Mikko sighed and rested his head against Antti’s shoulder. “What do I do? We shared an apartment and she kicked me out. I’m practically homeless and I can’t get a hold of Juha.”

Antti arched an eyebrow. “She can’t throw you out like that if you’re sharing an apartment! Your stuff…”

Mikko interrupted Antti. “She’d put it out on the sidewalk. It’s probably rotting away by now, since it has been snowing. Or the city services collected and trashed it.”

Antti gasped. “What? She did what? That’s… That’s a mean thing to do!”

Mikko shrugged. “Apparently she has a side I didn’t know about.”

Antti blinked. “Hey, *when* did this happen?” Just how long had Mikko been hanging out in bars, getting drunk?

“Five days ago… I took the train to Tampere, hoping I’d reach Juha somehow.”

Antti sighed and prayed for patience. “You’ve been drunk these last five days?”

“Four. The first day I tried to find Juha.” Mikko shrugged again. “Being halfway sober again sucks. Don’t you have any vodka?”

“Ei, but I’ve tea.” Antti hadn’t thought things had been so bad for Mikko. “Jonne left it here when he was visiting. I don’t like tea, but I think it would be really good if you had some.”

“Tea?” Mikko looked at Antti in shock. “Did you really say tea?”

“You need to get sober, Mikko. You can’t deal with your problems when you’re drunk and you’ve got a lot to sort out.” Antti rose from the floor and offered to pull Mikko to his feet. “Come on, take it,” he ordered when Mikko didn’t take his offered hand.

Mikko stared at the limb for some minutes, a war waging within him. Taking Antti up on his offer entailed a lot more than letting the other man pull him to his feet. It meant stopping his wallowing in self pity and taking back control over his life. The problem was, he didn’t know if he was up to that yet. Losing himself in alcohol had been the easier solution and what Antti suggested demanded courage. “I know you mean well, but I don’t know if I...if I can do that… Everything happened so fast and I have nothing left...I’m alone,” he whispered while lowering his gaze to the floor.

Antti sat on his heels in front of the other bass player and shook his head. “You’re not alone.” He lifted Mikko’s face with a gentle finger. “We’ll get through to Juha and then we’ll find a way to sort out this mess.”

“We?” Mikko searched Antti’s eyes. Why had the other man said that? They weren’t friends. They barely knew each other!

“Yes, we! You don’t think I’m letting you go back to getting drunk again? Oh no, you’re with me now and we’ll do this together!” Antti gazed determinedly at Mikko. “You wonder why…” Mikko nodded and Antti added, “It’s who I am. I… can’t do anything else but offer my help. I might not really know you, but I like you.”

Mikko slowly nodded. “Kiitos…” Raising a trembling hand, he allowed the other man to pull him to his feet. Apparently, he had made his decision.

TBC

Part 2

Paikkaan parempaan

“I’m really glad we finally got the chance to meet you. The next time, you come to visit us! You can stay in Jack’s old room. We didn’t touch it and it’s the same as it always was!”

Jack smiled happily at his mother, who had really taken a liking to Jonne, who was being cuddled *again*! If he wasn’t mistaken, she had hugged the blond more than him! Exchanging a look with his father, he knew that the older man had noticed it as well.

Jonne’s eyes practically glowed with happiness. He had been so worried about meeting Jack’s parents, but once he had, he realized that he had worried unnecessarily. Jack’s parents were fine with the fact that their son was gay and had welcomed him with open arms. He was grateful for that. “We will do that,” Jonne replied and smiled at Jack.

“Yeah, we will.” Jack escorted his parents to the front door, where his mother hugged Jonne *again*. “Are you planning on taking my boyfriend home with you?”

“I’m afraid your father won’t let me get away with that,” she retorted and smiled at her husband. “So, I’ll return him to you!” She hugged her son again and then they left.

“Your parents are amazing!” Jonne leaned against the wall and smiled happily.

Jack grinned. “I told you they would like you. You worry too much!” He wrapped his arms around Jonne’s waist and pulled him close. “I want a hug too.”

“You’ll get more than a hug,” Jonne hinted and grinned wickedly.

“Oh, in that case…” Jack lifted Jonne in his arms and ignored the blond’s protest as he carried his lover into the bedroom. “Then show me…” he whispered while crawling onto the bed. He *loved* making love with Jonne and would never get enough of the feeling.

~~~

Exhausted, Juha dropped his bag onto the floor. They had been working non-stop the last week and he felt the fatigue in his very bones. The last month had been hectic, rarely allowing for private moments and he was glad it was finally over and done with. The house which Christus and he had bought had been painted, fixed with new wooden floors, and the furniture had finally been delivered. Most of those things had been accomplished during the last week and it had taken its toll on both of them. One look at Christus who was sitting on the living room floor showed that his lover was about to fall asleep right there.

“Hey, we got a bed now.” Juha had taken his big four-poster bed with him, but it had been hell getting it into the new bedroom.

“This is all your fault!” Christus mumbled tiredly.

“Ei,” Juha countered. “*You* wanted to move somewhere bigger and decided we needed a house!”

Christus wasn’t sure he had the energy left to verbally fight with Juha, but he tried. “My apartment was too small! It’s okay for one person to live there, but not for two and your bed would never have fit in there!”

Juha accepted defeat. “Come on, let’s go to bed and sleep.” He pulled Christus to his feet and together they mastered the stairs. Once they had arrived in the bedroom, they let themselves fall onto the bed and didn’t bother removing their clothes. They snuggled up to each other and were asleep within seconds.

Juha’s mobile phone’s display was lit though, trying to alert its owner that there were new messages, but Juha never noticed it.

~~~

“He’s still not answering any calls,” Mikko said, feeling disappointed. He had tried to call Juha again, but there had been no response. Antti had told him that Christus and Juha were in the middle of moving, which was why it was so difficult to get a hold of Juha, but Mikko still felt deserted.

“Finish your tea, will you?” Antti had done his best to make a healthy breakfast, figuring that they would both be on their feet for most of the day. He had made toast, had offered Mikko some cereal, had made coffee and tea, and had even found some fruit which was still edible. Mikko had only eaten a slice of toast though and some tea.

“It tastes horrible,” Mikko commented while glaring at the cup.

“But it’s good for you! It’s some sort of herbal tea!” Antti enjoyed pestering Mikko a little. He hoped it would distract the redhead from his worries. Mikko sipped some more and then made a disgusted face. “Ah, you finished it. Good. Now you can shower if you want to!”

“You’re no fun,” Mikko commented dryly and stumbled into the bathroom. The alcohol was still in his blood and it would take him a few more hours to become completely sober again. Mikko removed his clothes, stepped into the stall, and regulated the water temperature before stepping beneath the spray. He wasn’t looking forward to getting back into his dirty clothes after the shower, but he didn’t have any spare clothes with him. He wasn’t even sure he still *had* any more clothes left! Leena had probably thrown everything out. He had never really seen it coming...or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it coming, which was more likely. But her reaction had been extreme and that was something he hadn’t been able to foresee at all.

“Hey, I’m putting out some clothes for you! We got about the same size so I hope that’s okay!”

Mikko started from his musings and looked to his right where Antti was bending down to collect his old clothes. It was a good thing that the glass door of the shower cabin had a pattern in it, so he didn’t feel completely naked when Antti looked at him and grinned. “That’s nice of you,” he managed in the end.

“Don’t mention it!” Antti put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and then left the bathroom, returning Mikko to his privacy.

Mikko washed his hair, rinsed it, and used some of Antti’s shower gel to clean himself up. After opening the shower stall door, he found two large towels waiting for him and he wrapped one of them around his hair and the other around his waist. Looking in the mirror, he cringed. He needed to shave as well. Hoping Antti wouldn’t mind, he shaved and then saw the spare toothbrush, still neatly in its packing material near the toothpaste. A smile appeared on his face. Antti really seemed to be a nice guy. Feeling grateful, he brushed his teeth and then checked out the clothes Antti had put out for him.

He stepped into the boxers and then the black jeans, which were a bit tight around the groin, but they fit and he couldn’t be picky to begin with. He also slipped into the black long sleeved shirt and bowed his head. Thanks to Antti, he didn’t have to run about in clothes that stank of alcohol, sweat, and night club.

“Hey, you clean up nice!” Antti stood in the doorway and smiled.

“Kiitos,” Mikko whispered, feeling rather embarrassed. “I just realized that those might be the only clothes I have left,” he said and pointed at the laundry basket. “If she also threw out my clothes then…” He shrugged.

“I hope she wasn’t that vicious.” Antti patted Mikko’s shoulder reassuringly. “So, what’s the plan? Are we going to track down Juha? Or do you want to drive to Oulu and see if we can save some of your stuff?” He realized that this couldn’t be easy on Mikko and wanted to help as much as he could. “Although, I have the feeling Juha might be of little use to you if he has been moving his own stuff this past week.”

Mikko forced himself to think and was amazed that he was actually still capable of doing so with the vodka in his blood. “If my stuff is really still on the street then we’ll need some sort of truck and I’m not sure how much work it will be to move everything.”

“We might need help, you mean,” Antti added thoughtfully and Mikko nodded. “Reiska can help!” he declared triumphantly. “We can call him and pick him up before we head for your place.”

Mikko nodded again. Asking Reiska for help was good. Reiska would help.

~~~

One of the kittens was asleep next to Ville on the couch when Lauri entered the living room. Ville had taken possession of their laptop and Lauri wondered just what Ville was doing. He sat on the arm rest and looked at the screen. “Ah, the University of Tampere.”

Ville hadn’t noticed Lauri coming into the room and squeaked, causing the kitten to push its already sharp claws into the fabric of his jeans, making him feel like small pins were pressed into his skin. “Don’t do that!” Carefully, he guided the paws away from his leg and then looked at Lauri. “You startled me!”

Lauri shrugged. “So what did you find?”

“I can enroll for the next course in a month, if I want to go ahead and do it.” Ville put the laptop aside, placed the now awake kitten on the floor, and watched it toddle over to the rest of the family still asleep between Lauri’s shirts. “I’m not quite sure how to finance everything though. I’ll need a job.”

Lauri considered that. “But a job means less time for studying.”

“I know that as well, but Kuvastin didn’t make me a millionaire, you know.”

Lauri exchanged the armrest for Ville’s lap and straddled the younger man’s waist. Thoughtfully, he studied the blue eyes. “I’m sure Tommi will want to help out.”

Ville shook his head. “I don’t want Jonne or Tommi to finance my studies. I want to do this on my own!” It was important to him. He didn’t want to be dependent on his brothers.

“I understand that,” Lauri remarked. “I really do.”

“But…”

“But even in ‘normal’ families, older brothers contribute in some way, especially when there are no parents around.”

Ville shook his head. “I don’t want them to pay for it. I’ll find some job and work my way through it.”

Lauri sighed, but didn’t try to change Ville’s mind again on that aspect. Instead he asked, “And what if I support you in some way? I’m not rich, but I’m not poor either.”

“Lauri, that’s your money! You earned it!” Ville wasn’t sure he could accept such an offer.

“At least let me pay for part of it. I don’t want you working fulltime and being unable to concentrate on your studies. If you’re so determined to find a job, then get one for a few hours a week.”

Ville considered that. “I might be able to live with that.”

Lauri grinned. “I knew you’d see things my way.” He leaned in closer and caught Ville’s lips in a sweet kiss. Although they had been a couple for four months now, they still had to make love with him on top, but Lauri didn’t mind. He wanted Ville to be ready to be on the bottom and wouldn’t pressure him. It would be a major step for the younger man to be on the receiving end – not so much physically as emotionally. For the first time, Ville had had some sort of control – in the bedroom and over their relationship – and Lauri wasn’t sure Ville was ready to let go of that yet.

Ville’s hand trembled as he stroked Lauri’s face. “I…” His voice shook. He wanted Lauri to be able to take him in turn, but he didn’t feel completely comfortable with that thought yet. Something kept him back, but he didn’t know what it was.

Lauri did however. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he whispered and kissed Ville on the lips. “We have time...we have all the time in the world.”

~~~

Mikko looked at Antti, perplexed. Once they had gotten on the street, a lorry big enough to hold most of his stuff had been waiting for them. “How did you do that?”

“My father helped me organize it. We’ll have to return it tomorrow, so we got some extra time in case we get stuck in Oulu because of your ex-girlfriend.” Antti got into the driver’s seat and then looked at Mikko. “Hey, you’re supposed to be coming along!”

Mikko managed a weak grin and then sat down as well. “Thanks for doing this. I didn’t really expect anything like this.” Antti pointed at his seat belt and Mikko fastened it. “Are you sure you really want to do this? It’s an eight hour drive to Oulu.”

“Do you have a driver’s license?” Antti asked as he steered the lorry toward the main road.

“Yes, but not for something this big.”

“In that case, you’ll be buying me lots of coffee!” Antti stated, trying to make light of the situation. He noticed the crestfallen look in Mikko’s eyes and cringed. “Hey, it’ll be better once we get back.”

Mikko shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea what to do,” he admitted. “I lost my girlfriend, my home, and my job since I didn’t turn up for work this last week.”

Antti sighed. “Hey, you can crash with me and we’ll find some solution for your job situation. What kind of work do you do?”

“I’m a roadie. I help out in bars and stuff. Things like that.” Mikko felt embarrassed. Out of all the band members, he was the only one who hadn’t graduated and had gotten stuck with the worst paid jobs.

“Oh, they always need help at Amadeus. I’ll talk to them! Don’t worry about that. They’re always looking for someone with experience tackling the bar, fans, and the bands performing there!” Antti was confident he would be able to get Mikko a job. “But let’s worry about that later. First, we need to rescue your stuff.”

~~~

“Chris, it hurts!”

Christus cringed. “I’m sorry! I’m being as gentle as I can!” He was getting frustrated.

“Uh, there, that’s the spot!” Juha pushed his face into the pillow and groaned. Christus was doing his best, he knew that, but that didn’t change the fact that he felt sore all over. His shoulders, back, and arms were the worst. He simply wasn’t used to hauling heavy furniture around or standing on his toes or stretching up to paint the ceiling. He therefore loved Christus for offering him a massage. The only problem was that he was so sore that even the gentlest touch hurt. He was stretched out on his stomach and Christus was straddling his waist, letting his long and agile fingers work on the sore shoulder and neck muscles. “You’re sweet for doing this.”

Christus smiled. It was nice being appreciated and he doubled his efforts to help Juha’s tense muscles relax. Adding more massage oil, he kneaded the affected areas. Reflecting on the last few weeks, he realized only too well that without Juha taking the lead they wouldn’t have come very far. Christus had already been overwhelmed when he’d had to pack his clothes. Juha had helped him get organized though.

“You’re so quiet,” Juha remarked and looked at his lover from over his shoulder. Seeing a smile on Christus’ face reassured him however.

“Hey, you’re supposed to relax and to be enjoying this.” Christus gently pushed Juha’s head back onto the pillow. “You did enough worrying these last few weeks!” Juha closed his eyes again and relaxed beneath his touch. “It still feels weird, knowing that we own a house.”

“The bank owns it,” Juha quipped. “If we’re lucky, we might own it when we’re old, ugly, and gray!”

“We’ll never turn ugly!” Christus leaned forward and placed kisses at the nape of Juha’s neck. “I’m serious though. Without you I’d still be stuck in my old life instead of finally working on making some changes. My lifestyle was my downfall in the past and you helped me change that.” This time, when Juha looked at him from over his shoulder, Christus allowed it and kissed him.

~~~

Mikko cringed when he found himself in familiar surroundings once more. Antti had driven without taking a break and they had made it to Oulu in seven hours. Turning onto the street where he lived, or used to live, Mikko’s hands started to shake. He wasn’t good at confrontations or handling conflicts and he had no idea what to expect where Leena was concerned.

“In one hundred meters you’ll have reached your destination. Please park the car.”

Antti nodded, switched off the navigational device, and then looked at Mikko. “It’s over there?” He pointed at a large, brown building. In front of it stood a bookshelf, table, some chairs, and three suitcases. The fabric on the suitcases had been drenched from the last few days’ snowfall that had melted. Antti felt sorry for Mikko, whose expression was one of defeat.

“She really did it!” Until that very moment, Mikko had hoped that Leena hadn’t put out his stuff like that and he wondered what had happened to his bass guitar. It wasn’t there along with his other stuff. Maybe someone had stolen it.

Suddenly someone called to them and Mikko looked to the right, where Reiska stood waving his arms wildly. “Antti, that’s Reiska.”

Antti had seen the other man as well. “Let’s get out.” He opened the door, jumped to the pavement, and walked over to where Mikko’s stuff was rotting away. There would be little sense in taking the furniture with them since the moisture had crept inside.

