Title: True Colors
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings: Jonne/Japa, Eero/Arttu, Tommi/Juha,
Ville/Pasi
Rating: NC-17
Summary: While Arttu recovers from
his accident, things happen in Jonne’s life.
Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright
infringement is intended.
All mistakes are mine.
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Part 1
I feel nervous – when I talked to
Pasi on the phone an hour ago, he sounded like he always does, but something
has changed, at least for me. We had sex the other night. I didn’t plan it: not
really. In a way, it just happened, although I did scheme a little.
I come to a halt on the pavement and
don’t move. I stand in front of the Dog’s Home, where Pasi said I could meet
him, but I’m scared to go inside. I don’t know how to act around him and I’ll
probably do something utterly stupid. I draw in a deep breath and count to ten.
A therapist once told me that I should do that when I’m nervous. I don’t think
it helps, but it’s something concrete in a changing world.
I reach for the door, push it ajar,
and carefully look inside. At first sight, I don’t see Pasi anywhere, but when
I look closer, I catch him sitting in the back. He isn’t alone though. My heart
misses a beat and my mouth goes dry. I’ve seen the other guy about: his name is
Teemu if I’m not mistaken. I can’t see much of his face because a waterfall of
long dreads hide his features. I’m hesitant to approach, as they’re talking.
I’m still trying to make up my mind
when Teemu gets to his feet. My heart misses another beat when he bends down to
embrace Pasi, who returns the hug. I catch the quick kiss which Pasi places
onto Teemu’s cheek and my stomach starts to act up. Was I played again? It
wouldn’t be the first time that someone took advantage of me.
“Ville! I’m over here!” Pasi has
caught sight of me and waves at me.
I consider turning my back on him and
leave, but then Teemu passes me by and smiles warmly at me. A moment later,
he’s out of the door and I can no longer ask him what’s going on.
“Ville?”
Pasi called my name again, but I
still don’t feel like moving. I have the nauseating feeling that I’ve fallen
into another trap. In the end, I tell myself to get moving. Either I face Pasi
and get it over with, or I walk out of that door and never talk to him again.
My feet make my decision for me and carry me to the back of the pub, right over
to Pasi’s table.
“Ville, is something wrong? You don’t
look well.”
The next thing I know is Pasi taking
hold of my arm and pulling me onto the couch next to him. I let him – I’m too taken
aback to stop him.
“Ville? Are you all right? Come on,
talk to me…”
Pasi sounds worried and I release the
breath I had been holding – for whatever reason. “I don’t feel well,” I manage
eventually. I feel lost, played, and to some extent, angry.
“Here, drink something…That might
help.”
Pasi curls my fingers around the mug
standing in front of him. It’s half empty and I eye it suspiciously. “I don’t
drink alcohol.” I’m sorely tempted, but I’m not giving in because Pasi isn’t
the boyfriend material I had hoped he might be.
“It’s tea,” Pasi says softly. “Herbal
tea, and it might taste funny, but there’s no alcohol in it…”
I don’t want to drink it and push his
hands away. “I don’t want it – leave me alone.”
Pasi puts the mug back onto the table
and frowns. “Ville?” He cocks his head and tries to make eye contact, but as
I’m still angry, I turn my head away from him. “What’s going on? Why are you
angry?”
“Why?” Suddenly my anger explodes and
I know that I should restrain myself. I should keep my big mouth shut and leave
the place before I worsen the situation. “You fucked me the other night and now
you’re kissing someone else? How would that make you feel?” I glare at him, and
am about to jump up and storm out of the pub, when Pasi moves closer and runs
his thumb along my cheek. The caress fuels my anger and I move away from him.
“Stop it!”
“Ville, that was Teemu… He’s Jussi’s youngest brother, remember? His girlfriend dumped
him yesterday and he needed someone to talk to. As Jussi and Janne are out of
town, he sought me out. We’re like brothers… I’ve known Teemu for most of his
life… He’s a good friend – and nothing more than that.”
Pasi’s eyes radiate warmth as he
looks at me. I blink and don’t know what to make of his words. “Why did you
kiss him then?”
“Why do you kiss Jonne? Or Arttu? Or
Eero? Or Jay?”
I blush at the mention of Jay’s name:
I had hoped everyone had forgotten about that. “That was in the heat of the
moment. Flinch supported Negative and Jonne called us back onto the stage at
the end of their gig… Jay was close… It didn’t mean anything.”
“And me kissing Teemu doesn’t mean
anything either… Don’t read anything in to
it that isn’t there… Please…”
Pasi’s calm expression registers with
me and I realize that he’s being honest. Instantly I feel ashamed of my
accusing reaction. “Sorry,” I offer in a tiny voice. “My mistake…” But it had
looked like Pasi had gotten himself a new boyfriend! Not that I ever was his
boyfriend to begin with, but still – I had hopes.
Pasi pushes his mug towards me and
gives me a hopeful look. “Try it.”
I sigh, curl my fingers around the
mug, and sip. It tastes gross and I quickly push it away again. “How can you
drink that?”
“I happen to like herbal teas,” Pasi
says and smiles. “Now, let’s talk about the really important things, as that’s
why we’re here.”
The sinking sensation in the pit of
my stomach is back and I feel nauseous again. Please don’t tell me he took me
home because he wanted to prove something to his friends – or because I made it
too damn easy for him to fuck me – or even worse, because he planned on winning
a bet – please don’t. “Give it to me straight…” Pasi frowns again and a puzzled
look appears in his eyes, but then his features turn grim.
“I’m not Christus – give me some
credit…”
That simple comment makes me lower my
gaze. I stare at the mug in front of me and don’t dare look at Pasi again. This
is hard on me for several reasons: Pasi knows a lot about me and has the power
to reduce me to nothing with a single remark – as he just proved.
Pasi sighs and shakes his head.
“Sorry, I said that all wrong…”
Pasi’s hand seeks out mine and he
pulls it into his lap. I have no idea what to make of that move, but resist
peeking at him.
“You weren’t part of a bet, Ville. I
would never do that to you.”
I swallow convulsively – I don’t want
to be having this conversation. “Forget about it.”
“You never really worked through
that, did you?”
Pasi’s thumb caresses the palm of my
hand, and the unexpected, but craved, caress makes me look at him. He looks
guilty and gives me a pleading look. “What Christus did was cruel, but I was
stupid enough to believe him. It was my fault to begin with, Pasi. I was stupid
enough to think that Christus was seriously interested in me! I should have
known better!”
Back then, I’d had a crush on
Christus: Jonne had just broken up with him. Christus was single again, and
when he had told me he liked me and wanted to be with me, I had said yes – way
too eagerly though. For some time I had told myself that I’d had sex with him
because I had been too drunk to deny him. But that hadn’t been true: I had
wanted him from the start and when Jonne had dumped him… I had only thought of
being loved… Of having Christus to myself. So I had allowed him to drag me to
his bed – which had been a dirty mattress in a neglected house without any
electricity or working plumbing. I had let him fuck me and I’d loved it… Until
the next morning…
The next morning, Macceus had been
there, and Christus had been yelling that Macceus should pay up. He had won the
bet, hadn’t he? He had fucked Jonne’s little brother! He had earned those fifty
euro. I had been so stupid…
I had cried, had gathered my clothes,
and had run home where I had promptly run into Tommi. I hadn’t dared tell him
what had happened and he had drawn his own conclusions – telling me I was
irresponsible and that he’d had enough. I would be leaving for the army in two
days. I had reached a point where I simply didn’t care anymore and just let
Tommi take me to the train station two days later.
“Ville, hey, what’s happening in that
head of yours? You look like you’re about to burst out into tears.”
Pasi sounds worried and hearing his
voice makes me focus on the present. “Sorry, but…your comment took me back to…”
Pasi nods and I’m relieved that I don’t need to spell it out to him. He knows
what Christus did to me, because he caught him bragging about it one night. I
don’t know what happened between them, but after that, Christus always kept his
distance and he stopped giving me that smug look. My God, I hope Jonne will
never find out – I would never be able to look him in the eye again.
“Maybe this isn’t the best place to
discuss such private matters,” Pasi ponders. “Maybe we should go to my place?”
He looks toward me for an answer –
I’m not sure though. We spent the night at his place and it might be odd to be
back there.
“Ville? You know me – you’re safe
with me…”
Pasi’s right – he isn’t like Christus
– and I nod. “Okay, let’s go there…” I hate the way my voice shakes, as it reveals
the emotional turmoil I’m in. Pasi puts money on the table to pay for his drink
and slips into his coat. He slides off the couch, gets to his feet, and extends
his arm toward me. I stare at his hand, and then take it into mine, allowing
him to pull me to my feet.
Pasi studies me, and then releases my
hand, which I quickly shove into a pocket. I don’t feel at ease around him and
need to talk to him first. I need to know where we stand.
~~~
“Give me your coat, will you?”
Pasi stands in the hallway, waiting
for me to hand my coat to him. I’ve been standing there for some minutes,
trying to make up my mind – why am I here? I should have walked away when I had
the chance instead of facing him. “I’m keeping it on.”
Pasi bites onto his bottom lip, but
then relaxes and sighs. “If that makes you feel better… Let’s go into the
kitchen and I’ll make coffee, as you don’t like tea.”
I stubbornly refuse to make eye
contact and enter the kitchen. I slide onto the chair furthest away from the
kitchen counter and cross my arms in front of my chest defensively. Pasi busies
himself with the coffee maker, and once the coffee is ready, he pours it into a
mug, to which he then adds sugar and milk. He places it in front of me and
tries to catch my gaze again. I refuse to look at him though and pull the
coffee closer instead.
“Ville, tell me what you’re thinking.
I can’t read your thoughts, although I suspect I know what’s going on in your
head I want you to hear you say it.”
I glare at him. “Tell me then! What
do you think is going on?”
“You feel insecure – you’re feeling
hurt. I’m not quite sure why, and that’s why you need to talk. Is it about what
happened the other night?”
I continue to glare at him, but in
the end, I wonder why I blame Pasi for what happened. It was my fault – not
his. I focus on calming down, and once I feel more in control, I shrug. “I owe
you an apology.”
Pasi blinks in surprise. “And why’s
that?”
I’ve never seen him looking that
lost. “I made you drunk that evening… I fed you drinks and…”
Pasi quickly and resolutely shakes
his head. “I had four beers, Ville. Do you really think that makes me drunk?”
His hand sneaks across the table and
he keeps it there, palm open, turned up, waiting and probably hoping for me to
put my hand in his. I won’t do that though. “Pasi, we both know that you would
have never let me into your bed if you hadn’t been drunk! It’s all my fault!”
“That night wasn’t a mistake,” Pasi
says firmly. “I wanted it too.”
Stunned, I stare at him in shock.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me. I wanted you too.”
Pasi smiles and nods. “I wanted you too,” he repeats.
“For one night – yes…” I feel
miserable all over again, although I don’t know why. My feelings are taking me
on a rollercoaster ride and I have no idea why it’s happening. Pasi moves
closer and resolutely claims my right hand. He closes his fingers over mine and
cocks his head until I feel guilty about avoiding him. So I draw in a deep
breath and answer his gaze. “Pasi, where do we stand? Are we still friends? Or
should I stay clear of you? I don’t know what to make of this.”
Pasi takes his time answering me, and
when he remains quiet, I grow even more worried. This can’t be good.
“Ville,” Pasi says in a remarkably
tender voice, “I should have known you would make this into something
complicated.” I raise an eyebrow at him and want to lash out, but Pasi shakes
his head. “Don’t – you made this into something it isn’t. And now I want you to
listen closely, because I’m going to explain this to you and you can trust me
to tell the truth, okay?”
I have no idea what’s coming next,
but I nod. I don’t know what to say anyway.
“Ville, I wasn’t drunk that evening –
so stop telling yourself that. I knew what I was doing and what I was saying
yes to. Are you with me so far?”
I nod again, although I’m not sure
where Pasi is taking this.
“Okay…” Pasi smiles and then says, “I
took you to my place because I wanted your company. I took you to my bed
because you’re handsome, loving, and kind. I made love to you because I wanted
to know you in that way. I called you this morning because I worried about you.
Why did you leave first thing in the morning when I was still asleep? You
should have woken me – You shouldn’t have left like that – like a thief in the
night. I didn’t give you anything I wasn’t willing to give.”
I swallow nervously. “I did that on
purpose…” I admit in a heavy voice. “I didn’t want to see your expression when
you realized what had happened.”
“And what did happen?” Pasi asks
patiently.
“I don’t get it,” I explode. “How can
you want me? You fucked me because you were drunk – why would you do it
otherwise?”
“Oh, Ville…” Pasi moves closer and
carefully puts an arm around me. “I do hope that I didn’t just merely fuck you…
It was my intention to make love to you…”
Pasi’s words render me speechless. I
blink, stare at him, and try to say something, but for some reason, my lips
don’t move. Make love to me? What the hell is he talking about?
“If you hadn’t left like that, you
would have woken up in my arms and I wouldn’t have let you go easily. Ville, I
don’t want this to be just a one-night-stand. I’m not that kind of guy. I had
hoped it would be the beginning of something…steady…”
I can’t stop staring at Pasi. Steady?
What the hell…?
“I should probably have dated you
before making love to you, but… The night was perfect and so were you.”
I can’t believe the things I’m hearing.
I’m not perfect, and certainly not after the stunt I pulled – or thought I had
pulled. “Pasi, I have a hard time believing that.”
Pasi nods and his expression changes
– he might even understand what I’m talking about. “After what happened with
Christus… I find it hard to believe that anyone… Let alone someone who knows
what happened back then, would want me…”
“I get that,” Pasi replies calmly. “If
I had known about Christus’ plans back then, I would have stopped him… But I
can’t change the past – however, right now, I can tell you that I like you and
that I don’t want it to end in this way.”
“What do you want then?” I’m very
much aware of the fact that Pasi still holds my hand and caresses my fingers.
The touch feels odd, but in a good way.
“As I said before, I want to date
you… We shouldn’t have gone straight to having sex, but I can’t change that
either… I’m happy though that it happened – or else we wouldn’t be having this
conversation.”
“Okay, so let me get this straight…
You want to be with *me*. You know what you’re getting into?”
“I have a good idea, yes…” Pasi
raises his other arm and caresses my face with his fingertips. “Ville, you like
me, don’t you? I can’t believe you would have made love with me if there
weren’t any feelings involved.”
I grow flustered and nibble on my
bottom lip. Do I tell him that I’ve liked him for quite some time?
“Ville? Am I right about that? You
*do* like me, don’t you?”
I nod slowly. “I do…”
“Ville, we’re fine… Please don’t
think you’re in trouble…” Pasi places a finger beneath my chin and raises my
head that way: I have no choice but to look at him. “I guess mere words don’t
work with you,” Pasi whispers and smiles again. “I need a different way to
convince you that I mean it.”
What’s he talking about? I’m getting
worried and want to take action, but then Pasi leans in closer and presses his
lips onto mine. The kiss is unexpected and I’m stunned that he would kiss me.
My eyes widen in response and I stare into his. I read once that the eyes are
the mirrors of the soul, and if that’s the case, Pasi’s soul shines bright and
beautiful. I see no lies in them – just an inviting warmth. A warning flashes
in the back of my mind and startles me – what if he’s playing me? But then
again, what would he win? And besides that, Pasi isn’t the kind of guy who
manipulates people – he isn’t, I’m sure of that.
“Pasi…” I whisper his name after he
breaks off the kiss. “Everything happens so suddenly – and unexpected…I had
hoped it would turn out to be more than a one-night-stand, but I didn’t really
believe it. You need to understand…” Fuck, I can’t believe I’m going to tell
him this. “Deep down, I’m terribly insecure… I don’t trust people – expect for
my brothers that is – and maybe Arttu. I’ve let people down in the past and I
have a habit of fucking up things. Being on my own is a way to make sure no one
gets hurt. I’m scared that I will screw this up too, so maybe it’s best not to
get started.” I don’t know if any of my rambling makes sense, but that’s the
way I feel.
“I know where you’re coming from.”
Pasi nods, keeps his arm in place around me, and rests his brow against mine.
“I know that you got hurt many times, and I’m the last person who wants to
contribute to that. I’m honest when I tell you that I have feelings for you…
It’s not some ploy to get you into my bed. I won’t turn on you and make fun of
you. Please don’t let Christus ruin this.”
That’s easier said than done.
“Christus’ past actions contribute to my reaction, yes, but I’m scared of
hurting you mostly…” And Pasi is the last person I want to hurt. I curse myself
for having let my needs get the better of me the other night. What the hell was
I thinking when I had sex with Pasi? Why did I complicate our lives like that?
“Ville, why don’t you think
everything over in your own time? You look like you’re about to panic and
pressuring you is the last thing on my mind.” Pasi backs away, but continues to
hold onto my hand. “Did you eat yet?”
The sudden change in conversation
makes me blink again. “What?”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m
hungry… How about an early lunch?”
Why is he talking about lunch all of
a sudden?
“Ville, do you want to have lunch
with me and spend time together? Get to know each other? I would like that…”
Pasi looks at me with such a hopeful
look in his blue eyes that I find that I can’t deny him: I nod involuntarily.
The next moment however, I regret giving in. What the hell is wrong with me?
Why are my emotions all over the place? Why am I overreacting like this?
“I’ll make sandwiches and you’re not
drinking any more coffee…”
I stare at Pasi in surprise. “Why
not?”
“Because you don’t need any caffeine
when you’re already like this…” Pasi opens the fridge, removes the milk, and
pours it into a glass. “You had better drink that instead.”
“Milk?” Why does someone like Pasi
have milk at home in the first place?
“You’re cute when you’re confused…”
Pasi’s comment causes me to grow
flustered again. Fuck… I should never have listened to Eero – he’s to blame for
the situation I’m in! If only I knew how to act around Pasi! I know how to
handle anger, depression, solitude, or frustration, but I don’t know how to be
around someone who loves me in that way. I’m really fucked up, there’s no doubt
about it!
TBC
Part 2
Suddenly I find myself alone with
Jack. Eero dragged Antti off into Arttu’s bedroom to reunite the brothers, and
although I’m okay with that, I wished Eero had stayed behind. I pretend
disinterest, but from the corner of my eye, I see Jack collapse onto the couch.
His eyes widen suddenly and a frown appears on his face.
When I wake up, it’s dark already.
The music stopped playing a long time ago and I stretch – feeling rather
annoyed that I slept that long. I switch on the light, grab my phone, and check
the time. Damn, it’s six PM already. I slept almost eight hours! I got a
message in the meantime and I access it: Ville sent it and I grow curious.
*Will be at home around nine this
evening… Can I talk to you then?*
I answer at once and tell him that
I’ll be waiting for him. Of course we can talk! I put the phone aside, yawn and
stretch, and slide off the bed. I rub my face, trying to rid myself of the last
remnants of sleep, and tell myself to focus.
