Title: Twilight Child

Author: Morgana
Author’s email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: Jonne/Eero and Ville/Juha

Rating: NC-17
Summary: Ville is sentenced to community service and meets a very interesting person.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Not beta read -- all mistakes are mine.

Twilight Child

Part 1

“Eepi, why are you looking so glum?” Ville sits down next me and gives me a probing look. He knows me fairly well and most of the time, he reads me like an open book, but not this time. I’m doing my best to hide my secret from him. I don’t want Ville to find out what is going on, as I am afraid it will ruin our friendship. The best thing I can do is to remain silent and pretend everything is fine.

I shrug and place the acoustic guitar, which I had been playing earlier, aside. “It’s nothing,” I reassure Ville. I hope it will work and that Ville won’t pressure me. He can be stubborn though and it might be hard to keep the truth from him.

“Eero, you can tell me everything,” Ville says as he places an arm around my shoulder. He pulls me against him, and after a moment’s hesitation, I rest my head against his shoulder. I like having Ville close…I hope he won’t abuse my trust in him. Please, Ville don’t probe deeper. You don’t want to know what’s going on!

“What’s going on, Eepi? You have been acting weird for some time now.”

I snort. I was right and he is just trying to make me relax so I will open up to him. “For a time? I’ve been acting weird for the last two years…” I say in a louder voice than I had intended. “I’m sorry… I didn’t want to raise my voice…” I can’t help feeling frustrated though. “Please, let it rest, Ville.” Don’t ask me what’s wrong again.

“I can’t. We’re friends – best friends – and I care about you.” Ville places a finger beneath my chin and raises my face, forcing me to look him in the eye. “I know that you went through a lot this last year and that getting clean was hard on you.” I want to say something, but Ville shakes his head and that is enough to shut me up.

“No, let me say this, okay?” I nod, eager to get it over with. “I’m proud of you for checking into that clinic and getting your act together. But Eero… You got over the drugs, but you seem stuck… For some reason you…” Ville obviously feels at a loss to explain himself. “Sure, you go out, you see and talk to your friends, but something has changed. I can no longer reach you – here.” Ville places his hand against my chest, near to my heart. “What are you locking away? What are you afraid of that I might discover?” Ville grows quiet and studies me, realizing he hit bull’s eye. He knows I’m hiding something from him.

I try to look away, but fail. Ville is my best friend and we trust each other unconditionally. Keeping this from Ville has been killing me for some time, but I rather bear the pain than find out about Ville’s reaction to my little secret. “Please don’t make me tell you.” Ville draws in a deep breath and studies me once more. I know what he sees in my eyes -- sadness, lost hope, and fear.

“Tell me. I won’t let you go until I know what’s tearing us apart. I don’t want to lose you, Eero. You’re my best friend.”

I turn my head away and close my eyes. “You’re going to be so pissed off.”

“You don’t know that. Just tell me.” Ville really wants to know what is going on and won’t give up until he knows – I know Ville well enough to realize that.

“You’re important to me, Eero. You won’t lose me over this. You have been my best friend since we met in Kindergarten. Trust me… please.”

I find it hard to do that, but in the end, I gather my courage, open my eyes, look at him, and nervously moisten my lips. “It’s… Jonne.”

Stunned, Ville blinks. “Jonne?”

“I know that Jonne and I hardly know each other…” I bow my head as I can’t maintain eye contact and fidget with a corner of the shawl I’m wearing. My fingers need to keep busy. “But…”

“But what?” Ville tries to catch my gaze again, but to no avail. I continue to avoid eye contact. “What’s up with Jonne?”

I draw in another deep breath and then blurt out, “I like him!” I flinch, realizing I actually said it and then peek at Ville to find out about his reaction. “I’m sorry.”

Ville blinks repeatedly and then raises his eyebrow. “You like Jonne? What’s wrong with that? Why would that piss me off?” He catches on when I grow flustered and I quickly avert my gaze when Ville finally realizes what I just told him. “Let me get this straight… You *like* Jonne? In that… way?”

I nod minutely and hold my breath, afraid of his next move. “Yes… Do you hate me now?”

Ville obviously needs a moment to process the news. “No, why should I?” He palms my face in his hand and raises my face again. “I never noticed a thing…” He is totally stunned. “Jonne…” He repeats… “You like Jonne.”

I give Ville a shy smile. “I can’t help it… It just happened… I’m relieved that you didn’t kicked me out yet. I didn’t want to tell you… I was afraid it would push us apart. You don’t need to worry about a thing though… I know that Jonne isn’t interested in me so… We can continue like nothing ever happened.” I give Ville a hopeful look. “Let’s forget I ever told you, yes?”

Ville shakes his head. “No, I want to hear more…” He ignores my apparent unease and makes sure I continue to look him in the eye. “When did it start?”

Growing more and more flustered, I moisten my lips again. I always do that when I’m nervous. “About a year ago… Before you went into the army… You were doing bad and I saw the way Jonne cared for you… I don’t know why, but I started to imagine what it would be like if I had a person like Jonne who cared about me. I guess my fantasies got the better of me and… I started dreaming of Jonne and before I knew it, I felt all… jittery when he was around. It helped when you left for the army… I didn’t see Jonne that much then and I did my best to forget about the attraction, but… sometimes… I feel… like that again.”

“What brought it back this time?” Ville blinks in sudden understanding. “The band gets home tomorrow… Is that it?” Negative just finished their European tour and Jonne had called earlier to let Ville know when to pick him up at the airport.

I nod again. I had answered the phone when it had rung and had felt breathless at hearing Jonne’s voice so unexpectedly. I had been quick to hand the phone to Ville and did my best to forget about the incident. Now that Ville brought it up again, the confusing feelings are back. Looking at Ville I can tell that he is stunned -- but he also looks intrigued, which worries me.

“ Eepi, you had girlfriends in the past, but you never said anything about liking guys too.”

“I didn’t know I liked guys until these feelings started.” I let my hair fall in front of my face as I feel increasingly uncomfortable discussing this with Ville. “Please, can we forget I ever told you?”

Ville pushes the blond strands behind my ear and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, but we can’t.” I tense and I can tell Ville regrets phrasing it like that – I’m sensitive at times and I know Ville didn’t want to hurt my feelings. “It’s okay,” I reassure Ville. “I know that you didn’t mean it that way… I won’t make a move, or anything like that,” I promise and laugh bitterly. “It’s not like Jonne notices me anyway!”

Ville startles at hearing the bitterness to my voice and frowns. “Hey, why wouldn’t he?”

The bitterness in my voice grows as I explain, “Ville, Jonne thinks of me as your friend as best. When he’s at home and I’m around a ‘hei’ is all I get. He’s not interested in me… So why would I try? What do I have to offer? Nothing!”

“You have a lot to offer!” Ville objects sharply.

I shake my head. “I have nothing to offer to Jonne! I’m a fuck up – a loser… I did drugs until a year ago, was kicked out of my band, stopped my studies, lost lots of friends, and I’m…” I can’t help it – my eyes fill with tears. “Don’t you get it, Ville? The only good thing in my life right now is you. You stick around when the rest drops me like a hot potato. You have no idea how often I wanted to give up – call it quits, but then you… You told me that I had to go on.” I raise a hand and stroke Ville’s short hair. “The only good thing I have to offer is you…” Shocked Ville stares at me in surprise. He knows that I have self-esteem issues, but he probably never realized how serious they are. Ville shakes his head and places his hands on either side of my face.

“Listen to me, will you?” I remain quiet and continue to look at him, and now that he has my full attention, Ville says, “You have lots to offer! You’re my best friend! You’re loyal. You’re there for people! You’re a gifted musician. You have a great sense of humor and you… Damn it, Eero… I love you and you know it! I love you for who you are! I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself!” He pulls me in for a hug and holds me tight. “Thanks for telling me about Jonne.”

I close my eyes and enjoy the hug. “You made me tell you. I didn’t really have a choice.”

“Which is a good thing…” Ville rubs my back for a long minute and then pulls away so he can look me in the eye again. Ville slowly moistens his lips, and then says, “Are you going to tell Jonne?”

I stare at him in utter shock. “What? Of course not! I don’t want to embarrass myself. Jonne can never know! Promise me that you won’t tell him!” My panic returns upon realizing what Ville can do with this information. “Ville, Jonne can never know! I don’t want him to make fun of me or… ignore me or… be angry with me…” I look beseechingly at Ville. “You can’t tell him!”

Ville stares at me for a long moment before he says, “I won’t tell him – but you should.”

I shake my head repeatedly. “Never! Jonne isn’t interested in me and I can’t force him to notice me! I want everything to stay the way it is!”

Ville however shakes his head and seems to disagree. ”I don’t know how Jonne will react when he learns about the fact that you’re in love with him. Jonne’s behavior is at times hard to predict, but he will never ridicule you because you’re in love with him. Jonne isn’t that kind of person. He won’t be pissed off either – he will probably be flattered that you like him in that way.”

I’m still panicking however and I shake Ville lightly. “Promise me that you’ll keep quiet. I should never have told you!” Ville takes to rubbing my back in a soothing way and smiles sweetly at me. That smile worries me!

“I won’t tell Jonne.”

I should feel reassured at hearing that promise, but for some reason I don’t. “Please Ville…keep quiet… I want to continue seeing you… You’re my best friend and I can’t set a step in here, realizing Jonne knows about the attraction…” Ville pulls me into another hug and holds me tight.

“Don’t worry, Eepi… I don’t want to lose you either. Everything will be okay…”

I allow myself to close his eyes and soak up Ville’s body warmth. Why can’t I be in love with Ville instead? We would work out – I’m sure of that! Why does it have to be Jonne, damn it?

~~~

“Morning, grumpy,” Ville whispers and moves the coffee mug beneath my nose so my nostrils start twitching.

He doesn’t fight fair – he never did, but then again, neither do I. I’m a bitch in the morning and Ville knows it, so I have to credit him for daring to wake me. “Too…early…” I complain. I really love Ville, but since he has been in the army, Ville has the horrid habit of getting up at seven in the morning – a ghastly hour as far as I am concerned. “Let me…sleep…” It is my intention to turn onto my other side, away from my nemesis, but the scent of freshly made coffee makes me stop. Opening one eye – more isn’t necessary at this point -- I take in Ville’s sight. He’s grinning widely and has an expectant look in his eyes. “What’s the time?” On second thought, wait, do I really want the answer to that question?

“It’s a little over eight… I let you sleep late,” Ville says with a dirty grin on his face. “Rise and shine, Eero!”

“I hate you!” I push myself in a sitting position so I can take hold of the coffee. “Just so you know it – after I had that coffee, I’m going back to sleep.” It’s important to let Ville know who’s in control, namely me – or so I like to think.

“No, you’re not!” Ville’s dirty grin remains on his face. “I made breakfast. I have to be at the airport in an hour and I have to run errands first. I just realized that we have nothing left to eat.”

I’m still not convinced that getting up is beneficial to my health. “Let me sleep another hour and I’ll be gone when you and Jonne get here.” Ville’s grin fades and I cringe at having brought up Jonne. Stupid! “Trust me, it’s best when I avoid him.”

“No, you have ten minutes to get dressed and then I expect you in the kitchen. I don’t want to run late and I need you to do something for me, Eero.”

Feeling suspicious, I eye Ville closely. “And what might that be?”

“I can’t run all these errands at the same time. I need you to go to the supermarket and buy food. Don’t worry: I already made a list.”

I sigh and give in. There’s no way I can win this fight. “I hate having to go there. It’s always crowded and people are pushy.”

“It won’t be so bad this early in the morning,” Ville offers as he gets to his feet. “And now get started… You only have eight minutes left.”

I cuss at Ville when he heads for the kitchen, but Ville doesn’t pay me any attention. Why did I give in last night when Ville offered me a bed? Why didn’t I head home? Still mumbling cuss words, I push the comforter away, empty the coffee mug, and pick up my clothes from the floor while heading for the bathroom. I make quick work of cleaning up, wash my face, brush my hair, and use a spare tooth brush to brush my teeth. This has to do. A last look at the mirror tells me that I still look like I had just rolled out of bed, but that’s okay. It isn’t like I have to look pretty for anyone – especially not for Ville, who has seen me at my worst.

“Ah, there you are!” Ville pours more coffee and places a cinnamon bun onto my plate. Sugar is the one thing that helps me wake up and Ville knows it. “You can use my car to go to the supermarket. I don’t have to walk far and you’ll be the one carrying most of the goods.” Ville shoves the car key into my direction. “No stunts though!”

I chuckle guiltily, recalling that one time when I had tried to drive the car using only two wheels instead of four. “I’ll do my best.” I bite a chunk off the bun and munch contently. I still haven’t forgiven him for throwing me out of bed yet though. “After getting those groceries I’m heading home, okay?”

“You don’t want to run into Jonne? Is that it?” Sipping from his coffee, Ville carefully watches me.

I blush, nod, and avert my gaze. “I never wanted you to find out. Now it will be even harder to pretend that nothing is going on – with you knowing about it, I mean,” I try to explain.

“Okay,” Ville says, giving in. “I want to spend the rest of the day with Jonne, but I’ll come to your place tomorrow evening, is that okay?”

“That’s fine…” I peek at Ville and recall his promise. “You won’t tell Jonne, will you?”

Ville nods. “I won’t tell him…”

But that doesn’t mean I trust him to stay true to his word. I know Ville and I have the feeling that he is up to something.

~~~

“Ville, you’re the only one who can make me do this!” I haul the immense load of groceries into the kitchen and collapse onto a chair. What the fuck was Ville thinking when writing that grocery list? Does he expect Jonne to eat all that? Jonne doesn’t eat *that* much! Sighing, I kick at one of the grocery bags, hoping to stop it from tumbling over in that way. The tactic doesn’t work though, and several items tumble from the bag, thankfully no eggs though.

Getting the hint, I get up and put everything in the cupboards or the fridge. It is a good thing that I’m here often so I know where everything goes. Now that everything is tucked away, I’m going to write Ville a message and then head home. I get out my cell phone and am about to start text messaging when I get an incoming call. Ville’s name flashes on the display. This can’t be good. I answer the call and say, “Are you in trouble?”

Ville scolds me at the other end. “How do you do that? How do you know such things?”

“I know you…” I rest my feet on the kitchen table, as there is no one around to tell me differently. “What did you do?”

“Eepi, I was sentenced to community service two weeks ago, remember that?”

“Sure, I do… You smashed those windows when you were drunk.”

“Exactly, and I forgot that I should start working today… Some clinic called in order to me let me know where I need to report in!”

I roll my eyes. It’s typical for Ville to forget about something like that! “Clinic?”

“Yes, they want me to help out. I guess they want me cleaning the place or something like that. Eero, I have to be there in twenty minutes, which means I can’t pick up Jonne at the airport.”

I draw in a deep breath. I’m not doing it: I know I will make an utter ass of myself if I’m alone with Jonne. “Tell Jonne to get a taxi home!”

“I can’t do that! He will be disappointed if there’s no one to pick him up…”

Another sigh escapes me. Ville had better not ask me what I think he’s going to ask me, because the answer will be no. “Ville…”

“Eepi, can you pick Jonne up and take him home? Please! I will owe you big time! Do this for me, will you? Please?”

I close my eyes and count to ten. “You know why I don’t want to do this. Don’t make me.” It’s hard to ignore Ville though as his pleading continues. “Ville, stop it.”

“Eepi, if you care about me – if you love me – please do this for me!”

“You don’t fight fair…” But then again we both don’t. I used the same tactic in the past when I wanted Ville to do stuff for me. “You’re doing this on purpose,” I accuse him, hoping it will make him back off.

“Eepi, I really forgot about that appointment. It slipped my mind! Hey, I’m on probation! Do you really think I want to mess things up? Please, Eero!”

I sigh dramatically. “Okay, I will pick up Jonne and drive him to the apartment, but that is it. I’m gone after that.” I hope that I won’t make a fool out of myself during that time!

“Why are you in such a hurry to go home? You *like* Jonne, remember? Spend time with him.”

I knew Ville was up to something and this merely confirms it! He’s meddling! “Ville, the idea is *not* to be close to him!” Why won’t Ville understand?

“You had better get going, Eero… Streets are still slippery with snow. Jonne hates having to wait.”

I curse at Ville for putting me in this situation, but what can I do? I can’t let my best friend down. “I’ll pick him up.”

“Thanks, Eero! I owe you!”