“Mikko, what happened?” Reiska had walked over to the two men and glanced worriedly at his friend. Antti had called him and told him a little bit about what had happened, but he still had a number of questions. “Why did she do that?”

Mikko shrugged. “She called me and told me it was over. I have no idea why and no, I didn’t cheat on her. Come on, Reiska, you know me! You know that’s not like me!”

Reiska nodded. Mikko *was* the faithful kind, although the bass player had received a number of invitations into the beds of some of their fans...well, groupies. “Bah, you can throw it away. It’s wet.” Reiska wished he had known about this when Leena had put the stuff out on the streets. Then he might have been able to save the furniture.

Mikko sat on his heels and opened the suitcases. One contained most of his clothes, another held books, records, and his CD collection, and when he moved to the last one, he found a guitar case hiding behind it. A quick check showed that his bass guitar was inside. Had the cold wet weather affected the instrument as well? A cold, sharp anger rose from the pit of his stomach. “Leena, fuck! Why did you do this?” he screamed and looked up. A face had appeared behind a window. A very familiar face. “Leena!”

She opened the window and glared at her former boyfriend. “Get your stuff out of here and don’t come back! I want you out of my life!” Her brown eyes shot daggers at Mikko.

“But why? At least tell me why!” He had to know! “We’ve been together for five years! How can you throw that away?” Mikko hated discussing this out in the open, but she wasn’t giving him a choice about it. He doubted she would let him into the apartment.

“You’re always away! You’re never home! You’re either working, or hanging out with Reiska, or you’re playing your music! I’m sick and tired of always coming second!” Her black hair swirled in the breeze and she pushed it behind her ear. “I should be your first priority! Not beer, a festival, or hanging out with him!” she stated and pointed at Reiska.

Reiska was perplexed. Mikko and he didn’t hang out that much together. They saw each other every Friday when they went for a beer and Mikko always made sure he was home before midnight. As far as Reiska was concerned, Leena was exaggerating!

“But…” Mikko shook his head. “I have to work! We need to pay rent, get groceries, and you’re still a student! If I don’t bring any money home then…” Antti suddenly placed a hand on his shoulder and Mikko cringed as he saw something Antti must have caught a moment earlier. A man had appeared behind Leena and had wrapped an arm around her waist. “Tauno?” What was one of his friends doing there? His eyes widened as he watched him kiss her hair and suddenly everything made sense. “You cheated on me!”

Leena cringed momentarily. “You really made it easy for me, Mikko. You were never there! You’re the reason why I…”

Antti folded an arm around Mikko and turned him away from the building. “She’s full of shit. Don’t listen to her. We’re going to get your stuff and then go for a coffee somewhere.”

Mikko bowed his head and nodded. He was doing his best to block out her voice as it continued to accuse him. Apparently he had driven her away and had ‘forced’ her to find another boyfriend. “You’re right. She isn’t worth it.” But turning away was hard.

Once Leena realized that Mikko was no longer paying her any attention, she closed the window and disappeared from it. Mikko felt relieved that she was gone. He hadn’t believed it possible that she would cheat on him and certainly not with one of his friends. She had guts kicking him out like that and putting his stuff out on the streets. She was the guilty party! She should have moved out! He felt rage, sadness, and an overwhelming bewilderment. How could she have done that?

Suddenly he realized that he was back in the lorry. Antti had guided him there and had then left him to sort out his thoughts. Looking into the side mirror, he found that Antti and Reiska were putting his stuff into the back of the lorry. Most of the furniture was left on the sidewalk though, beyond saving.

Mikko bowed his head and stared at his hands resting in his lap. Now what? What would he do? What could he do? Nothing was really keeping him in Oulu. Leena had been the reason he had stayed and not moved to Helsinki when Juha had. And yes, Reiska was a good friend, but he didn’t see him as often as Leena had declared. A bitter laugh escaped him. He really was homeless!

“Hey, move it!” Reiska slipped into the seat next to Mikko and then closed the door. “We got most of your stuff inside.”

Antti sat down on the driver’s seat and eyed Mikko closely. He hated the way Leena had ended the relationship. Mikko had done nothing to be treated that way. “I don’t know about you two, but I could do with some coffee, especially since it’s another seven hours driving home!”

Mikko didn’t react. He was still trying to accept what had happened just then.

“You’re welcome at my place,” Reiska said. “I’ll make coffee and I might even have some food left.” After Antti had nodded, Reiska directed them to his apartment.

~~~

Antti got out first followed by Reiska once they had reached Reiska’s place. Mikko didn’t move though. Antti placed a hand on Mikko’s shoulder and slowly shook the other man. “It’s time to get out. Come on.” He gently pulled Mikko out of the truck and onto the pavement. Antti hated seeing Mikko so depressed and defeated. Had Leena been his girlfriend, she wouldn’t have gotten away so easily. He was angry for the way she had treated the other bass player.

“I’m sorry for the mess,” Reiska told them as he went inside. “But I didn’t have the time – or the energy – to clean!”

Antti grinned. “I don’t mind.” Arttu’s room at their parents’ house always looked chaotic as well. He was used to such surroundings and didn’t mind, as long as he didn’t have to live that way. Looking about, he realized that Reiska’s one bedroom apartment was on the small side. The thought had crossed his mind that Mikko might prefer staying with Reiska, but once he had seen the tiny apartment, Antti decided that it would be a really bad idea. The least Mikko needed was his own room so he had some privacy.

They ended up seated in the kitchen, which was clogged with stuff varying from clothes to dirty dishes that must have been there for at least a few days since there were new life forms trying to grow on the food leftovers. “Charming place,” Antti remarked as he removed a pair of jeans from a kitchen chair so he could sit down. Mikko sat down next to him and Antti worried about the blank cast in the grayish eyes.

Reiska had noticed Mikko’s mood as well and busied himself making some strong coffee. He even found some chocolate cookies in a cupboard and put them onto the kitchen table after shoving his other stuff aside.

Antti took Mikko’s hand in his in an attempt to draw the other man’s attention. “Mikko? Can you even hear me?” He moved his other hand in front of the redhead’s face.

Mikko flinched and was forced to concentrate on Antti’s voice. He blinked and looked at the other bass player. “I… I can’t believe she did that.”

Noting the tears swimming in Mikko’s eyes, Antti knew he had to do something to help the other man release his feelings. It wasn’t good if Mikko kept it all inside. “It sucks,” he agreed and pulled Mikko into his arms. “Let it out. That will help.”

Reiska placed the coffee mugs in front of Antti and Mikko and then sat down opposite them. Like Antti, he hated seeing Mikko this way. Mikko was a good and loyal friend and to see him like this was wrong.

That Antti had pulled him close for a hug surprised Mikko at first, but then his emotions got the better of him and he started crying. “It’s not fair!”

“Of course it’s not.” Antti hugged him tight, relieved that Mikko was allowing some of his feelings out. “But you should be glad to be rid of her. She showed her true colors at the end. You deserve better than that.” He suspected that those words would be of little comfort to Mikko, but Antti wanted them out there. “You’re better off without her.”

Mikko pressed his face against Antti’s shoulder and drew in a deep breath. What the hell was he doing losing it over *her*? She wasn’t worth the amount of pain he was feeling. She had used him...cheated on him and now he was crying over her? No! Mikko moved away from Antti and wiped at his tears. “You’re right!”

Antti exchanged a look with Reiska. Was Mikko always this emotional and changed his moods that quickly and abruptly? The other night he had thought it had been the affect of the alcohol on Mikko, but now he wondered.

Reiska patted Mikko’s back. “It’s never easy being dumped like that. You know that it has happened to me in the past too, but you can’t let her bring you down like that. She isn’t worth it.”

Mikko nodded again. They were right – but that didn’t make coping with the situation any easier. “And now what? I’m homeless…”

“What about your parents? Brothers...sisters? Friends?” Antti suggested. He would take Mikko in without any second thoughts, but maybe the other man would like to be among his family and friends instead of living with a stranger.

“My father died when I was five and my mother passed away eight years ago...I’m an only child.” Mikko fought the return of his tears. He wasn’t going to cry again!

“You can stay with me,” Reiska offered, although he feared they would drive each other mad living in such close quarters.

“Kiitos,” Mikko whispered, but then added, “I can’t possibly do that. You need your space.” Reiska’s apartment *was* tiny. “I’ll get myself a hotel room somewhere and then go hunting for a new job.”

Antti shook his head, disliking the idea of Mikko being all alone in a hotel room. “No way! I have a spare room at home. Arttu stays there whenever he’s visiting, but he can crash on the couch if necessary.”

“Arttu? Who’s that?”

Antti was pleased to see the curiosity in Mikko’s eyes. “My brother. He just turned eighteen. He still lives with our parents, but he always drops by to visit for a few days.”

“And you’re sure you wouldn’t mind me living with you for now?” Mikko wanted to get his life organized again, but at the moment he lacked the energy to do so. He just wanted to fall into bed, close his eyes, and pretend everything was still all right.

“You’re welcome. Hey, we bass playing redheads have to stick together!” Antti offered Mikko his hand. “Do we have a deal?”

Mikko realized very well that accepting Antti’s offer was his best option. He really didn’t want to move into some hotel and staying with Reiska wasn’t an option either. His hand trembled ever so slightly when he placed it inside Antti’s. “Thanks for having me and the moment I’ve got a new job I’ll start paying rent and-”

Antti cut him off. “Don’t worry about that. We’ll work something out, but that can wait.” Antti grinned. This meant he had a new roommate. He had a good feeling about this working out and he hoped that he could somehow help Mikko deal with the way his relationship had ended. He liked the other man and hoped Mikko would come out of it stronger.

TBC

Part 3

Crashing Down

Juha felt refreshed and energized when he exited the bathroom that evening. Christus giving him a massage and then making love to him later had definitely given him a more healthy workout and his muscles had stopped acting up. With only a towel slung around his hips, Juha made his way over to the bed so he could study the sleeping Christus. It hadn’t taken them long to ‘christen’ the bed. The thought made him chuckle.

He moved off, allowing his lover to get a bit more sleep. Juha opened the closet and sighed, pleased to have his clothes organized again. Next to his clothes on the right was Christus stuff, which was mostly pink and red. Juha collected a black shirt, jeans, and a warm vest from his pile and slipped into the clothing. He left the towel around his hair in place and was about to exit the bathroom to make some dinner when he noticed that the display of his mobile phone was flashing, indicating that he had received some message or had missed a call.

Walking over to it, he picked it up and pressed a button. A deep frown appeared on his brow when he realized just how many times Mikko had tried to call him. There were forty-two missed calls in six days. Juha’s features contorted as he realized that something out of the ordinary must have happened for Mikko to call him that often. He checked if there were any text messages, but apparently Mikko hadn’t bothered to send him a text message. This was bad.

Juha quickly went into the living room, sat down on their new couch, and punched in Mikko’s number. “Please answer it, Mikko. Just answer it!”

~~~

Lauri felt at peace with the whole world stretched out as he was on his comfortable couch with Ville in one arm and two kittens snuggled up to him on his other side. The mother cat was licking the third kitten and keeping a close eye on him. Lauri grinned at her. “You’re being a good mum!”

Ville smiled against Lauri’s chest. He couldn’t remember ever having been so relaxed before. Sure, living with Jonne had had its benefits as well, but things had often been hectic at the Liimatainen household. Lauri didn’t seem to know what the word ‘hectic’ meant however.

“I was thinking,” Lauri started while stroking Ville’s hair. “Don’t you think you should tell Jonne and Tommi about you going back to school?” He hated the way Ville tensed against him, but he also knew Ville would have to break the news to his brothers sooner or later.

“Can’t it wait?” Ville raised his head and looked pleadingly at Lauri.

“Stalling won’t make things easier on you,” Lauri remarked thoughtfully.

Ville sighed. Lauri was right of course. Stalling would only make things worse. “I’ll give them a call.”

“Invite them over for dinner tonight,” Lauri suggested. “The sooner you get it over with, the better.”

Ville nodded. He felt nervous since he had no idea how his brothers would react to the news that he wanted to study instead of dedicating his time fully to Flinch.

~~~

“Sure, Jack and I’ll be there! Do we need to bring anything?” Jonne was pleased, but also worried to receive a dinner invitation at such short notice from Ville. It was the trembling in Ville’s voice that alerted him that something was wrong.

“We’ve got everything covered. Just be here at eight.” Ville sighed and nodded, receiving a proud smile from Lauri. He had been jittery since punching in Jonne’s number. “See you later!” Once he had terminated the call, Ville’s nervousness increased. Calling and inviting Jonne was one thing, but calling Tommi was another. Tommi wasn’t just his brother, but also his manager. “I don’t want to,” he whispered.

“You must.” Lauri squeezed Ville’s knee. “It won’t be that bad. Tommi will understand. You’ve got to believe that.” Lauri pointed at the phone in Ville’s hands. “Just do it.”

Ville drew in a deep breath and called Tommi. The phone rang for a while and he was about to stop trying when Tommi answered after all. “It’s me,” he whispered, feeling edgy.

“Ah, Ville! I was going to call you too! Can we meet? I need to talk to you!”

Ville flinched. Oh, that couldn’t be just coincidence. “Sure… Do you want to come over for dinner this evening?”

“That sounds great. I’ll be there around nine, is that all right?”

Suddenly realizing that he had been holding his breath, Ville exhaled. “That’s fine. See you then!”

Lauri smiled and stroked Ville’s back. “You did well.”

Ville didn’t feel pleased at all though. Jonne and Tommi would come over that evening and he would have to tell them that he wanted to change everything around.

~~~

Mikko had fallen asleep sometime during their trip back to Tampere, but his mobile phone woke him. Ashamed, he quickly glanced at Antti. “Anteeksi, I didn’t want to…”

But Antti waved it away. “You’re tired. That’s understandable and I’ve got the radio to keep me company.” He sang softly along with a song. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

Mikko, still lethargic from having been asleep until a moment ago, searched for his mobile phone and then found it. A look on the display made his heart beat faster. “It’s Juha!”

“Then answer it!” Antti grinned and concentrated on the road again. It had long grown dark and he needed to be alert.

“Juha? I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer!”

“I’ve been extremely busy this last week getting everything organized and I forgot to check my mobile phone. I saw how many times you tried to call me only now! I’m so sorry that I didn’t it notice sooner. What’s happened?”

Mikko felt relieved. “Leena kicked me out and I’m practically homeless.”

Juha sucked in his breath sharply and looked at the doorway when Christus appeared, wrapped in his pink morning robe. The black-haired man made his way over to the couch and sat down next to him with a curious look. Juha took hold of Christus’ hand and squeezed. “It’s Mikko,” he mouthed. “Something’s wrong.” Christus nodded and remained quiet so Juha could continue. “Homeless? But she can’t kick you out like that.”

“She did...a week ago.” Mikko bit his bottom lip.

“A week ago?” Juha’s expression darkened. “And I’ve been out of reach for… Mikko, where are you now? What did you do? Are you okay?” He felt guilty for not having been there for his friend when Mikko had obviously needed him.

“I’m with Antti. We’re on our way back to Tampere. We drove to Oulu to get some of my stuff – the things that survived being out on the streets for the last few days. Leena put everything out on the pavement and it has been snowing and that wrecked most of my stuff. I’m not even sure my bass remained unaffected.”

Juha’s jaw dropped. “She put everything out on the street? But…” He had always liked Leena! “Why did she do that?”

“You know Tauno, don’t you? Apparently she moved him in when she moved me out.” Mikko sounded bitter and defeated and felt Antti’s eyes on him. The other man was watching him worriedly.

“That’s awful!” Juha felt indignant. He had trusted Leena! Had called her a friend and then she’d backstabbed Mikko! “I’m so sorry that I didn’t check my messages… Mikko, what did you do during this last week? Where have you been?”

“I spent my nights in bars being drunk. Then Antti picked me up and took me home. I’m staying with him for a while.” Mikko glanced at Antti gratefully. He was trying to find something positive in this absurd situation and hoped Antti and he could become friends.

“We’ve got a guest room at our new house too! You can stay with us!” Juha said quickly, but then frowned when Christus shook his head. “What?”

“That room isn’t ready. We still need to paint it, the floor boards need to be put in, and we don’t have any furniture for it, remember?”

“Damn!” Juha had been a little bit too enthusiastic. “But Mikko, our couch is comfortable too!”

Mikko managed a weak smile. Juha and Christus had just moved in together and he wasn’t going to be the third person in their relationship and cause problems. No, the two of them needed to settle down first. “I’ll stay with Antti. That’s fine. Don’t worry about that.”

