Title: Destiny’s Star
Sequel to Lightnin’ Strikes Again
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings: Tommi L/Matthau, Chris/Juha, Antti/Mikko, Jack/Jonne, Ville/Lauri
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jack replaces Chris during the tour and is reunited with Jonne. At the same time, Chris and Juha face the biggest challenge their relationship will ever see.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!
Warning: Real Person Slash.
Betaed by DA. All remaining mistakes are mine.

Destiny’s Star

So alone, I'm going to sleep tonight, again
never want to wake up
You were so cruel to me, I thought I loved you
But I was in love with devil's breed
It's raping me, taking me, under the ice cold ground
I'm on my way to the stars, you can't stop me even
if you'd try

You can play your sick game with someone else
Who'll swallow your lies and stay
What's wrong with you?
You can take what you want but you better not take it from me
I'll laugh at you, spit on you, no matter what you say

I'm on my way to the stars, you can't stop me even
if you'd try (to take away)

my heart that's now longing for real love,
I will find someone who heals my broken heart

(whispering: I'm on my way to the stars)

Part 1

Destiny’s Star

Matti pushed the door ajar and wondered if it was okay to step inside. He’d given Chris half an hour to talk to Juha and hoped the two men had sorted out matters. Hopefully Chris had been able to convince Juha that no one was going to dump him. “Hey, can I come inside?” Matti asked at seeing Chris stretched on the bed and holding Juha. His brother’s back rested against the headboard and Chris had pulled Juha into his arms. Juha was locked in an embrace which hopefully made him feel safe – even in his sleep.

Chris nodded and gestured for Matti to approach. “He fell asleep some minutes ago.” Chris had a hard time fighting back his tears. He hadn’t thought Juha could possibly feel so insecure – so low – so…worthless. “How can he think I’d do that to him? I’d never desert him! He’s my everything!”

Matti approached the bed and slowly sat down on the edge, carefully moving about as he didn’t want to wake Juha. “You can’t blame him for being afraid that history will repeat itself. Haven’t we all felt like that at one stage of our life?”

Chris nodded: Matti had made a valid point. “But still. I love him and he needs me! The last thing I’d ever do is turn my back on him.” Chris pressed a kiss to Juha’s brow and noticed how clam and hot his lover felt. “It feels like he’s running a fever.”

“That might be,” Matti said. He had read the information that had come with the meds as well. “It’s a possible side-effect.”

Mikko appeared in the doorway and smiled at seeing Chris holding Juha so possessively. It was good to know that the guitarist cared so deeply for Juha. “He’ll be asleep most of the day, but this evening, we have to wake him so he can eat something and take his meds.”

Chris’ gaze drifted off to the package on the nightstand – Juha’s meds. He would make sure Juha took the pills and ate dinner. “I want to thank you for taking care of him – for acting that fast!”

“It was Mikko who caught the symptoms. Juha seemed in denial. I can imagine why he didn’t want to admit he was growing worse, but…” Matti shrugged once. “I’m glad we rushed him to hospital.”

Chris nodded. “Thank you for reacting that quickly.” He stroked Juha’s hair and gently rubbed his lover’s lower back. It felt good to have Juha in his arms again, even knowing the redhead was seriously ill. “What will happen now?” he asked Mikko.

“Today, we’ll make sure he rests and tomorrow we have to return to the hospital. He has an appointment at one o’clock. As far as I can tell they’ll do some tests and set him up for a biopsy later this week.  Once they know what they’re exactly dealing with, they’ll arrange for surgery and remove the tumor.” Mikko drew in a deep breath. “It’s a risky operation though. The brain is tricky area to operate on and back then, they warned Juha that he could lose his memory or control over his motor skills. Since he had nothing to lose, he accepted the risks and agreed to surgery. Living through that was hard on him since he mostly had to do it alone. His father and brother weren’t there to support him.”

“But he had you,” Chris said and gave Mikko a grateful look.

“I only met Juha a few weeks before everything went wrong. I was still living at home and… Well, Juha intrigued me. You know what’s he like – so full of life and energy. He’s charming and… I liked him. Then the tumor happened and I quickly realized that he had no one to fall back on, so I took him on.”

Chris gazed thoughtfully at Mikko. “His father and brother must be heartless to abandon him like that.”

“I honestly think that they simply didn’t know how to handle the situation. They also shut down when Juha’s mother died of cancer, two years before they discovered the tumor. I don’t think they meant ill, they just didn’t know how to be there for him.”

“That doesn’t make it right though!” Chris said vehemently. “Because of their inability to take care of him, he’s suffering now. He really thinks I’ll…” Chris couldn’t finish the sentence, couldn’t voice the unthinkable.

“It’ll take time,” Mikko said, consoling Chris. “You’ll have to prove yourself to him. Juha loves you, Chris. He loves you with his whole being, but… This brings back bad memories and he’s started to doubt your love for him. Oh, in the back of his mind he knows you love him – but he’s scared you won’t love him enough.”

Chris nodded again – understanding perfectly what Mikko was trying to tell him. “I’ll prove my love to him. I will!”

~~~

When Juha woke several hours later, the first thing he became aware of was Chris, who was stretched next to him, holding him close. He opened his eyes and took in Chris’ features, which seemed worried – even in sleep. He loved Chris so much that it hurt and the thought of losing him because of this illness made him hurt inside. Why had the tumor reappeared after ten years? Why now? When he finally had a chance at happiness?

Raising a – still trembling – hand, Juha caressed Chris’ face and drew in a deep breath, inhaling his lover’s scent at the same time. He told himself to savor this moment, uncertain how many more like this would follow. At one point, Chris was going to get fed up with looking after him – he knew that, after all, it had happened before.

Chris’ eyes opened unexpectedly and the guitarist’s gaze met his. Juha’s first reaction was to look away, but then he found he was unable to break eye contact. He loved Chris so much…

“Why are you looking so worried? I’m here now and I’ll take care of you.” Chris brushed some elusive red strands behind Juha’s ear and smiled encouragingly at him. An alarm clock stood on the nightstand and he glanced at it. Sucking in his breath, he realized he had slept through most of the day. It was close to seven and fragrances coming from downstairs told him that either Mikko or Matti had started dinner. “Are you hungry? Even just a little bit?”

“Depends on the food,” Juha replied, but if Mikko was making dinner, he might be able to eat something. His friend knew what his stomach could handle and what not. “I want to stay like this forever. Close to you and in your arms. Chris, I…” He stopped himself, not wanting to appear needy. Being needy was a bad thing – people got tired of him being needy.

Chris’ heart thumped painfully in his chest, realizing why Juha had stopped talking. “Hey, I love you.”

Juha swallowed hard. His mouth was dry and his throat felt like sandpaper. He could really do with a drink and there was water on the nightstand. He could get that himself – he didn’t need to ask Chris for help.

Chris’ eyes widened when Juha raised a shaky arm and reached for the water bottle on the nightstand. It was out of Juha’s range at any rate, and the redhead’s hand shook so badly that he wouldn’t have been able to take hold of it, even if he had been able to reach it. “Let me,” he offered. He stretched and took hold of it. “Can you sit up a bit? It might be easier for you to drink that way.”

“I can do so on my own. You don’t need to wait on me and…” Juha had to stop talking because Chris unexpectedly pressed a finger against his lips.

“I want to help. I love you, Juha. I want you to be comfortable and no, you’re definitely not a burden!” Chris spoke in a firm voice, wanting to get his point across. When Juha nodded, he removed his finger and uncapped the water bottle. “Here, drink some.” He placed the bottle against Juha’s lips and supported his lover’s hand when Juha wrapped his fingers around the bottle. The hand trembled badly and Juha gave him a scared look. “It’s okay, baby. Everything’s okay between the two of us.”

Juha desperately wanted to believe that, but was still scared. What if he put his trust in Chris and then the guitarist changed his mind like Jaana had done back then? He wouldn’t survive that.

“Ah, that’s perfect,” Mikko said upon entering the room. “Keep that bottle handy. It’s time for you to take your meds, Juha.” Mikko walked over to the nightstand, removed another two pills, and placed them on his friend’s tongue, having seen the tremors that shook Juha’s hand.

Juha downed the pills and then drank some more water. He was still thirsty, even after drinking half a liter.

“Do you feel up to joining us downstairs or would you rather eat dinner here?” Mikko inquired. It was a good thing he was off from work that night, that way he could teach Matti to cook the dishes he knew Juha’s stomach could handle.

“Can I go downstairs?” Juha asked in a tiny voice.

“Of course you can!” Chris responded. “Let’s do this!” Chris got to his feet, pulled Juha upright, and waited for the redhead to swing his feet onto the floor. He helped Juha rise from the bed and kept an arm wrapped around his lover’s waist at all time. At first, Juha tried to walk without leaning too heavily on him, but as they made their way down the stairs, Chris realized that Juha needed his support more and more. He was even tempted to simply lift the redhead and carry him the rest of the way, but his instincts told him Juha would protest such a move as it would make him feel even more helpless.

Chris took his time and slowed down, but five minutes later they arrived in the living room, where Matti had set the table for dinner. He’d even lit some candles and put on some relaxing music. Chris assisted Juha in sitting down and then took the seat next to his lover, holding Juha’s hand at all time. The look Juha gave him spoke of shame an embarrassment. It made him cringe.

“Hopefully tomato soup will be easy on your stomach,” Matti said as he placed the filled bowls in front of them. He also placed a basket filled with bread on the dining table.

Chris, who was totally focused on Juha, was surprised to see a huge grin illuminate the redhead’s face. Something was causing Juha mirth!

“Cool… You remembered.” Juha cast Mikko a grateful look.

“He remembered what?” Chris asked, hating that he didn’t know what was going on.

“Alphabet soup,” Mikko said, explaining matters to Chris. “Whenever he felt ill in the past, alphabet soup would cheer him up.”

Chris frowned. Alphabet soup? Looking at Juha, he caught the redhead moving the letters about until he had formed a name. Chris chuckled at seeing the ‘baby’ drifting on the surface of the soup. He felt grateful toward Mikko for making Juha smile – even just a little. “Hey, does this count too?” He had found a ‘bebi’ in his soup.

Juha chuckled. “Not really, but I’ll let it go because it’s you.” With trembling hands, he raised the bowl, opting to drink from it instead of being awkward and using a spoon.

“Do you want some bread?” Matti asked as he dipped a chunk into his soup. He blamed the dipping habit solely on Tommi. He had never do so before he’d met the older man!

“I’ll stick to the soup for now,” Juha replied. He managed to empty the bowl and then rested his back against the chair. Looking at the other three men seated around the dining table, he smiled. It was nice to have them about – for as long as it would last. He had to savor these moments and commit them to memory so he could draw strength from them when he… Juha swallowed hard. He didn’t want to think of his future. Suddenly Chris’ fingers curled around his and squeezed.

Chris had seen the distant look in Juha’s eyes and the smile fade, while Juha had grown increasingly thoughtful. “You’re not alone,” he said, speaking in a firm voice. “And you won’t be alone ever again. The past won’t repeat itself.”

Juha settled for a nod, not trusting his voice. It was obvious that Chris meant each word he had just said, but…there was always the possibility that he would change his mind and he had to keep that in the back of his head.

Chris sighed as he realized that he still hadn’t convinced Juha of his sincerity. Mikko was right: he had to prove himself to his lover and he was determined to do so.

~~~

After dinner, Chris and Juha cuddled up on the couch, while Matti and Mikko busied themselves in the kitchen. Chris wasn’t sure what they were doing that took up so much time, but he relished being alone with Juha. With Matti and Mikko running about, Chris had the feeling that he would have little privacy.

“What are you thinking about?” Juha asked in a whispering voice. He didn’t want to intrude on Chris’ thoughts, but the expression in those green eyes made him wonder. “You don’t have to tell me,” he added quickly.

Chris sighed. Seeing Juha so insecure took time getting used to. Where was that cocky redhead that had teased him into surrender? “I was thinking about our privacy and am wondering if we’ll still get a chance to make love without either Matti or Mikko bursting into the room to make sure you’re okay.” The way Juha’s eyes widened made him wonder what he had said wrong.

“You still want to make love with me, knowing…” Juha swallowed nervously. “I’m not sure we’ll be able to do that once…my…illness progresses.” He sucked in his breath, wondering how Chris would react to that prospect.

“I’m sure that we’ll find ways to express our love,” Chris replied and looked Juha in the eye. “As long as you want that, we’ll manage. If you get too…ill…to be with me in that way, we’ll deal with it then.”

Juha whispered, “I thought…it would stop… It will most certainly stop once I’m…really ill.”