Ville ends the conversation and I put my phone away. Great, just fucking great! Now I’m in the position, which I always tried to avoid. I have to spend time with Jonne… Please, don’t let me screw up!

~~~

I find it impossible to stand still and pace the arrival hall instead. The moment I got here, I wondered why Ville had insisted I pick up Jonne. Nakki’s and Jay’s girlfriends are here and so is Larry’s mother. They could have easily taken Jonne along for the ride as they are heading downtown too. Ville shouldn’t think that he can get away with his manipulation! The next time I see him, I will tell him so! But at the moment, I’m stuck at the airport.

“Hey, Eero, what are you doing here?”

Being addressed takes me aback as the others weren’t eager to greet me and had ignored me. I turn around and smile at seeing Arttu standing there. He’s one of the few friends I have left. “Ville shanghaied me into picking up Jonne,” I explain and accept the hug he bestows on me. It’s good to see Arttu again. “What happened to your hair though? It’s a different color each time I see you!” Last week it was red and now it’s black.

“Well, I was bored and…” Arttu grins cheekily. “I think I look a bit like Japa now!”

“You do.” I continue to smile at him. Arttu is a true Aatamila – funny, loyal, and a bit wicked. I really like him.

Arttu looks behind me at a monitor and says, “Their plane has landed… Cool!”

I wonder if I could get away with Arttu asking to drive Jonne home. He’s already heading in that direction because of Antti, but before I can ask him, I hear a loud yell.

“Fucking hell, Arttu!”

Something red dashes forward and knocks Arttu against the wall. Antti emerged from the baggage claim first and recognized his brother in spite of the misleading hair color. I can’t help grinning at seeing them head but, hug, and elbow each other in their sides – Aatamila blood – that explains it!

Nakki, Jay, and Larry appear next and greet their respective loved ones, making me feel like the odd man out. Ville should be standing here, not me.

“Ville?”

I recognize Jonne’s voice at once. He has mistaken me for Ville and I understand why. My back is turned toward him and he only sees the blond hair peeking from beneath the beanie I’m wearing. I draw in a deep breath to steady myself – which makes Arttu look at me in a funny way – and turn around. “Sorry, it’s just me.”

Jonne is dragging that horrendous pink suitcase of his and is carrying several plastic bags too – someone went mad shopping. He frowns, looks me over, and then asks, “Where’s Ville?”

“It’s a long story,” I say, hoping my voice sounds steady enough. “It has to do with the community service the judge sentenced him to. He had to report in for it.”

“Okay…” Jonne says slowly and then cusses at his suitcase. “Cooperate will you, you stupid…”

“Can I help?” I offer at seeing him struggle with his baggage.

“That would be great!” Jonne gives me a warm smile and hands me the plastic bags, which he’s carrying. “Don’t worry… I won’t make you drag my suitcase!”

I wouldn’t have minded doing so, but I keep quiet. “I have Ville’s car so I can drive you home,” I say just in order to say something. I don’t want one of those dreaded silences to come between us.

“That’s great… Oh, Eero, the tour was great! I have so much to tell you!”

I nod and smile shyly. I know what Jonne is like – once he starts talking you can’t shut him up again, but for me, that’s good. As long as he is talking, I can’t say anything to embarrass myself.

“Jonne!”

Larry calls out to Jonne, who turns around. Quickly, Jonne gives Larry, and the other band members, a hug and waves at them. “Don’t forget! We have an appointment in two days in the studio! Be there!”

Antti shows Jonne what he thinks about having to go back to work by raising his middle finger. Arttu laughs, takes hold of Antti’s hand, and they leave. A minute later, Jonne and I are the only ones left.

“We should get going! Where did you park?”

Jonne’s energy hasn’t deserted him yet. It’s one reason why I like him – love him – so much. He’s always cheerful, energetic and… charming. He’s fun to be around with and I even like his constant chatting. “I will show you.”

We make our way out of the hall and toward the parking lot. The moment Jonne spots the car he heads for it. I unlock the trunk and watch Jonne try to lift the suitcase into it. It’s too heavy though, and he smiles charmingly at me.

“Care to give me a hand?” Jonne asks.

I nod, and help him put the monster in the trunk. I add the plastic bags and unlock the doors. A moment later, we’re belted up and I’m driving away from the airport.

“Oh, Eero, Holland was great! The whole tour was great! Let me tell you about Spain and Italy and…”

Jonne rattles on and I smile in a silly way as I try to concentrate on the road. It’s great to have Jonne just for myself and I peek at him as he is trying to regal me with tales of his European tour. He looks a bit tired, but not overly. His eyes shine, his lips twitch as he talks, and his hands are always in motion. In a way, he is the complete opposite of me – maybe that is why I’m attracted to him. I often feel depressed, lethargic, and passive… Jonne’s fire however warms me and I soak up as much as I can, hoping that the drive will never end.

TBC

Part 2

I can’t believe I fucked up like that. How could I forget that I had to report in to that clinic today? Contrary to what Eero might think, I didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t want trouble with the courts again! Damn, why didn’t I write the address down? Now I am running about Tampere like mad!

Ah, there it is… That’s the clinic where I have to do my community service… Great, it’s a clinic for the mentally insane… I know I’m not being fair to the people inside, but hey, you fear the things you don’t know. Just how fucking mad are the patients inside?

I enter the building and walk toward the reception desk. There are no security guards so maybe I’m safe after all. I want to see so for myself though and not for the first time do I feel grateful for the self-defense classes, which I took part in during my time in the army. At least I know how to defend myself.

“I’m Ville Liimatainen,” I introduce myself to the receptionist. “I have an appointment with a misses Santavuori.”

She looks up the name in a list and nods. “She is already expecting you. You need to go right, through those doors, and then you can sit down in the waiting area. She will get you in a few minutes.”

“Thanks.” I smile at her, pass through the doors, and sit down. I hope this won’t take long as I want to go home and be reunited with Jonne. I fidget with the beanie, which I took off and stare at the doors in front of me. There are five of them and I wonder which door leads to her office. This lady is going to be my supervisor. She will give me orders and show me what to do. If she’s satisfied at the end of my time here I’m finally done with the court. I was sentenced to forty hours of community service and I can’t wait for them to be over with.

A door opens and an elderly lady appears in the doorway. She has gray hair, which she wears in knot, the glasses on her nose balance precariously on the bridge, and she wears loose fitting trousers and a sweater. “You must be Ville,” she says and smiles at me. “Why don’t you come inside so we can talk?”

I rise from the chair and follow her into the office. She makes a nice enough impression and I smile shyly as I sit down opposite her. “Yes, I’m Ville.”

“Apparently you went to the police and told them that you had wracked several windows,” she starts up the conversation. “Why did you turn yourself in?”

I shrug. “I was drunk when I smashed them. I never wanted to destroy anything and my older brothers told me it was best if I went to the police and told them myself. That’s what I did.”

She nods. “Do you have a drinking problem then?”

“I would rather not discuss it…” She is neither related to me or my therapist. “But I can tell you that I had one in the past.”

“That’s fair enough. I know it’s not my business, and I don’t intend to pry… I’m just trying to figure out what work would suit you best. I don’t think you should be put to work among former addicts.”

I feel increasingly uncomfortable and wonder why the judge assigned me to this particular clinic. “I was under the impression that I should be cleaning – toilets, stuff like that.”

“It’s an option,” she says, and studies me closely. “But I would like you to do other work.”

“What kind of work?” Except for feeling uncomfortable, I also start to feel suspicious.

“We have a patient here… His name is Juha… He’s about your age and he’s a musician. He has been through a lot and certain events traumatized him. His therapist isn’t making progress and I want to try a different approach. I want you to make contact – through music.”

I raise an eyebrow. Of all the things, I thought I would be doing here, that certainly isn’t one of them. “I can try – but I can’t guarantee a thing.”

“I know that… I would appreciate the effort though.”

I nod. “I’ll try,” I repeat. “When do you want me to start?”

“Tomorrow… Can you come in around noon? Juha has some time off in-between therapy sessions, and most of the time, he just sits in his room, staring at the wall. I want him to become active again – to do something!”

I make a mental note of the time and promise myself not to be late. “I’ll be there.”

She rises from her chair, smiles at me, and shakes my hand. “We have several instruments here – we offer music therapy, you know, but if you rather bring your own guitar, that’s all right too.”

“Okay…” I don’t know yet what I will do tomorrow when I meet Juha for the first time. It’s best to improvise, I guess. “I’ll be there.” She walks me to the door, opens it, and a moment later, I’m back in the corridor. So… I won’t be cleaning toilets as I thought… They want me to play therapist instead? Me? I shiver and I hope that I won’t make things worse for Juha.

~~~

I round the corner and find my car standing in front of our apartment building. Eero made it home with Jonne then! I open the front door and use the elevator to get to the top floor on which we live. I open that door too and peek inside. It’s eerily quiet inside the apartment and something tells me not to call out. I remove my shoes, put my coat onto the rack, and tiptoe inside. The kitchen is empty, but the door to the living room is open, so I sneak closer and peek inside. The sight that greets me makes me chuckle.

Jonne is asleep on the couch and Eero is covering him with a blanket. I know what Jonne is like when he gets home. First, he goes into overdrive, and the moment he’s home, he shuts down and only wants to sleep. Looks like Eero didn’t know that as a pot of tea and sandwiches stand on the coffee table. He probably fixed them for Jonne, and while Eero was in the kitchen, Jonne fell asleep. It wouldn’t be the first time that happened!

I muffle my chuckling by putting a hand for my mouth and smile instead. Eero sits down on the edge of the couch and strokes back Jonne’s unruly hair. I seldom see that look on Eero’s face. Yes, he looks at me like that at times, but mostly when I’m hung-over or down with a cold and he feels sorry for me. He’s definitely in love with Jonne and I have to do something about it. I can’t be too obvious about it, but I have to find a way to make Jonne see what’s going on with Eero.

“Someone’s in love,” I whisper cheekily and Eero stares at me in shock. “Eero’s in love…in love, in love, in love!”

“Shut up!” Eero hisses at me, grabs a pillow, and flings it at me. “Shut the fuck up!” He looks quickly at Jonne, but my brother is still lost to the world and fast asleep.

I avoid getting hit and pick up the pillow. I return it to the couch and face an angry Eero. “Don’t worry. When Jonne gets home from a tour, nothing can wake him. Relax!”

“I don’t care! You know that I don’t want you to talk about *that*!” Eero hisses angrily.

“Hey… calm down!” Eero’s panic, because that is what it is and not anger, surprises me. “Jonne has no idea that I meant him.” Eero grabs my arm and pulls me into the kitchen. I let him, as I don’t want to upset him further.

“You made me a promise! You wouldn’t tell Jonne!”

“Calm down, Eepi…” I curl an arm around his shoulder and pull him into an embrace. “I won’t tell him… Sorry for upsetting you just now, but you looked so cute.”

“I don’t look cute! Ever!” Eero hisses and pouts.

“You’re a bitch, better?” I grin wickedly at Eero. I know that he won’t stay angry for long. It’s the way he is – he easily explodes, but always settles down again. Eero starts to nod, but then I add, “What do you think would Jonne rather have? Someone cute or someone who bitches all the time?”

“You’re mean!” Eero swats me in the chest and I pretend being hurt, but I grin all the same. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“I *am* your best friend.” I hug Eero close and wait for him to calm down. And because I’m his best friend, I’m going to try to get them together. I want Eero to have a shot at love. If Jonne doesn’t want him, that’s fine, but I want them to have tried!

“I should get going,” Eero whispers and tries to free himself of the embrace.

“Why don’t you stay for lunch?” I look at the clock. “I’m hungry and I’m sure you can eat too.” Eero wants to protest, but I cut him short. “Someone needs to eat all the food you bought! I don’t want to throw it away!”

Eero sighs. “Okay, I will eat, but then I’m gone. I have things to do.”

“Like what?” I release him, go into the living room, and collect the tray, which holds the tea and sandwiches. Jonne doesn’t need them. I give Jonne a quick look and notice that he has changed his position since we left. He seems asleep though, and knowing he must be exhausted, I leave him to his dreams.

Eero sits at the kitchen table upon my return and still pretends being hurt, offended, or whatever. “You’re a bad actor,” I tell him. Eero looks at me, glares, and crosses his arms in front of his chest. I put the tray in front of him and sit down. “Have some tea.”

“I don’t like tea.”

“Then when did you make it and add two cups?” I grin sweetly at him.

“Jonne wanted some and…asked if I wanted a cup too.”

“And you said yes.” My grin widens.

“He didn’t accept no for an answer. You know what he is like when he wants to talk – he needs an audience.”

I nod. “I know that… Most of the time, I’m the victim. You got off easy with him falling asleep on you.” I think back to the expression on Eero’s face when he stroked back Jonne’s hair. “You need to tell him.”

“No!” Eero points a finger at me. “No! Never, do you hear me? And don’t start meddling!”

Offended, I say, “I’m not meddling!”

“Admit it! You set me up this morning! You arranged it in such a way that I had to pick him up instead!”

“I didn’t!” Now *I* feel offended and glare at Eero. “I really forgot about that appointment!”

“I don’t believe you!”

But I can tell Eero’s growing curious. It won’t be long until he’ll ask me…

”What was it like at that clinic?”

Bingo! I know you so damn well, Eepi! “Weird,” I tell him. “I expected to be cleaning toilets for forty hours, but instead they want me to befriend some patient called Juha and to spend time with him. I hope that I won’t screw up. Apparently this guy has been traumatized, and as he is a musician they think I might be able to help.”

Eero looks at me in disbelief. “They want you to do what?”

“That was my reaction too,” I tell him. “I don’t understand why they want someone like me to hang out with a traumatized patient. I’ll probably make everything worse.”

Eero seems at a loss too. “Well, you can only do your best, I guess.”

I nod. “I’ll try…. But Eero, you should try too.”

“Don’t start again!”

Eero viciously kicks me beneath the table and I rub my shin. “That fucking hurts!”

“Then stop bringing up Jonne, damn it!”

I listen up when I hear noises in the living room. I hope that we didn’t wake Jonne. I signal Eero to be quiet and point at the door to the living room. Eero catches on and his eyes widen.

“Don’t tell me he heard that!”

“I don’t know.” I get up, sneak over to the doorway, and look into the living room. I’m right – we woke up Jonne, who’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I’ll be right back,” I tell Eero. Eero gets up behind me, but doesn’t follow me into the living room. “Hey, why are you awake?” I sit down on the armrest of the couch. Jonne yawns and takes my hand in his.

“I don’t know… Couldn’t sleep for some reason… I missed you!”

Jonne pulls me in for a hug and I hug him back. “It’s good to have you back. I missed you too.” I pull away and exchange the armrest for the couch. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t pick you up from the airport, but…”

Jonne nods and cuts me short. “Eero explained everything to me.”

Ah, it’s time to start scheming. “I asked Eero to pick you up instead and he didn’t mind…”

“That was nice of him.” Jonne sits up, rubs at his eyes again, and looks at the coffee table. “Was it just a dream or did Eero make tea and sandwiches before I fell asleep?”

Grinning, I turn my head toward the kitchen and see Eero standing in the doorway, looking rather dazed. “Eepi, Jonne wants his tea and sandwiches. Do we still have some left?” I ignore the venomous look he gives me and smile instead.

“Why does he always look so grumpy?” Jonne asks suddenly.

I turn my attention back to my older brother and understand why Jonne would call Eero grumpy. “He isn’t grumpy… he’s complicated, but Eero’s okay, you know that.”

Jonne nods, pushes a pillow behind his back, and smiles at me. “You have been best friends for ages. I trust your judgment.”

“You can… You should…” This is going better than I thought. “Eero, where’s the food and the tea?”

“Fuck it, Ville, I’m not your maid!” But a moment later Eero appears carrying the tray. He puts it on the table and clearly doesn’t know how to act.

“Pour some tea, will you?” I ask Eero, so he has something to occupy himself. He glares at me again, and I don’t understand why at first, but when I see his hands shake, I get it. I mouth a sorry which is inaudible, but Eero knows how to read that word from my lips. I said it lots of times already. He nods to show that he accepts the apology and hands me the tea. I, in turn, hand it to Jonne, who is giving both of us odd looks. Jonne is smart, but I don’t expect him to figure out things that quickly. He accepts the tea and blows onto the surface to cool it down.

“I should get going,” Eero says and I hear the small tremble to his voice. “I need to get some groceries for myself too.”

Eero throws me another dirty look. I’m about to suggest that he should stay for dinner when Jonne suddenly starts speaking.

“You can come over for dinner if you want to – as a thank you for picking me up and listening to my babbling the entire time,” Jonne says.

Bewildered, Eero stares at me. He probably hopes I’ll provide him with a reason why he can’t have dinner with us, but then he’s mistaken. “That’s a great idea, Jonne!” Had Jonne not been in the same room, I’m sure I would have suffered another one of Eero’s vicious kicks.

Jonne smiles at Eero and cocks his head. “We can order out or cook.”

Eero is at a loss for words and I feel sorry for him. I don’t want him to feel like that. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Just the three of us.” I don’t want him to pass up an opportunity like that!

Eero surrenders and nods. “Okay…”

I feel hollow about the victory though. I don’t get it – it was Jonne who invited Eero, not me. Why can’t Eero take that as encouragement?

“How late do you want me to show up?” Eero still looks rather beaten and I don’t know why. I look to Jonne for an answer to Eero’s question.

“How about seven?” Jonne suggests. “I won’t stay awake for long though…so don’t feel offended should I fall asleep over dinner. I am beat!”

Eero sees his chance to get out of the deal and says, “We can do dinner another time then!”

I knew he would do that! “No, we have dinner together tonight.” I look toward Jonne for confirmation.