I get to my feet, leave the bedroom,
and switch on the light in the hallway and kitchen. I need coffee if I want to
survive tonight – especially if Ville needs to talk to me. I ready the coffee
maker and wait for it to start working. When it does, I turn around and squeeze
my eyes – why is there a leather jacket on the floor in the corridor?
Fuck, I forgot about Jack! Urged into
action, I head for Eero’s bedroom and knock. “Jack?” Is he still asleep or did
he wake up already? He must have… How else did that jacket end up in the
corridor? I wait for another minute, but as there’s no reply, I push the door
open further. Jack must have woken up at some time, because he rid himself of
his jacket and boots, which lay next to the bed.
I cringe at seeing the gigantic stain
on the pillowcase and comforter. Jack’s makeup is all over the place. It’s
everywhere, including all over his face. I find myself smiling at the sight and
approach the bed. Jack’s a few years younger than me, not much, but I do feel a
little protective of him right now. What should I do? Wake him or let him
sleep?
Jack stirs and the decision is made
for me when he opens his eyes. He tries to hide his face in the pillow and it’s
getting smeared with more makeup. I guess I’ll be doing laundry shortly. “Hey,
you might want to wake up…”
Jack opens one eye, looks at me, and
appears to consider my suggestion. “Why?”
The questions amuses me. “Because I
fell asleep too and now it’s six PM all of a sudden.”
“Good thing I don’t need to be
anywhere right now…” Jack turns onto his back, stretches, and then sits up. He
looks about, catches sight of the mess he made, and gives me an apologetic
look. “Sorry about that… It always happens when I forget to remove my makeup.”
“I’ll put it in the laundry – don’t
worry about it…”
“Thanks!” Jack gets to his feet and
looks about. “Ah yeah, right… I’m staying with you…”
He’s what? I gave him a bed because
he needed to sleep, but I can’t remember inviting him to stay! “Don’t you need
to go home?” Having Jack stay with me is a bad idea.
“Tomorrow… Or maybe the day after
that… I don’t have any plans right now…”
Jack walks up to me and comes to a
stop in front of me. “Do I smell coffee?”
“Yeah, I made some…” Now that he’s
close I stare at the mess on his face and shake my head at seeing it.
“Ah, it’s that bad? Do you mind me
cleaning up?”
Jack caught on fast, I must give him
that. “Bathroom is the second door on your right.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll find it…” Jack
marches out of the room and I shake my head at his actions. What am I supposed
to do about him staying here? I can’t kick him out –well, technically I can,
but I’m not like that. I focus on the mess he made of the bed and decide to put
on clean bed linen. That way, I’m busy and might forget about the problems Jack
presents.
I finish changing the bed linen too
quickly: Jack’s still on my mind. I
carry the dirtied fabric into the kitchen where I put it in the laundry basket.
“Do I look better now?”
I turn around to look at Jack and
swallow hard. Oh yes, now that the makeup is gone, he looks better. He looks
young, handsome, and attractive. I quickly look away again and point at the
kitchen table. “If you sit down I’ll get you some coffee.” Jack sits down and I
don’t need to look at him to know he’s staring at me – I can literally feel his
eyes on me.
“Is there a chance of getting
something to eat too? I’m not picky, everything goes.”
That doesn’t really help. I open the
cupboards and wonder what to get Jack.
“A peanut butter sandwich would be
great,” Jack says – maybe he picked up on my confusion.
“I’ve got peanut butter.” I remove it
from the shelves, get out the bread and butter, and am about to make Jack his
sandwich when he takes hold of the knife and starts doing so himself.
“There’s nothing wrong with my hands
– I can make a sandwich myself.”
By saying that, he draws my attention
to his hands. I noticed them before, and for some reason, I find them extremely
sexy. I never had a hand fetish before, but Jack’s fingers… I’ve got to stop
staring before I start blushing, or even worse, get hard. Jack starts to eat
and his gaze drifts off to the window.
“Is it dark already? Fuck!”
The fact that the darkness distresses
Jack makes me wonder why. Then I recall something Antti had said – that Jack
didn’t want to drive during the night and that they would wait for first light.
“Is that a problem?”
“It is because I had planned on
driving home today…” Jack munches on his sandwich, but remains preoccupied.
“Now I can’t get home…”
“And why is that? They don’t close
off the highway during the night.” I sip from my coffee and consider making a
sandwich myself, but I dismiss the idea as I’m not hungry.
“No, they don’t…” Jack has finished
his sandwich, but he’s still worried. “Jonne, can I ask for another favor?”
I arch an eyebrow and wonder what he
wants from me. “Depends on the favor.”
“Can I stay the night as well?”
Okay, I should have seen that one
coming, but I didn’t. “You can, if you tell me why you don’t want to drive
through the night.” Jack sighs, shrugs, and then retrieves his shoulder bag
from the hallway. He reaches inside and uncovers a pair of glasses set in a
thick, black frame. Okay, so he wears glasses – big deal!
“I suffer from something called Nyctalopia…” Jack says hesitantly while putting on his
glasses.
“You suffer
from what?” I never heard the word before, but then again, I’m no doctor, so
how am I supposed to know what he’s talking about? Hum, Jack looks different
with glasses on, but I like it – it gives him character.
“Night
blindness,” Jack explains, having mercy on me. “I don’t see well in the dark –
actually when it’s really dark, I don’t see a thing… Then even the glasses are
useless.”
I nod – I
reckon that explains why Jack doesn’t want to drive in the dark. “Sounds like a
nuisance…”
“Well, I’ve
had it since birth so I know how to deal with it.” Jack shrugs. “I don’t drive
during the night and I keep my glasses ready just in case… I don’t like wearing
them and most of the times, I don’t need them…”
When Jack
gives me an oddly intimate look, I realize that he told me something very
private. I get the impression that not many people know about this. “You can
stay the night…” I can’t possibly tell him to leave – maybe it’s because I
don’t want him to leave in the first place. “Thanks for telling me.” Jack’s
suddenly all smiles and seeing him like that makes me chuckle. “For what it’s
worth, I think the glasses make you look sophisticated.” A faint blush settles
onto Jack’s face and it makes him even more attractive.
“Christus
never uses words like that,” Jack says all of sudden.
The change
in topic strikes me as odd and I suspect he’s doing it on purpose because he
wants to talk about Christus. I decide to let him, but I tell myself to be on
my guard. “I would have been surprised if he did.” Jack moves some strands of
hair away from his face and peeks at me. “How’s he doing?” I have the feeling
he’s waiting for me to ask him that.
“Christus
is doing great,” Jacks says enthusiastically. “His life changed big time after
he left Tampere.”
Judging by
Jack’s eager tone, I reckon he wants to discuss Christus’ life in detail. I’m
not sure I want to hear it though.
“He has a
girlfriend these days…”
I grow
tense and wonder why Jack’s telling me this. “That’s good to hear,” I force
myself to say. I look everywhere except at Jack as I don’t want him to see the
emotions I’m going through.
“Her name
is Anna and she’s a kindergarten teacher…”
“That
doesn’t sound like his usual type,” I can’t help remark.
“Oh, his
type changed… She isn’t blond, but a brunette… Doesn’t look like a vamp with
big tits… She’s rather small, and although she’s got curves…” Jack gives me a
lopsided grin.
I’m still
not sure why Jack’s telling me this. “I’m happy he found someone.”
“Last week
she dragged him with her to work… They had ‘music day’ at the kindergarten and
Christus spend six hours trying to teach those kids to play the guitar. They
were more interested in the congos and he complained
about a headache when he called me that evening!”
I don’t say
anything anymore – I just let him talk. It’s good to hear that Christus
straightened out his life: it’s too bad though that he failed to do so when we
were still together. Apparently this “Anna” managed to do what I couldn’t, and
fuck, I feel jealous because of that!
“He’s back
to being a blond these days, but thankfully it’s not the hideous combination of
pink, red, and blond he had a year ago…”
“Can we
stop talking about Christus now?” I’ve heard enough – it’s obvious that
Christus no longer needs me. He actually got better after leaving Tampere and
more importantly – me.
“Sure… I thought
you would like to know he’s doing fine.” Jack frowns and seems confused. “You
were lovers once and…”
“That’s
enough… I’m not discussing this anymore.” I glare at Jack and give him a choice
– either he shuts up about Christus or he can walk out of the door and get
himself a hotel room.
“I’m
sorry…” Jack’s frown deepens. “I didn’t know that you’re still hurting because
of…him.”
I sigh
deeply. I just told Jack that I no longer wanted to discuss Christus and now
he’s addressing my emotional state. “Jack, I’m happy that Christus is doing
better, but I’m still angry with him, so discussing him is a bad idea.
Furthermore, my feelings are personal and I’m not going to discuss those
either!” Jack is right though – I still hurt because of Christus.
“Okay, I
get it… Let’s change the subject…” Jack gives me a long and pondering look.
“What are we going to do tonight?”
I feel
relieved: for one moment I was worried he was going to address something
personal again. “I don’t have any plans… Ville sent a message earlier and he’ll
be here after dinner.”
“So we’re
staying at home?”
I roll my
eyes. “What else would you do? Go out for dinner and have groupies stalk you?”
“Actually,
that sounds quite interesting!” Jack winks at me. “I liked that peanut butter
sandwich, but to be honest, I’m still hungry.”
“You can
make yourself another sandwich.” I’m alert though – Jack’s up to something.
“Let me buy
you dinner! You’re putting me up for the night and treating you to dinner is
the least I can do!”
I give Jack
a quick look, but his smile seems genuine. “I need to be back at nine though… I
don’t want to keep Ville waiting.” Why am I agreeing to going out for dinner
with Jack? I was ready to bite his head off five minutes ago! The truth is that
I like him and want to spend time with him… I’m only human after all; even I
want company.
“I’ll take
care of everything! We’ll have dinner and I’ll make sure that you’re home in
time, Cinderella.”
I roll my
eyes again – damn, I’ve been doing that a lot since I took Jack home. “I’m not
Cinderella!”
“We’ll see
about that… Come on, you need to change your clothes and I need to apply my
makeup!” Jack jumps to his feet and extends his arm toward me.
I look at
his hand, but don’t take it. “And what’s wrong with the clothes I’m wearing?”
I’m wearing jeans and a white sweater, which seems perfectly okay with me!
“We’re
going out for dinner, Jonne! Dress up! Look sexy! Wear that funky black leather
jacket you keep hidden in your closet! Use some eyeliner, eye shadow! I don’t
care – just get moving!” Jack has come alive and moves restlessly.
I take a
step away from him, just to be on the safe side. “Do I want to know where
you’re taking me?”
“You don’t
need to know! Don’t worry though – the food’s excellent and I’m going to pay
for it! Let’s have fun!”
I suppress
my urge to roll my eyes again – I thought Antti was high maintenance, but I
have the feeling that Jack might exhaust me too. “I’ll change, but only if you
tone it down…”
“Tone down
what?” Jack asks in a suspicious voice.
“The
makeup… I’m not having dinner with Alice Cooper in pink!” Let’s see how he
reacts to that!
“My makeup
is just fine!”
Jack stares
at me defiantly and I glare right back at him. “That’s the deal – I will dress
up, but you will tone it down.”
“I want you
to look sexy though…” Jack says and smiles all of a sudden. “You’ll wear the
leather jacket and something with holes in it – either a T-shirt or the pants.”
“No pink
eye shadow and a minimum amount of Kohl! If I judge it too much, you’ll get rid
of it!” What the hell am I doing and why can’t I stop it? It’s like a car crash
about to happen and I can’t stop it!
“Deal!
We’ve got a deal! Now get going!”
Suddenly,
I’m alone again. Jack sprinted off into the bathroom, dragging his shoulder bag
with him. He’s probably already working on his makeup, which means I need to
change my outfit. So Jack wants sexy? For one moment, I’m tempted to give him
exactly what he wants – I can do sexy – but the question is, should I?
TBC
Part 3
“You
haven’t moved yet! Why?” Jack returns to the kitchen where I’m enjoying some
orange juice.
“I’m not
going to make an effort dressing up when you might not prove presentable,” I
tell my nemesis. Jack looks good though – I have to give him that. He only used
thin eye liner and it makes his eyes stand out even more. The glasses are gone
and I’m curious if he’ll put them back on once we’re outside. “Do you need to
wear that hat though?” It obscures part of his face and messes up his hair.
“You didn’t
say anything about me having to style my hair!” Jack lectures me.
“Sit down
and let me have a look.” If I’m to have dinner with him, I want him to look his
best as he will be sitting opposite me all evening. Jack complies, but I catch
the rebellious expression in his eyes. I remove his hat and cringe. “It’s a
mess…” When did he comb his hair for the last time? “You should stop wearing
it…” I retrieve a brush, a comb, gel, and hair spray from the bathroom and put
everything on the kitchen table. Against all odds, Jack lets me work on his
hair, and when I’m done he looks presentable – I think. “I’ll let you take me
out to dinner looking like that.”
Jack cocks
his head, grins at me, and then nods. “Okay, now you need to uphold your end of
the bargain. I want you to look sexy… If you don’t, I’ll pick out the clothes
you’re going to wear, so do you best – or worst…”
I move
until I stand in front of him and study Jack. “Why sexy?” That question has
been on my mind ever since Jack mentioned it.
“Because
you look rather dull right now… And the one evening we’re spending together I
want my date to be good-looking!”
“Your
date?” I blink in surprise, Jack however merely grins, and nods. “Move it,
Cinderella.”
I hate it
when he calls me that – why does he do that to begin with? I turn around and
head for my room, where I open the closet. Sexy? Jack wants me to look sexy…
Looking at the clothes that are up in front of my closet I realize none of them
are suitable. Sexy… It’s been a long time since anyone wanted me to look sexy.
“Having
problems finding an outfit?” Jack leans against the doorway and looks at me.
Without
realizing it, I blurt out the truth. “It’s been a while since anyone wanted me
to look sexy…” I realize what I just said and grow angry with myself! “That
came out wrong,” I say quickly, trying to cover up my embarrassment.
Jack moves
closer and comes to a halt next to me. “Maybe I can help?”
I don’t
think I should accept his offer – who knows what I will end up looking like!
“How about
these…?” Jack removes a pair of black pants from the bottom shelf and presents
them to me.
I remember
wearing them, but it’s been years. “They’re okay,” I give in, actually relieved
that he didn’t go for anything more revealing.
“All you
need now is a simple, basic, black T-shirt and your leather coat to go atop of
it… Oh, and no army boots – nothing white, and nothing with wings on them.”
Again, I
roll my eyes. “Those shoes are cool! The wings are cool!” Jack then does a
great imitation of me rolling my eyes and I burst out laughing. “Stop it.”
“Just wear
these…”
I didn’t
know I still had those – a pair of black sneakers with no distracting
ornaments. “All right, get out then so I can change.” Jack nods, turns around,
and leaves the room. So this is Jack’s idea of sexy? I’m immensely relieved…
~~~
I feel
surprisingly comfortable in the outfit Jack’s chosen. Just to make sure I’m
‘presentable’ as well, I used a small amount of makeup and styled my hair. “Is
this okay?” I ask upon stepping into the kitchen where Jack’s playing around
with his mobile phone. He looks me up and down and then nods. Apparently I
passed his test. “We should get going… It’s almost seven and I want to be back
at nine.”
Jack gets
to his feet, slips into his coat, and hands me the phone. I frown and then
stare at him in surprise, realizing it’s my phone he had gotten his hands on.
“What did you do with it?” I ask and narrow my eyes suspiciously.
“I added my
number to it… So, next time you’re in Helsinki, give me a call and I’ll return
the favor – You can always stay at my place.”
I’m not
sure what to make of that, but I let it slide. “So where are we going?” I’m
hungry, but also wary.
“Let me
surprise you!”
“That’s
what I’m afraid of.” I didn’t want to let it slip; it just happened though.
“Have a
little faith in me!”
Jack heads
for the doorway, opens the door, and gestures for me to pass. I grab my
shoulder bag and step into the corridor. I have a bad feeling, which I can’t
seem to shake and I wonder in how trouble I am exactly.
~~~
“Jack, no,
we can’t go in there…” I shake my head resolutely. “The Rooster has good food,
I’ll give you that, but it’s also the newest meeting ground for fans.” I don’t
want them staring at me all evening – I want privacy.
“Hey, you’re
a rock star! Enjoy the status! Just think about all those girls –and boys – who
want you and can’t have you! You can make them happy by giving them a smile, or
having your picture taken with them!”
I stare at
Jack in surprise. “You might like that kind of thing, but I don’t. It’s
annoying when they watch your every move.”
“Stop
whining…”
Jack grabs
my wrist and pulls me along. I consider resisting him, but we’re in public and
I don’t want to create a scene. “Jack, this is a bad idea.”
“This is a
great idea.”
Jack
continues to pull me along, and much too quickly do we reach the entrance.
Luckily, it’s too cold for people to sit on the terrace so there isn’t that
much of a crowd. Jack opens the door and waves at the bartender, who waves back
at him. I’m surprised Jack knows these people.
Jack looks
about and points out a table in the back. “How about that one? Nice and private,
and look, only a few fans about! Perfect!”
Only a few…
About ten pairs of eyes follow my every move and I already want out. Jack
ignores my apparent unease and pulls me along to the table he picked.
“You sit
there… That way, you don’t see your groupies… I’ll keep an eye on them for
you,” Jack says smugly and smiles at them.
I expect
him to start waving and inviting them over, but instead he reaches for the
menu. I’m actually relieved that my back’s toward them – that way I feel a bit
more at ease.
“What do
you guys want to drink? And of course it’s on the house,” the waiter says and
shakes hands with Jack. “It’s been too long! You need to drop by more often!”
“And make
sure the fans keep spending their money here?” Jack quips, at which the waiter
chuckles.
I feel like
I ended up in the wrong kind of movie and wonder if there’s a chance of me
waking up from this nightmare.
“Of
course!” The waiter chuckles. “What do you guys want to eat this evening?”
I’m
relieved that he doesn’t address me. I’ve seen him about town and he knows who
I am.
“Give me a
beer and the rocker burger!” Jack hands the waiter the menu and then looks at
me. “And what would you like? Except for beer of course?”
“I’m not
having beer… I don’t drink alcohol.” It’s not the entire truth – I do drink
some, but only at home and never in public – certainly not with Jack about who
would get me into a compromising situation for sure. “I’m having a diet coke
and the chickless love.”
“Good
choices! I will get your drinks first…” The waiter collects our menus and
leaves.
When I look
at Jack again, I find his eyes narrowed and focused on me. “What?”
“Since when
did you stop drinking alcohol? I remember your early days when you drank
everything that had alcohol in it! You were especially fond of Russian vodka!”
“That
happened a long time ago.” The waiter returns, puts our drinks onto the table,
and leaves again. “I’ve changed since then.”
“I guess
so,” Jack says thoughtfully. “We never had a chance to become friends – with
you living here and me in Helsinki. I sometimes regret that.”
Something
about Jack’s comment alerts me, but I can’t put my finger on it. “I don’t drink
often… When I do, it’s always at home and mostly for bad reasons… So I try to
limit the temptations.”