Juha was disappointed, but also realized the feeling stemmed from feeling guilty about taking so long to get in touch with Mikko. He had failed his friend. “Is there anything I can do?”

Antti had been listening in on the call since the volume was loud enough for him to hear everything Juha had said. “It’ll be after midnight before we’re in Tampere again.” He realized that Mikko needed to talk to Juha or at least have a friend around. “Why don’t you invite them over for dinner tomorrow? I’ll even make steak!”

Juha exchanged a look with Christus. “Would it be okay if we went to Antti’s for dinner? I really want to talk to Mikko.”

Christus nodded. “Of course.” He had no intention of stopping Juha from being there for his friend. Juha smiled gratefully and Christus rubbed his lover’s back. “Go on, tell him.”

“Tell Antti we’ll be there...around six?” It was on the early side, but he really wanted to talk to Mikko in depth.

“That’s fine,” Antti replied, having overheard Juha’s answer.

Mikko nibbled on his bottom lip. “Juha? Do you still have my spare bass guitar? You know the old red one?” He hadn’t used the instrument in over a year, but if his bass hadn’t survived the cold wet weather he would need it.

“I’ve still got it.” Juha had moved it in the other day into the basement. “I’ll keep my phone close. If you need to talk, call me even if it’s the middle of the night!”

Mikko smiled weakly, knowing Juha’s offer was sincere. “Kiitos… I’ll see you tomorrow then.” After saying goodbye to Juha, he put his phone away and looked at Antti. “I’m sorry for causing all these problems.”

Antti shook his head. “You didn’t cause them, so there’s no reason to apologize.”

“What are we going to do with my stuff? You need to return the lorry tomorrow and I’ve got no place to store things.” Mikko pulled his knees up to his chest and, though the safety belt made it difficult, he managed to curl up in his seat. He was tired – so very tired – but he couldn’t give up now. His problems were far from over and he had to deal with reality no matter how much he longed to close his eyes and let oblivion find him.

“My parents got some storage space behind their house. They live at the edge of town and we can drop your stuff off there. I’d suggest you take along your suitcases. You’ll need your clothes and having your music with you might help you feel a bit more at home.”

“Are we driving there now?”

Antti shook his head. “They always go to bed early. I have to drop the lorry off tomorrow at any rate and I’ll ask Arttu to help me unload your stuff. We’ll take your suitcases with us when we get home.”

“You got everything planned,” Mikko remarked, surprised. “No offense, but you didn’t strike me as structured. You even had problems getting that bet straight.”

“I was drunk then. I’m sober now. Big difference!” Antti sighed. They’d finally arrived. It was already one AM and he was dead tired. He had driven a total of fifteen hours that day! “I just want to fall into bed, close my eyes, and sleep!” Feeling tired, he left the lorry and unlocked the door to his apartment. Then he returned to the lorry, opened its back, and unloaded the suitcases. “Here, you’ll probably want to carry this yourself,” he said and handed Mikko the guitar case.

Mikko took hold of it and also grabbed the heaviest suitcase. Together the two of them managed to haul everything inside. Antti went back outside to lock the lorry and then joined Mikko again, who stood looking rather lost in the living room. “The spare room is over here,” Antti said and carried the suitcase of clothes with him as he showed Mikko the guest room. “It’s not big, but it should do.”

Actually, the guest room wasn’t that small. It was the same size their bedroom had been with Leena. Almost immediately, a lump formed in Mikko’s throat and he found it hard to breathe. Everything came crashing down around him and he failed to stop the tears. For one moment, his vision blackened and he swayed.

“Hey, don’t faint on me.” Antti quickly put down the suitcase and folded an arm around Mikko’s shoulder. “Sit down for a moment.” He guided Mikko to a comfortable chair standing beneath the window and waited for the other man to sit down. “Just give me a moment to get the bed ready. It’s been a while since I last changed the bed linen.” Normally he only did that when Arttu announced a visit.

Mikko found himself watching Antti as the redhead moved through the room, putting everything back in order. The bed was made, the light on the night stand went on, and Antti even unpacked his clothes, putting everything neatly into the closet.

“There’s some of Arttu’s stuff still in here, but just ignore it, okay?” Antti turned and watched Mikko closely. Mikko’s eyes were already closing. He went over to his guest, sat on his heels, and gazed at him questioningly. “Is there anything I can before you go to sleep?”

Mikko looked at Antti in both embarrassment and need. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” If he hadn’t been already half asleep, exhausted, and too far gone to care about how Antti might reply to that, he would never have said it.

Antti nodded. He knew what Mikko was trying to tell him. He wouldn’t want to be alone either had he been in Mikko’s situation. “I’ll stay with you tonight.” He hauled Mikko to his feet and helped him over to the bed. It was a good thing he had bought a full-sized bed back then, doubling the capacity of guests that could stay as long as they were willing to share a bed. “Try to cooperate, yes?”

Mikko wanted to cooperate, but his body wouldn’t. He glanced at Antti apologetically when the redhead struggled to get him out of his coat, shirt, and last but not least his boots and jeans. “Anteeksi,” he mumbled as his eyes half closed, already on his way to dozing off.

“It’s okay. It’s been a long day for you.” Antti lifted Mikko’s feet and maneuvered him into the center of the bed. “I’ll be right with you!” He tucked Mikko in then left the room to secure the front door and check if all the windows were closed. Once he was certain that nothing would disturb their sleep that night, he returned to Mikko. He made quick work of removing his clothes, but kept his boxers on. He retrieved one of Arttu’s shirts from the closet and then slipped between the covers next to Mikko.

Mikko was already asleep, but the feel of a warm body lured him closer and he cuddled up to Antti, wrapping himself around the other man. Amused, Antti patted Mikko’s hair. Well, he didn’t mind. It was a cold night and he had switched off the heat when they had left for Oulu. It would take a while for the apartment to warm up again and Mikko was the perfect portable heater.

~~~

Christus pulled Juha closer and wrapped his arms even tighter around the redhead. During dinner, Juha had barely managed a bite and had been distracted all evening. When they had finally gone to bed, Juha had started talking, telling him how guilty he felt for not having been there for Mikko when his friend had needed him. Juha had eventually fallen asleep in his arms, but even now the redhead’s face showed deep lines of worry and guilt.

Christus understood why Juha felt that way and hated the fact that he couldn’t do anything to help. The last week had been hectic and Juha had put all of his energy into getting their home ready, so he hadn’t checked his mobile phone. It was perfectly understandable, but Christus realized that Juha didn’t see it that way. The redhead blamed himself for not checking his calls and failing Mikko, which was nonsense. Things had been hectic and then had gone wrong.

Juha moved restlessly in his sleep and Christus immediately soothed him. His lips brushed Juha’s brow as he stroked his lover’s back. “Don’t worry. Please don’t. You didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened!”

Juha’s sleep grew calmer after that, but Christus remained vigilant and didn’t sleep that night, keeping an eye on Juha’s mobile phone as well just in case Mikko called. In the past, Juha had taken care of him and had been there for him when he had needed the support. Now, Christus was going to do the same for his lover.

~~~

One of the kittens, which Lauri had named Musta because its fur was pitch black, had settled in the crook of Ville’s arm and was enjoying being pet. Stroking the kitten also helped Ville relax since his nervousness had continued to build during the evening.

Jonne had brought Jack along which Ville should have expected, but he had somehow hoped that his brother would show up alone. He really needed to talk to Jonne in private and no matter how much he liked Jack, the other man made him feel uncomfortable.

“Dinner’s ready,” Lauri announced as he placed the two bowls filled with pasta and sauce on the dining table. “I hope Tommi shows up soon or else the food will grow cold.” It was already a quarter past nine. “Let’s eat anyway!”

Jonne, Jack, and Ville settled down at the dining table. Ville was relieved that the kittens’ antics were making everyone laugh. Lauri, Jonne, and Jack seemed comfortable and relaxed, but Ville was barely containing the urge to bite his fingernails.

The doorbell rang and Lauri answered it. A few minutes later, Tommi appeared in the doorway. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he stated. “But I had to make some last minute calls! Uh, that smells and looks good! Who cooked?”

“I did,” Lauri answered and served Tommi some pasta which he topped with sauce. “No wine though, only water or juice.”

“I’m fine with that.” Tommi was proud of them for staying sober. He knew it had to be hard on them as temptation lurked everywhere. He nodded at Jonne and Jack and then looked at Ville again. “Family meeting?” He had known something had been up the moment his youngest brother had called to invite him to dinner.

Ville placed his fork down and coughed, trying to rid himself of the lump of emotions that clogged his throat. “I need to talk to you…and Jonne.”

“Want me to leave?” Jack asked as he surmised that his presence might make Ville nervous.

Ville shook his head. Jack wouldn’t get involved in a family matter. He knew that. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he said and his gaze shifted in-between Jonne and Tommi. “I’ve been thinking about my life and my future.” He flinched as he wondered on how they were going to react to his announcement. Lauri reached for his hand and Ville quickly curled his fingers around his boyfriend’s, grateful for the support.

Jonne and Tommi exchanged a look. They weren’t surprised to hear that. On a subconscious level, they had both been hoping that Ville would sort out his priorities.

“And what did you come up with?” Tommi asked when it became obvious that Ville was staying quiet. Tommi frowned. Ville almost looked scared, but why would his youngest brother be afraid to continue? Tommi curled his fingers around Ville’s other hand and squeezed gently. “You can tell us. No matter what you’ve decided, Jonne and I’ll back you up.” He would go to great lengths to make sure his youngest brother was happy because being happy meant Ville had no reason to drown his fears or problems in alcohol. “We love you.”

Jonne nodded. “Whatever you want to tell us, it’s okay. We’ll make it together like we did in the past.” Since Ville didn’t have a third hand left to squeeze, Jonne went for Jack’s instead.

“I don’t know where to start.” Ville swallowed hard and looked to Lauri for encouragement. The older man nodded and Ville drew in a deep breath, knowing he had to speak.

“Anything’s fine,” Tommi offered. “The beginning, if that makes it easier.”

Ville took another deep breath and squeezed Lauri’s hand. “I want to go to the university and study.” He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for either Tommi or Jonne to lecture him.

Jonne blinked. This time Ville *had* surprised him. That was something he hadn’t expected to hear, but he *did* like the idea of Ville taking classes. He looked at Tommi and saw the surprise in his brother’s eyes, but only for a moment. Tommi grinned too. Jonne smiled at Ville, but then realized that his younger brother’s eyes were shut. “That’s an excellent idea!”

Ville couldn’t believe he was actually hearing that and his eyes opened and widened. In disbelief, he stared first at Jonne then at Tommi. “You’re not cross with me for...”

“Why do you think we would be?” Tommi rubbed Ville’s fingers.

“I thought you’d be disappointed with me… I know how much time, energy, and money you’ve invested in Flinch and…” Ville cringed. “I don’t want to stop writing music, but… I know I’ll never compare to Jonne and…” There, he had finally said the thing that had always remained unspoken...hidden.

Jonne shrunk into himself. He had always suspected...known...it, but had never addressed it. “Ville, you don’t… You shouldn’t…” Damn, why wouldn’t the words come to him?

Ville shrugged and then met Jonne’s eyes. “I know I’m not as good a singer as you are. My songs are mediocre… I’m not a great performer and the album… Let’s face it… I’ll never be as good as you are.”

Tommi sighed deeply. “This is my fault,” he said, drawing everyone’s attention. “When Jonne was doing well with Negative, I thought that you’d follow in his footsteps and pushed you. Maybe even pressured you.”

Ville’s eyes widened. “Ei, it’s not like that! I wanted to make music! I wanted to sing, but it just took me some time to realize that I’ll always be second best. No matter how hard I try. I’m not Jonne…and I have to stop trying to be like him!”

Jonne’s heart twinged painfully. He had always known Ville thought of himself as a failure, but none of them had actually addressed the matter. He had the feeling he had Lauri to thank for the fact that Ville was actually discussing it. “Ville, you’re your own person. No one wants you to be like me! You need to be yourself or else you’ll lose yourself… That’s what has happened, isn’t it? Is that the reason why you started to drink?”

Ville nodded and lowered his gaze. “The pressure… Everything became too much. Flinch will never be as successful as Negative and I… I’m just Ville… Jonne’s untalented brother.”

“That’s not true!” Jonne got to his feet, walked over to his younger brother, and sat on his heels in front of him. “You *are* talented, but you’re also young and… Damn it, Ville. You *know* how tough this business is! If they find some weakness, they’ll make you pay for it! Look at what it did to me! If you want to escape that and study then do that! It doesn’t mean you can’t work on your music, you know… You can still write.”

Lauri had remained quiet and merely watched the exchange. He agreed with everything Jonne had said. “Told you so,” he said eventually and grinned.

Ville peeked at Tommi. “What about you? You invested a lot in the band – in me. Aren’t you disappointed?”

Tommi shook his head. “Actually, I’m proud of you for wanting to study. Have you already looked into your possibilities and gotten information?”

“I can’t believe you’re making this so easy for me,” Ville replied unthinkingly.

“I want you to be happy, Ville.” Tommi squeezed his youngest brother’s fingers. “I don’t want you doing something that makes you unhappy and causes you to drink. I want you to be happy instead! And what made you think that studying is a bad idea?”

Ville blushed. “I was thinking about studying the arts and getting some actor’s training. Nothing really demanding like medicine or stuff…”

“Hey, studying the arts will take up a lot of time! It *is* a demanding study,” Jack said. “A cousin of mine just got his degree so I know what I’m talking about.”

Jonne rose from the floor and pulled Ville with him. They stood facing each other. “Ville, I want you to know that, no matter what happens, I’ll always love you. I’ll always support you. You’re my brother.”

Ville didn’t want to cry, but he did and when Jonne pulled him into his arms, he wrapped his arms around him in turn, holding on as tight as he could.

~~~

Antti woke during the night from Mikko moving about. The other man’s sleep wasn’t distressed and he was merely trying to turn onto his other side. Antti loosened his hold and once Mikko was laying facing away from him, he didn’t resist the temptation and spooned up behind him. It never ceased to amaze him how different it felt to hold a male in his arms from holding a female. He had been with both and he had been happy during his last relationship, but somehow something had always been missing. There simply were things a girl couldn’t do for him which a man could.

‘Argh, stop thinking that way!’ Antti shook his head. That line of thinking would get him into trouble. Mikko needed support, a friend, not someone who was looking for sex. ‘And he isn’t my type to begin with!’ It was a good thing that Mikko was asleep or else the redhead might have given him some odd looks. Hmm, so Mikko wasn’t his type? Who was he trying to fool? Mikko *was* his type...damn.

~~~

The first thing Juha did when he woke up was check his mobile phone to make sure that he hadn’t missed another call from Mikko. Relieved that there were no missed calls or messages awaiting him, he placed the phone aside and stretched. It was a good thing it was Saturday. He had needed to take more time off from work to organize the move and on Monday, it was back to work for him. Thankfully he had a very understanding superior.

“Hey, it’s way too early for you to be awake!” Christus peeked at Juha from beneath his eyelashes. “Come back to sleep.” He curled an arm around Juha’s waist and pulled the redhead into his arms again. His fingertips glided lovingly over Juha’s flank and he loved the feel beneath them. He had quickly learned that while Juha was a morning person, he wasn’t someone who liked to have sex first thing in the morning. The best time to seduce him was in the evening and Christus liked it that way. He wasn’t a morning person in the first place.

Watching Juha, Christus felt grateful that the redhead had entered his life. Juha had become his anchor in a wild sea, the life line that kept him from drowning whenever he felt down. In a way, it scared him that Juha had such a huge influence on him, but he also knew that his lover would never abuse that trust.

“But I’m awake,” Juha quipped. “Why won’t you let me get up? Then I can make breakfast and serve it to you in bed!”

“No matter how tempting that sounds, I refuse to let you go just yet.” Christus used his hold on Juha to roll the redhead on top of him. Juha purred and made himself comfortable using him as a pillow. Christus grinned. “You look comfortable like that.”

“That’s because I am!” Juha rested his head against Christus’ chest. “I’m happy.”

Christus swallowed hard. “I’m happy too, but…”

“But what?” Juha raised his head and frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Christus fingered a strand of Juha’s red hair and sighed. “I wish things were different and that you didn’t have to be on the receiving end all the time. I want you to have me the other way around as well. It’s not fair that…” He closed his eyes, blushing and feeling embarrassed. Until then, he hadn’t brought it up since he was uncertain that he would be able to get the words out.

Juha quickly placed a finger against Christus’ lips, silencing him. “I understand why you’re the way you are. I’m happy with the way things are. You don’t have to pressure yourself. I don’t want you to do something that scares you.”