“But you’ll never stop wanting to be with me in that way, will you? We can kiss. Hold hands…each other. I need to feel you, no matter in what way.” Chris pressed a loving kiss onto Juha’s lips, and much to his relief, the redhead responded at once by deepening the kiss. Their love was still there – still burning strong. As long as it stayed that way, they would manage.

“I’ll never stop wanting you,” Juha whispered in a heavy voice. “You’re… I love you…”

Much to Chris’ surprise a fierce blush settled on Juha’s face. Embarrassed, the redhead tried to avert his gaze, and not wanting Juha to feel awkward in any way, Chris tucked his lover’s head beneath his chin. “I love you too,” he said and kissed the crown of Juha’s head. /I love you so much it hurts,/ he added in thought and tightened his hold on Juha, praying to whatever god who was listening that fate wouldn’t take Juha away from him.

~~~

It was close to midnight when Chris decided that it was really time to move Juha upstairs and into a decent bed. Although cuddling on the couch was nice, his back was beginning to protest. “I’m going to put him to bed. What will the two of you do?”

Matti shrugged. “Maybe watch a bit more television and then I’ll get some sleep too.”

Mikko said, “Hey, don’t crash on the couch. The bed in the guest room is big enough for the both of us. Just stay on your side and don’t cuddle up to me!” He gave Matti a wink and the other man chuckled softly.

“Don’t worry. I only want to cuddle up to Tommi.” He’d call the older man before he went to bed. He really needed to hear Tommi’s voice.

“And you’re definitely not Antti,” Mikko said jokingly. A sudden wave of longing for his boyfriend overwhelmed him. He had talked to Antti only yesterday, but he needed Antti’s support, knowing dire times lay ahead of him.

Chris carefully disentangled himself from Juha and got to his feet. Deciding against waking Juha, he pushed his arms beneath the redhead’s knees and back and lifted him. Cradling Juha against his chest, he climbed the stairs to their bedroom. He placed Juha on the bed and then undressed. After a quick visit to the bathroom, he slipped between the covers and cradled Juha against him once more. Locking his arms tightly around his lover, he sighed and then pressed a loving kiss onto the red hair. “I’ll watch over you. Sleep tight, baby.”

Juha briefly stirred, but didn’t wake up. He moved closer to Chris in his sleep and wrapped his arms around the other man. With Juha tightly locked in his arms – and knowing him safe – Chris drifted off into a light sleep, always ready to react should Juha grow worse.

~~~

Jack arrived in the dead of night in Düsseldorf because his plane was delayed. Dragging his black, pirate emblem graced suitcase behind him, he searched the arrival hall, hoping Tommi hadn’t grown tired of waiting for him.

“Japa! We’re over here!” Jonne had spotted the black-haired guitarist first and now ran toward him.

Jack put down his suitcase and opened his arms to receive the blond in them. Pulling Jonne close, he released a deep breath and closed his eyes, savoring being reunited with his lover. “You smell great,” was the first thing he noticed and said.

Jonne giggled. “I’m glad you like it.” He didn’t mention that he had burrowed Tommi’s shower gel that morning. “You’re late!”

“The plane was delayed due to bad weather.” Jack picked up his suitcase again and greeted Tommi who had remained at some distance so they would have some privacy during their reunion. “I’m glad to have you back,” he said, addressing Jonne. “But I wish the circumstances weren’t so grave.”

Tommi nodded. “Yes, the news was a shock to all of us. I never thought that something like that could happen. Juha’s still so young and…”

“But he had a tumor once before,” Jack said as he followed Jonne and Tommi to the rented car. “And apparently there is always a chance that it’ll grow back.” He placed his suitcase in the trunk and then sat down next to Jonne in the backseat, instantly folding an arm around his boyfriend. “Fortunately they caught it in time and hopefully they can completely remove it. That will cut down the chances of it growing back. The next few weeks will be hard on him – and Chris.”

Tommi started the engine and headed for the highway. Their hotel was only a fifteen minute drive away. “I wanted to thank you for your offer to replace Chris. I doubt we would have been able to convince him to stay and play the remaining gigs. Don’t misunderstand me, I understand why he wants to be with Juha. I’d feel the same way if it were Ville, Jonne or Matti facing that condition!”

“Chris and I jam all the time and when we fool around we usually improvise with old Negative songs. You might have to change the set list a bit and Lauri will have to take me through some soli and rhythm parts, but I should be able to give a good show tomorrow. I’ll even show off for the girls,” he said and grinned.

Jonne pretended being offended though. “I thought you’d want to show off for me!”

Jack chuckled and pulled the blond even closer. After pressing a kiss onto Jonne’s lips he said, “Do I need to show off for you? I thought, we didn’t need any show. We know what’s really going on between us. I love you.”

Jonne melted on the inside. “I love you too and I’m so happy you’re here with me!” Snuggling up to the older man, he smiled silly and relished Jack’s closeness.

~~~

That evening, a new room division was made. Jonne would be sharing with Jack of course, and as Lauri had given the manager pleading glances, Tommi had volunteered to share with Antti. The bass player hadn’t seem very enthusiastic though and had been quiet for a change. Tommi opted for pairing Lauri with Nakki and Jay, hoping the keyboarder and drummer would have a calming influence on the lonely guitarist. Lauri gave Tommi a grateful look, which made the manager nod in turn. It was okay this way.

~~~

Antti really disliked the fact that he had to share with Tommi. Why couldn’t their manager have paired him with Lauri instead? Or maybe even Nakki! But Tommi? Whoa, way too boring and way too much control! “Tommi, why? Why are you making me suffer like this?”

Tommi grinned. “Jonne survived sharing with me. You’ll survive too.” Seeing Antti pout like that amused him to no end. “Are you missing Mikko by any chance? Feeling lovesick?”

Antti was tempted to throw his – rather dirty and smelly – sock at Tommi for making that comment, but then reconsidered. Alienating Tommi wouldn’t be smart. So after removing his other sock as well, he stepped out of his jeans, threw them onto the floor and got into bed. Tommi had told them there would be no partying that night, since the next day they would be on the road for hours, traveling to Leipzig and he wanted them sharp. Drunk would be way more fun though, in Antti’s book.

Suddenly Antti’s phone rang, and the redhead jumped from the bed again and headed for the bathroom after having seen Mikko’s name on the display. “It’s a private call!” Antti called out before locking the bathroom door behind him. In the distance, he heard Tommi laugh. “Hei,” Antti said, longing to hear Mikko’s voice again, even though they had spoken only yesterday.

“Moi!”

“How are you? How are things with Juha?” Antti couldn’t wait to hear some news.

“I’m okay,” Mikko replied calmly. “I’m off from work today, but tomorrow I have to go in again. At the pub, everything’s okay and Jussi is really being nice about letting me start late or leave early after he heard about Juha’s condition. Chris finally got here and he’s upstairs with Juha. They’re asleep.”

Antti closed the lid of the toilet and sat down. “You’re still staying at Chris’ place?”

“For as much as I can, but don’t worry. I’m still taking care of your turtle. Smirnoff is fine.”

“Kiitos!” Antti nibbled on his bottom lip and his expression darkened as he said, “I guess this means your visit is off?” They had made plans for Mikko to fly in the next weekend.

“No, it’s not! Juha won’t have surgery for another week and Matti and Chris can look after him. I’ll fly in and stay the weekend, just as we had planned!”

Antti smiled. “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. Seeing Jonne and Jack kiss and cuddle all the time makes me want to kiss you again. Seeing them… I want that too.”

“Just five more days, Antti, and then I’ll be with you.” At least for one weekend – from Friday evening until Sunday. Then he’d fly back again. “And how are things with you and the rest of the guys?”

“I hate this fucking arrangement! Because Japa’s here, Jonne threw out Tommi and now I have to share a room with him! Do you have any idea how…weird that is? It’s like a parent is constantly watching you to make sure you don’t misbehave!”

“I’m sure you’ll survive,” Mikko’s voice carried a chuckle. “Call me tomorrow after midnight? I get off from work at eleven.”

“I’ll do that. I love you, Mikko and I wish you were already here.”

“I love you too and now try to get some sleep, and Antti, don’t forget to eat! You know how quickly you tend you lose weight. Eat!”

Antti grinned. “I’ll eat a huge breakfast tomorrow, okay?” Mikko was right though. His jeans were much loser than before they had started the tour. He really had to remember to eat. “Take care too.”

“I will. Night Antti…love you…”