Jack nods
slowly. “Christus told me about your parents, and it’s no secret that Ville has
problems too…”
I curse
Tommi for talking Ville and me into giving that television interview some time
ago. I never wanted to go public with our problems, but Tommi thought it would
bring us good publicity. As a result everyone knows what a dysfunctional family
we were back then.
“So what were
your reasons for drinking then?” Jack prods.
“I’m not going
to discuss them with you…” Not with fans sitting that close to us.
“Maybe
another time then.”
I’m
relieved that Jack doesn’t pressure me: I wouldn’t have told him anyways.
“So how
about you… Do you have a new girlfriend? Or boyfriend?”
Hum, maybe
I should reconsider and discuss my issues related to alcohol after all, as I
like this new topic even less. I remain quiet instead – maybe that will tell
Jack that I don’t want to talk about that either.
“I’m single
again,” Jack says eventually – maybe the silence’s getting to him. “Rakel and I separated a year ago and it’s hard being on my
own. I didn’t think it would be – but damn, I get lonely at times!” He shrugs
and smiles in a sad way.
Ah yes,
someone told me about them splitting up. I think it was Antti. “I’m sorry it
didn’t work out,” I offer.
“People
change…” Jack shrugs again. “We had grown apart… That happens… We’re still
friends, but the special feeling that got us together is gone.” Jack takes a
swig of his beer. “It could have ended worse… At least we didn’t fight.”
I run a
finger along the rim of my glass, wondering if I should share my thoughts with
Jack. I don’t want to hurt his feelings though. “Please don’t take this the
wrong way, but I always thought you were interested in Christus.” To my
surprise, Jack starts to laugh – rather loudly at that.
“Christus?
No…he’s a good friend, but nothing more. I never thought of him as a potential
boyfriend – he’s too chaotic for me.”
“That’s
honest.” I wonder if Christus knows how Jack feels about him.
“It came up
once,” Jack admits. “We were drunk and smoking pot as well, and we looked at
each other, thought about it, and then laughed until we ran out of breath. That
was it.”
I’m going
to regret asking my next question, but I want to know. “So what guy would you
consider boyfriend material? What are you looking for?” I sure hope I’m not
being too obvious about it.
Suddenly
the waiter’s back and puts our food in front of us – that guy’s timing
definitely sucks. Jack waits until he’s left and then looks at me.
“My type,
you mean? My type might actually surprise you.” He selects a fry and puts it
into his mouth.
“I’m
curious,” I admit.
“Okay, why
not… He should have a good sense of humor… I want to have fun in life… But
there should be a serious side to him as well. There’s time for fun and there’s
time to deal with life… Solid… stable… I like a firm relationship…”
That
doesn’t tell me a lot – damn Jack, and I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose.
Out of frustration, I dig into my pasta, which tastes good, but it’s not the
thing I crave right now. In order to distract me, I check the time on my cell
phone. It’s eight – so I have an hour left. “I take it you’re heading home
tomorrow?”
“Interesting
change of subject,” Jack remarks and bites into his hamburger.
“I just
want to know if you’re having breakfast in the morning,” I lie. The truth is
that Jack confuses me.
“I would
love to have coffee before I leave…” Jack puts down his hamburger and uses the
black napkin to clean up his mouth. “Jonne, I’m trying to befriend you –
nothing more, nothing less.”
I didn’t
expect him to say something like that and feel guilty for thinking badly of
him. “It’s the setting – part of it… I don’t feel comfortable discussing
private matters in public.”
“I understand
that…but what’s the other reason you’re
keeping me at a distance?”
“Talking
about Christus – it puts me off…”
“I’ll
remember that…” Jack sips from his beer and continues to eat.
He eats a
lot, and now that he’s occupied, I feel more confident and study him. Jack
isn’t skinny like most of my friends. He isn’t fat either, but he does carry
some extra weight. I actually like that on a guy – Christus was always so damn
skinny, especially when his drugs habits were at their worst. It felt like
cuddling up to a bag of bones.
“Don’t you
like the pasta? You barely touched it.”
Jack’s been
watching me in turn then. I pick up my fork and eat some more. “It’s okay…” I’m
not that interested in the food – I’m interested in Jack.
“Too bad
you need to be at home at nine…”
“Why, would
you have wanted to stay here that long?” I still feel eyes upon me, but I try
to ignore them. I’d rather be at home than here!
Jack finishes his burger, pushes his
plate away from him, and finishes his beer. “Will you be talking to Ville all
evening?”
“I don’t know yet…” Why is Jack
asking me that?
“Maybe, after you talked to Ville,
you will spend more time with me?”
I wonder what’s going on. Rationally,
I realize that Jack’s trying to close the distance between us, but I don’t
understand why. He’ll go home tomorrow and we won’t see each other for weeks,
maybe even months. “Sure, why not?”
“Maybe you’d like to hear some
melodies I’ve been working on? I’m thinking about doing my own thing and
realizing a digital album. I doubt there’ll be another Private Line album, as
Sammy and the other guys are doing their own thing, but I want to make music.”
I grow curious. “How do you earn your
money these days? I doubt you get much royalties…”
“I’m back to being a DJ, and when
things get really tight, I help out at Tavastia… I get by, but it’s tight at
times.”
“Hey, as long as your make your money
the honest way there’s no reason to be ashamed of it.” At hearing that, Jack
nods. I check the time again and find it’s half past eight. It’s time to head
home – at least for me. “We should get going. I’ll pay the bill…”
“You don’t need to. It’s always on
the house when I eat here. I’ve this deal with Lauri… He gets free drinks at Tavastia and I get
free food whenever I’m here.” Jack slides off the couch and gets to his feet.
“I ate too much…”
I laugh at seeing him sticking out
his abdomen. “You’re doing that on purpose.”
“Caught!”
We ignore the curious looks the fans
give us and head for the exit. The waiter waves at us and has a smile on his
face. He’s going to make sure that every au pair and groupie knows Jack and I
ate here tonight. Jack suddenly stops walking and remains right where he is.
“We need to go home,” I remind him.
“It’s dark out here…” Jack puts on
his glasses, but I have the feeling they don’t help much. “I need a moment to
get used to it.”
I recall what he told me about being
night blind and hook my arm with his. Jack looks up in surprise, but then a
smile forms on his face.
“Thanks, that helps… It would be
embarrassing if I crashed into a lantern or something else made of metal – I
can tell you from prior experience that it hurts.”
“We don’t want you getting bruised,
do we?” I think back to Arttu and remind myself to call Eero before I go to
bed.
“No, we don’t…”
My breath catches when Jack moves
closer than necessary. Slowly he frees his arm from mine and wraps it around my
waist instead.
“Walking is easier like this,” he
comments.
It is? Since when exactly? I consider
moving his arm away from me, but then realize I would overreact if I did. I
refuse to curl my arm around him in turn though. Jack notices my silent
resistance and removes his arm again. Instead, he reaches for my hand and takes
it into his. Great, now I’m totally confused!
“You don’t trust easily…” Jack says
unexpectedly. “You’re alert all the time.. You’re tense… Why?”
“I don’t answer questions like that…”
I’m not getting into personal matters again. Discussing them with Jack only
confuses me. “Let’s say that past experiences taught me to be cautious.”
“Christus did…”
I remove my hand from Jack’s hold and
increase the distance between us. Why did he have to bring up Christus again?
“I’m sorry he hurt you like that… You
didn’t deserve that. You’re a good person, Jonne.”
It’s the tone which Jack uses when
saying it that makes me look at him. People use words they don’t mean all the
time, but I have the feeling that Jack isn’t one of them. “Thanks…”
“I mean it – you’re a good person –
unfortunately you fell in love with the wrong guy…”
I don’t comment on that. Jack’s
probably right, but I don’t want to open up this wound any further – it already
hurts like hell. “Shit happens – we both know that.” Jack has a guilty
expression in his eyes and I realize that I’m responsible for putting it there.
“Sorry… I know I’m a bitch at times.” In order to make up for my behavior, I
wrap an arm around his shoulder. “It still hurts…” I offer as an explanation
and it must do.
“I know what you mean… but Jonne,
maybe the right person will come along and you won’t notice because you’re
still hurting…”
I bite onto my bottom lip. “Jack… I
doubt I’ll ever get completely over Christus… and while a part of me hopes that
someone new will come along, another part refuses to even consider it… Am I
making any sense?”
“You have to heal, Jonne. You need to
find a way to heal this hurt…”
In my heart I know that Jack’s right
– especially after finding out that Christus has moved on and found himself a
new girlfriend. Any absurd hopes I might have had about getting back together with
a new and improved Christus must be put to rest. But the question is – how do I
do that?
TBC
Part 4
“Do you mind me burrowing one of your
guitars?”
I turn my head toward Jack and find
that he’s brought my favorite acoustic guitar with him. “I don’t mind,” I
assure him. “She has a great sound –
you’ll enjoy playing it.”
“Thanks… Is it okay for me to hog the
living room? Or do you want to have your conversation with Ville there?”
“We always end up in the kitchen. So
feel free to hog the living room.” Jack moves further into the kitchen, looks
at the fridge, back to me, and I nod. Is he still hungry? But no, he opens the
fridge and removes a beer bottle from it. “Don’t get your hopes up,” I tease
him, “It’s alcohol-free beer.”
“Fuck…” Jack’s features contort and
it seems like he wants to put it back into the fridge, but then he uncaps it
and takes it along with him.
The whole action made me smile,
although I’m not sure why. A moment later, I pick up on the front door opening;
it looks like Ville has arrived, and wow, he’s actually being punctual.
“Jonne?” Ville pokes his head around
the corner and smiles at seeing me seated at the kitchen table. “If you’re
here, who’s playing the guitar in the living room?”
Ville moves into the kitchen and sits
down next to me. I study his eyes and find them clear and curious – he looks
happy and that reassures me that things turned out well with his mysterious
one-night-stand. Recalling Ville’s question, I reply, “That’s Jack.”
“Jack?” Ville frowns. “I only know one
Jack – Japa?”
“Yeah, it’s him… He drove Antti back
home and for some reason, he ended up staying with me. But we’re not here to
discuss Jack… How did your conversation go?” I do hope he’ll tell me about his
one-night-stand – especially the guy’s name. Even though Eero assured me that
the guy in question has good credentials, I want to check them myself.
“Better than I thought,” Ville says.
He turns shy and merely peeks at me instead of looking me in the eyes. “I’ve
had a crush on him for some time, but I didn’t think I stood a chance.”
I nod and hope he’ll continue.
“It turned out that he likes me back
and that he feels the same way – he doesn’t want it to be just a
one-night-stand either.”
“Ville, are you going to tell me his
name? You know what I’m like! I need to know!” I hope he’ll take pity on me.
“It’s Pasi…” Ville lowers his gaze
and then peeks at me in an uncertain way.
“Pasi?” I stare at my younger brother
in surprise. “Pasi? Did I get that right?”
“Yes, you did… We left together after
Uniklubi finished their gig… He was a little drunk – at least I thought so, but
it turns out that he was still rather sober.”
I need a moment to process this.
Ville’s dating Pasi? “But… he’s not your type!”
“Maybe my type changed… Jonne, Pasi’s
a great guy…”
“Of course he is! I like him too, but
I’d thought you would want someone younger…someone like Arttu – age and
character wise.”
“No thanks!” Ville chuckles. “I think
I prefer someone older and more mature…Pasi is like that… He doesn’t confuse
me… He’s calm and orientated. He knows what he wants out of life… He doesn’t do
drugs, has no interest in sleeping around, and… He’s perfect, Jonne.”
I’m starting to understand what’s
going on. Ville found someone whom he wants to settle down with. My younger brother
is ready to be in a steady relationship. The time for wild parties, drinking
all night, and smashing windows when drunk is over. In that case, I agree with
Eero and Pasi might be a good choice for Ville. “Is that where you’ve been all
day? At his place?” I did wonder about Ville disappearing.
“I needed to talk to him and Pasi
felt the same way,” Ville replies. “We met up at the Dog’s Home, but we wanted
privacy and we went to his place. We talked…” Ville’s eyes take on a distant
expression. “We realized that we wanted the same thing – a relationship. How
funny is that? And do you know what the weird thing is? I have a hard time
accepting that he wants to be with *me* all of a people.”
I know where Ville’s insecurities
stem from and am not surprised to hear this. “Times change, Ville… People
change – and so did you. I hope you realize that.”
Ville nods. “I’ve changed, you’re
right about that, but it’s still hard – believing that people want to be around
me…”
I take hold of my brother’s hand and
hold it. “So what did the two of you decide?” As I had hoped, my question pulls
Ville away from his troubled thoughts. He focuses on me and smiles.
“We’re going to try… I spent most of
the day at his place… We talked, and once we were done, he got out his guitar
and we composed music. It was odd: I didn’t feel the need to talk… Just being
close to him, making music, and looking at him made me feel content – and I
have the feeling that the same goes for him. He seemed happy to have me close.”
I nod and move my chair closer to
him. “Looks like you have a boyfriend too now.”
“Yeah, that’s a weird thought, don’t
you think? Me? I reckoned I would be the last out of the four of us to find
someone as I’m the most fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up… Just a little
confused because things happened so quickly. Ville, you should get to know Pasi
better before you…”
“Have sex again?” Ville finishes with
a lopsided grin on his face. “We realized that too, but in a way, I’m glad it
happened. At least, now I know how much he cares for me…”
That’s Ville’s way of saying, let’s
discuss something else, and I should oblige him, otherwise he will either start
to close down or feel shy. “Are you staying for the night or are you heading
back to Pasi’s apartment?”
“I’m staying… I need to think
everything over…” Ville’s gaze suddenly becomes more focused and I wonder what
has happened. “It’s your turn now – how did Jack end up here?”
I shrug. “It’s a long and complicated
story.”
“That’s your way of saying – I don’t
want to tell you, but that’s okay…” Ville winks at me. “I’m surprised that
you’re okay with him staying here – You’re not the kind of guy who invites
people over.”
“He needed a place to sleep… And now
that Antti’s back, his apartment would have been too crowded, so I offered him
Eero’s bed and he took it.” Hum, how did Ville get me to open up?
“But that was yesterday… Why didn’t
he go back home today?”
“We fell asleep and didn’t wake until
the evening… Apparently he suffers from something called night blindness and
has trouble seeing properly in the dark… So I offered him to stay the night…”
“Very odd…” Ville squeezes his eyes
half shut.
“Don’t read too much into it,” I warn
Ville, as I don’t want him to probe deeper.
“Maybe I am…maybe I’m not…”
“Hey, I don’t want to interrupt
anything, but can I get another beer? I’m thirsty.”
Jack stands in the doorway and looks
rather hesitant to enter. I understand that he doesn’t want to intrude, but I
reckon Ville and I finished our little talk. “Get your own from the fridge,” I
say, inviting him in. Jack’s face lights up with a smile as he heads for the
fridge.
“Too bad you don’t have any real
beer!” He retrieves another one from the fridge, uncaps it, and then turns
around. “Hello, Ville! It’s been a while since I last saw you. You changed, by
the way… And if you ask me, for the better!” He lifts the bottle and drinks
again. “Are you two finished talking?”
I arch an eyebrow at Jack and wonder
what’s gotten into him. “Yes, we’re done, but…”
“That’s great!” Jack interrupts. “Then
you can help me with my songs! I’ll fetch another guitar and I’ll wait for you
in the living room.”
And suddenly, Jack’s gone again.
Ville gives me an inquisitive look, but all I do is shrug. “Don’t ask – I don’t
know what’s wrong with him. During dinner, he acted odd too.”
“Dinner? The two of you had dinner?”
Ville looks around. “The kitchen is spotless though.”
“We went to the Rooster,” I explain
and know this is not the end of yet – Ville will want to know more.
“You went out for dinner? Jack actually
talked you into doing that? I’m impressed!” Ville leans back, hooks his hands
behind his neck, and grins. “How did he do that?”
“We made a deal…” As I don’t want to
discuss this with my brother, I get to my feet. I’m feeling confused to begin
with and trying to explain matters to Ville will only worsen things. “I’d
better go before he returns and drags me off into the living room.” I expect
Ville to stop me, but he doesn’t – he merely grins his dirtiest smile. I
practically flee the kitchen and pause in the corridor. I draw in a deep breath
and release it again before stepping into the living room.
Jack sits on the floor. His eyes are
closed and I wonder if he knows I’m here. I walk over to him, sit down, and
listen to the melodies he’s playing. Jack suddenly opens his eyes, smiles, and
says, “Do you like the sound of it?”
“It’s interesting,” I admit and take
hold of the other guitar. “Let’s see what we can do with it.” I had never
expected my evening to end like this – sitting on the floor of my living room
and composing songs with Jack, but it’s a good way to end the day… Very
relaxing, and the best thing about it is Jack’s presence – who’s smiling at me
and nodding encouragingly.
When was the last time I felt like
this? When I fell in love with Christus? That happened years ago and I’m not
sure I felt like this back then. This feels different. I feel calm when I look
at Jack and not stressed or overly excited like I did with Christus back then.
I look up from playing when Ville
enters the living room. He brings a mug of coffee with him and the flavor fills
up the room. “You shouldn’t drink that – You won’t be able to sleep because of
it,” I say in my best ‘big brother’ voice.
“I doubt I’ll get much sleep to begin
with. There’s too much going on in my mind.”
Pasi, without any doubt. I put my
guitar aside and realize that Jack has stopped playing too. He gives me a
puzzled look, but now that Ville has joined us, I don’t want to continue
playing.
“I guess this is my cue to say
goodnight and go to bed?” Jack says and cocks his head in Ville’s direction.
“No, you don’t need to leave because
of me!” Ville says surprisingly quickly. “You can stay…”
Jack however seems unconvinced. “Hey,
I don’t have any problems with leaving. I should get some sleep, otherwise I’ll
be too tired to drive home in the morning. I can’t stay, you know, as your
brother is kicking me out!”
“I never said I would kick you out!”
I feel insulted – I merely asked when he was leaving… I didn’t tell him he had
to go away!
Jack grins and his teeth show. “Does
that mean you would put up with me for a few more days?”
Huh, what happened just now? I stare
at Jack and mentally rewind his question. He wants to stay?
“Look at his face, Ville! That’s what
I call a shocked expression!”
Jack laughs loudly and I feel Ville’s
eyes upon me. This is bad. “I’m not shocked – only surprised…” I bite onto my
bottom lip and then add, although reluctantly, “You can stay as long as you
want – or until Eero wants his bed back.”
“It’s nice of you to offer,” Jack
says and rests his hand on my knee. “But I do need to go home tomorrow. I’m
working this weekend.”
I stare at his hand – what the hell
is it doing there? Jack squeezes my knee and then removes it: and I can breathe
again.
“What kind of work do you do?” Ville
asks, obviously interested in hearing more about it.
“I work at Tavastia during the
weekend… Helping out and bartending… Long nights, but I make good money doing
it,” Jack explains. He gets up from the floor, walks over to the couch, and
sits down next to Ville. “Private Line is dead and I don’t think I can
resuscitate the band so I need to earn money in a different way.”
