Title: Hand On Heart

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Pairing: Eero/Arttu

Rating: NC-17

Summary: The four Liimatainen brothers go on a break and Jonne works on getting Eero to trust Tommi.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended.

All mistakes are mine.

Hand On Heart
A promise, a word and a voice
Hand On Heart
A rhythm of hope and a vision of choice
Hand On Heart
Promising, I'll never go.
Hand On Heart
For reasons you'll never know

Part 1

How did they manage to talk me into this? And why did I let them get away with it? Basically it’s Jonne’s fault – he made me do this! When he turns this certain look toward me, I simply can’t deny him and that’s why I am stuck in this car with my three half-brothers – or, according to Jonne, brothers – period. He refuses to treat me any different than he would Ville or Tommi.

“Eero, what’s going on? I’ve seen that look on your face before and usually it means that you’re worried.”

Jonne, who sits next to me, elbows me in my side to ensure that he has my full attention. I cast a quick glance at Tommi, who sits in front of me. His head has moved to the side and his eyes have closed. He appears asleep. Well, he’s allowed to rest – he drove for four hours and now it’s Ville’s turn to keep his eyes on the road.

“Eero? Did you hear me?”

Jonne sounds worried and that is a bad thing, as I don’t want him to pry deeper. “I’m fine…”

“I don’t believe you!”

Jonne pokes me in my side for a second time. “Jonne, we have been stuck in this car for four hours now! Can you blame me for feeling stressed?” We paused two hours ago, but I yearn to stretch my legs again. Maybe my reply i’s diversion enough and it will satisfy Jonne’s curiosity.

“We will stop in fifteen,” Ville calls out to the back. “We will reach a restaurant shortly and we can grab a bite to eat there. And let’s not forget – coffee!”

I can tell by the way Jonne looks at me, that he doesn’t believe my explanation. He will continue to question me, should he get the chance to be alone with me and I make a mental note to stick close to Ville during our stop.

“Jonne, why did you have to book a holiday home at the other side of the country? There must be resorts closer to Tampere!” Ville quickly looks at Jonne from over his shoulder. “What the hell made you book a cabin in fucking Oulu?”

“I wanted to get away from Tampere,” Jonne says calmly. “I want to immerse us in a different environment – away from the music scene, fans, and our obnoxious friends. I thought it would make you happy, but all you do, is nag!”

Closer examination tells me that neither Jonne, nor Ville, are really irritated. Those two love to verbally banter. I’m more like Tommi in that way – at times, I tease them back, but most of the time, I act seriously – like Tommi. That thought causes my gaze to return to my oldest brother. He appears asleep, but I don’t buy it. I bet two hundred euro that he’s faking it.

Tommi’s the reason why I don’t feel comfortable with the situation. Jonne probably knows what’s wrong, but he doesn’t want to call me on it in Tommi’s presence. I know that Tommi isn’t happy about the situation either. He thinks it’s because he yelled at me in the past, when I had fucked up things with Heijaste – or when he had come to Jonne and had called me a loser, something which I had overheard. And maybe that is a part of it, but it isn’t the main reason why I keep him at a distance.

Tommi is the tallest and bulkiest of my brothers and that in itself intimidates me. But there is another reason, one, which I hid from myself for a long time. Only therapy made me admit it. Tommi’s stature and the way he ties back his hair reminds me of my foster-father, the man who abused me and tried to rape me. Subconsciously I fear Tommi because of that. I didn’t realize it at first, but my therapist confronted me with that fact the other day. I fled into denial at first, but it’s coming to the surface again and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my fears from my brothers.

Jonne already knows that something is wrong and it won’t be long until Ville and Tommi realize the same thing. I doubt I can talk my way out of it, as Jonne will realize I am lying. Tommi might let me get away with it, because he doesn’t want me to feel intimidated, but Ville will also want to know what’s going on. And once Jonne and Ville combine their powers of persuasion I won’t stand a chance.

“You’re not off the hook yet,” Jonne says as he curls his fingers around my hand. “We *will* discuss this later.”

I would have been surprised if Jonne had let the matter go. I nod, but hope he won’t get a chance to question me.

“There’s the restaurant,” Ville calls out enthusiastically. “Tommi, wake up! Coffee time!”

Tommi opens his eyes, squeezes them half-shut again in protest, and takes in Ville’s expression. “When did you turn into a coffee junkie?”

“When I stopped drinking alcohol and now be nice for a chance, Tommi!” Ville parks the car, opens the door, and stretches his legs. “Freedom!” Ville gets to his feet, throws his arms in the air, stretches again, and sniffs the air. “I smell coffee!”

Tommi appears equally relieved to be out of the car. He moves about and yawns. Jonne is next to leave the car and then I join them as well. It feels good to have my freedom back. I love all three of them, including Tommi, but spending hours in that small car is enough to make me nervous.

Tommi looks at us from over his shoulder. “I need coffee… Let’s get some. Are you two tagging along or do you want us to bring something back?”

Jonne and I speak simultaneously. “We will wait for you here,” Jonne says, while a, “I’ll tag along,” leaves my lips. Sorry, Jonne, but I won’t make this easy on you. I know you’re dying to interrogate me!

Tommi gives me an odd look, one which turns even more puzzled, when I march ahead toward the restaurant. I don’t want to eavesdrop, but I still hear their exchange.

“Jonne, what’s going on with Eero?” Tommi wants to know.

“I don’t know… That’s why I want to talk to him, but he is running away.”

Either they stopped talking, or I moved out of hearing range, but suddenly it’s silent behind me. I enter the restaurant, which has a self service buffet, and wait for Tommi and Ville to join me, as Tommi has the fucking wallet.

“Eero?” Ville appears beside me and rests his hand upon my shoulder. I’m glad it’s Ville and not Tommi. “What’s wrong?” Ville frowns and I can tell he’s worried.

I shake my head. “Ville, I can’t talk about it – not right now. Give me some space, please?” I need to keep this from them. I would hurt Jonne and Ville, and devastate Tommi, should my oldest brother ever find out why I’m scared of him. Ville squeezes my shoulder and then his hand drops lower until he can take mine in his.

Tommi moves along the buffet and puts coffee and sandwiches onto his tray. When he gets closer to the register, he looks at us and asks, “Do you want anything else?”

Ville pulls me along to the buffet and grabs four bars of chocolate. “We need sugar too!”

“Do you want anything, Eero?” Tommi looks at me expectedly. “Anything?”

What does he want me to say? I search the buffet and grab a box of Salmiakki. “Maybe we’ll need salt too?” Apparently it was the right thing to do, as Tommi grins at me.

“Good thinking,” Tommi compliments me while he pays for everything.

I know what he’s trying to do – he wants me to feel good and safe around him. It makes me wonder how much Tommi knows about my fears. I told him bits and pieces, but I kept the painful things to myself. He can’t know why I have such a hard time letting him in.

I follow Tommi and Ville back to car. I fall behind and watch them – they interact so easily, but then again, that’s natural. Ville has no reason to be apprehensive around Tommi. Tommi *is* his hero – his big brother.

I cringe at seeing Jonne standing there, leaning against the car. The look in his eyes tells me that I’m in trouble. He probably feels like I no longer trust him, but Jonne, I do trust you. However, I can’t share this secret with you.

“We brought back, coffee, sandwiches, chocolate, and Salmiakki! We are all set!” Tommi announces happily as he gets into the car again. “How much longer until we reach our destination, Ville?”

Tommi motions for Jonne to get back onto the backseat, and after Jonne sits down, I slide into place beside him.

“According to our navigation we should be there in fifty-five minutes. Sounds good!” Ville grabs a coffees and sips. “I hope this holiday home is worth it,” he says, directing the comment at Jonne.

“You will love it there… It has a beach; you can hike and jog… All the insane things you love doing since you joined the army!”

Jonne smiles and even winks at me. It appears that he’s no longer cross with me, for which I’m grateful. I always feel guilty when I disappoint him.

“And the best thing is,” Tommi adds in-between drinking his coffee, “that the weather will be great this weekend!” He chuckles softly. “You have great foresight, Jonne, booking that cabin for the one week in which Finland experiences a heat wave!”

“That’s why I went shopping and bought swimming trunks.” Jonne looks smug. “Just wait until you see what colors they are!”

Tommi sighs, trying to appear distraught, but fails to pull it off. “I refuse to wear pink though!”

Jonne remains quiet, but grins menacingly. It makes me hope mine won’t have bunnies or other cartoon figures on them.

~~~

Ville drives up to the cabin which is situated near the beach. I must admit that Jonne picked a wonderful spot, but it’s a pity that we had to drive for so many hours to get here.

“Well, is it worth the ride?” Jonne appears smug and grins. “Look at the spot! It’s perfect!”

Ville stops the car, parks it, and opens the door. “I must admit it looks damn good.” Ville looks about and takes in his surroundings. “And it’s hot! Even up here!”

Tommi walks up to Ville and joins him in scanning the beach. “We can play soccer if we want – later.”

“I wouldn’t mind moving a bit, but let’s get the suit cases inside first!” Ville turns around and gestures for Jonne and me to get out of the car. “I’m not dragging your suit case inside, Jonne. That monster’s is solely yours!” Jonne sticks out his tongue at Ville and then climbs out of the car to collect his pink monster.

I‘m last to leave the car and pick up the bag I brought along. We will be here for only five days, so I didn’t bring along my closet, like Jonne did. Ville and Tommi also packed light. Jonne struggles to pull along his suitcase and instead of helping him, Tommi and Ville chuckle in amusement. I can’t stand by and watch Jonne struggle, so I walk over to him and help him. Jonne raises his head and gives me a smile that makes me blush.

“They’re cute together, don’t you think?” Ville says as he falls into step beside Tommi.

I ignore the comment, but Jonne shows them his middle finger, and though I’m getting used to their ways, I still find it hard to tell teasing from anger. In my heart I know that Tommi, Ville, and Jonne will never be really mad with each other, but sometimes, I wonder if no one ever feels hurt because of the way they interact.

“They’re just teasing us,” Jonne says after catching my gaze. “You know what they’re like –they have a big mouth and an even bigger heart.”

“Thanks,” I mouth. Thanks for reminding me, Jonne.

Jonne uncovers the key and unlocks the door. He throws it open and steps inside. “Welcome! This will be your home for the next few days!” Jonne drops his suitcase in the middle of the hallway and steps aside to let us pass.

“Looks comfortable…” The cabin *does* look comfortable with the huge amount of wood worked into the ceiling. A look into the living room shows two comfortable couches and the kitchen turns out to be well-equipped.

“Maybe the drive up here was worth it,” Ville comments after inspecting the ground floor. “We should get some groceries though before we get too comfortable.”

“We don’t need to – the cabin comes with filled cupboards and a well-stocked fridge.” Pleased with himself, Jonne drops onto one of the couches in the living room.

“Is there also a sauna?” Tommi inquiries with a hopeful look.

“Of course there is a sauna! Tommi, there’s always a sauna!” Jonne shakes his head and wags a finger at him. “And yes, we have indoor plumbing!”

Tommi laughs and picks up his bag again, which he had dropped onto the floor.”Where are the bedrooms, Jonne? I want to freshen up and change my clothes.” He looks about and spots the stairs.

“There are two bedrooms upstairs,” Jonne confirms. “I don’t mind which one you take.”

Two bedrooms? My thoughts start to race and I know I have to be quick before Jonne gets me into trouble again. “I will share with –“ I fail to finish my sentence though as Jonne speaks up louder.

“I’m sharing with Ville, so pick the room you like best, Tommi.”

I fucking knew it! I spin around and glare at Jonne, who gives me his deceptively sweet smile. It doesn’t fool me though. “Jonne!” Jonne however merely shrugs and that reaction gets to me. “Why?” I don’t care about Tommi and Ville’s presence. I want to know why Jonne is determined to make me share with Tommi.

Jonne pushes himself to his feet and walks over to me. Once he stands in front of me, he rests his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “Tommi and you need to work on your relationship and this is the perfect time and place for it. Trust me.”

“I don’t want to work on it – not right now.” Not now, because the past is way too close thanks to my last therapy session. I could do with a break from reality. “Please, Jonne…” Unexpectedly Tommi rests his hand on my arm and I fight to control my flight instincts.

“Eero? Look at me?”

Tommi turns me around and I draw in a deep breath in order to prepare myself to face him. It’s not that I fear Tommi himself – I’m afraid of the memories, which he awakens in me – those primal instincts that tell me to run.

“Jonne is right, Eero… I’m aware of your discomfort concerning me and we need to do something about it. I don’t want my youngest brother to feel intimidated around me.”

I feel guilty for making Tommi feel bad. “It’s nothing personal, Tommi. It’s not *you*.”

“Then what is it?”

Tommi gives me a pleading look, but I can’t tell him – I can’t. “It’s my past… It’s nothing you did, really.” Tommi searches my eyes for a few more seconds, but then he removes his hand and takes a step away from me. “Tommi, I want to make this work, really, but…” Can I do it? Am I strong enough to face that particular demon that has haunted me for more than ten years?

“Please share with me, Eero. It would give us a chance to get to know each other better and maybe we will find a way to make the trust grow. I don’t know why you don’t trust me, but I see it in your eyes.”

I lower my gaze and shuffle my feet as I feel caught. I don’t want to disappoint Tommi, but each time I look at him, I’m reminded of what happened at that foster-family. It’s not that I think that Tommi will ever hurt me—but he reminds me of how scared, shamed, and alone I felt back then.

“I’m going to hug you, Eero…”

The fact that Tommi needs to announce it, makes me feel like a complete loser. I move into his arms to show him that I want to be hugged and Tommi wraps his arms around me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into the hug.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Tommi whispers and squeezes lightly. “I love you anyway.”

“Family hug!” Ville announces as he pounces on us and does his best to wrap his arms around both of us.

“Not without me!” Jonne gets to his feet as well and joins in.

I smile happily. We might have our problems, but I couldn’t wish for better brothers and I love them all.

~~~

“What side of the bed do you want?”

Tommi stands in the doorway while I advance on the bed. I appreciate it that he gives me a choice in the matter, though it will make little difference what side I choose. In the end, I opt for the side further away from the doorway. “This side is fine with me.” I drop my bag onto it and draw in a deep breath. I hadn’t wanted to go on this holiday to begin with and now Jonne complicated matters further.

“I’ll take this side then!” Tommi drops his bag on the bed as well, opens it, and starts searching it.

I sit down on the chair in the corner of the room and watch him. What the hell is he looking for? The whole content of his bag is on the bed by now!

“Ah, there it is!” Tommi victoriously raises a white T-shirt. “It’s my favorite! I’ll be right back… Just need to freshen up and then we can head for the beach!”

Tommi disappears into the adjourning bathroom and I wonder what I got myself into. Going to the beach with Tommi? Hell no!

“Eero, are you decent?” Jonne chuckles as he knocks on the door.

“Of course I’m decent!” What kind of question is that? I get to my feet and open the door. Jonne already changed into a more comfortable look as he wears white swimming shorts and a gray T-shirt.

“These are yours!” Jonne giggles and throws something at me. “I hope you like yellow!”

Jonne hands me my swimming trunks and I stare at the awful yellow fabric. “You can’t be serious!”

“Come on, Eepi, play along! It’s almost thirty degrees out there and I want to go swimming!”

Jonne directs *that* look at me and I grow weak again. “Jonne…”

“Ville’s are green and Tommi’s red… Yellow isn’t that bad!” Jonne says, trying to convince me to give the swimming trunks a try.

In the end, I take hold of them, but I’m still not convinced I should do this.

“Jonne, where are my trunks? You said you had bought some!” Tommi left the bathroom and now heads for the doorway. “What horrible color did you get me?”

Tommi gives me a compassionate look as he sees the color my swimming trunks come in. He shivers and then faces his brother. “Please don’t let them be pink!”

“Surprise!” Jonne raises the swimming trunks and wags them in front of his older brother. “Bright red for you!”

“Jonne, that’s beyond all good taste!” Tommi’s features contort and it looks like he won’t take hold of them, but in the end, he pulls them from Jonne’s hand. “You only get away with this because it’s so fucking hot!” Tommi goes back into the bathroom and Jonne focuses his attention on me again.

“Try to have some fun today, Eero…” Jonne strokes my hair away from my face and gives me a brotherly smile. “I didn’t make you share with Tommi because I want you to feel bad. I did it because I think the two of you need to bond.”

“I know that…” That doesn’t make things easier though. I’m eager to change the subject and raise the swimming trunks to Jonne’s eyes. “Do you really expect me to wear these?”

“Yes, and I expect you to be ready in ten! Ville found some inflatable toys and he is dragging them down the beach. I think I saw a little sea horse in the mix.”

I can’t stay angry with Jonne for long and he knows it. “I will do my best. It depends though on how long Tommi plans to occupy the bathroom.”

“I’m ready! The bathroom is all yours!” Tommi appears again, wearing the horribly red swimming trunks, his favorite white T-shirt, and flip flops. “Get ready, Eero! I want to play beach ball!”

I exchange a look with Jonne and give him a wink. In spite of my fears, Tommi made me relax and smile. “Should I be scared?”

“Oh, yes, be scared! Very scared!” Tommi waves a finger at me and runs out of the door.

“What’s up with him?” I have never seen Tommi this excited.

“Tommi seldom goes on a holiday, but when he does, he tends to go all the way. You should prepare yourself for a very mellow Tommi. Oh, and be aware, he loves to play pranks if he gets a chance to do so! Now go and change! I will wait for you downstairs. Maybe we can talk during our walk to the beach.”