Christus nodded to show that he understood. “But I want to take this step somehow...sometime. I don’t want to be stuck in his position for the rest of my life. I’m fed up with being afraid. Do you understand that too?”

“I do, but take your time, please Chris. There’s no reason to rush things and I can wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready.” Christus’ fingertips caressed his face and Juha leaned into the touch. “I mean it. Even if we can only ever make love with me on the receiving end, I don’t mind. I love you and want to be with you,” he said and looked Christus in the eye.

Christus swallowed hard and nodded. “And that’s exactly why I can do this. Why I want to do this. I love you too and I want to be the lover you deserve.” It was the right thing for him to do – he knew that. He had run away from this for too long. It was time he faced his past and dealt with it.

TBC

Part 4

Running wild

When Mikko woke, the first rays of sunlight were trying to peek through the curtains that Antti had closed the other night. At first, he felt disorientated and had no idea where he was, but then a red dreadlock tumbled in front of his face and his memories returned. He was staying with Antti, Negative’s bass player. The other man had taken him in and was helping him get his life back on track. Feeling a warm body behind him felt familiar in a way, but the difference was that normally he would wake up with Leena close and not another man.

Mikko freed himself of the embrace Antti had buried him in during the night and sat up. Swinging his feet to the floor, he noticed that Antti had undressed him the other night. Thankfully his boxers were still in place though. A morning robe hung over the foot end of the bed and Mikko picked it up. He rose from the bed, draped the fabric over his shoulders, and then looked about again.

The guestroom was decorated with bright yellow wall paper and dark wooden furniture and looked inviting. Orange and red curtains added to that warm feeling. Mikko smiled. He hadn’t thought Antti would know how to decorate. He looked at Antti from over his shoulder and grinned when he saw the other redhead fast asleep with the comforter tucked around him.

He felt curious about his new home and reckoned Antti wouldn’t mind him exploring his surroundings a bit since he was going to stay there. His fingertips moved along the backs of the books standing on some shelves near the doorway. To his surprise, he noticed several children’s books among them – fairy tales.

Moving into the corridor, his fingers glided along the pastel blue paint the walls were covered in. Even the ceiling had been painted, but with a darker blue and the white spots probably depicted clouds. The smile on his face grew bigger. Why hadn’t he noticed these details the first time he had been there?

The kitchen wasn’t that interesting though – white, like most kitchens were, with touches of green that appeared in the table cloth, several plants, and a huge green painting that hung over the kitchen table.

Moving on, he stepped into the living room again. He looked about – really looked about – and liked what he saw. It had the same colors the guestroom did: reds, oranges, dark wood, and earth tones. An odd mixture for someone like Antti, Mikko pondered, but then again, he didn’t know the other redhead very well. In the corner stood several bass guitars, an amplifier, and some boxes. A shelf ran from one side of the room to the other and was stocked with CDs. Another shelf threatened to collapse under the weight of more books and magazines. This was definitely not the way he had thought someone like Antti would live.

Then he noticed something else that had escaped him the first time around. Highlighted beneath some black lights stood a terrarium. In it, there was a rather large turtle whose eyes seemed to follow him through the room. Feeling curious, he walked over there and tapped against the glass. “Hey there.”

“His name’s Vihtori and he’s the perfect pet.”

Mikko turned around. He hadn’t heard Antti enter the room. “I hope you don’t mind. I wasn’t snooping around. I just felt curious…”

“Oh, that’s fine! Don’t worry and snoop all you want. I don’t have any secrets! But I *do* need to feed him!” Antti went into the kitchen and returned with some lettuce. “He loves this stuff.” He placed it inside the terrarium and stroked the turtle’s back.

“I don’t know anyone who has a turtle for a pet,” Mikko said, still curious.

“They’re perfect pets! You don’t need to walk them! They don’t bark or scratch and are always very patient!” Antti picked the turtle up and made funny faces at him. “He’s my little baby and he loves to run wild!”

Mikko grinned. “He likes to do what?”

“Let me show you!”

Antti placed the turtle on the floor and the animal suddenly came alive, walking faster than Mikko had thought possible. “That’s fast… Are turtles supposed to be that quick?” Vihtori was eagerly exploring his surroundings and had targeted some plants which stood near the window. That was another surprise. Antti had plants in his apartment and they actually looked rather well taken care off. The place was tidy as well – neat and inviting. “You’ve got a really nice place.”

“Kiitos!” Antti had vanished into the kitchen before returning carrying two mugs with some steaming liquid in them. “Let’s give Vihtori a few more minutes to run wild. We can have some hot chocolate in the meantime!” He placed the mugs onto the coffee table and sat down on the couch. Antti pulled his knees to his chest, lifted the throw that was draped over the sofa, and gestured for Mikko to join him. “It’s chilly!”

Antti was right – it had turned chilly in the apartment. The heating had probably been turned down for the night. He joined Mikko on the couch and allowed the other redhead to tuck the throw around them. He nodded gratefully when Antti handed him the hot mug and he blew on the surface to cool it down.

“Hold on… Just one moment…” Antti stretched, reached out, and managed to push the play button. “I hope you like old stuff.” WASP’s ‘Crimson Idol’ echoed through the living room a moment later.

“I like their music.” Mikko sipped and then coughed. Okay, he’d had hot chocolate spiked with vodka before, but not *that* much vodka! “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

“Why would I?” Antti grinned and drank his hot chocolate. “You’re more fun when you’re sober.”

“Now that’s a weird compliment…” Mikko wasn’t sure what to make of Antti. The other man’s comments always threw him off balance, but in a good way. “Hey, I saw some fairy tale books in the guestroom!

“Ah, those are collector’s items! I collect them, you see!” Antti kept a close eye on Vihtori, who had managed to knock over one of his boots and was trying to crawl inside. “Please excuse me for one moment – turtle rescue!” Vihtori had gotten stuck in boots and shoes before.

Mikko shook his head in amusement when Antti ran over to Vihtori, stopped him from crawling inside, and then placed him into the terrarium again. Somehow, the turtle *fit* Antti.

“Now don’t sulk! You know that boots are off-limits,” Antti told the turtle, who was staring ahead drowsily. “Get some sleep or eat some lettuce!” Antti waved at the turtle and then returned to the couch, crawling beneath the throw again. Warming his hands on the mug, he studied Mikko. “You look less worried… You know, more at peace.”

Mikko nodded. He felt the difference too. Looking at Antti, he realized a lot of that had to do with the other redhead. Antti had a calming influence on him and he felt comfortable around the other bass player. “Knowing that the break up wasn’t my fault helps. I’m pissed off, but… At least I didn’t wreck the relationship. My conscience is clean.”

Antti nodded, understanding Mikko’s line of thought. “It still sucks though.”

“Of course it does! I lost the apartment, my job… I don’t think breaking up with Leena was a big loss considering she cheated on me, but still... In a way I lost my life.”

“You can rebuild it here, if you want to. Tampere is a great city! You’ll like it here! I can help you get a job and my father knows someone who leases apartments. You’ll be settling down before you know it!”

Mikko stared into his mug and swirled the last remnants of his hot chocolate around. “At least Juha’s around… I don’t know that many people here.”

“Hey, you know me and I know lots, and I mean lots, of people! I’ll introduce you to my friends and you’ll be on first name basis with half the population of Tampere before you know it!”

It was really hard to feel depressed around Antti. Mikko had found himself smiling all the time and his eyes twinkled whenever the other redhead said or did something funny. “You’re not like I thought you’d be. When we met after the gig, I thought… I don’t know what I thought, but I didn’t think you would take in strays or live like this.” Seeing Antti raise an eyebrow, he explained, “Your place is tidy! You clean up after yourself!”

“You thought my place would be a mess!” Antti laughed. “It’s my appearance,” he explained while grinning. “I look like a mess sometimes, don’t I?”

Mikko’s smile was soft and amused when he nodded. “In a way you do… Antti?”

“Yes?” Antti cocked his head.

“I want to thank you for everything you did. You didn’t have to do any of that. You hardly know me and yet you drove all the way up to Oulu just to get my stuff. That’s… That was really a nice thing for you to do.” He felt a bit shy and averted his gaze.

Antti placed his hand on Mikko’s arm and squeezed. “Hey, we red-haired bass players need to stick together, okay?”

“Still… You didn’t have to do it. I owe you.” Mikko blushed.

Antti drew in a deep breath. “You don’t owe me a thing! You needed help and I wanted to help! It’s as simple as that. Hey, look at me, will you?” Mikko slowly raised his head and Antti smiled encouragingly. “You can stay as long as you want. You’ll have to get used to having a crazy roommate, but I think we’ll manage.”

“That’s another thing… You’re taking in a stranger…” Mikko felt like he was somehow taking advantage of Antti’s desire to help.

“You’re not a stranger!” Antti frowned. Why was Mikko bringing this up now? “I know you! Actually, you lost the bet and you still need to strip…” He threw that last remark in to confuse Mikko and to stop him from brooding.

“Huh, what?” Mikko frowned.

“You lost the bet. You said Juha wouldn’t let Chris fuck him, so you have to strip!”

Argh, Antti was confusing him again! “I’m *not* going to strip for you! Forget about it!”

Antti grinned and congratulated himself on distracting Mikko from his worries. “You got something to hide then? Something you don’t want me to see? Something…tiny?” Antti stared at Mikko’s groin, but, unfortunately for him, the morning robe hid those private parts.

Mikko stared at Antti in disbelief. Had the other man really said *that*? “I’m certainly not lacking!” he declared and pouted.

Antti knew he shouldn’t push Mikko any further and gave in. “Ah well, maybe I’ll find out in time.” He winked at Mikko, who blushed and then averted his gaze. “Do you want to go back to bed or…?”

Mikko checked the time. It was almost nine in the morning. “I’d rather stay awake.” If he wanted to get a job, he needed to find his routine again.

“I was afraid you were going to say that!” Antti yawned. He would have loved to crawl back into bed for a few more hours. He didn’t have much to do that day though. “Let’s see if I got something edible left to serve as breakfast!” Antti got to his feet and when Mikko went to do the same, he said, “Hey, stay here and rest. I can make breakfast on my own. I’m a big boy!”

Mikko couldn’t resist. “How big?”

Antti grinned, pleased that Mikko was playing along. “Don’t worry, big enough to satisfy your every desire!” He quickly dashed into the kitchen and searched the cupboards. It was a good thing he had built up a huge food stock the last few months. He couldn’t resists bargains and always bought more than necessary when he was in the supermarket. Suddenly, a warm body pressed against his and he looked over his shoulder to find out what was going on.

“Anteeksi, I was just curious,” Mikko explained. He had seen Mikko check out the contents of the cupboard and had wanted to see for himself what was so interesting. “You know, for someone as thin as you are, you have a lot of food in the house!”

Antti tried to look offended, but couldn’t pull it off. “For someone as thin as me, I eat lots!” He really ate a lot, but just burned it right off again. “Now scoot!” He directed Mikko to the kitchen table and told him to sit down. “I’m making breakfast so don’t get in the way.”

Mikko relented and was content to watch Antti move about. Antti made coffee, put buns and croissants in the oven, and placed marmalade, cheese, and other toppings onto the kitchen table. It was nice watching Antti being busy. It gave Mikko a sense of home – of belonging – and that took him by surprise.

“Almost ready!” Antti opened the oven door, picked up the buns and croissants while muttering curses, and then dropped them quickly onto a plate. “Hot, hot, hot!” He blew onto his fingertips to cool them.

“Try cold water,” Mikko suggested while laughing warmly.

“You’re making fun of me!” Antti sat down and transferred the buns and croissants onto their plates. “I don’t mind though… It’s nice to have company for a change.”

Mikko reached for a croissant and started picking it apart, putting small chunks of it into his mouth. “Have you always lived alone?” He was curious about Antti. He didn’t know that much about him and it was time he found out.

Antti shook his head and started eating as well. After following the bread with coffee, he replied, “Only for the last six months.”

“Ah yes, you broke up too.” Somehow that had slipped his mind.

“Yes, we decided to go our separate ways. It was the best thing for us. I still liked her a lot, but… Somehow we grew apart and love disappeared.” Antti poured more coffee into his mug. He was a people person and didn’t like being alone and, while he had gotten used to living alone, it really was nice to have a roommate...especially a cute one like Mikko!

~~~

After breakfast, Mikko showered, dressed, and then used his time to unpack his other suitcases. Antti had left to return the lorry. Mikko had been happy to let Antti take charge since he had no idea where to put his belongings.

Being alone in the apartment felt odd, but Mikko knew he had to get used to the feeling since he would be living there for some time. That reminded him that his first priority should be finding a job so he could pay rent. He didn’t want Antti to put him up for free!

Exploring the apartment some more, he realized that there was one room he hadn’t been in yet and that was Antti’s bedroom. Maybe he should stay out, but his damn curiosity made him push the door ajar to check out the room’s interior as he told himself that Antti wouldn’t mind. At least, he hoped so! He just hoped that Antti wouldn’t get home the moment he was checking out the redhead’s bedroom!

Surprised, he realized that Antti’s bedroom was more than just comfortable. The big, king-sized bed took up most of the room and was cluttered with all kinds of blankets and pillows. It looked like one giant, warm nest! Instead of wall paper or paint, the walls were covered with quills and Asian-looking tapestries. Mikko had the feeling like he had entered another world and couldn’t stop staring. Would the bed be as soft and comfortable as it looked? There was only one way to find out, but he couldn’t… no, he couldn’t and he shouldn’t…but Antti wasn’t at home, so…

Tiptoeing over to the bed, he sat down and then stretched out onto his back. Oh, this was way more comfortable than the bed in the guestroom! Mikko was about to close his eyes and savor the feeling when the front door opened.

“Hey, I’m back! All your stuff is safely put away!” Looking about, Antti wondered where Mikko was. “Hey, where are you?”

Mikko grew flustered and quickly jumped to his feet. How was he going to explain this to Antti?

Antti checked the guestroom, kitchen, and living room. He didn’t hear the shower running so Mikko wasn’t in the bathroom either. “Hey, are we playing hide and seek?”

Mikko sighed. There was no way out of it. “I’m in here…”

Antti was surprised to hear Mikko’s voice coming from his bedroom and stepped inside to find out what was going on. “Ah, there you are!” Why did Mikko look so….guilty? “Is something wrong?”

“I didn’t want to pry into your private area,” Mikko apologized.

Ah, now Antti understood. “Hey, this is your home too and my bed is great… Want to try it?” Antti let himself fall onto his back and grinned at Mikko. “You can jump on it if you want. It won’t crash.”

Mikko laughed, the notion of jumping on Antti’s bed seeming absurd. “That’s something children do!” He was relieved though that Antti didn’t seem to mind his snooping about.

“I do that too when I feel like it!” Antti got to his feet and started to jump on the bed. Pillows flew onto the floor and the bed became an even bigger mess. “Come on, it’s fun!”

Mikko smiled shyly. “That’s silly!”

“It’s fun!” Antti reached for Mikko and managed to take hold of his arm. “It’s even more fun when we jump together!” He pulled Mikko onto the bed, but the other redhead failed to get to his feet and was bounced around on the bed. The bouncing made Mikko giggle and before he knew it, he was laughing loudly. When Antti finally stopped jumping and ended up sitting down, Mikko was still holding his stomach and rolling over the bed, laughing.

Tears flowed down Mikko’s face from mirth and he wiped them away. He had never met someone like Antti before and he didn’t really know how to act around him. Sitting up, he couldn’t stop smiling at the huge grin which seemed glued to Antti’s face. “I don’t know what to make of you,” he said in a moment of total honesty.

“I’m simply unique.” Antti continued to smile. “Hey, what do you want to do today? Jumping on the bed gets tiring when you do it all day!”

“I should find a job,” Mikko responded. “That’s the first step. And once I have a job, I can pay rent and eventually I can hopefully get my own place.”

“You don’t have to pay me rent. That’s stupid! Save your money! You’ll need new stuff for your apartment!”

“But…”

“No buts!” Antti put his foot down. “If you want to ‘pay’ me for letting you stay, you can help out getting groceries, cook, clean, and stuff like that.” Antti glanced hopefully at Mikko. “What do you say to that?”

Mikko nodded after a moment’s thought, knowing Antti well enough by now to know that the other redhead wouldn’t be swayed. “Sure, I’ll help out.” He was the homely kind of guy. Like Antti, he liked things neat and tidy, but without them being sterile. “We got a deal!”

“Good!” Antti was pleased. This was working out far better than he had dared hope!

~~~

Lauri couldn’t stop watching Ville sleep. The younger man’s features were relaxed and made him look even more vulnerable. The truth was that Lauri had fallen head over heels in love with Ville some years ago and he suspected that would never go away. At least, he hoped so.