“Yes, tonight…” Jonne sips from his tea, yawns, and reaches for a sandwich. He can’t reach it though and I grin when he looks to Eero for help. I couldn’t have orchestrated it any better!

Eero hands Jonne a sandwich and Jonne bites off a chunk. “Anything special you would like for dinner, Eero?”

Eero blushes… I wish I could help him, but I can’t…. I *do* wonder about Jonne’s sudden interest in Eero. That is a first. Eying Jonne closely I wonder just how long he had been awake before. Did he overhear our conversation and draw the right conclusions? Did I underestimate my dear brother?

“I don’t care…” Eero says and then reconsiders, knowing that doesn’t sound good. “I eat everything.”

“I can vouch for that,” I add, in order to help him. “We will do pizza, all right?” Both Jonne and Eero nod – at least that is one problem solved.

“I will be back around seven then,” Eero says and moves toward the doorway. “Thanks for having me,” he adds shyly and then quickly makes his exit.

Jonne cocks his head and gives me a curious look. “What was that about?”

I draw in a deep breath and realize I have to tread carefully. “You inviting him took Eero aback. He has lost a lot of friends since he kicked his habit.”

“So called friends,” Jonne snorts. “Like the ones you lost because you got your act together.”

He’s right of course. I lost those ‘friends’ who merely wanted to party with me. “It’s worse for Eero… I have you and Tommi… Eero’s parents live in Rovaniemi… he doesn’t have that kind of support.” I want Jonne to understand where Eero’s coming from. Yes, Jonne knows Eero, but not that well.

Jonne shrugs. “I like Eero…”

Grinning, I cock my head. “You do?” I remember a similar admission made only yesterday. Growing bold, I add, “Do you like him *in that way*” Jonne’s eyes widen and he gives me a look, which speaks of utter surprise.

“Why would you think that?”

Okay, maybe not in that way – yet. But that can be remedied. I shrug and pretend ignorance. Studying my fingernails – which need to be done – I remark, “I don’t know… Eero’s handsome, don’t you think?”

Jonne frowns deeply. “Yes, he is…and he’s probably also a nice person… when he isn’t bitching…”

Ah, that’s it. “Jonne, you have to see through Eero’s defenses, and when you do, you will find a very different person beneath the bitching.” Jonne doesn’t look convinced, but something tells me that he is interested in learning more about Eero and so I continue, “Deep down he’s very insecure and afraid.”

“Afraid?”

Yes, Jonne is definitely interested, otherwise he wouldn’t be asking. “Eero knows he fucked up and that most people shun him… Friends are precious to him… He would do anything for me for example…” I bite on my bottom lip. “Jonne… It would mean a lot to me if you get to know him better. Eero is my best friend and you’re my brother.” Jonne however seems lost in thought and I wish I knew what was going on in that head of his.

“Eero…” Deep lines of thought appear on Jonne’s brow when he raises his head and looks at me. “Ville, maybe you’re right… I’ll do my best…”

Satisfied with the result I achieved, I pull Jonne into my arms and hug him. “That’s great.”

TBC

Part 3

Why did Ville do that? No wait, why did Jonne do that? Why invite me over? I feel angry and vent my anger by kicking and punching the pillows on my bed. Through therapy, I learned that it’s better to give into that anger instead of keeping it all inside. I’ll screw up tonight. It’s a miracle that I didn’t embarrass myself earlier that afternoon!

Why did Jonne invite me? I would have understood why if it had been Ville, but why Jonne? Suddenly I feel empty and drained. I collapse onto my bed and hug a pillow close. Life isn’t fair – I know that, but now it’s biting me in the ass big-time and it hurts!

I turn onto my side, pull the comforter up to my chin, and hug the pillow close. It sucks… Now I have to be close to Jonne all evening and I can only hope that I won’t make a fool out of myself.

I want to continue to wallow in self-pity, but suddenly the doorbell rings. I’m surprised, as I don’t get that many visitors these days. I’m loathe to leave my bed, but I get up eventually as the person out there refuses to stop ringing the fucking bell. “I’m on my way – shut up!” I open the door and stare a smiling Arttu. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Arttu ignores me and steps inside. “I’m glad to see you too, Eero,” he says and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I wipe at my cheek and stick out my tongue at him. “Don’t do that.” What is this? The ‘let’s confuse the hell out of Eero’ day?

“I love you too,” Arttu says chuckling and heads for the living room where he drops onto the couch. “So, tell me what’s up with you and Jonne?”

I roll my eyes. “What do you mean? Nothing is up.” Inwardly I scream. No, Arttu can’t know! I try to hold onto my calm and sit down at the other end of the couch.

“Don’t play games with me,” Arttu says and waves a finger at me. “I saw the look on your face and I know what it means!”

“You’re just imagining things… You need to get laid… When did you have sex the last time, Arttu?” Two can play this game… I can be bitchy too.

Arttu doesn’t lose his calm though. Instead, he waves that irritating finger again. “We’re talking about you getting laid, Eero.”

“If you can only bitch, you’d better go home.” I glare at Arttu.

“I just want to help,” Arttu says, looking a bit hurt. “I mean it!”

I’m not sure I believe him. I know Arttu’s tricks. “Thanks, but I don’t need your help.”

In a much softer voice Arttu asks, “So I am right? About Jonne?”

I shrug, as I don’t want him to have such power over me. “Think whatever you want, but don’t start any rumors. If I find out that you have been running your mouth off again, there will be hell to pay, understood?”

“So, I am right after all… Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Arttu rises from the couch. “I will leave you alone then. There’s no reasoning with you when you’re in such a foul mood.”

I *do* feel bad about taking it out on Arttu. I’m not angry with him for figuring it out… It’s just… I’m angry, pissed off, hurt, and frustrated and Arttu happened to show up at the wrong time. “Sorry,” I whisper. “It’s nothing personal.”

“I know that…” Arttu carefully approaches and gives me a hug, which I return. “Just get that anger out of your system before you see Jonne again, okay?”

“Jonne has nothing to do with it,” I tell him, but Arttu merely shakes his head.

“It’s okay. You’re entitled to your privacy. Just take care of yourself.” Arttu hugs me again and then walks over to the front door. “And should you ever feel like talking, you can always call me!” he says before closing the door behind him.

Great, now that Arttu knows, the whole of Tampere will know within the week. There’s no way he can keep it a secret: Arttu is a chatterbox and the first person he will tell my secret to is Antti… And it’s a short way from Antti to Jonne. I drop onto the couch and rest my head against the comfort. I’m fucked…

~~~

I’m torn – should I dress up and make an effort to look my best, or should I stay as disheveled as I am? I fell asleep on the couch, my hair is tousled and I have strange wrinkles in my face: I look like shit. Why bother to dress up? Maybe because I *do* want to make a good impression on Jonne? Great, now I am back to nail biting too. I glare at my fingertips in disdain. It took me weeks for them to look normal and now, the effort was in vain. At least, it’s just my right hand. My left one looks normal.

I give up debating the matter and head for the bathroom. I strip, step into the shower stall, and make quick work of cleaning up. I even wash my hair – most of the time I am too lazy to do that. As it is rather chilly in the apartment, I run into my bedroom, open the closet, and grab some clothes, which I hope will look good together.

Standing in front of the mirror five minutes later, I realize I failed. I look ordinary at best with these jeans on. The green long sleeve and red shirt make me look boring, but I can’t be bothered to change clothes again. It will have to do. A look at the clock tells me that I should hurry. I don’t want to be late and it’s already half past six.

I return to the bathroom to blow-dry my hair. I give up on styling it as it has a will of its own. I slip into my shoes, search for my favorite shawl, and put on my coat. I look into the mirror one last time and I don’t find anything attractive about me… So why would Jonne find me interesting? I pull a beanie over my head and leave the apartment. I feel jittery and my heart is doing a million beats per second. Maybe I am lucky and Jonne fell asleep again, but I doubt I have such luck.

~~~

“You’re right on time! Pizzas are almost ready,” Ville says, welcoming me. “Now don’t give me that look! Try to enjoy yourself for a change and relax.” Ville puts my coat on the rack and rests his hands on my shoulders. He massages my neck for a few seconds and pulls me against his chest. “Relax, Eero… You don’t have to be afraid. Jonne is a nice guy, you know that.”

He’s right of course, but my nerves aren’t impressed. I still feel shaky. “I shouldn’t have accepted that dinner invitation.” I follow Ville into the kitchen and lower my eyes upon seeing Jonne already seated at the set kitchen table.

“Eero! Nice to see you. Come on, sit down.”

Jonne seems friendly enough and I smile bashfully, still avoiding eye contact though. I sit down opposite Jonne so Ville has to sit in-between us. “Thanks again for having me.” I have no idea what to say, and what I said just now sounds lame.

“You’re welcome. Ah, pizza!”

Jonne’s delighted outcry makes me raise my gaze, and while Jonne focuses on his pizza, I take in his appearance. He still looks tired and he will probably fall asleep right after dinner. He didn’t change his clothes or shower… He’s most likely too fatigued for that. He still looks good though and a sigh escapes me. Jonne looks at me and I feel caught. He knows that I stared at him!

“Smells good, don’t you think?” Jonne remarks as he divides the two pizzas into large slices.

“Sure.” I mentally kick myself. Why can’t I say something even remotely intelligent when Jonne’s near? Jonne slides some pizza onto our plates and smiles at me.

“I hope you brought a good appetite. We have dessert too.”

I don’t feel like eating at all. My stomach is already doing somersaults because I’m so damn nervous. “Actually, I’m not.” Great, not that sounds ungrateful, like the food isn’t good enough for me.

“Just try the pizza,” Ville says as he sits down.

I startle at feeling Ville reach for my hand, but then he squeezes the limb and let’s go again. Thanks, I need all the support I can get. I force myself to take a bite and find the pizza tasty. My stomach suddenly growls, letting me know that I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast and that it needs more food. I eat the rest of the slice and hope it will stay down.

“Do you drink wine?” Jonne asks.

I exchange a quick look with Ville. Contrary to him, I don’t have a drinking problem. I don’t particularly like alcohol, so that kept me from going down that road. I like the harder stuff. “Just one glass…” Jonne puts a glass of red wine in front of me.

Ville passes and opts for orange juice instead. Jonne pours himself some red wine and sips from it. The two of them exchange a look and Ville nods at Jonne. I wonder what that is all about.

“I want to thank you for picking me up,” Jonne says in that warm voice of his and smiles at me. “I hate it when I come home and no one is there to welcome me.”

Jonne already thanked me for that and I wonder why he’s bringing it up again. “It was no problem.” I don’t like standing in the spotlight and look to Ville to change the subject. If he doesn’t act quickly I’m going to kick him! But before Ville can act, Jonne is talking again.

“Ville was lucky that you had time to pick me up instead… What do you do these days? Don’t you study?”

I wish the floor would open and swallow me. Now I have to admit to Jonne that I’m a loser – great. “Not anymore… I quit university… I don’t have the time or energy for it.”

“Because you were cleaning up your act?”

I raise my eyes and nod. I can’t run from this and have to face Jonne’s disdain at finding out what a fuck up I am. “I’m trying to find a job, but it’s hard. At the moment there aren’t many jobs around.”

“So how do you pay rent and stuff?”

Jonne seems genuinely interested in what’s going on with me and I decide to trust him. I don’t know if he will betray me like many so called friends did in the past. “I saved some money and I get benefits, but… It’s tight.”

“You seem to manage though,” Jonne remarks. He pushes his plate away, takes hold of the wine, and swirls the liquid about in the glass.

Okay, it’s time to confess up. “Ville helps me.”

Jonne’s gaze shifts from me to his brother’s face. “You’re helping him out?”

Ville nods. “It’s no big deal and it’s not that much money… Eero would do the same thing for me if things were reversed. That’s what friends are for.”

I gather my courage and look at Jonne to find out his reaction to that news. A soft smile appears on Jonne’s face and he pats Ville’s arm. “That’s a nice thing of you to do.” Jonne shifts his attention back to me and I have to force myself to maintain eye contact. “Ville’s friends are mine too, so if you ever need anything, just tell me.”

“Thanks…” I didn’t expect that offer. I had been afraid that Jonne would turn away from me and think of me as a failure.

Suddenly Ville’s cell phone rings and he excuses himself. Ville goes into the living room and the only thing I hear is, ‘Hei, Arttu’.

“Don’t you like the wine?” Jonne asks and finishes his drink.

“It’s okay…” Damn it, why can’t I be more graceful just once? Why can’t I compliment him? Now that Ville is gone, I feel even more lost. What am I supposed to say?

“Maybe you would like to jam a bit later? If I’m still awake, that is,” Jonne quips.

My heart misses a beat when he gets to his feet and exchanges his chair for the one Ville formerly occupied. Suddenly he’s very close.

“Eero, are you afraid of me for some reason? The way you look at me worries me.”

I quickly avert my gaze. I hadn’t thought Jonne would address the matter so directly. “It’s…” My voice falters and I don’t know what to say. Jonne raises a hand and rests it on my wrist. My first impulse is to pull my arm away, but that would be rude and it feels good to have Jonne so close.

“Then what is it? Come on, we’ve known each other for a long time… You can tell me. I know we’re not best friends, but I worry…”

Jonne’s voice is soothing and lures me into a false sense of safety. His scent, his voice, and presence are intoxicating and I can’t look away. I have to look at him… I want him closer… I want to feel his arms around me and his lips pressed against mine. Instantly I close my eyes and turn my head away from him. I can’t let him read all that on my face. I’m not good at hiding stuff. Jonne squeezes my hand and my eyes open again. Why did he do that?

Jonne moves closer still and continues to study me. “Why do I think that you want me to kiss you?” he asks as he cocks his head.

No, he can’t have figured it! I might be acting odd, but he can’t possibly know what’s going on in my head! “Ville told you!” I call out at him in anger. Ville betrayed me! Or maybe Arttu and Antti told Jonne!

Jonne however shakes his head. “He didn’t have to tell me. I overheard your conversation earlier today.”

I search for the condemnation in his eyes, for rejection and disapproval, but I find none. “I don’t know what you think you heard, but you misheard!” It’s time for damage control and where is Ville when I need him?

“So I’m wrong to assume that you’re in love with me?” Jonne studies me extensively and his fingers rub the inside of my wrist. It’s a hypnotic motion and he’s quickly putting me under his spell. I have to break it though. “You’re wrong.”

“I don’t think so.” Jonne doesn’t seem interested in arguing about it, instead, he asks, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” I stay in denial – I’m good at that!

“That you are in love with me.” Jonne however is good at getting the conversation back on track. “I’m flattered, you know.”

I can’t believe he said that! “Flattered? Jonne… you deserve much better than me!”

“So it is true,” Jonne whispers in a thoughtful voice. “And you never told me because you’re afraid of rejection… Makes sense.”

The situation feels surreal and I don’t know what to do. “So you know the truth now,” I say eventually, “Nothing has to change… I told Ville the same thing. I know that you’re not interested in me and… it’s okay that way.”

“You’re right… I’m not in love with you,” Jonne says, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want anything to do with you. Why don’t you give me a chance to find out more about you? We can spend time together and who knows what might happen.”

“Don’t feed me false hope,” I spit embittered. “If you’re not in love with me now, you never will be!”

“How can you be so sure? Don’t you know any couples which needed time to get together?”