Suddenly I feel rather lonely,
sitting on the floor by myself, so I slide onto a recliner which stands
opposite the couch. My phone starts to vibrate and I quickly uncover it. “It’s
Eero,” I tell Ville at feeling his eyes upon me. “Antti’s behaving, Arttu’s
asleep, and he’s trying his best to study.” Damn, I wanted to call Eero this
evening and I forgot all about it!
“So let me get this straight… Eero is
your youngest brother and he’s dating Arttu? That’s what Antti told me,” Jack
says.
“That’s right,” I reply. “We didn’t
find out until a year ago…”
“Okay, let’s move on… How about you,
Ville? Do you have a lover?”
I blink: why is Jack asking Ville
that?
Ville slowly nods… “Since this
morning actually.”
“Wow…” Jack grins. “Do I know the
guy?”
“It’s Pasi…”
Jack whistles and nods: it looks like
the answer pleases him. “Fine guitar player, even better human being – great
choice…” Jack’s grin deepens. “And how about Tommi? Still single? Who would
want him? He’s grumpy all the time!”
“Actually,” Ville says, “Tommi hooked
up with Juha, who’s from Oulu… Tommi’s off the market as well.”
I know that Jack is up to something –
why else would he follow that particular line of questioning? He’s after some
sort of information!
“That only leaves you, Jonne…or are
you in a relationship too?”
The smile Jack gives me is the
sweetest I have ever seen, but at the same time, it’s also deceiving. He’s
setting me up all right. “And why would you want to know that?” Ville suddenly
pokes me in the side and rather harshly at that. “What?” I lash out at him.
“Play nice. Jack’s our guest!”
Fuck, I know that expression in
Ville’s eyes. Ville’s going to back up Jack, but why?
“Jonne’s available – the only
Liimatainen left whom you could date,” Ville remarks, and at hearing that, I
push my elbow into his side, even harder than he did to me. Ville’s expression
changes and he hisses, “Watch it!”
“Why did you tell him that? That’s
private,” I hiss back.
“Oh, excuse me! Since when is it a
secret that you’re single? Fuck it, Jonne!”
“Hey, guys…don’t fight… I was only
being curious…”
It’s too late however. I’m pissed off
because Ville told him that and I ignore him. “Ville, maybe you should go to
bed…”
“No, I will turn in instead,” Jack
announces and rises from the couch. “Don’t fight, guys,” he says and then turns
around and leaves the room.
Now that Jack’s gone, I glare at
Ville. “Why did you have to say that? You…”
“Jonne, what’s gotten into you?”
Ville interrupts me and looks truly stunned. “It’s no secret that you’re
single! This isn’t like you! Why wouldn’t you want Jack to know that you’re
available?” Suddenly his eyes grow big and I realize that he figured it out.
“You’re fucking interested in him!”
My first reaction is to deny his
claim, but I quickly realize that it won’t get me anywhere.”I don’t want you to
spell it out to him… I don’t want him to know, okay?” Ville grows quiet and
studies me. I wish I knew what my brother is thinking. “Jack is one of
Christus’ best friends, so we’re not going there, understood?”
“Wow, I never knew Jack was your
type…”
A part of me wants to confide in
Ville so I can finally talk about the attraction. “He’s sexy… His voice’s sexy
and he’s got the most exquisite hands I’ve ever seen…”
“You’re in love…” Ville says rather
thoughtfully. “How does Jack feel about you? Any idea?”
“Ville, we’re not going there… Jack
is heading back home tomorrow and he has no idea that I like him in that way –
we’re going to keep it that way, okay?” I hope Ville realizes I’m serious.
“Jack can’t know about this.”
“Why?” Ville shifts on the couch and
moves closer. “Just because he’s friends with Christus? Jonne, they’re friends,
yes, but they’re not…lovers, brothers, or whatever! You don’t need to deny
yourself just because they’re friends! What if Jack’s interested in you too?
Ever considered that?”
“Actually, I did,” I admit. “But even
if he were, I’m not going to…”
“Jonne, hold on… You think the
attraction is mutual? And you’re not acting on it?”
Ville’s frustration level is growing
and I cringe. “Ville, it wouldn’t work out. Jack has been driving me crazy
since he got here – we don’t get along.”
“Maybe it’s because you’re being
defensive all the time! I noticed the bad vibes you’re giving off. You’re
keeping him at a distance on purpose!”
I don’t know how to reply to that –
Ville’s probably right, but I can’t let Jack get close to me. “It’s best this
way – safer.”
“For you? Jonne, I took a chance with
Pasi! It wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did, sleeping with him that night,
but at least I took action!”
I keep my mouth tightly shut. I’m not
going to respond to that – Ville can’t be seriously suggesting that I should
sleep with Jack! “Ville, I’m tired… I’m going to bed.”
“You’re running away! That’s what
you’re doing!” Ville sounds and looks angry. “How much longer are you going to
tell yourself that you can’t love again? Do you like being in pain? Let
Christus go, damn it! It’s over and done with!”
Every word Ville says is true, but I can’t
admit it. Instead, I rise from the couch and walk toward the doorway. “Subject
closed.”
“Coward,” Ville says in a bitter
tone. “You’re always eager to kick my ass when I’m running away from something,
but now that you’re running away you take the easy way out.”
I step into the corridor while
Ville’s words echo behind me. He’s right – I *am* running away and taking the
easy way out, but what other options do I have? I might have been inclined to
act upon my feelings if it had been anyone else except for Jack, but he’s too
close to Christus – and what if he doesn’t like me in turn?
I rub my temples and head for the
bathroom. I’m developing a headache and, as I want to sleep, my only option
seems to swallow some painkillers. I close the bathroom door behind me, get out
the aspirin, and swallow two of them. As I do, I catch my reflection in the
mirror. I should remove my makeup, or I will end up making a mess of my bed
too. While I remove it, I calm down and look at myself – my eyes in particular.
They used to glow when I was in love with Christus, but that glow faded once I
found out his true nature. I got hurt so badly and now Ville wants me to try
again? What if Jack will hurt me like Christus did?
I wash my face, dry it, and continue
to stare at my reflection. Is it just my imagination or do I actually see a
glow in my eyes? No, I must be imagining it.
I turn around, leave the bathroom,
and head for bed. Maybe everything will be better in the morning – although I
don’t really believe that. Things don’t change overnight – problems don’t get
solved like that.
I step into my bedroom, remove my
clothes, and slip into an oversized T-shirt. Normally I wouldn’t wear it, but I
don’t want to get caught naked by Jack. I sit down on the bed and mentally
review my conversation with Ville. He was
honest just now, and although he’s right about most things, I don’t have
the courage to actually face my fears.
“Jonne? Are you still awake?”
I look up in surprise and stare at
the door, which I thankfully closed behind me. “What do you want, Jack?”
“I wanted to say goodnight…”
I feel stupid talking to Jack through
closed doors, but do I really want to face him right now?
“I hope Ville and you stopped
fighting…”
I sigh; it seems Jack isn’t going
away before I talked to him. I walk over to the door, open it, but keep it
ajar. “It’s okay, Jack… We fight sometimes… We also make up afterwards…” Jack
looks kind of lost, standing there in one of Eero’s T-shirts, which is too big
for him. “That doesn’t suit you,” I remark and smile at him.
“Well, my clothes are starting to reek,
so…” Jack doesn’t finish the sentence, instead he smiles at me. “Thanks for
taking me in… I want you to know that I appreciate it.”
“Don’t mention it… It’s okay…” Damn,
why can’t I stop staring at him? Jack must notice my interest! “Sweet dreams,”
I say eventually – I need to put a stop to this or else I’ll lean in closer to kiss
him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Sleep tight, Jonne…”
Jack gives me a charming smile before
he turns around and heads for Eero’s bedroom. I continue to stare at him until
he closes the door behind him and then I close mine too. I lean against it,
close my eyes, and draw in a series of deep breaths. Damn, I really need Jack
to go back to Helsinki, because if he stays any longer, I might not let him leave at all!
TBC
Part 5
I can’t sleep during the night: I
toss and turn and end up more tired than when I went to bed. At four in the
morning, I give up, kick the comforter out of the way, and leave the bed. I
drag myself into the kitchen and switch on the lights. I do hope my actions
won’t wake Jack or Ville.
I get the milk from the fridge, pour
some into a mug, and put it into the microwave to heat it. It ‘pings’ and I
remove it. After adding honey to it, I sit down at the kitchen table and stare
into the white liquid. I stir and lick some milk from the spoon. I wished I
could finally go to sleep, but for some reason I remain appallingly awake.
Being honest with myself, I must
admit that Jack is the reason for my insomnia. Ville is right – I’m in love
with him, but no way ready to admit it to myself – let alone act upon it. I
finish my milk, put the mug in the sink, and go back to bed. I lie down, pull
up the comforter to my chin, and close my eyes, imagining how it would be if I
weren’t alone in bed – how it would feel if Jack was lying next to me. But
those are dangerous thoughts and I shouldn’t have them.
I turn onto my side and hug the spare
pillow, imagining it to be Jack. It doesn’t work though. Damn Ville for
bringing everything to the surface!
~~~
I get up at seven in the morning. I
did doze a bit after I’d had that milk, but real sleep never came. So I give
up, move into the bathroom, and take a long shower. It’s Wednesday today, and
if I’m not mistaken I have some appointments this afternoon – two interviews
and one photo shoot, for which I’m glad. They’ll distract me from my thoughts.
I slip into the clothes I’ve brought
along, blow dry my hair, and don’t bother applying makeup for now. I’ll add it
later. Now that I’m ready to face the day, I head for the kitchen. The first
thing I do is switch on the coffee maker. I then pour orange juice into a glass
and take it with me to the kitchen table. I get out my laptop, fire it up, and
check the latest news. Nothing eventful has happened though and I resort to
playing patience instead. I have the feeling that today will be a lost day.
“Up already?”
I’m surprised to see Jack enter the
kitchen. I nod at hearing his question and look at him. His hair is a complete mess,
but there are no makeup smears on his face this time. Looks like he remembered
to remove it before he went to sleep. “Coffee should be ready in a few
minutes.”
Jack sits down opposite me, stretches
his arms, and gives me a pleased look. “Best night of sleep I’ve had in a long
time.”
Instantly I grow grumpy. “At least
someone slept then.” Jack cocks his head and studies me. I refuse to take the
bait and continue my solitaire game.
“I take it you didn’t sleep well?”
Jack asks.
“I couldn’t fall asleep. I made hot
milk, but it didn’t help.”
“Ah, so I did hear you moving about
last night!” Jack moves his chair closer to mine. “You look rumpled, if I may say
so.”
I should feel insulted, I guess, but
I don’t – I can’t be angry with him for stating the truth. “A little makeup
later will do wonders.”
Jack gets to his feet, pours coffee
into two mugs, and carries them over to the table where he puts them down.
“Maybe that will help?” he says, pointing at the coffee.
“Thanks…” I curl my fingers around
the mug and sip carefully as it’s still hot. “When are you leaving?” I ask,
looking at Jack from over the rim of my mug.
Jack looks at the clock on the wall
and thinks it over. “At nine, if that’s okay with you…or if you want me to
leave now, I’ll go.”
“No, that’s okay…” So he will be
around for a few more hours. “You should continue to work on your songs – I
liked the melodies I heard last night.”
“Thanks!” Jack smiles radiantly. “I’m
glad you like them! Maybe we could do a duet, if you’d like that?”
“You sing?” I didn’t know that.
“I used to sing in the past,” Jack
clarifies. “I only do some backing vocals for Private Line as my voice doesn’t
fit the songs, but yes, I sing…” Jack eyes my laptop all of a sudden. “May I?”
“Sure.” I move it over him and those sexy
fingers of his move across the keyboard, accessing Youtube
and searching for songs there. “What are you looking for?”
“When I started out, I had my own
band, called Palmcut. I wrote the songs, played the
guitar, and sang… My voice has changed a little bit since then, but it’ll give
you an idea.”
Looking at the screen, I see he found
a song called Ambitious Me by Palmcut. It starts and
I’m rather surprised to hear him sing – his voice is deep and sultry and I
quiver at hearing it – I like it. “Too bad there is no life footage.”
“Trust me, you don’t want to find out
how I looked back then,” Jack says and grins. “I was so fucking young! I still
look too young for my age.”
Jack continues to smile in a
thoughtful way and the expression makes him even more attractive. I quickly
look away from him and back to the screen. “Our voices are quite different
though – do you think it would work?”
Jack looks up from the screen and
appears pensive. Then he nods and says, “I’m sure we will find a way to make it
work.”
Why do I get the feeling that he
isn’t talking about a duet anymore? I cough, quickly sip from my coffee, and
try to think of a way to steer the conversation into a different direction. The
video comes to an end and Jack moves the laptop back to me.
“Just think about it,” he says.
“You’ve got my phone number, so you can call me if you feel like talking.”
Again, I feel like we’re talking
about something else – not music. A silence settles onto the kitchen, and I
peek at him, wondering what to say that won’t come across as ambiguous.
“Why are you awake already?” Ville
appears in the doorway. He looks disgruntled and his eyes are still half
closet. His fingers move through his hair and then settle for rubbing his face.
“I’m still fucking tired.”
“Then go back to bed,” I suggest.
“Just because Jack and I are awake already, you don’t need to get up.”
“I can’t sleep when you’re talking
and listening to music.” Ville collapses onto a chair, rests his elbows on the
kitchen table, and supports his head by resting his chin on his hands. “At
least get me some coffee so I can wake up properly.”
I doubt the noise is the reason for
Ville not going back to bed: he’s curious and wants to know what Jack and I are
discussing. I pour him his coffee and move the sugar and milk toward him as
well. Ville puts three spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee and then some milk.
He sips from it and his features soften.
“I would be lost without sugar – it’s
my new drug!”
Jack grins and shakes his head. “I
thought Pasi would be your new drug.”
Ville grows flustered. “That’s not
nice… It’s still fucking early!”
“Are you going to see him today?” I
ask curiously.
Ville pries his eyes completely open
and apparently needs to think about that. “I’m supposed to be at his place in
an hour…Uniklubi’s playing at Tavastia tonight and he
asked me to tag along.”
“You’re going to Helsinki?” I didn’t
know that.
“Yeah…” Ville draws in a deep breath
and rubs his brow. “Pasi mentioned staying at a hotel overnight… So don’t
expect me back today.”
All of a sudden, I sense Jack’s eyes
on me. I turn my head, look at him, and the sudden gleam to his eyes worries me.
What did he come up with this time?
“I’m not working tonight and have
access to Tavasti at all times…” Jack says and grins at me. “I haven’t seen the
guys play in a long time! I think I’ll watch them!”
I blink at him: I have a feeling I
know where he wants to take this, but it’s not going to happen. “Good for you!
I hope you enjoy the show!”
“Why don’t you come along to the
gig?” Jack suggests.
Which was his main objective all
along. I shake my head and feel relieved that I have valid reasons for declining
the invitation. “I can’t. I have interviews today and a photo shoot.”
“At what time?” Ville says, butting
in.
I glare at my brother to let him know
that he shouldn’t get involved, but he chooses to ignore it. “I don’t know
exactly…” I pick up my mobile phone and check the time. “At three PM…”
“That will take an hour max,” Ville
says enthusiastically. “You can get to Helsinki in two hours… You can easily
make it to the show!”
I really need to talk to Ville about
his tendency to team up with Jack and against me. I’m his brother, damn it!
He’s supposed to support me and not Jack! “You know what those shoots are like…
They can easily take up to three hours…”
“Even then you’d be able to make it,”
Jack says in an oddly pensive voice. “I’d like your company tonight… I really
would…”
The way Jack says it makes my heart
miss a beat. Damn it, why must I have a crush on this guy? “Things will get
tight… And I don’t want to rush.”
“You can spend the night at my
place,” Jack says. “I don’t have a guestroom, but you can have my bed and I’ll
sleep on the couch – that’s no problem.”
“No, I can’t rob you of your bed!”
Hopefully Jack will accept my excuse, but I doubt it.
“The couch is really comfortable,”
Jack continues, ignoring my protest. “I fall asleep there all the time.”
I’m about to decline again when Ville
kicks my leg – my shin to be exact, and it hurts! I don’t want Jack to know
though and keep a straight face. “I’d rather not intrude.”
“You’re not intruding! I’m inviting
you! Come on, Jonne, it would be fun! I’ll get us backstage!”
It’s obvious that Jack won’t take a
no for an answer and neither will Ville. I’m not done with my dear little
brother yet though – I will get even with him later. Maybe it’s best to play
along for now. I’ll then call Jack in the afternoon and tell him that I can’t
make it after all. Yes, I like that plan. Jack and Ville will be in Helsinki at
that time and can’t bully me into joining them. “All right then…” Both Ville
and Jack smile at me, but they don’t know about my sneaky plan yet, so I simply
smile back at them.
“Is it okay if I shower first?” Ville
asks. “I need to get ready and don’t have much time left.”
“Sure, go ahead. I’ll keep Jonne
company in the meantime,” Jack announces.
Bah, he looks so damn smug saying it!
Remember the plan, I remind myself. Remember the plan – wait until they have
left and then call Jack, telling him you can’t make it. Let’s see who’s
laughing then!
~~~
Jack’s stalling; he won’t admit it,
but he is. It’s ten o’clock and he has been announcing he’s leaving for thirty
minutes now. Dressed in his coat, wearing a thick scarf and a beanie, he’s
ready to walk out of my life and I have mixed feelings about that. A part of me
wants Jack to leave right now, another wants him to stay.
“Give me a call when you’re at the
train station,” Jack says, “I’ll pick you up and then we can either head for
Tavastia right away or to my place first.”
“I will,” I tell him, though I don’t
plan on heading to Helsinki to begin with. “Have a good trip home!” We’re
standing opposite each other and I wonder about the strange tension that has come
over me. Jack’s expression tells me that he doesn’t feel at ease either. “I’ll
see you tonight then.” Not!
Jack takes a step toward the doorway,
but then he turns around, and walks toward me instead. Surprised, I hold my breath
for his arms are closing around me and he hugs me tight.
“Thanks for everything… I’ll make up
for it tonight… I’ll take good care of you, I promise.”
Jack’s words take me aback and I
force myself to relax in the embrace. It’s unexpected, but in a strange way,
welcome. “It’s okay, Jack…” Jack lets go, steps away from me, and gives me a
smile. Suddenly I feel bad for having a hidden agenda; Jack thinks I will join
him this evening, while in reality I’ll lie to him so I can stay at home. Does
that make me a bad person? I *do* feel guilty…
“See you this evening, Jonne! Take
care and bye!”
And then he’s finally walking away
from me. He descends the stairs and disappears from view. Momentarily, I feel
deserted and my first impulse is to go after him, but I stop myself just in
time. This is what I want – I want Jack gone and out of my life. I accomplished
that and now I have to live with it.