The conversation they’d had the other day returned to him and his fingers glided into the blond hair to stroke it gently. So Ville wanted to make love *that* way. He had noticed that things between them had shifted somewhat and he reckoned the time to take that step was right, but was Ville *really* ready for something like that?

“What’s on your mind?” The gentle caresses to his hair had woken Ville and he opened his eyes. Looking dreamily at Lauri, he moved closer and pressed his body against Lauri’s. “Tell me,” he whispered and then kissed the dark-haired man.

Lauri deepened the kiss and rolled Ville beneath him. He straddled the younger man and searched his boyfriend’s blue eyes. Ville loved him – he was certain of that – and Ville wanted to please him, but was this the right moment?

Ville’s mouth went dry at the look in Lauri’s eyes. It was part predatory, part adoring. “Aren’t you going to tell me?” He raised his head so he could claim Lauri’s lips again. He had never really liked sleeping in the nude, but Lauri had changed that. He loved to sleep skin-on-skin these days. They were both hard and he wondered if his boyfriend would mind giving him a hand with his ‘problem’. One hand stole down to Lauri’s groin and he curled his fingers around the older man’s shaft. “Do you want this?”

Lauri groaned and closed his eyes, praying for endurance. “Yes, but not this way,” he whispered before opening his eyes and staring into Ville’s. “I want you.”

Ville swallowed hard. He had been hoping this would happen, but at the same time he felt nervous as well. Hell, who was he trying to fool? He was about to panic. “I want that too,” he managed hoarsely. “But I’m worried something will go wrong. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You won’t.” Lauri pressed his lips onto the sensitive skin of Ville’s throat and sucked and nibbled on it. “Let me take the lead again. I’ll make sure you enjoy it.”

Ville nodded slowly. “I trust you…” Raising a hand, he cupped Lauri’s cheek. “Will there be any pain?”

“Maybe it’ll burn, but nothing major. I’ll be careful.” Lauri showered Ville’s face with light kisses. “Do you trust me to take good care of you?”

Ville nodded. “I trust you, Lauri…” Lauri’s lips descended onto his and he parted his mouth to allow Lauri’s tongue in so they could engage in a feisty duel. He hissed the moment Lauri wrapped his fingers around his erection and thrust into the hand in search of release. “I trust you,” he whispered. “I really do.”

Lauri nodded. That was what he had needed to hear. He reached for the night stand, opened it, and removed the tube of lubrication and a condom. “I’ll make it good for you, I promise.” Ville was growing tense beneath him though and Lauri resumed kissing those plump lips. Stroking Ville’s erection firmly but slowly, he guided the younger man closer to orgasm. But just before Ville could tumble over, he stopped massaging him. Ville opened his eyes and stared at him accusatorily. “Not yet.”

He uncapped the tube and put an ample amount of lube on his fingertips before lying down beside Ville. With his other hand, he guided Ville’s leg across his thigh, opening the younger man up to him. “It’ll feel odd at first,” he explained. “Not unpleasant, but...odd.”

Ville took a deep breath and focused on Lauri’s eyes. “Do it.”

“Slowly…” Lauri stated and kissed Ville again. He deepened the kiss once more and, once their tongues were engaged in a sensual dance, his fingers glided along the perineum toward the entrance to Ville’s body. He took his time leisurely massaging the outer ring until Ville relaxed. Moans drifted into his mouth and Lauri greedily swallowed them down, eagerly accepting anything Ville might give him. Then, he carefully slipped one finger past the ring and into the tight channel.

Ville’s eyes widened at the sensation, but Lauri had been right. It felt odd, but not unpleasant and certainly not painful. His erection was starting to fade since he was nervous, but he counted on Lauri to make this good for him. His boyfriend had promised he would!

“How does this feel?” Lauri carefully moved his finger in and out of Ville’s body, stretching the younger man gradually.

“It’s okay,” Ville replied eventually, lacking the right words to describe the sensation. He felt vulnerable lying there in Lauri’s arms with his legs spread and Lauri invading his body in such a way. He felt shy.

“Don’t think too much,” Lauri advised and removed his finger. He added more gel and then slipped two inside, always carefully monitoring Ville’s reaction. “And how is that?”

The sensation changed. He felt fuller this time, but still, it didn’t hurt and that was a big plus as far as Ville was concerned. He expected the act itself to be painful though since friends had always told him it had been that way for them.

Lauri continued to stretch Ville and, at the same time, he started to kiss his way down his boyfriend’s throat to a nipple. Curling his tongue around it, he licked and suckled it, cocking his head so he could maintain eye contact. With his next thrust, he aimed for Ville’s prostate and bit teasingly into the nipple which had hardened beneath his caress.

Ville’s eyes widened when Lauri touched him there. Waves of pleasure rose from his lower body and made him tremble. “What…?”

Lauri grinned. He rubbed the sensitive spot again and Ville started to pant and then pushed down, trying to get more stimulation out of the touch. “I think you’re ready…”

Ville was more than ready...he was about to come. If Lauri had done it one more time, then he would have climaxed and everything would have come to a premature end, but he was too far gone to care.

Changing position, Lauri knelt between Ville’s legs. “Raise your hips for me,” he told Ville, who promptly obeyed. The glazed look in the blue eyes proved that Ville was close, so he knew that he had to be careful not to push him over the edge. It was hard to slow down. He wanted to bury himself inside Ville and come himself, but he knew he had to pace himself.

“What’s taking you?” Ville was frustrated. Why had Lauri stopped doing what he had been doing? He needed some sort of release and he needed it now!

Lauri rolled the condom down his length and positioned himself at the entrance of Ville’s body. He placed one hand against Ville’s chest in order to steady himself and guided himself inside with the other. Ville’s eyes enlarged dramatically and Lauri told himself to go slowly.

Okay, this was different and Lauri’s cock was definitely bigger than those two fingers and… Ville groaned pitifully and his features contorted as Lauri started to sheathe himself. His breathing quickened and his fingers clawed at the sheet.

“Try to relax. The discomfort will go away, I promise.” Lauri prayed he had the patience to take Ville slowly. His body demanded that he speed up and start thrusting, but he was only inside Ville’s body halfway. Lauri paused, leaned in closer, and engaged Ville in another kiss. Wrapping his fingers around Ville’s limp organ, he started to tease it and bring it to life.

Ville relaxed under Lauri’s agile strokes and grew hard again. This time, he panted from excitement and not because he felt like he was being ripped in two.

“Yes, that’s it.” Once Ville had relaxed, Lauri moved again. He placed his head in Ville’s neck the moment they were finally fully connected and whispered Ville’s name.

Ville looked at Lauri and was overcome with emotion. He had seen Lauri lost in bliss before, but he had never seen *that* look on his boyfriend’s face. It was only then that he realized that Lauri was completely sheathed inside him. “Now what…?”

Lauri smiled lazily, licked across his bottom lip, and whispered, “Now the fun starts for real.” He lowered himself onto Ville, blanketing him, and placed his hands on either side of the blond’s head. He claimed Ville’s lips once more and then started to move. Ville’s body twitched beneath him the moment he thrust and hit the blond’s prostate.

Ville bit down on Lauri’s tongue. He hadn’t expected that feeling to return and the sensation that traveled through his body made him tremble. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around Lauri and clung to him.

Lauri thrust again, curled his fingers around Ville’s erection, and stroked in time with his thrusts. He always kept a close eye on his boyfriend, making sure Ville felt pleasure and wasn’t in any discomfort. “You’re so tight,” he couldn’t help whispering. “So fucking tight.”

Ville bit his bottom lip as he tried not to cry out too loudly each time Lauri managed to stroke that certain spot inside him. He wasn’t going to last much longer. It was too much – everything was just too much.

“Let it out,” Lauri whispered and licked along the arch of Ville’s ear. “The walls are thick. Scream all you like.”

Ville was unable to remain quiet after that and with each thrust he screamed. “So close… Lauri… So close…”

“Then let go…” Lauri sped up his thrusts as he felt that Ville was about to climax and wanted them to come together. Firmly stroking Ville’s erection, he pushed the younger man over the edge and warm cream slid onto his hand. The muscles around his cock tightened and pushed him over the edge in turn. Lauri buried his face in the crook of Ville’s neck and groaned.

They remained like that for another minute and then Lauri collapsed on top of Ville, feeling utterly depleted. “That was amazing…” He nuzzled Ville’s neck and wished he could stay inside the younger man longer, but his erection was fading and he slowly slipped out of Ville’s body. After disposing of the condom, he crawled back to Ville, took the younger man in his arms, and smiled at him. “Hey, you did it!”

Ville smiled lazily at Lauri. He felt sated and it was like he could still feel Lauri inside him. It was the most amazing feeling ever and he knew he would want to experience it again – soon, and as many times as possible. “You made it possible. You’re so gentle…” Thanks to Lauri, *this* first time had been wonderful too. He was grateful that he had waited for the right person to come along. “I love you,” he whispered.

Lauri nodded and brushed the blond hair away from Ville’s face, which seemed to glow. “You’re amazing, Ville… I love you too…” Brushing Ville’s lips, he smiled tiredly, yet contentedly at his boyfriend. Yes, apparently the time had been right to take that step!

TBC

Part 5

Rockheart

“Those red pants really show off your ass. Do you do that on purpose?”

Mikko spat out the coffee he had been drinking and turned around to stare at Antti wide-eyed. “What did you say?” His back had been toward the doorway while he had leaned against the kitchen table quickly downing his coffee. Antti wanted to show him Tampere and Mikko hadn’t wanted him to wait.

Antti grinned diabolically. He derived some perverse pleasure from stunning Mikko with such comments. The other redhead’s shy reactions were too cute. “I said that those red pants really show off your ass and I want to know if you do it on purpose!”

Mikko wiped the coffee droplets away from his lips. He hadn’t misheard then. Why did Antti have to say something like that just when he was in the middle of drinking his coffee? “Are you always so direct?”

Antti shrugged. “What’s the use in stalling?” Antti poured coffee into his mug and shoveled in loads of sugar. Sipping the sickly sweet liquid, he grinned at Mikko. He really liked having a roommate. They would doubtlessly have arguments in the future when they started to test the other’s boundaries, but Mikko struck him as fairly easy-going. “So are you ready to venture outside?”

Mikko nodded. “I need to know my way around if I’m to live here and I can also keep an eye out for jobs.”

Antti shrugged again. “I’m not sure you want my advice, but don’t take the first job they offer you. Look about a bit. You’re settled for now. I know that living in the guestroom isn’t perfect, but at least it gives you a fair starting point.”

“You’re right,” Mikko agreed. He placed his mug aside and smiled at Antti. “So show me Tampere!”

Antti shifted on his feet excitedly. “Yes, let’s go! I’ve got so much to show you!”

Mikko suddenly felt an unexpected pull at his right hand and realized that Antti had grabbed it and was now pulling him along. He couldn’t hide his grin. Antti’s enthusiasm was rubbing off and his feelings of depression were fading.

~~~

When the doorbell rang, there was no Tommi – or Ville for that matter – to open the door. Jonne had to climb out of bed himself and cursed all the way to the front door, wondering who was ringing his doorbell so early. It was only ten in the morning for heaven’s sake! And that morning Japa wasn’t at home because he had left for Helsinki first thing, deserting him.

Jonne’s mood was definitely foul when he reached for the doorknob. “I’m so going to kill you,” he whispered to the person who had dared to wake him. The door opened and Jonne looked disdainfully at his victim. He had expected it to be the mailman, the landlord, or maybe even his neighbor, but *not* Christus. “What the hell are you doing up so early?” Christus looked awfully awake and was already on his way into the kitchen, leaving Jonne no other choice but to close the door and follow the other man. “Chris, it’s only ten!”

“Blame Juha! He’s the one who woke me at eight! Damn him for being a morning person!” Christus took one good look at Jonne and then decided the blond needed coffee or else Jonne wouldn’t be of any use to him. He needed his friend alert!

Jonne sat down on a kitchen chair and yawned. “You’re so dead.”

Christus shook his head. “Jonne, I’ve never felt more alive before! I need to talk to you about that!” He turned a chair around and straddled it. The coffee maker bubbled away and Christus hoped Jonne wouldn’t fight him over his choice of morning drink. He simply had the feeling that tea wouldn’t do the trick for Jonne.

“You need to talk to me?” Jonne’s eyes were closing again and a big yawn escaped him. “Chris, it’s early!”

“But it’s also important! Very important!” The coffee was ready and Christus poured it into a mug which he handed Jonne. “Drink that.”

“Bah, that’s coffee!” Jonne’s features contorted.

“Drink it! I need you awake!” Christus sat down again and started a very old habit: nail biting. He hadn’t done it in years, but now it offered his nervousness a way out.

“What’s gotten into you?” Jonne reluctantly sipped the coffee and gasped. It was way too strong for his taste! Just how awake did Christus want him?

“I need to talk to you. I need your advice!” Christus realized he was biting his nails, glared at his fingernails in disgust, and quickly put his arm down.

“Advice? From me?” Jonne frowned. “Why don’t you start making sense, Chris?”

Christus lowered his gaze, feeling nervous since he was about to confide in Jonne. But he needed to talk to someone and, except for Juha who he couldn’t turn to for obvious reasons, Jonne was the only other person who knew about his problems. “I don’t want to limit Juha to being on the receiving end all the time. I want him to take me, but…” He stopped, overwhelmed that he had really said it. Thinking it had been one thing, but actually admitting it aloud had been something different altogether.

“Hey, that’s a big step. A very big step, especially for you!” Jonne placed a hand on Christus’ wrist and squeezed before stroking the skin. “Just the mere thought that you want to do that for Juha must have been huge for you!” Jonne was impressed that Christus wanted to take this step. It showed just how much he loved Juha.

“I’m scared though and I need to talk!” Christus nodded. “You know why this is so difficult for me!”

Jonne inclined his head. “Yes, I do and I’m glad you want to talk about it, but shouldn’t you be talking to Juha instead?”

“I did.” Christus managed a shy smile. “It’s surprisingly easy to talk to him about this stuff.”

“And what did he say?” With a look of utter loathing on his face, Jonne forced himself to drink again.

“That I shouldn’t rush things and that he’ll wait. But Jonne, I want to do this.” Christus tried to find the right words. “I feel safe with Juha. If I don’t face my fears now, I never will. I’ll never again find someone whom I would entrust myself to that way.”

Jonne smiled. “Sounds to me like you already made up your mind.”

Christus considered that for a moment and then nodded. “Sounds like that, doesn’t it? I’m just scared, you know… It hurt so bad that one time.”

Jonne curled his fingers around Christus’ and rubbed them gently. “It doesn’t have to hurt. Juha isn’t in any pain when the two of you…?” To his amusement, Christus blushed. “When the two of you make love?”

Christus quickly shook his head. “Of course not! I’d never hurt him!”

“And it’ll be the same way when Juha makes love to you. He won’t hurt you either, but that won’t be the problem.” He fixed Christus with a knowing gaze. “It’s in your head. You’re afraid, but Chris, it won’t be like back then. The real challenge for you will be to let go of your fears.”

Christus nodded and sighed. “You’re right. I just have to do it and trust Juha.”

“You love him and trust him. Things will be all right,” Jonne replied. “Just don’t rush things. Juha’s right about that. Take your time and only do this when you feel comfortable taking that step.”

Christus and Jonne’s gazes met and they smiled at each other. Jonne was amazed at the changes within his friend. If anyone had told him six months ago that he would be having this conversation with Christus, he would have called that person mad.

~~~

“Hei.” Mikko had lost count of the times he had greeted one of Antti’s friends. They had been roaming through Tampere for two hours and had encountered a countless number of Antti’s friends. Mikko hadn’t known *anyone* could be that popular! And the amazing thing was that Antti knew all these people by name. Antti had introduced him to all of them and Mikko even had a fair number of job offers, but Antti had stopped him from accepting one yet, telling him to wait and then pick the best offer. Mikko had decided to listen to Antti’s advice. The other redhead had made a point when he had reminded him that he had a roof over his head and wasn’t desperately in need of a job. It wouldn’t do any harm to take a few days off to recover from everything that had happened lately and he was comfortable with letting Antti take charge.

“Coffee!” Antti pulled Mikko out of his thoughts by ordering the black gold. “Penny for your thoughts,” he said and elbowed Mikko in the side, not too hard though, but just enough to be noticed.

“I was just surprised that you know so many people and by name at that!” Mikko ordered a cappuccino and looked at Antti again. “Thank you for everything you’re doing for me.”

“Don’t mention it. I enjoy spending time with you!” Antti sipped his coffee. “I’m glad I can do something to help you sort everything out.” He gazed thoughtfully at Mikko. “So how are you doing? For real? You seem in better spirits, but I might be wrong.” Antti just didn’t want to draw conclusions. He wanted to hear it from Mikko himself.