I snort. “Jonne, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to try. I know things won’t work out… No way!” I pull my hand free from his hold and get to my feet, accidentally knocking the chair down to the floor. “Please don’t sabotage my friendship with Ville because of this… I’ll keep clear of you, but… let me have Ville’s friendship.” I’m upset and not acting rationally. I turn around and flee the apartment, running onto the street. I can’t stay there a moment longer!

~~~

I pull my coat closer and curse loudly because the streets are so damn slippery. It’s the end of March for fuck’s sake! Let spring come and the stupid snow disappear! I almost slip on a particularly thick patch of ice, but manage to keep my balance. I continue to walk – as fast as I can. The only thing I want right now is to go home and never face Jonne again!

“Eero, wait for me!”

Jonne’s voice, coming from behind me, takes me aback and I spin around as fast as the slippery ice allows me too. What the hell is he doing? He isn’t even wearing a coat – he’s going to catch a cold or worse, pneumonia!

“Eero, wait!”

Jonne calls out to me again and involuntarily I stay where I are. For some reason my body refuses to move. Jonne is still ten meters away from me when he suddenly starts to slide on the ice. He throws his hands into the air, releases a muffled scream, and stumbles over his feet. He ends up on his butt, but the moment he comes to a standstill, he reaches for his right ankle and cusses angrily. Damn, now I have to go over there and help.

“Damn it, that hurts, fuck!”

Sitting on my heels next to him, I watch his eyes fill with tears. “Hopefully it isn’t broken.” I can’t desert him now and wrap an arm around his shoulders. “Let’s find out if you can stand.” Slowly, I pull him to his feet, but he hisses angrily when he tries to put weight onto his injured ankle.

“Eero, it hurts…”

Jonne stares at me with big eyes. He is reacting to the shock of hitting the pavement and needs a moment to catch his breath and compose himself. “I’ll help you get home.” I consider calling a taxi, but we’re only three hundred meters away from his apartment. “Lean on me,” I offer and tighten my hold on him. Jonne leans heavily against me and wraps an arm around me in turn. “Does anything else hurt, except for your ankle?”

“I’m not sure… My shoulder feels odd, but…” Jonne gives me another dazed look. “My ankle hurts the most…”

“If it hurts that much, it’s probably sprained and not broken.” If it’s sprained it will hamper him for the next few weeks, but at least he won’t need a cast. “What were you thinking?” I ask Jonne in an attempt to distract him from his discomfort. “Coming after me!”

“I couldn’t let you leave like that,” Jonne explains and hisses each time he moves his foot. “I’m sorry if I came on too strong earlier…”

“It’s okay,” I say, forgiving him. “It wasn’t your fault to begin with.” We’re back at his apartment building and I help him into the elevator. Thank God it’s working. We ride to the top floor, I open the door, and help him down the corridor toward the front door. “Almost there.” Jonne nods, but doesn’t speak. I can tell that it takes all of his discipline not to give into the pain. I feel sorry for him – I don’t want him to be in any pain. I ring the doorbell, and a moment later, Ville opens the door. Surprised he looks at the two of us.

“What happened?” Ville steps aside and I continue to support Jonne as he makes his way inside. I want to hand him over to Ville, but Jonne seems unwilling to let go of me.

“I slipped on the ice,” Jonne says and steers me toward the couch in the living room. I comply and help him sit down. “I should stop wearing sneakers when I go outside,” he says in a sad voice. “Hopefully we can still get the shoe off.”

“Ville, you had first aid training in the arm, why don’t you take things from here?” Ville nods and I wonder if I get away with leaving for home, but Ville looks at me and my hopes dwindle.

“I need ice, Eero… Get as much as you can from the fridge and put it in a large bowl… Fill it up with cold water and then bring it over here. We need to cool the ankle.”

So that’s it for getting out… I head for the kitchen and hear Jonne whimper loudly when Ville starts removing the sneaker and socks. I follow Ville’s instructions, get out the ice, add the cold water, and carry the tub into the living room. Jonne’s awfully pale and he’s biting on his bottom lip in order to keep the discomfort inside. A look at his ankle tells me that it’s swelling already. It’s also turning blue.

“I don’t think it’s broken,” Ville says after carefully examining the ankle. “But we need to cool it fast.”

I place the tub onto the floor and Ville helps Jonne to put his foot in there. Jonne hisses and rubs his upper arms like he’s feeling cold. There’s a throw on the couch and I pick it up. I wrap it around him and hope it will help him warm up.

“Thanks,” Jonne says and gives me a grateful smile. I’m about to step away from him again when he reaches for my wrist and pulls me down next to him on the couch. “That’s freezing cold,” he says and indicates his head toward the water. “But at least the pain is going away.” He leans against me and rests his head against my shoulder. I don’t know what to make of that move, but in the end, I wrap an arm around him and pull him close. Jonne *is* shivering over his entire body and maybe I can help warm him further.

I raise my head and lock gazes with Ville. He looks concerned, but at the same time, a grin is trying to manifest on his face. I know that expression – he’s up to something.

“Jonne, you’re going to be okay… Keep your foot in there for another ten minutes and then rest. Don’t try to walk on it… If you need to go somewhere make sure you have support.” Ville then leaves the living room and returns wearing his shoes, coat, and a beanie. Where the hell does he think he’s going?

“Arttu called earlier,” Ville says, addressing me, “and he asked me to drop by. I’ll be back in a few hours. Take good care of Jonne for me.”

Ville’s blinding grin sets off my alarms. He is doing it again! I’m about to call him on his behavior, when Jonne suddenly squeezes my hand.

“Be careful out there, Ville. It’s slippery,” Jonne says and masters a weak smile.

“I’ll be careful,” Ville promises. He raises a hand in goodbye, waves, and is gone, leaving me alone with Jonne!

TBC

Part 4

“My foot is about to freeze off… Aren’t those ten minutes up yet?”

Jonne is restless and wants to remove his foot from the ice bath. I check the time and nod. “They’re up. Let me get you a towel first though.”

“Hurry, will you?” Jonne stares in disdain at his swollen ankle, still visible in the water.

I hurry into the bathroom, collect a towel, and return to the living room. During my way there, I shrug out of my coat and remove my shoes. I kneel close to Jonne and remove his foot from the water. He’s right – that water is ice cold. “Put your foot here,” I tell him and point toward my upper leg. Jonne complies and I wrap the towel around his foot. I cautiously rub it dry and am careful not to cause Jonne any additional discomfort. “Is that okay?” I look at Jonne and am surprised to see a smile on his face.

“So you can be gentle if you want to,” Jonne smart mouths. “I wasn’t sure you had it in you.”

My first reaction is to pout, but then I realize that I haven’t given him much reason to think that I’m anything but grumpy. “Sorry for being rude earlier… Your admission took me aback… I didn’t think you had overheard that conversation.” Jonne’s foot remains on my upper leg and I wonder what to do next. Ville told Jonne not to walk so that probably means Jonne is stuck on the couch. “You should put that leg up…”

Jonne nods and sighs. “You’re right… I’m confined to the couch for now, but you will help me into bed later? The couch is too uncomfortable to sleep on.”

That means I have to stay until Ville gets back… I have no choice and nod. “I’ll help.” Jonne’s shivering again, even tucked away beneath the throw and I want to help. “I can make tea if you’re feeling chilly.”

“That would be great!” Jonne tries to raise his foot, but his features contort. “Can you help me get it on the couch?”

I slowly raise his leg and help him get comfortable. Jonne struggles with the blanket and I tuck it around his form. “I’ll be right back - with tea.” In a way, it is my fault that Jonne is incapacitated. Jonne mumbles contently and closes his eyes.

I step into the kitchen and make a pot of tea. I know where Ville hides his secret cookie stash and add some to the tray. I carry it into the living room and put it on the coffee table. Jonne’s looking at me and I start to blush, damn it.

“I’m starting to think that Ville is right,” Jonne says cryptically.

I hand him a mug filled with tea and Jonne quickly wraps his fingers around it. His remark makes me curious, just as he intended. “What do you mean?” I pour tea for myself and sit down in the recliner next to the couch.

“Ville said that you are a different person beneath the mask which you wear. I think he’s right. I’m seeing a new side to you.”

His words cause my blush to deepen and I stare at the mug in my hands so I don’t have to face Jonne.

“Why don’t you want people to know that you are a caring person?” Jonne asks in a thoughtful voice.

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

“You can do better than that, Eero.”

Jonne sips from his tea and I feel his eyes upon me. I really don’t know the answer to his question. “It’s who I am… It’s easier to bitch than…”

“Make an effort to befriend people? Can it be that you’re afraid to be dumped again?”

I flinch – he might be right about that. I don’t answer him though. I merely shrug.

“You lost a lot of friends, like Ville did, but Eero, those weren’t real friends. They were just using you.”

Jonne’s right again, but I don’t want to admit what a fool I was in the past. “How is your ankle?” I ask, trying to distract Jonne from questioning me further.

“I want painkillers…” Jonne cocks his head and looks pleadingly. “Will you get me some? They’re in the bathroom.”

“I know where they are,” I confirm and rise from the recliner. “I got them for Ville more than once.” I fetch the painkillers from the bathroom and return carrying a glass of water so he can swallow them. “How many do you want?” I push two of them out of the blister pack and hand them to Jonne.

“Hopefully that will do.” Jonne swallows the pills and puts the water aside. “Why don’t you sit with me for a moment?” He pats the couch and gives me an expectant look. I’m not sure I should comply, but in the end, I sit down on the edge. I wonder why he wants me close. “Hey, look at me… I’m not dangerous – or a monster.”

I swallow hard and my mouth grows dry. I raise my gaze and meet his. Jonne truly doesn’t look threatening, but my heart pounds away at any rate. I feel lost staring into his eyes and a sigh escapes me. I’m a fool for falling in love with him.

“Come a bit closer, will you?” Jonne crooks his finger and signals me even closer. I shift minutely, but then halt in my tracks. Jonne placed his hand on my shoulder and his fingers are now sneaking toward the nape of my neck. My breath catches and I feel trapped.

Jonne pulls me closer, and suddenly his lips press against mine. My breathing quickens, my heart beats madly in my chest, and I close my eyes in bliss. I never thought this moment would ever happen. His fingertips rub against the sensitive skin of my neck and send quivers of delight through my body. Suddenly, I open my eyes upon realizing what’s going on. I pull away, break off the kiss, and stare at Jonne in surprise. “Why…?”

He smiles and whispers, “I wondered what you would taste like.”

His words cause my skin to tingle. In a small voice, I ask, “Did you like it?”

“Let me show you how much I liked it…”

Jonne pulls me close again and seeks out my lips. I can’t believe this is happening and I decide to make the best of the moment. Jonne might not kiss me a third time and I need to memorize the way he tastes…the way his lips feel against mine…the way he holds me close… I tremble when he releases me and when his lips leave mine. Looking dreamily at Jonne, I try to comprehend what just happened: Jonne kissed me…

Jonne smiles back at me and strokes an elusive strand of my hair behind my ear. A dreadful feeling creeps upon me. “You…didn’t do that…out of pity…did you?”

Jonne shakes his head. “I wouldn’t do that.”

“Then why did you do it?” Jonne’s fingers still move through my hair, and although I love the feel of it, I’m not sure I should enjoy it. I need to know why he’s doing this first.

“I’m intrigued,” Jonne admits. “You pretend to be one thing, but now it seems you might be something completely else.”

Okay, I can live with that. I still feel awkward though and move slightly away from Jonne.

“I didn’t think you’d be shy,” Jonne says softly and caresses my face.

I’m blushing to the roots of my hair and feel ashamed because of it. “I… I’m not used to… someone like you… kissing me…” It doesn’t help either that my crush is deepening. Jonne’s fingertips brush against my facial skin and then slip into my hair. He gently massages my scalp and the motion helps me make eye contact again.

“For how long have you been in love with me?” Jonne wants to know.

I’m tempted to lower my gaze again, but continue to look at him instead. “For a year now.”

“And you never said anything? Did Ville know?”

I shake my head. “I was afraid it would change things between Ville and me so I stayed quiet. I wasn’t sure how he would react to me having feelings for you.”

“But he reacted well, didn’t he? I think he’s trying to play match maker.” Jonne chuckles softly and his hand moves from my neck to my arm where he curls his fingers around mine. “He might not need to act on your behalf though,” Jonne adds and winks at me.

Damn it… I’m acting like I’m in love for the first time! I’ve had girlfriends, and a boyfriend for that matter, but it’s different when Jonne looks at me like that. My skin starts to tingle again and it’s like my fingers are growing warmer. “Normally… Normally, I’m not like this,” I say shyly.

“I like this side to you,” Jonne quips. His fingers squeeze mine. “Eero, I want to get to know you better… But you have to promise me something.”

I moisten my lips and wonder what he wants from me. “What?”

“Stop being bitchy all the time. You don’t need to keep me at a distance and I won’t get to know you if you keep acting that way. Let me see *you* beneath that mask. Can you do that for me?”

That’s a fair request and I nod. “I can try. I can’t promise I won’t fall back into that kind of behavior though. It’s second nature to me.”

“I can live with that.” Jonne yawns, squeezes my hand again, and burrows deeper beneath the blanket. “What’s the time?”

“Almost ten.” Maybe it would be best if Jonne went to bed and got some sleep. The problem however is that I have no idea when Ville will return and how much longer I have to stay.

“Eero, you can stay the night if you want to. You can have Ville’s bed. I feel more at ease if someone is around.” Jonne points toward his foot hidden beneath the blanket. “Just in case I need help.”

I’m not sure I should say yes… “Ville will return shortly and can take care of you.”

“Eero, your trust in Ville does you credit, but you do realize that he won’t be back tonight?”

A sinking feeling develops in the pit of my stomach. “Do you really think he would do that?” Jonne gives me a probing look and I realize he’s right. “He *is* playing match maker.”

“We can do without him!” Jonne says decisively. “You have to help me into the bathroom though and later into bed, but I’m sure we can manage.” Jonne throws off the blanket and flinches upon seeing just how swollen his ankle is. “Damn, that’s bad.”

“It will go down again… In two weeks time you’ll be as good as new.” I help him to his feet and smile at hearing him cuss. “You need to give it time.”

“I’m not good at being patient.” Jonne raises his head and looks me in the eye. “You *do* realize you’re stuck nursing me? After all, you’re the reason why I’m wounded!”

Oh no, Ville played me like that too many times and I’m not having it. “It was your decision to come after me only wearing those sneakers! Don’t blame this on me!” An odd expression appears in Jonne’s eyes and it takes me a moment to identify it. Is it admiration?

“Ah, good… I like people who aren’t afraid to kick my butt!”

Jonne’s grin makes me smile back at him. “Good, because I don’t like being manipulated into a guilt trip.” It’s amazing; during these last few hours I’ve grown surprisingly comfortable around Jonne and I’m even bantering with him. It’s because I’ve let down my guard and are no longer fighting this attraction. I didn’t think that would happen so fast.

I help Jonne into the bathroom and leave when he asks for some privacy. I venture into his bedroom instead, switch on the lights, and pull down the covers so he can easily slip inside. I feel like an intruder in a way, but I’m also curious. I’ve been in here once or twice when Ville wanted something from Jonne’s closet, but I never took the time to study the room itself.

It has a romantic touch, I suppose. The bed’s made of dark wood, the bed linen is spotless white, and there are several plants on the windowsill. I smile at seeing the stuffed animals at the foot end of the bed and place them in the Rotan chair standing in the corner.

“Eero?”

I return to the bathroom: Jonne changed into a T-shirt and jogging pants. “Ready for bed?”

“I look like it, don’t I?”

He also removed his make-up and looks even better now. I didn’t think that was even possible. After wrapping an arm around Jonne’s waist, we make our way into the bedroom. “Do you want more painkillers before going to sleep?”

“You can put them and some water on the nightstand… Should I need them, I’ll take them.” Jonne lies down and I raise his leg so he can make himself comfortable.

“You can call me if you need something. Just yell really loud,” I offer.

Jonne smiles warmly. “Ville’s room is next to mine. I don’t have to yell…”

My mouth grows dry because of the way he says it. He sounds sensual and I fight down the arousal that forms in the pit of my stomach. “I’d better turn in too…if you don’t need anything that is.”

“Eero?”

Jonne raises his hand, I place mine in it, and allow him to pull me close again. I’m nervous and don’t know what he is up to this time. He pulls me down until I’m sitting on the side of the bed and gives me a long, probing look.

“Do I get a goodnight kiss?”

His question sends the blood rushing through my veins. “If you want one…”

Jonne nods and beckons me to lean in closer, which I do. A moment later, his lips press against mine and then a tongue pushes gently against my teeth. I open my mouth and allow him inside. I can’t stop myself and slide my hand up until I palm the back of his head in it. Slowly, and ever so gently, I return the kiss and teasingly brush the tip of his tongue with mine. He tastes of tea and cookies and I smell his aftershave. How I love that scent!

It’s hard to pull away from him, especially since my body reacts to his kiss in a rather demanding way. “Jonne…” I’m breathless by the time our lips part and I know how I must look to him – flushed and needy. Jonne looks content and intrigued, just like he said earlier. I intrigue him – that thought is enough to make me grin in a silly way.

“That was a good kiss,” Jonne compliments me. “I think I will want a good morning kiss too.”

“I would like that too…” I rise from the bed – reluctantly – but I know he needs his sleep. “Call me if you need anything.”

“I will,” Jonne says as he pulls the comforter up to his chin. “Sleep tight, Eero. See you in the morning.”

“Sleep tight too,” I reply and head for the doorway. I doubt I can sleep though – I am much too riled up for that.

~~~

Jonne proves to be right – Ville doesn’t return home that night. Ville *is* playing matchmaker and wants me to spend time with Jonne. I should be grateful in a way, but I don’t like being manipulated. Ville is lucky that I’m too tired to call him, but I will lecture him tomorrow.

I slept in Ville’s bed before so that’s nothing new. We shared on several occasions – mostly in winter when it was chilly in the room. Nothing ever happened though. We’re best friends – nothing more and we both like it that way.

I turn onto my side, tuck my hand beneath the pillow, and softly call out Jonne’s name. “Jonne?”

“Yes?”

I grin – he’s still awake. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine…about to fall asleep… How about you?”