“Love you too,” Antti said, unwilling to end the call just yet, but then Mikko terminated the call and Antti switched his phone off too. He unlocked the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom again, where he found Matti on the phone too  -- with Tommi.

~~~

Tommi sounded worried when he asked, “Hey, are you coping with everything happening back home? Jack told us about Juha and, although I’m worried about him, I worry more about you.”

Tommi’s words, the sound of his voice and the older man’s tone made Matti smile and feel cherished. For a very long time he had searched for someone like Tommi who’d put him on the first place. Everything – everyone --  else came second. It was a novel, but very welcome experience. “Actually, I’m coping very well – it surprises me myself. Maybe it’s because I’m so focused on Juha at the moment, but I’m not tempted at all to drink.”

Tommi sighed at the other end. “That’s good to hear. You know, sometimes it takes someone else’s misery to see that one isn’t so bad off oneself.”

Matti considered this and nodded his head. “I think you’re right. I can control my craving for alcohol – I learned how, but Juha… There’s this thing in his head and there’s nothing he can do about it. I really hope surgery will be successful and that he can get his life on track again.”

“So do I! By the way, Matti, I’m coming home next weekend. Do you think…would it be possible for the two of us…or do you think Chris and Juha will need you?”

“We’ll spend time in private,” Matti said determinedly. “It might be weeks before I’ll get to see you again, so I want to make good use of it. But at the same time, I don’t want to abandon Juha and Chris completely. Maybe we can find a way to divide our time and look in on them too?”

“Sure, we’ll find a way. Okay, I’ve got to go now. Antti’s throwing me dirty looks… I’ll call you again the day after tomorrow and maybe then I can already let you know when to expect me home. You can pick me up at the airport if you want to!”

“I’d love to. I’ll be there.” Matti felt shy when he added. “I love you…”

“I feel the same way, Matti… See you next weekend!”

Matti sighed and terminated the call. Then he saw Mikko standing in the doorway.

“Tommi’s flying in? Speaking about bad timing! I’ll fly over to Antti next weekend.”

Matti instantly understood what Mikko was getting at. “That would leave Juha and Chris alone in the house.”

“It shouldn’t be a problem, but… You never know what will happen. I’d like to have someone else here too.” Mikko sat down and considered his options.

“Ville offered to help,” Matti said, reminding Mikko.

Mikko nodded. “You’re right! I’ll call Ville and ask if he’d be okay spending the weekend here.”

“Do you think Chris will be okay with that?” Matti shrugged. “What if he feels… Well, he might get the impression we don’t think he’s capable of looking Juha on his own.”

“I’ll talk to him and make him understand that having someone else around is necessary. What if Chris has to leave for some time? Go get groceries for example? Juha’s in no condition to be alone.”

“All right. Call Ville.” Matti rose from the couch and stretched. “Boah, not sure why, but I really am tired! I didn’t really do anything today, but…”

“It’s the stress,” Mikko supplied. “It’ll get even worse once Juha has been operated on. He’ll need all the support he can get during his recovery.”

“I’ll be there for him…” Matti nodded. “And now I’m going to bed…and don’t worry I won’t cuddle up to you!”

Mikko grinned. “You’d better not!”

TBC

Part 2

Dis con nec ted

Chris pulled Juha’s trembling hand into his lap and rubbed the digits. The wait was also making him nervous and it had to be a hundred times worse for Juha. Mikko had driven them to hospital and now the redhead was trying to find them some coffee. That meant Juha and Chris were alone in the waiting area and the guitarist tried to sooth Juha to his best ability. “You’ll see, they’ll run some tests, get the information they need, and then I’ll take you home where we’ll cuddle up together.”

Juha nodded weakly. But what if they found something that complicated matters? Chris seemed convinced that everything would go smoothly, but Juha knew the risks involved way better than the guitarist. After all, he had lived it all once before!

Mikko returned with their coffee and handed the plastic cups to his friends. One look at Juha told him that his friend was about to panic. Sitting down on Juha’s other side, he took his friend’s other hand in his. “You know the drill, Juha. They’re only going to prod – nothing serious, nothing invasive.”

“Not yet,” Juha said and swallowed hard. “At least the same surgeon who operated on me back then is treating me again this time.” That somewhat reassured him, although only marginally. “I’m sacred,” he admitted and directed his gaze at the floor. “Afraid of what they might find. Maybe they made a mistake and it’s inoperable.”

“Hey, don’t drive yourself mad like that. We need to wait and see. You can’t draw any conclusions yet,” Mikko said when Chris remained quiet. The bass player could tell that Chris didn’t really know how to handle the situation and he was glad that he had insisted he came along – even after Chris had assured him that it wasn’t necessary.

“Juha Kylmänen,” a nurse, stepping out of the surgeon’s office, said. “You’re next. Please come inside.” She smiled at him, seeing his nervousness.

Juha swallowed hard and got to his feet. As he started to walk, he realized that Mikko and Chris were coming along, both of them holding one of his hands. Knowing that he didn’t have to do this alone gave him strength and he approached the desk. Behind it was the surgeon and he shook the man’s hand before he sat down. Mikko went to stand behind him, while Chris sat down next to him.

The surgeon, an elderly man from around fifty, opened Juha’s file and read through the information. “I’m really sorry that we have to go through this again. I’d hoped the tumor wouldn’t return.”

“So did I,” Juha said and carefully made eye contact with the surgeon.

The doctor nodded. “Let’s get started. Time’s precious – especially in your case. Juha, please follow the nurse. She’ll take you through the tests.”

“Can’t I accompany him?” Chris didn’t want Juha to have to go through this on his own.

“And you are…?” The surgeon looked inquisitively at Chris.

“I’m his partner – his life partner. We’re in this together,” Chris said firmly.

A smile surfaced on the surgeon’s face. “That’s good. Juha will need your support, but unfortunately it’s impossible for you to be present during these tests. I need to talk to you at any rate though, so why don’t you and Mikko stay with me?”

Mikko raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t thought the surgeon would remember him.

“It’s okay,” Juha said, turning toward Chris. “They won’t hurt me. It’s just a number of scans and tests. I’ll be back before you know it.”

Chris smiled broadly, loving the fact that Juha was consoling him and had momentarily shed his ashamed and shy demeanor. “In that case, I’ll try to be patient and wait for you.”

Juha took hold of Chris’ hand and quickly squeezed the limb before he followed the nurse out of the office.

“Ah, and now let’s get back to you!” The doctor gestured for Mikko to sit down, and after the redhead had done so, he added, “We need to talk.”

Chris nodded. “I need to know what to expect. Mikko might know, but I don’t and I feel lacking. I want to be there for him and support him the best way I can!”

The surgeon smiled. “In that case Juha’s chances to recover just doubled. He has someone to fight for you and you’ll fight for him!”

“How serious is it?” Mikko asked.

The doctor examined the scans done on the evening Juha had been rushed to emergency. “The tumor’s rather small and located in a part of the brain that’s operable. I give him good chances to recover.”

“What’s going to happen now?” Chris needed to know what to expect!

“After running these tests on Juha, we’ll know more. We’ll also know if a biopsy is needed before we go in to remove the tumor. Each operation adds to the risk of Juha developing complications so I want to keep them down to a minimum. If these scans are correct, and I have no reason to doubt they are, then we should be able to remove the tumor completely. In addition to surgery, just to make sure the tumor won’t return a third time, Juha will also have to go through additional treatment, maybe chemo therapy. But, we’re also constantly working on new and less invasive ways to make sure the growth doesn’t return and we’ll chose the one that will give us the best results. We’ll make that decision after he had surgery.”

“Will he get much worse?” Chris wasn’t really sure what to think.

“Not necessary. The meds he’s on slow down the growth and keep his condition stabilized. They’ll make him sleepy, but that should be it. Surgery itself will be draining on him, but he should recover in a few weeks’ time. Most exhausting on him will be the aftercare – chemo if we opt for that – or some other way to take care of any possible remaining cancer cells.”

“He’ll be able to stay at home for the most part of that?” Chris asked.

“I’d prefer for him to stay at home. Having his loved ones around, and being in familiar surroundings, often helps a patient recover more quickly.” The doctor placed the scans on his desk and then looked Chris in the eye. “You’ll have to prepare for some very rough times. The next two, or three months will be hard on Juha – and therefore on you too. I’ll give you some brochures, which explain the surgery itself and the possible methods of aftercare. I suggest you read them.”

Chris nodded. “I will! I want – no need – to know what I’m up against.”

“Cancer is a nasty enemy,” the surgeon said. “But gratefully we have become better at defeating him.” He opened a drawer and removed a whole package of brochures. “These are for you. Mikko already knows what they say, for the most part, but,” he said and looked at the redhead, “Some things have changed. You might want to give it a read as well. Research has made more things more possible and you need to be aware of all options.”

“I’ll read it,” Mikko said.

“The tests we’re running on Juha will take one more hour at the very least. Why don’t you have some coffee in the cafeteria or eat something? Check in with me again at two thirty. Juha should be back in here then as well.”

Chris and Mikko got to their feet. Chris extended his hand and shook the surgeon’s limb. “Thank you for explaining this to me in normal words. And I’ll read this!”

“You’re welcome.”

Chris and Mikko left the office and headed for the cafeteria to have some coffee and to read the information the doctor had given them.

~~~

Chris’ head reeled once he had read through most of the information. “After reading this, I feel even more worried! There are so many things that can go wrong!”

Mikko soothingly patted Chris’ arm. “You must believe that everything will go well. Don’t give those negative feelings a chance! Juha will need you to support him – to encourage him to fight!”

Chris’ jaw set determinedly. “I’ll make sure he fights! We can’t let this win!” Checking the clock, Chris realized it was time to return to the doctor’s office. “Let’s go. I want to know how Juha’s doing.”

Mikko and Chris got to their feet and walked back to the office. “He’ll probably be wasted,” Mikko said. “These things are always draining.”

Chris nodded absentmindedly. “I just want to take him into my arms again and take him home.”

Mikko squeezed Chris’ shoulder. “I’m glad you feel like that. It’s exactly what Juha needs – will need.”

“I’m glad you’re here too,” Chris said, looking Juha in the eye. “You’re a big help.”

Mikko nodded and then knocked. The doctor told them to come inside and the two men stepped into the office. Juha was already there – sitting opposite the desk and looking extremely tired. Mikko’s first reaction was to head over to the other redhead and take him into his arms, but he stopped himself just in time so Chris could do so instead.

“Hei!” Chris covered the distance between him and his lover and sat on his heels in front of Juha. Seeing the redhead so drained cut right into his heart. “You look exhausted.”

Juha managed a smile though. “Tests do that to you.”

Chris wrapped his arms around Juha and pulled him into an embrace, uncaring of what the surgeon might think. “I’ll make sure you’ll get some rest once we get home.”

The doctor coughed, delicately drawing their attention toward him.

Chris gave the elderly men an apologetic look and then seated himself on the chair next to Juha. “Did you find out more?”

The doctor nodded once. “We found more confirmation of what we thought. The tumor is located here,” he said and pointed at the lower back of his head. “And we can operate on it. I’ve also decided against doing a biopsy. I don’t want Juha to go through an operation twice in two weeks.”

Chris held Juha’s hand close in his lap and stroked his lover’s digits. “So it’s decided then?”

The surgeon nodded. “We’ll operate in ten days. Until then, I want you to keep taking your medication,” the surgeon said, addressing Juha. “I’ll wait for the results of the blood tests we did, but I don’t expect any complications.”

Juha swallowed hard. “And after I’ve had surgery…chemo?” he asked, fearing the chemo treatment more than the surgery itself.

“It’s a possibility. But there are several ways to treat the affected area. We’ll discuss them shortly. Now I need the rest of the results, and once I’ve got all information, I’ll schedule surgery.”

“Will he have to stay at the hospital for a long time?” Chris wanted to know.

“Juha will have to check in the day before surgery. We’ll run some last tests then and discuss possible aftercare. Then we’ll have to see how surgery goes, but I expect him having to stay a few days, yes,” the surgeon replied.

“Is there a chance that I can stay with him?” Chris asked, and he was surprised to see Juha stare at him in bewilderment. “What?” he asked. “Do you really think I want you to be alone when I can be there with you?” To his surprise, Juha blushed fiercely. He sighed, realizing this was probably leading back to the fact that Juha’s family hadn’t taken care of him when he had been younger. But hell, he wasn’t like Juha’s father! Or brother!

The doctor took his time thinking Chris’ question over. “Actually, we have been experimenting with allowing spouses to stay.”

Juha swallowed hard and averted his gaze. “But we’re not married.” Chris wasn’t his spouse -- *just* his lover.

Chris rested the palm of his hand against Juha’s face and forced the redhead to raise his head and look at him. “I’d marry you in a heartbeat.”

Mikko’s eyes shone with amusement and approval. He almost expected Chris to drop to his knee and propose.

Juha however was stunned and didn’t know how to react, but his blush *did* deepen since it was a reaction he couldn’t control.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” the surgeon said bemused. “We’ll make an exception in your case, but…”

Juha quickly looked at the doctor, wondering what ‘but’ would follow.

“But I won’t stop you from proposing and getting married,” the surgeon said an winked. “Marital life is a bliss.” He directed his gaze at the picture frame on his desk, showing his wife and little son.

The doctor’s remark made Juha even more nervous. Not even in his wildest dreams had he ever thought that the topic of marriage would ever come up between Chris and him and certainly not in a doctor’s office!

“Keep in touch,” the surgeon said as he walked them to the door. “And please make an appointment with my assistant before you leave!”

Juha walked next to Chris like in a dream. He barely noticed that they got another appointment or that Chris and Mikko guided him back to the car. He was still stunned that Chris had said that he would marry him in a heartbeat.

“Hey, what’s got you so far away with your thoughts?” Chris searched Juha’s face and frowned because the redhead still avoided looking at him. “Did I do something wrong? Or are you upset because of something that doctor said?”

Juha cast a quick look at Mikko and saw in the reflection of the back sight mirror that his friend was grinning. Mikko knew what was occupying him. But could he tell Chris that he doubted the other men really meant it?

“Mikko? Care to help me out? Juha isn’t going to tell me and I really need to know what I did wrong!” Chris had decided to ask Mikko, now that Juha remained quiet. Juha’s hand, which rested in his lap, shook fiercely.

Mikko wasn’t sure what to do. He had the feeling Juha wasn’t going to tell Chris and he *did* think it important that there were no misunderstanding between the two lovers. “The fact that you almost proposed probably took Juha aback.”

“Ah,” Chris said, drawing the sound out. Looking at his lover again, he cocked his head and realized Juha’s blush was fading. Instead, the other man was growing pale. “I meant it,” he said, rubbing Juha’s clam and trembling fingers. “I really would marry you within a heartbeat if something like that were legal here in Finland.”

Juha wasn’t angry with Mikko for telling on him. He knew his friend had only the best in mind. Nibbling nervously on his bottom lip, he shyly glanced at Chris. “Even when you were marrying a vegetable? An invalid? Or…” He swallowed hard. “All those things can happen, you know!”

“I know that. I read these,” Chris said, and raised the leaflets the doctor had given him. “And yes, I’d still do it.”

“Even if you had to take care of me for the rest of your life? So many things can go wrong during surgery! And even if the operation goes well, once I start chemo then…I’ll lose my hair, grow bloated and… It won’t be me anymore!”

“Juha, it’ll always be you!” Chris sighed: he wondered how many times he’d have to tell Juha he loved him no matter what! Pulling the redhead in his arms, he tucked Juha’s head beneath his chin. “I love you and I want to take care of you! Would I be here otherwise?”