Mikko nodded slowly. “You’re right, I guess. I do feel less depressed. You keeping me busy keeps me from thinking about Leena too much. I owe you thanks for that.” Mikko smiled at Antti. “I’m glad I’m getting to know you better. I like spending time with you too. You’re funny.” Oh, was he really blushing? No, this wasn’t happening!

“Hey, you’re cute when you blush!”

That remark only made Mikko feel even more embarrassed and his blush deepened. It wasn’t like him to react like that though. It must be because his ego had been weakened since Leena had dumped and replaced him so easily. Antti’s compliments were very welcome in a way because they smoothed the blow. Mikko remained realistic though, knowing not to take Antti’s remarks too seriously. “I like Tampere...what I’ve seen so far,” he said, deciding to steer away from their former topic. “And I’ll have few problems finding a job here.”

“Don’t rush into a job…” Antti sipped again and looked at Mikko from over the rim of his mug. “I like having someone around. Living alone isn’t something for me.”

“I know what you mean. I always like having some company too.”

“And Vihtori doesn’t say much.” Antti didn’t notice that he was sliding toward Mikko on the couch they sat on. “What are your feelings for Leena now? If you don’t mind me prying that is. You don’t have to tell me of course.”

Mikko didn’t mind however. The things Antti had done for him meant a great deal to him. “We’d been together for years. It’s hard to understand that everything has come to an end. I never saw it coming. I didn’t know she was unhappy.” Mikko moved his mug around on the table nervously. “I’ll have to accept that everything is over now and deal with these feelings inside me.”

“What kind of feelings?” Antti really hoped Mikko didn’t find him overly curious or forward. He just wanted to know and hoped that talking about his feelings would help Mikko deal with them. “If you want to talk about them…”

Mikko nodded. Talking about them would be good, although he had never thought he would confide so easily in a stranger. He really didn’t know Antti that well – or, at least, he thought so. “I loved her. I really did, but now… I don’t hate her. Maybe I should, but I find it hard to hate in general.” He felt sorry for himself. “Maybe it was my mistake that I didn’t notice that she felt neglected.”

Antti frowned. “Hey, don’t think that.” He cuffed Mikko on the head. “That’s not true and you know it! Reiska also said so! She used you!”

Mikko’s features contorted. “But what if it’s my fault she did that?”

Antti’s eyes widened. “What? Mikko, she used you! You didn’t give her a reason for that! She just did! Mikko, nobody has the right to use you like that! And you don’t deserve that! No one does!” He felt like shaking the other redhead. “Got that?”

Mikko smiled warmly. “Got it, yes.” It meant a lot to him that Antti had reminded him of that. “Kiitos,” he added, feeling a little shy. Antti merely nodded and took another drink.

~~~

Ville couldn’t stop grinning. The smile was plastered to his face and had been there since he had woken that morning with Lauri’s arms wrapped around him. Lauri had made his first time very special and Ville would never forget how wonderful being made love to had felt. He hoped he would feel it many times more. “I love you,” he whispered into Lauri’s curls and then nuzzled the other man’s throat. “You smell so damn good.”

Lauri grinned cockily and opened his eyes to gaze into Ville’s blue ones. “Morning to you too, sweetheart.” Right then though, Musta jumped onto the bed and started meowing loudly, demanding food. “Hey, you’re getting an attitude!” Lauri resolutely put the kitten down on the floor. Seeing Ville’s amusement, he explained, “You need to be firm with them when they’re still little. Once they’re adults, you can forget about teaching them anything!”

Ville continued to grin and snuggled up to Lauri. “So what are we going to do today?”

Lauri considered the question. “How about we drive to the university and see if we can get some information there?”

“And maybe afterwards we can go for coffee and do a little shopping?” Not that Ville had any money to spend, but he liked browsing the shops.

Lauri nodded. “We can’t stay away too long though. The kittens might wreck the place if we do.”

Ville nodded in understanding and nuzzled Lauri’s throat. Life couldn’t get any better as far as he was concerned!

~~~

Christus searched their home for Juha and eventually found him in the guestroom, where the redhead was painting. They had selected pastel colors for the room and Juha was currently painting one wall pale yellow. “Hey, why don’t you take a break?” Juha had done most of the work the last month.

Juha shook his head. “I want the room ready for Mikko just in case…” Feeling tired, he sighed and bowed his head. “I let him down…”

Christus took the paint brush from Juha’s hand and put it down. He then wrapped his arms around the redhead. “You didn’t do it on purpose. It was bad timing. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Juha leaned against Christus. “You don’t understand. How would you feel if you failed Jonne like that? Mikko’s my best friend and I lost touch with him and that’s my fault, no one else’s!”

Christus shook his head. “You don’t need to feel guilty over that. Antti’s taking care of him.”

“Yes, but only because I ignored his calls!” Growing angry with himself, Juha moved away from the embrace and turned away. “This is my fault.”

It was strange for Christus to find himself in the position he was in. Normally, things were the other way around and Juha would be helping him sort things out. It showed that their relationship had shifted again and that they had found a new balance. Refusing to let Juha shut him out like that, he wrapped his arms around the redhead from behind. “Don’t twist the facts. You didn’t ignore his calls. You just happened to not check your calls that week.” Juha was tense in his arms and Christus wondered what to do. “Mikko knows that you’d never ignore him on purpose.” He looked at the clock. “Hey, it’s five o’clock. We should get ready. Antti’s expecting us at six, remember?” Christus managed a smile, although he felt worried. “And you got paint all over yourself.”

Juha sighed. “I’ll take a quick shower.” He was about to turn toward the doorway when Christus pulled him in for a kiss. As their lips met, his tension started to fade, but Juha still felt uncomfortable and guilty for not having been there for Mikko.

“It’s not your fault,” Christus repeated. “Please don’t give into that feeling.”

Juha nodded and drew in a deep breath. “I’ll try.” Maybe things would look better after they had visited with Antti and Mikko.

~~~

Mikko leaned against the doorway. He had offered Antti his help, but the other man had quickly shooed him out of the kitchen. He wasn’t allowed to come near the stove since Antti was making steak and needed to ‘focus’ as the other redhead had said.

“Did you set the table?” Antti asked as he eyed the steaks closely. He hoped Juha and Christus would get there on time for he had no idea if they wanted their steaks well done or medium.

“I did.” Mikko had even put on some music. He was looking forward to spending the evening with Juha and his new friends. Ever since their festival gig, Christus had also warmed up to him. The doorbell rang and Mikko, yearning to make himself useful, called out, “I’ll get it!”

Antti grinned. “You’d better because I’m not leaving these babies!” He checked the steaks and, while keeping an eye on them he tossed the salad which would accompany the meat. Yes, it was nice to have guests for a change!

Mikko let Juha and Christus in and then embraced his best friend. “I’m glad you’re here.” He pressed himself closely to Juha and savored his friend’s closeness. “I missed you.”

Juha embraced Mikko tightly and even rocked him slightly as tears rolled down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know for not checking my calls. I’m sorry you couldn’t get a hold of me! I’m a sorry excuse for a friend!”

Alarmed, Mikko took a step away from Juha and raised his friend’s face. “What the hell?” What had Juha just said? “You were busy getting your new home ready! I understand that! Juha, I’d never think you’d ignore my calls! Damn it!” Juha had done this before, putting all the so called blame on him when there was no reason for it. “Stop thinking like that!”

Juha managed a weak smile. “I’m still sorry.”

Mikko hugged him again. “Okay, let’s forget about that. Let’s focus on the future instead?”

Juha nodded and Christus gazed at Mikko gratefully. He had hated seeing Juha so depressed. “So you moved in with Antti? Where is the guy?” He frowned and looked about.

“In the kitchen making steaks. He banished me to the living room.” Mikko led them to the couches and sat down. “I’d offer you something to drink, but…”

Christus finished for him. “The drinks are in the kitchen.”

“Exactly and he’ll kick me out again.” Mikko smiled at Juha, seeking to reassure his friend. “I’m fine,” he added and took Juha’s hand in his. “And trust me, after the hangover I’ve had, I won’t get drunk again so quickly!”

Seeing Mikko so relaxed reassured Juha, but he still felt guilty for not having been there for his friend. “So you decided to stay here?”

Mikko nodded. “Last night, I moved my stuff in. Some clothes, books, CDs, and my bass, but I’m not sure it survived the streets.”

Antti peeked out from the kitchen and said, “Hey, there you are! How do you want your steaks?”

Juha smiled at the other redhead. “Well done please. No raw meat for me.”

“Same goes for me!” Christus didn’t want any blood coming from his steak when cutting a piece off.

Mikko said, “Medium please. It can be a little bloody!”

Antti grinned. “That’s the way I like my steak too! Chris, can you give me a hand?”

Christus’ eyes widened and he looked questioningly at Mikko. “Does that mean he wants me in the kitchen?”

Mikko blinked as well. “That’s a surprise!”

Christus had a good idea why Antti wanted him to join him though. Juha and Mikko could get some time alone. “If I don’t survive… I want to be cremated, okay?” Juha swatted him playfully on the head and he quickly went into the kitchen. “Need help?” Antti shook his head, just like Christus had expected.

“I want to give them a moment in private… but you can toss the salad if you think you can manage!” Antti checked the steaks. His and Mikko’s were ready, so he removed them. The others got a few more minutes in the pan. “Mikko’s really doing better. He was a mess when I found him. Drunk and… drunk!”

Christus nodded. “I would be a mess too if Juha kicked me out.” Damn, he probably wouldn’t survive that. Life would become meaningless without Juha, he was convinced of that. “Juha feels guilty for not having seen Mikko’s calls, but we were so busy. We hardly got any sleep that week!”

“I know that.” Antti transferred the steaks onto the plates. “And Mikko knows it too.” He smiled. “We’re ready to eat!

~~~

Juha glanced helplessly at Mikko. “I’m relieved Antti took you in and… looked after you… I’m sorry that I…” His voice failed him.

Mikko sighed and pulled him into a hug. “Forgive yourself, Juha. We’ve been through this before. You didn’t do anything wrong!” He lifted his friend’s face and smiled at Juha. “We’re fine.” He wiped away Juha’s tears and hugged him again. “You’re my best friend. Nothing can change that, okay?”

Juha smiled and nodded. “Okay.”

“Anyone hungry?” Antti placed the plates onto the table and gestured for Christus to put the giant salad bowl there as well.

Juha nodded again. “A little bit.” Mikko got to his feet and pulled him along. Juha walked over to the dining table holding Mikko’s hand and then released it as he sat down next to Christus.

“You should be hungry! You haven’t eaten all day!” Christus gazed at Juha worriedly and then his gaze shifted to Mikko. “Ever since he found out about you having been kicked out, he lost his appetite.”

Mikko cringed and placed his hand on top of Juha’s. “But we settled that, didn’t we?” Juha nodded and Mikko smiled. “Then dig in!”

~~~

“Hum, whose idea was it to check out the university on Saturday when it’s closed?” Ville smiled sweetly at Lauri, who blushed. “I know it wasn’t mine.”

“I forgot that it’s Saturday,” Lauri admitted. They stood in front of the closed building and he looked rather sheepish. They decided to go into town, have a coffee, and re-discuss their plans. As they sipped their coffee, they gazed at each other meaningfully. Something had changed when Lauri had made love to Ville. “So what are we going to do now?”

“I’d like to visit a book store,” Ville admitted, wondering if Lauri was surprised at the request. Normally he would browse clothing stores, but for some reason he wanted to have a look at some newly published books.

“Sure, we can do that.” Lauri finished his coffee. “And we should find a pet store, stock up on food, and buy some toys or else they will rip the couch apart.”

Ville smiled. He liked the sound of that!

~~~

“Feeling better?” Christus was already in bed when Juha exited the bathroom. The redhead had been quiet during the drive back and Christus was determined to make his lover open up to him. He raised the comforter and Juha slipped into place beside him. Christus wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.

“Talking to Mikko helped, but I still feel bad for not checking my phone for a whole week.”

Christus brushed some red strands away from Juha’s face. The sadness there was getting to him. Never before had a person affected him like this and all he could think about was finding a way to make Juha smile again. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed the redhead.

Juha smiled lazily at him as his fingertips brushed against Christus’ brow. “I love you too…” He was a bit surprised when Christus suddenly rolled them so Juha was under Christus before straddling his hips. Inclining his head, he smiled inquiringly. Christus nodded for whatever reason and Juha pulled the other man closer for a kiss. Closing his eyes, he lost himself in the kiss and moaned as Christus’ fingers brushed against his hardening nipples. He hadn’t thought he would be in the mood to make love, but now he wanted nothing more than to feel Christus inside him...to feel their connection. “Please make love to me,” he whispered into Christus’ mouth as their kiss continued.

Christus wavered for a moment. That had not been his plan. He had wanted Juha to make love to him finally! But as he looked into those green eyes, he saw a deep need in them and he couldn’t deny Juha. “I will…” Running his fingers down Juha’s chest, his fingers traveled towards his lover’s groin, but then Juha’s fingers curled around his wrist and Christus looked at him in surprise. “What’s wrong?”

“Chris, I want… I need…” Juha swallowed hard. Until that moment, they had discussed everything openly and honestly with each other.

“What do you need?” Christus bent down and searched Juha’s eyes. “You can tell me.” It was unusual to see Juha so vulnerable and insecure. “Just tell me...what do you need from me? I’d do anything for you.” To his surprise, Juha didn’t answer him at first, at least not in words. Instead, the redhead turned onto his stomach.

“I want to feel you inside me. Cut the foreplay, Chris, I need this,” he looked at his lover from over his shoulder.

Christus’ breath hitched. He had expected Juha to ask him to make slow and sweet love to him, but not this. “Are you sure?” Juha nodded. Okay, that meant… But no matter what, he wouldn’t hurt his lover by entering him unprepared, even if Juha desired so. He reached for a condom and the tube of lube on the nightstand and placed the two items on the bed. For a long moment, he rested his upper body onto Juha’s back. “I’ll do this for you…”

Juha gulped. He really needed this...wanted it. “Please, Chris...now.”

Christus wouldn’t rush though. “On my terms, okay?” Juha nodded and then rested his head on the pillow. The situation vexed Christus for he sensed something was wrong, but didn’t know what it was. Nuzzling Juha’s back, he stroked his lover’s back, flanks, and then rubbed the firm cheeks. He wanted to please his lover, but in the back of his mind, there was a little voice telling him to stop and talk instead. “What’s this really about?” he asked eventually, surprised that he would rather talk than make love to Juha. Then it hit him: this wouldn’t be making love. Juha wanted him to fuck him and somehow that alarmed him. “Juha, I want to know… I need to know!”

Juha closed his eyes. He hadn’t expected Christus to call him on his behavior. It shocked him that his lover was questioning his motives. “I…failed Mikko… I…” Tears welled up in his eyes.

Christus quickly rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms and legs around Juha while pulling him close. “You didn’t, but… why is this having such an impact on you? I don’t understand.”

Juha moistened his lips and looked tentatively at Christus before whispering, “I was fifteen when my mother died. My father and brother, they… didn’t know how to handle the grief. They pushed it away. I’m not like that though. I had to let it out, but they couldn’t comfort me. They had never learned to open up to anyone.”

Christus held Juha tight. This wasn’t what he had expected to hear. “Go on.” During all these months, Juha had been there for him, offering him a shoulder to cry on. Juha had been the strong one, always cheerful, always energetic, and this was a side Christus had never seen before. How stupid had he been? Had he really thought Juha hadn’t known pain in his life? He felt grateful that Juha had decided to confide in him and he wouldn’t let his lover down.

“Mikko was there for me. I was a mess. I loved my mother and… The last few months were really hard on her… and on me. I always went with her to the hospital when she had chemo and… I stayed at home a lot to take care of her instead of going to school. When she died, I…” Tears streamed down his face and he clawed at Christus. “Mikko was the only one I could talk to. My father and brother they… they told me to be a man about it and to continue with my life like nothing had happened. I couldn’t do that.”

“That’s only normal,” Christus assured him. “I lost my father and I know what a huge impact such a loss has.” He continued to stroke Juha’s back. He didn’t want to impose with his story. He wanted Juha to tell his. “So Mikko helped?”