Damn, I had hoped he had forgotten about that! I nod and head toward the bathroom. Maybe if I stall and take my time getting changed, we will have to hurry and Jonne will forget about that talk – fat chance in hell though that will happen!

~~~

“What took you so long? We have to hurry! Ville is digging a pit in the beach and Tommi is trying to stop him. Those two will kill each other!” Jonne’s grin however tells me that everything is okay and that he merely tries to reassure me. “You look good in yellow! You have nothing to worry about!”

“I still don’t like the color though.” I try to hide my swimming trunks from view by wearing an oversized T-shirt. I feel a little bit embarrassed: I don’t feel confident merely wearing those shorts and I will keep the shirt on, no matter what! I will defend it to my last breath! Jonne moistens his lips and it looks like he wants to say something. He reconsiders though and takes hold of my hand instead.

“Did you hear from Arttu yet?” Jonne asks eventually.

“Not yet… We agreed to call during the night… He will call me at midnight.”

“How romantic,” Jonne sighs happily. “The two of you are a perfect match!”

“I’m happy about that too…” Jonne has a tight hold on my hand so I can’t get away from him and I follow him out the door as we head toward the beach. In the distance, I make out Tommi’s form. He chases Ville across the beach, screaming words, which I can’t understand. I don’t know why Jonne stays clear off questioning me, but I hope it will stay that way!

“For how long have you and Arttu been together now, Eero?”

Jonne’s question surprises me, but I quickly do the math and say, “Four months.” Four months of happiness, warmth, and fuzzy feelings.

“I can’t help but wonder,” Jonne says and turns his head toward me. “How far did the two of you go?”

I blush and turn crimson red. “Jonne, don’t ask me such questions!”

“But I’m curious! And as your older brother I need to know! In case you need advice!”

Instead of looking ashamed, Jonne looks smug. I had better answer his question, or he might end up calling Arttu instead. I would die of embarrassment if Jonne did that. “We kissed…” Jonne moves closer, releases my hand, and wraps an arm around me instead.

“You kissed… And that’s it?”

My blush deepens further. “Yes, that’s it. Why? Is it a bad thing?”

“No, it isn’t. Actually, I’m relieved. I worried you two would go too fast.”

“Considering my past, you mean.” I raise my head and look questioningly at Jonne.

“Yes, that too. But people in general move too fast in a relationship. Everyone should take their time to get to know the other and not just fuck around.”

That tells me how Jonne feels about being in a relationship. “Jonne, why are you single?”

“I’m lazy!” Jonne smiles, but I wonder about the lonely expression that shows in his eyes for one split second. “Having a boyfriend takes time and you need to put effort into it!”

“You’re not lazy in that way…Otherwise you wouldn’t have taken the time to get through to me!”

“Maybe…” Jonne points at Tommi who managed to wrestle Ville to the ground. “What do you think? It’s an unfair match… Shall we help?”

“And do what?” I reply, feeling rather puzzled.

“Well, team up against Tommi, of course!” Jonne grabs my hand again and starts running, dragging me along. “Let’s attack!”

TBC

Part 2

I stay clear of Tommi, while Jonne dives into the fight and attacks Tommi by tickling him. Tommi tries to fight off Jonne, but Jonne is quick and his hands are everywhere at the same time. Ville rolls away from Tommi to catch his breath, but then he sees me standing there and an evil smile spreads across his face. I quickly raise my arms and shake my head at him. I don’t know what he is up to, but he had better reconsider!

“Eepi…”

I know that tone of voice and back away from Ville. Whatever he is up to, I had better make sure there is some distance between us! Suddenly Ville jumps to his feet, attacks me, and throws me onto the sand. I try to get away from him, but he learned some evil tricks in the army and I don’t stand a chance. “Ville!”

Ville however, refuses to stop and all of a sudden we roll down the beach toward the water. “Ville, stop it! That water is freezing cold!” But Ville merely grins and rolls us into the water. The air might be thirty degrees, but the water isn’t! I yelp and try to throw him off, but Ville is always one step ahead of me and I can’t free myself. I continue to yelp and even call out to Jonne for help, but for the moment I’m on my own! “Too cold!”

“I should sign you up for the army, Eepi! They will make a man out of you!”

I can’t help bursting out into laughter. “Well, they failed with you!”

Ville gets an evil gleam in his eyes and I know I’m in trouble. “I didn’t mean it!”

“Too late! Jonne, I need your help! Our baby brother thinks he’s funny!”

“No, that isn’t fair!” But Jonne heard Ville’s cry for help and storms into the water. I didn’t expect him to do that, considering his hair will get wet and all that. “Jonne, don’t! I’m outnumbered!” Jonne doesn’t seem to care though. He splashes me and more cold water hits my head and chest. “You’re mean!”

“Need help?” Out of the blue Tommi appeared behind me and he wiggles his eyebrows at me. “I can free you of them!”

It might have started out as mere play, but Tommi’s offer is serious, and he’s offering more than just momentarily helping me –we both know it. He’s trying to bond with me – he wants to show me that I can count on him when I need help and that I should trust him. I have to make an important decision: either I accept Tommi’s help and start the bonding process, or I reject him. I remind myself that Tommi is my oldest brother and that I don’t want to reject him. I want him at my side instead. “Sure, help me! What the hell are you waiting for?” Jonne tries to pull me under – which would be an achievement as the water is only knee deep, but I have no desire to swallow water.

Tommi bends from the hip, pulls Ville off of me, carries him off, and drops him into slightly deeper water. Then he returns to help me and gives Jonne that certain look. “If you don’t want sand in all the wrong places, I suggest you let go of our Benjamin!”

Jonne seems to understand that Tommi means business and releases me. I cough; spit out the mouthful of water I swallowed, and point an accusing finger at Jonne. “That wasn’t fair!”

“Life at the Liimatainen household is never fair,” Jonne says sweetly. He sits upright and then pushes himself to his feet. “Life is great,” he exclaims and twirls around, only to be tackled by Ville, who managed to swim back.

“Hey!” Jonne uses Ville’s body to break his fall and elbows his younger brother in the side. “Don’t do that!” They start to wrestle again, but this time, they seem to forget about me – thankfully.

“Need another hand?”

Tommi extends his arm and offers to pull me to my feet. I nod and accept his offer. I get to my feet and feel incredibly small next to Tommi.

“Look at them! One would think they’re old enough not to get themselves into trouble!” Tommi laughs loudly.

Well, didn’t Tommi start this by chasing Ville across the beach? I keep quiet though, as I don’t want to ruin the moment.

“Want to go back and dry up? We brought some towels. We can lie down and let the sun dry our skin!”

As Tommi seems very much in favor of the idea, I nod to show I agree. I want to stay on his good side and make this work. If Jonne wants us to bond, I will try. I follow Tommi and take hold of the towel that he hands me. I put it onto the sand and sit down. “They’re still wrestling each other.”

Tommi sits down as well and uses another towel to dry his face. He reaches for his hair, removes the band that keeps his pony tail in place, and releases his hair, which is longer than I thought. I blink in surprise: Tommi looks different when he wears his hair open like that – very different. He no longer resembles my foster-father and I start to relax. Tommi gives me an odd look – did he notice the change in my mood?

“You can grow your hair too, if you want,” Tommi remarks.

The remark puzzles me, so I cock my head and frown. “And why would I want to do that?”

“It would look good on you and then I wouldn’t be the only one with such long hair!”

The conversation feels surreal, but then again, I seldom engage in small talk where Tommi is concerned. I gather my courage and draw in a deep breath. “I like that look on you – without the ponytail.” Maybe Tommi will realize it’s a hint and he won’t tie back his hair in the future. Tommi’s expression tells me that he got the hint, but I can also tell that he wonders why I like it better that way. He probably knows me well enough to realize that my comment has a deeper meaning. I avert my gaze and hope he won’t pry deeper.

“Hey, why did you leave the water?” Ville lowers himself onto a towel next to me and arches an eyebrow. “You do know we were just playing around?”

I smile at Ville. “Don’t worry, I know that, but the water was too cold for my taste.” A moment later, Jonne joins us at well. He spreads a towel onto the sand and lies down. Our peace doesn’t last long though as Ville pokes his finger into Jonne’s chest.

“What!”

“You’re forgetting something very important!” Ville throws Jonne a bottle of sunscreen. “Apply it – now! Or you will spend the next few days in the house, nursing painful sunburn!”

Jonne picks up the bottle and smears the substance thickly onto his skin. “Thanks,” he says and hands Ville the bottle. “Do my back?”

“Turn around…”

Jonne turns his back toward Ville and looks at me. He winks at me and I wink back to show him that I’m fine.

“I’m up next!” Ville announces and Jonne does Ville’s back as well.

“Do you need sunscreen too?”

I blink, as I didn’t expect Tommi’s question. Involuntarily, I nod. “My skin burns fast.”

“Runs in the family,” Tommi replies and uncovers another bottle from his bag.

I’m not prepared for what happens next. Suddenly Tommi’s hands rest on my back and they start spreading the sunscreen. I froze upon contact, and there is no way Tommi couldn’t notice it, but he continues to rub the substance onto my skin like nothing has happened. I force myself to focus on my breathing like my therapist had taught me. I’m not in any danger. Tommi is my brother and he’s merely putting sunscreen on my back. I’m no longer nine years old… I’m no longer a child… I am safe…Safe…

“Can you do my back in turn?”

Tommi’s voice pulls me from my entranced state and I nod quickly, as I don’t want to draw more attention to my condition. I’m sure they noticed – at least Jonne did, for he looks at me in concern. I tell myself to take hold of the bottle and I squeeze some of the sunscreen onto the palm of my hand. Tommi changes position and turns his back toward me now. Touching Tommi isn’t as bad as being touched for now I’m in control of the situation.

Control – and letting go of it is another thing my therapist wants me to work on. Therapy wasn’t so hard at the beginning, but now she’ digging deep and confronting me with certain behaviors, which I would rather deny I display. I’m not sure how I feel about digging deeper into my past. She says it will help me cope with the present and future, but so far, I haven’t noticed any improvements.

“Done!” I hand Tommi the bottle and stretch on my stomach. I rest my head on my arms and try to calm down. I need to get used to situations like this. I’m here with my brothers and they love me. I can relax and work on deepening our friendship – and that includes Tommi – *especially* Tommi.

“We shouldn’t stay out in the sun for too long,” Ville says thoughtfully. “I don’t want a repeat performance from when we went to Greece!”

“What happened in Greece?” My voice is nothing but a whisper as I don’t bother to lift my head.

“Jonne and I stayed out in the sun for too long. We ended up looking like lobsters… Though Jonne was off worse than me. His back, shoulders, arms, and the back of his legs got totally sunburned. He had to stay in his room for two days and could only lie on his front.”

“That was bad! Actually, thanks for reminding me!” Jonne slips into a T-shirt. “I might feel hot this way, but at least I won’t get burned that badly!”

I lift my head, realizing I won’t get any peace with those three around. Tommi checks the time on his wrist watch and frowns.

“It’s almost seven PM. Where did the time go? And why didn’t we have dinner yet?” Tommi slips into his shirt and rises from the sand. He blocks out the sun and I have instant shade – great! “I will head back to the house and get dinner started. Why don’t you join me in ten?”

“Fine with me,” Jonne comments, as he checks his skin for sun damage. “I don’t want to stay out here much longer anyway.”

Tommi walks away from us and heads for the house. It’s my cue to sit up and watch Ville and Jonne. “Jonne? Thank for taking us here. I’m sure we will have a great time.” I want Jonne to know that I appreciate what he did.

“Are you still angry with me for making you share with Tommi? I know you don’t like it, but it’s a great opportunity for the two of you to get to know each other better.”

“You’re right about that… I only wish it wasn’t so hard on me.” I give them an apologetic look.

“I know it’s is hard on you,” Ville says and rubs my arm. “I’m so damn proud of you for trying!”

Ville’s comment causes me to blush – again. I do that a lot lately. “I need time… But I want to make this work!”

“Eero,” Jonne says and leans in closer. “If you can’t deal with sharing a room with Tommi, I will switch with you. Just tell me.”

“Your offer means a lot to me, Jonne, but let me try first… I want to do this…” Now that I have had the time to think about it, I realize that I don’t want to feel scared around Tommi. He is my oldest brother and he has shown me that he wants to be there for me, even protect me. I need to give him a fair chance… I need to give *us* a fair chance!

~~~

We carry half the beach inside with us, spreading sand everywhere as we drop off our towels. While Tommi prepares dinner in the kitchen – and whistles along to some song playing on the radio – I make good use of my time and shower quickly. It’s great to rid myself of the sand and I slip into faded jeans and a T-shirt. After running my fingers through my hair, I head for the kitchen.

When I get there, I find that I’m the first to arrive. I draw in a deep breath and head toward Tommi, who stirs a sauce. “Can I help?” Tommi looks at me from over his shoulder and nods.

“You can get plates and utensils. We’re having pasta!”

I remove four plates and get out spoons, forks, and knives. “Glasses too?” Tommi nods and I place those onto the kitchen table as well. “Drinks?”

“I found water, orange juice, and wine in the fridge. Let’s forget about the wine and just get the water and juice,” Tommi suggests.

I know that Tommi drinks no alcohol, so I understand where the comment is coming from. I comply and leave the wine bottle in the fridge. “Anything else we need?”

“We’re ready to eat… You can kick our brothers’ asses if they’re not here in five.”

I sit down and watch Tommi drain the pasta. He wears his hair open still and I can’t get over the difference it makes. I actually relax around him.

Tommi looks at me and grins. “You seem more relaxed. Is there a special reason for that?”

Should I tell him the truth or feed him lies? Telling the truth might lead to more questions, but I’m done with lying. I don’t want lies to come between us and I can always tell him to stop if his questions probe too deeply. “I like it when you don’t tie back your hair. You look different when you wear your hair open.”

Tommi frowns and his lips move as if he wants to say something, but in the end, he merely nods. He whistles along to the radio and keeps an eye on the door. There’s no sign of either Ville or Jonne though and I can tell that Tommi grows impatient. After another minute passed by, Tommi heads for the doorway, and calls out, “Ladies, if you don’t get your asses in here right now, Eero and I will eat all the food!”

His action takes me aback – mostly because of the volume, as Tommi has a very overpowering voice, but then I manage a smile. Tommi’s action works, as I hear footfalls on the stairs. They’re running downstairs.

“Don’t you dare eat our food! We’re hungry too!” Ville enters the kitchen first and heads for the table. He sits down, grabs his fork and spoon, and repeatedly bangs them onto the table. “Feed me!”

Tommi shakes his head and exchanges a look with Jonne, who sits down quietly next to me. He looks tired and I suspect he will end up playing couch potato later.

“Pasta for everyone!” Tommi announces as he puts the pasta and sauce onto our plates. “Help yourself to the grated cheese and we have water and orange juice – and no alcohol!” He looks sternly at Ville, who merely shrugs.

“Is there any non-alcohol free beer in the fridge?” Jonne asks and uses his fork to mix the sauce with the pasta. “Because if there is none, no one will get any drinks.”

Tommi raises a finger at Jonne. “Ville isn’t getting any anyway, and you, you only get one!”

Jonne acts insulted and gives Tommi the evil eye. “I don’t need one!”

“Then why ask? Start eating instead!” Tommi puts a mountain of grated cheese upon his pasta, barely leaving any for us. Ville reacts instantly and uses his fork to scrap the cheese off Tommi’s pasta. Tommi tries to fend off the attack with his knife, but Ville is faster.

“Kids, behave!” Jonne shakes his head in disapproval, but a second later, he grins broadly.

“Like that will ever happen,” Tommi says in a sarcastic tone, but there is also a smile on his lips.

“The pasta tastes good.” Maybe I can stop them from bantering and steer our dinner into calmer waters.

“I’m glad you approve!” Tommi wraps the spaghetti around his fork and loudly sucks the strings into his mouth, at which Jonne rolls his eyes.

“What did you plan for the evening, Jonne?” Ville finished his serving and pushes the plate away. He has a contented look on his face and rubs his abdomen. “Damn, that was good.”

“I’ll stretch out on the couch and watch television. I’m tired…” Jonne stops eating and shakes his head. “That was way too much food!”

I feel a little bit disappointed. I had hoped we would go outside again. It’s still sunny and warm, and I would love to go for an evening stroll on the beach, but if Jonne wants to watch television, we will.

“You don’t look tired to me,” Tommi says, addressing me. “Do you want to go outside instead?”

I’m not sure I should say yes and look at Jonne. “I can stay here and watch television with you.”

Jonne blinks, shakes his head, and says, “Hey, there’s no reason for you to stay with me! I’ll be fine! You can go outside and let Tommi and Ville harass you! Don’t come running for help to me later though,” he adds with a grin.

Ville reacts enthusiastically. “Yes, let’s go for a walk!”

“Let’s do the dishes first,” Tommi decrees. “And then we can explore the beach some more.”

I cast another look at Jonne to make sure he’s okay with the situation. Jonne catches on, smiles, and nods. “Go on, Eero. Really… You don’t need to babysit me.”

I grow flustered. “I didn’t mean it like that. I merely don’t want you to feel lonely.”

“I know that, dummy,” Jonne whispers and stretches. “Tommi, if it’s okay with you I’ll make breakfast in the morning and skip doing the dishes now.”

“That’s fine with me!” Tommi pushes back his chair, gets to his feet, and collects the dirty dishes. I follow him to the sink and while Tommi does the washing up, Ville and I dry the dishes. Once we’re done, Tommi collects his sneakers from upstairs and I slip into the living room to check on Jonne. Jonne made himself comfortable on the couch and stretched on his side.

“He’s asleep already,” Ville whispers, who appeared next to me. “He always needs a few days to recover from a series of gigs. It’s nothing to worry about.”

I trust Ville to know Jonne best and turn toward him. “We should let Jonne sleep then.” To my surprise, Ville curls his fingers around mine and pulls me along. Tommi is on the veranda, already waiting for us.

“Let’s go for that walk! And when we come back, we’ll put Jonne to bed.” Tommi jumps off the veranda and onto the beach. “I love it out here!”

Ville still has a hold on my hand and pulls me along. He doesn’t need to do that though as I gladly fall into pace with him. “I like it here too.”

“I might go jogging in the morning so don’t be surprised if I’m not in bed!” Ville keenly announces. “It’s been a while since I last ran! I will be so dead afterwards! Want to join me, Eepi?”

“No, thanks… Running is not for me. I might go for a swim though – if the water isn’t too cold!”

“It was a good idea of Jonne’s to get those swimming trunks, even though they’re as ugly as hell!” Tommi quips.

Tommi’s comment makes me smile. I hadn’t thought it possible, but I feel okay with Tommi being close. As long as he wears his hair open, he doesn’t resemble my foster father and I can keep the memories at bay. I’m surprised that Tommi didn’t ask me why I like his hair best that way, but I suspect the question is on his mind. I’m not going to tell him though – no matter how hard he pushes.

~~~

“We should get going… “Tommi checked the time on his wrist watch and now rises from the rocks we’re sitting on. “If we want to be up early tomorrow, we should go to bed early as well.”

“When did we become boring?” Ville grins at Tommi and pulls me to my feet. “Only two years ago, we would party all night!”

Tommi starts to walk away and we follow him. “Two years ago, you were addicted to alcohol, Jonne exhausted, and I was ready to commit myself to a mental institution. Call me crazy, but I like it better this way!”

Ville considers Tommi’s words. “You’re probably right, but sometimes I miss those days.”

“Ville…” Tommi halts in his tracks, turns around, and gives Ville a stern look. “Don’t joke about it. It’s a serious matter. I came close to losing you to this damn alcohol and I don’t want to go through that experience again. You know why you can’t have alcohol and you also know why I won’t touch it.”

Ville appears taken aback because of Tommi’s seriousness and nods quickly. “I get it… Don’t worry – I won’t make the same mistake twice.”

I’m not sure how to react to their conversation and stay quiet instead. I gaze at the sand beneath my feet and wonder about our drug issues. This whole family battles the same problem.

“I didn’t mean to bring you down,” Tommi says as he moves his head closer to mine. “You have everything under control, Eero, and for that I’m grateful!”

“I don’t know if I have everything under control,” escapes me involuntarily. I hadn’t wanted to say that, but I did. “I might no longer yearn for drugs, but…I have other issues.”

“Which you’re working on and that’s the most important thing,” Tommi replies. “You face your problems and work through them. That’s exactly what you need to do.”

I swallow hard and moisten my lips. I can’t believe I’m opening up to them, but I can’t seem to stop myself. “Therapy is hard though… It started off easy enough, but now we’re looking at my past… My childhood, and it scares me.”

“You’re entitled to feel like that, but Eero, don’t forget we got your back covered. No matter what happens, we’re here to support you.”

Tommi is rather close and normally, I would increase the distance between us, but I don’t feel the need to do so now. Maybe Jonne’s tactic works and we’re bonding. The last time I saw my therapist, she asked me to do something, which I thought I would lack the courage for, but maybe I might be able to do it after all. “There should be no lies between us…and you guys deserve honesty…”

Tommi cocks his head and grows worried. “Eero, whatever this is about… You don’t need to do it.”

“Not right now,” I agree. “But I need to do it in the future. According to my therapist the four of us need to sit down and discuss everything. Jonne knows what happened to me… He knows every sordid detail, but the two of you don’t. Telling you scares me, but it will help you understand where you I’m coming from.”

“I know enough…” Tommi says and shivers. “If you want to tell us everything, we will listen, but we don’t need to know the details in order to love you. We do that anyway.”

“Thanks, it’s great to hear that.” I release the breath I had been holding and search first Tommi’s, and then Ville’s eyes. I see love and acceptance in them. “I’m so happy to have found you.” I don’t dare think of the situation I would be in today if Jonne hadn’t taken me under his wings five months ago. At times, it feels like I was reborn when Jonne found me. A whole new life started back then.

“Come here, Eepi,” Ville says and pulls me into a hug. “Welcome to this majorly dysfunctional family, but we make up for that with love.”

He’s right about that. Ville and I have our issues, and I bet Jonne and Tommi have their problems too – even though they haven’t shared them yet. The bond we share makes us strong though and that way we will overcome all difficulties.

~~~

Upon our return to the house, Tommi leads the way into the living room, where Jonne’s still asleep on the couch. “I’ll put him to bed,” Tommi says, as he lifts Jonne from the couch and cradles him against his chest. “Eero, are you tagging along?”

I check the time and find it’s close to midnight. “Not yet. Arttu promised to call at midnight. I’ll be on the veranda.”

Tommi nods and looks at Ville. “What about you?”

“I’ll tag along. The fresh air got to me as well,” Ville replies and yawns. “I can sleep. Night, Eepi! I’ll see you in the morning!”

I watch the three of them disappear upstairs and head for the veranda. There are four comfortable chairs out there and I snuggle up in one of them. I pull my knees to my chest, rest my head against the comfort of the chair, and uncover my mobile phone. I check if it is on and wait for it to ring. I can’t wait to hear Arttu’s voice again, as I miss him terribly.

TBC

Part 3

The phone rings and I quickly answer the call. “Eero here.”

“Wow, you’re fast!” Arttu sounds amused. “Maybe I should have waited to call and then find out if you would call me instead!”

I close my eyes and feel at peace. “I missed that big mouth of yours.”

“I hope that’s not all you missed!”

“No… I missed everything about you, Arttu, and I wish you could be here.” I want to wrap my arms around him, pull him against me, and kiss him. Now that I hear his voice again, I feel homesick. “How is your paper coming along?” I had handed in mine before I left for the beach. Arttu was lazy however and got behind on schedule. “Tomorrow is your last chance to hand it in.” Otherwise he will be late and his professor will fail him.

“As good as finished. I’m running a spell check and giving it one last look over. I hate Shakespeare now. What idiot decided we should write a twenty-page paper about him and his works?”

“Twenty pages aren’t that much…” They had made me do thirty pages on Descartes, just to find out if I was serious about taking up my studies again. “So what are you doing after you hand it in?”

“Antti has been nagging me to go clubbing with him. I’m not in the mood for it, though. I will probably lie on my bed, think of you, and be miserable! But let’s not discuss my misery…”

Arttu chuckles, and any worries I might have had fade. “I thought you would enjoy your freedom and make good use of it,” I tease him.

“My freedom? I’m tied to my laptop and stacks of books! No, Eero… That’s not freedom! But as I said, enough talk about me, how are you doing in Oulu? Are you having a good time? I hope so… I know that you didn’t want to go, but I’m glad you did. Come on, spill it, and tell me!”

“I will, if you’d shut up!” I laugh and shake my head. I love Arttu, but he can talk forever if you let him. “The drive up here was hell, but the actual place is nice. The house sits practically on the beach and we went swimming earlier. Jonne bought hideous swim shorts, but they did the job.”

“And how about… Tommi? Are you getting along?”

Arttu sounds hesitant and I understand why, as he knows about my apprehension whenever I’m close to Tommi. I even told him why I feel that way around Tommi. It came as a shock to him that Tommi bears such resemblance to my foster-father, but he supported me like I knew he would. It’s a good thing to have someone know about it – expect for my therapist -- that way I can talk about it. “Yeah, we get along – I didn’t expect that, but Tommi’s trying and so am I. Jonne made me share rooms with Tommi, and at first, I hated him for it, but now I understand why he did it.”

“Are you sure about that? You’re not going to freak out because Tommi’s close at night?”

“I can’t be completely sure…” I admit. “The thing is that it’s a double bed and I don’t know how I will react to finding Tommi *that* close.”

“Did you talk to him about it?”

“Not really. He knows I’m not comfortable with the idea of sharing the bed, but he isn’t questioning me about it. I will find out tonight. If I can’t sleep, I will crash on the couch in the living room.”

Arttu remains quiet for a moment. “Eero… You should tell Tommi why you’re afraid around him.”

Arttu told me so before, but I can’t do it. “Arttu, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Tommi knows that my foster-father abused me, but he doesn’t know the extent of it and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want him to wonder why I’m *that* afraid – still afraid after a decade.”

“I understand your motives, Eero, but this way you continue to run away from him. You should face him instead. Tommi won’t blame you or hold it against you. Sure, he will be shocked to find out the truth, but he will deal with it and help you the best he can. That’s the way Tommi is!”

“You might be right, Arttu, but I’m not ready for the confrontation. I don’t want Tommi to know yet.”

“It’s your decision eventually, Eero,” Arttu concedes. “Damn, I need to look over this paper one more time, print it, and then hand it in tomorrow morning. You did the smart thing by staying ahead of your schedule. I learned my lesson – next time I will stay on schedule too!”

“You’re new at this,” I remind Arttu. “You’ll get the hang of it.”

“Eero? I miss having you about. There’s no one to make fun of me or kiss me goodnight… My bed’s empty without you…”

“I miss you too, Arttu, but I will be back in five days… You need to stick it out.” I wish Arttu were right here on the veranda though. “I don’t like being apart from you either, but we will manage.”

“I need to go now; otherwise I will never finish this paper… Eero, I love you… Sleep tight and have sweet dreams… I wish I could hold you in your sleep… Maybe it will help if you imagine me being there with you.”

“I’ll do my best… Love you, Arttu… Good luck with the paper and I will call you tomorrow… Again at midnight?”