Juha wasn’t sure how to answer that. Chris had made a valid point – Chris was at his side, holding him, and supporting him. “I love you,” Juha whispered and closed his eyes in order to savor his lover’s presence.

~~~

Mikko had to leave for work after he had dropped them of at home. Matti however was already standing in the doorway and pulled them inside. “How did things go at the hospital?” he asked as he helped Juha out of his heavy coat.

Chris folded an arm around Juha and the three of them headed into the living room where Chris updated Matti and put the brochures onto the coffee table so his brother could read them.

“But that sounds encouraging!” Matti nodded enthusiastically as he poured some orange juice into their glasses. He had decided against more caffeine and had opted for something more healthy instead. The three of them sat down and Matti noticed the way Juha sagged against Chris. The redhead was drained and barely managed to keep his eyes open. “Maybe it’s time for another nap?” he suggested.

“Not yet,” Juha protested, but not very loudly. “Don’t want to go to bed yet.” He would spend way too much time in bed in the future. For as long as he could, he wanted to pretend that everything was ‘normal’.

Chris allowed it, not wanting to argue with the drained man. Instead, he opted for a more gentle approach. He caressed Juha’s hair in a soothing manner and waited for the eyes to close fully. That happened five minutes later. Juha was soundly asleep.

“Good tactic,” Matti said, complimenting his brother.

“Why argue when I can accomplish the same thing in this way?” Feeling pleased, Chris lifted Juha in his arms and carried him upstairs. To his dismay the redhead woke up during the transport, but Juha didn’t object to being carried into the bedroom. Chris placed him on the bed and then stretched next to him. “Matti’s idea to take a nap sounds really good.” Especially for Juha and Chris wouldn’t mind to hold his lover in his sleep. He would never get enough of looking at him and holding him close.

“I guess he’s right…” Juha whispered and yawned. “You don’t have to stay though. You must be getting tired of being confined to bed all the time.”

“Hey, I just arrived the other day and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do that be in bed with you.”

“Even when there’s no sex?”

“Even when there’s no sex!” Chris grinned. “Would you like to have sex though?”

Chris’ question took Juha by surprise. “What?”

“I’ll repeat my question,” Chris said teasingly, relishing the fact that Juha was very much alert all of a sudden. “Would you like to have sex? Do you want to make love?”

Juha swallowed nervously and averted his gaze. Of course he wanted to make love with Chris! He always did, but…

“Talk to me, baby.” Chris turned Juha’s face toward him so the redhead had to make eye contact. “What troubles you? Why is there such a glum look in your eyes?”

“I…don’t know if…”

Chris waited a little longer, but when Juha remained quiet, he said, “I still find you attractive, Juha. That will never change and I want to show you how much I love you. If you want that too, that is. If you feel up to it. If you’re too tired we can postpone it until tonight.”

Juha swallowed again and grew jittery. “I want to make love,” he said eventually. “And I’m not too tired to have sex, but…are you sure you still want to be with me in that way? With a sick person?”

Chris sucked in his breath. “Damn it, Juha! Yes, you have a brain tumor, but you aren’t your illness! You are still you! Don’t hide behind this tumor. I really don’t get it. What’s wrong with you? I fucking love you! I’d rip my heart out and sacrifice it if would help you recover! I love you and I want to be with you! I know that somewhere down there there’s still the real you. Why are you doing this? Why are you acting like this? Stop being a fucking victim!” Chris immediately regretted his outburst when he saw Juha flinch, but his little speech came straight from the heart. “I mean it, baby. I love you. I’m not going to leave you. I’ll always be with you. Why can’t you believe that? Or accept it? Juha, I… I’d do anything for you!”

Juha remained quiet for a long while. Chris’ statement kept repeating itself in his head and he re-lived his lover’s outburst time and time again. Once he felt up to it, he tried to explain, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want you to feel forced to take care of me in any way.” Chris was about to interrupt him, but Juha firmly shook his head. “No listen to me!”

Chris stayed quiet, but his blazing eyes showed the fierce emotions he was going through.

“It’s hard for me to believe that you’re going to stay! That you’d still want me! The only person who ever stood with me was Mikko! And during all that time, I was afraid he would get fed up with having to nurse me as well! And now… Chris, I want you to hold me! I want you to take care of me, but I’m scared.”

“But Juha, you don’t need to be scared. Just accept what I’m offering! It comes from the heart. I love you. I’m not like your father or brother. I won’t desert you.”

Juha sighed, nodded, and then rested his head against Chris’ shoulder. “When you said you’d marry me, I… thought that… It’s stupid, of course. We can’t marry. It wouldn’t be legal anyway.”

Chris smiled and pressed a kiss onto the crown of Juha’s head. “Juha Kylmänen, will you marry me?” Juha’s eyes widened and his body tensed in Chris’ embrace. Chris however continued to smile and lifted the redhead’s face so he could look into those green eyes. “I mean it. Marry me. Become mine forever.”

Juha swallowed again. “But Chris…”

“What are the words? For better or worse? I mean it! No matter what the future brings, I want you to know that I’ll be there for you!” Chris looked Juha in the eye. “I’m serious! So, do you want me?”

Juha had never expected Chris to propose and he wasn’t sure what to reply. Yes, he wanted this, but…

“Be honest with yourself. Be honest with me. Will you marry me?” Chris caressed Juha’s face and smiled winningly.

“Yes,” Juha sighed as the truth escaped him. “I want that.”

“Good. And now that’s settled I suggest you rest and let me plan a pink wedding.”

Juha groaned. “A pink wedding? You don’t expect me to wear a pink wedding dress, do you?”

Chris chuckled. “That thought *is* amusing, but no, I won’t make you wear a dress.”

“Kiitos,” Juha whispered and closed his eyes. Growing doubtful again, he had to make sure and asked, “Are you really being serious or is this just a big game?”

“No game,” Chris said firmly. “This is serious. I don’t know yet how to do this, but I’ll find a way. Even if we can only speak our vows and put rings on, without it really being official, I’ll settle for that. But you *are* mine, Juha Kylmänen.”

Chris’ possessive tone made Juha smile, and as he dozed off, that grin remained on his face. Drifting away on happy thoughts, he realized Chris *had* found a way to make him see that the other man really loved him. He could count on Chris to be there for him and from that moment on, he would fight to survive and recover.

~~~

“Hum,” Jonne purred and stretched. “That was great.” He had missed making love with Jack. “I want some more loving later tonight.” He had curled up in Jack’s arms and gave the guitarist smitten looks. He would have loved to stay in bed like that, but it was only six in the evening and Lauri and Jack needed to practice for tomorrow’s gig.

Jack caressed Jonne’s soft skin and couldn’t help patting the blond’s tummy. “Soft and warm,” he said before placing a raspberry onto the sensitive skin. “Just the way I want it.”

Jonne giggled. “You’re being silly.” Ah, but he felt amazing after Jack had made love to him. He would never get enough of that feeling. Crawling atop of his lover, he kissed Jack. “I’m wondering…”

“What about?” Jack asked as he brushed blond strands of elusive hair behind Jonne’s right ear.

“Will you kiss me on stage tomorrow? Make out with me?” Jonne sounded and looked positively wicked as he asked Jack that.

Japa wiggled an eyebrow. “Hum, how far would you want to take that?”

Jonne shook his head and playfully poked Jack in his chest. “Not that far!”

“Pity,” Jack deadpanned.

Jonne shook his head again. “I didn’t take you for someone who liked doing it with an audience.” Jack wriggled an eyebrow again, making Jonne laugh. Leaning in closer, he engaged Jack’s lips in a kiss, imagining what tomorrow’s show would be like.

~~~

Lauri enjoyed rehearsing with Jack. He grinned, seeing Jack holding Chris’ pink lady.

“Pink is definitely not my color,” Jack said and smiled. “But she sounds amazing.”

Rehearsing Chris’ parts with Jack, Lauri lost himself in the music. That hadn’t happened for quite some time. Playing with Jack was different from playing with Chris and somehow he started to feel ambitious and he couldn’t help showing off a bit.

Which Jonne noticed. Jonne grinned, rested his back against the sofa, and drank some water. He had decided not to drink alcohol when Lauri was close as he didn’t want to tempt his friend.

“Sounds good!” Tommi joined them and gave then a pleased look. “That will be quite the show tomorrow!”

Jonne grinned and thought, /Oh Tommi, you have no idea. Tomorrow’s show will be hot!/

~~~

“What’s going on?” Nakki wondered why Tommi had had them assemble in the hotel lobby. It was close to eight and he had hoped to finally catch a bite to eat. For some reason Tommi hadn’t arranged for them to have dinner that night!

“I’ve got a little surprise,” Tommi announced. “Get going! Get into the bus.”

Jonne’s expression darkened: he had wanted to make love again! Jack however merely grinned and didn’t seem too bothered. That darkened his mood further.

“Jonne, get going or I’ll personally kick your ass!” Tommi said and swatted his younger brother’s bottom playfully.

“Hey, that hurt!” Jonne protested.

“I barely touched you!” Tommi shook his head and then scooted them out of the hotel and into the bus.

“Where are we going?” Lauri asked as he sat down next to Nakki. Sharing with Nakki and Jay had lifted his spirits.

“As I said, it’s a surprise!” Tommi sat down and told the driver to get going. A minute later, the bus was on its way and Jonne moved closer. He already knew what his younger brother was up to. “No, I’m not telling you! Forget about it. And pouting won’t get you anywhere!”