“Me too…”

“Go to sleep then… Night…”

Jonne’s voice fades away and I close my eyes, hoping sleep will come quickly.

~~~

I wake up early the next morning. The sun isn’t up yet and I push down the covers to get out of bed. I tiptoe over to Jonne’s bedroom, not wanting to wake him. I feel the need to check on him. I need to know he’s fine.

Jonne is fast asleep and has a smile on his feet. Soundlessly I enter the bedroom, move over to the bed, and just stand there. I want to touch him so badly. Just feel his hair between my fingers would do – or stroke his skin. He’s made to be touched.

My hand trembles as I raise it. I stop it in mid-air, as I don’t want to touch Jonne without his permission, but temptation is stronger and I stroke his hair. To my relief, Jonne doesn’t wake up – he purrs slightly and hearing it makes me chuckle. “I love you.” Now that he’s asleep and can’t hear me I feel confident enough to say the words. “I really do.” I lean in closer and press a gentle kiss onto his brow. “Sleep tight.” I don’t think he will mind that little kiss, not after the one we shared earlier. I’m about to turn around when Jonne’s eyes open. He gazes at me and I swallow hard. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Don’t worry about it…” Jonne shifts slightly and flinches when his foot rubs against the mattress. “Can’t you sleep?”

Growing bold, I sit on the edge of his bed again. “I slept for some hours but then I woke up and had to know you’re okay… I worry…about you…” It’s hard for me to openly share my feelings, but I’m trying. I would love to take his hand in mine and twine our fingers, but I don’t want to trespass.

Jonne suddenly raises the comforter and inclines his head toward me. “Come on, get into bed. You won’t sleep peacefully in Ville’s room.”

“Jonne, I don’t think I should…” Kissing is one thing, but sharing a bed…

“I don’t bite, honestly… I’ll keep my hands to myself and won’t molest you.”

I relax at hearing his teasing and smile shyly. “You wouldn’t stand much of a chance anyway with that ankle.”

“See! Come on, and keep me company!”

Against better judgment, I give in and lie down on my side at some distance from Jonne.

“Hum, you *do* know that I want to keep the warmth confined beneath the comforter? With you lying over there it won’t work.”

I inch closer but still keep my distance. “Better?”

“Not much, but it will do.” Jonne yawns, but doesn’t close his eyes yet. “What’s your favorite color, Eero?”

I blink surprised. “Why do you want to know that?”

“I want to get to know you, remember?” Jonne reminds me.

Right, he said so before. “Green I suppose… I like grey too.”

Jonne raises an eyebrow. “Uncommon choices.”

“What is yours? Turquoise, isn’t it?”

Jonne nods, presses deeper into mattress, and yawns again. “I love that color… You know more about me than I know about you.”

“I don’t mind…” My fingers itch to touch his hair again, but I restrain myself.

“Maybe you can distract me tomorrow… I’ll be bored out of my mind if I have to stay in bed all day.”

“I’ll do my best. It won’t be so bad. You can still compose, play the guitar, sing, read, listen to music…”

Jonne chuckles. “It’s okay, I get the idea, but it will be more fun if you’re around too.”

“Are you sure of that? Most of the time I ruin the mood instead of brightening it.”

“I’m sure. Have some confidence, will you?” Jonne grows serious and reaches for my hand. After squeezing it, he adds, “Give it a shot.”

It’s hard for me to give us that chance. I still believe that we won’t work out. Jonne will tire of me, dump me, and then I’ll be hurt again. “I’m scared,” I admit.

“What’s life without taking risks now and then?”

“I took too many risks already…” I sigh and close my eyes. “I want to trust you and believe you really like me…”

“I kissed you… Would I do that if I didn’t like you? Eero, you intrigue me. Sure, I never thought about you in that way before, but that’s because I always thought of you as Ville’s best friend.” Jonne yawns again. “Can we discuss this in the morning? I’m tired and it’s still dark outside.”

“Sorry, I didn’t want to keep you awake.”

“Go to sleep, Eero… and stop worrying…” A moment later, Jonne is asleep again and snoring softly.

I rub his fingers between mine and I wonder about the man lying next to me. Jonne never gave me the impression that he liked me, or was interested in me, and now, we’re sharing a bed – most innocently of course, but still. I never thought I would get close to him.

TBC

Part 5

After spending the night on Arttu’s couch, I set out for the clinic. I have no idea what the afternoon will bring since they didn’t give me any additional information on Juha. Just to be on the safe side I burrowed one of Antti’s guitars and took it along. If we have nothing to talk about, we can resort to music.

I report to the receptionist and a nurse takes me through some doors and down a corridor. I don’t see any security guards so I assume the patients here are harmless. The nurse comes to a stop and smiles at me. For one moment, it feels like she wants to flirt with me, but then she says, “I’m glad you’re spending time with Juha. It’s a pity we’re understaffed and can’t give him the attention he needs. He’s a nice guy, don’t worry,” she adds and winks at me. “You’ll like him. Everyone here does.” She points out a door to me at the end of the corridor and then turns around to walk away.

Great, now I have to go in there alone and introduce myself. I had hoped that she would do that for me. I approach the doorway and realize Juha has music on. It’s a band I don’t know and the singer is female. She’s singing in English and I can make out some words.

I keep wondering why
I'm still calling your name through my tears

That sounds rather depressing to be honest. I don’t know why, but I make as little noise as possible as I approach further.

Release me from this cross after all these years
Oh call my name and help me with this weight
Even though it comes far too late

Standing in the doorway, I cast a look inside the room. It’s ordinarily furnished. There’s a bed, a desk, a bed, and that’s about it. The room might be plain, but the person sitting in the chair isn’t. The first thing I notice is the flaming red hair, which reaches below his shoulder blades. Green eyes, fastened on the window, release tears and they drip down his chin to drop onto the black long sleeve he’s wearing. This is obviously a private moment and I doubt he wants me to see him cry.

I back up a few steps, make sure he hears my footfalls, and knock on the door to announce my visit. I look at him again and he’s quick to wipe the tears from his eyes. He is striking in his pain. Sadness surrounds him like a heavy blanket and the expression in his eyes is hooded when he raises his gaze. I’m not sure he sees me – if he really knows I’m here as he seems lost in his own world, mouthing the lyrics to the song that is playing.

In my heart I still hope you will open the door
You can purify it all, answer my call

He reaches forward, turns the volume low, and looks at me. The expression that haunts his eyes now makes me feel great sympathy for him. I don’t know what happened to him, but it’s apparent that I’m looking at a hurt soul. “I’m Ville,” I say softly, not wanting to disturb him.

He nods, seems to compose himself, and wipes his long hair back when the strands obscure his face. “They told me you’d visit.”

His voice is barely more than a whisper, but I catch the melody in it. “Can I come inside?”

“I can’t stop you,” Juha says and makes a beckoning movement with his right hand.

I step into the room and sit down on the bed. I place the guitar against the wall and offer Juha an encouraging smile. “You’re Juha. They told me your name.”

Juha nods. “What else did they tell you?”

“Nothing really… Only that you’re a musician and that they would like for us to connect, I guess.” I want to examine the room further and see a photo frame on the nightstand. I don’t want to pry and don’t ask him about it. “What instrument do you play?”

“I used to play drums, guitar, and the piano.”

Juha shifts on the chair and seems uncomfortable. I don’t blame him – I’m a stranger after all. “You *used* to play those? You don’t do that anymore?”

Juha turns his head away from me and looks out of the window again. The sun is out and it’s sending warm rays into the room. “Not anymore, no.”

Hum, that makes my job much more difficult. “Do you sing by any chance?”

“I haven’t sung for a year now and I don’t plan on singing ever again.”

That sounds rather final and Juha’s tone indicates that he doesn’t want to discuss the matter further. As I don’t want to pressure him during our first meeting, I change our subject. “Maybe I should introduce myself first. You know my name, but that’s about it.” Juha looks at me again and I congratulate myself on gaining his attention. “I have my own band, Flinch, and I’m their vocalist. I also play guitar and write songs. I have two older brothers, Jonne and Tommi.” It appears I roused his interest, as Juha’s expression seems to clear.

“Why are you here? They told me that you would visit, but not why… I don’t know you so why are you here?” Juha’s voice grows in strength, but still sounds weak.

“It’s a long story.” But telling it might break the ice. “A year ago, I did something stupid.” Juha shifts again and gives me his full attention now. Maybe this is the way to establish contact as it seems to be working. “I went out with my friends… Antti, Arttu, and Eero. We had fun, a few drinks and…” I grin at the memory. “To be honest, we were completely drunk. On our way back home, we were goofing around. Arttu pushed me in a playful manner, but I lost my balance. Your reflexes aren’t the best when you’re drunk and so I crashed into a shopping window. It was a big one and the alarm went off. As we were drunk, we didn’t think rationally and ran away. Later, once I was sober, I felt bad for what had happened and went to the police to turn myself in. I had to appear in front of the judge and was sentenced to community service.”

Juha’s eyes suddenly come alive and the expression in them is surprisingly alert. “That’s why you here – they forced you.”

“Not really,” I say and shrug. “I might have gotten out of it if I have taken on a lawyer, but it was my fault the window broke, so I wanted to make things right.” I hope he doesn’t think I don’t want to do this and that they’re forcing me. “If I hadn’t wanted to do this, I could have cleaned toilets,” I add and give him a wink.

Juha doesn’t react at first, but then he frowns. “I don’t have many visitors… Only Mikko, but he lives in Oulu and can’t visit all the time.”

“You’ve got me now,” I quip. I decide to continue my line of questioning – to stay away from personal matters and focus on things Juha wants to talk about. Music is always a safe topic. “What band are you listening to? I don’t know them.”

“Within Temptation… I like their songs…”

“They seem rather dark and gloomy to me.” I monitor his reaction closely.

“They fit my mood.”

The CD ends and silence settles onto the room and I reach for my guitar to fill the void with music. I improvise a bit and watch Juha in order to find out if he’s interested in making music. Juha closes his eyes and seems to relax. Maybe this is the right time to try again. “Why don’t you play the guitar anymore?” I don’t expect an answer, but to my surprise, Juha opens his eyes and raises his left hand a bit. I notice that there’s something wrong with the fingers. “What happened?”

“Someone broke my fingers.” Juha rests his hand in his lap and looks out of the window again.

That’s all the information I get and I accept that Juha doesn’t want to share more on the matter. I continue to play softly, but realize I have to say something too. “My brother, Jonne, got home only yesterday. I always miss him when he’s away. We’re really close… At least now we are. It wasn’t always like that. When I was young, I grew up in a home, and later, I lived with a foster family. It’s hard to stay in touch when you’re far apart.” Juha’s eyes have closed again, but I can tell he’s listening. “My oldest brother, Tommi, finally got permission for me to live with him and we moved into an apartment – the three of us. Poor Tommi – he must have despaired over Jonne and me at times.”

“It is nice to have brothers… Especially when you’re close to them.”

“Sure, it’s nice… but trust me, Tommi kicked our asses more than once – especially when I drank too much alcohol…” I don’t add anything more, wanting him to react to my words. It works. Juha looks at me and I see curiosity in his eyes. “I’ll always be an alcoholic, but I have it under control these days.”

Juha lowers his gaze, stares as his disfigured hand, opens his mouth as if to say something, but then remains quiet.

I almost got him to tell me something personal – I just know that. I don’t want to pressure him any further though: after all, we only just met. “Any requests?” I ask him as I play a few more accords. Juha however seems lost in thought and I decide to play Negative’s “About the sorrow”, as the song seems to fit the situation we’re in.

~~~

One of the nurses comes to collect Juha and that is my sign to leave. Walking down the street, I feel thoughtful. My meeting with Juha was… I can’t find a good word to describe it and settle for interesting in the end. Interesting in the way that I feel drawn to his sorrow. I want to know more about him, and if possible, help him recover. It will be a struggle though, because he will fight me. He already did.

I don’t bother dropping Antti’s guitar off before I head for home. He has many guitars and won’t notice it’s gone. I raise my head so I can catch the last rays of the sun on my face. Spring is coming to Tampere, but there’s still some snow left. It will take a few more days for the sun to melt it.

I let myself in, ride the lift up, and walk toward the front door. I open it and step into the hallway. I hear voices coming from the living room and quickly identify them as belonging to Jonne and Eero. I’m impressed that Jonne found a way to make Eero stay. Carefully, as I want to spy on them, I walk over to the doorway and peek inside. They’re playing a board game – Monopoly, and I already feel sorry for Eero. Jonne always wins when we play.

“I give up,” Eero says and puts down the dice. “I have nothing left.”

Jonne grins diabolically. “I’m afraid you’re right. You’re bankrupt…ruined! All your money belongs to me! Your hotels too, by the way.”

Jonne sounds and looks content and the sight makes me grin. I wonder if they bet who would win and what the stakes are. Jonne always make me bet.

“I won,” Jonne says cheekily, “so I can wish for something.” He leans back in the chair, crosses his arms, and studies Eero. “What do I want from you?”

I’m about to speak up and tell Jonne that Eero gives wonderful massages, but when Eero grows flustered, I stay quiet. It’s great to see them interact like that. I didn’t think Eero would open up to Jonne that quickly. As Jonne can’t seem to make up his mind, I step into the room and draw his attention by coughing. “He gives great backrubs,” I tell Jonne.

Eero turns his head toward me and waves his middle finger at me. Me? Why at me? What did I do wrong? Cheekily, I smile at Eero and pretend being innocent. “It’s true.”

Jonne immediately reacts to my remark and throws his hands in the air. “That’s it! I want a backrub!”

I didn’t think that Eero could grow more flustered, but he does. I stay clear of him, knowing he will kick or punch me if he gets the chance, and trust me, those kicks hurt.

“I’m horrible at giving massages,” Eero says, trying to get out of it. “Don’t listen to Ville.”

“I’ll trust him in this matter,” Jonne states. “But not right now… I want a backrub when I turn in for the night… It will help me sleep better.”

“But… I need to go home sometime!” Eero stares at Jonne in surprise.

“Why? Is there someone waiting for you?” Jonne inquires.

Eero gives me a pleading look, but I shake my head. I’m not going to lie for him.

“There isn’t,” Eero admits in a low voice.

“It’s decided then… You’re staying for the rest of the day… and I want a bite to eat. How about cinnamon buns? IKEA has the best!”

“I’m not driving to IKEA just to get you some fucking buns!” Eero says determinedly. “I’m not.”

“We have some in the freezer,” I say, “But they’re from Stockmann and have to do.”

“All right… I’ll have those then. Eero, can you fix two for me? And have some yourself… Ville, want some too?” Jonne asks.

“I’ll pass… I’m not in the mood for sugar.” I drop onto the couch and turn my head toward Eero. “You’d better move before he gets impatient.” Muttering beneath his breath, Eero gets to his feet and moves into the kitchen. “You’re making him work for it.”

“Not really… He lets me boss him around – there’s a difference. He doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

I nod at hearing that – Jonne is right. “Eero is a good guy… You just need to know how to handle him.”

A minute later, Eero returns, looking frustrated. “The buns are in the oven.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest and sits down in the recliner. “I won’t let you boss me around much longer,” he tells Jonne.

Jonne however smiles deceptively sweet. “We’ll see,” is all he says.

“How did things go at the clinic?” Eero says in an attempt to change the subject.

“Weird, but… in a good way.” I welcome the chance to talk about it and address Eero. “Juha’s quite interesting. He has flaming red hair and his eyes… The expression in them is one of utter sorrow.”

“Do you know what happened to the guy? Why he is a patient there?” Jonne wants to know.

“They didn’t tell me… But I know someone broke the fingers of his left hand. They’re crooked.” I raise my hand and try to mimic the way Juha’s fingers look. “It feels like he is in mourning… I can’t really explain it. It’s just a feeling.”

“And what are you supposed to do?” Jonne shifts and smiles happily at smelling the cinnamon drifting into the living room from the kitchen.

“I’m not sure myself. To draw him out of his shell, I guess. Apparently the therapist can’t.”

“Sounds better than cleaning toilets,” Eero remarks.

Nodding, I recall the way Juha looked when I left – utterly lost in his thoughts. “I hope I can help. He seems like a nice person.” Growing melancholy, I focus on Eero. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”

“Jonne won’t let me leave,” Eero says and waves an accusing finger at Jonne.

“Like you want to leave,” Jonne quips and his words make Eero blush once more.