Juha nodded against Christus’ shoulder. “I ran away from home. I couldn’t stay there. Things were… weird.” He paused and nibbled on his bottom lip. “I stayed with Mikko for several weeks. If I hadn’t been able to stay with him – talk to him -- then, I… I don’t know what would have happened! And now, *he* needed a place to stay and I…”

Juha’s guilt for not having checked his calls made more sense now to Christus. “Juha, it wasn’t your fault that you didn’t see those calls. If you had, you would have taken Mikko in. I know that. Mikko knows that. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“That’s what Mikko said.” Juha wiped away his tears. “I’m sorry that I-” But Christus silenced him with a kiss. Once his lover let go, Juha tried again. “I didn’t want to burden you with that. It happened years ago and I-”

“Juha, you’re not burdening me when you tell me something that personal. I’m touched you trust me like that.” Christus caressed Juha’s face. “I’ve been stupid, making you into the strong one all the time. Every person has moments in which they need support and all this time, you supported me. You looked after me, but never once, until now, could I do the same thing for you.” Christus cocked his head. “I love you even more for telling me that. It shows how much you trust me and that you think I can be your support too.” Christus kissed Juha slowly as their tongues twined and Christus saw the expression in those green eyes change. The storm had come to a rest. Juha was calm again – in control. That he had helped Juha calm down pleased Christus and filled him with pride.

Juha snuggled up to him and closed his eyes. Christus tucked the red head beneath his chin and continued to stroke Juha’s back. He was grateful that he had listened to that little voice in the back of his head.

TBC

Part 6

Somebody to love

Once they were alone again, Antti installed himself on the couch to drink some white wine. Mikko had insisted that he clean up after them and had taken the dirty dishes into the kitchen where Antti had surprised him with his dishwasher. After placing everything inside, Antti had switched the machine on and had dragged Mikko back into the living room.

Mikko stood in front of the CD player and checked Antti’s collection. “How about some Iron Maiden?”

Antti shrugged his shoulders. That wouldn’t have been his choice, but if Mikko liked the music, why not?

“You don’t like it,” Mikko realized. “What would you like to hear?”

“Something slow… something relaxing and it doesn’t have to be metal.”

Mikko discovered a CD which Antti seemed to have compiled himself. It said ‘Love Songs and Ballads’. “How about this one?”

Antti nodded since it was one of his favorites for slow lazy evenings. Mikko inserted the CD and then sat down on the other end of the couch. Antti offered him a glass of wine too.

Amused, Mikko arched an eyebrow. “Wine? I would have expected vodka at the very least!”

“I have no intention of getting you drunk. A bit relaxed perhaps, but I want you in charge of your senses.” Antti sipped his wine and smiled lazily at Mikko. “It’s nice hanging out like this.” It had started to rain and the droplets hit the windows to slide down the glass. “At times like this I like being cocooned at home.”

Mikko’s expression darkened. “At least you got a place to call home!”

“You too! It just takes time to think of this as home!” Antti sipped again. “Can I ask you something personal?” Mikko seemed relaxed, so maybe this was a good time to satisfy his curiosity.

Mikko *was* relaxed and had to admit that Antti had excellent taste in wine. Normally he didn’t like white wine at all, but this one was all right. “What do you want to know?” He made himself comfortable on the couch and shared the throw which Antti had pulled from the back of the sofa. The whole atmosphere helped him relax. The soft, romantic music, the dimmed lighting, and the sound of the rain had him comfortable inside.

“I know that you had sex with Juha. Damn, he’s hot!”

Mikko laughed. “Yes, he’s charming!”

“I was wondering… Was that your only time with a man?” Antti *was* curious. He liked Mikko that way, but he would never make a move while the other man was still recovering from his former relationship. It couldn’t hurt to gather information though!

“Juha and I…” Mikko paused, swirled the wine around in the glass, and then sighed. “We had sex because we needed it. He needed to feel connected to someone. His mother had died of cancer and he had been staying with me for some time. And I needed to know if I liked girls or boys better. We helped each other out. It wasn’t *that* romantic.”

Mikko arched an eyebrow. He hadn’t expected to hear something like that. “So that was your only time with another guy?”

Mikko nodded. “And eventually I met Leena.” He flinched and then shook with anger. “I wish I had never met her!” He downed his glass and then turned to Antti for a refill. “And what about you?”

“The last relationship I was in was with a lovely lady. It was too bad that we grew apart.”

“I know that! But what about you and men?” The wine was loosening Mikko’s tongue.

“I’ve had both girlfriends and boyfriends.”

“And what do you like best?” Mikko was equally curious.

Antti considered the question. “I prefer boyfriends, I think.”

“Why?” Mikko quickly emptied his second glass and got another refill. It was *only* wine. It wasn’t like he would end up drunk because of it.

“Girls lack certain equipment,” Antti replied and grinned.

“You like being on the bottom?” That surprised Mikko.

“Sometimes… I like to alternate roles.” Antti wondered where the conversation would take them. “And what about you? I guess with Juha you were on the bottom?”

Mikko nodded. “Although he gave me a choice. But I wanted to know what it was like being on the bottom. I knew what it was like with a girl, but I had never been with another man.”

“Did you like it?” Antti refilled his and Mikko’s glass, surprised at the speed with which the other redhead was consuming the wine, which was rather potent.

Mikko nodded. “Juha went slow and it was good… but not *that* good that I’d rather be with a man than a woman.”

Antti had a good idea what the problem might have been. “Were you in love with Juha?”

Mikko quickly shook his head. “Of course not! We were friends, best friends! But I never had a crush on him! I know that might be hard to believe but it’s true!” Mikko realized that he was starting to feel light-headed, but that couldn’t be because of the wine! It was *only* wine!

“Maybe that’s why it wasn’t so good. You weren’t in love with the guy.”

Mikko considered this. “I doubt I’ll fall in love ever again. Not after what Leena did to me! Feelings aren’t any good! It’s best not to have them!” He emptied another glass. “It’s not like people are honest! She fucked with me! She cheated on me! She…” He couldn’t stop the tears. He was too emotional...damn the wine.

“She’s not worth it, remember?” Antti placed his wine glass on the coffee table and pulled Mikko into a hug. Mikko’s gaze met his and it would have been so easy to take it further to the bed. Antti doubted Mikko would protest such a move. But he instantly dismissed the idea. He wasn’t Leena. He didn’t want to fuck with Mikko’s mind. He cared…and that was why he hugged Mikko instead of fucking him.

~~~

“Hey there,” Christus said when Juha woke in the morning. He hadn’t slept much since he had guarded his lover’s dreams, which had been restless. More than once he had soothed the redhead’s sleep. Looking into the green eyes now, Christus was relieved to find them clear and coherent. The sorrow that had claimed Juha the other night had gone, for which he was grateful. “It’s still early.”

“What day is it?” Juha felt silly asking that, but somehow he had lost count of the days. Was it already Monday and time for him to go back to work?

“Sunday. You can stay in bed and sleep late.” Christus stroked the red hair.

“I have to go back to work again tomorrow. Then we won’t wake up together like this. I’ll be long gone when you open your eyes.” He caressed Christus’ face lovingly. “Thank you for last night,” he whispered, growing flustered. “I overreacted.”

Christus nodded. “I understand why, after the things you told me. I didn’t realize it at first, but Mikko and you *are* close.”

Juha nodded. “I have an older brother. His name’s Jarmo, but we don’t talk that often. We’re very different characters. In a way, Mikko and I got a lot more in common.”

Christus nodded in understanding. “Your relationship with Mikko resembles the one I have with Jonne.”

Juha nodded. His fingers glided through Christus’ black hair before he moved on top of his lover. “I’m relieved you’d understand.”

“I’m not jealous anymore,” Christus admitted, knowing what was on Juha’s mind. He rested his hands on Juha’s thighs and drew in a deep breath. “I want something from you.” Since they had been discussing private things, he figured he should plunge ahead.

Juha’s fingertips caressed Christus’ face. “And what’s that?”

“I want you to take me.” Christus sounded firm, but in the back of his mind he wasn’t sure yet that he was ready to take this step. He wanted to do this though. “I want to do away with this fear.”

Juha’s eyes widened. “Just like that?”

“I told Jonne and...it’s in my head. You know...this fear. I know that you’re not in pain when we make love. I know that things went wrong back then and I want to know what it’s like being made love to.” He looked deeply into Juha’s eyes. “I want to know what it’s really like. Will you take me?” To his shock, Juha shook his head. “Why not?”

“Because I think we need to take small steps.” Juha ran his fingers through Christus’ hair. “I understand what you mean though…” He inclined his head and eyed Christus closely. “You trust me, don’t you?” Christus nodded. “Then let’s do this in steps.” He was afraid Christus might end up traumatized again if they just went ahead and had sex like that. “Do we have lube?”

“It’s still on the bed.” He handed Juha the tube. “Now what?” He eyed Juha curiously.

Juha merely smiled and rolled Christus onto his back. He didn’t straddle his lover though as he turned onto his side so he was still facing Christus.

Christus asked, “And now what?”

“Now you trust me.” Juha leaned in closer and kissed Christus on the lips. Once his lover was panting softly, he let his lips move lower until they encountered a nipple. He lavished it with saliva, sucked, and nibbled on it before moving on to the other while his fingers curled around Christus’ length and stroked it.

Throwing back his head, Christus’ fingernails clawed at the sheet. “Juha!”

Juha grinned. “Remember,” he whispered. “You can trust me.”

Christus bit hard on his bottom lip as Juha’s lips closed over the head of his erection and he thrust into that warm mouth. Juha was driving him insane as the redhead continued to suck him. But then he felt something alarming: a fingertip pushed against the entrance to his body and he tensed completely.

Juha noticed it of course. “It’s me. You trust me, remember?” He crawled closer to Christus and kissed him, then, once his lover had started to relax, he kissed his way down to Christus’ groin again. He licked along the head before descending lower to lick the entrance to Christus’ body. He playfully flipped his tongue against the outer ring and waited for his lover to relax further.

Feeling something hot and wet touch his entrance piqued Christus’ curiosity. “What are you doing?” Looking down his body, he found Juha pushing his tongue against his entrance. “Oh...” It felt amazing! And even when Juha’s tongue dipped inside, he didn’t tense. He arched his back and moaned loudly.

Juha monitored Christus closely. He knew how much trust was involved for Christus to allow this and he wasn’t going to abuse that trust. He wet one of his fingers with saliva and then slowly pushed it in.

Christus realized something had changed, but Juha had resumed sucking his length at that moment and he was too far gone to care about what was happening. Arching his back again, he thrust and Juha’s finger slid deeper inside and massaged his prostate. His eyes widened when he experienced the new sensation. He felt on fire and was unable to stall his climax. When Juha rubbed his prostate again, he reached his peak and climaxed. It took Christus several minutes to calm down again. “What did you do?” He knew Juha’s finger had entered and stroked him on the inside, but…

“Did you like that?” Juha purred. “Was it any good?”

Christus nodded. “I didn’t know it would feel that good.” His gaze traveled toward Juha’s groin and he was surprised to see that his lover had climaxed as well. “But I didn’t…”

“But I did,” Juha purred. When he had sensed that Christus was about to climax, he had brought himself to orgasm as well. Purring, he rubbed his cheek against Christus’. “Did you like it?”

Nodding again, Christus felt bewildered. “It felt like… I don’t think I ever felt like that before!”

Juha snuggled up to Christus and rested his head against his lover’s shoulder. “I want all Sunday mornings to start like this.” He placed his chin on Christus’ shoulder and looked at the black-haired man. He stroked the dark hair.

Licking his lips, Christus tried to speak, which was hard since he needed another moment to sort himself out. “You were right...about taking small steps I mean. I don’t think I’m ready for you to take me, but what you did just now...that was…I mean, it almost blew my head off! That was amazing!”

Juha grinned at the surprise on Christus’ face. “I thought so. I don’t want to go from one extreme to the other when we can take steps to get there. So, you liked that?”

Christus nodded and actually blushed. “It was intense. That first time, you know…” He paused and searched his memories. “It wasn’t anything like this. He just took me and…” He shrugged helplessly, lacking the words to describe the pain and the humiliation he had felt back then. Juha caressed his face and kissed him, soothing him. Christus calmed again and then added, “I am… was afraid things would repeat themselves, though I don’t think you’d ever be that… cruel to me, it’s just…” Oh, he was only making things worse! What if Juha got his incoherent babbling wrong?

But Juha continued to caress Christus’ face. “I understand what you’re trying to say. It won’t be like that first time, Chris. I promise you that. When we decide to make love that way I’ll be careful and go slow. I’ll make sure that you’ll enjoy making love. I promise you…” Juha brushed Christus’ lips. “Now enough talk. This is my last day of freedom for some time. What do you want to do?” He didn’t want to go back to work the following day and leave his lover alone, but he needed the money. Certainly now that they had taken on a mortgage!

“I want to stay in bed with you all day!” Christus pulled Juha on top and wrapped arms and legs around him.

“And what about food?” Juha licked at Christus’ bottom lip. “I’m hungry.”

Christus sighed. He was hungry too, there was no denying that. “To the kitchen it is, but after we have breakfast, we’re going straight back to bed!”

~~~

“How did this happen?” Christus asked two hours later as they sat on a bench looking out over a pond while drinking hot chocolate. “Weren’t we supposed to be in bed?” It had been Juha’s fault of course that they hadn’t gone back to bed. After breakfast, Juha had become rather energetic and had dragged him along...out of their home. They had gone for a walk and had ended up in a nearby park. Since it was only April and still on the cold side, Juha had talked him into buying hot chocolate. So they had ended up on their bench watching the ducks and swans glide across the water.

“It’s my fault,” Juha replied and took another sip. “I needed to get out.”

“You’re forgiven.” Even Christus had to admit that this was nice. It was also a good thing that they were getting to know their new surroundings. The area they had moved to was fairly unknown to them. “It feels like we’re some married couple…” He peeked at Juha to see his reaction. “We bought a house, are sitting in the park on a Sunday morning, and…”

“We just had wild sex in the bedroom.” Juha grinned. “I can’t wait to get my hands on you again!”

That remark actually made Christus blush and he took a quick drink to cover up his nervousness. It was true though. Having Juha do that to him had felt good. He hadn’t expected it be so good and he wondered how it would feel to have Juha inside. Maybe that would feel even better?

Juha grinned as he saw the thoughtful look in Christus’ eyes and blew onto the hot surface of his drink. He was confident that things would work out eventually.

~~~

Mikko blinked. His back ached and his whole body felt cramped. What the hell had happened the other night? Looking about, he quickly found the reason why he felt so miserable: he had fallen asleep on the couch in Antti’s arms in an uncomfortable position all night. Argh, it hurt!

Antti woke from Mikko’s moving about. He opened his eyes and smiled as he found his arms still occupied by Mikko. “Did we really fall asleep on the couch?”

Raising his head, Mikko nodded. “I’m afraid we did.” He managed to free himself of Antti’s embrace and got to his feet. Stretching his body, he tried to rid himself of his aches. “I’m not having that wine again! It’s worse than vodka!”

Antti had to agree. He got up from the couch as well, stretched, and then yawned. “Hungry? I can make breakfast.”

Mikko’s stomach didn’t agree however. “Can I shower first? I don’t think food would go over well at the moment.”

“Sure, you know where the bathroom is! I’ll make coffee in the meantime!” Antti headed for the kitchen while Mikko went into the bathroom.

~~~

Mikko joined Antti in the kitchen after he had showered. His stomach was behaving again and he felt refreshed. He poured some Cheerios into a bowl with some milk. He was about to move to a chair when he noticed something green across the floor. “Vihtori is running wild again?”

“I’m making him work for his food.” Antti pointed at the handful of leaves that he had placed in a corner of the kitchen.

Mikko stepped around the racing turtle and sat down. “It’s Sunday, isn’t it?”

Antti nodded. “Another boring Sunday!”

Mikko grinned as he caught on. “What do you want to do?”

“Maybe catch a movie, if you’d like? There are some gigs tonight as well.” Antti watched Mikko and sighed. The redhead’s hair was still damp from his shower and Mikko looked good enough to eat. Down, Antti told himself, down! Don’t think about that!

Mikko grew shy. “To be honest… I’ve no idea how much money I’ve got left. Getting drunk for four nights in a row was rather expensive and I need to check my banking account.”

Antti nodded. “You can use my computer if you want to check it online.”

Mikko nodded shyly. “I’d better do that.” He finished his Cheerios and then followed Antti into the living room where Antti helped him log in. Then the other man returned to clean up the kitchen and Mikko accessed his bank account and almost suffered a heart attack. Wow, he hadn’t expected to be that bad! The way things looked now, he wouldn’t be able to get any money out of the ATM and that meant no movies, no gigs. He needed a job as soon as possible!

“That bad?” Antti had heard Mikko sigh and the shock on the other man’s face told him everything he needed to know.