Sulking, Jonne returned to Jack’s side, crossed his arms over his chest, and threw Tommi an evil look. Unfortunately for him, his action only resulted in making Tommi and Jack laugh.

~~~

Frowning, Lauri looked about. The bus had parked and Tommi had chased them outside again. “So, are you going to tell us now?”

Tommi shrugged his shoulders. “Are you hungry?”

Nakki reacted at once. “I am!”

“Me too,” Jay said, joining in.

“Actually, I could do with something to eat too,” Jonne admitted. Making love with Jack had left him hungry. “What?” he asked as caught several of them looking at him in surprise. “I get hungry! I eat too!”

“For that I can vouch!” Jack wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and patted Jonne’s tummy. Jonne’s reaction was to grow totally flustered and Jack acted at once. “I love you that way.”

Tommi chuckled and then chased them inside. He had booked a table and the waitress took them into the back where they seated themselves. He kept a close eye on Lauri though, assuming the guitarist to be stressed in this situation where he expected alcohol to be all around, but he had chosen this place for a reason.

Antti’s eyes widened as he studied the menu. “No fucking alcohol? Tommi, do you want to kill me? All they serve are juices and non-alcohol beer! How am I supposed to get drunk that way?”

“You can do without getting drunk for a change,” Lauri said, giving Antti a meaningful look.

Antti sighed. They were teaming up against him! He couldn’t wait for Mikko to finally get there!

TBC

Part 3

This Maniac’s in love with you!

“Hey, I really don’t mind! Please let me!” Chris gave Juha the most pleading look he was capable of as he combed the long, red hair. They were seated on their bed, Chris still naked and a bit clam from the shower they had taken, and Juha wrapped in a warm blanket. When Juha had expressed the desire to shower, Chris had insisted on accompanying him. Chris had even behaved and had kept his hands to himself, though touching Juha had aroused him. He had ignored it though, having seen the tired expression in his lover’s eyes.

Juha wasn’t sure what to make of Chris’ constant care for him. He had begun to accept that the dark-haired man wasn’t going to desert him – at least not right away – but constantly being pampered like that felt odd. “I can comb it myself. You don’t need to wait on me like that.” Although he had said that, he wasn’t sure he could still raise his hand long enough for him to untangle his hair. The last time he had tried Mikko had had to finish the job.

“I like doing this for you,” Chris said softly and placed a kiss on Juha’s exposed shoulder.

Juha sighed. “Then go ahead and indulge yourself. The hair will be gone in a month at any rate.” Closing his eyes, he bowed his head and fought the tears that were building behind his eyelids.

“Hey, I know you love your hair, and so do I, but Juha, it’s only hair. It’ll grow back. It’s a small prize to pay if it means I get to keep you with me.” Chris placed the comb aside and pulled Juha against him. He wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed his way along the shoulder. “I love you and nothing is going to change that.”

If only Juha could believe that! Raising his head slightly, he looked at Chris from over his shoulder. “I need you so bad,” he admitted in a broken voice.

“I’ll always be at your side, I promise.” Chris moved about on the bed until he knelt next to his lover. Gently he lowered Juha unto his back and parted the fabric of the blanket to uncover his lover’s delicate skin. “I love you,” he whispered before letting his lips close around an exposed nipple. Licking at the nub, it hardened beneath the caress and Chris peeked at Juha’s eyes. Tension and fear lay in there and he wanted to do away with them. “Let me…”

Juha nodded slowly, uncertain about Chris’ plans. He surrendered to his lover like he had the very first time they had made love. His lips eagerly took Chris’ when his lover brushed them. Moaning into Chris’ mouth, he raised his arms and rested his shaky hands on his lover’s back, stroking the skin there to his best ability.

Juha’s actions encouraged Chris, who hadn’t been sure his lover would want this – right now – but now he intensified the caresses and deepened the kiss. Juha groaned and shifted nervously between him. Catching on, Chris moved in-between his lover’s parted legs and blanketed Juha’s body with his. Brushing Juha’s brow with his fingertips, he looked him in the eye. “Let me make love to you…”

Juha nodded again and drew in a deep breath. It had been a while since they’d made love and he felt nervous. For some reason it felt like it was their first time together all over again. “I trust you… I love you, and yes, I want this…” Brushing Chris’ lips with his fingertips, he couldn’t hold back a smile because Chris’ tongue suddenly sneaked out and licked at his bottom lip. “Make love to me, Chris…”

Chris centered himself. He was already hard and ready, had been so ever since the shower they had taken, but he was determined to take his time with Juha. He wasn’t going to rush this. Guiding Juha’s hands, which trembled uncontrollably, onto the mattress, he placed kisses in their palms and then showered his lover’s torso with kisses and licks. He concentrated on giving his lover pleasure, knowing Juha needed this as much as he did, maybe even more.

Chris moved lower and licked along Juha’s length. The redhead was only semi hard and that fact motivated Chris to arouse Juha even more. He wanted Juha to want him as much as he wanted the redhead! “Let go, baby. Everything’s fine. I want you to enjoy this.” Kissing Juha on the lips, he rubbed his body against his lover’s. With his left hand he reached for the lube while his right stroked Juha slowly.

It wasn’t that easy though for Juha to do away with his fears and apprehension. It was obvious that Chris wanted him – loved him – but something held Juha back from showing his own desire in such a way. /What if this is our last time together? What if I get worse and we can’t…/ Juha was afraid to finish that thought and let it go, but then another entered his mind and made him tense up again. /What if he no longer finds me desirable after surgery? What if…/

“Juha, baby, I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but please… Just allow for it to happen. It’ll do you good. It’ll do us both good. I love you so much.” Stroking Juha’s skin, Chris returned to Juha’s lips and kissed them. He kept up the soothing caresses and kisses until Juha finally began to unwind beneath him. The redhead started to kiss him back and squirmed beneath him now that he had grown hard too.

Chris was driving him insane and Juha was convinced that his lover was doing so on purpose. The fire Chris had unleashed inside him rose to new heights and Juha raised his upper body so he could press close.

Chris smiled and then licked his lips. “What do you want, baby?”

Juha blinked: did Chris really think he was still capable of making decisions at that point? “Do whatever you want with me.” If this was to be their last time together he wanted it to be good.

“In that case I’ll do just that.” Chris gave Juha a thoughtful look and considered his lover. Adding lube to a fingertip, he slowly pressed inside. Beneath him, Juha’s eyes widened before they closed again. He could actually feel Juha relax and the channel loosen. He wasn’t going to take any chances though, and after adding more lube, he returned with two digits. He stretched Juha until he was certain he could enter his lover’s body without causing him discomfort. “Juha, I…”

Juha opened his eyes, curious as to why Chris had stopped talking.

“I didn’t tell you, but during these last few months I got tested. Most of the time I was careful and used condoms, but there’s always a chance that…” Chris didn’t finish, knowing Juha would catch on. “I tested clean and… I was thinking that maybe we could do without a condom this time. I’d really love to feel you…”

Juha swallowed hard. He’d always had protected sex, first with Mikko and then with Jaana. Juha nodded slowly, after thinking it over. “I want that too.” Would it feel any different?

Chris drew in a deep breath. “We’ll go slow…” He positioned himself between Juha’s legs and blanketed the redhead’s body. Guiding himself with one hand, he gently entered his lover. He kept a close eye on Juha, having long learnt to read the other man’s expression. Sheathing himself slowly, he inched deeper inside until he was buried to the hilt. Juha’s eyes had widened further, and the redhead’s breathing came in gasps, but Chris didn’t read any discomfort in those amazing eyes.

Juha wrapped his arms around Chris, hating the way he trembled against his lover. In the past, he had trembled due to desire, but now things were different. “Feels good,” he whispered after another long moment.

“Feels even better than…” Chris sucked in his breath when Juha tightened his inner muscles around him. “You tease…” Claiming Juha’s lips once more, he was delighted to see the spark return to his lover’s eyes. “Don’t ever change, you hear me? I love you just the way you are.”

Juha caressed Chris’ face and nodded. “I’ll try.”

Chris then thrust for the first time – slowly and very gently. He wanted this to be a joining of their minds, as well as one of their bodies. He wanted to give Juha the strength his lover needed to deal with his fears. “I love you… No matter what the future will bring.”

Juha met Chris’ next thrust and together they found a comfortable rhythm. Making love tenderly, they kissed and stroked each other’s bodies. Chris however found it impossible to draw his release out and he came after just a minute, leaving Juha behind. “Didn’t want to leave you behind,” he whispered against Juha’s lips.

Juha’s eyes widened, feeling warm on the inside when Chris found release inside him. This was definitely a new feeling!

Chris grinned at seeing Juha’s surprised expression. “How does it feel?”

“Odd,” Juha said, opting for the truth. “But also very comfortable…” He was about to wrap his fingers around his cock to bring himself to orgasm when Chris guided his hand away. “But…”

Chris grinned like a cat and then shook his head. “Not like that.” He guided Juha’s hand onto his hip, where the fingers trembled against his skin. “I want to know what’s like too.” Reaching for the lube again, he coated Juha’s cock with a generous amount and then raised himself. Juha’s gaze met his and, realizing the redhead was about to protest, Chris placed a finger against the other man’s lips. “I want this…”

“But you’re not prepared and…” Juha’s voice faded away and a deep moan escaped his lips instead as Chris lowered himself onto his cock. Juha had to close his eyes – the sensation of feeling Chris around him was intense and he had to concentrate on not coming that very moment.

Chris bit down on his lip and ignored the discomfort he felt. He knew it would change into pleasure soon .”Look at me,” he whispered as he twined their fingers and supported himself that way. Juha’s eyes opened and the expression in them took Chris’ breath away. “You’re amazing…”

Juha wanted to return the compliment, but then Chris rotated his hips. Being stimulated in that way drove Juha almost over the edge and he had to fight hard not to come that moment.

Chris loved seeing that particular expression in Juha’s eyes and bent from the hip, getting close enough to his lover to kiss him. Circling his hips again and kissing Juha, he slowly, but certainly steered toward their joined orgasm as he had grown hard again too.

“Chris, I can’t… I’m…” Juha was about to come and wanted to warn his lover.

“It’s okay. Let go…” Chris licked at Juha’s bottom lip and then suckled the sensitive skin beneath his teeth. Juha quivered beneath him and Chris claimed his lover’s lips, eventually sucking on the tip of Juha’s tongue at the moment of the other man’s release. A moment later, Chris let go himself and tumbled over the edge as well, joining his lover in bliss. Purring like a cat, he rubbed his cheek against Juha’s face. “Wow.” That felt amazing all right. He had actually felt Juha come and the warmth that spread inside him reached his very core. “I want to do it again,” he purred contently.

Juha pet Chris’ hair and smiled. “Give me a moment to recover, okay?”

Chris raised his head and locked eyes with Juha. Making love had done them good. The expression in Juha’s eyes had changed. The way Juha looked at him right now felt very familiar to him. Chris brushed some red strands behind Juha’s ear and sighed regrettably at feeling his lover soften. Then their physical connection was gone, but he hoped their emotional one had remained intact. “Just put your trust in me and I promise that I won’t let you down.”

Juha studied Chris’ gaze for a long time and then nodded slowly. “Please don’t hurt me. I was betrayed once before and I won’t survive if this time it would be you turning your back on me. I can live without my father and brother, but I can’t be without you. You’re in my blood.”

Chris understood only too well. “I feel the same way, believe me.” Chris lost himself in Juha’s eyes. He didn’t know where the words suddenly came from, but he had to say them, had to show Juha his marriage proposal had been serious. “Juha Kylmänen,  I offer you my love.” Chris kissed him on the lips and then resumed gazing into those green eyes. “I offer you my strength, which I hope you’ll take.” Since their fingers were still twined, he squeezed Juha’s in confirmation of his words. ”I offer you my support and my loyalty. I love only you…” Chris caressed Juha’s face and started to tremble himself. “I offer you all these things for as long as we both shall live.”

Juha failed to keep his tears from falling and they glided down his face. “Chris, I don’t know what to say.” Everything that had happened just now had overwhelmed him.

“Just say you accept,” Chris said and smiled. “We’ll have a real ceremony in time, but for me, it was important to say these words right now.”

“I accept… I want you…” Unable to say more, Juha slung his arms around Chris and wept softly – but the tears that fell now were tears of happiness.

~~~

Tommi tapped his foot impatiently. “Now, what did you think you were doing on stage?”

Jonne and Japa exchanged looks, which spoke of amusement, but also of a small measure of guilt. “We’re sorry,” Jonne said eventually. “We forgot that we weren’t alone.”

Tommi exploded. “Jonne, you were that far away from pulling Jack atop of you!” Tommi raised his hand and showed just how close the two of them had been to getting dirty on stage. The space between his thumb and fingers was practically non-existent. “You can get arrested for that!”

It had started out innocent enough with some kisses and touches, but then things had gotten out of hand. Tommi sighed and shook his head. “Thanks to Antti, things didn’t get more…explicit!” The bass player had practically pulled Jack away, who had been about to straddle Jonne in a most provocative way. “You can do those things in the bedroom but not on stage! Kisses are okay! Hugs too, but not something like that!” Tommi was going to put his foot down. He had to make clear where he stood otherwise they would try something like that again. “Behave! I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail!”

Jack shuffled his feet. “I couldn’t help it. He looked so good…”

Jonne grinned. He had known that Jack wouldn’t be able to resist him if he stretched on his back on stage and gestured for him to come closer. He hadn’t counted on Tommi to ruin his fun though!

“You should praise yourself lucky that the audience – which mostly consists of girls – thought of your action as sweet, but you’re not going to do that again! Promise me!” Tommi glared at his younger brother first. “Jonne, tell me!”

“I’ll behave,” Jonne said. That meant, he would try. He had no idea if it would work.

“And now you!” Tommi pointed a finger at Jack, who looked more embarrassed than Jonne did.

“I’ll try,” Jack replied, casting angry looks in Antti’s direction. The redhead was laughing at him.

“Ah, young love,” Nakki said and chuckled. “Must be wonderful.”

“But not on stage! And now, go outside and talk to your fans.” Tommi caught Jonne grinning and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. “Forget about it. I’ll watch your every move!”

Pouting, Jonne went outside. Tommi was no fun at all!

~~~

After they had made love, Juha had curled up in bed, buried amidst pillows and blankets which Chris had piled atop of him to make sure he remained warm. Juha watched Chris leave the bed from behind half-open eyelids and grinned when Chris’ ass came into full view. Had he been more energetic he would have whistled to show his appreciation! “Where are you going?”

“Kitchen! I’m hungry! Want me to bring you something?” Chris turned toward Juha after he had slipped into his very long, and very favorite pink and black striped shirt.

Juha turned his head and realized it was four in the afternoon. Mikko would probably start cooking shortly. “Something warm… Some tea perhaps?”

“Do you also want something to eat?” Chris had noticed that Juha had lost weight, and although it wasn’t an issue yet, he wanted to make sure his lover stayed on a good weight.

“Some chocolate maybe?” Juha closed his eyes again, pressed deeper into the mattress, and enjoyed the relaxed and sated feeling he was experiencing.

“I’ll see what I can do!” If there wasn’t any in the house, he would get some for Juha. “I’ll be right back. Stay where you are, okay?”

Juha didn’t think it was necessary to keep him confined to bed, but he nodded, wanting Chris to feel reassured. “I’ll be good and sleep.”

Chris chuckled and pressed a kiss onto his lover’s brow. “It’ll only take a minute!” After tucking the blanket tightly around Juha’s form, Chris left the room and headed for the kitchen.

~~~

“Ah, I thought you’d stay in bed all day! Not that I blame you! The sounds coming from your bedroom were rather…interesting,” Matti said, teasing his brother.

Chris was tempted to throw something at Matti. Fortunately for his younger brother, there was nothing in range to throw with. “Do you have chocolate? Juha wants some,” Chris said, addressing Mikko.

Mikko rose from behind the kitchen table and searched a kitchen cabinet. “Here, take this. He loves white chocolate.”

Chris gave Mikko a thoughtful look. “Can he have some tea too?”

“Sure, I’ll make some.” Mikko grinned. “So he has got you running errands?”

“I was hungry and offered to bring him something too.” Chris made himself a sandwich and started to eat. “Damn, I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, having sex tends to burn lots of calories!” Matti said and grinned.

Chris was about to admonish his younger brother when a loud thud sounded from upstairs. It immediately alarmed them and Chris jumped from his chair. “Damn, I told him to stay in bed until I got back!” Deserting the food, Chris ran upstairs and was closely followed by Mikko and Matti.

Chris was about to lecture his lover about making promises and then not keeping them, when he froze in the bedroom. “Mikko, what the fuck…?” What was going on? Juha was on the floor and his body shook fiercely.

“He’s having a seizure!” Mikko reacted at once and knelt at Juha’s side. “There’s not much we can do, except wait it out and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.” He removed a blanket from the bed, wrapped it around Juha, and then lowered the redhead into Chris’ arms. “Don’t hold him too tight. He must be able to move.”

Chris embraced Juha and swallowed hard as the convulsions intensified. “I want it to stop!” Seeing Juha in that way hurt.