~~~
It’s only four in the afternoon when
they wrap up the photo shoot. Everything went smoothly and we finished earlier
than expected.
“You’re done for today!” Tommi
announces as he walks over to me. As my manager – and brother of course – he
kept an eye on me during the interviews and photo shoot. “Everything went just
fine!”
“Yeah, it did…” I don’t feel happy
though. I have to call Jack to let him know that I’m not attending the gig and
I feel nervous about that. Maybe I should send a message instead. Yes, that is!
That way I don’t need to talk to him!
“By the way, Ville called to ask if
you could pack him some spare clothes. He said something about being in a hurry
this morning and forgetting packing his overnight bag.” Tommi eyes me. “So
you’re heading for Helsinki too?”
Caught! Damn it, I feel caught. If I
cancel the trip now, I have to tell Tommi and even worse, I have to call Ville
as well. Ville will give me hell and probably talk a friend – or even Tommi –
into dragging me to Helsinki. My perfect plan doesn’t appear perfect anymore.
“I’m not sure I’m going – I feel a headache coming on.” Maybe I can still talk
my way out of it! Tommi places his right hand on my shoulder and maneuvers me
into a corner. I don’t like it, but don’t want to create a fuss over it.
“Tommi, I don’t feel well.”
“I don’t believe you… You were fine a
moment ago. Why don’t you want to go to Helsinki?”
My thoughts race as I try to come up
with a reason that would be acceptable to Tommi – and then, I know what to say.
“Christus lives there and I don’t want to run into him.” That should work!
“I thought the two of you had
talked?” Tommi appears confused. “I only took on ‘The Salvation’ because you
asked me to. Did something happen between the two of you? Didn’t you part as
friends?”
Oh yes, of course… I told Tommi about
my talk with Christus and about us burying the hatchet. “It still hurts to see
him,” I say rather slyly.
“You can’t hide for the rest of your
life, Jonne. Pack your bags and get going.”
I can’t believe my tactic didn’t
work! Normally Tommi would get protective of me and back me up. Why isn’t he
doing that this time?
“Ville said that you might want to
get out of it. Looks like he was right.”
Ah, so Ville put Tommi up to it! I
need a new plan, for I’m definitely not going to Helsinki! Maybe I can invent a
train crash – but no, that would be a feature on the news and Tommi can check
on that! Growing frustrated, I realize they cornered me – they got me right
where they want me. I have no way out! Tommi squeezes my shoulder and the touch
makes me look at him.
“I know that Jack can be just as
annoying as Antti and you don’t need to stay at his place for the night. Get a
hotel room if necessary, but go out, Jonne. You need to live your life instead
of locking yourself up at home. I understand that you’re still hurting because
of Christus, but don’t let him have such power over you.”
Ville must have told Tommi about our
conversation that morning – how else can Tommi possibly know all that? “Tommi,
Christus and I talked, yes, and we made our peace, but that doesn’t mean I’m
over him.”
“Then get over him! Fuck Jack for all
I care, but Jonne, get a life!”
I blush and stare at Tommi in shock.
Did he really say that? “You can’t be serious!”
“Jonne, I *am* serious! Get yourself
a love life! Ever since I met Juha I realized how important it is to have
someone special in your life!”
Fuck Jack – did Tommi really have to
say it? Now I can’t get the picture out of my head of taking Jack and bringing
him to orgasm!
“You need to acknowledge your needs
to yourself. I’m not saying it has to be Jack, but find someone you can build a
relationship with. Forget Christus. He’s in a new relationship anyway.”
Tommi’s kicking my ass, and most of
the time, I’m grateful when he does, but not in this case – he’s much too close
to the truth.
“Jonne, you’re going home. You *will*
pack Ville’s overnight bag and one for yourself. If necessary, I will drive you
to the train station and put you onto the next train to Helsinki myself. Now
you can have me watching your every move, or regain your senses and get moving
yourself.”
I know when I lost the battle and I
surrender. I’m not taking on a pissed-off Tommi for that’s one fight I’d
certainly lose. Looks like I’m going to Helsinki after all, but Tommi mentioned
me getting a hotel room, so I could do that and limit the time I will spend
with Jack. “You win,” I tell him eventually. “But I don’t like you very much at
the moment.”
“I’ll survive. Now, move!”
I refuse to look at him. I turn
around and march out of the studio. I spoke the truth – I really don’t like
Tommi right now. I don’t hate him for making me do this, but it comes close.
~~~
One hour later I make my way through
the train to Helsinki and find my seat after a few minutes of searching for it.
Apparently I’m stuck sitting next to an elderly lady – with gray hair, old-fashioned
black glasses and an outfit in the same color. I put my bags in the overhead
compartment and then say hello to her. When she looks at me, I catch tears
swimming in her eyes. Great, why is this happening to me? If the train wasn’t
that crowded, I would find myself a different seat. She says hello too and I
sit down. I uncover the book I’m reading and wished I had taken my music along
in case she starts talking.
Fortunately for me she turns out not
to be very talkative and remains silent for the next thirty minutes. I continue
reading, but get distracted when she rummages about in her handbag. I steal a
look at the content and see her removing a little booklet filled with pictures.
She flips them and I can’t help being curious – I try to look along.
Suddenly she raises her hand to wipe
at her face and I realize she’s crying. She rummages in her handbag again, but
gives up when she doesn’t find what she’s looking for. I guess she’s looking
for a handkerchief and doesn’t have some. I however do and find the little
package I keep in my pocket. I offer it to her and she smiles at me – but it’s
a sad smile.
“Thank you… That’s very kind of
you…”She removes a paper handkerchief from the package and wants to hand back
the rest, but I raise my hand, indicating she can keep it. “I forgot to pack
them… I’m so forgetful,” she apologizes and then looks at the pictures again.
The picture shows her, much younger
though, and a man, who holds her in his arms. She must have been about twenty
back then, now she strikes me as sixty, maybe even seventy.
“My husband died six months ago,” she
says and her tears reappear. “He hailed from Helsinki and wanted to be buried
there. Now I’m traveling there to visit his grave.”
I feel ill at ease, listening to her.
She’s telling me personal information and I don’t know how to react to it. She
reminds me of my grandmother though, and I can’t turn the other way and pretend
she isn’t sitting next to me. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I offer eventually.
“How long were you married?”
“We married when I turned twenty-two,”
she says and smiles. “I’m seventy-three years old now… he died after we
celebrated our fiftieth wedding anniversary.”
“That’s a long time,” I offer
consolingly.
“But it was a happy time, young man.
The best of my life…” She looks at me and wipes away her tears. “When we met, I
was miserable because another man had rejected me. I was determined not to fall
in love again, but then Tuomas appeared in my life. I didn’t realize it that
day, but he was going to change my world.” She grows quiet again and appears
lost in her memories. “He had to fight to get me to notice him, but he was
persistent, and in the end, I understood that he was the one for me.” Now,
she’s starting to smile and caresses the photo with her fingertips. “Those were
the best years of my life.”
I avert my gaze and stare ahead. Her
story rather resembles mine. Christus broke my heart and I’m determined not to
make the same mistake twice: and so I rejected Jack, who seemed genuinely
interested in me.
“When love comes along,” she resumes
after a moment, “Then don’t turn your back on it. It might not come looking for
you again.”
I feel her eyes upon me and force
myself to look at her. Ignoring her wouldn’t be polite. So I turn my head
toward her and nod. The expression in her eyes tells me that she’s serious.
It’s odd that I would run into her out of all the people riding this train, but
maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me
something.
TBC
Part 6
We’re still half an hour away from
Helsinki when my phone beeps, telling me that I’ve received a message.
Expecting it to be from Ville, I uncover my phone and access the message.
*I didn’t hear from you yet, so I’m
wondering if everything’s fine. When will you arrive? I’d like to pick you up
from the train station – Jack.*
I should have known that Jack would
contact me. I look at the words for some time and force myself to examine my
feelings. Surprised, I realize that I’m excited about meeting him. I hadn’t
expected that. I need to reply and go to a blank screen. Now, what do I write?
*I’m on the train to Helsinki and
should arrive in twenty-five minutes.* That’s it. I don’t add anything more,
simply because I don’t know what to say. The realization that I should give
Jack a chance still stuns me. I send the message, lean back, and peek at my
neighbor. She’s dozing and I should probably wake her when we arrive at
Helsinki.
It doesn’t take Jack long to get back
at me. A minute later, there’s another message waiting for me.
*That’s great! I’ll wait for you on
the track you’ll arrive at… Look out for me! I’ll see you soon then!*
Unwillingly, I smile after reading
the message. He sounds as excited as I feel.
“You look very happy, if I may say
so.”
Ah, the lady’s awake again and looks
at me. I nod, as I can’t hide my feelings anyway. “I’m visiting a friend… Who
might become a very good friend.” Her smile deepens and I have the feeling she
knows what I’m talking about. I should elaborate: for some reason I feel like I
can trust her – and I won’t see her again after leaving the train, so it’s safe
to confide in her. “A year ago, my boyfriend and I separated… We didn’t part on
good terms and I still hurt because of it… Lately though, someone new appeared
in my life and he seems interested in me… I pretended I wasn’t interested, when
in truth, I really like him… And now I’m visiting him.”
She nods and frowns deeply – making
even more lines appear on her already wrinkled brow. “If he likes you, and you
like him, you should give him a chance.”
“I realized the same thing after we
talked earlier. I gave him a hard time until now – I fought him every step of
the way… Maybe I should stop doing that and befriend him instead.”
“That sounds like good plan,” she
replies. “You look like a very nice young man and I hope you’ll find the love
you’re looking for.”
“Thanks.” Her words cause me to
blush. She’s right: I should give Jack his chance… I merely hope I’m not making
another huge mistake, as I don’t want my heart broken a second time.
~~~
I help the lady off the train and she
gives me a parting smile. Then she heads for the main hall of the station and
I’m standing there on my own. Jack said to look out for him, but there are lots
of people walking about. How am I supposed to find him?
“Jonne! I’m over here!”
Jack’s voice comes from behind me, so
I turn around and instantly see his arms, which he waves wildly. There *are*
drawbacks to being small – as I have learned myself, but he found a way to deal
with them. “Jack!” I call out his name, catch the sight of his black hat, and
suddenly, his body presses against mine. He wraps his arms around me and hugs
me tight. I drop the two bags I’m carrying onto the ground and cock my head.
Jack appears rather excited about seeing me and he’s all smiles.
“It’s good to see you! To be honest,
I was starting to wonder if you’d keep your promise. I was waiting for you to
write me, stating you wouldn’t come.”
I lower my gaze at hearing that. Do I
tell him the truth? Or feed him a white lie? Reminding myself that I want Jack
to have his chance, I say, “I considered staying in Tampere, yes, but then
Tommi convinced me to go. So here I am.” I don’t want to elaborate on what
happened between Tommi and me because I feel bad about it – I acted like a
spoiled child.
“Well, the most important thing is
that you’re here. Do you want to head for Tavastia right away?”
Jack picks up one of my bags and
waits for my answer. “It’s only seven… A bit early to show up at Tavastia,
don’t you think?” I must admit that a part of me is curious about Jack’s home.
What does it look like?
“Okay, let’s head for my place first…
We can take Ville’s bag with us when we head for the venue. He’s too busy
staring at Pasi to notice that you didn’t turn up yet. Oh, I attended their
sound check – Your brother has got it bad!” he says and leads me towards the
exit. “This way,” he adds and I follow his lead. Helsinki’s central station
always confuses me with its four exits and I’m happy to follow Jack about.
“I parked my car over there!”
I follow the direction Jack’s
pointing in and see a large number of cars. I have no idea which one is his.
“I should warn you about my place, I
guess… It doesn’t compare to your apartment… It’s tiny, but I keep it clean and
tidy…”
“Don’t worry about it… I don’t care
about luxury.” I don’t – I rather have a tiny, but comfortable apartment than a
luxurious loft with no life to it. Jack seems relieved to hear it and steers
toward a black Volvo – not a very new car, but it looks dependable.
Jack opens the car doors, puts the
two bags onto the back seat, and gestures me to sit down on the passenger’s
seat. “You’d better buckle up – Helsinki traffic is hell,” he warns me. I take
his warning to hart and fasten the seatbelt, just like Jack does after sitting
down. “I live close to the center: it’s only a five minute drive if we don’t
get caught up in an accident.” Jack starts the car and steers it toward the
road. “I was thinking about walking to Tavastia later… It’ll be dark and I
don’t trust myself driving.”
“That’s okay with me. I don’t mind
walking.” Not after all the enforced sitting I did on the train ride. Jack
suddenly needs to brake because the car in front of us spins and he blows his
horn as well.
“I hate driving in Helsinki… It gets
to me…”
Fortunately for the both of us, he
quickly turns into a street with less traffic. I wonder why he bothered to
drive when we could have easily walked the distance, but then again, maybe he
assumed I had lots of baggage with me.
“That’s it… That’s where I live – on
the second floor.”
Jack points out a brick building to
me. “It looks old,” is my first impression. It has some really nice decoration
though and there’s a small court yard with a statue in front of it. Actually,
it looks nice.
“I’m glad you like it!” Jack opens
the car port door with a remote and drives inside. He parks the car, shuts down
the engine, and smiles at me. “Home sweet home,” he says and unbuckles. I
follow his example once more and leave the car as well. Jack gets the bags and
walks me over to the elevator. “Can you press the button for me?”
I press it and the elevator doors
open. I press the button that should take us to the second floor and study
Jack, hoping he won’t notice it. He looks up though and smiles at me. It’s his
eyes though that smile the most. The doors open again and Jack walks up front,
exiting it.
“This way!” Jack walks up to the
third door on the right and puts down the bags. He uncovers his key and opens
the door. “Just feel at home as long as you’re here.”
I look down the corridor; it’s clean
and looked after. There are even some plants in the windowsills. Jack steps
aside so I can enter, and as I don’t want to disappoint him, I step inside. The
hallway is tiny, but the walls, painted in a soft yellow make me feel welcome.
Jack closes the door behind me and points toward the right. I start to walk and
enter the living room. It has white walls, a black couch, and there’s a
recliner, black as well. On the wall, I count seven guitars and they look well
taken care of. There are even some plants, and I’m not talking about cactuses,
like Antti has, but real plants, luscious and green. “I like it…” I tell him as
I turn around. It’s like he said – small but comfortable.
“The kitchen is back there,” he says
and points to the left. “The bathroom is right next to it. I’ll show you the
bedroom – the bed’s yours.” I want to protest and tell him that I can check
into a hotel – although that sounds no longer appalling – or sleep on the
couch, but Jack resolutely shakes his head. “You’re the guest – you get the
bed.”
His expression tells me that
protesting is useless, so I accept the situation for now. Jack walks in front
of me and opens another door. Looking inside, I realize it’s the bedroom. The
soft-yellow walls are the same color as the ones I saw in the hallway and add a
warm touch to the room. The bed frame is made of wood and the bed linen on it
is a dark yellow. Everything looks tidy and I suspect he cleaned up before I
got here. “Everything looks rather normal,” I say in a teasing tone. “Not the
type of apartment I would associate with a rock star.”
Jack’s eyes start to shine at hearing
my teasing praise. “It sounds like you approve of it.”
“It’s nice, Jack – no need to worry.”
Jack nods and puts my bags onto the bed.
“Why don’t you freshen up? I’ll make
something to eat in the mean time. We have a long night ahead of us and need
food in our stomachs! Is pizza okay?”
I seldom have pizza, but it fits the
situation. “I’d love pizza.”
“Great! I’ll take care of it…
Bathroom is over there.”
The way Jack’s trying to take care of
me is cute – he’s doing his utmost to ensure that I feel welcome and at home.
Suddenly, it strikes me that we’re getting along. I’m not bitching and Jack’s
awfully nice towards me. Does he wonder why I’m behaving all of a sudden? Jack
gives me an expectant look, and so I pick up my bag, and head for the bathroom
– to freshen up, as he called it.
~~~
The bathroom is spotless and white
all the way. The only colorful items are the plants that sit on the windowsill
and the green towels next to the sink. Very practical and functional – and
certainly not the way I had expected Jack’s place to look like. Maybe I should
stop associating Jack with Christus. Just because Christus’ home was a mess,
Jack’s doesn’t have to look like that. Yes, the two of them are friends – but
that’s about it.
I head for the kitchen and poke my
head inside. Jack’s putting two pizzas in the oven and hums a melody. Bending
down like that, I have a great view of his ass, which looks nice and firm in
those leather pants. I cough softly in order to let him know that I’m in the
kitchen. Jack turns toward me and gestures toward the kitchen table.
“Sit down! What do you want to
drink?”
I sit down, but don’t answer straight
away – caught up in staring at the strange table top. It’s made from glass and
Jack put all kinds of flyers, posters and concert tickets beneath it. I like it
and examine the exposed pieces carefully. He even has tickets to the shows
Private Line played in Germany. “This looks awesome.”
Jack nods. “I like it a lot myself… I
saw a table like that at an art gallery, but it was rather expensive, so I
bought a cheap table made of glass and constructed the rest myself. I still
have some space left in that corner,” he says and points at the top right corner.
I really like the idea and wonder if
I can do something similar at home. I would need to buy a new kitchen table,
but the idea of filling it up with pictures of my brothers and friends makes me
eager to look for one once I get home again. “It’s brilliant.” Looking up at
Jack, I see he’s blushing. “Really!”
Jack smiles shyly. “It’s not that
difficult to construct. I can show you how it’s done, if you want that.”
“I’d love that!”
Jack’s smile broadens. “And now tell
me what you want to drink…”
“Diet coke would be great…” A
photograph in the bottom left corner distracts me though – it shows Jack and
Christus. They’re both laughing and fooling around with their guitars.
“That’s an oldie,” Jack says as he
puts my drink in front of me. “I guess it’s about ten years old… You can tell
by Christus’ hair style.”
Yes… Christus and I had been still
together when that picture had been taken. We had been lovers at the time, and
I for my part, had been happy. “He looks so young in that picture…” Back then,
Christus hadn’t been into drugs yet. Back then, he had stuck to alcohol, and
although that’s a drug too, things hadn’t been too bad. He’d still had sober
days.
“That’s in the past,” Jack says
thoughtfully as he sips from his beer. “And we’re not going to talk about
Christus.”
I look up at him in surprise and then
recall the things I told him when he had visited me, namely that I didn’t want
to discuss Christus – Jack remembered that. “What are we going to talk about
then?”
“Our music! I didn’t have any time to
play the songs again, but I was hoping that maybe we could work on them before
you have to go home.”
The innocent smile he gives me is
anything but innocent. “Is that your way of asking me how long I’ll stay?” I
think I’m on to him – he’s more subtle about it though than I was when he
visited.
“You can stay as long as you want,”
Jacks says enthusiastically. “Though I understand if you think my place is too
small for that, but you’re welcome.”
I study Jack and try to make sense of
the emotions running through me. I feel extremely comfortable around Jack – he
makes me relax and smile – as long as I let him. I like working on music with
him and his apartment isn’t that small. When I moved in with Tommi after
leaving the home, our place had been even smaller and we had managed. “When do
you start work?”