I raise my arms, lock my fingers behind my neck, and watch them. I think I’ll stay at home tonight – watching these two will be interesting.

~~~

“I want that massage now,” Jonne announces. He’s stretched on the couch, while Eero sits in the recliner. I made myself comfortable on the floor amidst Jonne’s collection of fluffy pillows. The evening had been relaxing until now. We had eaten dinner, watched some television and just when I had felt about to nod off, Jonne starts speaking, demanding he gets his massage.

“I really suck at giving massages,” Eero says, still trying to change Jonne’s mind.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Jonne decides. He removes his shirt and carefully lies down on his stomach. “Do your best, Eero… I feel cramped and my muscles are tight.”

I move out of the way so Eero can get to the couch and occupy the recliner instead. Eero tries to elbow me in the side, but I move out of the way and grin at him. That action darkens his mood further, but he walks over to the couch and kneels next to it. “I can’t believe I’m doing this…”

I try not to laugh at Eero, but I can’t help it. I know he’s exactly where he wants to be – next to Jonne and about to touch him. I will watch for a minute and then leave them alone. Eero will calm down once it’s just the two of them.

“Oil is on the coffee table,” Jonne says and points toward a flask standing there.

Eero looks positively unhappy when he uncaps it and pours some into the palm of his hand. His gaze shifts towards me and I know what he’s trying to tell me with that look of his – I’m going to get you for this! He can try…

Eero sighs deeply, adding a touch of drama like he always does, rubs his palms until the oil has warmed and then puts his hands on Jonne’s back. Jonne purrs and winks at me. Jonne is a master of manipulation even though few people know it. “Feels good,” Jonne whispers as he closes his eyes.

That’s my cue to leave. I don’t have to see them becoming intimate – that’s where I draw the line. “I’m going to catch some sleep…” I announce and leave the room. Loud purring from Jonne accompanies my departure.

I head for my bedroom and find the bed in disarray. I’m not surprised though: I’ve never known Eero to clean up behind himself. Although that might change if Jonne asks him to do so.

I strip, slip into a comfortable T-shirt and warm jogging pants, and stretch on the bed. My thoughts return to Juha and I mentally replay my visit in my mind. He definitely made an impression on me: there’s no denying that. It’s not just the hair, the eyes, or his looks in general. It’s something else that calls out to me.

I’ll go back there tomorrow and see if I can draw him out of his shell some more. I’ll buy magazines, something sweet, and a few CD’s so he has some new music to listen to. He said that he seldom gets visitors – just this one person, Mikko, so he might be looking forward to seeing me again. He didn’t reject me like I had feared he would. Maybe he’s looking for contact on a subconscious level.

I sit up, rest my back against the wall, and pick up my guitar. Absentmindedly, I start playing. My thoughts aren’t on the music though, but I need to do something to keep my fingers busy.

Noise coming from the corridor attracts my attention and I place my guitar aside to check on it. I push the door ajar and watch Eero and Jonne make their way toward my brother’s bedroom. Jonne’s leaning heavily on Eero, and although I know that he’s in discomfort because of his ankle, he looks mighty pleased with him. What Jonne wants, Jonne gets – at least most of the time.

“Cooperate, will you?” Eero whispers and he sounds close to despair.

“But I’m trying! I can’t help it if your massage relaxed me that much that it’s hard to stay awake… And where is my bed? Aren’t we there yet?”

I close the door again and lean against it. I raise my head and smile. I doubt I need to play matchmaker again. Those two are doing a hell of a job themselves!

TBC

Part 6

“I don’t bite, remember?” Jonne pats the space next to him. “Ville’s bed is taken and the couch will wreck your back.”

“I can go home,” I suggest and am curious to find out how Jonne will react to that.

“Yes, you can…but do you want to?” Jonne yawns, pushes a hand beneath his pillow, and smiles dreamily. “My bed is warm and soft,” he adds and wiggles an eyebrow.

I sigh my surrender and want to lie down when Jonne raises an eyebrow inquisitively. “What’s up?”

“You’re going to sleep in your clothes?” Jonne had changed into a T-shirt and comfortable sweats earlier.

I look down at my clothes and shrug. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“You’ll find pajamas in my closet over there,” Jonne says and points me toward the big, white monster, which he calls his closet.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” I’m not sure I should accept.

“It’s okay…” Jonne nods and urges me on. I open the closet door and peek inside. It has every color of the rainbow regarding clothes. “Try the upper right shelf. That’s where you find the pajamas.”

I reach for that shelf and stay away from the pink ones, which I see there. I remove one in navy blue and turn around to look at Jonne. “Is this one okay?”

“You can actually have that one. I never wear it! Go on, change!”

If he’s hoping I’m going to strip, he’s mistaken! “I’ll be right back,” I tell him and move into the bathroom. Behind me, I hear Jonne protest – too bad for him.

Now that I made it into the bathroom, I decide to clean up as well. I take a quick shower, and use some of Jonne’s shampoo and shower gel, which smells of coconut. I dry my skin and hair, forego the underwear as I don’t have a spare and slip into the pajamas, which fortunately fit. I brush my teeth after finding a spare still stuck in the package and finger comb my hair. In a way, this feels weird, as I am not at home. I slip out of the bathroom, make sure Ville isn’t in sight, and step into Jonne’s bedroom. Maybe I’m lucky and Jonne is already asleep.

“Ah, there you are. You took your time!”

No luck for me then – Jonne is still very much awake. He pushes down the comforter and crooks his finger, signaling me closer. I climb onto the bed and lie down on my side, facing him.

“You smell good… You used my products.”

Jonne shifts closer and the motion makes me suck in my breath. “Jonne…” Jonne places a finger against my lips and shuts me up that way.

“Eero, it’s okay… We have time… I’m not going to rush into anything… But kissing you is nice…and holding each other during the night is even better – or not?”

My mouth goes dry. Jonne is close and his fingers move through my hair again. Yes, kissing is nice…and holding each other too, but… “I’m afraid to get hurt.” The admission is hard to make, but I need to say it. “I got hurt in the past… not just once, but often and I’m sacred you will change your mind and then I’ll…I’ll crash… I just know it.”

“I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt you,” Jonne replies thoughtfully. “Life isn’t like that. We never know what will happen next, but I can promise to be careful with you. I won’t hurt you on purpose.”

Saying yes to this still feels like a risk though. “I’ll…try to…” Jonne doesn’t let me finish and brushes my lips with his. His hand moves toward my neck, massages it gently and he deepens the kiss by slipping his tongue into my mouth. I close my eyes in bliss and surrender to the kiss. Jonne shifts against me, until he’s partly resting on top of me and releases my lips with a soft plop. I love the feel of him on me and I raise a hand, which trembles. “I...love…you,” I whisper shyly and hold my breath.

Jonne smiles and brushes the tip of my nose with his. “I like you a lot, Eero… Let’s give this time, all right?”

The caress takes my breath away, and I nod. “You have all the time you need.” Jonne rests his head against my shoulder, drapes his good leg across my thigh, and wraps an arm around my waist. I’m trapped.

“You make a great pillow,” Jonne says, drawing out the words. “I can get used to this.”

I could get used to this too – I don’t mind being trapped and being abused as a pillow. My hand, which still trembles, slips into Jonne’s hair, and massages his scalp. It relaxes me and helps me fall asleep. Maybe it will work with Jonne too.

“Nice…” Jonne purrs contently. He actually purrs a lot! His breathing evens out and he relaxes atop of me. He’s asleep then. I stroke his hair and savor the intimacy of the moment. Normally, I toss and turn for hours, but tonight I fall asleep quickly.

~~~

I wake up in the morning because the front door slams shut. I’m disorientated at first, but then Jonne’s hair moves against my nose and the movement brings back memories.

“That was Ville leaving the apartment,” Jonne whispers against my shoulder before lifting his head. “Morning.”

After moistening my lips, I mumble, “Morning,” too and smile at him. “I love…the way… you look in the morning…” I blush.

“Thank you…” Jonne lifts his head from my chest and deposits a kiss onto my lips. “You look cute too.”

“I don’t do cute,” I protest weakly.

“But you *do*,” Jonne insists. “So what are we going to do today? Do you have any appointments?”

“I was going to look for a job, but you sabotaged my attempts by making me stay.”

“You can look for a job another day,” Jonne comments as he snuggles up to me. “How about breakfast in bed?”

I can’t deny him and he knows it. “I can prepare breakfast, yes.”

“That would be great…”

Jonne’s hand suddenly travels beneath the fabric of my pajama top and I forget to breathe at the touch. “What are you doing?”

“What does it feel like?”

Jonne rests his chin on my chest. His fingertips move across my chest and draw circles around my nipples. My body’s response is instant and I grow erect. “You shouldn’t do that,” I squeeze from between my lips.

“Why? Because you like it? Maybe like it too much?” Jonne cocks his head and gives me a wicked look. “I want you to like it…”

“Jonne, I’m…” I start to pant and it’s about time that I leave the bed. It’s been a long time since I had sex and Jonne is pushing all the right buttons. Especially now that he’s rubbing my left nipple. “Jonne, don’t…” I’m not sure I will be able to stop if he continues like that.

“I’m no virgin,” Jonne says, “And I have the feeling that you have had lovers too… We both know what to expect.”

I can’t believe he said that. “No! I don’t want this to happen now – not yet… not like this…” I move away from Jonne and sit upright, breaking the close contact. “I want this to be about love… Not sex.”

Jonne elbows himself into a sitting position and his smile brightens further. “I didn’t take you for the romantic kind. You’re not after quick sex then?”

Am I really having this embarrassing conversation? I close my eyes, draw in a deep breath, and count to ten. “I’m not after a one night stand. I had some of those and… I want more… I need more…” I lower my gaze and wonder what Jonne will do next.

“Same goes for me… Sorry for…that little test… just now,” Jonne apologizes. “I wanted to know where you stood in this matter.”

I quickly raise my head and stare at Jonne. He put me to the test?

“Sorry, but I got burned in the past too… Mostly by women… So I am careful now. Forgive me?”

The look he gives me makes me feel weak. Butterflies tickle the inside of my stomach and I can’t possibly be angry with him. “I guess we both need to make sure that this is what we want and I’m not angry with you… I don’t think I can.”

Jonne chuckles. “Oh, once your crush starts to wear off you will see my faults and weaknesses. I’m far from perfect…” Jonne lifts his hand and caresses my face. “I would like another kiss though…if you’re okay with that.”

Oh, I am okay with that. I like kissing Jonne – I like it a lot. I rest my hand at Jonne’s lower back and rub the skin there through the fabric of his T-shirt. Telling myself to be bold and not shy back, I instigate a kiss and press the tip of my tongue against his teeth, hoping he will allow me inside. Jonne parts his mouth and I slowly venture inside. He feels soft and warm in my arms and I’m quickly losing control. I have to break off the kiss because I’m getting carried away. “Kissing you is…like a drug.”

Jonne caresses my face and considers my expression. “Are you clean?” he asks softly.

I expected the question. “I was addicted to heroin… I smoked it and used a lot of weed too. I spent four months in a clinic to kick my habit and I succeeded. I no longer crave those things… I must admit though that I don’t like to expose myself to situations in which I could get offered some. I’m careful… There’s always a chance that I…become an addict again…but I will do anything to prevent that…” I moisten my lips nervously. “I understand that you might think differently about me now…and if you decide to stop this… I will accept it.” That’s it – I told him. Now I have to wait.

“Eero…thanks for telling me.” Jonne moves closer and wraps an arm around me. “I went through the same thing with Chris and Larry… We weren’t lovers, but it’s not so very different when you’re best friends… Chris didn’t want to kick the habit and I had to protect myself and the band. I still see him occasionally, but I can’t be with him – as a friend. Larry is different. He’s also struggling, but he wants to beat his addiction… I know that he isn’t perfect and I support him as much as I can… I would do the same thing for you.”

I feel relieved at hearing that. “Thanks, that means a lot to me.” I’m glad he isn’t dumping me. “I’ll try hard to stay clean.”

“You managed so far… You have good chances to stay that way.” Jonne ruffles my hair and I protest softly. “But I still want to know what we’re going to do today!”

“You can’t do much with that ankle… It’s black and blue and swollen.”

“You’re right… Maybe we can jam a bit. We didn’t get to that yesterday… And cook dinner…light some candles…listen to music…”

“That sounds good.” I like Jonne’s idea.

“And maybe cuddle on the couch,” he adds.

“And maybe cuddle on the couch…”

~~~

I take my time browsing the stores. I don’t know much about Juha’s interests, so I play it safe and pick up various music magazines. Maybe he’s interested in reviews and stuff like that. Next, I head for the sweets department and decide to get him all sorts of chocolate. What else can I take along that might cheer him up? Ah, yes, CD’s. I even find an old one by Within Temptation. I don’t know if he already has it, but I buy it anyway. I add a few more albums and armed with gifts, I make my way over to the clinic.

I’m a bit early, and as it is sunny, I sit down on a bench in front of the building. I make sure the sun can’t reach the chocolates: I don’t want them to melt. I enjoy feeling the warm rays on my face and when I check the time, it’s twelve o’clock – time for me to see Juha.

I go inside, report to the receptionist, and manage to find my way without help. I head for the door to Juha’s room and listen closely – this time there is no music. Knocking on the door, which is closed, I wait for Juha’s answer. “It’s me, Ville, and I bring gifts!” There’s commotion in the room and then the door opens. Juha appears and his eyes are red. He cried.

“I’m sorry, but this isn’t a good day…”

I expect Juha to tell me to return tomorrow, but to my surprise, he steps aside to let me in. I’m tempted to ask what’s going on, but I stop myself from doing so. If Juha wants to tell me, he will. “I brought you stuff…”

Juha sits down on the bed and wipes at his eyes again. “You don’t have to do that.”

I shrug. “You should stay in touch with the outside world.” I place the magazines and CD’s on the bed next to him, and even though he looks depressed, he eyes the items with interest.

“Thanks… but you don’t have to spend money on me.”

“Hey, it’s only money and it’s fun to buy gifts. I also got you these. I hope you like them… I’m not sure you have a sweet tooth, but I couldn’t pass them by.” I hand the chocolates to Juha, who takes hold of them with his good hand.

“I like chocolate,” Juha says. His eyes were swimming a moment ago, but now the expression clears and he even manages a smile. “Can I have some now?”

“Sure, that’s why I bought them!” Smiling, I watch Juha unwrap the white chocolates. He puts two of them in his mouth and his expression brightens further. “Better than any other drug,” I say and wink at him.

Juha grows shy and averts his gaze. “Would you like some tea? I can fetch it.”

I prefer coffee, but I’m not going to tell Juha that. “Sounds good.”

Juha gets up from the bed and mouths, “I’ll be right back.” He steps into the corridor and I use his absence to study the room more closely. I lean in closer to have a better look at the framed picture on the nightstand. It shows Juha and another man. They’re holding each other and seem happy – happy in love. Does Juha have a boyfriend? If so, why didn’t he mention him? He said that only Mikko visits him and I didn’t get the impression they were lovers.

“Do you want sugar in your tea?” Juha’s back and he’s balancing a tray which holds two mugs of tea. I can tell he’s in discomfort as his features contort while moving his disfigured hand.

“No, thanks…” I accept the mug, which Juha hands me and blow onto the surface. I picked up that habit from Jonne. I’m dying to know about the other guy in the picture, but suspect Juha might close down if I do. “It’s great weather… Maybe we can go for a walk in the park instead of staying here?” Juha looks like he could use some fresh air.

Juha however shakes his head. “I don’t go outside.”

My eyes widen. “You don’t go outside? Ever?”

Juha nods. “I stay indoors… It’s dangerous out there.”

He stares into his mug and seems to drift off again. I want to prevent that from happening. “I just sat in the park and it’s quiet in there… I saw some children, but that is about it. It’s not dangerous to go for a walk there.”

“It is,” Juha nods repeatedly. “Very dangerous.”

All right – seems like we’re stuck indoors then. What can we do? “Do you like to play games? Cards or board games?”

“Not particularly.” Juha sips from his tea and stares out of the window again.

I might be mistaken, but I do believe I see a longing in his eyes – the desire to go outside. He’s scared though, and I want to know why. I will find out eventually. “What do you do all day when you’re not having therapy?”

“Not much…most of the time I watch the clouds drift by.”

That sounds depressing and boring. “We could listen to one of the CD’s and talk.”

Juha nods and inserts one of the CD’s into the player. A moment later, Uniklubi echoes through the room.

“So tell me… Do you compose yourself?” I’m curious.

“I composed in the past…” Juha shifts on the bed, rests his back against the wall and pulls the blanket up to his waist. “That seems a lifetime ago.”

I had better not ask him what made him stop… I’m starting to get the hang of this and ask instead, “What kind of music did you write?”

“Rock… with a touch of gothic, according to some.”

“Can you teach me one of your songs?” I should use the momentum now that Juha seems willing to talk to me.

“I don’t know…” Juha sighs, turns his head toward the window again, and whispers, “I envy you for being able to go outside.”

That’s an abrupt change, but I comply. “There’s no reason why you can’t go outside. If you’re scared it’s dangerous, I promise to protect you.” My words make Juha chuckle and I appear to be offended. “Hey, I was in the army until two months ago. I can kick ass if I need to!”

“You don’t look like it,” Juha whispers and smiles bashfully.

Ah, there it is – that little spark will enable me to reach him. “You can put me to the test right now. Attack me!”

“No, I had better not do that…” Juha’s mood darkens again, and his eyes take on that distant expression that I’ve seen before. He cradles his hand against his chest and starts to rock minutely.

“Juha…what happened to your hand? You said that someone broke it… Was it an accident?” I hold my breath and hope he’ll answer me – trust me.

“It wasn’t…” Juha lets his hair fall in front of his face and the rocking grows stronger. “I don’t want to talk about it…”

“That’s okay… You don’t have to.” I regret causing him anguish, but how can I help if I don’t know what happened? Someone must have hurt him on purpose! “Will your hand always stay like that or can they fix it?” I can’t see his face any longer as his mane hides his features and I have to guess at what he’s feeling.

“They’re not sure,” Juha whispers. “They might be able to fix it, but then they have to break the bones again… And I don’t want to go through the pain again.”

“Maybe it’s worth it… You would be able to play the guitar again if they’re successful.” Juha doesn’t respond verbally, but the rocking continues and I feel bad for upsetting him. “I like you,” I say, trying to distract him. It works. Juha cocks his head and I catch a flash of green in-between the red strands. “I’m serious,” I add at seeing the disbelief in those eyes. “I like you…”

“You don’t know me… How can you possibly like me?”

I smile at him. I am going to win this fight. “It’s a feeling… An instinct. I feel like I know you.” He can’t argue with me over that.

Juha bows his head and the fingers of his good hand reach for the chocolates again. “I like you too, Ville… You’re very kind…”

It’s a start – we still have a long road ahead of us, but I’m confident that I will win his trust eventually.