“Sounds good… Bye, Eero… Love you…”

I hear the longing in his voice and wish I could kiss him goodnight. “Bye, Arttu, love you too.” Arttu ends the call and I switch off the phone. I put it back in my pocket and mentally review our conversation. Arttu doesn’t know what he’s asking. I can’t tell Tommi. He can never find out!

~~~

I stay on the veranda for a few more minutes. I’m stalling, as I don’t want to join Tommi. I can only hope that my sleep will be deep and dreamless, though I doubt I will be that lucky. My greatest fear is having nightmares and screaming Tommi awake. I would feel totally embarrassed if that happened. Why go upstairs to begin with? I can crash on the couch – problem solved. But that would merely create another problem – that of Jonne hunting me down and confronting me with my behavior. No, I need to give it a try and deal with the consequences.

I drag myself to my feet, go into the house, and close the door behind me. Old instincts make me lock the door and then I head upstairs. Light shines from beneath the door, so Tommi is probably still awake. I draw in a deep breath, center myself like my therapist taught me, and open the door. Tommi is still awake all right. He placed his pillow against the headboard and is reading.

He puts down his book when he sees me. “I was getting worried that you wouldn’t come upstairs.”

“I talked to Arttu on the phone and we always talk for a long time.” As I feel nervous, I shuffle my feet and lower my gaze. “I’ll be quick in the bathroom.”

“Take your time. I’m tired, but it’s a good book, so I don’t mind staying awake.”

I quickly nod and pick up my bag. I close the bathroom door behind me and remove my toiletries. I brush my teeth, wash my face, and check for sunburn. Thankfully I don’t find any. I brought sweat pants along for the night, but they’re much too warm and I can’t sleep in them. I place them aside and decide to put on the oversized T-shirt, which I had on earlier. I look at my reflection in the mirror and tell myself that I can do this. “It’s just Tommi in the other room. That’s my brother – my oldest brother and he loves me. I don’t need to feel scared or intimidated. He won’t hurt me. He wants to protect me instead.” I repeat that mantra over and over again in my head, hoping that if I tell myself often enough I will start to believe it.

I switch off the light in the bathroom and step into the bedroom. Tommi’s still reading and seemingly ignores me, for which I’m grateful. I make my way over to the bed and sit down. Thankfully we have our own comforter and don’t have to share! I should relax and lie down, but I can’t. I feel tense and it takes all of my concentration not to start trembling. I don’t want Tommi to have this effect on me, but I can’t stop it.

“Today was a good day, don’t you think?” Tommi puts his book onto the nightstand and shifts his pillow lower so he can lie down.

“Yes, it was…” I go through the breathing exercise my therapist taught me and I hope Tommi won’t make fun of it, for he must have noticed what’s going on with me. “I liked our evening walk.”

“Too bad Jonne wasn’t there.” Tommi turns his head and looks at me. “I’m going to switch off the night on the nightstand. You can keep on yours if you want.” Tommi extinguishes the light and turns onto his side toward me. “Eero, what are you really afraid of? It’s not me, is it?”

I stare at my hands, which rest in my lap, and nod once. “It’s not you… Not really.”

Tommi narrows his eyes in thought. “Each time you look at me, you’re reminded of someone else, is that it?”

Too close! He is way too close to the truth! He can’t figure out what’s going on! I shrug helplessly, as I don’t want to give him additional information. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s okay, Eero. It’s okay if you can’t talk about it yet, but it’s important that you don’t fear me. You’re afraid of someone else and I remind you of this person. Knowing this helps, do you understand that?”

I think I do, so I nod slowly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then lie down and try to sleep.”

“I don’t know if I can do that…” Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I don’t know if I want to do that.

“It’s me, Tommi. You don’t need to be scared, Eero. I’m your big brother and I love you. I will protect you no matter what.”

The level of dedication in Tommi’s voice makes me seek out his gaze. I see trust in his eyes, trust and affection. They convince me that it’s safe for me to lie down and stretch on my side, facing him.

“Is there anything I can do to make this easier on you?” Tommi asks in a hopeful voice.

Actually there is, but I don’t know how Tommi will react to my request. “You can tell me,” Tommi says, in an attempt to encourage me. “What is it?”

“Can you turn onto your other side?” I bite my bottom lip and hope Tommi won’t be offended or think of it as lack of trust on my side. “It’s easier when I don’t feel your eyes upon me.”

“That can be arranged… Eero, try to sleep, and if you can’t, close your eyes and rest. Remember I love you…” Tommi turns onto his other side and snuggles deeper into the comfort of the mattress. “Night, little brother…”

“Night, Tommi.” I doubt very much that I will be able to sleep, but I need to try. It helps now that Tommi no longer looks at me and I stare at his back until my eyes start to close out of their own accord. I fight sleep, though and force them open again. I need to stay awake tonight – that way I won’t have any nightmares and Tommi can sleep peacefully.

I lose the fight ten minutes later. I’m simply too exhausted to stay awake much longer. My eyes close and I slip into sleep.

~~~

I wake up covered in sweat – not because it’s hot in the room – but because of the bad dream I just had. I sit upright in bed, panting, and try to regain my senses. Fucking nightmares, why can’t they leave me alone? I’m grateful that the light’s still on, as it helps me gain my orientation. A quick look at Tommi reveals that he’s awake as well. He sits cross-legged next to me and looks worried. Thankfully he didn’t tie back his hair for the night and the blond strands frame a face which would have startled me otherwise. “Sorry… Nightmare…” I bow my head and try to calm down my breathing. “You can go back to sleep… I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine to me, Eero… Can I come closer or should I keep my distance?”

Tommi’s question confuses me. “I don’t know…” Slowly, Tommi raises an arm and he places the palm of his hand on my back. He rubs the skin through the fabric and for some reason the circling motion eases my breathing and reduces the panic I am in. “I’m sorry for waking you up…” I feel bad about that. “I’ll sleep on the couch for the rest of the night. That way you’ll get your rest.” I check the time on the alarm clock and cringe – it’s only two in the morning. It’s going to be another long night then.

“No way… You can forget about that. If anyone is moving onto the couch then it’s me.”

That isn’t the answer I expected and my curiosity gets the better of me. I peek at him and startle at seeing the concern in his eyes. “Tommi… this will happen again tonight…”

“I don’t care about that. Eero, I’m your brother. I won’t let you down. Just give me a chance, will you?”

Tommi opens his arms and it’s obvious that he wants me to move into them. I hesitate though, as I’m not sure about that. I want the closeness and the comfort, but this is Tommi, and not Jonne. In the end, I accept his offer and I move toward him so he can wrap his arms around me. Tommi slowly pulls me against him and rubs my back again. He rests his chin upon my head and hums softly: for some reason the sound calms me down.

“Do you feel better now?” Tommi inquires after some minutes. “You seem calmer.”

I hadn’t thought it would work, but Tommi *did* manage to calm me down. I feel embarrassed for clinging to him, but I also feel safe in his arms. I never expected for him to have this kind of effect on me. “I feel better, yes. You can let go now.”

“I don’t want to let go, Eero. I don’t want you to feel alone again. Why don’t we lie down and you snuggle up to me?” Tommi lowers us onto the mattress and I let him. “I held Ville like this in the past – even Jonne. Don’t feel bad about needing a shoulder to cry on. That’s part of my job anyway – to be there for you.”

Surprised, I notice that I still feel safe in his arms and I rest my head against Tommi’s chest. I close my eyes and concentrate on the motion which Tommi uses to rub my back. “You’re good at calming down people.”

“I had lots of practice… Ville seldom had nightmares like you, but he would talk in his sleep and search for Jonne or me. I would take him into my arms during times like that and hold him.”

“I don’t think I can go back to sleep.” I’m tired, yes, but at the same time much too alert to fall asleep again.

“That’s okay – you can stay awake as long as you want. I’m not sure I can keep watch with you though... I *am* tired and I will probably fall asleep again.”

“I don’t mind that.” Tommi can go back to sleep, as long as he doesn’t push me away. I want to stay in his arms where I feel safe.

“I’ll see you in the morning then, Eero…” Tommi yawns, pulls me tighter against him, and uses me as pillow, resting his head against mine. “You’re safe…with me,” he whispers and then Tommi grows quiet.

Ever since we got here, Tommi showed me a side of himself, which I hadn’t fully realized was there. Now that I can keep the memories at bay during the day, I merely need to find a way to keep them away at night as well. Being in Tommi’s arms feels odd, but his scent reminds me of Jonne’s and it relaxes me further. Testing my reactions, I close my eyes to find out if the safe feeling stays with me in the dark and it does – how odd.

I’m not sure how I feel about falling asleep again, but even if I’m too alert to sleep, I can get some much needed rest instead.

~~~

“Eero? You can stay in bed, but I need to get up. I want to fix breakfast and I desperately need to go to the bathroom… Will you let me?”

Huh? Who talks to me and why? I’m too tired to open my eyes, but in the end, I gaze at Tommi through slits. My memories return and I blink in surprise. Ah yes, I ended up in his arms and I must have fallen asleep again. I didn’t expect that. Tommi’s presence must have reassured me on a subconscious level – it relaxed me enough for me to go back to sleep. I feel torn between apologizing for claiming him and begging Tommi to stay put, as I want to go back to sleep.

“You don’t want to let me go, do you?” Tommi chuckles softly. “Jonne has the same look in his eyes when he wants me close.”

“You make a good pillow and… I didn’t have any more nightmares… That doesn’t happen often…” But I shouldn’t claim Tommi like that and move out of his arms. “Thanks for…helping me out.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that, little brother.”

Tommi’s wipes my hair away from my face and smiles at me. It feels rather intimate and I’m stunned that I’m not freaking out. Instead, I feel comfortable.

“At least now we know how to handle the situation when we’ll go to sleep tonight. I’ll hold you and you will have some sweet dreams, about Arttu maybe?”

Tommi causes me to blush. “I love him.”

“And it’s good that you do!” Tommi puts his feet on the floor and leaves the bed. “Close your eyes and get more rest… I will call you when breakfast is ready.” Tommi leaves the bedroom and all of a sudden I’m alone.

I feel lazy though and decide to stay in bed until Tommi will get me. It’s hot in the room, even though Tommi left the window open before he turned in last night.

“Knock knock…”

I roll back my eyes and shake my head. “That’s not subtle, Jonne.” I sort of expected him to check on me as quickly as he could. The door opens and Jonne pokes his head inside. He’s smiling and looks awfully awake already. “You can come inside…”

Jonne walks into the room, heads for the bed, and lies down on his side facing me. “How did things go with Tommi last night? You’re still in bed so it can’t have been *that* bad.”

Jonne raises his right hand and caresses my face. I smile at him and nod. “We worked out an arrangement.”

“And how did that happen?”

Jonne wrapped a strand of my hair around his finger and now twirls it. If it hadn’t been for Jonne, I would never have learned to allow someone close again, let alone enjoy their touch. “I had a nightmare at first,” I admit, at which Jonne’s expression turns troubled.

“How bad was it?”

Awkwardly, I shrug. “I’ve had worse, but it was bad enough to startle me awake. I had left on the light on the nightstand so I didn’t freak out… But Tommi was awake as well, and looking at me… It’s strange… A week ago, I would have fled the room… I would have run away from Tommi, but something changed. He managed to calm me down and I went to sleep in his arms. How strange is that?” I blush at finding Tommi standing in the room. I didn’t notice him stepping out of the bathroom. My normally heightened level of alertness has diminished.

Jonne follows the direction of my stare with his eyes and notices Tommi’s presence as well. “The two of you survived the night then!”

Tommi nods. “You know that I don’t mind holding any of you in my arms. I lost count of the times I rocked Ville to sleep or made sure you didn’t do anything stupid when you were down with the flu.”

Tommi heads for the doorway and that makes Jonne call out, “Where are you going?”

“I’m hungry and need breakfast.”

“I promised to take care of it,” Jonne reminds Tommi. “I switched on the coffee maker, but didn’t get further than that. Let me do it.”

Tommi however shakes his head. “Don’t bother. Stay where you are and keep Eero company instead. I’ll yell when the food’s ready.” Tommi leaves the room and it’s back to being Jonne and me.

“I wonder what’s up with the Viking thing,” Jonne says thoughtfully.

I don’t get the comment and frown at him. “What Viking thing?”

“Wearing his hair open like that – He hardly ever does that…” Jonne’s eyes narrow and he focuses on me again. “Didn’t you tell him that you like it that way?”

I nod. “You’re right. I like his hair better that way…” I hadn’t thought Tommi would take my comment serious though – he hasn’t tied it back since I mentioned it. The questioning look that Jonne gives me makes me alert again.

“He looks quite different when he wears his hair open, don’t you think?”

Who am I trying to fool? Both Tommi and Jonne are about to figure out everything and I can only try to stall them in finding out the truth. “Yes, he does -- quite different.”

“I’ve noticed something, and correct me when I’m wrong, but you’re tense when Tommi has his hair tied back and mellow when he wears it open. Can it be that he reminds you of someone when he wears a pony tail?”

Jonne looks expectedly at me and I feel trapped. “Please, don’t ask further.” Jonne however, cocks his head and studies me.

“Who would put such fear into you, I wonder? The social worker who beat you up?”

Damn Jonne for being able to read me like an open book! I try to control my reactions, but it’s hard. I trust Jonne and I don’t want to lie to him.

“No, that’s not it…” Jonne’s expression darkens and he sucks in his breath. “Don’t tell me that Tommi looks like your foster-father!”

I lower my eyes and do my best to control the shivers that course through me. “That’s…not…it…” However, my voice shakes and I won’t be able to fool Jonne.

“Fuck, Eero… Why didn’t you tell us? Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Jonne sits upright and frowns deeply. “You need to tell Tommi!”

“No!” I sit up too and shake my head repeatedly. “I don’t want him to know, Jonne! I don’t want to hurt his feelings, don’t you get it?” My worst fear would come true if Jonne told Tommi. “You can’t tell him, do you hear me?”

“Eero, I understand why you don’t want Tommi to know, but it will backfire on you in the long run. Being honest might be the harder way out, but at least, Tommi will know what he is up against. Don’t you know that he would do anything to make you happy?”

“I know that he wants me to be happy, but… No, Jonne, this must stay between you and me! Promise me!”

“I’m not sure I can…”

Jonne gives me a compassionate look, but withholds his promise. I need to convince him to stay quiet, no matter what! “I’ll tell Tommi, but in my own time. I will do so when I’m ready, okay?” Jonne doesn’t seem convinced: maybe he knows that I plan to keep it a secret for the rest of my life.

“I want you to tell him before we go home, Eero. I’ll give you four days.”

Horrified, I stare at Jonne. “You can’t be serious!”

“But I am! Eero, I don’t like forcing you to do this, but it’s something you *must* do!”

“I hate you…” I never planned on saying the words – they simply slipped from my lips and I feel guilty for saying them, but my panic makes me lash out at him.

“You don’t – but you’re scared and I get that… I’m sorry for doing this to you, Eero.”

I turn away from him and present him with my back. “You’re not fair.”

“Life’s seldom fair,” Jonne says slowly. “Don’t be like this, Eero. I want to help.”

“Hey, breakfast is ready. Come and get it! We have coffee, porridge, and bacon and eggs! It’ll grow cold the longer you wait!”

In a way, I’m grateful for Tommi cutting short our conversation. I would have said things I might have felt ashamed for later.

“Let’s eat, Eero.” Jonne manages to take hold of my left hand and pulls me toward him. “I love you, no matter how stubborn you get.”

I want to remain angry with Jonne and I don’t want to forgive him, but how can I stay cross with him when he says things like that? I allow Jonne to pull me into a hug and rest my head against his shoulder. “I’m scared, Jonne.”

“I know you are, but you have the three of us to support you.” Jonne cocks his head and manages to catch my gaze. “Your bond with Tommi will grow so much stronger once you tell him. Trust me.”

I draw in a deep breath. “I want to trust you, but…”

Jonne nods. “You don’t need to do it right away. Think about what works best for you. You can tell him when the two of you are alone, or call me to help out.”

I don’t know what would work best – well, not telling Tommi would, but that’s no longer an option, I’m afraid.

“Ladies, I’m starting on your breakfast right now!” Tommi roars from downstairs.

“We’re on our way! Don’t you dare do that!”

Jonne jumps to his feet and pulls me along. I don’t want to face Tommi, but I know that Jonne will make me attend breakfast. I have four days – four days to find a way to deal with my biggest fear. Four days to tell Tommi and probably lose his trust and friendship forever.

TBC

Part 4

I sit down at the kitchen table and wrap my fingers around the mug filled with coffee that Tommi put in front of me. I don’t feel comfortable looking at him and stare at the black liquid instead. If Tommi notices anything odd about me, he doesn’t comment on it – thankfully.

“Where’s Ville?” Jonne asks Tommi while pouring himself some orange juice.

“I don’t know…”

Tommi sits down opposite me and tries to catch my gaze. I avoid looking at him, however. I do need to get involved in the conversation though, or else Tommi will want to know what’s wrong. “Didn’t Ville say that he wanted to go jogging?”

“You’re right… That could be it!” Tommi pours himself more coffee and then asks, “What do you guys want? Porridge or bacon and eggs?”

“Porridge,” Jonne replies, “But don’t bother, I can get it myself.”

I peek at Jonne. “Can you get me some too?”

“Sure!”

Jonne picks up two bowls and fills them. He puts one in front of me and I reach for the sugar. I put a rather large amount into the porridge and stir.

“And I thought I had a sweet tooth!” Jonne quips.

He also adds sugar to his porridge but far less than I did. Although I slept rather well – except for that one nightmare – I still feel tired and can’t suppress a big yawn. “Sorry, can’t help it!”

“That’s okay,” Tommi says. ”You can nap later. We will probably end up on the beach again, reading, napping, and swimming.”

“Morning!” Ville bursts into the kitchen, looking sweaty and excited. “Jonne, this is a great spot! There is a road up ahead and it’s the perfect jogging track! I also discovered a supermarket and bar there!” Ville drops onto a chair and tries to catch his breath again. “They sell ice cream, and Tommi, I checked, even non-alcoholic beer! This holiday can’t get better than this!” Ville reaches for the water and drinks straight from the bottle.

“So you went running. We wondered where you had gone.” Jonne pulls a disgusted face when Ville puts the bottle back onto the table. “Keep that now that your spit is attached to it.”

Ville laughs at Jonne. “And you probably want me to shower too?”

“Now that you mention it,” Tommi says, “That would be a great idea! You stink!”

“Ah, all this brotherly love is too much for me!” Ville picks up the water bottle and looks at me. “At least Eepi here still loves me!” After saying that, Ville heads toward the stairs. “Leave me some breakfast though! I’m hungry!”

I finish my porridge and reach for the coffee. “So, we’re heading for the beach again?”

“For some hours, yeah,” Tommi replies. “In the afternoon we can check out this supermarket…”

“And have ice cream!” Jonne quips quickly. “I love ice cream, especially when it’s this hot!”

“In that case, I’ll put on some sunscreen *before* we head for the beach. Isn’t that the normal way to do it? Instead of applying it ten minutes before we’re about to leave?” That also ensures I can rub it on myself and won’t get surprised by Tommi offering again.

“Probably,” Tommi admits. “But then again, nothing ever goes according to plan in the Liimatainen household!”

“That’s true,” Jonne says and nods. “But I like Eero’s idea. I’ll do the same thing. Do you want us to clean the kitchen or…?” Jonne gives Tommi a pleading look and it works.

“Go on, Ville still needs to eat and I’ll make sure he puts everything in the sink.” Tommi gestures for Jonne and me to get going. “I’ll pack some drinks and then we’re set to go.”

“Come on, Eero, you heard the captain!”

Jonne pulls me along and picks up the bag Tommi took to the beach yesterday. “There should be sunscreen in there! I’m so happy that I didn’t burn yesterday, and if we’re staying in the sun for hours, I’m not taking any chances.” Jonne maneuvers me into the room that I share with Tommi. “You stay put. I’ll fetch my swimming trunks and then we can do each other’s back.” In the blink of an eye he’s gone and I wonder what got into Jonne. Where does all that energy come from?

I use Jonne’s absence to change my clothing. I slip into my horribly yellow swimming trunks and pull another T-shirt from my bag. I don’t put it on yet, as I still need to apply the sunscreen.

“Let’s do this!” Jonne’s back and he puts some lotion into his right hand. “Turn around and I’ll do your back first.”

I turn and Jonne puts the sunscreen on my back. It gives me a moment to consider everything that has happened so far.

“Done!” Jonne announces happily. “Do mine now?”

I turn toward him, take the bottle, and apply it to his back. I take my time doing so as I don’t want him to end up sun burned – especially knowing how susceptible he is to it.

“Your touch is gentle,” Jonne remarks as he looks at me from over his shoulder. “Makes me wonder whom you’re thinking of.”

“I wasn’t thinking about Arttu, if that’s what you’re getting at.” Now that my skin has absorbed the lotion, I put on my T-shirt. “I miss him though.”

“It’s only for a few days,” Jonne says consolingly. “I’m happy that the two of you worked out. I had hoped that Arttu and you would become friends, but I had never thought you would hit it off right away.”

I’m about to reply when Ville screams all of a sudden. After exchanging a quick look with Jonne, we run downstairs in order to find out what has happened. “What?” I look about, but all I see is Tommi carrying a bag –and wearing those hideous red swimming shorts – and Ville carrying an inflatable bed in the shape of a banana. What kind of madness is this?

“See Tommi? I said I would get them downstairs, and, Eero, stop looking like that! I happen to like bananas,” Ville comments as he sees my interest in the inflatable bed. “I’ve got a sea horse for Jonne and somewhere down Tommi’s bag there is also an inflatable alligator!”

For some reason, I feel like hugging Ville – even though he scared the hell of out me, screaming like that -- and I pull him into my arms. Ville releases a surprised groan because my hug is rather tight, and he drops the inflatable bed to hug me back.

“I love you too, Eepi,” Ville says and squeezes me back.

“Kids, we’re off to the beach…” Tommi decrees as he heads for the doorway.

I take Jonne’s hand in mine, and Ville pulls us along, as his arm is still wrapped around my waist. Damn, I love all three of them!

~~~

“Eepi, your bag has come alive… it’s moving…”

Ville’s comment makes me raise my head. “My bag’s moving about?” I look at it and find it’s vibrating. That can only mean two things: either I got a SMS message or someone’s trying to call me. I search for my mobile phone and look at the display. “Arttu sent me a message.” I wonder what it’s about. I access the message, read it, and chuckle. “He handed in his paper today and his professor kicked his ass for getting behind on schedule.”

“Well, he handed it in, so what’s the problem? He made the deadline, didn’t he?” Ville picks up a sea shell and throws it at Tommi, who tries his hardest to read without being interrupted. “Stop being boring!”

Tommi fights for composure and manages to ignore the comment. Instead, he moves deeper into the shadow of the giant sun umbrella, which he found in the basement of the house. Jonne took cover from the sun too and his head rests on Tommi’s thigh.

“I want action!” Ville grows restless and gets to his feet. “Eepi, I want to swim. Are you coming along?”

I’m not sure about that. Although I’d love to cool down, I doubt Ville will play fair and try to dunk me.

“Please indulge the brat,” Jonne says, addressing me. “At least that way, Tommi and I will get some peace and quiet.”

He wants me to sacrifice myself? Hum, that comes at a price though and I know how to ‘repay’ Jonne. I rise from the sand, pull Ville to his feet, and hook my arm with his. “I have a plan…”

Ville gives me a conspiring look and grins. “What are you up to?”

“Jonne needs to cool down too, don’t you think? Let’s get wet first, return here, and drag Jonne into the sea.”

“Oh yeah, I like that! I like that very much!”