My question confuses Jack, as he
frowns, but then he says, “Saturday evening at ten.”
I don’t have any appointments for the
rest of the week and so I make up my mind. It’s Wednesday evening right now… Staying
until Saturday should be doable. I can take the train home in the afternoon and
staying a few days would give me the chance to find out if Jack and I could
work out. “I’m staying until Saturday then, if that’s okay with you.” Jack’s
eyes light up and the smile that sets on his face is radiant. It looks like I made him very happy by saying
that.
“That’s great… That means we might
even finish a song, or maybe even two! And you can have the bedroom of course
and don’t worry about me walking in on you when you’re in the shower, I’ll
knock. Just tell me what you’d like to eat and I’ll get it and…”
“Jack? Stop rambling…” Jack’s
reaction makes me smile. He’s really set on spoiling me, but that’s not
necessary. “I just told you that I was going to stay and I’m not going to
change my mind because you run out of coffee.” Jack being so eager to please me
shows how much he wants me to stay and I must admit I look forward to spending
time with him. But first, I need to apologize. “Jack, I’m sorry about the way I
acted when you stayed at my place. I must have come across as a real bitch.”
Jack actually blushes. “I must admit
I like you better this way.”
I figured as much. “Just give me some
time to get used to you. It has been a while since I considered getting to know
someone better… The last person was Christus.” That should tell him a lot. Jack’s
jaw slips down and he stares at me with his mouth wide open, which he then
promptly shuts. I wonder what is going on in his brain, but then again, I’m
sure he’ll work it out.
“I feel special,” he says eventually.
“That you want to get to know me better. I hope I won’t disappoint you.”
“Just be yourself,” I advise.
“I…like…you…Jack…” Admitting that was hard, but it needs to be said. “I had a
hard time admitting it to myself… That’s why I bitched at you…” I didn’t plan
on having this conversation so soon, but I guess Jack needs to know where he
stands. I don’t want any misunderstandings between us.
“I like you too, Jonne.” Jack smiles
and his eyes shine with joy. “Thanks for trusting me. I know that can’t be easy
for you.”
I shrug. Jack probably knows me
better than I thought. Christus must have told him a lot, and what he didn’t
tell him, Jack probably figured out himself. Suddenly the oven starts to make
noise and it causes Jack to jump to his feet.
“Our pizzas are ready!” he announces
happily. “I made two kinds of pizza… You decide which one you like best!” He
walks over to the oven, removes them, and puts them onto plates, which he then
places on the table. “That one has mozzarella and this one ham and pineapple.”
“I like both.” I really do.
Jack gets out the pizza slicer and
cuts them into pieces. “Help yourself… Pick whatever slice you want.”
I move one slice onto my plate. I
don’t bother using my fork and knife and lift the slice to bite into it. I
munch on it and watch Jack start to eat as well. He barely has any make up on
today and I must admit that I like him best this way. “What’s up with the
makeup you usually wear? The Alice Cooper thing?”
Jack chuckles. “It has become a
habit, I think. I always wear it when I hit the stage. Do you think it’s too
much?”
“I like you better this way,” I
admit. “You have great eyes… If you hide them beneath all that eyeliner and
mascara, they’re harder to see.”
“Okay, less makeup then when you’re
around.” Jack bites into another slice of pizza and studies me in turn. “How
are the Aatamilas doing? Is Arttu okay?” he asks
eventually, steering the conversation to safer grounds.
“Eero sent me a message earlier
today. Apparently all Arttu does is sleep, which gives Eero a chance to study
for his upcoming test. Antti is behaving…”
“Antti makes a bad nurse…” Jack
grins. “I remember a time when I was terribly hung over. Instead of being quiet
and leaving me alone, Antti talked nonstop and made coffee… The scent made me
nauseous and I actually hurled. He wasn’t pleased about that…”
I can easily picture the scene.
“Antti’s a good guy, but lost when it comes down to taking care of someone.”
Jack nods, finishes another slice,
and then sips from his beer. “Are we going to dress up for the gig tonight?”
“I didn’t bring a special wardrobe
with me,” I reply with a grin. “Merely a spare outfit, similar to what I’m
wearing.” When I had changed my clothes after that photo shoot, I had slipped
into the outfit Jack had picked for me to wear at the Rooster. “Hopefully this
is okay?”
“Sure… We’ll add a little makeup and
a hat and you’re good to go.”
“But only a little!” I don’t want to
end up looking like Alice Cooper. We grow quiet after that and eat our pizzas.
Normally, I would feel uncomfortable with such a silence hanging over the room,
but with Jack, I don’t. It’s odd, but it’s like his eyes speak to me: they
assure me that I’m welcome and that everything is fine. “I like it here,” I admit
eventually. “I hadn’t thought I would.” Now that I’ve decided to be honest it’s
surprisingly easy to speak my mind.
“I’m glad you’re here, Jonne.” Jack
gets up, opens the fridge, and then looks at me. “Are you up for dessert?”
“Depends on what dessert you have in
mind.”
“Nothing fancy…” Jack removes the
pudding from the fridge, puts two bowls
and spoons on the table, and sits down again. “I love chocolate pudding so I
always have some around. Do you want some?”
Jack gives me a hopeful look and I
nod. “You have something in common with Arttu then.”
“In what way?” Jack puts some of the
pudding into the bowls and moves it toward me.
“Arttu wanted some the other day… His
jaw hurt, and when asked what he wanted to eat, he asked for chocolate pudding.”
Jack starts to eat, but he’s not very
tidy. Some of the pudding ends up near to his nose, but he doesn’t seem to
notice it. “You got some pudding over here,” I mention and point out the spot
to him. For some reason, Jack starts wiping the other side of his face and I
raise my arm to wipe the pudding away. “No, over there…” My fingertips glide
over Jack’s facial skin and the first thing I notice is his body warmth. When
was the last time I touched someone like this – apart from my brothers of
course. When did I touch someone because I wanted to touch him in that way? Two
years ago, I realize – the last person I touched like that was Christus.
“Is anything wrong?” Jack has a
worried expression in his eyes and his fingers close around my hand. He lowers it
and claps his other hand around it as well.
I stare at our hands and realize that
I want to be touched. I hunger for it and I feel fucking starved. I want
someone to love me – to hold me and touch me. I want someone in my life who
doesn’t mind taking care of me now and then. I want that special someone… “No,
not wrong,” I stammer eventually as I don’t want to worry Jack even more.
“There’s just a lot going on in my head…”
Jack nods and strokes the back of my
hand. “You have a certain look in your eyes, Jonne. I don’t know if I’m reading
you correctly, but you look like you could really need a hug.”
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry
at hearing that. Am I so easily read? “Maybe you’re right,” I admit. “But…” I
stop talking when Jack leaves his chair and walks over to me. He lowers himself
onto his heels and wraps his arms around me – just like that. I relax in the
embrace – I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d push him away, but instead, I
wrap my arms around him in turn.
Jack holds me – and that’s about it.
He doesn’t go any further than that. It makes me rest my head against his and I
inhale his scent. He wears some sort of aftershave and I like the smell of it.
It feels odd to be in his arms, but not wrong. He feels warm and surprisingly
soft and I don’t want to let go.
A minute later, I tell myself to let
him go and lower my arms. Jack however, keeps one arm wrapped around my
shoulder and raises his head. He rests his brow against mine and looks me in
the eyes. It’s a amazingly intimate moment, and I don’t shy away from it, which
surprises me. “Thanks,” I whisper.
“You’re welcome, Jonne.”
Now that I’m close to Jack, I get the
chance to study his eyes from up close – and more importantly the expression in
them. I don’t think I ever saw something so beautiful before as the warmth in
his eyes. He must have had feelings for me for some time and I can’t help but
wonder for how long. I’m not going to ask him though.
“Why don’t we get ready for the gig?
Ville will want his overnight bag, and after delivering it, we can have a drink
and hang out at the bar or backstage,” Jack suggests.
“I don’t drink,” I remind him. I
don’t want this moment to end, but Jack’s already moving away from me.
“Don’t worry – we will find something
suitable for you.”
Suddenly my mouth grows dry and it
feels like having an epiphany – is this it? Is Jack it? Will Jack make me
forget Christus? Can he make me happy? I ask my heart those questions, but I
don’t expect it to answer me back as it has been quiet ever since Christus stepped
out of my life. But it does whisper a reply and tells me that the answer to my
questions is yes.
TBC
Part 7
“You’re not getting bored, are you?”
I look at Pasi and show him the
finger. “How can I possibly be bored? I’ve watched their sound check and now
we’re feasting on food from Hesburger. Pasi has been great all day long.
After I had left home, Pasi had
already been waiting for me in his apartment. He had dragged me downstairs and
pushed me into Uniklubi’s tour bus. Once we had been
seated, he had taken my hand into his and hadn’t let go of it until we had
reached Tavastia.
The peaceful affection he radiates
makes me relax and I feel perfectly fine around him – and the rest of the band,
which I have known for years.
“Good, I was merely checking,” Pasi
says and finishes his hamburger. “We still have two hours left before I need to
hit the stage. Is there anything you’d like to do?”
Have sex – flashes through my brain –
but I dismiss the thought again. Pasi and I agreed on getting to know each
other better before we’d make love again. “I want to call Jonne. I need to know
if he’s in Helsinki or stayed at home in Tampere. I need my stuff, and if he
doesn’t have my overnight bag, I need to improvise.” I had thought that we
would head home tomorrow, but apparently the band is spending tomorrow in
Helsinki as well.
Tommi had sent a message earlier,
telling me that he had kicked Jonne’s ass. He expected Jonne to head for
Helsinki, but we’re talking about my brother here and one can never be sure about
Jonne.
“Give your brother a call then…” Pasi
leans back against his chair and eyes the fries on his plate. He shoves them
away though and rubs his abdomen instead. “I ate too much…”
I smile at him, uncover my phone, and
dial Jonne’s number. I wait, hoping Jonne will answer. A minute later, there’s
noise at the other end and I hear Jonne’s voice. “Jonne, it’s me! Where are
you? In Helsinki or still in Tampere?” I hear another voice in the back and
realize my brother has company.
“I’m in Helsinki…and yes, I have your
overnight bag with me. But really, Ville, you need to think of stuff like that
before you run out of the door… No, not pink! Get away from me with that eye
shadow! I’m not wearing it!”
My eyebrow inches higher at hearing
that last part. It sounds like someone is trying to put pink eye shadow on Jonne
and my brother doesn’t like it. My heart suddenly speeds up in fright – he
didn’t walk into Christus, did he? Please Jonne, stay away from him. He’s bad
news for you! “Who’s there with you?” I ask when curiosity and concern get the
better of me.
“Jack… No, Jack! I don’t want a kilo
of eyeliner either… Sorry, Ville, but Jack’s trying to turn me into Alice
Cooper… Give me one moment…”
Suddenly the line goes quiet and I
worry that Jonne has severed the connection, but then his voice’s back.
“Sorry, but I had to get away from
him. I left him in the bathroom… Good, he isn’t coming after me!”
“Why’s Jack around?” I don’t get it.
I know that Jack stayed at Jonne’s place the other day, but…
“I’m staying with him – don’t ask! He
offered to let me stay and wouldn’t allow me to check into a hotel… So now I’m
stuck here!”
Jonne doesn’t sound worried though –
if I’m not mistaken, I hear a chuckle in his voice. “If that’s the way you like
it…” I can tell that Jonne wants to say something, but I don’t give him the
chance to do so. “When will you get here? I need my stuff.”
“I reckon we will be there within the
hour. I’m not sure how long it will take us to get to Tavastia…”
“Within the hour is fine.” I must
admit to being surprised that Jonne allows Jack around. Normally he’s defensive
and gives no one chance to get close to him. “The band’s staying in Helsinki
tomorrow too… So don’t expect me back until Friday.” I had better tell him
before he has a fit because I didn’t come home.
“That’s okay… I won’t be home until
Saturday afternoon either, I reckon.”
Jonne surprises me again. “Are you
saying you’re staying with Jack until Saturday?” This is very atypical behavior
for my brother, who loves his privacy.
“Well, he invited me to stay and I accepted.
Not sure though if I’ll manage that long. I don’t know what happened, but ever
since he started to get himself ready for our evening out he’s become
hyperactive.”
I can’t keep quiet any longer and
ask, “Do you like him, Jonne? Is that it?” I had never thought my brother would
feel attracted to Jack, but stranger things have happened. And to be honest?
Jack’s a good guy – much better boyfriend material than Christus ever was. If
this is the case, and Jonne likes Jack in that way, I’ll do everything I can to
make sure they get together!
Jonne remains quiet – and that tells
me a lot. He gets like that when he’d rather not discuss something. “You do…
Jonne, I’m your brother, you can tell me.”
“I’d rather not discuss this over the
phone,” Jonne says eventually. “If you really want to discuss Jack we can do so
later, when I’m at Tavastia.”
That actually sounds promising. Jonne
wants to talk, which means he has a lot to talk about – Jack, and probably his
feelings for the guitar player. I was right then – Jonne does like Jack.
“That’s fine with me, but no distraction tactics, do you hear me? We’re going
to talk about this.”
“Okay… Ville, I’ve got to go now.
Jack is ready to leave…”
“I’ll see you soon… Jonne, I think
it’s great you’re here… I really do.”
“We’ll see how everything turns out…
Bye, Ville… See you in a few minutes.”
I slide the phone into a pocket and
look at Pasi, who’s watching me in turn. “That’s odd.”
“What did Jonne do this time?” Jussi
says, getting involved.
The Uniklubi guys are no strangers to
Jonne. Jussi and Teemu are good friends of my brother and know him well. “Jonne
is in Helsinki and instead of checking into a hotel like he normally does, he’s
staying with Japa.”
Jussi puts his burger back into the
wrapping paper and frowns. “You’re right: that *is* odd.”
“Maybe not *that* odd,” says Spit who
also joined us to watch the show later.
“What do you mean by that?” Feeling
curious, I move my chair closer to Spit’s, who’s sitting next to me.
“You guys know that Jack got divorced
some time ago?” asks Spit.
I nod. Yeah, I had heard about that.
“Why are you bringing that up?”
“Because part of the reason why he
got that divorce was the fact that he likes guys,” Spit explains. “At the time,
I thought he liked Christus, because they were joined at the hip for some
time…”
I stare at Spit in surprise, as I
suspect where he might be taking this.
“One evening, I asked him about it,”
Spit continues. “But Jack denied being in love with Christus. However, he did
hint that there was someone he felt attracted to, but he felt like he couldn’t
act on it. He was already divorced at the time so he wouldn’t have been
cheating, but he said the guy was off limits. I waited until he was drunk – and
believe me, Jack doesn’t get drunk as often as you might think – but when he
did I brought it up again.”
“And what did he say?” Can it be that
Jack’s been attracted to Jonne all that time and we never noticed a thing? That
seems almost impossible!
Spit chuckles, probably because I
make an impatient impression. “He said that the mysterious guy didn’t live in
Helsinki, but in Tampere and that the reason why he couldn’t act on it had
everything to do with Christus.”
I understand what Spit’s hinting at.
“He wouldn’t have acted on his feelings if Christus was still together with
Jonne.”
Spit nods. “I didn’t think of Jonne
at the time, but now that you mention Jack taking him in… It would make sense
if it was Jonne.”
I nod. Spit’s right of course. “And
now that Christus and Jonne are no longer together, he might be inclined to act
on it. But what about Christus? Aren’t they friends still?”
“Christus has a new girlfriend –
they’re living together… I met him a few times and it looked to me like he had
moved on…” Spit says. “He didn’t make the impression that he was mourning his
past relationship.”
“If that is the case…” I draw in a
deep breath and imagine what it would be like if Jack were part of our family –
as Jonne’s boyfriend. Actually, I might like having him about.
The door at the entrance to the
backstage area opens and the first thing I see is Jonne’s blond hair. Jack’s
only two steps behind him and the grin on his face tells me he’s in a good
mood. I guess I know why now. “Jonne, over here!” Jonne waves at me to let me
know he’s seen me and starts to move toward us. “This is going to be
interesting,” I whisper at the others.
“Ah, there you are… Next time, you
can carry your bag yourself!”
Jonne puts my overnight bag onto the
floor next to me. Then, he smiles at the others and endures the hugs Teemu and Jussi
give him. Jonne makes a relaxed impression and doesn’t seem anxious about Jack
hovering close to him – which proves my theory that my brother likes Jack back.
“We’re going to hit the clubs after
the show,” Teemu says as he hugs Jonne. “Are you coming along?”
I narrow my eyes as I catch Jonne
looking at Jack instead of answering Teemu’s question.
“What do you want to do?” Jonne asks
Jack.
“If you want to go clubbing, we can
do that,” Jack says, but his tone makes it clear that he’d rather not.
Jonne picks up on it too. “We’ll see
what happens later, Teemu.”
Teemu exchanges a look with Jussi,
which I notice, and grins at his friend. Was this just a ploy to find out if
Jonne wanted to stay close to Jack? If so, it worked. Jack pulled up a chair to
the table and offers it to Jonne. That’s another action that doesn’t go
unnoticed and I look at Pasi when he pinches me softly. I nod, showing I get it
too. Jack takes up position behind Jonne and seems content to stay there.
“When will the show start?” Jonne
asks.
“In about thirty,” Jussi replies. “I
should get ready and do some vocal exorcises… Excuse me, guys.” He gets up,
leaves, and Jack quickly takes possession of the chair Jussi vacated. He’s
sitting next to Jonne now and keeps a close eye on my brother.
“So…” I say slowly and draw Jonne’s
attention to me by doing so. “You’re staying with Jack? I didn’t know you were
such good friends.” Let’s see what Jonne will say to that. Jonne actually grows
a bit flustered; I doubt any of the other guys notice it, but I know him best
and I do.
“We’re not – yet,” Jonne adds the
last word when Jack gives him a sad look. “But we’re working on it.”
Ah… you’re working on it… Jonne,
that’s your way of saying – I like him and want him close! “I think it’s
great…”
Jonne frowns at my reply, but doesn’t
question me, probably knowing he will get the third degree later tonight.
~~~
“For one moment I worried that Jack
was going to follow us,” I tell Jonne when I close the bathroom door behind us.
The only way to get Jack away from Jonne is to go to the toilet, it seems. “He
seems glued to you!” Jonne avoids my gaze and seems a bit embarrassed.
“He likes me,” he says quietly. “I
have the feeling he might be in love with me.”
Looks like we’re not going to dance
around the issue for a change, which is something I approve of. “I have the
feeling you’re right,” I say teasingly. “Jack appears to be in love with you.”
Only a blind person wouldn’t see that!
Jonne raises his head, moistens his
lips, and sighs deeply. “It’s rather obvious, isn’t it? I can’t believe I
didn’t catch it right away.”
I shrug. “At least you’re aware of it
now. So, are you going to act on it? What are your plans, Jonne?” I lean
against the door with my back, ensuring no one can enter and catch us talking.