“It will. Just bear with me.” Mikko squeezed Juha’s hand and together, they waited for the redhead’s seizure to end, which it did, two minutes later. “It’s done.”

Chris hugged Juha as tightly as he dared. “Why did that happen? What was it?”

“It’s due to the tumor. It’s causing seizures. Juha had them the first time around too. They’re not dangerous, just scary to watch.” This also meant he had to call Juha’s surgeon as quickly as possible. Maybe then the doctor would want to operate at an earlier moment. “Let’s get him back into bed.”

Mikko and Chris moved Juha back. Chris lay down beside his lover, refusing to let go for even a moment. When Mikko looked at Chris again, he saw a guilty expression in the other man’s eyes. “Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know this would happen.”

“One of us needs to stay close to Juha at all time!” Chris said determinedly. “I’m not going to leave his side again!”

“That’s not possible.” Matti sat down next to Chris on the bed. “We’ll take turns, okay?”

No, that wasn’t okay, but Chris also knew he couldn’t watch Juha constantly. Suddenly Juha stirred and the eyes opened. Chris managed a weak, but hopefully reassuring smile. “Hei.”

Juha swallowed nervously and then his gaze darted from Chris to Mikko. Seeing the expression on the other redhead’s face made him swallow once more and he pressed even closer to Chris. “It happened again, didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did. I’m sorry, but you had a seizure.” Mikko patted Juha’s hair. “It must have started after Chris left the room. We heard a loud thud and ran upstairs to check on you. You were on the floor. You must have fallen from the bed.”

Juha closed his eyes again. He felt tired. “I’m sorry if I scared you,” he said and when he opened them again, he focused his gaze on Chris. “I told you that things would get worse.”

“No matter how bad it’ll get, I won’t desert you.” Chris pressed a kiss onto Juha’s hair. “Do you think you can sleep?”

Juha nodded. “I should rest.” He felt exhausted. “You don’t have to stay though…”

“I want to stay!” Chris stated firmly. “I’m not letting you out of my sight again!”

A weak smile appeared on Juha’s lips as he cuddled up to Chris. “Thank you for staying.” He briefly opened his eyes when he felt some movement on the bed. It was Harmaa who was settled down against him. Automatically he lifted his hand to pet her. Stroking the fur helped him relax and Juha eventually dozed off again.

“It’s okay to cry,” Mikko offered at seeing Chris angrily wipe at his tears. “I cried a lot back then too. Actually, Juha and I cried together. It helps deal with stuff.”

Chris sighed deeply. “I can’t show any weakness. I need to be strong for Juha.”

“But you don’t need to be strong the entire time,” Matti reminded him. “If you stumble, we’re there to catch you.”

Matti’s words made Chris smile and he nodded once. It was good to have friends and family like that.

~~~

“Get a room!” Nakki said as he watched Jonne and Japa make out on the couch located in the back of the bus. “Or make out in your bunk!” Nakki didn’t mind the making out thing one bit, but getting on Jonne’s nerves was fun, especially when the blond was horny like hell, like right now.

“You know, Jay’s still single,” Jonne said shrewdly. “Why don’t you go make out with him and stop being jealous!”

Nakki chuckled and sipped his beer. “I rather have a full-curved woman!”

Jonne mumbled something beneath his breath and pulled Jack with him. He lay down on his bunk and pulled Jack beside him. “There’s no privacy here!” Antti was watching him – the redhead’s bunk was located opposite his. “I hate this!”

“In that case we’ll have to do as Tommi said and behave.” Jack would settle for kissing and cuddling. He loved holding Jonne in his arms.

Jonne however, wanted more. “Maybe we can try the bathroom. Maybe it’ll work.”

Jack shook his head. “Too cramped.”

Jonne cursed beneath his breath. “Damn it!”

Jack pulled the blond close and kissed him. “I’ll make things up to you later, once we get another hotel room, all right?”

Jonne sulked, but even he knew that they had no choice. They couldn’t have sex in front of their friends!

~~~

“I just called your doctor,” Mikko said as he joined Juha and Chris in the bedroom again. “And he wants us to come in first thing tomorrow.”

Juha sighed distressed. “Do you think he’ll want to reschedule surgery?”

“That might be possible. He won’t take any unnecessary risks and now that you’re also experiencing seizures…” Mikko shrugged. “We’ll find out tomorrow. Try to sleep some more.”

Chris nodded. “I’ll stay with you.”

Juha however, shook his head. “You’ve been stuck here with me all evening!”

Chris however reacted instantly and said in a firm voice, “Forget about it! It’s time for you to take your meds, and then, you’ll go back to sleep and I’ll try to get some sleep too!”

“Chris, it’s only nine in the evening. You don’t have to stay with me all the time!”

Chris shook his head again. “There’s no place I’d rather be than with you!”

Juha gave up, realizing Chris wouldn’t give in. “Suit yourself then.”

Mikko handed Juha the pills, which the redhead took and then Chris pulled Juha into his arms once more. Mikko rose from the bed and waved before leaving the room. He had to leave for work and had to work late since there was a concert at the pub. Matti however would keep an eye on Chris and Juha and could drive them to hospital should anything go wrong.

~~~

Later that night, Juha woke up feeling disorientated. The first thing he registered though was Chris, soundly asleep next to him. Feeling reassured, he closed his eyes again and drew in a series of deep breaths. He hated this thing inside his brain which had wrecked his life. His future, which had only weeks ago looked bright and promising, had darkened. He wasn’t even sure if he could hold on to his job. His boss, although mostly understanding, had already told him that he couldn’t call in sick that often. And if he lost his job, he wouldn’t be able to pay his part of the mortgage, which meant they might have to sell the house.

That was, if he lived long enough to witness that. Or maybe the surgery would make a vegetable out of him, and he would be drooling and staring at the ceiling for the rest of his life, no longer recognizing Chris or his friends. Warm tears welled in his eyes and then dripped onto Chris’ shoulder.

Feeling confused, Chris blinked before eventually opening his eyes fully. Looking at Juha, he found his lover in tears and shaking himself to pieces. Was the redhead experiencing another seizure or what was going on? “Baby?”

“Chris, if anything goes wrong during surgery, pull the plug, okay? I don’t want to be in a coma for the rest of my life. I don’t want any machines to breathe for me… I don’t want that!”

“Oh no!” Chris buried his lover in a tight embrace. “Don’t even think about that! The surgeon was confident that surgery would go all right. Don’t picture the worst scenario!”

“But still, I need you to know…” Juha clawed at Chris’ shirt. “I want you to be in charge, should anything go wrong. I’ll tell the surgeon that tomorrow. I don’t want my father or my brother making any decisions. You know me best. And Chris, I’m telling you – if I end up brain-dead, or whatever, don’t keep me alive. Pull the plug!”

Chris swallowed convulsively. “Juha, I’m not sure I can do that – make such a call. I need you.”

“Don’t make me suffer unnecessary! Please!” Juha’s eyes simmered. “And if I die, have me cremated and my ashes dispersed in the wind. I don’t want to be buried.”

Chris’ features contorted. He couldn’t believe they were actually discussing this! “But Juha, you’re not going to die!”

“But if I die, please carry out my last wishes.” Juha lifted his tear-streaked face. “Please, Chris. If you love me, then do it!”

Chris had a hard time breathing. His heart was thumping madly and his blood rushed through his veins in an absurd pace. “You’re not going to die, damn it!” The mere idea of having to live without Juha was too much to take for Chris. He loved Juha too much, had invested everything he was into their relationship, and without Juha he would only be half the man he used to be – a shadow of himself, and he wouldn’t want to live like that. Wisely though, he kept his mouth shut, knowing hearing that would only upset Juha further. “Please don’t die.”

Juha continued to weep for a few more minutes, but then wiped at his tears. He had to be strong too. He couldn’t expect Chris to be strong all the time. “I’m sorry for upsetting you, but I had to tell you.” Raising his head once more, he made eye contact. “You’re the most important person in my life and you need to know my innermost thoughts.”

In a desperate attempt to distract Juha – and himself – Chris patted Harmaa’s fur. “Would you like to get some cats of our own later?”

Juha allowed it: knowing Chris needed to hold on to hope for both their sakes. “Maybe. We’ll see what happens.”

“Do you like cats?” Chris wanted to discuss a topic that was ‘safe’ and didn’t bring up death.

“I used to have one as a boy. You know that my father was always busy with work and my brother is a few years older than me. He didn’t want me to bother him. And mum, she had to divide her time between the three of us.”

“You were lonely,” Chris realized and his heart clenched painfully.

“Maybe for some time,” Juha said evasively. “I named my cat Kissa, not very original, I know, but I always called her that at any rate so why think up another name?” Juha placed his fingers atop of Chris’ and joined his lover in stroking the fur. “After the surgery she can’t be around though. Animals carry a lot of germs. But once I’ve…recovered…then maybe…” His voice abandoned him.

Chris hugged Juha tightly. “You’ll recover, do you hear me? We still need to get married!” As intended, his remark pulled Juha away from his gloomy thoughts and the redhead managed a smile. “Much better,” Chris remarked and pressed a kiss onto Juha’s brow. “Just remember that it takes two to get married.”

“I’ll do my best to be there,” Juha said, knowing it was the closest thing to a promise he could make since everything was out of his hands.

TBC

Part 4

So I sit here through the night,
and I write myself to sleep,
and time keeps ticking...

“Just give me a moment alone with Juha,” the surgeon requested. He could tell that Juha felt embarrassed at having to tell everything in Chris’ presence, and his patient’s well-being came first. “My assistant will get you once we’re done in here.”

Chris sighed and then consented. “I’ll be outside,” he said and kissed Juha goodbye. Stepping into the corridor, he started to pace. Mikko had woken them at eight, had made sure Juha took his meds at nine and had then driven to the clinic. Chris wished he had never lost his driver’s license – now they depended on someone taking them there and Mikko had been exhausted. The bass player hadn’t arrived home until six in the morning and had had only two hours of sleep! That was also the reason why Mikko had stayed in the car instead of accompanying – the redhead had wanted to take a nap.

“Anteeksi! I don’t want to intrude, but…”

Surprised at being addressed by a stranger, Chris looked up. The man who had addressed him was already a bit older. Chris reckoned around fifty and he wore high quality clothes – expensive designer items. Short, gray and slightly curly hair framed a handsome face, and the green, feline eyes that looked at him seemed oddly familiar. “I don’t think I know you.” But the eyes – he knew the eyes!

“I’m Niklas Kylmänen and…” He stopped talking at seeing apprehension dawn on the younger man. “I watched you and my son and… I would like to know…what’s happening. Doctor Auvo won’t tell me and I understand that – doctor-patient confidentially of course, but I still want to know what Juha’s doing here…seeing the same doctor who operated on him almost ten years ago.”

Chris needed a moment to deal with the fact that Juha’s father was standing in front of him – the same man who’d put Juha into a clinic because he couldn’t be bothered to look after his son! “And why do you want to know? You never cared. You put him in a fucking home!” He had to be careful not to yell at the older man, as he didn’t want to upset Juha, who might hear him otherwise. “Don’t pretend being interested in him! I know you’re not!” Chris’ hands turned to fists and he would have loved to deal out a punch, but he didn’t.

Niklas grew pale and backed away from the younger man. “And who are you to tell me off?”

“I’m Juha’s lover! We’re going to get married! Not that you’d care!” Chris spat the words in a poisonous voice.

Fire, which burned equally hot in Chris’ eyes, appeared in the older man’s gaze as well. “You’re his boyfriend?”

“You got a problem with that?” Chris readied himself for a cat-fight. He couldn’t help his extreme reaction. This man was responsible for Juha’s fear of being abandoned!

“I don’t.” An expression of defeat appeared on the older man’s face. “Please accept my apologies. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m merely worried.”

Chris managed to calm down too. “You should be! His fucking tumor is back!”

The older man drew in a deep breath and gave his son’s lover a sad look. “I feared as much. Maybe you can tell me what has happened? I’d like to help, if I can…”

Chris shrugged. “If your answer is putting Juha in a home we can do without your help!”

“Please give me a chance…” Since he didn’t know the younger man’s name he gave him a probing look.

“Just call me Chris.”

“Chris, I know it’s hard to believe, but I *do* care. That’s why I waited out here, hoping I would get a chance to talk to you. I don’t want to bother Juha if he’s feeling poorly.” Niklas gave Chris another probing look. “I want to help. I really do.”

“That’s hard to believe, considering the things you did in the past.” Chris exploded again. “How the hell can you put your own son in a home? Was it so much work to look after him? Do you have any idea what being put there did to him?”

Niklas lowered his gaze. “I never talked to him about that. I can only imagine what he must have felt like. I’m sorry that I did that, but at the time I didn’t know what to do. Juha’s mother had passed away only two years before that and then the tumor appeared.”

“Let me give you a hint! Putting him in a home and forgetting about him was the wrong thing to do!” Chris could barely contain his anger and he trembled with emotion. “He expects me to do the same thing now! He things I’ll dump him like you did! Do you have any idea how hard it is to convince him that I’m not like that?”

Niklas flinched. “I know it was the wrong thing to do. I realized that during therapy.”

“That’s fucking great for you, but where does that leave Juha?” Chris asked in an angry voice.

“You’re right.” Niklas considered his next step. It had become clear that Chris was too emotional to carry on this conversation. So, he uncovered his business card and handed it to Chris. “Please take it and call me if you need anything. I know I can’t change the past, but maybe I can make amends.”

Chris wasn’t sure if he should put the card in his pocket. He’d rather have nothing to do with the man, but he was Juha’s father, and no matter how far apart they had drifted, they’d always remain father and son. And maybe Juha would need his father at some point. He accepted the card and pocketed it.

“I’d rather have that you didn’t tell Juha you met me. I don’t want him to grow upset. But I would appreciate it if you called me once in a while to let me know how he’s doing. I worry.” Niklas almost looked embarrassed as he said those last two words. “It’s still hard for me to show any emotions. All my life I was taught to hide them, or even better, not to have them at all. I only learned through therapy that thinking like that is wrong. I hope you’ll give me a chance to right my wrongs.”

“We’ll see what happens.” Chris had no idea what he would do. At the moment Juha was his first priority and everyone else came second.

“If I can help, in whatever way…be it financially or by offering support, please let me know.” Niklas inclined his head in goodbye and then walked down the corridor, not wanting Juha to find him should his son leave the doctor’s office unexpectedly.

Chris remained behind and resumed pacing, thinking over the conversation he’d just had. Juha’s father – who would have thought they would ever meet?

“Hei,” the assistant said and rested a hand on Chris’ shoulder when the other man continued to pace. “Doctor Auvo wants you to come inside again. He’s finished talking to Juha.”

Chris followed the younger man inside and immediately rushed over to Juha’s side. Juha looked tired as well as troubled.

Juha licked his lips and then said, “I told him that you’re in charge in case surgery goes wrong. You overrule my family, should I not survive surgery.”

Chris immediately took Juha’s hands in his. “Don’t think like that. Everything will go well and you’ll recover quickly.” He squeezed Juha’s fingers in order to stress his words.

“I understand that you might not like to think about the possibility of surgery go wrong, but there are always risks involved,” the doctor said. “It’s good though that you two discussed your options.”

Chris found it hard to look away from Juha, but he had to do, as he wanted to talk to the doctor. “What’s going to happen now that he has seizures as well?”

“We discussed all options,” the doctor said and then he gave Juha a nod. “You should tell him what you decided.”

Juha nodded and turned toward Chris. “I will be operated on during Monday morning.”

Chris’ eyes widened. “It’s Friday today.”

Juha nodded again. “It’s better that way. The longer we wait, the more complications can arise.”

Chris swallowed hard. That meant, he had today and the weekend to spend with Juha. On Monday, everything would be decided. Their lives could change for the better or the worse. He hoped for the better. Turning toward the surgeon, he asked, “You mentioned that spouses could stay – the first time we talked.”

Doctor Auvo nodded. “We’ll make an exception in your case. Juha will have to check in on Sunday evening at six. He’ll stay the night and will have to remain sober. He won’t be allowed to eat or drink anything because of the operation. In the morning, we’ll prep him and we’ll start at nine. I estimate that surgery itself will take two to three hours so you’ll be reunited in the afternoon. And you can stay as long as Juha will.”

“How long will he have to stay after he had surgery?” Chris wanted to know.

“Two or three days at a minimum, but it might also be one to two weeks if there are complications.”

“And I can stay that long too?” Chris wanted to know for sure. After the surgeon had nodded, Chris asked, “And what after he had surgery? Chemo?” Next to him, Juha cringed.

“We have several options,” the doctor said. “But before we decide on a method of treatment I’d prefer to wait for the outcome of the surgery. We can make a better informed decision after that.”

Chris realized that had to suffice. “Okay, we’ll decide then.” He turned toward Juha again and saw the sad expression in his lover’s eyes. “Want to go home?”

“I want to savor these last few days with you.” Juha curled his fingers around Chris’. There was something he still had to tell Chris though. “Chris, I…” He looked at the doctor and the older man nodded. “My insurance will only pay for part of the surgery.”

Chris felt numb. “And that means?”

“I don’t have many savings left… We might have to sell the house to pay for it.” Juha bit on his bottom lip. “I doubt a bank will want to borrow me the money, considering I might die.”

“I got some money put away… It’s in Tommi’s care since I don’t trust myself with it. It might cover the surgery.” Chris shook his head though. “We’ll get the money together and we’re not selling the house!” His determination made Juha smile and Chris pulled him into his arms. “Don’t worry about any money, baby, okay? Let me worry instead.”

Juha shifted toward him and leaned his upper body against him. “I couldn’t do this without you.”

Chris hugged him for another minute and then the redhead moved away again so they could get to their feet.

“Juha, I’ll see you on Sunday evening and don’t worry too much. You’re a survivor. You managed before, and you’ll manage again. You’ll defeat this tumor.” As he shook Juha’s hand the doctor gave his patient an encouraging look. “Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding though!”

Juha’s smile became warmer and more genuine. “I’ll send you an invitation.” Feeling shy, he turned toward Chris, who immediately folded an arm around him. As they exited the office, he grew worried again. “I don’t want you to put your last cent into my surgery, Chris.”

Chris stopped in his tracks, put his hands on Juha’s shoulders, and looked him in the eye. “Juha, even if it costs me my last cent, you’ll have this surgery. There’s no alternative, don’t you get that?” Pulling Juha close, he drew in a deep breath. “No matter what it costs, you’ll survive and recover!” Juha rested his head against Chris’ shoulder and he massaged the small of Juha’s back. “Let me worry about things like money. You concentrate on getting better. Do we have a deal?”

Juha rubbed his cheek against Chris’ shoulder. He had learned that Chris wouldn’t accept a ‘no’. The black-haired man was stubborn when Juha’s well-being was concerned! So in the end, all Juha could do, was mumble, “Yes, we do.”