~~~

I tell Juha goodbye and promise to call on him tomorrow. I didn’t stay as long as I did yesterday as I want Juha to have a chance to compose himself for his next therapy session.

I head for Klubi and walk into Arttu who’s about to go inside. “Hey, wait for me!” I need to talk to someone.

Arttu turns around, waves at me, and waits for me to join him. “What are you doing here, Ville?”

“I’m on my way home, but I need something to drink.” I know I phrased it wrong the moment Arttu looks at me worriedly. “Nothing alcoholic, you fool!” I flip him on the forehead and he repays me by elbowing me. Eero must have taught him that move. “I want coffee.” We go inside, find a nice table in the back, and order our drinks. I get coffee and Arttu settles for a soft drink, as he doesn’t want to tempt me.

“So what’s going on in your life?” Arttu sips from his drink and removes his coat.

“My life is weird at the moment… Jonne is trying to seduce Eero… Eero *is* in love with Jonne, but too scared to act on it and I met an extraordinary person.”

“Oh, I smell a story…” Arttu grins and leans in closer. “Well, I’m not surprised to find out about Jonne and Eero. I saw that one coming, but who is that mysterious person you met? Male or female? Tell me, Ville!”

Arttu is curious as hell – he always was and always will be. It’s an Aatamila trait. “His name is Juha… He has long, red hair and stunning green eyes…”

“Sounds good,” Arttu says and licks his lips. “So why isn’t he here with you?”

“Do you remember me telling you about working at that clinic? That the judge sentenced me to community service?” Arttu nods and I continue, “He’s the patient I’m looking after.”

Arttu’s gaze darkens. “Do you think that’s wise? If he’s insane, then…”

“He’s not insane.” I shake my head and think everything over. “He has been hurt in the past and he hasn’t yet recovered from it. He’s afraid to go outside because it’s dangerous…which means… he hasn’t left that clinic for a year now. I wonder what happened to scare him like that.”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Arttu suggest.

“I did,” I snort. “But he shuts down the moment I get too close.”

Arttu considers everything I told him and looks me in the eye. “Ville, it sounds like this guy has huge problems and you’re not the most stable person in the world either.”

I should feel offended, but I don’t. “Like you’re sane!”

Arttu has the grace to smile. “You’re right about that, but still… I don’t want you to get entangled in something that will pull you down again.”

“It won’t… Juha won’t… He’s hurting, Arttu, and I need to find out why.”

TBC

Part 7

I don’t return home at once. After saying goodbye to Arttu, I roam the streets a bit. It’s hard to get Juha out of my head and for some reason my thoughts always return to him. Something attracts me to him and I want to find out more about him. The fact that I’m going back tomorrow – on a Saturday when I don’t have to go – should tell me just how much an impression Juha made.

It’s already four in the afternoon when I open the door to our apartment. At first, it seems deserted, but then I hear sounds coming from the living room. I put my coat on the rack, remove my shoes, and head for the doorway. Looking into the living room, I see Jonne and Eero snuggled up on the couch. I’m happy for both of them.

I know how careful Jonne is regarding picking his lovers these days. He was burned one time too often and stopped dating people he doesn’t know. Eero is a safe choice in a way. Jonne knows that Eero wants him for himself and not because he happens to be Negative’s front man. Eero in turn learned to be cautious too – not as much because his lovers disappointed him, but mostly because of the way people dumped him when he went through rehab.

Both of them know what the other one is like – which strong points and weaknesses the other person has… And who knows, maybe this will work out. “Hei,” I say, alerting them to my presence. “What are you watching?”

“Some cookery show Jonne wants to see,” Eero says in a less than enthusiastic voice. I doubt he minds very much though, as he’s still cuddled up to Jonne.

“Eero’s been a good sport and letting me pick the programs.” Jonne stretches slightly and signals me closer. I humor him and sit down in the recliner. “Where did you go this morning?”

“I wanted to do some shopping and picked up a few things for Juha.”

“That patient?” Eero asks. “Why are you doing that?”

I shrug. “I happen to like the guy.” Jonne gives me a thoughtful look and I shrug again. Jonne knows me best and probably suspects that I feel attracted to the redhead. “I’m visiting him tomorrow too.”

“You don’t have to,” Eero points out. “Tomorrow it’s Saturday.”

“I want to visit him,” I say, being as clear as I can. “I want to know more about him.”

Jonne’s hand moves into Eero’s hair and massages the scalp there. “In how bad a way is this Juha? Is he…like really disturbed?”

“I don’t think so… I don’t know his history… I have to guess.”

“What is your guess, then?” Jonne continues.

“His hand is disfigured and he said it wasn’t an accident. Someone broke his fingers on purpose.” I catch Eero shiver at hearing that – he might appear rough on the inside, but one you get to know him you realize he’s a sensitive guy. “Maybe he was in an abusive relationship and his ex is still waiting to get his revenge on him. It would explain why he’s scared to go outside.”

“How come you know he likes guys?” Eero asks.

“There’s a framed picture on the nightstand and it shows Juha and another guy holding each other closer,” I explain.

“There’s a flaw within your reasoning,” Jonne says slowly. “If this guy abused him, I doubt Juha would keep a picture of him around.”

“He might, if he’s not right in his head,” Eero tells Jonne. “Maybe he still loves him.”

“No, Jonne is right – it doesn’t add up.” I’m getting frustrated. “I really want to know what happened to him.”

“Can’t you ask a nurse? Use your charm on her?” Eero suggests.

“I’m not sure I want to do that… Such information is confidential. I’d prefer for Juha to tell me himself.” But what if he continues to lock me out? Maybe I should temper myself a bit, after all, I’ve only known Juha for two days now… It’s understandable that he doesn’t entrust me with his history yet. I stretch, yawn, and get to my feet. “I’m going to take a bath and then I’ll try to get some sleep.”

“Didn’t you get any sleep last night?”

Jonne knows that I usually never nap during the day and I hear a worried tone in his voice. I turn toward him and smile reassuringly. “Juha was on my mind last night.”

“He really made an impression on you,” Jonne says thoughtfully. “If you really want to get to know him and befriend him, then go for it.”

“Thanks, I knew I could count on you!” I wave at my older brother and then head for the bathroom.

~~~

Later that evening, after having dinner, I retreat to my room. I don’t want to disturb the two lovebirds and I need some privacy. It isn’t long before there’s a knock on my door though. “Yes,” I call out, knowing that no matter who it is, neither Jonne, nor Eero will go away until they talked to me.

“Hey, it’s me,” Eero says as he peeks inside. “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure… Where did you leave Jonne?”

“In the bathroom… He wants to take a shower… I told him to be careful.” Eero sits down on the side of the bed and continues to shift nervously.

“What’s up?” It’s obvious that Eero wants to talk and I reckon I know what about.

“It’s Jonne,” Eero says. “I don’t get it… He isn’t in love with me, but he likes to cuddle…and we also kissed.”

“With our without tongue?”

Eero gives me a horrified look. “Hey, it’s your brother we’re talking about!”

“That’s why you are here, isn’t it? To talk about Jonne? So answer the question.”

Eero averts his gaze and nods. “With.”

“Sounds like the two of you are making progress.” I understand Eero though – he has been in love with Jonne for a while and thought he stood no chance. “Jonne likes you then.”

“But…is that enough?” Eero bites on his bottom lip. “And I embarrassed myself by telling him that I love him.”

“Why did you embarrass yourself by doing that?” Sometimes I don’t get Eero and I’ve known him my entire life.

“I made myself vulnerable…” Eero raises his gaze and looks at me. “What happens when he decides he doesn’t like me after all?”

“What if he falls in love with you, Eero? Don’t be so pessimistic. Just because you’re not fucking yet…” Eero cuts me short.

“We talked about that…and we’re both not ready for that.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You talked about it?”

“Yes, when… Jonne made a pass…at me…” Eero’s blushing again. “I told him no… and then it turned out that he was merely testing me to see if I was after a one-night-stand.”

I nod. “That’s Jonne – he really did have a few fucked up girlfriends, you know.”

“Ville, what do I do? Jonne is your brother – you know him best. Should I give this a shot or…”

This time, I cut him short, “Or what? Eero, you have a chance here… Don’t throw it away. I know Jonne and you can trust me when I say that he will never play games with you. If he says that he wants to try, he really wants to do that. He isn’t the kind of person who plays games with your feelings – believe me.”

Eero sighs. “I can’t believe I would be so lucky.”

“I know that.” I move toward Eero and pull him into my arms. “Every person is entitled to some luck and happiness in his life. You too, Eero.”

“I hope so… Thanks, Ville, you are my best friend.” Eero returns the hug and then draws away from me. “Talking to you always helps.”

“Get going, Eepi,” I tell him. “Jonne will need your help shortly and you shouldn’t let him wait.”

“Actually… I think he can do more by himself than he wants me to know.”

I grin. “Of course, you dummy! That ankle is the perfect excuse to keep you around!”

“I already suspected that.” Eero gets to his feet and walks toward the doorway. “I hope you can sleep tonight.”

“Me too…” I grin. “I hope you can sleep too…or maybe you won’t mind Jonne keeping you awake.” Eero’s blush deepens and he quickly leaves the room. I sigh contently – it’s funny how easily one can embarrass Eero!

~~~

“Eero, can you give me a hand? I can’t do this on my own!”

I knew Jonne was going to do this. We agreed that we would meet in the bedroom, but now he’s calling me from within the bathroom. “I’m on my way!” I open the door and peek inside, hoping Jonne’s decent. He’s sitting on the toilet lid wearing white boxers.

“Eero, can you put some lotion on my back? My skin is so dry!” Jonne raises his arm and hands me a tube filled with body lotion. That’s why he called me? So I can do his back? I take the tube from him, put some lotion into my hand, and warm it before putting my hands on his back. I rub the lotion into his shoulders and then move lower. Jonne seems to be enjoying the attention as he is purring again. He has gained some muscle tone, I notice. He isn’t as skinny anymore as he used to be. “Do you work out?”

“I play squash whenever I can,” Jonne explains. “But that’s out of the question for now.”

The muscle tone looks good on him and I enjoy touching him like this – and damn it, he knows it.

“I can do your back too, if you want me to,” Jonne says as he looks at me from over his shoulder. “Maybe later, in bed?”

His grin warns me that he’s up to something. In a way, I feel at his mercy, though that is nonsense. I have as much say in the matter as he does. I have one disadvantage though – I’m shy.

“I’ll take your silence as a yes,” Jonne quips and then gets to his feet. “I don’t know why, but you being shy turns me on.”

Hum, what? I stare at Jonne with big eyes. I turn him on? Jonne wraps his arms around me and I react by enfolding him in mine. Feeling his bare skin beneath my fingertips is still odd, but I decide to use the moment to my advantage and caress his back. “You smell of coconut.”

“That’s the body lotion.” Jonne presses closer and slips a hand into my hair. “I really like you, Eero. You are an odd mix of emotions. One moment you’re shy and then you’re bitching away. You’re not afraid to tell me off and you haven’t deserted me yet. I’m sorry that I’ve been testing you, but I need to know what you’re really like.”

“It’s okay. I understand why you’re doing it and… I’m just being myself… You either like me, or you don’t…”

Jonne rubs my back and presses his lips against mine. His kisses are like a drug to me and I desperately want to deepen the kiss. Jonne allows it and lures my tongue into his mouth. I can’t stop myself from moaning and I rub my lower body against Jonne’s. He has no idea what he’s doing to me! “Jonne, you need to…stop,” I whisper in-between kisses.

Jonne nods. He’s slightly out of breath as well and also growing flustered. He might not be sure he loves me, but he sure as hell is attracted to me! That thought flatters me.

“We should stop this now… You’re right…though I must admit I wouldn’t mind…more,” Jonne admits in a husky voice.

“I thought…we were going to…wait?” Waiting might get difficult though should Jonne continue to rub my left buttock like that. Jonne gives me a remorseful look and removes his hand from my ass. I didn’t mind it being there, but the notion that we can’t go any further makes it seem out of place.

“A little longer, yes… But don’t ask me how long.” Jonne shivers and looks about. “Hand me that T-shirt, will you? It’s growing cold.”

I hand him the T-shirt and help him into the bedroom. Jonne sits down, I raise his injured ankle, and he makes himself comfortable. Contrary to yesterday, he isn’t wearing any sweat pants, and tonight, I will feel more skin against mine than last night.

“Why don’t you undress and slip into bed?” Jonne lifts the comforter. “I promise to keep you warm.”

Is he trying to get me into bed naked? He can forget about that. I am keeping my boxers on! I remove my sweater and step out my jeans. Behind me, Jonne whistles loudly and I flush. “Jonne!”

“Nice ass,” he says appreciatively. “Now move it into my bed.”

Jonne is going to be the death of me if he keeps up that behavior! I slip between the covers and instantly Jonne wraps an arm around me and pulls me close. Can I be so lucky that he is really falling in love with me? Would one thing in my life work out? Just once? Jonne rubs my back and the touch makes me quiver.

“I need to head into the studio tomorrow,” Jonne says. “I would rather stay at home, but renting it is expensive and I need to be there.”

“That’s fine… I need to go home at any rate.”

“And why is that?”

Jonne sounds displeased and now he’s frowning. “I have been wearing these clothes much too long! I need to change!”

Jonne chuckles. “In that case, I’ll allow you to go home.”

“You allow me to go home?” I can’t believe he said that! Jonne smiles innocently, but I’m not buying it.

“Can you blame me for wanting to keep you around?” Jonne shifts and snuggles up to me. “But I want you here for dinner… Please? And then you can spend the night here too!”

He sounds so enthusiastic that I can’t deny him. “I’ll be there… Anything special you want to eat? I can pick up something.”

“I’ll take care of it, but thanks…” Jonne rests his head against my shoulder and his hair tickles against my chest. “When my ankle no longer hampers me, we’ll go out. I know this little Chinese restaurant where they serve great food.”

That raises another question, which I didn’t dare to think about. “People will see us.”

“Let them. I don’t care… I want to show you off.”

If Jonne keeps telling me stuff like that, I might start to believe it. He’s making me blush again.

“You’re cute when you blush…and luckily for me, you do that a lot.”