“The next time I get drunk I’ll do it at home! That is, once I get a place to call my own again!” Mikko closed the connection to his bank and sighed. “I’m totally broke. Sorry, but no movies or gigs for me tonight. Starting tomorrow, I’m going job hunting!”

Antti nodded. He understood Mikko’s motives only too well. “We can have a comfortable evening at home too.” He had wanted to offer to pay for that night’s movie and the gig, but realized the offer might embarrass Mikko. “I’ve got an extensive collection of horror movies, so we could have our own ‘fright’ night. I still got some pizzas in the freezer and potato chips in the cupboard.”

“Sounds great.” What? Horror movies? He always got scared so easily! But Antti was being so great about things that Mikko felt bad about mentioning that he actually hated horror movies.

“But I don’t want to be stuck inside the whole day.” Antti looked out the window. Although he reckoned it might be chilly outside, the sun would make up for it. “Want to go for ice cream? I’m buying!”

Mikko accepted the offer. It would be silly to argue about Antti buying him some ice cream. “I’d better dry my hair then. If I go outside like this I’ll catch a cold!” Then he wouldn’t be able to go job hunting.

Antti muttered under his breath, “Oh, I wouldn’t mind having to nurse you back to health.” He hadn’t meant for Mikko to hear it, but the curious look he got showed that he’d been heard. He shrugged, trying to cover up his slip. “I like taking care of people.” Especially someone as cute as Mikko. Closing his eyes, he mentally kicked himself. No, he wasn’t falling in love with him! He wasn’t!

Mikko frowned as he studied Antti, who was lost in thought. He had the feeling that he was missing something, but had no clue what it might be.

~~~

Tommi enjoyed having his brothers and their boyfriends over for dinner even if he was still getting used to seeing Ville and Lauri kiss whenever they thought he was out of sight. He liked Lauri and had realized that the two were good for each other, but still… Ville was his baby brother and he would always feel protective of him! Seeing them together also reminded him that he was the only one without a lover. But that had always been his card in life. He had always been alone and doubted that would ever change. Even at the shelter, Jonne and Ville had had each other. No matter how bad that time had been, they had been able to support each other. He on the other hand had always had to manage on his own.

“Hey, what’s on your mind?” Jonne had been watching Tommi and wrapped his arms around his older brother from behind. “You look unhappy.” It was rare for Tommi to allow such a play of emotions onto his face. “Is it because of Ville and Lauri? I thought you approved?”

Tommi nodded. “I do. I’m happy for Ville.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Jonne went to stand in front of Tommi and searched his brother’s eyes.

“It just reminds me that I have no one… You have Jack and Ville has Lauri.” Tommi bit his bottom lip. He didn’t want so admit it, but Jonne was giving him *that* look which always meant his brother would push the matter if necessary. “It’s nothing for you to worry about. I just feel lonely.”

Jonne sighed. That *was* something to worry about! He pulled Tommi close and hugged him. It was strange, but as far as he could remember, Tommi had never had a steady relationship. His brother had dated a few girls, or at least Jonne had thought so, but Tommi had never introduced any of them to Ville and him. “Aren’t there any ladies around you’d like to date?” He watched Tommi’s reaction as Tommi grew flustered and coughed nervously. Hah, had he said something wrong? “Tommi?”

Tommi grew even more flustered. “We’ll discuss that another time, yes?”

“Ei!” Jonne shook his head. “We’ll discuss this now!”

Ville looked up. Jonne had raised his voice and he wanted to know what was up. Leaving Lauri in Jack’s company, he made his way over to his brothers. Surprised, he found that Tommi was blushing fiercely. “What’s happening here?”

“Nothing,” Tommi answered quickly. “Dinner’s almost ready so get seated.” He vanished into the kitchen before Jonne could stop him.

Ville looked at his other brother. “What was that all about?”

“He feels lonely.” Jonne nibbled at his bottom lip. “Maybe it was a mistake not to let him move in. I don’t know him like this.”

“Hey, but Jack and you are lovers. The two of you need to be together.” Ville however *was* worried too. “I don’t know him like that either.”

Jonne sighed. “No matter how difficult things were for the two of us, we always had each other. Tommi was always alone. Do you get what I mean?”

Ville nodded. “But what can we do about it?” Not much, he surmised.

“We can spend more time with him. We can invite him over more often. But that’s about it.” Jonne felt sad. Tommi needed someone in his life. Someone special, but he couldn’t magic her up!

~~~

“Antti, when you said you would buy ice cream, I thought you meant buying two separate cones, not one we would share!” Mikko laughed and shook his head. Antti had managed to conquer the cone again and had wrapped his tongue around the ice cream. “And you want me to eat that after you did that?”

Antti merely grinned. “Don’t be such a drama queen! I don’t have any contagious diseases!”

Mikko returned the grin and then licked. Unfortunately for him Antti tried to take a chunk out of the ice cream at the exact same moment. The tips of their tongues touched and Mikko stared at Antti questioningly. “Anteeksi,” he whispered and took a step away from the other redhead.

“Why? I don’t mind a little tongue with my ice cream.” Ui, bad, bad Antti, he scolded himself, but he couldn’t help himself. His mouth often ran off with him, making him say things that he wished later he hadn’t.

Feeling insecure, Mikko eyed Antti again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing! Forget I ever said it. Here, you can have the remaining ice cream.” Antti offered Mikko the cone. Maybe sharing it had been a bad idea, but at the time, he had thought it might be funny. He hadn’t wanted to embarrass Mikko in any way though.

Opting for the direct approach, Mikko gathered his courage and asked, “Antti, are you hitting on me?”

Antti’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe Mikko had asked him that! He’d thought Mikko would be way too shy to address the matter! “Mikko, I…” It seldom happened that he was at a loss for words, but this time, Antti didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t admit the truth, that much was clear.

“Be honest with me. Please.” Mikko placed his hands on Antti’s shoulders. “Whatever you do, don’t lie to me.” Leena must have lied to him toward the end because he had never caught on.

Taking a deep breath, Antti considered Mikko’s request. He knew why it was important to the other redhead considering he had been cheated on and manipulated not so long ago. “What do you want me to say?”

Mikko was surprised at how shy Antti had turned all of a sudden and a strange sensation settled in the pit of his stomach. Had he read the signals correctly? But, that couldn’t be! Surely not Antti! “Are you hitting on me?”

Antti averted his gaze and then shrugged. “I’m not sure myself. I didn’t do that on purpose just now.”

“But…” Mikko lifted Antti’s face gently.

“But I like you that way.” Antti exploded with explanations. “But I’d never hit on you! I know you’re still getting over Leena and I’d never be so insensitive as to think…” He lost track of what he was saying and started again. “I like you, yes, but I’d never hit on you...not now! Not that quickly! I…” Antti’s eyes widened at the feel of soft lips pressed against his. What the fuck? Was Mikko kissing him? No, Mikko couldn’t be kissing him! No way… But the lips pressed against his told him that he wasn’t imagining things!

Mikko actually enjoyed surprising Antti for a change and watched his eyes darken and focus on him. The last thing Antti had expected was to be kissed. Smiling, he eyed Antti closely. “And now what?”

~~~

Tommi waved goodbye and felt sad to see Jonne and Jack leave. Ville and Lauri had left an hour ago and he knew why. They had been unable to keep their hands off each other. Tommi stopped himself from thinking further in that direction. He didn’t want to imagine what it would be like when Ville and Lauri had sex. No way! He wasn’t going there!

He closed the door and shivered. It had been cold in the hallway and he quickly moved back into the living room. Sitting cross-legged in front of his fireplace, he extended his hands and warmed them. Having the four of them over for dinner had been nice and the evening had passed by quickly, but he was alone to brood over his mistakes again.

He knew he had made plenty of them where his brothers were concerned. He had fucked up with both of them, in spite of his good intentions. Tommi’s ambition had driven Jonne to do things his brother shouldn’t have done and with Ville he had made the same mistake. Feeling tired and disappointed with himself, he rose from the floor and walked over to the area where he did most of his paperwork and where the computer was situated. He switched it on, went online, and waited for MSN messenger to start up. A quick look at his contacts’ list showed that he was still too early. The person he always chatted with wasn’t there yet.

As he waited for Bad echo to come online, he surfed the web a bit, but quickly grew bored. Damn, he hated being alone every evening!

Jonne’s surprise returned to him. His brother had really had no idea why he had grown flustered when inquired about any ladies he might be interested in. Sometimes Jonne wasn’t that *bright*. Apparently it still hadn’t occurred to his brother that if Jonne and Ville liked men, the same might be true for Tommi!

He continually checked if Bad echo was already online, but no… He started to grow worried. They had met on a site where alcoholics could find support. It was a site for alcoholics and their families, who were also affected by the addiction. Tommi had gone there to find more information about alcohol addiction in order to help Ville cope with it and that was when Bad echo had addressed him. Tommi had explained his problems, not using Ville’s real name of course, and they had talked into the night. After that day, they had chatted every evening and Tommi had gotten the feeling he knew this other man very well. Suddenly Bad echo appeared online and Tommi immediately send him a message.

Tommi says: Hei. I was already wondering what was taking you so long. You’re late. Is everything all right?

Bad echo says: Hei. It’s good you’re here. I’m having a really bad day. It’s been really, really bad. I’m one step away from going into the liquor store and buying some whiskey.

Tommi says: Don’t do that! You know it won’t solve anything and your problems will still be there after you emptied that bottle. Talk to me instead! What’s wrong? What’s driving you to drink again?

Bad echo says: It’s all fucked up, you know. My family life, my work, everything!

Tommi says: You can do better! What’s wrong with your family? I know you’ve got a brother, but…”

Bad echo says: I haven’t talked to him in ages and I have no idea where he is. Sometimes it gets lonely. If only I had someone to talk to. Really talk to, I mean. Not like this over the net.

Tommi says: There must be someone you can talk to! You can always call your therapist!

Bad echo says: That’s different. What I need is a friend. A real friend. One I can sit down with and talk to about everything I screwed up. I got a letter today… I’m officially without a job now and since my… co-workers… were my best friends, I’m also out of friends. This sucks, Tommi!

Tommi bit his bottom lip. He had offered to meet with Bad echo before so they could talk in person, but every time, the other man had said no and he was hesitant to offer again after having been rejected all those times.

Tommi says: Maybe you should find out where your brother is and call him?

Bad echo says: Bad idea. We don’t really get along mostly because we both have drug problems. The last time I saw him we fought.

Tommi says: How about settling things then? Talk to him!

Bad echo says: Not good. When we get together we start screaming at each other and afterwards I only drink more, or even worse, take other drugs. *sigh*

Tommi says: Well, I’ll stick around for the evening if that helps. I’ve got nothing else to do anyways.

Bad echo: So you’re alone too? You live alone, don’t you? Sorry, don’t remember. Memory isn’t what it used to be.

Tommi says: Yes, I live alone, but my brothers were over with their boyfriends and we had dinner. It was nice, having some company.

Bad echo: Don’t misunderstand me, but are you all gay?

Tommi says: I’m not sure we’re gay. My younger brother likes girls too, but the youngest only likes men, I think…

Bad echo says: And what about you?

Tommi says: I dated some girls, but we never hit it off. I’ve been in the closet all my life. Not even my brothers know I like men. And what about...?

Bad echo: Good question… I’ve never been with a man… but sometimes, I’m curious what it’s like. I’m bi if you want to put a label on me.

Silence fell after that. Tommi wasn’t sure what to write and Bad echo didn’t type anything either. Somehow the situation felt awkward.

Bad echo says: Are you still there? You promised you’d stay.

Tommi says: Yes, I’m still here, just thinking.

Bad echo says: What about?

Tommi: I wondered why you never wanted to meet with me. I suggested it a few times and yet you always said no. Why’s that?

Another pause ensued. Tommi waited patiently for Bad echo to reply. He understood it might take a moment to figure out a way to explain things.

Bad echo says: Do you want to know the truth? I’m scared…nervous…that when you see me in person that you won’t want to talk to me.

Tommi says: Why would you think that? We’ve been talking for months now. I feel like I really know you and you know things about me I don’t even tell my brothers!

Bad echo says: I don’t know why…

Tommi says: I don’t want to pressure you, but you just told me how much it would mean to you if you had someone to talk to in person. So why not take a chance?

Bad echo says: I took too many chances already in my life and I ended up hurt each time.

Tommi says: Don’t be so dramatic! What’s the worst thing that can happen to you? That we meet and decide we don’t like each other? I find that scenario hard to believe! Otherwise we wouldn’t have been talking for months! Take a chance!

Another pause came and this time, Tommi became impatient. He didn’t really know why it was so important for him to meet the other man. Maybe some connection had formed the last few months and since Bad echo was going through a rough time, he wanted to support him.

Tommi says: Take the chance. It’s better than to start drinking again!

Bad echo: I guess you got a point there. I’m still scared you might not like me though. I’m not a people person. Not really. I mean, I act the charmer, but…I’m not like that… not really.

Tommi says: Give yourself some credit, okay? So, when and where will we meet?

Bad echo says: There’s this restaurant I sometimes eat at… It’s called Natalie. Do you know it?

Tommi says: *nods* I know it. I’ve never been inside, but I walked past it. And we need to eat anyways, don’t we?

Bad echo says: I guess you’re right. How about tomorrow evening at eight?

Tommi says: That’s fine. How will I recognize you?

Bad echo says: I always have table five. Just tell them you’re with me.

Tommi says: Got it. I’m glad you decided to give me a chance!

Bad echo says: And I hope I won’t regret it like I regret so many things. Oh man, I could really do with some whiskey *eyes the doorway*.

Tommi says: Don’t you do that! Stay with me! Let’s discuss the music scene a bit!

Bad echo says: Sure, why not. I spotted a new band, not sure where they’re from. They’re called SaraLee. Ever heard of them?

Tommi sighed in relief. He had managed to prevent another crisis. It had happened before that Bad echo had been tempted to drink again, but so far, the other man had withstood temptation. Tommi knew it would be an ongoing struggle though. Each day would be a new fight for the other man.

~~~

Antti shrugged. “You kissed me. You tell me! Why did you do that?” Mikko’s kiss had thrown him off balance since he hadn’t been expecting it.

Mikko inclined his head and smiled warmly at Antti. “Because it felt right, maybe? I don’t know why exactly. It just seemed the right thing to do at the moment.” Searching Antti’s eyes, he realized his move really had taken Antti back and doubt rose in him. “Should I have not done that? Did I… offend you in any way? If I did, then I’m sorry!”

Antti was quick to shake his head. “Ei! You didn’t offend me! You just surprised me.” Composing himself, he returned the smile. “This might not be the smartest thing to do.”

Mikko nodded. “Because I’m not over Leena yet.”

Antti nodded as well. “Exactly. I don’t want this to be a rebound thing. That’s why I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t trying to hit on you! Well, maybe subconsciously, but I wasn’t acting like that on purpose. Do you know what I mean? I’m not making any sense, am I?”

Mikko smiled. “I get it anyway. So, what do we do now? Act like the kiss never happened?”

Antti didn’t like that idea. “It happened. There’s no use in pretending it didn’t.”

Mikko slowly, carefully, twined his fingers with Antti’s. “I know that this is a stupid thing to do, but… I like you and I want to give this a chance, but… I need time. I’m not ready for a new relationship and I have no idea how long it’ll take to make my peace with the things Leena did. I don’t know if you can wait that long or if you even want to wait at all.”

Antti chuckled. “I have time!” He squeezed Mikko’s hand. “And you’re not going anywhere considering the fact that you’re living with me!”

Mikko smiled, liking the feel of Antti’s hand resting in his. Maybe moving to Tampere wasn’t that bad after all!

~~~

Antti felt awkward standing in the living room and watching Mikko walk toward him. It would have been easy and tempting to suggest that they share his bed, but Antti told himself to take things easy. If Mikko and he were meant to be, it would happen. Dressed only in his black boxers and a green military shirt, Antti’s mouth went dry when Mikko approached him. “Sleep tight,” he managed, although his nervousness made it hard for him to say anything at all. “I’ll wake you with coffee in the morning and then we’ll find you a job, right?”

Mikko nodded and smiled. “Sounds great.” He felt equally awkward, but he also knew that taking his time to deal with his break up was the only right way if he wanted to be able to start another relationship in time. “Have some sweet dreams, Antti.” His hand reached for Antti’s and he squeezed it. “See you in the morning.”

Antti swallowed hard, forcing his vocal cords to cooperate as he whispered, “If there’s something you need, or… whatever… You know where to find me.”

Nodding, Mikko let go of Antti’s hand and turned around to head for the guest room. He looked at Antti from over his shoulder and smiled. Leena was his past and he had to make his peace with what had happened. Looking at Antti, he wondered if he was looking at his future.

The end for now