~~~

Mikko stared at Juha in shock. “Sunday evening? But I won’t get back until Monday morning! Damn it!” That meant he couldn’t be there for his friend!

“Mikko, I understand that you need to be with Antti. I’d do the same thing if I were in your shoes,” Juha said, trying to reassure his friend. He hadn’t told Mikko the news in the car, but had waited until they were at home where he only had to tell everything once since Matti had also joined them. “Fly over to Antti and enjoy being with him!”

Matti however was worried too. “And I’ll be away too for most of the time since Tommi is coming home. I hate this!”

Juha smiled reassuringly. “I still have Chris.”

“And Ville will be coming over,” Mikko said, reminding them.

“Ville?” Juha frowned. He didn’t know anything about Ville visiting them. “There’s no reason for him to sacrifice his weekend!”

“Too late… While you were at the hospital Ville called to confirm that he’ll be here first thing in the morning,” Matti supplied.

Juha pouted. “All I want is to spend time with Chris… It might be the last weekend I can and-“

“Stop it, Juha!” This time, Mikko beat Chris to it and stopped Juha from continuing. “You’re going to be fine!”

Matti had collected the mail and placed it on the coffee table, pouring them more coffee and tea for Juha. “Probably just bills.”

Juha reached for the first envelop and opened it. “Yes, electric bill.” He nibbled on his bottom lip. He hadn’t told them about his financial problems yet. Opening the second letter, he started to read and grew extremely pale. “That’s it then. It’s over.”

Juha’s reaction startled everyone and when the redhead put the letter down, Chris was the first to reach for it. Reading it, he grew increasingly angry. “Your boss can’t do this to you! He can’t fire you because you’re ill!”

“He just did.” Juha laughed bitterly. “I’m jobless and soon we’ll be homeless too. There’s no way we can afford living here now that I have no income and can’t pay my part of our mortgage.”

Chris could tell that his lover was about to have an emotional breakdown and he didn’t know what he should do. Comfort him and calm him down or allow for the storm to burn itself out. In the end, he opted for holding Juha when the storm finally happened. He pulled him into an embrace and stroked his back while his lover cried angry tears.

“It’s hopeless and I’m useless. Chris, you shouldn’t have to go through this too. Maybe it’d be best if we ended this now. Maybe we can work something out that you can keep the house and I pay...” The little outburst, along with the weeping, had already exhausted Juha and he couldn’t continue.

Judging it wise to give Juha and Chris some privacy, Mikko and Matti left the living room.

“Forget about it,” Chris whispered into Juha’s ear. “I’m not giving up on you. You’ll never get rid of me.”

Now that he had started to cry, Juha couldn’t stop and he desperately clung to Chris.

~~~

Mikko and Matti exchanged glances. “This sucks,” Mikko said eventually. “I’m flying into Germany and you’re spending the weekend with Tommi and exactly during the one weekend that Juha might need us!”

“I won’t spend the entire weekend with Tommi. I’ll look in on Juha.” Studying Mikko, Matti said, “But that’s not the real problem, is it?”

Mikko sighed and shrugged. “I want to be with Juha! I know what he gets like a few hours before surgery.”

“Why don’t you call Antti and discuss the matter with him?” Matti suggested.

Mikko nodded. “I’ll do that.” He had no other options left at any rate!

~~~

Antti was in the lobby, and just to pass time, he was filming his band mates and other people that passed him by. They still had one hour left to kill before the tour bus would take them to their venue. Antti was going impatient though. He wanted tomorrow to be there already because then Mikko would be in his arms again. He missed his lover.

Suddenly his mobile phone vibrated and he started to giggle. He had slipped it deeply into his pocket and it now caused a very pleasurable vibration in his groin area. He was tempted to let it vibrate, but the thought that it might be Mikko made him answer the call.

“Moi, Antti here!”

“It’s me… Antti, can we talk? Can we discuss something serious?”

Antti was instantly alert and also worried. “Mikko, are you all right?”

“I’m fine… But… Juha’s surgery got rescheduled and he has to go in on Sunday afternoon. I need to be with him. Do you understand that? He’ll panic and… I’m not sure Chris will be able to handle him. Would you hate me if I moved the trip to the next weekend?”

Antti heard Mikko suck in his breath and the trembling tone clued him in on how nervous his lover felt. “Why did they move surgery forward?”

“Juha had a seizure and the surgeon wants to operate as quickly as possible.”

Antti wished he could wrap his arms around Mikko to comfort him. “Of course I’m disappointed that you can’t fly in, but I understand that this is more important and that you want to be there for Juha. Really, I understand. We’ll find another weekend when you can fly in!” Antti’s mind was already working on overdrive though and a certain idea had captured his interest. He would need to talk to Tommi though, and since he couldn’t be sure it would work, he decided against telling Mikko just yet. “I love you still.”

“Antti, I’ll make this up to you, I promise!”

“Mikko, don’t worry about it. I understand! Just make sure Juha gets through surgery and recovers. I’ll call you tomorrow evening, okay?”

“Kiitos, Antti… I hoped you’d understand!”

Antti said goodbye and ended the call. Putting the camera aside for now, he searched the room until he’d located Tommi. Then he got to his feet and made his way over to their manager.

~~~

Juha remained silent and teary-eyed for the rest of the evening. Although Chris would have preferred to put Juha into bed, he allowed for the redhead to make himself comfortable on the couch instead. The television was on, but no one was watching. The cats had made themselves comfortable on the couch and Harmaa had managed to claim Juha’s lap. All the while, Juha stroked the feline absentmindedly and Musta even tried to climb up the back so he could settle high up there. He failed though, glided down and had to settle for Matti patting his head instead of Juha.

Chris sat down next to Juha and pulled him against him. He had given Juha an hour to compose himself, but the redhead remained distressed and he could no longer stand by idly. “Hey, don’t forget about our deal. I worry about things like money, okay?”

Juha released a laugh that sounded bitter. “What money? I no longer have any! What if my medical insurance finds out and the surgery is called off?”

“That won’t happen! I’ve got some reserves. Surgery will happen!”

“But we might have to sell the house.” Juha swallowed hard. “I feel at home here. I don’t want to move.”

Chris prayed for patience. “I doubt that we’ll have to sell the place. Just wait and see what happens. Don’t give in to this doom scenario, all right?” But Juha’s expression was distant and empty when the redhead finally looked at him. “Oh, Juha, you need to fight.”

Juha however wondered why when everything was lost already.