It also means that I’m off the hook and no longer Ville’s target. Instead of making my life miserable, he’ll focus on Jonne instead!

~~~

“Ready?”

Ville grins at me and I nod, glad I’m *not* the object of his menace. He’s dripping wet, and so am I, as we walk up to Tommi and Ville.

“Jonne, we’re back!” Ville towers over Jonne and several droplets drip onto Jonne’s chest. Jonne’s instantly awake and kicks at Ville.

“Stop fucking do that! It’s wet and cold!”

“Surprise! There’s more from where that came from!”

Ville nods at me and I remind myself that it’s better to play along. That way I won’t end up being pestered all day. Ville grabs Jonne’s wrists and I take hold of his ankles. Working together, we manage to lift him and we carry a screaming and kicking Jonne toward the water. I cast a look at Tommi to find out if he’s getting involved, but he continues to read his book – he’s grinning though.

“Let me go! Ville, if you don’t stop this, I will get you back! My revenge will be horrible!” Although Jonne threatens him Ville remains unimpressed.

“I can take whatever you deal out, Jonne. I’m *so* much tougher than you!”

Ville catches my gaze and nods. I know what’s coming and I’m not looking forward to it. Contrary to Ville, I *do* worry about any payback Jonne might extract.

“You want me to let go, don’t you?” Ville says teasingly now that we have reached the water.

Jonne looks beneath him and realizes he’s in peril. “Ville, don’t you dare drop me! That water is freezing cold!”

“It’s not that bad,” I try to console him. “You get used to it.”

“I know that Ville put you up to this, Eero… You don’t need to do this!”

At hearing that, Ville bursts out laughing and I know I’m going to be exposed.

“I didn’t put him up to it, Jonne! This was Eero’s idea to begin with! All right, let’s do this on three…” Ville starts the countdown. “Three…Two… One…Now!”

The moment I let go, I feel guilty for setting up Jonne, but it’s too late for regrets now. Jonne hits the water and momentarily disappears beneath the surface. When he surfaces again, he coughs and raises his fist at us.

“Try harder,” Ville says. “I’m not impressed!” Ville hooks his arm with mine and marches me back to the towels. “Don’t feel guilty, Eepi. Jonne might act angry, but I’m sure we actually impressed him. You played your first prank on him…”

I collapse onto my towel and move into the shade. Ville stretches on his back and keeps a close eye on Jonne, who makes his way back toward us. I eye Jonne too; scared he wants to extract some revenge.

“Don’t worry about Jonne,” Tommi says unexpectedly. “I doubt he’s mad with you, and even if he is, I’ll protect you.” He winks at me and then returns to reading.

Tommi’s action makes me blink in surprise. I didn’t think he was watching me, but I get the sneaky suspicion that he monitors me most of the time.

“You surprised me,” Jonne says as he comes to a halt in front of me. “I’m not sure if I should be angry with you or impressed.”

I hope he will decide on the latter. “Hey, if I hadn’t done that, Ville would have made me into his next victim.”

Ville turns his head toward me and grins. “Who says you’re off the hook, Eepi?”

Damn… I need to be on my guard then. Jonne drops down next to me and showers me with water droplets. “I hope you didn’t think the water was too cold.” It’s time to do some damage control in case I need Jonne’s help later.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Jonne says and smiles at me. “Actually, I’m impressed. I didn’t think you would pull a prank on me so soon.”

I feel relieved at hearing that. “Thanks for not being angry with me.” Jonne rests his hand on my shoulder and squeezes.

“What’s up next?” Ville sits up and scans his surroundings. “This is getting old… How about getting ice cream and checking out the supermarket?”

Ice cream sounds like heaven to me, but I look at Jonne and Tommi first.

“I could do with ice cream.” Tommi puts his book aside and stretches. “And we can check if they really have non-alcoholic beer. We can pick up some meat too and have our own little barbecue tonight. There’s a grill in the basement as well. We can move it outside.”

“I like that idea,” I say eventually, judging it safe to go along.

“All right, it’s been decided then. Let’s pack and drop everything off at the house!”

~~~

“I’m paying… So what flavors does everyone want?” Ville has a greedy look on his face as he stares at the various kinds of ice cream on display.

“You’re practically drooling.” I know that Ville loves his ice cream, but I have never seen him actually drool before.

“Hey, it’s about thirty degrees and that ice cream is cold! Can you blame me for drooling?” Ville looks at Tommi first. “Okay, big guy, what do you want?”

Tommi arches an eye brow. “Big guy? I’m glad you’re out of the army… You picked up some strange habits there.” Ville just grins and gives his older brother an impatient smile. Tommi looks at the display and points out the chocolate and vanilla ice cream. He takes hold of his cone and starts licking.

“I’m next and I want an extra big portion!” Jonne eyes Ville defiantly. “You dropped me into the water, remember?”

“Knock yourself out,” Ville replies. “You’ll be the one nursing a stomach ache, not me.”

Jonne ignores his brother’s comment and points at his selection. “I want strawberry, chocolate, lemon, and banana!” He nearly salivates as he wraps his fingers around the giant cone.

“And you, Eepi?”

Hum, what am I in the mood for? “I’d like walnut and hazelnut ice cream.”

“You’re nuts,” Ville quips and giggles, but I get my ice cream nonetheless. “I want some of that blue stuff and Salmiakki!”

Now that we have our ice cream, we settle down on the bench outside. I look at the people passing by and realize how fortunate I am. Ville might think this boring, but I’m grateful that no one is getting drunk or high. I left that part of my life behind and I have no desire to ruin my life again.

Ville shakes his head. “Just look at us! Four old, boring men sitting on a bench, eating ice cream, and doing nothing!”

“Yeah, great isn’t it?” Tommi winks at me and finishes his ice cream. “Let’s come back tomorrow and try the other flavors.”

“Are you paying?” Ville asks and narrows his eyes. “Because I’m not.”

“Sure, I’m paying!” Tommi laughs and swats Ville’s shoulder.

“It’s going to be strange when we’re home again,” Jonne says softly. “Out here, I can be myself, but once I’m in Tampere I need to act a certain part. It’s great to let go of that persona for some time. Maybe we can do this more often, Tommi.”

“It was a good idea, wasn’t it? I’m glad you came up with it. We needed a break – all of us.” Tommi stretches his long legs and smiles fondly. “I feel blessed having the three of you here with me… Especially you, Eero.”

Fuck it, but I’m blushing again. Each time Tommi says something nice about me I turn crimson! “I’m happy to be here,” I say eventually, feeling rather clueless.

Jonne picks up on my changed mood and squeezes my knee. “Now that we finished our ice cream, we should raid the supermarket. Tommi can cook dinner and we will clean up after him.”

“And then?” Ville’s restless and keeps moving. Either it’s his foot, head, or arm.

“You can go for another run! Damn it, Ville, where do you get the energy from? They definitely ruined you in the army!” Jonne points a finger at Ville. “Maybe they will take you back if you ask politely.”

“No thanks, the army was okay, but I really cherish my freedom. I can’t help it that I got addicted to running and working out!”

“Maybe we can go for a walk after dinner?” I suggest and I give Jonne a hopeful look. “Are you coming along this time?”

“Maybe,” Jonne replies. “Let’s see how full I feel and how much energy I have left to spare.”

It’s not the answer I had hoped for, but it must do.

~~~

After our little barbecue, we settle on the couches in the living room. Even Ville is comfortable with just hanging out for the moment. It might have something to do with the huge steak he just ate.

Tommi’s eyes scan our little circle and suddenly I grow alert again. Even though I’m slightly drowsy from the amount of food I ate, I easily pick up on his mood shift.

“When did we have our last family council?” Tommi sips from his non-alcoholic beer and seems thoughtful.

Next to him, Jonne grows alert as well, as his widening eyes show. “I would say a few months ago – before Eero joined us.”

“True,” Tommi says and nods. “Don’t you think it’s time for another one?”

A sly expression appears in Jonne’s eyes as he directs his look at me and that worries me. “Family council?” What is that? And how can I avoid participating in it?

“Every few months we sit together and talk about our lives… the bad things and the good ones… It’s an exchange…” Jonne gives me a meaningful look.

I know what he’s hinting at, but I’m *not* telling Tommi about the resemblance. I want to do that in private. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t have anything to share. You know everything about me.” Disappointed, Jonne looks at me, but I shake my head once. No, I’m not telling Tommi right now – Jonne can forget about that!

“Not so hasty,” Tommi says in order to slow me down. “Even if you don’t have anything to share, you can listen to the others and maybe offer advice.”

“Me? Giving advice?” The idea is too ludicrous to actually consider!

Tommi looks at me for a long moment, but then directs his gaze at Ville. “Do you want to start?”

“Sure!” Ville draws in a deep breath, reaches for Tommi’s beer bottle, and sips. “Things are weird since I left the army. I have so much energy and I don’t know how to get rid of it. And I have too much time on my hands! I don’t know what to do during the day! It’s a constant itch and it drives me crazy. And Jonne, no, going back to the army is not an option. Yes, I liked it there, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that!”

“Hum,” leaves Tommi’s lips. “Why don’t you get a job? Maybe something that includes physical labor?”

“I have been thinking about that!” Ville nods repeatedly. “But I don’t want to go into construction and ruin my back that way! But I would like to work at a gym! I have no idea what kind of training I would need to qualify for a job like that, but I think I’m going to find out!”

“I like that idea,” Jonne says. “That kind of work would suit you, especially considering this ridiculous high energy level you currently display!”

“Anything else?” Tommi studies Ville, as if he wants to find out if he’s hiding something.

Ville takes his time considering the question. “I don’t know… At the moment, things are great. Spending these days here is great! Having Eero around is great. The fact that we are together is great… Maybe I’m afraid it won’t last…”

“We tend to think that way,” Jonne agrees. “But we shouldn’t. We don’t want to invite in problems.” After Ville has nodded, Jonne pulls him into his arms, and holds him. “Things are finally going your way. Be happy about it and enjoy.”

“I do.” Ville places a brotherly kiss on Jonne’s cheek and cuddles up to him. “Who’s next?”

All three of them look at me, but I shake my head. I’m not doing this – no fucking way.

TBC

Part 5

“I’ll go next,” Jonne says and he directs his attention to Tommi, away from me, and for that I’m grateful. “I’m happy to be here too, with the three of you. I agree with Ville – life is pretty good at the moment. I *do* worry about some things though.”

“Like what?” Tommi disappears into the kitchen and returns with two bottles of non-alcoholic beer. “Here, if you have your own, you won’t drink mine,” he addresses Ville while moving the beer toward his younger brother. Ville nods and gives Tommi an appreciative smile before taking his first sip.

“Like this upcoming trip to the States. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about it, but I also worry. Will Larry be strong enough to deal with the temptations that lay ahead? Yes, he has his drinking under control, but what if they offer him other drugs as well?”

“Your main concern is Larry?” Tommi asks to make sure he understands.

“Antti will try all the stuff he can get his hands on, but he won’t grow addicted. Larry is different: we both know that. We need to keep a close eye on him.” Jonne’s expression darkens and he gives me an odd look before continuing. “In a way I’m relieved that Christus is no longer a part of the band. This trip would kill him.”

Jonne’s statement makes me curious and I search his eyes. “I know he’s not the most stable guy in the world, but…” I need a moment to find the right words and Jonne uses that break to cut me short.

“You don’t know what he’s really like. Sure, you saw part of it when he joined the Black Jesus, but Eero, he was much worse. When we toured with Negative, there were days that he couldn’t crawl out of bed because of the drugs. I tried to make him cut down, but he didn’t like that. At times, we had to bribe him so he would go on stage. He became impossible to live, let alone work, with.”

I sense pain in Jonne’s words and I wonder what he isn’t telling me. “He hurt you… At least that’s the impression I’m getting.” Jonne exchanges a quick glance with Tommi before he makes eye contact again. Jonne draws in a deep breath and Ville reaches out to him by wrapping his fingers around Jonne’s hand. I wish I knew what was going on. I feel left in the dark.

“Christus and I – we were together once. We fell in love… I guess I fell a little more for him than he for me. It didn’t last that long. Thirteen months…and then it started to fall apart. The drugs, the groupies, and his desire to constantly be in the spotlight ruined it. In the end, I put an ultimatum to him. He could either clean up his act or leave Negative… You know what decision he made.”

Jonne looks lost and my heart goes out to him. Christus never hinted that Jonne and he had been lovers and I know him pretty well. “I’m sorry…” I lean forward, pull him into my arms, and hug Jonne tight. “He doesn’t deserve you if he threw away your love. You’re such a special person… How can anyone choose drugs over you?” I mean every word I say. Jonne *is* most precious to me as my relationship with him goes the deepest.

“Thanks… I’m still getting over it, I guess…” Jonne pulls away so he can make eye-contact again. “It’s also why I’m still single. I’m not ready yet to date.”

That makes sense. “You’ll find the right person one day… Like I found Arttu.”

“He rather found you,” Jonne quips and a smile forms on his lips. “I’m so happy for the two of you.”

“Jonne, do you want me to tag along to the States?” Ville asks suddenly. “I could keep an eye on Larry – and you! Make me your personal assistant, or whatever!”

Jonne studies Ville for some time and then nods slowly. “Actually I like that idea. Larry still thinks of you as my baby brother and he behaves around you.”

“You make it sound like he’s my baby sitter! That wasn’t the idea I had in mind!” Ville acts insulted. ”I would baby sit him instead!”

“Don’t tell him that though,” Jonne cautions. He releases me and leans back against the comfort of the couch. “That’s my biggest concern regarding the band at the moment – Larry suffering a setback.”

“All right – regarding the band. And what about your personal life?”

Wow, Tommi is tenacious. That guy really wants to dig deep and I’m so happy it’s Jonne he’s questioning and not me!

“I’m worried about a person whom I love very much. I don’t want to give any names at the moment…” Jonne curls his fingers around his cup of tea, and although it must have cooled, he still sips from it. “He’s struggling with a decision. I think he should be honest even though he might hurt someone’s feelings that way. But lying and pretending everything is fine will only complicate matters.”

I turn my head away from Jonne and just know he’s talking about me. I grow pale because of it and hope neither Tommi nor Ville notices. I’m grateful Jonne didn’t give them my name, but it won’t take them long to figure out he’s talking about me.

It’s Tommi who offers his advice eventually. “There’s little you can do besides supporting this person and maybe giving him the time he needs to make his decision. I’m not sure that setting an ultimatum will help, especially if this person is afraid.”

Jonne shrugs. “But Tommi, he needs to tell the truth… He needs to have faith!”

I can’t take it anymore. Ville’s already giving me looks and I’m under the impression that Tommi is trying his hardest to look everything except at me. Both of them know that Jonne’s talking about me. “I need time, Jonne. I told you that.” Tommi actually smiles at hearing me speak up and seeks out my gaze.

“We won’t force you into telling us anything you’re uncomfortable with. And I want you to know that I don’t agree with Jonne giving you that ultimatum.”

“Thanks, Tommi… I wish things were easier, but they’re not. It’s complicated.” And I feel fucking frustrated because Jonne brought up the matter. Tommi gives me another thoughtful look and I know it’s not over yet.

“I don’t know why you’re afraid to hurt my feelings… Yeah, I know it’s me… It wasn’t that hard to figure out.” Tommi bites on his bottom lip and frowns. “I don’t know what to make of everything either. I only know that it has something to do with my face – and the way I look when I wear my hair tied back.”

“You’re already way too close,” I whisper in fright. “Don’t think about it anymore, Tommi.”

“You’re really scared that I’ll figure it out,” Tommi realizes. He shifts closer toward me and takes my right hand in his. “I want you to know this, Eero. No matter what you’re afraid to tell me, it won’t make me angry with you. I won’t shun you or love you less. I understand that you’re afraid I will do those things, but that’s not necessary.”

I wish I could believe him. “Please, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Tommi already figured out too much

“All right, subject closed,” Tommi decrees. He turns his attention back to Jonne, but continues to hold my hand as well. “Anything else you want to share, Jonne?”

Jonne shakes his head and he seems pensive. Maybe Tommi’s mellow reaction to me not telling him my secret is making him think. Maybe he will stop pushing me now.

“I guess that means I’m up next.” Tommi wedges himself in-between Jonne and me and ignores Jonne’s protest when he has to move further down the couch. “I agree with you guys…Life is good… But you know, sometimes I miss that special person in my life. It’s fucking irritating. Jonne doesn’t want to meet anyone yet and I want to meet that special person and no one shows up!”

Tommi’s honesty surprises me, but it also gives me the chance to ask him a question I’ve wondered about. “I hope you don’t mind me asking but… Do you like girls? Or guys?” My question causes Ville and Jonne to giggle, but I don’t care. I’m curious and want to know!

Tommi chuckles as well. “I’m into both if you need to know…”

I’m not sure what I expected him to say, but the idea of Tommi dating another man seems strange to me. “Any preference?” I’m already in trouble, so why not make it worse? “Man or woman?”

Tommi frowns deeply and lines appear on his brow. “At the moment I would love to have a girlfriend. I always wanted to start a family – have children, be the daddy… But I doubt it will ever happen. I’m much too busy running the business and I rarely have time off.”

Suddenly I feel blessed for having Arttu and I realize that out of the four of us, I’m the only one in a relationship. “Well, all it takes is a second – to fall in love,” I offer consolingly. “At least that’s what Jonne says!”

“Jonne’s the most romantic out of the three of us,” Ville says, “That explains his comment!”

“Eero, are you happy with Arttu? I don’t want to pry, but… You look happy, but looks can be deceiving and I’m worried,” Tommi asks in a deep voice.

I nod instantly. “I’m happy. I didn’t think loving him would be so easy…or being loved for the matter. We’re soul mates; at least that’s what Arttu says. He’s really sweet…” I wish Arttu were here right now so I could hold him and kiss him. “He loves me for who I am. He doesn’t try to change me and he accepts my bad traits as well. He makes me smile when I feel down and he supports me. Arttu is all I could wish for.”

I look Tommi in the eye and add, “I’m grateful we had that party back then. I was scared as hell to face everyone, but Arttu… I fell in love instantly – all it took was one look, just like Jonne said.” Tommi gently squeezes my fingers and smiles at me.

“And that concludes our family council for today,” Tommi orders. “I’m glad we talked.”

In a strange way, so am I. I don’t like it that Jonne brought up my secret, but it felt good to have Tommi cover my back. I hadn’t counted on him being so supportive. “It was okay,” I concede.

“And what do we do now?” Ville checks the time. “It’s only ten PM. Does anyone want to go for a walk?”

“I’ll tag along.” I’m in the mood to go for a walk and look forward to getting some fresh air. “How about you two?”

Tommi nods. “Count me in… And Jonne’s coming along too.”

“I am?” Jonne blinks in surprise. “I didn’t say I would!”

“Let’s make the best of our time here, Jonne. You can sleep in tomorrow if you want to, but I would like for the four of us to stay together a little longer,” Tommi explains.

“In that case, I’ll join you,” Jonne replies and jumps to his feet. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

Ville rises from the couch as well and follows Jonne out of the door. That leaves Tommi and me still sitting on the couch – just the two of us.

“Eero? You’re my brother and I love you. Nothing you will tell me can ever change that, okay?”

I draw in a deep breath to steady myself and then nod. Maybe I will tell him one day, but I *do* want it to be in my own time – when I am ready.

~~~

We end up roaming the beach for an hour before we settle down on the sand to watch the sun. I love evenings like these – evenings which are full of sun light. Fortunately, I don’t have any trouble sleeping when it’s still light and I’m grateful for that.

“Hey, what are you thinking of?”

Jonne wraps an arm around my shoulder and rests his upper body against mine. “The fact that I love these nights when it doesn’t grow dark. They make up for the countless days of darkness in winter.”

“I actually like winter,” Jonne remarks. “It fits me better than summer. Eero? Are you angry with me for bringing up your secret earlier? I didn’t want to expose you. I had hoped Tommi wouldn’t catch on.”

“Liar… You knew he would catch on,” I correct him. “But it’s okay. Jonne, I would tell him if I was sure things wouldn’t change between us, but I’m scared he will act differently around me once he knows.” I look over at Tommi who sits at a meter or two distance and who’s talking to Ville. “Give me time, that’s all I’m asking.”

“I’ll do my best… Eero, I’ve been meaning to ask you… Therapy has become harder on you, hasn’t it? I noticed your foul mood when you returned from your last session.”

“You’re right, Jonne… We’re addressing the abuse and the way I cope with it – the way I avoid dealing with it. Facing certain things is hard…” I’m happy I have Arttu. Although I love Jonne, it’s different with Arttu. I can let go when I’m around him. “What’s the time?” Jonne wears a wrist watch and I don’t. I don’t want to endanger talking to Arttu.

“Actually it’s close to midnight… Where did the time go? Tommi, do you want to stay or head back?”

Tommi looks up from his talk with Ville and checks the time as well. “Ville and I are staying a little longer, but you can head home if you want”

I wonder what those two are discussing. Their voices are too soft for me to understand anything they’re saying. Jonne rises from the sand and I do the same. “I want to go home too… I promised to call Arttu at midnight.” I left my mobile phone in my room. I take Jonne’s hand in mine and we head back for the house. My thoughts drift in various directions and I recall something Jonne had shared earlier. “Do you miss Christus still?” My question surprises Jonne who looks at me slightly startled.

“At times,” Jonne admits. “I don’t fall in love easily – or often, but with Christus it happened instantly… Much like you fell for Arttu. Getting used to living without him is hard.”

“For what it’s worth, I believe you did the right thing. Christus isn’t going to change his life style – for no one, not even you. He’s addicted to the rush – performing, using drugs, and having his fans look up to him… But he also wants to do things his way and unfortunately, his way is the wrong way, in my opinion.”

“He’s doing better these days,” Jonne reveals. “Some weeks ago, when you were visiting Arttu, Christus showed up and we talked all evening.” A distant look appears in Jonne’s eyes, and for one moment, it seems like he’s tearing up, but then he composes himself again. “We made our peace, I guess, but still, when I think of the things he threw away in order to sustain his habit I feel sad.”

“Everyone makes his own choices, Jonne. We need to accept that. I’m sure you’ll find someone when you’re ready to fall in love again.”

“Thanks, Eero. That’s a sweet thing to say.”

We have reached the entrance and head for the staircase. On the landing, Jonne turns around and presses a kiss onto my brow. “Sleep tight,” I say and hug him tightly. “I love you, Jonne.”

“I love you too, Eero…” Jonne turns away from me, opens the door to his bedroom, and disappears inside.

I collect my mobile phone and seek out the veranda again. I sit down in one of the chairs and access Arttu’s number. I’m five minutes early, but I bet Arttu’s already waiting for my call. He’s probably staring at his phone and wanting it ring.

“Arttu here!”

The phone only had to ring once for Arttu to answer it. He was ready for it all right. “Hey, it’s me.”

“I saw your name on the display… but hey, I was already waiting for you to call!”

“You’re impatient. Does that mean that you miss me?” I do love to tease him now and then.

“You know that I miss you. I don’t like waking up alone in bed. I ended up hugging the pillow instead – your pillow that is. It still carries your scent.”

It’s a good thing Arttu has no visual of me, because then he would see me grow flustered. “Tell me, what did you do today? Did you get into any trouble?”

“Not really. I cleaned up mostly. You know what a mess my room was.”

“The apartment actually,” I remind him.

“Yeah, Antti isn’t happy about it, but I can’t clean everything at once. I do feel bad though for not doing my chores… I know that Antti’s revenge will be painful… But now I have a week off! Too bad you’re up in Oulu…but at least you will be home in four days. I’m already looking forward to holding you in my arms again!”

My blush deepens – it’s something I can’t control, unfortunately. “Any plans for tomorrow except for cleaning?”

“Sleeping in, having a huge breakfast, and then… We’ll see – think about you mostly.”

I roll my eyes. I love Arttu, but sometimes he can be a bit too much. “You should find a better way to spend your time!”