“I’m not sure yet…” Jonne says as he
moves away from me. “The thing is, I like
him too.”
A victorious feeling sweeps through
me. “I knew it!” At that, Jonne’s head jerks up and he stares at me with wide
eyes. “It’s rare for you to let anyone invade your personal space, and when I
heard that Jack was staying at your place, I thought something was fishy. When
I called you, and you turned out to be staying at his place, I became rather
sure that something was going on! Jonne, this is great!” Jonne however sighs
and gives me a haunted look.
“I want to give this a chance, but
I’m still unsure if it’s the right thing to do.”
“Because of Christus?” Fuck, I hate
the way Christus still has a hold over my brother. Jonne nods and confirms my
suspicions. “But why? Spit told me that Christus moved on! He has a girlfriend
and moved in with her.” I cover the distance between us and rest my hands on
his shoulders. “Jonne, you have every right to be happy. Don’t continue to pine
for him. Christus is no longer in your life, but Jack is.”
Jonne draws in a deep breath. “You
might be right about that, Ville, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I still
hurt because of what happened with Christus. I don’t want to go through that
with Jack too.”
“Jack’s not Christus and you have
changed too, Jonne. If you don’t take a risk, you’ll remain alone forever.
Jonne, you’re not made to live like that. You should be together with someone,
and to be honest? From what I’ve heard, Jack has been in love with you for
quite some time.” Jonne’s eyes grow big – yeah, I had thought that it would get
his attention. “Spit told us some things about Jack. It seems like he has been
in love with you for the last two years. It might even be part of the reason
why he divorced.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?” Jonne
frowns.
“Maybe because of the same reason you
don’t want to get involved with him right now.” Let’s see if Jonne can figure
it out himself.
“Because of Christus?” Jonne’s
features contort. “Fuck…”
So he did it figure it. Maybe there’s
hope for him yet. “What are you going to do about it, Jonne? I hope you realize
it’s up to you to take action.” I’m making that up of course, but *do* I want
Jonne to take the initiative.
Jonne doesn’t seem certain though.
“That’s easier said than done… I don’t know what to do… It’s been years since I
flirted – or dated.”
Is Jonne asking me for pointers? I
blink at him. “Jonne, start slow… I don’t expect you to drag him off to your
bed and tie him down!” Jonne blushes and I wave a finger at him. “Start with
holding his hand…or wrap your arm around him… Touch him as if accidentally.
Come on, Jonne, you’ve got more experience than me!”
“But I’m out of practice…”
I roll my eyes. “Then get busy!
Jonne, Jack is a good guy… Give him a chance…” Jonne nods, but I can tell
Christus is still on his mind. “Don’t let Christus control your life, Jonne… He
moved on and so should you.” Jonne’s about to reply when someone bangs on the
door.
“I don’t know what the two of you are
doing in there, and I don’t want to know actually, but can you stop doing
whatever it is? I need to use the bathroom, and if you don’t want me to pee out
here, I suggest you open the door!”
“Your future boyfriend has a nice way
of getting his point across,” I whisper into Jonne’s ear. “Good luck.” Jonne
however doesn’t seem fazed.
“He’s nervous – that’s when he talks
too much. I noticed that already…” Jonne whispers back. Then, louder, he adds,
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Jack.” Jonne pulls me away, as I have been
blocking the door, and opens it. “You can come inside,” he tells Jack, who
gives him a suspicious look.
Jack takes a step inside, looks at
me, and at Jonne, and eventually grins. “So are you guys done in here? I need
to go and don’t need an audience.”
“We’re done,” Jonne announces as he
puts an arm around my shoulders. He pulls me out of the bathroom and toward the
stage.
“Fuck, they already started playing!”
I missed the beginning of the gig and blame Jonne for that! I free myself of
his hold and move toward that part of the stage where Pasi is located. I make
sure I stay out of sight of the audience, but wink at my new boyfriend. From
the corner of my eye, I watch Jonne, who hovers close to the bathroom. He’s
probably waiting for Jack to leave it.
I do hope Jonne’s going to break free
of the hold Christus still has on him. I’m glad Jack likes Jonne, for I think
he’s a good choice, and I’m even happier that Jonne likes him back. The fact
that the two of them already banter around each other is a good sign as far as
I’m concerned: it shows that they like each other.
Unexpectedly, my phone vibrates in my
pocket and I quickly uncover it, realizing it can only be Eero or Tommi.
Looking at the display, I recognize I was right – it’s Tommi. A moment later,
his message appears.
*Did Jonne ever arrive in Helsinki? I
texted him, but he isn’t answering… Get back to me, I need to know.*
I chuckle: sounds like Tommi’s
worried. I should probably reassure him that everything is fine.
*Jonne’s here all right and Jack’s
not leaving his side. I’ve got the feeling Jonne might end up with a boyfriend
within the next few weeks.*
I press send and grin evilly. Let’s
see how Tommi reacts to that. I don’t need to wait for long though.
*Boyfriend? Maybe I shouldn’t have
told Jonne to get his act together and fuck Jack…*
I burst out laughing and catch Jonne
giving me an odd look. So Tommi told Jonne to fuck Jack? Jonne must have
irritated Tommi big time for our oldest brother to react like that!
*In that case, I hope Jack has
condoms at home! But seriously, I don’t think they will move that fast! I’ll
keep you updated! Love you and bye!*
I slip my phone into my pocket again
and watch Jonne, who’s coming over to me. He’s probably wondering why I was
laughing at him. “You forgot to bring Jack along.”
“He’ll find me…” Jonne narrows his
eyes and studies me. “What was going on just now?”
Oh, I will tell him – I want to see
his expression when he hears me say it. “Tommi texted me… He wondered if you
ever arrived and if you had fucked Jack yet.” Jonne glares at me and I can tell
he’s irritated. “Tommi was joking,” I tell him, hoping he will come around.
Jonne however ignores me. “There’s
Jack… I’ll see you later.”
He walks away from me, toward Jack,
and I wonder what happened just now. Then, I realize something about Jonne:
maybe he wants to be close to Jack in that way… Maybe he wants to make love to
him – maybe, Jonne’s lonely. Fuck…What do I do with that realization?
Looking at Jonne, I find that he has
joined Jack again. Jack smiles and I bet he wouldn’t mind having sex with
Jonne, but I know Jonne won’t move that fast. He’ll go slow and make sure he
doesn’t end up heartbroken. Jonne must have felt my eyes upon him, because he
suddenly takes Jack’s hand in his and clasps his fingers tightly around the
limb. Jack appears surprised, but then leans in closer to Jonne and his smile
grows even brighter.
I should stop worrying about those
two. The way Jack looks at Jonne tells me that he won’t give in easily – Jack
will find a way to get through to Jonne, and after my little talk with Jonne, I
feel confident that he will give Jack his chance. Those two will find a way to
make it work… I should concentrate on my own relationship instead.
TBC
Part 8
“They played a great gig!” Jack opens
the door to his apartment and steps inside. “And the audience loved them!”
I follow Jack into the living room,
where he sits down on the couch. Jack has been charming company so far – very
attentive and cheerful. I kept my word and played nice and didn’t bitch at him.
My changed attitude is doing wonders for our growing friendship. “Do you want
something to drink? No, don’t get up! I’ll get it.” Jack stretches and then
pushes himself deeper into the comfort of the couch.
“Beer would be great…”
“One beer coming up…” I head for the
kitchen, remove Jack’s beer from the fridge, and get some bottled water for
myself. I return to the living room, but remain standing in the doorway when I
find my surroundings have changed. Jack closed the curtains, lit candles, and
is putting on music right now. My first reaction is to verbally lash out at him
for confusing me, but I bite down on my tongue and stay quiet.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Jack says as
he turns around to face me. “I just wanted to make everything more
comfortable.”
“It’s okay.” I don’t blame him for
trying to set a relaxed mood. I place Jack’s beer onto the coffee table and sit
down on the couch – leaving Jack enough space to sit down next to me if he
wants to. He takes the hint and takes a seat next to me. He reaches for his
beer, sips from it, but then puts it back onto the table. He sits back and
gazes at me thoughtfully. It feels like he wants to make a move, but doesn’t
feel comfortable doing so. Maybe he’s worried about my possible reaction. Like
Ville said, it’s up to me.
I reach for Jack’s hand, take it into
mine, and pull it into my lap. I stroke the back of his hand, and when he
twines our fingers, I look up at him. Jack possesses the warmest smile I’ve
ever seen and it feels like the room temperature just went up. I don’t know yet
how to do this, but it’s obvious that we need to talk. I shift on the couch,
but don’t release his hand. I end up sitting cross-legged, facing him.
“We need to talk, don’t we?” Jack
says hesitantly.
“I think so, but don’t be scared…” I
wonder about the melancholy expression that has appeared in his eyes. It looks
like Jack doesn’t think our talk will end on a positive note.
“Is this the moment you’re going to
tell me that you feel flattered that I’m interested in you, but you don’t want
to risk your heart? Because you’re worried to end up hurt again?”
Jack impresses me – he knows me very
well, but he doesn’t know that things have changed for me. I would have
confirmed his remark only yesterday, but today, things are different. “Not
anymore.” Jack blinks and I rub his fingers using mine. “I had a change of
heart when I was riding the train earlier today.” Jack frowns and seems utterly
confused: I feel sorry for him, knowing his emotional turmoil is my doing. “I’m
holding your hand, am I not?” I raise his hand and draw his attention to it.
Jack stares at our joined hands and
nods eventually. “I wondered about that.”
“Jack… Can I ask you something
personal?” A suspicious look appears on Jack’s face, but then he nods. “I heard
that you’ve been interested in me for a long time and I wonder if it’s true.”
Jack grows uncomfortable and twitches
slightly. “Whomever told you that should have kept his mouth shut.”
“But they told me and now I’m asking
you if it’s true. I would appreciate it if you answered the question, Jack.” I
understand why he’s hesitant, but it would be best to build our friendship on
the truth.
Jack draws in a deep breath, shrugs,
and lowers his gaze. “They might be right… I’ve liked you for quite some time…”
I feel relieved that Jack told me
that – it’s a start. “I had no clue… Jack, I like you in turn, but we need to
go slow… I need to go slow… I feel still haunted… by… you know who…I don’t want
to say his name or bring him into our conversation… But I want you to know that
I like you and that I want to give us a chance… I can’t tell what will happen,
but… let’s see where it takes us.” Jack’s expression instantly clears and any
depressing thoughts seem to leave him. I’m happy to see him smile again.
“I would like that too and don’t
worry… I can do slow!”
“I’m sure you can.” I hadn’t thought
I would feel so relieved and maybe even a bit grateful after having this
conversation.
“Is it okay if I put my arm around
you?” Jack asks while his eyes warm up even more.
“That’s okay.” I chuckle and shake my
head. In a way it’s cute that Jack asks me first. He puts his arm around me and
pulls me closer. I move toward him and rest my head against his shoulder.
Sitting like this is nice and feels intimate – I like it.
~~~
Slipping between the covers of Jack’s
bed feels odd. Although I spent lots of nights in hotel rooms, this feels
different. This might become my second home if things work out. It’s a bit
chilly in the room because I kept the window ajar and I pull the comforter up
to my chin. The scent of vanilla surrounds me and it strikes me as funny that
someone like Jack uses fabric softener.
“Are you fine? Is there anything you
need?” sounds Jack’s voice from the other side of the door.
He’s been the perfect gentleman all
evening and I appreciate it. It makes me like him even more. “I’m fine and your
bed smells of vanilla! I like it.” Jack chuckles and I can hear it through the
door.
“I’m glad you like it… I’ll see you
in the morning! Bye, Jonne!”
“Bye, Jack! Hope you’ll sleep well…”
Jack’s footfalls tell me that he’s moving away from the door. I felt bad for
occupying his bed and offered to sleep on the couch instead, but Jack refused.
I turn onto my side, make myself as comfortable as I can, and close my eyes. I
still can’t believe I did it – I took the train to Helsinki to be with Jack and
now I’m in his bed – alone, but still, I made it here!
Feeling pleased with myself, I drift
off into sleep, and hope I’ll dream of Jack.
~~~
Still half asleep, I stretch and
realize I’m not in my bed. That doesn’t alarm me – I wake up in strange beds
all the time, but something strikes me as odd. Ah yes, there’s no roommate… No
Tommi, Nakki, or Larry who’s harassing me.
I open my eyes and remember that I’m
at Jack’s apartment. I spent the night in his bed, and oddly enough – alone.
Sunlight sneaks into the bedroom and it makes me hope that it will be a sunny
and warm day. I push the comforter to the foot end, place my feet on the floor,
and rise from the bed. I reach for my jeans, step into them, and pull a clean
T-shirt from my bag. I’ll shower and clean up later – first I want coffee.
I open the door, step into the
corridor, and look about. Jack opened the curtains in the living room, because
that’s where most of the sunlight enters the apartment. He might be awake in
that case. “Jack? Are you up already?”
There’s no reply – maybe Jack’s
asleep after all. Softer, I call out again. “Jack?” But everything remains
quiet, and when I step into the living room, I find the couch empty. A piece of
paper draws my attention and I sit down to read it.
*I went to the supermarket… Will be
back soon… Feel at home and make tea or coffee if you want to…*
That explains Jack’s absence. I
follow his advice and go into the kitchen to make coffee, only to find the
coffee maker set and ready. All I need to do is press the button. I sit down at
the kitchen table and uncover my phone. There aren’t any messages, which
surprises me. I would have expected for either Tommi or Ville to ask how my
first night at Jack’s place had been.
The coffee is ready, and after a
quick search I find milk, sugar, and mugs. I sit down again, stir my coffee,
and wonder what to do until Jack gets here. Fortunately I don’t need to wait
for long as I hear the front door open.
A moment later, Jack appears carrying
a plastic bag containing his groceries. He looks at me in surprise, but then
his smile’s back. “You’re up already! I thought you’d sleep in,” he says as he
puts the bag on the counter.
“I woke up and decided to look for
you… I was surprised to find you gone, but then I noticed the note you had
left.”
Jack puts his groceries on the
counter and nods. “I discovered that I lacked some things and decided to get
them while you were still asleep.” He turns around and looks a bit sheepishly
as he adds, “I didn’t know what you wanted for breakfast, so…”
I look at the groceries: he bought
almost everything you can imagine to go with breakfast – from cereal to bacon.
“Just get me some bread and jam, and I’ll be fine.” Jack puts everything we
need on the table and sits down.
“You made coffee…”
I arch an eyebrow and wonder about
the statement. “Do you want some?”
“Oh yeah…”
Jack remains seated though and I roll
my eyes. “Do you want me to get you some?”
“No, that’s not necessary! I can do
that myself!”
Suddenly Jack comes alive: he was in
thoughts probably when he mentioned me having made coffee. “Stay where you
are,” I tell him and get to my feet. “I’ll get it for you.” I don’t mind: he’s
doing a lot for me and I like doing something back. “Do you drink it black or
with milk and sugar?” Getting him his coffee will tell me how he likes it best.
“Just a little milk… But I can get it
and…”
I glare at him and it shuts him up –
good. I add the milk to his coffee, put a spoon in it and place it in front of
him. “I hope that’s fine.” Jack gives me the most adoring look ever and I
realize I made his day – in a very simple way. “Enjoy.”
“Thanks…”
Jack raises the mug, sips from it,
and reaches for the milk which I put on the table in case he wants more of it in his coffee. He puts the milk in his
bowl, adds a shitload of Cheerios to it, and buries everything beneath a
mountain of sugar. How can he possibly eat that? But Jack manages his breakfast
without any problems and empties the bowl. A satisfied expression appears on
his face as he continues to sip from his coffee.
“Jonne? I didn’t make any plans for
today… Maybe there’s something you want to do? I can show you the city, but I
reckon you’ve seen it many times before, so you might not be interested in that
and that’s fine of course…”
He’s rambling again. As he’s close
enough for me to touch him, I place a finger against his lips. It never fails
to shut up people and Jack grows quiet as well. “I’d love to do some
sightseeing, and it doesn’t matter if I’ve already seen it. It will be
different because you’ll be there, showing me.” Jack grows flustered; I hadn’t
realized how easily I can make him blush. “And tonight, when we get back we
will work on your songs.”
“I like you better each day,” Jack
quips.
Well, I’m not going to complain about
it – I want Jack to like me!
~~~
We eat our sugar-covered pastries
while sitting on the stairs near Helsinki’s white and green cathedral. Looking
out over Senator’s Square, we watch one bus after another drop of tourists,
which quickly take their pictures and then drive off to the next place of
interest.
“We’re kind of lucky,” Jack says.
“It’s not a busy day. On a bad day, they’ll trample on you to get their
picture.”
I tear a small piece of my strawberry
pastry and look at it. “Open up,” I tell Jack, who gives me a puzzled look. He
complies though and I shove it inside his mouth. Catching on at last, Jack
grins, and starts to chew. Jack sits in front of me and suddenly he leans back
against me. My knees are in the way though and I part my legs so he can move
closer against me. Jack rests his back against my abdomen and puts a hand on my
right knee. Staking his claim already? It didn’t take him long to do that. “Are
you comfortable?”
“Now I am… “ Jack cocks his head, and
by doing so, he can make eye contact. “Do you mind?”
“No, I don’t.” I know he will
withdraw if I tell him so and I don’t want that. I’m okay with it, and in a
way, I enjoy having him close. In order to show Jack that I’m serious, I wrap
an arm around his chest and pull him even closer. “We’re lucky that it doesn’t
rain today… I like sitting here and watching those mad tourists.” As long as
there are no mad fans about I’m perfectly fine sitting here.
“Oh, the weather can change within a
heartbeat,” Jack says. “The sun can be out one moment, and there can be a
thunderstorm the next. It’s because of the sea…”
I rest my chin on Jack’s head and
grin. “Does the sea call to you, Captain Jack?”
Jack chuckles loudly, but doesn’t
move his head.
“Actually, Sammy prides himself on
being the Captain.”
“Sammy can go to hell… You’re Captain
here…” Now Jack does move and cock his head. Looking at me, he raises his right
hand and caresses my face. The expression in his eyes tells me his heart’s
desire and I don’t want to deny him. So I lean in towards him and kiss him on
the lips. Jack’s breathing quickens and his right hand moves towards my neck,
where it settles, moving through my hair and probably messing it up.
Jack doesn’t want to let go and draws
out the kiss – I let him, but when I run out of breath, I pull away. Jack’s a
good kisser – I felt that kiss right down into my toes. I run my fingers
through his hair – messing it up in turn as revenge, and he probably regrets
letting me talk him into leaving his hat at home.
Jack doesn’t speak – he merely looks
at me with a particularly warm sensation in his eyes. He doesn’t need to tell
me how much he liked that kiss. I decide against talking as well and settle for
pulling him against me. Today is a good day and I’m going to enjoy it to the
fullest.