Jonne’s lips seek out mine again and his hand returns to rub my buttock. I decide to stop thinking and to enjoy the moment. I know that we won’t go any further than that, and I’m okay with it. I need time to accept what’s happening in my life.

~~~

The next morning, I find Ville sitting in the kitchen nursing a cup of coffee. “Did you manage to catch some sleep?” I inquire as I pour myself some. I sit down opposite Ville and study him.

“I did… but I dreamt of Juha.”

I shake my head lightly. “That guy really got to you.”

“It’s odd. I can’t explain it either. I never met anyone like him and I know many interesting people. I feel drawn to him… It’s almost like I have known him all my life. I know it sounds odd, but it’s the way I feel.” Ville turns his head toward me and looks me in the eye. “Eepi, do you think there’s someone like Mr. Right? A person that you’re destined to be with? Someone you instantly recognize when you see him?”

“What you’re trying to say – in that poetic way of yours – is that you’re in love… I don’t actually believe in love at first sight, but maybe it happened to you.” I’m not sure I should encourage this. “Are you sure you’re not setting yourself up for major heartache?”

Ville sips more coffee and takes hold of a cinnamon bun, which he must have made earlier. “What’s life without taking risks? I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that I can’t stop now. I can’t turn away from Juha. I want to finish what I started.”

I understand him – I feel the same way about Jonne. He might hurt me in the end, but I’m willing to take the risk.

“He loved getting those gifts yesterday. He told me that I didn’t have to do that, but I love seeing that smile on his face. I might get him something today as well.”

I play along, as I like seeing him happy. “What will you get him?”

“I’m thinking about a plant.”

“A plant?” I chuckle.

“Jonne always goes on and on about how beneficial it is to have some. Don’t tell him you heard it from me, but I caught Jonne talk to his plants once. These days he’s more careful.”

“I didn’t know he loves plants.” I file that information away for later. Maybe I will get Jonne something too. A plant isn’t expensive and Jonne can’t really object to getting it as a gift.

Ville finishes his bun, empties his coffee, and stretches slowly. “I’m going for a walk… Maybe head for the lake… I need to think of a way to make Juha open up to me. I don’t want him hiding in that clinic for the rest of his life.”

“I hope you’ll find a way.” Ville raises his hand, waves at me, and leaves the kitchen. Looking about, I realize he made quite a mess in here, so I clean up. Then I get out the tray, put orange juice, coffee, and buns on it, and take it into the bedroom to serve Jonne breakfast in bed.

TBC

Part 8

I pick up a rock, notice it nice round shape, and cast it out into the lake. It skips three times and then goes under. I couldn’t have done this a week ago as the lake would have still been frozen.

I turn around and head for the road. I decided against driving up here and walked instead. It’s odd, but ever since I left the army I like to exercise a bit. It takes me almost an hour to get back into the town’s center and I head for a florist shop. I stroll through the store and wonder what to get Juha. I notice a rather small plant, clover if I am not mistaken, and pick it up. There’s a four leaf clover in there and it’s perfect for Juha. I ask the florist to wrap it up, and after paying for it, I continue my way to the clinic.

I didn’t bother come up with a way to make Juha open up, as I realized that I shouldn’t force him to do so. I have to be patient instead. Juha has to trust me first. The receptionist merely waves at me and I wave back. I don’t need anyone to show me the way to Juha’s room and whistle softly, as I move down the corridor.

It’s quiet inside Juha’s room, and for some reason, I don’t knock. I peek inside instead. Juha’s stretched on the bed, partly covered by the comforter and he cradles his disfigured hand against his chest. He looks peaceful and innocent in his sleep and I approach the bed. I end up standing next to it and I study him. There’s no more denying – I’m in love with him. I can’t recall ever falling for someone that quickly, but it happened. I’m in love with Juha.

I pull up the chair and sit down next to the bed. I place the clover on the nightstand and pick up the framed picture standing there. It’s Juha all right in that picture, although a lot younger. His hair is curly and that makes me chuckle. The other man is about Juha’s age and has long, black hair. His blue eyes possess a wicked expression, which I’ve only seen in Antti’s eyes before when he is planning a really bad stunt.

Juha shifts on the bed and I want to put the frame back in its place, but then I hear Juha draw in his breath sharply. He’s awake and opened his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I offer, “I didn’t mean to pry… But your hair looks funny in that picture.” I wonder how Juha will react to my remark.

“I made the mistake to have a perm at that time… I wanted to experiment a bit… It looked bad,” Juha whispers as he elbows himself into a sitting position.

“I don’t think it looks bad… It looks…different,” I say after searching for the right word. “How old were you at that time?”

“Seventeen.”

I realize I don’t even know his current age and as he seems willing to answer questions I try another question. “How old are you now?”

“Twenty-six.”

I blink – he doesn’t look older than twenty to me! “Then you’re older than me.” I didn’t expect that.

“It’s a lifetime ago…” Juha takes the framed picture from me, looks at it for a long moment, and puts it back on the nightstand. “What’s that?” he asks, as he notices my present for him.

“My brother is fond of plants, and since you don’t have any, I thought I should bring one along. I hope it will bring you luck.”

Juha takes hold of the plant, removes the gift-wrap, and smiles at me. “There’s a four leave clover in there.”

He’s quick to notice that! “That’s why I picked it. Don’t let it die, will you? You only need to water it once a week…”

“Thank you,” Juha says and peeks shyly at me. “You should stop bringing me gifts though.”

I shrug. “My reward is seeing you smile, Juha.” That makes him blush and unfortunately for me, he shuts up again. Okay, I have to go slow on the compliments. “It’s a beautiful day. It’s nice to feel the sun on your skin. I went up to the lake earlier and enjoyed the silence up there.” Maybe a detour will work – instead of calling him on his fear of venturing outside I opt for this course.

“It probably is,” Juha says and caresses the cloverleaves with his fingertips. “I rather stay in here though.”

“Isn’t there a balcony where we can sit? Or a courtyard? Something like that? I would like some fresh air.” I’m not giving up yet.

“I think you can go up onto the rooftop… The nurses who smoke always go there. I haven’t been there though.”

“That’s an idea! Put your shoes on, will you?” I get to my feet and wait for Juha to start moving. All he does though is to stare at me in surprise.

“You want to go there… now?”

“Yes! Juha, the sun was gone for months! Spring is finally upon us! I want to savor that feeling!” Let’s see if he will defy me.

“My shoes…” Juha looks about and appears lost. “I don’t know where they are.”

I see a pair of black sneakers beneath the bed and pull them into Juha’s view.

“Thanks,” he whispers in an awkward voice and smiles at me. He puts them on and rises from the bed.

Now that he’s standing next to me, I notice just how tall he is. “I feel like a dwarf!” At first, Juha merely looks at me in a confused way. “You’re tall!”

He chuckles and I like the sound of it. “Now lead on!”

Juha moves out of the room and I follow him. The closer we get to the lift, the more nervous he gets. “Do you really want to do this?” Juha asks as we come to a halt.

I press the button and nod. “Are you a vampire that you’re afraid of the sun?” I joke and try to make light of the situation. Juha’s growing increasingly restless and I don’t know why.

“No, no vampire.” Juha manages another tiny smile, but it fades the moment the lift door opens.

Acting on impulse, I take Juha’s hand and gently pull him into the lift. “Top floor?” I ask to make sure I’m pressing the right button. Juha nods and moves closer to the wall as if seeking shelter.

Juha’s hand turns sweaty inside mine, but I’m not letting go. “Maybe we can see the lake from up there!” I’m trying to distract him, but am not sure I’m succeeding. “I love the panoramic view from the Särkänniemi tower!”

“I’ve never been there,” Juha mumbles and I notice the strain in his voice. He’s battling some inner demon and I wish I could help.

“I can take you there one day,” I offer and see him flinch. “It’s a nice place.” We reach our destination and the door opens. I step outside, and this time I have to use more force to pull Juha along – he allows it though. I look about and follow the signs. I open the glass door and step onto the rooftop. We’re the only ones out here, but I can tell other people come here too, as there are chairs out here. “This is perfect!” I look from over my shoulder at Juha and my enthusiasm dwindles. Juha looks petrified.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I’m no therapist and have no clue how to handle this, so I improvise. Carefully I fold an arm around his shoulder and rub his neck. “Yes, we’re outside… The sun is out and there are even some clouds drifting by. We’re going to sit down for a moment and enjoy the warmth and quiet.” I lead Juha to a pair of chairs and make sure he sits down. He moves mechanically and I wonder what’s happening in that head of his.

“Care to tell me why you’re scared?” I sit down next to him and gather his hands in-between mine. I’m surprised that he allows me to touch him like that, but decide not to question my luck. Juha’s breathing, which had sped up, settles down again and he looks about. “Yes, that’s it,” I say encouragingly. “Everything’s right. We’re sitting on the rooftop and are enjoying the view.”

“I…I haven’t…” Juha blinks repeatedly and tears appear in his eyes. “I haven’t been outside for…a year…since…since it…happened.”

Juha starts to rock back and forth and I move closer to him so I can enfold him in a hug. I would love to hear what happened back then, but I know better than to ask him. Instead, I ask, “How does it feel to be outside again? To feel the sun on your skin?”

“Strange…I never…” Juha rocks faster and I tighten my hold on him. “I feel exposed…vulnerable… They can get to me out in the open… I want to go back inside!”

I can only guess at what’s happening, but it seems like he is reliving a traumatic event. I release him and place my hands on either side of his face instead. I turn his head toward me so he has to look at me. “Juha, you’re safe. No one will harm you… And if you find that hard to believe, let me tell you that I’ll keep you safe. I promise you… No one will hurt you as long as I’m around.” Juha’s eyes fill with tears and he clutches at my shirt.

“No, I don’t want you to get hurt… I don’t want you to die too!”

Surprised, I look at him. “Die? Juha, we’re sitting on the rooftop of the clinic… I’m not going to die.”

“He did… He died…he tried to defend me…”

Juha collapses against me and I wrap my arms around him. He revealed something important to me, though I find it hard to concentrate on sorting out that information. I just want to hold and comfort him. “Who is he, Juha?”

“Ahto died…he died…he’s dead…because of me…”

Juha is sobbing and I rock him in my arms. “Is he the other man in that picture?”

Juha nods against my shoulder and I tuck his head beneath my chin. “You lost him…” I was right all along – Juha’s mourning someone’s death – most probably his lover’s. “Was he your boyfriend?” There’s another nod and the weeping grows louder. I rub Juha’s back and comfort him the best I can.

“Care to tell me how it happened?” Now that Juha has told me this much, he might tell me the rest as well. “Please, I can only help if I know what hurt you so deeply.” Juha’s head remains against my shoulder and he wraps an arm around my frame – carefully and hesitant, but he *is* reaching out to me. “You can take your time… Maybe telling it will help you deal with it.”

“I’ve been trying to…deal…with it…for a year now…” Juha still sobs, but he seems to be calming down a bit. “It doesn’t work… I still miss him… I miss him so much…”

“Ahto?”

“He…was my…boyfriend…We had been together for…eight years…and we went out to celebrate… We lived in Helsinki…and decided to go to a club… We had a few drinks and…wanted to go home to…celebrate some more…”

Juha’s shaking like a leaf and I hope I’m not doing more damage by making him tell his story. “You’re safe now… Nothing bad can happen to you…” Juha nods against my shoulder and presses closer.

“That night… We were already halfway home when…we ran into…a group…of skinheads…”

Juha freezes against me and I wonder if he has forgotten to breathe. Worried, I rub his back again. “You don’t have to –“ But he cuts me short.

“No, you wanted to know… They…they…started to…call us names… then…they…pushed us… They…They…beat Ahto first as he wanted to defend me… He pulled me behind him and…they hurt him so bad!”

Juha starts to cry again and I hold him as tight as I can without hurting him. “How bad did it get?”

“They kicked him…when he was down… in the head…and neck… Ahto…lost consciousness and when he stopped moving… they turned toward me… I was in shock… I couldn’t move… couldn’t run away like Ahto had told me to… The only thing I could do was to stare at him… He was covered in blood and…his eyes had closed and…he wasn’t breathing… he wasn’t breathing…they…”

I wish I hadn’t asked Juha what happened, but it’s too late now. I have to guide him through this storm and can only hope I don’t lose him in his memories. “They killed him?”

“Yes…they didn’t realize that though…they continued to kick him…two of them cornered me…and forced me onto my knees… The guy had a crushing hold on my hand…”

I suck in my breath, realizing what is to come. “They broke your fingers?”

“He broke them one by one… He enjoyed doing that…” Juha presses his face against my shoulder and lets his hair fall in front of his face. “They…threatened me…told me they were going to rape me… I didn’t pay them much attention though… I could only think of Ahto…lying there…dead…”

“I’m so sorry,” I offer, although I know that words can’t offer comfort in a moment like this.

“I don’t think they wanted to rape me… They simply enjoyed terrifying me…and then they started to beat and kick me… One of them had a nightstick and…he smashed it across my back…several times… I lost consciousness…”

“Juha… I’m so sorry…” I rock along with him and palm the back of his head in my hand. “I didn’t know…”

“I woke up at the hospital… I was in a bad way… I had several broken bones, a concussion…a broken hand… and… I had lost Ahto…lost Ahto…”

I wish Juha would stop tormenting himself by telling me his story. I shouldn’t have asked him what had happened and I blame myself for the emotional state he’s now in. “I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry it happened…”

“I…didn’t want to live anymore when I remembered that Ahto was dead… The doctors were doing their best to help me heal…but I didn’t want to heal… I wanted to die…What use is being alive without him?”

I bury my nose in Juha’s hair and rub his back in soothing circles. “Ahto would be thrilled to know you are alive… He wouldn’t want you to die…” Juha bursts out into sobs again and I curse myself for my words. They obviously aren’t what Juha needs to hear.

“I refused to eat or drink…they force fed me… In my despair I…cut my wrists, but they found me before…before…”

I draw in a deep breath, count to ten, and pull away from Juha. I take hold of his hands and push the sleeves away from his wrists. I see scars there – Juha really tried to kill himself.

“Once I was released from that hospital…they put me in here… They try to help me, but…it’s hard… I don’t want to live now that Ahto is dead…”

“That’s survivor’s guilt,” I whisper into his ear. “But Juha, you’re alive… Ahto would want you to recover and to live again… You can bury yourself here at the clinic and pretend you’re dead, but you’re not. Your heart still beats and blood flows through your veins. You’re alive, Juha. You survived and you owe it to Ahto to live your life to the fullest – for him and for yourself.” I hope my words won’t cause another emotional breakdown because Juha’s already exhausted. “Think about it, Juha. You have to live your life for the both of you. It’s the best way to keep Ahto’s memory alive.”

Juha shakes his head. ”No, it’s not.”

He doesn’t sound convinced. “Juha, if you had died and Ahto had survived, would you have wanted him to waste away like you’re wasting away? Would you want him to bury himself alive and mourn your death for the rest of his life? Or would you want him to recuperate and live again?”

“I…don’t know…”

“Oh, you do know! You’re merely afraid to admit it to yourself… That’s okay… You can do it one step at a time.” Juha raises his gaze and looks at me. His eyes are still full of tears, but there’s something else as well – something that wasn’t there before: doubt. He’s doubting his decision to lock himself away for the rest of his life. Good, I want him to think about his situation! I raise my arm and use the fabric of my shirt to wipe away his tears. “Hey, do you feel different now?”

“Yes, I feel…different…” Juha continues to stare at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. “I can’t believe I told you…”

He’s much calmer now and I smile reassuringly. “It needed out on some level… Don’t you discuss this with your therapist?”

“I never told him what happened – not like that…” Juha’s gaze turns inward like he’s debating something. Looking me in the eye again, he says, “My feelings scare me… I feel so many things right now…and I don’t know what to make of them.”

The burden is gone – most of it – I see it in his eyes. Telling me freed him. The pain of losing Ahto will always stay with him, but it’s no longer crippling him. “You have time to find out what they mean.” I guide his head back against my shoulder. “Let’s enjoy the warmth, shall we? Who knows how long the sunlight will last… We should enjoy every second of it.”

Juha relaxes me and rests his crippled hand in my lap. I reach for it and carefully fold my fingers around it. “I’m here for you,” I whisper into his ear. “I’ll hold you and won’t let you fall… I promise.”

~~~

We ride the lift down to the floor Juha’s room’s on and a nurse appears, looking worried. “Where did you go?” she asks and looks at Juha in concern.

“Up to the rooftop to catch the sunlight,” I tell her. “Juha should rest… He’s tired.” Juha leans heavily against me. Telling me took a lot out of him. The nurse accompanies us and waits at the doorway while I get Juha into bed. I cover him with the comforter, stroke his hair, and place a chaste kiss onto his brow. “I’ll drop by tomorrow.”

His eyes open and look at me tiredly. “You don’t have to – it’s Sunday tomorrow.”

“I’ll be there… Now rest.” I stroke his hair one more time and then turn around. I would have loved to stay, but shouldn’t. Juha needs rest.

“A word before you leave,” the nurse says. “Juha looks like he cried.”

“He did… He told me what happened to Ahto.”

She looks at me with something akin to respect in her eyes. “He told you that? We’ve been trying to make him open up for eight months now and he refused to talk so far.”

“He told me – I don’t know why.” I draw in a deep breath. “His therapist should know about it.”

“I’ll tell him,” the nurse says and looks at me in a conspiring way. “Juha must like you…and you seem to do him good… Are you visiting again tomorrow?”

“Yes, I want to know how he is doing. I worry about him.” I probably won’t get much sleep tonight.

“If you can, try to make him go outside again. There’s a little café opposite the clinic’s entrance… It would be a huge leap forward if Juha would go there…”

“I’m not sure I should try that… He’s already upset.”

“You can’t stop now that you’re making progress! Please try!”

“I’ll try, but I won’t force him,” I tell her. “And now I’m leaving.” I need some rest myself.

~~~

I check out the café the nurse mentioned and order coffee. I don’t want to go home yet, where Jonne and Eero will want to know what happened. I need a moment to sort out my thoughts.

My God… Juha watched those skinheads kill his boyfriend and then they turned on him. It’s a miracle he’s still alive after what he went through. One of the things that worries me is that he tried to take his life by slicing his wrists. It’s survivor’s guilt of course, but… Fuck… how much can a person take?

My hand shakes minutely when I raise the coffee cup. I sip and quickly put it down again. At least, now I understand why Juha is scared to go outside – why he locks himself up. I wish I knew why Juha decided to open up to me instead of his therapist or the nurse. Why me?

“Ville? I didn’t expect you here!”

I raise my gaze and smile at Tommi, whose voice I instantly recognized. “Hey, Tommi, sit down and have some coffee.”

Tommi orders coffee for himself, removes his coat, and sits down opposite me. “You looked worried… So I had to investigate.”

I love Tommi – I really do. Jonne and he are the best big brothers I could wish for. I didn’t always think like that, especially when they made me go through rehab and then join the army, but looking back at it, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. “I was thinking about a friend – someone who I recently met. He is going through a rough time. He witnessed some skinheads kick his boyfriend to death.”

Tommi’s face takes on a serious expression. “Sounds bad.”

I nod.