“No, it’s actually the best way I can think of. Eero…on a more serious note… How are Tommi and you getting along? Better?”

I curl up in the chair and pull my knees closer to my chest in order to make myself smaller. “I think so, yes… Last night, he held me after I had a nightmare and I didn’t freak out because of it. It’s very odd, Arttu… When Tommi wears his hair open he doesn’t look like *him* anymore and I relax around him.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“I didn’t tell Tommi everything. I told him that I dislike his ponytail, but not why. I’m scared though that he will figure it out by himself. Tommi’s smart and Jonne’s eager to tell him.”

“Jonne? Since when does Jonne know?”

“He figured it out, Arttu. He knows what’s going on and I’m worried that he will tell Tommi because I don’t want to tell him.” Arttu remains quiet for a moment and I can imagine the way deep frown lines appear on his brow at hearing that.

“You should tell Tommi, but you know that… Eero, are you going to be okay tonight?”

“Yeah, I think so… Last night we took the real hurdle and we got past that. And what about you? Are you cuddling up to my pillow again?” The mere thought is cute enough to make me smile.

“Probably… Eero, I’m already counting the days until I get to see you again… I miss you and want you close… I hope you’ll have no nightmares tonight… Night, Eero… Sleep tight.”

“I love you too, Arttu, and you’ll be the last thing I will think of before I go to sleep… See you in four days…” This time it’s me ending the call and I sigh deeply as I place my phone on the armrest. Things would be perfect if Arttu were here too, but I understand why that can’t be. This is a family thing and Arttu isn’t family – not in that aspect. I console myself with the thought that we’ll be reunited soon. I yawn, and it makes me realize that I’m more tired than I thought. It’s time to go upstairs and face Tommi.

~~~

The room is empty though when I step into it. Tommi must be still at the beach then, talking to Ville. Enjoying my privacy, I take my time showering and then slip into my favorite over-sized T-shirt. I switch on the light on the night stand – although it’s still light outside, it doesn’t quite reach into the room.

I lie down and wonder what to do. Should I go to sleep or wait for Tommi? It might be best to wait, as he will spook me when he shows up eventually, especially when I’m asleep. Tommi’s book rests on the night stand and I pick it up. Clive Cussler… I never heard that name before. The title – Iceberg – doesn’t appeal to me, but then again, what am I to do until he shows up?

I start to read and quickly realize this isn’t my type book of all. I rather wrestle through one of my study books than read this. I wonder why Tommi likes it in the first place.

“Hey, I thought you would be asleep by now!” Tommi steps into the room and heads for the bathroom. “Ah well, now I don’t need to worry about waking you!”

I’m relieved that Tommi finally showed up and place the book in its original place again. “I’m not that tired,” I say, feeding Tommi a small lie. It’s true – I’m not that tired, but the main reason why I’m still awake is a different one. “Did you talk to Ville until now?” Tommi pokes his head out of the bathroom while brushing his teeth and points at the foam, showing me why he can’t answer my question. “That’s okay,” I say and smile.

Five minutes later, Tommi joins me again. He slips into the bed and pulls up his comforter. “We discussed his future plans. I like the idea of him working at a gym, but I also want to consider him being Jonne’s personal assistant for some time. Ville can keep Larry on the straight and narrow, and at the same time, he can keep an eye on Jonne. I can’t be around all the time, you see.”

I understand where Tommi’s coming from. “And you’re not worried that Ville might succumb to seduction?”

“Not really. He’s strong – at the moment that is.” Tommi turns onto his side and watches me. “Only three more days to go – time flies. I wish we had booked the cabin for a week instead of only five days.”

“I enjoy being here too,” I assure him. “Maybe we can do it again?”

“But not during winter! It gets too fucking cold here!”

Tommi’s eyes narrow and I’m under the impression that he wants to ask something, but is apprehensive about doing so. “Spill it. What is it?”

“Do you want me to turn on my other side for the night? Or do you want me to hold you?”

Tommi’s direct way makes me nervous. “I don’t know… I slept rather well when you held me, but I don’t want to impose. It’s bad enough that I always want Jonne close at night – when Arttu isn’t there of course.”

“Arttu makes the best pillow then?”

Tommi raises an arm and gestures for me to move closer. “Not sure about that,” I say, thinking it over. “But I like it best when he’s close.”

“Puppy love,” Tommi comments and grins. “But I’m happy for you – I really am. At least one of us has a lover.”

I move into Tommi’s arms and he wraps them around me. I rest my head against his chest and close my eyes. Like last night, I feel safe. I had never thought I would. “You will find someone too.” I pat his arm in an attempt to console him.

“What do you want to do tomorrow, Eero?”

The sudden change in subject surprises me and I need to think it over. “Maybe we can go to Oulu and see what the city is like? I’ve never been to Oulu.”

“You haven’t? All right, we can do that tomorrow. I’ll ask Jonne and Ville if they want to tag along.”

I feel relaxed, and safe enough, to ask Tommi a question of my own. “At the beginning, you thought of me as a loser…” Tommi wants to protest, but I raise my hand and shake my head. “No, hear me out. I felt wounded when I overheard your conversation with Jonne in the kitchen. Later on, I realized why you had acted that way. Finding out we’re related had you confused and that’s why you lashed out. During these last five months I found out more about you, and yes, I like you… But I wonder… How do you feel about me now? I know that the three of you have accepted me in to the family, but…”

Tommi draws in a deep breath and makes eye contact. “I know you better now too, Eero. Before, I was your manager and looked at you in a different way. Now that I’m your brother I feel protective of you. I love you… You’re strong, Eero. You went through all that trouble in your childhood and yet you fought. You’re a survivor in so many ways and I respect that. I respect you, Eero. Is that answer enough?”

“Yes, it is.” I smile, and for the first time, I truly enjoy and appreciate having Tommi for a big brother.

~~~

“Eero? Wake up… Let me go…”

Hum, what? I open one eye to find out what’s going on and realize I’m holding onto Tommi like an octopus, having curled my arms around him like tentacles and there is no way he can leave the bed. “What? Why?” What’s the time anyway? And why did he wake me? I’m still sleepy.

“I promised to go jogging with Ville and if you don’t let go, I will be late. I can deposit you in Jonne’s bed if you want me to.”

“No, thanks… I’ll stay right here. I release him from my hold, turn onto my other side, hug the spare pillow, and pull the comforter around me. “Have fun…running.” I’m so happy that I can stay in bed instead. Who in his right mind goes running when he can sleep instead?

“I’ll wake you when breakfast is ready…” Tommi strokes my hair, and only then leaves the bed. “Maybe you will join us tomorrow when we go running?”

“When pigs fly… No fucking way…” I wish Tommi would shut up. If he continues to talk like that I might seek out Jonne’s bed after all, but then again, Ville’s probably making Jonne equally miserable.

I listen to Tommi rummaging about in the bathroom and try to lock out the noise. I didn’t have a single nightmare last night, and therefore, I feel surprisingly rested. I’m not really tired – more like lazy. I never thought Tommi could have such a calming effect on me. He probably has no idea how unique it is for me to sleep undisturbed.

Tommi opens the bathroom door and steps into the bedroom again. I peek at him through half-closed eye slits and quickly close my eyes fully upon realizing that he tied back his hair. I really don’t like seeing him like that. Thankfully the memories leave me alone and I listen to Tommi silently leaving the room.

Ever since our ‘family council’ last night, I have been thinking about hiding the truth from Tommi. In my heart, I know that Jonne is right. I should tell Tommi the truth, but what if it changes everything? What if he acts differently toward me once he knows why I don’t feel comfortable around him at times?

But can I afford *not* tell him? Do I want this secret to stand between us for the rest of our lives? What if it changes things between us? The fact that he knows that something is wrong, but not knowing what it is might cause Tommi to act differently around me as well.

It looks like I have only one way out – I need to tell Tommi, but when and how? Do I want Jonne to be there? Do I want to do it in private, it being only Tommi and me? How will Tommi act and how will I react in turn? What if it ruins everything we built so far?

But what if not telling him ruins everything as well? Damn, my head hurts because I can’t decide on what to do and I’m developing a headache because of it. It doesn’t matter in what way I look at it – one thing is clear: I *do* need to tell Tommi the truth.

TBC

Part 6

I happen upon Jonne in the kitchen and I’m surprised to see him there. “Up already?”

Jonne raises an eyebrow. “Ville was excited about going jogging with Tommi and talked nonstop. There was no way I could go back to sleep after that.”

I nod in understanding. “Tommi woke me too.” I had stayed in bed for another twenty minutes, but had failed to go back to sleep. So, like Jonne, I had decided to get up. “And now you’re being nice and making breakfast for them?”

“Partly,” Jonne concedes. “I don’t want to have porridge again… And bacon and eggs isn’t my thing either. We have croissants in the oven and I’m also making toast.”

“I like those options better too.” I pour myself some coffee, which Jonne already made and study him. I add milk and sugar to it and stir. “Jonne?” He looks at me and cocks his head. “You’re right – I will tell Tommi, but I can’t promise you it will be within the next three days. Give me a little time, all right?” To my relief, Jonne nods. “I had hoped you would give me a little space.”

“I might have come on a bit too strong,” Jonne says as he sits down next to me after pouring himself some coffee too. “This must be hard on you and I ignored that.”

I sip and consider Jonne’s words. “I need to work up the courage to tell Tommi. I also worry about his reaction. I don’t think he will shun me afterwards or love me less, but I dread seeing a certain expression in his eyes after I tell him. I don’t want him to realize that he resembles that man.”

“Why didn’t you tell me right from the start? Tommi, and me too, always wondered why you seemed so afraid around him.”

“I didn’t realize it at first – not fully,” I admit. “But we started to work on it during therapy last month and that made me realize the resemblance.”

“You had locked it away…”

“I’ve tried hard to forget about what happened back then. My subconscious kicked in when I realized Tommi looked that way and tried to protect me. My therapist had to drag it from me. She hypnotized me and only then was I able to face my past.”

“I’m so glad you decided to do that therapy!” Jonne puts his hand atop of mine and squeezes. “You fought it for so long, but I really think this is the best thing for you.”

“You’re right…” I gently squeeze his hand back.

“Hey, they’re holding hands! Do you guys want to tell us something?” Ville storms into the kitchen, all sweaty and panting all over the place.

Jonne raises his head and gives Ville an evil look. “You’ll shower before I’ll feed you! Get going, mister Stinky!”

Ville laughs, turns around, and heads for the stairs. A moment later, Tommi appears and he winks at us before disappearing upstairs as well.

“Are we the lazy part of the family?” I ask Jonne in amusement. “I don’t see why I should tire myself in that way when I can be lazy!”

Jonne chuckles. “I’m the same way, Eero. Give me a bed, a couch, or whatever to sleep on, and I’m happy!” Jonne walks over to the oven, retrieves the croissants, and puts them into a bread basket. Then he starts making toast, and once the table is fully set, he settles down next to me again. “So we’re heading into Oulu today. I like your idea.” I throw Jonne a surprised look and he explains, “Tommi told me before Ville and he left to go jogging. You have never been to Oulu?”

I shake my head. “I haven’t… But I take it you have?”

“Sure… We’ve been here a number of times – mostly to play gigs, but we did some sightseeing too. I know my way about.”

“We’re hungry! Feed us!” Ville’s back and grabs a slice of toast. He sits down and plasters it with butter and marmalade. “Where is the bacon and eggs?”

“And the porridge?” Tommi asks upon sitting down as well. His wet hair, which he wears open, hugs his face and a few droplets make it onto his T-shirt.

“If you want some, you can make some,” Jonne quips and bites into his croissant, which he topped with marmalade. He ignores the insulted look Tommi gives him and sips from his coffee. “When are we heading into Oulu?”

“In an hour or so… It’s only a thirty minute drive,” Tommi decrees. He bites into his toast and drinks some milk. “We can eat out tonight… Or maybe have a non-alcoholic beer at a club?”

Ville shakes his head. “You and your non-alcoholic beer…. Eero isn’t an alcoholic, let him have some!”

“I don’t need any,” I interject. “I’m okay with non-alcoholic beer instead.” I like being sober. I didn’t think I would, but I don’t miss being drunk or getting high anymore and my brothers have everything to do with that.

“I want my picture taken with the fat policeman!” Jonne announces. “I’ve been to Oulu a number of times and I never managed to get one!”

“Did you bring a camera then?” Tommi butters another slice of toast and tops it with cheese.

“I might have…” Jonne narrows his eyes. “I might have one in my suitcase. I’ll have a look before we leave!”

Ville excitedly moves about on his chair and I wonder what’s up with that. “Ville?”

“I want a family picture! Do you realize that we don’t have any photos with all four of us on it? I want some! I want to frame them and put them up at home! I want one for my wallet!”

“I like that idea!” Tommi nods and pulls his mug filled with coffee closer. “We should do that, and if we don’t have a camera, we will buy one! We can’t have too many pictures anyway!”

Ville finishes breakfast and rises from his chair. “Come on, Jonne; let’s see if you packed your camera! And let’s get going then!”

Tommi winks at Ville. “Are you impatient by any chance?”

“It’s time for action!” Ville pulls Jonne to his feet and drags him along. Jonne looks like he might protest, but in the end, he decides against it, and follows Ville upstairs.

“Ville really has too much energy. I hope he’ll start to slow down! He exhausts me!”

I merely smile at Tommi. “But it beats him being depressed and drunk, doesn’t it?”

“You’re right.” Tommi nods and finishes his coffee. “I like Ville better this way. And I like you better this way too!”

Tommi’s hand moves across the table and covers mine. I grow flustered again – damn, why can’t I control it? “I like you better this way too. You’re mellow and… I feel comfortable with you.”

“That’s the biggest compliment you could possibly give me,” Tommi says and squeezes my hand. “And things will get even better now that you’re starting to relax around me.” Tommi wavers, but then says, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier that it makes a difference when I wear my hair open?”

I didn’t expect that question, and involuntarily, I bite down on my bottom lip. I remind myself that I want Tommi to know the truth and telling him this might be a first step. “I couldn’t. I didn’t remember certain things… My therapist had to hypnotize me in order for me to remember…” Tommi draws in a deep breath and a pained expression appears in his eyes. “I’m sorry that I come with so much emotional baggage… Things should have been different between us.”

“But they aren’t and we need to make things work the way they are. Thank you for telling me that, Eero… We’ll take small steps, okay?”

Tommi caught on then. “I appreciate it.”

“Why aren’t you ready yet? Come on, people, move, and get your things! I’m going to start the car in the meantime!” Ville rushes past us and right out of the door again.

“What was that?” Tommi chuckles. “Whirlwind or tornado?”

“Hurricane!” Jonne quips in turn. He smiles at seeing Tommi holding my hand. “But I would get ready if I were you. Ville’s riled up and might leave without us if we take too long in joining him.”

“Then let’s get ready!” Tommi gets to his feet, but refuses to let go of my hand yet.

I exchange a smile with Jonne, who nods, and quickly follow Tommi upstairs. In our room, he finally lets go of my hand and I pack my shoulder bag. I make sure that I have my wallet, mobile phone, and sunglasses, and then I’m ready to go. Let’s see what Oulu is all about!

~~~

I end up on the back seat with Jonne. Jonne, being the lazy ass he is, cuddles up to me and abuses my shoulder using it as a pillow. Ville switched on the radio and except for the music flowing through the car it’s silent. Everyone seems lost in his own thoughts. I have a good idea what Tommi might be thinking about and I wonder if he already figured everything out and is merely playing dumb.

“You’re tense,” Jonne whispers into my ear. “Why?’

I sigh deeply. “Thinking about Tommi,” I explain. “Everything will work out in the end, Jonne… I’m starting to believe that…”

“That’s good. Wake me up when we get there, will you?”

“Sure.” I pull Jonne’s hand into my lap and rub his fingers. It’s hard to imagine that a year ago I was about to hit rock bottom because I was depressed and all alone. I hadn’t thought it possible that my life would ever change – but it did.

~~~

“There he is!” Ville runs toward the fat policeman on the square and attempts to hug the statue. Of course he fails, as it’s much too big. “Jonne! Picture! Now!”

Jonne uncovers his camera and takes Ville’s picture. Do I want to know what else he has been hiding in that suitcase of his?

“Tommi, Eero, get over there too! I want a picture of the three of you!” Jonne gestures for us to get moving.

“We had better humor him,” Tommi remarks and we join Ville, who grabs hold of us instead of the statue. “Ville, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you’re doing drugs!”

“No drugs,” Ville says amused. “I’m merely happy to have the three of you with me!”

Jonne calls out to us and tells us to move closer together. I end up with Ville’s arm wrapped around my waist and Tommi standing behind us, who hugs us in turn. Jonne wants to do more than one picture and we indulge him.

“Ville, it’s your turn now!” Jonne indicates that Ville should take the next few pictures and the two of them change places.

Jonne attempts to hug Tommi and me simultaneously, but his arms are too short for that. We end up giggling and trying to hug each other the best way possible.

“My turn!” Tommi exchanges places with Ville and this time it’s easier to wrap each other in a hug. Tommi is too big and bulky for us. “I’ll have them enlarged and framed!” Tommi announces, sounding extremely pleased.

“Can I help?” A black-haired man, as tall as Tommi, suddenly addresses us. “You look like you would like to have a picture with all the four of you in it. I can take one if you want me to.”

Tommi blinks, frowns at the stranger, and then hands over the camera. “That would be great! Thank you!” Tommi gives the stranger a pensive look and then walks over to us. He gets into position behind us and calls, “You can take more than one if you want to!”

The black-haired man nods and takes several pictures. Tommi clearly enjoys the fact that it’s all four of us in the picture and whispers, “This is even better! I’ll frame this!”

“I took about ten pictures,” the black-haired man says and hands back Tommi the camera. “There should be at least one good picture among them!”

“Thanks again!” Tommi checks the display and smiles at seeing the pictures. “You’re right: I did want a picture of my brothers and me.” Tommi smiles at the stranger and for some reason, his gaze lingers a bit too long on the black-haired man.

“You’re welcome! Maybe we’ll run into each other again!” The stranger raises his hand, waves, and walks toward the city center.

Ville rolls his eyes, elbows his oldest brother in the side – rather roughly – and scolds, “Tommi, you idiot, you could have invited him for a beer, or coffee! Why did you let him leave?”

Tommi blinks in surprise. “What?”

“He offered to help! I doubt he does that often! And you… I saw that look in your eyes! Don’t think you can fool me! You liked him and then you let him get away! Tommi, did it ever cross your mind that he might be curious about us? Interested in one of us? That it might be the reason why he offered to help out?” Ville shakes his head. “Damn, now he’s gone…”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” I slap the back of Ville’s head. “The guy was being friendly and offered to take some pictures. That’s about it!”

Ville stares at me in shock. “Eero! You used to be able to pick up on such signals! What happened? Ah yes, you have Arttu now…”

I roll my eyes like Ville did a moment ago. “Ville, you need to get laid, do you know that?”

“Probably,” Ville agrees. “But sadly enough, no one wants to have sex with me!”

“Stop it!” I don’t need to hear the rest. “Ville, find someone to have sex with, I don’t care, but don’t discuss it with me!”

“Hum…” Ville frowns. “Having sex sounds great, but I’m not into one-nightstands…”

Jonne seems fed up and shakes his head. “Your right hand is your best friend, Ville. Make good use of it.”

“What? Right here and now? Jonne!”

Jonne shows Ville the finger and moves away. “Let’s have a cold drink to cool down!”

“That sounds good too! Jonne, wait for me!” Ville rushes to catch up with Jonne, who tries his best to ignore Ville.

Tommi falls into pace beside me and I wonder about the pensive look on his face. “Is anything wrong?”

“Maybe Ville is right – I wouldn’t notice it if someone was interested in me. I don’t pay people attention in that way.”

“Don’t take it too seriously, Tommi. Ville didn’t mean it that way.”

“No, he’s right… I always go on about wanting to find someone, but when chances present themselves I don’t notice them. That guy *was* good-looking and had amazingly green eyes. But I didn’t even think about asking him to join us for a drink as a thank you.”

“Who knows...?” I rub Tommi’s back through the fabric of his shirt as I feel for him. “Maybe you’ll run into that guy again.”