~~~
Jack’s in the living room and fine
tuning his guitars so we can work on his music, but before I join him, I need
to make some calls. I’ve been out of touch with Eero and Tommi and need to know
what’s going on. I decide to call Eero first as I’m most curious about the way
he’s dealing with Arttu and Antti.
I let the phone ring longer than I
usually would, knowing only too well that Eero might need a few minutes to
answer my call – especially when he’s caught up looking after Arttu.
“Eero here…”
Ah, he managed to get to his phone
relatively quick then! “It’s me, but you probably know that already.” My name
must have appeared on the display. “I was wondering how you’re doing – and
Arttu of course. How are things?”
Eero sighs and remains quiet for a
moment. “Honestly? Arttu is no problem at all. He sleeps all the time, and when
he does wake up, he takes his medication, has some soup, and goes back to
sleep. The real problem is Antti.”
“He’s driving you nuts,” I state –
knowing exactly what Antti’s like. “Can’t you get help? Someone who can deal
with Antti? Take him off your hands? Or you could move Arttu to our place.” The
moment I make that last suggestion, I realize that Antti would never go along
with it – he will want to remain close to his brother.
“Antti will never leave Arttu’s side
and you know it… No, I have to endure his madness,” Eero says in an overly
dramatic voice.
“Are you getting any studying done?
When is your test coming up again?”
“The test is on Monday, and yes, I’m
making progress. It helps that Arttu sleeps a lot.”
“And what does Antti do during
Arttu’s sleep?”
“He sits next to the bed and watches
Arttu sleep,” Eero sighs. “He’s even worse than me…”
“You’re doing great,” I tell Eero.
“And you’ll ace that test on Monday.”
“I hope so…” Eero grows quiet again.
“And how about you? Are you still in Helsinki with Jack?”
“Yeah, I’m still at his place…” I
wonder how much I should tell Eero, but then again, we’re brothers and I trust
him. “We spend a great day in the city today. Jack showed me about and now he’s
waiting for me to join him so we can work on his songs.”
“You like him – You like being there.
That’s good, Jonne… That’s good.”
“I like him, yes… I like him a lot…
And he’s in love with me, Eero. He’s been in love with me for quite some time…I
decided to give us a chance…”
“That’s the best decision you could
have made, Jonne. When you told me about Christus at the beach house in Oulu, I
wished for something like this to happen. I want you to be happy too, and if
Jack’s the person to accomplish this, I’d be happy about it.”
I expected Eero to react like that so
I’m not surprised. “I’m staying until Saturday – then I’m taking the train
home… I can drop by and take Antti off your hands for some hours.”
“Yes, please do!”
I smile, regardless of the fact that
Eero can’t see it. “Hang in there, Eero… Keep studying and ignore Antti if you
can.”
“I’ll do my best…have fun with Jack!
I’ll see you on Saturday then! Bye, Jonne!”
“Bye, Eero…”
I end the call and access Tommi’s
number. One down, one to go.
“Jonne? What’s wrong?”
I roll my eyes at Tommi’s typical
reaction – he still expects me to end up in trouble. “Nothing’s wrong… I just
wanted to check on you… How are you doing, Tommi?”
“You’re calling me at this late hour
to ask me how I’m doing?”
I check the time. “Tommi, it’s only
eleven PM!”
“Decent people are in bed at that
time!”
“You’re not decent people and neither
am I.” I chuckle though, catching on that he’s teasing me. “Did you already
pack for Oulu? When does your flight leave?”
“Tomorrow at two PM, but I’m thinking
about cancelling the flight. I don’t feel comfortable leaving with Arttu being
bedridden and Eero nursing him. I should stick around and help.”
“No, Tommi, you’re not doing that! If
you do, I’ll tell Eero to kick your ass in my name! You must go to Oulu! Eero
doesn’t want you to cancel your trip either. Tommi, fly to Oulu… I’ll be back
on Saturday and will keep an eye on Eero, but honestly, I talked to him just
now and he’s got everything under control.”
“I’m not so sure about… Antti’s being
a nuisance.”
“You’re right about that, but Tommi,
Antti’s always a nuisance… And I trust Eero to handle him… Eero has changed: he
can deal with this, Tommi. We need to have faith in him and stop mothering
him.”
“Maybe you’re right, but… I feel
responsible for him… Jonne, I failed him once before.”
“Tommi, if it makes you feel better
visit them tomorrow before you leave for the airport, but please, go to Juha.
You need time off too. And please, Tommi, put your trust in Eero. He won’t let
you down.” I do hope I’m getting through to him.
“All right… I’ll drop by at their
place and then decide if I’m flying to Oulu or not…”
It’s the best I can do – I know that
much. Tommi is stubborn like hell when he’s gotten something into his head.
“Yeah, do that and you’ll see that Eero’s got everything under control. Go to
bed, Tommi… You sound tired.”
“I will… Are you staying with Jack?
Or did you check into a hotel?”
“I’m staying with Jack… And no, I’m
not fucking him! He sleeps on the couch and I got the bed… So stop thinking
stuff like that!”
“Well, at least my comment made you
go to Helsinki! But fine, I’ll shut up and get my mind out of the gutter… Sleep
tight, Jonne.”
“Tommi, text me once you know what
you’ll do – if you go to Oulu or not… I want to know.” Maybe I will be able to
change his mind in time for him to make his flight if he decides against going.
“I will… Bye, Jonne…”
“Bye, Tommi… Love you…” I end this
call as well and put my phone onto the kitchen table. I love my brothers, but
damn, we’re a messed up family.
“Hey, are you going to join me
tonight?” Jack leans against the doorway and looks at me hopefully. “I want to
spend time with you too…”
“Oh Jack…” I get to my feet, make my
way over to him, and wrap an arm around his shoulder. “You have my company for
the rest of the night if you can stay awake that long!”
“I can try…”
Jack’s reply makes me smile – yes, he
will fight to stay awake for as long as possible, simply because he wants to be
close to me…
TBC
Part 9
I carry out Jonne’s advice and decide
to visit Eero and Arttu before I make up my mind about going to Oulu. Jonne
thinks that Eero has everything under control, but I’m not that sure. I doubt
Arttu will give him problems: he’s happy to be asleep in bed, but Antti is a
different matter.
I didn’t call Eero in advance, as I
want to find out what life’s really like at the Aatamila household and if Eero
can handle the situation or not. Ringing the door bell, I wait for someone to
answer and let me in.
“Who are you?”
I roll my eyes at hearing Antti’s
typical reply. “It’s me, Tommi.”
“Tommi? What are you doing here so
early in the morning?”
“It’s not that early, Antti. He’s
already ten AM. So what’s the deal? Are you going to let me in or not? It’s
raining, Antti, in case you hadn’t noticed and I’m getting wet.” Antti remains
quiet, but then the buzzer tells me that he has unlocked the door. I step into
the main hall and head for the door to Antti’s apartment. I have to press the
button again, because he didn’t open it yet. “Antti, move it!”
“Be nice to me or I won’t let you
in!” Antti threatens upon opening the door. He still blocks the entrance and
gives me a dirty look. It looks like I woke him as he’s merely wearing one of
Arttu’s T-shirts.
“That’s not your size,” I pester him
back. Two can play this game.
“Shut the fuck up, Tommi…” Antti
steps to the side, turns, and heads for the kitchen, leaving me standing there
in the hallway.
“Such a warm welcome,” I call out
after Antti, who promptly shows me his bony middle finger. I walk into the
living room, in search of Eero, but he isn’t there. In that case, he’s probably
still in the bedroom with Arttu and I knock on the door. I don’t want to walk
in on them like that. “Eero? Are you in there? It’s me, Tommi.” I look over my
shoulder and notice the large number of books on the coffee table; looks like
Eero’s still studying to pass his test.
“Yeah, give me a moment…”
He sounds preoccupied and I hope I
didn’t disturb an intimate moment. “I’ll be in the kitchen… Harassing Antti.”
“Thanks, Tommi… I’ll join you in a
few minutes.”
Eero sounds calm and in control of
the situation so I head for the kitchen instead. Antti sits at the kitchen
table, sipping black coffee which has a strong aroma. Smells perfect and I get
me some. “You look tired,” I notice as I sit down opposite him. Antti *does*
look tired. “Aren’t you getting enough sleep?”
“With Arttu being in pain? How do you
expect me to sleep when he’s hurting?”
Antti sounds angry and I realize I’ve
addressed a sensitive issue. “Antti, exhausting yourself won’t help Arttu get
better. You need to take care of yourself as well. Give Arttu and Eero some
time and space to breathe… Don’t hover all the time. Arttu’s safe in bed and
will recover little by little. Don’t make things worse.” I expect Antti to
verbally lash out at me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks at me thoughtfully.
“Maybe you’re right,” he admits and
sighs. “Eero got pissed off yesterday and yelled at me… He made me go to bed
and sleep…”
I can’t hide a smile at hearing that.
Maybe Jonne’s right and Eero does have the situation under control. “You should
listen to him.” Antti nods and I notice the way his eyes start to close. “Why
don’t you go back to bed and sleep some more? You’re still tired.”
“Maybe I will…”
Antti remains quiet after that –
which is rather atypical for him. I’m not complaining though – a quiet Antti is
the best Antti as far as I’m concerned.
“I’m sorry you had to wait, but I was
helping Arttu in the bathroom,” Eero explains as he steps into the kitchen.
I study him while he sits down and am
surprised to see that he looks calm and rested – contrary to Antti. “Looks like
you have everything under control.”
Eero nods. “After banishing Mr.
Blabbermouth to his bedroom, I did!” One look at Antti tells me that he wants
to protest, but he swallows his comment when Eero glares at him. “It took me a
while to get him to listen, but I think we know where we stand now.”
I’m impressed: I really am. I’ve seen
Jonne handle Antti in the past, but I hadn’t thought Eero had it in him as
well. “Does that mean you don’t need me to stay? Because I’m here to offer my
help.”
Eero’s eyes narrow and a suspicious
look appears in his eyes. “Aren’t you leaving for Oulu today? You’re going to
stay with Juha for the weekend, or am I wrong?”
I decide to be honest. “That was my
original plan, but I can change it. If you need me, I’ll stay.” Eero’s
expression tells me that it’s not going to happen though – he isn’t going to
accept my offer.
“Screw it, Tommi! You’re not going to
worsen the situation by staying here. I can deal with Antti, you saw that.
Arttu’s asleep and not a bother. I’m actually ahead of my studies and I get
lots of sleep because Arttu sleeps through the night. You’re not going to ruin
that. You’re leaving for Oulu!”
He’s getting keyed up about telling
me off and I can’t help but grin at Eero. Jonne was right: Eero has changed
since the four of us got together. I should better stay quiet about it, but
Eero starts to look and act more like me each day. He has gained weight and I’d
swear he’s grown! It’s just my imagination of course, but still.
“Why are you grinning like that?”
Eero cocks his head.
“I merely thought that you’ve
changed, Eero… And I like it… You’re assertive and take control… You would
never have done so a year ago.”
Eero frowns and his eyes take on a
distant expression. “Do you really think so?”
I nod. “I do, Eero… And if you take
the time to look at yourself, you’ll realize I’m right.”
“He has got a point,” Antti says
suddenly. “You have changed… You’d never have bullied me in the past.”
Eero remains thoughtful and his frown
deepens. “Do you mind me bullying you?” he asks Antti in a soft and uncertain
voice.
“No, not at all,” Antti says with a
smile. “I like this new and improved version of you, Eero.”
“Okay…” Eero says ponderingly. “I
never noticed it myself…”
“Don’t you need to get going, Tommi?
You *do* want to catch your plane, don’t you? Please…. Get out of here!” Antti
raises an arm and tries to shoe me from the kitchen table. “Move it.”
Looks like they don’t want me around,
and although I didn’t expect Eero to tell me to leave, I will comply. Why?
Because I believe he’s in control of the situation. This means I had better
head home, pack a bag, and check in for the flight.
~~~
I sit down on a chair and wait for Finnair to open their service counter. I turned up too
early, because I drove here like mad. Waiting, I get bored, and uncover my cell
phone. It seems like I have two messages.
*Hey, Tommi, how late does your
flight land exactly? I’ll pick you up at the airport! Love you, Juha.*
A smile forms on my face and I text a
reply; *I’ll land around three thirty… Am looking forward to seeing you again…*
I press send and draw in a deep breath. In a way, it feels surreal that I’m
meeting up with Juha again. Even though our relationship grows stronger with
each visit, I’m still afraid it might end abruptly.
The second message is from Jonne,
which I should have known. I didn’t text him as he had asked and probably wants
to find out this way.
*Tommi, tell me you’re going or else
I need to find someone to kick your ass onto the plane.*
Yeah, that’s Jonne all right. I
refuse to let him ruffle my feathers though. *I’m at the airport, waiting for
check in to open… Satisfied?*
I put away my phone and get in line
to check in. Once I’m also through the security check, I look for a quiet spot
in the waiting area. My phone alerts me that I’ve received another message.
*They fixed my car, so I can drive us
home… Do you mind having lasagna this evening? I just bought all ingredients.
Have a safe flight – love, Juha.*
*Thanks, and lasagna is just fine…
Love, Tommi.* I chuckle when I send that message. I sound like a love-sick
teenager. I never was one though – too many bad experiences.
I put away the phone and get out the
newspaper I bought earlier. Boarding should start within the next fifteen
minutes, so I had better use my time well.
~~~
I’m always happy when I’ve got solid
ground under my feet again. I descend the staircase and walk toward the small
airport building. Looks like Oulu’s airport is just as small as Tampere’s!
I get my luggage and am happy it
traveled along with me. It wouldn’t be the first time my luggage got lost. I
look about once I’m near the exit and search for Juha. I don’t see him at
first, but then someone waves at me and comes running toward me. A moment
later, someone’s hugging me tight – someone with red hair – not the black I was
looking for.
I blink in surprise, but when I
recognize Juha’s green eyes, I realize the mistake I made. “Your hair,” is all
I manage.
“Yes, I dyed it! The black was
getting boring! Do you like it?”
It doesn’t matter much what color his
hair is, but if he likes it better this way, I’m fine with it. “Looks great…
You fooled me though – I was looking for black hair – not a redhead!” Juha’s
all smiles and I can tell he’s really happy about the change.
“I can wear a wig, if you want that,”
Juha jokes. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me outside. “That’s my
car over there! My baby!”
Why am I not surprised to see him
point at a red car? “You’re rather fond of red, aren’t you?” Juha grins and
nods. I don’t mind though.
~~~
Being back at Juha’s place feels
good. I like his apartment, and even more, his roof garden. “They fixed almost
everything.” The garden is almost back to its original state.
“Some plants couldn’t be replaced…
That’s why there are some empty spots, but they got plans to fill them up with
other plants.” As I’m looking out of the window, my back’s turned toward Juha,
who takes advantage of the situation by wrapping his arms around my waist. He
rests his upper body against my back and sighs contently. “I’m glad you’re
back. The place didn’t feel the same after you had left.”
I cover Juha’s hands with mine and
rub his fingers. “Trust me, I’m happy to be back.” I turn in the embrace until
I face him and study his eyes. “Juha, I’m not sure I can do this in the long
run. I missed having you close during the week and now that I’m here, I hate
the thought of having to leave again on Monday.”
“Then don’t think about it yet,” Juha
advices. “We can sit outside for a while, maybe it will help you relax… Later
on, I’ll try not to burn the lasagna and we’ll do whatever you want.”
“Whatever I want? That’s a quite a
promise you’re making…” I raise an arm, caress his face, and allow for my
fingers to slide through his hair.
“I’m not worried,” Juha replies. “I
doubt you’ll want to fuck… which is what I would do… Knowing you, you’ll want
to sit outside and stare at me!”
He might be right about that! “Well,
I like to look at you.”
Juha however snorts at hearing that.
“Tommi, you can look at me and touch me at the same time!”
“You’re pushy,” I say teasingly. I
open the balcony doors, and although it’s chilly outside, I want to sit on the
bench and relax. Right here, in Juha’s presence and in his little jungle, I can
let go and be me.
“Not there…” Juha says as I head for
the bench. “I’ve got something new and I think you’ll love it.”
Curiously I follow him and stare at
the giant hammock in the corner. “When did you put that up?”
“My father did the other day… Do you
like it?”
“Oh yes, I definitely do, but do you
think it can sustain our weight?” It looks sturdy, hooked up to the wall, but I
remain on my guard. I’m no lightweight and neither is Juha.
“I wouldn’t worry about it…” Juha
slips into the hammock and grins diabolically. “Or are you afraid we’ll crash
into the ground?”
Honestly? I’m worried, yes, but I
won’t tell Juha that because he’s going to laugh at me. Cautiously, I lower
myself into the hammock, but I didn’t count on Juha. He pulls at me and I
tumble against him. Thankfully the hammock doesn’t collapse and sustains our
weight. Juha pushes and pulls at me until he’s resting comfortably.
It’s a bit chilly and I can’t help
shivering against Juha. His reaction is swift and effective; he reaches beneath
him and uncovers a thick fleece blanket. I chuckle. “You’re well prepared!”
“I was out here yesterday and
realized it was growing colder and so I got out the blanket…” Juha covers us
and then settles down again. “It’ll grow dark shortly… Summer’s almost over and
then winter will come back.”
Actually, I like winter, and this
year, things will be different again. Last year, Eero joined the family – and
later on Arttu, after a fashion. Hopefully this year, we can welcome Juha into
the family. Suddenly, I think of something and though I feel a bit foolish
about asking him this early, I still do. “Juha, would you like to spend
Christmas in Tampere with me and my brothers?”
“You’re planning ahead!” Juha
chuckles and turns toward me so we can look at each other. “Let’s wait and see…
My parents count on me being there on Christmas Eve… My mother wouldn’t like it
if I went missing.”
“Maybe you can join me on the
twenty-fifth of December? That way you can spend time with your family and I
don’t have to be with you during Christmas.”
“That might work,” Juha says and
nods. “But it’s still months until Christmas and a lot can happen in that
time.”
“Maybe you’ll have moved to Tampere
by then.” Damn, that was a slip of the tongue and I offer Juha an apologetic
smile. “Sorry, I’m going too fast.”
“Normally you accuse me of rushing
things…”
The fact that Juha’s smiling
reassures me; it’s time to change the subject though. “Didn’t you promise me
food? Lasagna, if I remember correctly?”
“Yeah, I did… Are you hungry?” I nod
and Juha leans in closer to kiss me on the lips. “In that case, we should move
this to the kitchen…”
~~~
I watch Juha layering the lasagna and
am overcome by a sense of peace and rightness. I’ve never had the chance to be
much of a homely fellow. I’m on the road most of the time and to be spending
time like this is new to me. Having someone like Juha in my life is new to me.
Juha puts the dish into the oven and
then he turns toward me. I raise an arm and invite him over. He accepts, walks
over to me, and promptly straddles my lap – the imp. I move a strand of red
hair behind his ear and study him.
“Why are you looking at me like
that?”
“I’m trying to figure you out, but
I’m afraid I’ll fail miserably… In a way, you’re a riddle to me, Juha.”