~~~

Chris uncovered the business card Juha’s father had given him and twirled it between his fingers. He had left the living room and Mikko and Matti were now keeping Juha company. Matti would leave shortly though to pick up Tommi from the airport.

Should he ring Juha’s father? The older man had said that he wanted to help and Juha would feel safer if he knew they wouldn’t have to sell the house. But did Niklas have that much money? Maybe he should call Tommi instead. Maybe his manager could give him an advance and then they would be safe too. Chris didn’t think they’d have to sell the house, but he didn’t know how much aftercare would cost and Juha had been right – his insurance didn’t cover everything. Chris had read the terms.

Chris dialed the number on the business card and waited.

“Niklas Kylmänen.”

“It’s me, Chris… You know, Juha’s boyfriend.” Chris wasn’t really sure what to say. He hardly knew the older man!

“How is my son doing?” Niklas sounded worried.

“His doctor wants to operate first thing on Monday. It worries him that Juha had a seizure yesterday.”

“Yes, I remember that happening back then too. On Monday morning, you say?”

Chris heard some scribbling in the background – a pencil moved across some paper. “That’s not the only reason why I called. You offered your help.”

“I still do! What does he need?” Niklas sounded eager.

Chris however wasn’t sure he should continue. He hated asking a stranger for money. He should make sure first that his own funds weren’t satisfactory! Therefore, he phrased his next sentences very carefully. “We might have a money problem. Juha’s medical insurance won’t cover the surgery completely and today he got a letter – he lost his job. He suffered a nervous breakdown and now, he’s depressed. He’s afraid we might have to sell the house.”

Niklas drew in his breath sharply. “If I can help… I will. Just send me the bills you can’t pay and I’ll take care of them. It’s the least I can do!”

Chris frowned. “I didn’t mean it like that. I think I can pay for everything. I got some financial reserves and we shouldn’t get into any problems, but there’s always a chance that things will end up more expensive than I thought.”

“I mean it though. It’s only money – I learned that. In the past, I always thought money was more important than family – and my image…my work, but therapy taught me differently.”

Chris nodded. “That’s good.” He didn’t really know what else to say.

“Please Chris… I know Juha doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, but if you could somehow mediate, I’d be grateful. He’ll always be my son and I want him to know that I love him, even though I couldn’t show it in the past.”

“I’ll see what I can do… I’ll call again on Sunday evening to let you know how Juha’s doing. Is that okay?”

“I’d appreciate that very much. Chris, I… Can I call you too? If something comes up? Or if I want to know how Juha’s doing?”

The older man’s request surprised Chris at first, but then he nodded. “Sure, why not? You’re his father.”

“Thank you and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call!”

With that, Chris ended the call, but he remained thoughtful. At the moment, Juha needed all the support he could get, and his father sounded like he really wanted to make amends and have another shot at building a relationship. That left him in a difficult situation. He didn’t want to lie to Juha or manipulate him, but at the same time, he really thought that father and son talking about what had happened in the past would do them good.

Chris pocketed his mobile phone and returned to Juha’s side. Mikko was making him eat some soup and toast, and by the looks of it, Juha was having a hard time getting it down. That was when he remembered the white chocolate which he had wanted to fetch before Juha’d had that seizure. He went into the kitchen, retrieved it, and sat down next to Juha. “Want some of this instead?”

Juha peeked at the chocolate in Chris’ and sighed appreciatively. “I’d love some.”

Chris managed to convince Juha to eat a bit more soup and some toast and then handed his lover a chunk of the chocolate. Making himself comfortable on the couch, he found he had to compete with Harmaa for Juha’s attention since the redhead was stroking the feline’s fur instead of rather holding hands with him. “Make yourself comfortable too.” If Juha didn’t want to go to bed yet, Chris was going to make sure his lover was comfortable on the couch as well. Juha leaned against him and Chris’ arms wrapped around the redhead.

“I’m really sorry, but I need to get going. Tommi’s plane will touch down in an hour and I should be there to pick him up,” Matti said as he got to his feet. “We’ll check in with you tomorrow though and then again before you leave for the hospital.”

“You don’t need to do that,” Juha mouthed tiredly. “Just enjoy your time with him.” Juha’s gaze traveled from Matti, who was leaving the room, to Mikko. “Shouldn’t you get ready too?”

Mikko shook his head. “I cancelled my trip.”

Juha’s eyes grew big and a startled expression appeared on his face. “Mikko! No! Why did you do that? I know how much you were looking forward to being with Antti again! Call the airport! Maybe you can still get on!”

But Mikko determinedly shook his head. “I’m not leaving! And certainly not during the weekend when you’re having surgery. Forget it, Juha! Friends are there for each other!”

Juha knew better than to fight Mikko over this. His friend wouldn’t be swayed: he had learned that much through the years. “You really shouldn’t have done that, Mikko.”

“But I did and what’s done is done!” Seeing Juha yawn, Mikko used it to his advantage. “Why don’t you go to bed? I’m going to call Antti and then I’ll get some sleep too.”

Knowing it would be best for him to get some sleep, Juha nodded and allowed Chris to pull him to his feet. Extending an arm, he gazed at Mikko, until the other redhead caught on and hugged him. “Mikko, you’re my best friend. Thanks for everything.”

Mikko patted Juha’s back. “Get some sleep.” He gently pushed Juha toward the doorway and exchanged a wink with Chris. Once the two of them were gone, Mikko uncovered his phone and dialed Antti’s number. To his dismay and disappointment, Antti’s phone seemed to be switched off. “Damn,” he cursed softly. He could have done with some whispered endearments. Pushing himself to his feet, he switched off most lights, leaving the one in the corridor on, just in case they had to leave for the hospital in a hurry. He was about to climb the stairs when the doorbell rang. Wait a moment? The doorbell? At this late hour? It was midnight!

Feeling suspicious of their late night visitor, Mikko tried to look through the spy hole, but as it was dark outside, he didn’t see a thing. It looked like he didn’t have a choice but open the door.

Once the door was unlocked, the door was pushed wide open and someone stormed inside. Mikko cursed himself for his carelessness and prepared to fight off his attacker, when he suddenly had a handful of dreads pressed against his face. His eyes widened in shock as he stared into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Antti?”

“Surprise,” Antti called out and grinned. “Did you miss me?” Not waiting for Mikko to answer him, he buried his lover in a tight hug and kissed him.

TBC

Part 5

You say, "Son, let's forget the past,
I want another chance, gonna make it last."
You're begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that's been blown apart,
but you know... you never built it dad.

“What’s that noise?” Sleepy, Juha lifted his head from the pillow and looked questioningly at Chris, who was standing near the doorway.

“I was asking myself that too.” Chris frowned, pushed the door ajar and looked at the hallway from the landing. A huge smile settled on his face, seeing Antti and Mikko hug. “I should have known,” he whispered, making sure the two men downstairs didn’t hear him. He returned to the bedroom and slipped between the covers. Seeing Juha’s big, puzzled eyes, he said, “Antti’s here. He probably harassed Tommi until he got him on a flight home so he could be with Mikko.”

Juha smiled. “That’s nice. Mikko deserves that. He’s been there for me since this started.” He made himself comfortable in Chris’ arms and Musta hissed at him for moving about. “That one has a nasty attitude,” Juha commented. Either Musta or Harmaa were constantly close. “I don’t envy Tommi for having to look after him.”

Chris merely grinned. He liked the fact that the felines were always close. Their presence seemed to sooth his lover. “Want to catch some sleep?” He had debated bringing Juha’s father up, but had then decided against it. Juha’d had enough excitement for one day and should be allowed some rest now.

“As long as you’ll hold me.” Juha snuggled up to Chris. He tried hard not to think of the risks involving surgery, but failed. Those depressing thoughts always returned.

Chris noticed his lover growing tense again. Softly, he started to sing a Finnish lullaby in the hope that it would help Juha go to sleep.

“I like your voice,” Juha murmured. His eyes were already closing and a minute later, he had fallen asleep.

Chris remained awake though – thinking over everything that had happened. Should he try to reunite father and son before surgery? What if surgery went wrong and Juha and his father would never get a chance to make their peace? No, surgery wouldn’t go wrong! But what if it did? Chris sighed, feeling depressed. In the end, he closed his eyes and hoped the morning would bring him some answers.

~~~

“Oh, it’s a full!” Pleased, Antti sat down on the bed and tested the mattress. “I hope you’re ready for some long and hot loving!” He had noticed Mikko’s depressed expression though and doubted the bed would see action that weekend. That was okay though – he was here to offer Mikko his support in whatever form his boyfriend needed it.

“Antti, I’m-“

“You’re tired. I see it in your eyes. It’s okay. We’ll have hot and sweaty sex when you feel more rested.” He pulled Mikko onto his lap. He guided Mikko’s brow against his and studied his lover’s eyes. They possessed a worried expression. “Everything will be okay.”

“I keep telling myself that too, but what if something goes wrong? Antti, Juha and I… We’re best friends! I don’t want him to die!” Tears which Mikko had kept inside for the last few days finally left his eyes and slid down his cheeks. “He survived back then! He has to survive now too!”

“He will.” Antti let himself fall onto his back and pulled Mikko with him. He brought his arms up behind his boyfriend’s back and held him close. He knew that flying in had been the right thing to do. Mikko needed him! “You look tired.”

“I worked late last night so I would have the weekend off.” Mikko moved closer to Antti and shut his eyes. “I don’t think I can stay awake much longer.”

“Then go to sleep,” Antti whispered and caressed Mikko’s face. “But you won’t sleep comfortably in those clothes.” He eased Mikko into the pillows and quickly did away with the other man’s shoes, socks, jeans and shirt. Antti then removed his clothes as well and snuggled back up to Mikko. Antti, who was still very much awake after his trip, failed to go to sleep, but Mikko dozed off almost instantly.

~~~

Tommi still wasn’t sure if flying back home had been the right thing to do. Although Negative didn’t have any gigs that weekend he still worried they might get themselves into trouble – Jonne and Jack that was. The two of them found it increasingly difficult not to make a peep show out of the gig. The audience wouldn’t mind them getting at it, but Tommi had the feeling the press and the record company would.

He collected his suitcase from the conveyor belt and then went into the arrivals hall where hopefully Matti would be waiting for him. Looking about, he searched his surroundings and didn’t expect to be hugged from behind. Looking over his shoulder, he stared right into Matti’s grinning face. “Ah, there you are.” Still feeling shy and somewhat awkward when being so close to Matti, he blushed. They shared a quick kiss and then Matti guided him to the car.

“Things must be mad with Juha being ill,” he said, as he sat down on the passenger’s seat next to Matti.

‘They are! And I must warn you. I’ve hardly been at your apartment so it might be a bit messy.” Matti started the engine and headed for the city center. “How are things on tour?”

“Jonne and Jack are one step short of making out on stage. It’s a good thing there are no gigs this weekend.” Tommi glanced at Matti. “In spite of the things going on with Juha, you look well.”

“That’s hardly surprising. Mikko keeps us running on time smoothly. Breakfast is at nine, lunch at one and dinner at six. Juha needs the routine and I must admit I like having my day organized like that. I can’t drink either since I need to be able to drive them to the hospital in case Juha’s condition worsens.”

A comfortable silence settled between them during which they occasionally glanced at each other and smiled. When Matti parked the car and they headed for Tommi’s apartment, Tommi took Matti’s hand in his and rubbed the back with his thumb. “I’m glad to see you again.” He unlocked the door and they went inside.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Matti said, feeling shy as well. They had shared some kisses, but that was about it. Both of them were still too shy to take the next step. Cuddling however was fine for both of them and they ended up on the couch, nibbling on some late night snacks and watching a rerun of the hockey match Tommi had missed out on earlier that day.

~~~

“Where do you think you’re going?” Antti wrapped an arm around Mikko’s waist and pulled his boyfriend back into the bed. “Stay where you are and keep me warm.”

Mikko chuckled. “I need to make some breakfast. It’s almost nine and Juha needs to eat something before he can take his meds.”

Antti opened his right eye and gazed thoughtfully at Mikko. “And Chris can’t get him something to eat?”

“I’d rather have Chris stay close to Juha in case another seizure happens. Do you understand that?”

Antti nodded reluctantly. “I don’t want to get up yet though!”

“Then stay here and I’ll bring you breakfast in bed!”

No matter how tempted Antti was, he shook his head. “I’m not letting you go yet. I’m coming along.” He pushed himself to his feet and looked down. “I might have to put on some clothes though.”

Mikko chuckled again. “My shirts should fit you. I moved some of them here once I realized that I was going to spend a lot of time here.”

Antti opened the closet and blinked. “These aren’t yours though!”