“Maybe, I doubt it though…”

I don’t know what happened just now, but Tommi seems depressed and I don’t like it. Maybe I can lift his spirits again – I do hope so!

~~~

After doing more sightseeing, we end up at Sokos. Jonne wanted to do some shopping, and now that we’re done, we have coffee at the restaurant. Seated next to the window, I have a perfect view of the street below me. Today was a great day. It felt great to roam the city with my brothers. In the past, I was alone, or maybe Ville would have joined me.

“It’s still sunny!” Tommi checks the time and looks impressed. “It’s eight in the evening and yet, it seems noon!”

“Great, isn’t it?” Ville loudly slurps his coffee and Jonne gives him an evil look because of it. Ville however can’t be bothered to behave and slurps even louder.

I let them talk and study the people on the street. It’s still rather crowded down there. Soon the shops will close, but the bars will open and that will attract a different crowd. Suddenly, I see a familiar form. Black jeans, red T-shirt, and the black hair with the red highlights – it’s the guy who took our picture earlier. What do I do? Let him pass by and ignore him? Or do I tell Tommi? He did seem disappointed at missing his chance earlier.

I missed chances in the past too and ended up regretting them too often. I take Tommi’s hand in mine and pull him toward me. Tommi looks confused, but I point at the street below me. “Look, it’s him.”

Tommi searches the street and his eyes widen when he realizes who I’m talking about. For one moment, it seems as if he’s going to run onto the street, but then Tommi tenses and pretends being disinterested. “Ah yes, that guy.” Tommi pointedly stares at his mug and ignores what’s going on outside.

Ville however caught on and towers over our table in order to look outside. “Tommi, that’s the guy! If you’re not going after him, I will.”

Tommi tenses further and I wonder why he isn’t acting. He seemed interested in the stranger earlier. “Ville’s right,” I back up my older brother. “What are the odds of running into him again? It’s fate! Get going, Tommi!”

Tommi however shakes his head. “I’ll end up disappointed again, so why bother?”

Suddenly, Ville gets to his feet and runs out of the restaurant. Tommi blinks and whispers, “What’s gotten into him?”

“What do you think, Tommi? He’s going after that guy of course!” Jonne shakes his head. “Tommi, really… Sometimes I wonder about you. You go on and on about wanting a lover and when something comes up, you ignore it!”

From my spot, I see Ville running onto the street, but he looks about and seems lost. He doesn’t have the view which I have and doesn’t know where to find our prey. I fish my mobile phone out of my shoulder bag and access Ville’s number. Ville answers right away. “Go right… He’s about twenty meters to your right.”

“What the hell are you doing?” Tommi looks shocked.

Jonne however, giggles like mad. “Go Eero!”

“I see him! Thanks Eero!” Ville ends the call and runs toward the stranger.

“Eero, why did you do that?” Tommi looks lost for some reason. “You can’t do this!”

“I just did and Ville is still doing it!” In the past, an irritated Tommi would have intimidated me, but not any longer. I’m no longer afraid for him. “Ville caught up with him!” Even though Tommi appears irritated, he still checks out what he’s happening on the street. “They’re talking.” I wink at Jonne, who grins back. Sometimes you have to force someone’s happiness.

“What can they be talking about?” Tommi grows increasingly nervous.

“My guess is that Ville’s inviting him for a drink either tonight or tomorrow,” Jonne says. “I wish I had better eye sight – then I could see him nod or shake his head and I would know his answer.”

“They’re still talking – I would say that’s a good thing!” I resist the urge to give Ville another call. I should give him time to set up the date!

“Ville’s coming back…” Jonne’s curiosity shows in moving about on his chair. “Call him, Eero!”

“Let’s wait for him to get here,” I decide. “Let’s not do this over the phone.” Ville’s getting closer and I can tell he’s smiling big time. He looks smug. “I’d say that he secured the date.”

“Date? Date? Well, Ville can go! I’m not going!” Tommi crosses his arms in front of his chest and pouts.

Three minutes later, Ville drops back onto his chair. His smile turned into a smug grin and he imitates Tommi by crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Ask me,” he says, addressing Tommi. “Come on, ask me!”

“No!” Tommi glares at Ville. “Who told you to go after him? I didn’t!”

“Even if Tommi doesn’t want to know, I do! Tell us what happened!” Jonne will fall off his chair if he continues to move like that! “I need to know, Ville!”

Ville turns toward Jonne and me and ignores Tommi for now. “His name’s Juha and he lives in Oulu. We talked for a few minutes and I told him that we wanted to thank him for helping out earlier. He suggested we meet at a nearby club in an hour. I said we would be there.”

Tommi releases a deep, troubled-sounding sigh. “You shouldn’t have done that!”

“On the contrary! He asked if it would be just me or if you would be there as well.”

“He did?” Tommi’s eyes show his disbelief. “And how do you know he asked about me? Maybe he meant Jonne or Eero!”

“No, he asked about that tall guy – and let’s be honest, neither Jonne nor Eero are big.”

Tommi wavers, but then shakes his head rather determinedly. “We’re not going. You embarrassed yourself in vain.”

“I didn’t embarrass myself. Juha seemed happy to see me and he accepted right away.”

I study Tommi and am surprised to realize that he’s scared. He never mentioned past relationships and the other night, he sounded sad when he talked about being single. “Do you like him? The way he looks? Did Juha make a good first impression on you?”

My questions seem to surprise Tommi, but he nods after thinking it over. “I guess so,” he admits. “He seemed like a nice guy.”

“Then it’s decided. We’re going to that club to have a drink, and don’t worry, we’ll get non-alcoholic beer.” Tommi is about to protect, but I shake my head. “No, we’re going – with or without you.”

“I’m impressed,” Jonne quips. “Our baby brother turned into a little dictator. Well, Tommi, we had better do what Eero says. I don’t want him to get mad with us. Who knows what kind of payback he has in mind for us.”

Tommi still seems undecided, but I’m not giving him a choice. “Where are we meeting Juha, Ville?”

“He said he would be at the Nuclear Night club at nine thirty… No idea where that is, but we’ll find it!”

“I still think that this is a bad idea,” Tommi comments. “This guy doesn’t know me. Why would he be interested in me? And how would he know that I like men to begin with?” A horrified expression appears on Tommi’s face. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

“I didn’t need to… Tommi, you used to be able to tell if someone liked men or not. You’re out of practice!” Ville leans forward and grins at his oldest brother. “He didn’t wear a ring and I doubt he would agree to meet you if he had a boyfriend. You might actually have a chance, Tommi! Don’t you fucking mess it up!”

“I still wish you hadn’t done that,” Tommi repeats. “And why did you help him, Eero?”

“Because I want you to try,” I explain. “The guy’s cute… You should get to know him, Tommi. If things don’t work out, you move on, but what if he likes you and you two hit it off? Try, damnit! I agree with Jonne and Ville. Give it a shot!”

“It’s three against one then…” Tommi still doesn’t seem pleased. “You saw what he looked like, didn’t you?” Tommi looks down at the clothes he’s wearing. “And you know what I look like?”

Jonne suddenly perks up. “I can help! We’re at Sokos and the store is open for one more hour! We can make good use of that time!”

Tommi stares at Jonne in shock. “I’m not going shopping with you! I know what you’re like! And how do you want to explain the changed outfit? Oh yes, my brother found out about our date and decided to give me a makeover? No!”

“Tommi?” I never thought I would be the one to encourage Tommi to do this. “What do you have to lose? You have a date… That’s it. You’re not getting married!”

All of sudden Tommi’s mood changes and he bursts out laughing. “Oh fuck, you’re right. I’m being a drama queen, am I not? Normally that would be Jonne, but he acts normal for a change.”

“You’re always the drama queen,” Jonne counters, obviously feeling a tad insulted. “Out of the four of us, you’re the worst!”

Their bantering made Tommi relax again. “All right, I will let you find me some trousers. I shouldn’t show up in these… They’re okay for the beach, but not on a date.”

“What are we waiting for?” Jonne gets to his feet and heads for the exit. “We need to shop!”

TBC

Part 7

“All right, you convinced me, I’ll buy them.” I don’t feel completely comfortable in these jeans, but they beat the beachwear I’m wearing.” The smug look on Jonne’s face makes me want to strangle him. He always acts like that when I tell him he’s right.

“See, Tommi, I told you they would look good on you!” Jonne leans against the wall and licks his lips. “How about a nice shirt? I’m not so sure that gray T-shirt will attract Juha’s attention.”

I sigh, maybe overly dramatically, but I don’t care. This is why I avoid going shopping with Jonne. “Don’t get me anything in red or yellow though!”

“How about green?” Eero already selected an apple green shirt and offers it to me.

“That shade of green is horrible. Put it away, Eero!” I’m willing to do a lot for my youngest brother, but I’m not wearing that. Eero acts insulted, but his eyes smile, so it’s not that bad.

“Maybe something stylish in black?” Jonne remarks and pulls a dress-shirt from the rack. “It’s different from your usual hippie style!”

This time I *do* feel insulted. I happen to like my hippie style as Jonne puts it! “It might work…” I’ll probably end up buying and wearing it just to shut them up, or else they will continue to nag all evening.

“I know where to find that damn nightclub!” Ville shows up waving a piece of paper. “They explained it to me and it’s rather near, just like Juha said.” Ville raises an eyebrow, looks me up and down, and says, “You should definitely wear that black dress- shirt with those jeans!”

It’s three against one then – why am I not surprised? Ville and Eero instigated this. For once I can’t be angry with Jonne, because he did nothing to hook me up with this date. It was Ville who ran onto the street and Eero who helped him.

Why did I give into them? Going on this date is a very bad idea and I should stop this madness right now. Yes, I’ve got cold feet, but can you blame me? I didn’t have a successful love life until now.

“We have ten minutes until they close the store. We need to buy this and we’ll worry about styling later.” Jonne directs me back into the fitting cabin and hands me the dress shirt. “Try this on, but be fast!”

“It fits.” I don’t need Jonne’s next directions as I know I need to be fast. I hand him the clothing and while I get dressed, Jonne heads for the register and pays for everything.

“We’re going to make this date work!” Ville announces. “No matter what. We will raise Juha’s interest in you!”

I wish I had his confidence, but I don’t. Maybe it would be different if I’d had more positive experiences in the past. This is not the right moment to dwell on them though, as they’re asking customers to leave the store because they’re about to close.

“We have everything we need,” Jonne says as he returns. “Let’s get going.”

I follow my brothers out of Sokos and feel a bit odd. Normally it’s me leading the way and now they’ve taking that position. Ville and Eero are busy talking and I don’t bother listening in on them. They’re probably discussing ways for me to impress Juha. Why are they making such a big deal out of it? We’re meeting Juha for a drink and that’s it. We won’t see him again and I’ll move on with my life. Maybe if I keep reminding myself of that it will be easier to relax. This isn’t a date! Why did I let them convince me it was? We’re having a drink with this guy and that’s it. Then he will go home and we will drive back to our holiday home and that will be the end of it. I’m not stressing out about it. I’m not.

“You seem less tense…”

Eero falls into pace beside me and smiles encouragingly. “I realized that, although you three are making this into a big date story, it isn’t. We’re meeting someone for a drink and that’s it. We will go home afterwards and never see each other again.” Yes, when I think of it that way, I feel more relaxed. The expression in Eero’s eyes alerts me. It changed from mellow to watchful and it’s something I never witnessed before. The intensity of it makes me wonder. “What is it?”

“Thinking like that makes you feel safe, but it will also prevent you from taking a risk and giving it a shot. Trust me, I’ve been there and done that. Telling yourself that it won’t be a success and that you have nothing to lose is… It’s wrong, Tommi.”

That’s an impressive speech coming from the normally so quiet Eero. In my heart I know he’s right, but… “It’s easier this way. I don’t want to get my hopes up, don’t you understand?”

“You sound like you didn’t have much success regarding relationships in the past,” Eero remarks, probably in the hope that I will elaborate, but I shake my head instead of offering him an explanation.

“Get in there! And change!” Jonne suddenly pushes the shopping bag into my hands and drags me into a pub. “Restroom, and be quick!” I don’t get a chance to say no as I find myself in the restroom suddenly. Jonne is trying to get off my shirt and I definitely need to stop him.

“Out! I can change myself! I don’t need you to do that!” I turn Jonne around and march him out of the room. I love my brothers dearly, but right now they fucking irritate me. I lock the door, so none of my dear brothers can get inside, and change into my new clothing. I had better get this date, as they call it, over with.

“Tommi, open the fucking door so I can do your hair!”

I blink. My hair? Jonne isn’t touching my hair! I open the door though as I do need to leave the place and find Jonne blocking my way. I can shove him aside, but I don’t like manhandling Jonne in public. “Move.”

“No fucking way!” Jonne moves forward and pushes me back into the restroom. He uncovers a comb and a brush and tells me to sit on the toilet seat as I’m too tall for him to reach my hair standing up. I’ve experienced Jonne’s foul moods before and judge it best to obey and so I sit down.

“You need to look good tonight!” After saying that, Jonne starts brushing my hair and I do my best not to show my discomfort when he pulls at it.

“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” I look at Jonne via the mirror on the wall. “We’re having a drink with this guy, that’s it.”

“Tommi, it’s obvious that this guy likes you and you always go on about being lonely. Can you blame us for wanting this to work out? We want you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever you decide on. We don’t want you to feel lonely!”

Jonne has finished doing my hair – thankfully – and I pull him into my arms. “Jonne, I’m never lonely. I have the three of you. How can I possible be lonely?” Jonne smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“That’s different and you know it, Tommi. We’re your brothers – family. But having a lover is different. And you deserve only the best, so let’s check on this Juha and see if he’s quality material, all right?”

“Like you would accept me saying no!” I get to my feet again and release Jonne. “You make me nervous though. Do me a favor and stop referring to it as a date. We’re having a drink, that’s it.”

“What’s taking you so fucking long? I need to use the restroom. Jonne, Tommi, get the fuck out!”

“Ville sounds like he needs to go urgently,” Jonne says and chuckles. He opens the door, and while Jonne and I step outside, Ville rushes in there and closes the door behind him. Jonne takes my hand and we join Eero who sits at the bar.

“What are you having?” I cast a critical look at his drink and relax upon seeing he’s having coffee.

“Coffee… I thought I should order something… They looked rather irritated when we rushed into the restroom like that.” Eero looks me up and down and grins. “Looking good!”

“Thanks.” I ignore the looks he gives me and study Eero in turn. The change he’s going through amazes me. When we left Tampere, he still acted skittish around me and now he’s teasing me. I wish I had known earlier that wearing my hair open would make such a difference. I’ve been thinking about his admission that I resemble someone from his past – someone he’s afraid of, and no matter how much I think about it, there’s only one person I can come up with who would scare him like that– the foster-father who abused him. I don’t like that idea, but it would explain a lot, starting with that evening when Eero thought I would hit him.

“Tommi, are you angry with Ville and me for setting you up?”

Eero sounds uncertain and the look he gives me speaks of anxiety. “No, why would I? I know that you mean well. I don’t get angry easily, and trust me; it would take a lot for me to get angry at you.” I hate seeing Eero apprehensive and want him to relax again. “Maybe you’re right, you know. Maybe I should give it a try and it’s probably a good thing that you kicked my ass.” I place my hand over his and rub his fingers. Jonne, Ville and I, reach out easily and we like to touch each other in order to offer comfort or reassurance. Eero had a hard time accepting my touch at first, but he’s getting better at accepting it.

“Thanks.” Eero smiles, and this time, the expression in his eyes changes accordingly. “I only mean well.”

“I know that…” Slowly I pull Eero into my arms so I can hug him. “So, do you have any advice for me when I meet Juha?”

Eero starts to blush and his reaction causes me to chuckle. Eero’s reactions are often easy to predict and he blushes a lot when I compliment him or ask him for advice.

“Not really – just be yourself…”

“That’s easier said than done!” I keep an arm wrapped around Eero’s shoulder and quicken our pace so we can catch up with Ville and Jonne. I need to know what those two are up to.

“That’s the Nuclear Nightclub. That’s where we’re supposed to meet Juha,” Ville says as he points out the place.

I’m still not sure how I feel about this. A part of me wants to turn and walk away, but another tells me that there’s no harm in meeting with Juha for a drink. I follow Ville and Jonne inside and spot Juha at once. He made himself comfortable on a couch in the corner. He raises his hand, waves, and smiles at me. I do my best *not* to blush, but I do feel vulnerable.

“Have fun,” Eero whispers into my right ear. “You can find us at the counter.”

I want to stop him from leaving, but Eero’s quick and joins his brothers at the counter. I hope they stick to non-alcoholic stuff, but I know that I can’t control their actions. I draw in a deep breath, turn around, and advance on Juha. “Hello!” Great, that sounds stupid. Why can’t I think of anything else to say?

“Hey, it’s nice to see you again. I had hoped you would come! Sit down. Do you want anything to drink?” Juha remains seated, but smiles at me, and points at the space next to him.

I sit down and feel my brothers’ eyes upon me. They’re probably watching my every move. “Coffee would be good.” I need the caffeine and it seems like a safe choice, as Juha’s having coffee too. I like it that Juha isn’t drinking alcohol.

“Hey, can I have one coffee over here?” Juha calls out to the bartender, who nods at receiving the order. “I know the owner,” Juha says. “So I’m allowed to boss the bartenders around. I also get all drinks for free. It’s nice to have friends in good places!”

The bartender drops off my coffee and I cast a quick look at my brothers. They’re sitting in a way that I can’t see what they’re having and I decide to stop worrying about them. They’re adults and hopefully know better than to get drunk. “I take it you come here often then?” I reach for the coffee and sip it black. I need my wits about me and hopefully the caffeine will do the trick.

“Yes, I like to harass Mikko when he’s working… I try to boss him around as well, but he merely shows me the finger…” Juha reaches for his coffee and wraps his fingers around the mug. “So what brings you to Oulu? You’re not from around here. I haven’t seen you before.”

I’m amazed at the ease with which Juha keeps our conversation going. “We’re on a holiday. I rented a holiday home on the beach and we’re staying there. We needed time away from work and to bond again. I love my brothers, but sometimes, you start to drift apart.” Juha is a stranger and I’m not telling him about the problems Eero’s having. That’s private.

“You chose a good spot then, and the best time as well. The heat wave will stop the day after tomorrow, but you’ll still have one day left to spend on the beach!”

Juha scans me and I know I’m being studied, probably being judged as well. I let him, but don’t check him out in turn. We’re having a drink and then we’ll never see each other again. No need to put him to the test. “Do you have any brothers?”

“I have one. His name’s Jarmo and he’s a couple of years older than me. I also have two older sisters. I’m the Benjamin of the family. It has its benefits and drawbacks though!”

“And do you live here? In Oulu, I mean?” The fact that I’m coming up with questions surprises me. Normally I’m no good at small talk, especially when it’s someone I’m interested in. In the past, I tensed up and felt speechless. Talking to Juha however is surprisingly easy.

“I lived in Helsinki for some years, but I got homesick,” Juha says, “I started to miss my family. My parents, sisters, and friends still live in Oulu and I moved back last year. I would have moved back earlier, but I needed a steady job first.”

The expression in Juha’s eyes changes and I’m under the impression that I might have passed his test. After all, he’s still talking to me and hasn’t announced his departure yet. “What do you do for a living?” I’ve realized that Juha’s steering the conversation in such a way that I can keep coming up with questions and I’m grateful for that. I hate silences.

“I work at a company that sells sound equipment. I’m a sound technician, so my work is rather varied. It ranges from selling products to doing customer service in case they wreck something or can’t figure out how to make it work.”

I like the fact that he has a job – it means he’s goal-orientated and knows what he wants out of life. “Do you like your job?”

“It’s okay… I have great coworkers and the pay is okay too. I’m content doing it. How about you though? What do you do?”

Hum, how am I going to phrase this without sounding arrogant, smug, or too ambitious, as I don’t want to scare him off? “I work at a record label. I promote bands, contact the managers, and arrange for gigs. Stuff like that.” That sounded okay, didn’t it?

“You’re into music too, that’s good…” Juha whispers and smiles.

Juha’s smile is quite something and I find myself staring at him in trance. A sigh leaves my lips and I wish that for once in my life something will work out. I really like Juha and would love to get to know him better. Too bad that I’ll never see him again after tonight.

“Is there a special reason why your brothers look at me like that?”

“Like what?” I quickly look at Ville, knowing he’s probably at the root of all evil, but Ville merely grins before turning his attention back to Eero.

“Like they’re going to tie me down and drag me off. Like they’ll pounce on me, should I say something wrong.”

Juha’s observations make me chuckle. “You nailed them in one go! I’m impressed! Sorry about them, but they’re like that… We’re rather protective of each other.”

“I’ll survive,” Juha says jokingly. “They’re rather obvious though, don’t you think? Staying over there so we can talk in private.”

This time my face grows hot and I know I’m blushing. “I never said they’re smart.”

Juha laughs. “No, you didn’t. Do you want to invite them over?”

“I’m not sure about that.” I don’t want them to imply things all the time. “Maybe we should let them be for a little longer.”

Juha nods and sips from his coffee. “When are you leaving?”

“In two days, on Monday… We’ll drive back home to Tampere.”

“You live in Tampere then?”

“Most of the time yes, but I spend a lot of time in Turku as well – and that’s business-related. I have a small apartment there because meetings often run late and then I don’t want to drive back to Tampere.” I surprise myself by opening up so quickly to Juha. Normally I’m a private person and I don’t like to talk about myself, but things are different with Juha. His eyes possess an inviting quality and he seems genuinely interested in me. Juha places his empty mug on the table and studies me again. I wonder what that is about.

“I was happy when your brother showed up earlier. I was thinking about you and realized that it was a pity that I didn’t ask for your phone number.”

Juha’s honesty is something I didn’t expect, not like that, and I don’t know how to react to it. I stay quiet for a moment so I can gather my thoughts. “I’m basically a shy guy and I wouldn’t have sought you out like Ville did. He didn’t think twice and went after you.”

“I’m glad he did…” Juha casts a quick look at the counter and smiles. “They’re still watching us.”

“Does that make you uncomfortable?” This isn’t the best setting to get to know each other. We might do better in private.

“Not exactly, but I do feel monitored.” Juha uncovers a card from a pocket and offers it to me. “It has my phone number. Why don’t you give me a call tomorrow? I know a nice Greek restaurant where we can have dinner tomorrow evening. Try to leave your brothers at home though. I don’t think you need their protection.”

Juha’s right, of course. I take hold of his card and put it away. “I’ll call. I’ll also try to convince them to stay at home. I can’t guarantee though that they will listen to me.”

“Do your best, Tommi… I’d prefer to have dinner with *you* and not the four of you… Let’s invite them over now – they’re giving me evil looks…”

They’re curious and want to know what’s going on. “You’re probably right…” I raise my right hand and gesture for them to join us. They get up and make their way over to us. I watch them introduce themselves to each other and then lean back, letting Juha do the talking. He seems well-equipped to handle their questions and I relax. I uncover his card again and look at it – Juha Kylmänen… The name seems familiar... I memorize the phone number, just in case I might lose the card, and then turn my gaze back to Juha, who’s charming my brothers into liking him. Yes, I’ll call him tomorrow – let’s see what happens then.

~~~

“Call me,” Juha says before turning around and heading home. He looks at me from over his shoulder, raises an arm, and waves goodbye.

I wave at him in turn and watch him until he’s vanished from view. That was quite an evening! My brothers actually behaved when they joined us and didn’t corner or interrogate Juha. And Juha… Juha was perfectly at ease. All five of us got along just fine!

“Earth to Tommi… Earth to Tommi… You need to come down from cloud seven for a moment,” Ville quips and moves his hand in front of my face. “Snap out of it. Yes, he has a great ass, but it’s gone now.”

I’m sorely tempted to shake Ville into behaving again, but I’m afraid I might shake up his brains, if he has any! “I wasn’t staring at his ass!”

“Too bad, you should have!” Ville quickly creates some distance between us and hides behind Eero. “That went well, don’t you think?”

We head for our car and I don’t feel like answering any of their questions, but I also know that’s just the start of the questioning. “Yes, it did.”

“Juha gave you his phone number, didn’t he?”

I knew that Jonne wouldn’t stay out of it – he’s curious too. “Yeah, he did.”

“Are you going to call him? You should!” Jonne nods repeatedly. “Even a blind man can tell that he’s interested in you! You would be a fool to let him slip away.”

I wish I could lecture Jonne on being wrong, but I have the feeling he’s right for a change. Juha *is* interested – even I could tell so. “Maybe…if you stop nagging.” That shuts up Jonne, but not Ville.

“He’s handsome… He’s got a cute smile and he seems smart. Those qualities must appeal to you. Juha’s your type, Tommi!”

I’m grateful that at least Eero isn’t getting involved. I can handle Jonne and Ville, but I’m still insecure about telling off Eero. “Shut up, Ville.”

“You’re calling him in the morning,” Ville says decisively. “And you’ll meet him for dinner, even if I have to kick your ass over there.”

“And who are you bringing along for that?” I arch an eyebrow at him. “Shorty.”

“That’s mean!” Ville points a finger at me. “I can kick your ass whenever I like because I have back up!”

“Yes, I’d help,” Jonne says. “And so would Eero…”

I look at Eero and he gives me an apologetic smile. So Eero also thinks that I need to do this. “I’ll call him tomorrow, but please shut up. You drive me nuts!” Thankfully, we have arrived at the car and I tell them to get them inside. I shake my head when Ville tries to take the driver’s seat. I don’t know what kind of drinks he had and I’m not taking chances.

“I’m sober!” Ville stomps his foot loudly. “I can drive.”

I sit down behind the wheel and ignore him. Once Ville also takes his seat – under protest, I might add – I switch on the music. Jonne and Ville know what it means, namely that they should leave me alone and thankfully they heed the warning and stay quiet.

It remains quiet on the back seat and to make sure everything is fine, I look at Jonne and Eero from over my shoulder. Jonne’s still awake and gives me a dirty look, but Eero’s blissfully asleep. He cuddled up to Jonne, who seems okay with being reduced to a pillow.

“He’s asleep,” Jonne whispers. “Did we wear him down?”

I shrug. “Maybe… Let’s hope he stays asleep. I’ll put him to bed when we’re home.”

“Tommi, you *do* know that we mean well when we nag at you?” Ville whispers his question as he doesn’t want to wake Eero either.

“I do…Don’t be silly… But you got onto my nerves earlier. I was already nervous about talking to Juha and you… You guys kept such a close eye on us that we didn’t feel at ease talking.”

“You know what we’re like,” Jonne offers in a loving voice. “That’s why I think that having dinner with Juha is a good idea. You should take him up on it.”

“I said I would call, didn’t I?”

“I also know that you change your mind when you get cold feet,” Jonne points out. “Tommi, you have a chance with Juha. Don’t fuck it up.”

Jonne might be right about that. Something tells me that I might have a chance with Juha and that I should try to make it work. If he dumps me, so be it, but I should have tried.

~~~

“Let me do that…” Ville attempts to lift Eero from the back seat, but it’s easier if I do it. Ville steps back, takes Jonne’s hand in his, and they head for the house. I lift Eero, cradle him against my chest, and push the car door shut. Jonne already opened the door and I step into the house. “I’ll see you in the morning,” I tell Jonne and Ville, who head into the kitchen for a midnight snack.

I climb the stairs and luckily the door to our room is still open. I place Eero onto the bed and cover him with the comforter. It’s five minutes to midnight and I decide against joining my brothers in the kitchen. I want to stay with Eero instead – in case he has a nightmare and startles awake.

Suddenly his bag starts to move and I grab it, searching for the phone which is about to ring. Arttu’s name appears on the display and I answer the call. “Arttu, it’s me, Tommi.” I walk into the bathroom, but keep the door ajar so I can keep an eye on Eero.

“Tommi? What are you doing answering the phone? Where’s Eero?”

Arttu sounds worried, but not overly. “Eero fell asleep on our way home and I put him to the bed just now. Do you want me to wake him?

“No, it’s okay… But can you tell him that I will call tomorrow at noon instead?

“I will.” Eero moves about on the bed, and I expect him to wake up, but he merely pulls his knees to his chest and the comforter closer to his body. He’s still asleep. “He’s doing great, Arttu.”

“I’m glad to hear it… Eero felt apprehensive about going on this trip.”

“I know that… but he’s starting to relax around me. He seems less afraid of me.” I consider my next words and decide to voice them. “Especially now that I no longer tie back my hair.” I practically sense Arttu tense up at the other side. “He’s working up the courage to tell me why that is, but I think I’ve figured it out on my own.”

“Did you? Or do you just think you did?”

Ah, the Aatamila genes show: he’s trying to confuse me. “I look like him, don’t I? The bastard who abused him at that foster family.”

Arttu sighs. “Looks like you figured it out. Eero’s afraid to tell you. He’s scared that you’ll feel bad about it… That you’ll start to avoid him, or act differently. He’s finally starting to trust you and he doesn’t know how it will affect your relationship.”

“Thanks for confirming it, Arttu. This way I’m better prepared when he finally tells me, and don’t worry, nothing will change. I still love him… Well, the only thing that might change is that I will stop wearing a pony tail and I don’t mind doing that if it makes Eero more comfortable.”

“That’s good news… Tommi, please tell Eero that I love him when he wakes up and that I’m thinking about him. I miss him…”

Suddenly, I get an idea. Maybe I can do something nice for them. “Arttu, would you like to drive here and spend some days with Eero? I can call the agency tomorrow to book the home for a few more days. It’s really great out here and I do it would you good – both of you.”

“I like that idea! Do you think that’s possible? And would you pay for it? I’m broke, you know!”

“You’re always broke, but that’s okay. You’re a student, and yes, I’ll pay… Why don’t you drive up to here on Monday?”

“Sure, I can do that. I don’t have any plans for the upcoming week… How long do you think we can stay?”

“I’ll arrange for you to have the house for a few days. How about you drive home on Friday?”

“Tommi, that’s great!”

“Okay, I’ll arrange for it tomorrow… If it doesn’t work out, I’ll give you a call and we will come up with an alternative. If I don’t call, everything’s fine and you can stay here.”

“Tommi, thanks!”

“You’re welcome. I should have thought of it earlier.” Being up here and having some privacy might also help them deepen their relationship. “Eero’s in safe hands with me so don’t worry. I’ll tell him you called.”

“Thanks again, Tommi… Bye then!”

“Bye, Arttu.” I switch off the phone and remove my clothes. I slip into a T-shirt and join Eero in bed. The moment I lie down, he moves towards me and I bury him in a hug. Today was a good day and I hope that tomorrow will be even better!

TBC

Part 8

I wake up early the next morning, but after a quick look at the alarm clock, I decide to stay in bed a little longer. It’s only six and I’ll wake up Eero if I move now. I want him to sleep though, especially since his sleep is peaceful and free of nightmares. I move slightly, pull Eero closer, and study his face, which is completely relaxed in sleep.

I understand why he’s afraid to tell me about his secret, but he doesn’t have to feel like that. Nothing will ever change my brotherly feelings for him. I regret the fact that Eero’s nemesis still haunts him, and if I could, I would get even with the bastard. But seeking the guy out would only complicate matters.

Instead I need to help Eero move on. I need to reassure him time and time again that we’re okay and that I’m not angry with him. I wish I could go back in time and change what happened back then. If only our mother had told me about Eero, then I might have been able to make a difference!

I didn’t tell Eero, but I confronted our mother with her past deeds. She wasn’t pleased that I had found out, and at first, she refused to discuss Eero. When she did agree to talk about him, she said she had made mistakes back then and that Eero was one of them. She shocked me when she said that she would have opted for an abortion if she had to make that decision again. She would have decided against having him.

When she told me that, I turned away, and marched right out of the door. My relationship with my mother is already bad to begin with. I can reason with our father, but our mother is a different story. It’s also the reason why I never mention visiting her to Eero. I don’t want him to find out – or even worse, hear her say those damning words. It’s my job to protect Eero and that’s exactly what I will do.

Eero stirs in my arms and I sooth him right away. “No need to wake up yet. Stay asleep… Everything is okay… I’ve got you.” Eero settles down and drifts into a deeper state of sleep. “What do I do with you… I’ll keep you safe, that’s it. No one will ever hurt you again…” I kiss the top of his head and close my eyes. I’ve always been protective of Jonne and Ville. We’re all we have and I’m the oldest so I need to watch out for them.

“Hey, Tommi…”

Surprised, I look at the doorway. Ville stands there and gives me an expectant look.

“Are you coming along jogging? I’m leaving in ten.”

“Thanks for thinking of me, but no… I don’t want Eero to wake up, so I’m staying put. Maybe tomorrow!” Ville nods, turns around, and disappears from view.

“You don’t have to stay put on my account… You can go jogging…”

Eero’s voice takes me aback and I lower my head to look at him. His eyes are open, although he looks rather sleep-drunk. “No way… Go back to sleep, Eero. It’s too early for you to be awake.” Eero moves so he doesn’t have to strain his neck in order to look at me. He’s waking up though, something I wanted to prevent.

“Tommi… I dreamt of Arttu… I dreamt that he was here at the beach house and that he was holding me, instead of you…” Eero, still affected by the aftermath of sleep, looks oddly guilty.

“That was a nice dream. Why don’t you go back to it?”

“I’m too awake now… Seriously, I won’t freak out if you leave.”

“I don’t think you will, but I enjoy holding you, so let me, and don’t push me into going jogging when I’d rather hold you.” Being subtle doesn’t work with Eero, so I need to be direct.

“If you say so…”

Eero’s mood shifts and I don’t like the negative vibrations I’m picking up on. I need to distract him. “What do you think of Juha? You had time to observe and talk to him last night.” Eero’s mood shifts again, and this time, he smiles at me.

“I like him. He seems to be a nice guy… Did you set up another date?”

Ah, the distraction worked! “I’ll call him after breakfast. He suggested having dinner together. Apparently he knows a nice Greek restaurant where we can eat. He told me to leave the three of you at home though!”

“He’s right about that. You need privacy to get to know him and not us watching your every move! Juha seems really nice…”

“So you approve of him?” Eero nods and I chuckle. “I hope the three of you don’t mind being deserted. We’re here so we could spend time together and now I’m deserting you.”

“You’re not! We don’t begrudge you an evening with Juha, especially considering he’s nice and handsome.”

“So I should accept and have dinner with him?”

“Of course! Why are you even asking me that question? You’d better call him after breakfast, or else, I will!”

I like seeing this particular side to Eero. I haven’t seen it before and I like it that he’s no longer scared to speak his mind. If only he would tell me his secret – then we could truly move on. “I’m not letting you guys style me though. I’m wearing my hippie outfit tonight.”

“That’s okay… Juha should get to know the real you – not someone you pretend to be.”

“You’re really wise; do you know that, Eero?” Just as I expected, Eero grows flustered. “I’m happy that you’re my brother and grateful that I found out about you. If you hadn’t put my name on the hospital papers I would have never found out.” I chuckle softly in remembrance. “I was mad as hell back then…” Eero smiles instead of getting fearful, and it shows how much he has grown emotionally. “Whatever happens in the future, you’re a part of this family – a part of my life.”

Eero swallows convulsively and his expression darkens. Maybe he’s considering telling me about the resemblance and I hold my breath as I wait for him to make his decision. I wish I could make it easier on him, but telling him that I already know the truth would mean taking away control from him. I don’t want that, as I have the feeling that being in control is important to Eero. I don’t blame him – it’s a very personal matter.

“Tommi, you don’t know what this means to me… You must understand... I knew about the three of you for so long and I only dared to approach Ville because we had attended the same primary school. If you hadn’t found out – I would never have told you. I was certain that you wouldn’t want me… I told myself to be content to have Ville’s friendship. That way, I was close to at least one of you.”

I feel deeply for Eero, and again, I regret not knowing about our relationship when I was younger. “But you’re close to all three of us now, and you’re even letting me in. You’re not afraid of me any longer, are you?”

Eero’s features relax and he smiles. “Not that much… Sometimes I still get that feeling, but most of the time I feel all right.”

“That’s great!” I can’t expect Eero to recover from those memories overnight. They’ll stay with him for a long time, but at least their influence is weakening. “What do you want to do? Go back to sleep? Make breakfast? Sit on the veranda?” Eero’s eyes widen and I know I hit bull’s eye. “You like sitting outside?”

“That would be nice, yes… It’s hot in here and it’s still cool outside.”

“We will do that.” I can tell him about Arttu’s call then. “Why don’t you go there already and I get us something to drink. Is milk fine? Cold milk…”

“Cold milk is fine…”

Eero releases me and sits up in bed. He swings his feet onto the floor and drags the comforter behind him as he makes his way outside. I chuckle at seeing that and head for the kitchen. I pour two glasses of milk and take them outside.

Eero pushes two chairs closer together, sits down, and tucks the comforter around his body. Upon seeing me, he lifts the fabric and gestures for me to sit next to him. I put the milk on the wooden floor and sit down. He partly covers me with the comforter and rests his head against my shoulder.

“It’s much better out here. I like the cool air.”

I reach for the milk, hand him his, and sip from mine. “By the way, Arttu called last night. You were already asleep and he didn’t want me to wake you.” Eero lifts his head and looks at me. “He said he would call again at noon. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you and misses you.”

Eero blushes and averts his gaze. “I don’t know what I did to deserve him.”

“No, you *do* deserve him, Eero. You’re entitled to the best.” Eero shrugs and I draw in a deep breath. Eero’s right. The air is much better out here. “You’re a good person, Eero. Never doubt that…”

“That’s easy for you to say… You never felt… like…” Eero fails to finish that sentence. Instead, he searches for words and then adds, “Inferior… Damaged goods… Not good enough for anything – anyone.”

So, it looks like it’s my turn to share some personal history. It’s something that needs to be done and maybe it will help Eero deal with his issues. “That’s not true, Eero… I’ve had my share of misfortune as well.” Eero frowns. That’s not the reply he expected, but I ignore his confused look. “You were right earlier when you said that I haven’t been lucky when it comes down to past relationships. I always picked the wrong people to be with.”

Eero’s eyes widen. “You don’t need to tell me personal things like that.”

“But I want to,” I clarify. “I’m not perfect, in case you might think that. I made my share of mistakes. I made too many of them.” Even though Eero said that he doesn’t want to know, he looks at me in an alert and expectant way.

“I made my first mistake when I was sixteen. At school, there was a girl called Anna. All boys liked her. She was pretty with her long blond hair and bright blue eyes, but no one would approach her. She had a reputation for being arrogant and mean. One evening, she asked me out on a date… I couldn’t believe my luck and said yes. We would meet at the library, as I didn’t want to take her home where she would run into my drunken parents. On our date, she had brought some papers. It turned out that she wanted me to help her prepare for a math test. Which, I, idiot did. I thought it would make her like me even more. I helped her solve all the sums she wanted to know about. The next morning, when we got the test, I realized I had seen those questions before. Somehow she had stolen that test and had me solve the sums. Needless to say she got a great mark and she showed me the cold shoulder when we left the class room. She dumped me that same day.” Eero gives me a look that speaks of sympathy.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I was naive back then… I should have realized that something wasn’t right when we spend our time doing math instead of holding hands.” I sip from my milk and brush Eero’s hair away from his face.

“When I was twenty I had joined the hockey team and there were girls around the entire time. One of them was Kaari. She was quiet, very nice, and she had a good heart. We started to date and I got my own place around that time. I shared an apartment with two other guys, but I had my own room and Kaari and I spent a lot of time together at my home. I started to feel apprehensive when she wouldn’t let me come to her place.

One night she showed up with two black eyes. She broke down and told me that she was with me in order to get away from her abusive father. Yes, she liked me, but didn’t love me. I felt disappointed, of course, but I still helped her out. I offered her to stay until she had arranged to go to a shelter. I hooked her up with social services, and once they took over, she disappeared. I felt bad about losing her because I had really loved her.”

“But you did the right thing when you helped her!”

“I know that I did, Eero, but it still hurts when you find out that you have been used instead of loved.” Not even Jonne knows the details about my past lovers, but I feel comfortable telling Eero. He needs to know that I’m not perfect.

“What happened next?”

Ah, he’s curious after all! “Well, after that, I decided I’d had enough of women. As I like men as well, I noticed Timo’s interest in me. Back then, I was quicker on picking up certain signals. Timo worked at the same restaurant I did. I helped out there in order to make money to support Jonne and Ville. He was one of the waiters and handsome. Blond hair, but he had amazingly brown eyes – I love that combination. We started to date… Two weeks later, we had sex… I didn’t like it that much and told Timo. Timo said that it no longer mattered to him – that he’d had me and was no longer interested in me. Needless to say I quitted my job the next day and moved on.”

“You truly were unlucky in love! But you didn’t give up after that, did you?”

Eero looks rather hopeful and I hate to disappoint him. “Back then, I decided that steady relationships weren’t my thing and I had a number of one-night-stands. Negative was on tour and there were several girls who wanted to have sex with me simply because I was Jonne’s brother. I’m not proud of taking advantage of them, but I felt so damn lonely.” Eero frowns, but then accepts everything I told him.

“And now you’ve met Juha. Are you going to give him a fair chance? He seems different to me – authentic and honest.”

“I want to give him a chance, Eero, but it’s hard for me to do so. I expect things to go wrong and it’s easier not to wait for that to happen. It’s best not to try.” I hope he understands where I’m coming from and why I act the way I do. “That’s why I’m glad that you found Arttu and that the two of you are happy together.”

Eero nods and recalls his milk. He picks it up from the floor and drinks from the glass. “Thanks for telling me those things. You didn’t have to… I didn’t expect you to confide in me like that.”

“You’re my brother, Eero. You’re family. I trust my brothers and I confide in them.” Eero uncovers his hand, takes mine into his, and squeezes. “I’m blessed to have a brother like you.” Eero’s blush returns and he gives me an awkward look. “I mean it.”

“Hey, what’s going on out here?” Jonne steps onto the veranda, looking sleepy. He wrapped a morning robe around his body and presses the material close to his body.

“Are you cold?” I ask and lift the comforter. It might get tight, but I’m sure Jonne can squeeze himself into Eero’s chair as well.

“A bit… It was warm in bed.” Jonne catches on and squeezes himself into Eero’s chair. The two of them giggle and I cover them with the comforter. “What’s happening here?” Jonne asks. “Another family council?”

I look toward Eero to answer that question. I don’t feel the need to share everything I told him with Jonne, but if Eero wants me to do so, I will.

“We talked about Juha – Tommi’s chances to be exact,” Eero says after a moment’s thought. “He wants to dress in his hippie outfit tonight.”

Jonne protests at once – of course. “But Tommi!”

I raise my hand and shake my head. “I want Juha to like *me*, and if clothes matter that much, then he isn’t my type after all.”

Jonne doesn’t seem pleased about it, but remains quiet. “It’s your call eventually,” he admits. “I don’t know about you two, but I’m hungry. That’s why I got up in the first place. Ville was nice for a chance and didn’t wake me when he left. I’ll get breakfast started and I’ll call you once the coffee is ready, okay?”

Jonne’s sensitive and probably realized that Eero and I had been talking about something private, and wants to give us our privacy back. “That’s fine… We’ll join you in five.”

Jonne wrestles himself free of the chair – and Eero’s arms – and makes his way into the kitchen. Eero and I are alone again and I smile at him. “Jonne quickly feels left out. He probably heard us talk and wanted to join.”

“He noticed that we wanted to be alone, don’t you think?”

“Yes, he did, but he won’t feel hurt. Jonne knows that there are times when you want to talk to one brother instead of all three of them.” My nostrils tremble at picking up on the first aroma drifting over here from the kitchen – coffee!. That’s my cue to get the day started. “Don’t forget to take your phone with you… Remember, Arttu will call at noon.”

“I’ll be ready for him.” Eero pushes away the comforter and rises from his chair. “Let’s help out Jonne in the kitchen.”

I take hold of his hand and follow him into the kitchen. Jonne’s busy making toast, and as I prefer bacon and eggs for breakfast, I set out to make those. Eero pours himself some orange juice, sits down at the kitchen table, and watches us. The radio plays softly in the back and I like the relaxed atmosphere surrounding me. Life is good.

~~~

Life *was* good. Now that I face calling Juha I don’t feel comfortable anymore. I went into the bedroom to make sure that none of my brothers is eavesdropping. That would feed my nervousness. I need privacy. I call the agency that rents out the beach house first and have no problems booking the place until the end of the week. All is set now. Just to be on the safe side, I text Arttu in order to let him know that their holiday has been taken care of.

Then I reach for Juha’s card and stare at it in the hope that I will come up with something to say when I’ll call him. My mind is completely blank though. Sighing, I press the numbers that make up Juha’s phone number and wait for it to ring. I can only hope that the words will come to me when he answers the call.

“Juha Kylmänen!”

I swallow hard. He sounds cheerful and that should reassure me, but it doesn’t. “Tommi here.”

“Ah great! I was just thinking of you!”

I blink. Juha was thinking of me? Do I want to know why?

“Hey, are you still on the phone or did you fall asleep on me?”

I cuss mentally. For some reason I forgot to answer him! “I’m still here… Just a bit distracted as my brothers just played a prank on each other.” It’s a lie, but hopefully it’ll explain my silence. I force myself to get my act together and take the lead. “We had agreed I would call you to set up dinner… So, I’m calling.”

Juha chuckles. “How about we meet at seven? Park your car at the Nuclear Nightclub and I’ll be there to meet you. It’s only a ten minute walk over to the restaurant and afterwards, I will escort you back to your car so you get there safely.”

The last bit of his comment makes me grin. “I can take care of myself.”

“Sure you can, but tonight, you’re my guest and I want to take good care of you.”

I swallow nervously as that comment could be considered ambiguous. “I’ll meet you at seven then. Should anything come up in the meantime I will call you.” I’m about to end the call, when Juha addresses me again.

“What are your plans for this afternoon? It’ll be the last sunny and hot day, so you should make good use of it.”

I’m not sure if he’s curious, merely making conversation, or stalling, but I enjoy the fact that he wants to continue to talk to me. “We’re back to the beach… Ville wants to play beach soccer so we will do that… Maybe swim in the sea and knowing my brothers the way I do, I will end up with sand in all the wrong places.” Oops, that didn’t sound good – what made me say that? “And what about you? How are you going to spend the day?” Maybe if I don’t give him a chance to dwell on what I said he won’t comment on it.

“I put up on a hammock some days ago. I have a nice-sized roof garden where I spend a lot of time when the weather is as great as it is today. I’ll bring some books with me, listen to music, and excel at being lazy.”

“Sounds like a perfect Sunday afternoon.” I can imagine myself doing that too.

“Oh, sounds like my coffee machine is done making coffee… It’s rather old and produces odd sounds when the water’s gone. I had better make sure it doesn’t short circuit. I’ll see you at seven then! I’m already looking forward to it!”

That sounds promising, doesn’t it? Juha seems genuinely interested in me. “I’ll be there… Enjoy the coffee and your lazy afternoon!”

“Thanks, Tommi! See you later! Bye!”

I terminate the connection and slip the phone into a pocket. That went better than I had expected and I wasn’t even *that* nervous!

“What did Juha say?”

I should have known Jonne would keep an eye on me. “It went fine. I’m meeting him at seven.”

“Sounds good all right.” Jonne steps into the bedroom and sits down next to me on the bed. “Ville and Eero packed food and drinks. We’re ready to go.”

“Just give me a moment to change into those hideous swim shorts!’ I grab them, go into the bathroom to change, and emerge a minute later. Jonne moved over to the doorway and looks at me impatiently. “Did you already put on sun tan?”

“I did – and lots of it! I should be all right.”

Jonne and I descend the stairs and join our brothers. Their curious expression can only be about one thing, so I had better do this now. “I’m meeting Juha at seven, so I’m all yours until then.”

“Cool, you called him!” Ville smiles pleased. “I wasn’t sure you would, but I’m glad you did.”

I guess that sums it up – I wasn’t sure about calling Juha either, but in the end, I’m glad I did!

~~~

I check my appearance in the mirror and thinks it’s okay. I put on a white shirt, brown trousers, and wrapped my favorite brown sweater around my shoulders as it might grow chilly later. I slip into my sneakers and hope Juha will be okay with the way I look.

“You look nervous…”

Eero strolls into the bedroom and comes to a halt behind me.

“That might be because I *am* nervous!” I chuckle in order to allow my anxiety a way out. “Do you think this is okay? I don’t want Juha to run away the moment he sees me.”

“You don’t need to be insecure.” Eero wraps an arm around my waist and rests his head against my chest. “Juha’s smart enough to understand that he shouldn’t let you get away – no matter what clothes you wear. I believe he’s interested in you for your character – not your dress style.”

I really hope so! I ruffle Eero’s hair and he quickly moves out of the danger zone.

“Hey, don’t!” Eero straightens out his hair again and remains at a distance. “Talking about hair… Yours is a mess.”

“That happens when I wear it open – I get knots.” It’s a small price to pay though when the look helps Eero to relax around me.

“Sit down and let me have a look at it.”

I arch an eyebrow in surprise, but sit down nonetheless. “What are you doing?” Eero picks up a brush, a hair band, and a clip before he takes up position behind me.

“Let me surprise you,” he says and chuckles.

Eero brushes my hair and I enjoy being at the center of his attention. We have come a long way since Eero ran away that evening.

“What are you thinking of?”

Eero’s question surprises me and I wonder if telling the truth is the right thing to do. But as I don’t want to lie to him, I say, “About that one evening when you ran away in that thunderstorm. You had overheard the conversation I had with Jonne in the kitchen and you fled.”

“I remember that evening… That was the evening my life changed… You came to get me. I didn’t think you would – well, I kind of expected Jonne to search for me, but not you. I was scared, but at the same time, I dared to hope that things would work out between us.”

“I worried about you – mostly because you were out there in that thunderstorm. But I was also concerned that you might do something stupid.”

“It crossed my mind,” Eero admits. “To give up, but I lacked the energy to actually do something about it. I was too tired.”

I turn around, wrap my fingers around Eero’s wrist, and wait for him to look at me. I’m relieved to find Eero’s eyes free of fear upon the contact. “Don’t think of doing something stupid ever again. If you feel troubled come to me, or Jonne, or Ville. Just pick one of us, but don’t think about giving up.”

Eero smiles and nods. “Understood…”

I release his wrist and Eero resumes brushing my hair. He gathers some strands and works the hair band and clip into my hair. Hopefully I won’t look like a scarecrow when he’s done!

“Done, check it out.”

I rise from the bed and walk over to the mirror. “I like it…” It’s okay… I wear it like this a lot. He pinned the hair at the back of my head and allows for the rest of the hair to move freely. I turn around and put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t wait up for me. I don’t know when I will be back. And should you feel lonely, cuddle up to Jonne. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“He’ll like having me close, I know that…”

Eero unexpected wraps his arms around me and I return the hug. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he seems to need me close. “Is something wrong?” Eero shakes his head, but doesn’t make eye-contact.

“I miss Arttu… That’s all… We talked earlier today. He called, just like you had said and I feel homesick. Not because I miss Tampere, but because I miss him.”

“Ah, that’s it…” I let go of my worries and rub Eero’s back. “You’ll see him again shortly. You’ll have him back at your side on Monday. You can do this.”

“I know I can…” Eero sighs. “But I still miss him… Bah, look at me: I’m ruining the mood! Get going and have a great time with Juha! Don’t forget, he likes you in turn, so don’t be shy…”

“I’ll do my best, Eero. I’ll tell you how everything went when I get back.” He lets go of me and then does something that completely surprises me. He pushes himself onto the tips of his toes and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“That’s for good luck,” Eero says and grows flustered again. “Now get going. You don’t want to keep Juha waiting.”

“Thanks, I’m sure everything will go fine! See you later!” I walk toward the doorway, turn around to wave at Eero, and then go downstairs. Eero impressed me by reaching out like that and I will cherish that good luck kiss forever.

TBC

Part 9

I arrive at the club ten minutes early, but I’m not the first there. Juha already stands in front of the club and waves at seeing me approach. I grin, park the car, and get out. I didn’t think he would be early: I had expected having to wait for him. “You’re early.”

“You’re early too!” Juha counters as he walks towards me. “I hope you’re hungry! I booked us a table, just to be on the safe side!”

Juha looks great: he wears black jeans and a black shirt. He even put on eyeliner and eye shadow. When he’s close enough, I realize that he smells good as well. “As you can see, I left my brothers at home. We’ll have a quiet and rather peaceful dinner.” Juha smiles at me and hooks his arm with mine. The gesture surprises me, but I manage to hide it.

“That’s good. Although I like them, I want to get to know *you* better and not them.” Juha directs me to the right and we walk down the street. “You’ll love this restaurant. They have great food and the place has a relaxed atmosphere.”

All right, I want to say something nice – I want to compliment him. Come on, think of something to say, Tommi! “With such amazing company, the food doesn’t matter that much.” I hope it was the right thing to say. I peek at Juha and his smile broadens at hearing it.

“How was your day? Did you play beach soccer as you had said?”

I quickly divert my gaze as I don’t want him to catch me staring. “We did. Eero and I beat Jonne and Ville. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon and it’s a pity that the weather’s about to change.”

“They’re predicting heavy rainfall and thunderstorms for the evening and night,” Juha says slowly. “Maybe we get lucky and the bad weather won’t hit Oulu. Look, that’s the restaurant over there!”

I follow Juha inside and a waiter directs to a table in the back. He lights the candle on our table and hands us the menu.

“Do you already want to order your drinks?” the waiter asks.

“Water, please…” I continue to study the menu and wonder what to get. Maybe I should have whatever Juha’s having.

“Milk for me…”

At hearing that, I look at Juha, only to find him smiling. “Milk?”

“The food can be spicy and the milk does a good job quenching my thirst.” Juha puts the menu away: apparently he has already decided on a dish. “You don’t drink alcohol, do you?” he asks observantly.

It’s a serious topic to discuss, at least for me, and I nod. “My parents were alcoholics. Ville also has issues with alcohol and I promised myself not to touch it ever again. I drink non-alcoholic beer because I like the taste, but that’s about it.”

“That’s good to know… I’ll leave the wine in the fridge then, should you ever visit me!” Juha however chuckles when saying that and his relaxed mood helps me calm down again. “I must admit to drinking some from time to time,” Juha says. ”I also get drunk at times… Not too often though… I always embarrass myself when I do.”

“In what way?” I know that I can’t expect everyone to be abstinent and having this talk now might actually be a good thing.

“When I’m drunk, I giggle all the time. I start to flirt and it doesn’t matter what you say, I’ll find it funny. Mikko says that I turn into a lap cat when I’m drunk. I want to cuddle and…To cut a long story short, it’s embarrassing.”

At least he doesn’t turn aggressive, that’s one plus where I’m concerned. “Who’s Mikko? You mentioned him before, didn’t you?”

“He’s a good friend of mine. We’ve known each other for years and he keeps me out of trouble – most of the times that is. He owns the club where we met yesterday.”

Ah yes, I remember now. “And you’re good friends?” Or are they more? If so, I need to stop myself from getting up my hopes.

“We’re good friends, that’s about it. I don’t have a boyfriend at the present.”

Juha cocks his head and licks his lips. That little motion is enough to make me stare at him. I can think of a number of things, which Juha could do to me with that tongue. No, I need to control myself. Juha will notice me drooling if I keep this up! “Neither do I…” I’m not sure Juha expects me to reply, but it’s best to put the cards on the table. “Haven’t had one in years.”

“Years? That’s a long time!” Juha sips from his milk and licks his lips clean.

I bet he knows what that little motion does to his audience, why else do it again? I avert my gaze and stare at the menu, only to find out I’m clawing at it. Embarrassed, I put the menu down and the waiter appears again. We order our food, and once he’s gone, Juha moves his chair closer to mine. I wonder what that’s about.

“They don’t need to hear everything we say,” Juha explains. “I told you that for a reason – that I’m single, I mean. I want you to know that I’m available.”

My nervousness returns and I peek at his eyes to find out about his mood. Juha’s relaxed though and all smiles. Maybe I should stop being suspicious and let this happen. “I’m not used to my… date… being so direct.”

“You’re not? You had better get used to it then!” Juha moves his head closer to mine and tries to make eye-contact again. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

“I’m out of practice… It’s been years since I dated and… I like you… That complicates matters.”

Juha laughs softly. “Complicates it? Liking me should make everything easier!”

“I don’t know how to act around you,” I admit, opting for the truth now that Juha seems to prefer the direct approach. “I get the impression that you like me and that you’re interested in me, but it’s unexpected.”

“Life’s like that, don’t you think? It throws surprises at you and then it’s up to you to decide what to do. You can run away or face them and make the best out of the situation you’re in. I’m someone who loves a challenge…”

“And I’m that challenge?”

“In a way,” Juha confirms. “I know things about you, of course. Negative is rather well-known in Finland, and you, being their manager, aren’t an unknown face either. I must admit I’m pleasantly surprised though. I didn’t think you’d be my type, but I feel attracted to you.”

I’m not sure I like the fact that he knows who I am. I should have realized that he would recognize Jonne and combine the facts.

“Hey, don’t worry! I’m not interested in you because of your last name! “The food arrives and Juha picks up his knife and fork. “I’m no groupie who wants to sleep with you in order to get to Jonne!”

I can’t help it, I burst out into laughter. The way he said that, the choice of words, and his tone, made it sound funny. “Are you sure about that?” I pick up my fork and wave it at him. “Because Jonne is rather picky when it comes down to his bed partners!”

“Relax! Jonne isn’t my type!” Juha hunts down an elusive olive that tries to escape from his plate and pins it to his fork. “I like meat on my man.”

He timed that comment. I’m sure of it, because he says it the moment when I try to swallow a potato wedge. I cough and Juha and hands me the water. I cough some more and down everything with the water. “Don’t do that again.”

“I won’t make promises, which I can’t keep,” Juha says smugly. “Tommi, relax. You don’t need to be on your guard! We’re having dinner and we’re getting to know each other. That’s it.”

“You’re right, of course, but that doesn’t help… I had some bad luck in the past… I always ended up with the wrong people.”

“Thanks for being honest and sharing that with me.” Juha turns serious and adds, “Let me assure you that my intentions are honest. I don’t know where we will end up, together or apart, but let’s enjoy the journey while we find out.”

That sounds sensible. “I will do my best.”

“That’s fine with me and you should eat dinner before it grows cold!”

No one ever needed to tell me that twice and I dig into my food. “It’s good.”

“I said so, didn’t I?”

Juha looks at me and I feel weak in the knees. It’s a good thing I’m sitting down. Hopefully the feeling will have weakened by the time when I have to get up: I would hate toppling over and having to explain why.

~~~

“No, you’re my guest and that means that I’m paying!”

Juha manages to get a hold of the bill first and slips the waiter his credit card. He seems rather smug about it and I decide to let him get away with it. “Thanks… The food was good and the company even better.” Juha’s expression changes and becomes dreamy. If I can make Juha feel good by feeding him compliments I should keep that in mind. The waiter hands Juha his credit card and he rises from his chair. I check the time and find it’s only nine, but the last two hours were definitely interesting.

“It’s still early,” Juha says as we step onto the pavement. He loops his arm with mine and pulls me to his left, away from my car. I’m about to ask him why we’re heading in the wrong direction, when he adds, “Want to join me for a drink, Tommi? And don’t worry; I’m not serving you alcohol!”

Going for a drink with Juha sounds good so I accept. “Sure, where do you want to go? Back to that club?”

“And have Mikko pester us all evening? I don’t think so. I live nearby… I was thinking about taking you home.”

I come to a sudden stop, and as Juha’s holding on to me, he’s forced to do the same. “Don’t you think it’s a bit early to invite me into your home? You hardly know me!” Juha’s moving too fast, especially if he’s taking me home for more than a drink. I had one-nightstands, but that doesn’t mean I sleep around on the first date!

“Relax...” Juha moves closer and rests his hands against my chest. “I’m not going to tie you to my bed.”

The way he says it – extremely seriously – makes me relax again. “You couldn’t tie me down even if you tried.”

“You think so?”

Juha looks me up and down and it causes me to grow aroused. I force myself to calm down again. I don’t know what it is about Juha that gets me excited, but he definitely has an effect on me. Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, or licks his lips… Or maybe it’s the way his fingertips move across my chest. Even though I’m wearing a shirt and sweater it feels like they burn my skin through the fabric. Going home with Juha is definitely a bad idea. “I shouldn’t.”

“That may be,” Juha says as he takes possession of my arm again. “But perhaps you should do things differently this time around.”

I frown at hearing that cryptic remark. “What do you mean by that?” Without me realizing it, Juha is dragging me off again, further away from my car.

“I might be wrong, but I think you’re someone who doesn’t like to take chances. You like to play it safe – and the safest thing to do right now is to drive back home and spend the rest of the evening with your brothers.” Juha cocks his head and looks me. “You really don’t know what to do regarding me, do you? You’re confused.”

I still haven’t gotten used to Juha’s direct manner and I doubt I will anytime soon. “You’re right about that.”

“Tommi, I like you. I want to get to know you and I’m not going to take advantage of you, though I think you would let me get away with seducing you.”

I draw in a deep breath. “Why are we having this awkward conversation?”

“Because I prefer being honest. Tommi, I’m taking you to my apartment because I want to have a drink… You can have coffee, I might have a beer, or not. Actually, I’m in the mood for ice tea…”

“You confuse me all right,” I admit.

“Don’t worry about it. I confuse myself most of the time.”

~~~

Juha comes to a halt in front of an apartment building and uncovers his key. “This is where I live – nothing fancy, but I like it here.”

I’m still not sure why I’m letting him drag me along. Maybe it’s because Juha confuses me, or maybe it’s because I trust him on some subconscious level. Whatever it is, I want to spend more time with him. We ride the elevator to the top floor and exit it.

“Don’t expect luxury,” Juha warns me, as he unlocks the door. He opens it, steps inside, and spreads his arms. “Welcome to my humble home.”

Juha makes me smile again and I step inside. The walls are a creamy yellow and he seems to be particularly fond of red accessories. I follow him into the kitchen, which is rather small, but cozy. The walls are white, the kitchen table and chairs are made from wood and there’s a big painting opposite the stove. Someone painted a jungle on that wall, complete with snakes, flowers, and a small waterfall. “That’s amazing!”

“I wish I could take the credit for it,” Juha says as he heads for the fridge. “But a friend of mine made it…” He opens the fridge and looks inside. “What do you want? Water? Milk? Chocolate milk? Soda? Ice tea? Or I can make coffee, if you like that best.”

As it’s still rather warm, I opt for the ice tea. Juha pours two glasses and then turns his head to the right. “Let’s go outside. It’s too hot in here.”

I follow Juha and step into the living room. It’s an okay size and the walls are a soft grey. I notice a big, comfortable brown couch in the corner and five guitars standing next to it. “You play the guitar?”

“Of course I do. How else can I compose music?” Juha rolls his eyes and watches me move toward the instruments. “I have a few more in the bedroom, but I use these most of the time.”

As I make my way over to the guitars, I notice the framed pictures on the wall. Juha framed a couple CD’s as well and I blink at seeing which ones he put up there. I slap my forehead and groan. Why didn’t I realize who he is before? “You’re *that* Juha Kylmänen!” Reflexion might not be that well known, but For My Pain is and Juha’s last name should have alerted me. “Why didn’t I think of it?” I turn away from the framed CD’s and look at Juha who gives me an amused look.

“I didn’t expect you to know about me,” Juha says calmly. “It shouldn’t make any difference, you know.”

But it does – I don’t feel awkward anymore. When Juha mentioned me being Negative’s manager, I felt on guard. Now, I realize that Juha is famous in his own way and that puts us on equal grounds, at least, that’s how it feels to me. “Let me get that…” I move quickly upon seeing Juha trying to open the door that leads to his roof garden. Looking outside, I’m stunned again. Juha might have a painting of a jungle in his kitchen, but out there is the real thing.

Juha must have caught my surprise and explains, “My parents own a garden centre, and when I moved here, they made my roof garden their little project. It got so bad that I had to get the key to my apartment back because they continued to move more plants here!”

I step outside and follow Juha over to a bench in the corner. I’m glad he decided against opting for the hammock. I doubt it would have carried my weight as well. The bench has thick cushions and I make myself comfortable after taking hold of my ice tea. “I envy you… It’s a great way to spend your time.”

Juha sips from his ice tea and looks at me – longer than necessary. “Maybe you will spend lots of time here in the future.”

I know that he’s not coming on to me, but I still look away. “Maybe…”

“Are you always this shy?”

“In this sort of setting? Yes? With people I hardly know but like? Yes…” I look at the sky above me, as I don’t dare to look at to Juha at this point. I feel too vulnerable.

“Lots of clouds forming up there,” Juha remarks. “It looks like we might get a thunderstorm after all.”

I’m thankful that he’s changing the subject. “Those clouds look ominous.” Juha’s right about that. “Maybe I should get back to my car and drive home while it’s still calm.” It’s the perfect excuse to leave and flee the situation. I’m about to put my drink onto the floor when Juha stops me. He places a hand against my chest and shakes his head.

“You don’t want to get caught up in the middle. If the forecast is right, we’ll have a monster storm on our hands. I can’t let you leave right now. I would be a bad host – and friend – if I did.”

It’s obvious that Juha doesn’t want me to leave yet, but I wonder why – is it because he’s concerned or because he wants me to stay period. I’m still making up my mind when the first raindrops hit me in the face. The weather is changing fast and I realize that Juha’s right. I shouldn’t drive home in an upcoming storm.

“Let’s go inside… It won’t take long before the heavens come down…”

The moment Juha finishes his sentence the first roar of thunder rolls through the air. I rise from the bench, Juha collects the cushions, and I rescue our drinks. Ten seconds later the rain comes pouring down and we make a run for the living room. “Fuck!” Lightning zigzags towards the earth and I feel better once Juha closes the door behind us. “That went quickly!”

“It’s going to be a bad storm,” Juha comments as he drops the cushions onto the floor. “And it won’t go away quickly.”

The storm seems eager to prove Juha right as it hits the earth with another series of lightning bolts. The rain grows stronger, and a moment later, we’re also getting a load of hail. “I’m sure as hell glad that I’m not in my car right now.” Although it would keep me safe from the lightning, driving in that hailstorm would be impossible.

“Maybe you should call your brothers to let them know you’re fine. They might worry about you being caught in that storm,” Juha suggests. “And Tommi, you’re free to stay the night.” I’m about to dismiss his offer, when Juha raises a hand and presses a finger against my lips. “Don’t worry – I have a guest room. I’m not dragging you into my bed – yet.”

Another angry growl of thunder fills the air above us and a series of lightning bolts follows up. “You might be right…” But I would rather not spend the night at Juha’s place as I’m afraid of the trouble Juha can get me into. However, I don’t seem to have a choice. I uncover my mobile phone and access Jonne’s number. I doubt Jonne’s phone rang more than once, because he instantly replies.

“Tommi, are you okay?”

Jonne sounds worried and I need to calm him down. “I’m fine… I’m at Juha’s place, but it seems like I might be stuck here for the night. I can’t drive back in a storm like this.”

“That’s okay… You can stay there… As long as you’re safe it doesn’t matter where you are. Stay put und don’t get into the car until it’s safe to drive… Tommi, I have to go now… I’m not sure if Ville is telling the truth, but he says that being on the phone may attract lightning… I’m not taking any chances.”

“Get off the phone then… I’ll stay at Juha’s and will drive back home when I can! Bye, and make sure Ville and Eero are fine. You’re in charge now!”

“I’ll do my best… Bye, Tommi and don’t worry!”

Just to be on the safe side, as I recall reading something about cell phone related deaths during a storm – I switch off the device. No reason to challenge the universe in teaching me a lesson. “That’s it. Looks like I’m stuck here for the night.”

“Don’t make it sound like something bad…”

I knew Juha would say something like that. I decide to be open and direct as well, as Juha seems to prefer that. “You’re right – I don’t know what to do with you. You confuse the hell out of me. Are you sure you aren’t related to Antti Aatamila?”

Juha laughs. “Negative’s bass player? Not that to my knowledge, but if you want to make sure, you should ask my mother.”

“You’re different from the people I dated in the past. You’re…unpredictable in a way.”

“I hope that’s a good thing!” Juha moves over to the window and looks outside. “Look at that, Tommi. Such power…A true force of nature – it’s beautiful and terrifying at the same time.”

I don’t know why, but I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist from behind. It feels like rational thought has deserted me – all I can think of is being close to Juha. To my surprise – and joy – Juha leans back against me and sighs contently.

“I prefer it being dark when a thunderstorm hits... It loses part of its beauty when it’s still light,” he continues. “Oh, those poor plants!” A curtain of big lumps of hail descends onto his plants and cuts them down in size. “My parents won’t like that.”

I let him talk and inhale his scent instead. It’s a strange mix of sweet and spicy fragrances. I can’t remember falling for someone so quickly in the past. The other day, Eero had said that it had only taken him one second to fall in love with Arttu. I might need more than a second, but I’m falling head over heels for Juha as well. I’m afraid it will end in heartache though. Juha is too good to be true, but isn’t that the same thing Eero said about Arttu? That he doesn’t understand why he deserves Arttu’s love? Can it be that I’m equally lucky and that Juha is the real thing? The soul mate I hoped to meet for so long?

“I like standing here, Tommi, but the couch is comfortable too,” Juha remarks teasingly as he looks at me from over his shoulder. “Don’t worry – you’re in good hands with me.”

I still waver though – certain old wounds never healed completely and I’m scared that in the end, I can add Juha to the names of Anna, Kaari and Timo. Juha turns in the embrace, takes hold of my hand, and leads me over to the couch, where he sits down. I sit down next to him and watch him closely.

“Relax…”

Juha pushes me against the comfort of the couch and then moves into my arms. His head rests against my shoulder and he continues to watch the thunderstorm. Although the situation I’m in feels incredibly intimate, I don’t feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because Juha’s attention is focused on the storm and not on me.

“I wouldn’t mind spending the night like this,” Juha says and rubs his cheek against my shoulder. “Feels nice.”

It does feel nice – he’s right about that. For some reason, Juha knows exactly what to do, or say, to help me relax. Now that I feel balanced again, it’s easier to look at the situation I’m in rationally. I’m at Juha’s place, we’re cuddling on the couch, and I feel happy holding him. He’s giving me the time I need in order to grow adjusted to the new situation and it’s working. I feel comfortable with the idea of giving this a shot. Yesterday, I refused to even consider dating Juha. Telling myself that we merely were having a drink and would never see each other again worked -- yesterday – but it would be a lie today. I want to see Juha again. Not just tomorrow, but in the future too.

“Tommi?”

“Yes?”

“I would like to give this a try… I want to see if we work out… The question however is, are you willing to try?”

“I was thinking about that just now,” I admit. “I changed my mind since yesterday… Last night, I didn’t think that I should give us a shot, but you changed my opinion. I’m not sure how you did that, but you did.”

“That’s good enough for me – for now.” Juha yawns and snuggles closer. “Just drop me off in my bed should I fall asleep on you. It’s that door over there… The guestroom is next to the kitchen – You’ll find the bathroom there too.”

“Juha, answer me this… Did you plan this? Bringing me back here?” I’m curious.

“Plan it? No… I wanted to see how dinner went and maybe have a drink later… I hadn’t planned on taking you here, but during dinner, we seemed to get along and I wasn’t in the mood to hit some club on a Saturday evening with all those drunks about. My apartment simply seemed the better choice.”

Juha yawns and moves about until he can make eye-contact. Urged on by some unknown force, I lift my hand and caress his face. He closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “Your friend Mikko is right – you can easily pass for a cat that makes itself comfortable on my lap… You’re not drunk though…”