Mental Circus -- Sequel and end to Wise Men Cry
Title: Mental Circus
Sequel and end to Wise Men Cry
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Main pairing: Tommi L / Matthau
Minor pairings: Sir Christus (Negative) /Juha (Reflexion)
Antti (Negative) / Mikko (Reflexion)
Jack (Private Line) / Jonne (Negative)
Ville (Flinch) / Lauri (Negative)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Tommi reflects on what has happened. There’s news from Matthi and Christus gets the best tidings of his life.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!
Warning: Real Person Slash.
Betaed by DA. All remaining mistakes are mine.



Mental Circus

Tampere, September 23rd 2007

Hei Matti,

It’s me again. Yes, I know that you don’t respond to my letters, and yes, I’ll keep sending them!

Why?

Because I feel the need to stay in touch with you even if you don’t. I must admit that I’m curious as to whether you read them or not. I always leave them with the receptionist at the clinic and…some part of me hopes that you *do* read them!

So what has happened this week? Not much has changed since last week and the week before that. Well, that’s not true. The overall change to my life has been huge.

In a way, I’m grateful that you knocked me out. It brought me and my brothers much closer together. Instead of ending up in front of the TV and eating pizza, they alternate in inviting me over for dinner. Jonne is the better cook though, but don’t tell Ville that. There’s no reason to hurt his feelings.

Oh, and Chris has asked me to say hello too. He has tried calling you a few times, but apparently you don’t want to talk to him. He takes it in stride though and doesn’t make a fuss over it.

Chris has been rather… preoccupied I think is the right word. Apparently Juha had a brain tumor once and he had to go in for his annual check-up. Since Juha’s migraines have returned, Chris was worried that it meant the brain tumor was also back, but the scans showed that there’s nothing wrong with Juha. Chris threw a big party after that, but he was sad that you couldn’t be there.

He has changed, you know. At times, I hardly recognize Chris. He has become more focused...more satisfied with life now that he has Juha. And Juha loves him back. The two of them are very happy.

So what else is new? Ville is a student now and has bought a carload of books and with Lauri’s support, he passed his first tests. I’m very proud of both of them. Not only are they staying sober, but they’re also making something out of their lives!

Jonne’s also doing better. Seeing that therapist is finally paying off. His nightmares have grown less and he looks much healthier these days now that he gets enough sleep. He has also developed quite a tummy, but don’t tell him that. I suspect he would start dieting and that’s something I don’t want to happen. He has always been a bit too skinny for my taste.

That’s about it about my family. We’re doing well. And after I’ve finished this letter, I’ll head over to Jonne’s place to have dinner. He also invited Chris and Juha over, so it will be the five of us.

I wish you’d answer my letters so I’d know how you’re doing. At the clinic, they won’t give me any information since I’m not family. And Chris…I think Chris is afraid to ask, in case you’re doing worse.

Matti, I told you before…I don’t hold it against you. If you want to contact me, please do. I’d be glad if you’d start writing back! And when you’re allowed to leave the clinic, please let me know. I’ll pick you up and drive you home. I’m really hoping you’ll give me a chance to talk to you. There are some things I really want to tell you, but I can’t do that on paper. I want to do it face to face.

Okay, I’ll let you go now. I’m still hoping you’ve been reading my letters. I’ll continue to write no matter what. I know that I’ve been writing them for two months now and there’s been no response from you yet, but I keep hoping… Hope always dies last!

So take good care of yourself, Matthau! And I wish you the best! Don’t give up and fight!

Tommi

Matthau folded the letter, pressed the paper close to his heart, and closed his eyes. Bowing his head, he drew in a few deep breaths to steady himself.

“Are you all right?” one of the nurses asked.

Matthau nodded. “I’m fine… Really, I’m good.” He opened his eyes and smiled at her. “I’ll be in my room. I need a moment to...think.” She nodded and Matthau went into his room and sat down on the bed, thinking about everything Tommi had written.

During the last two months his life had changed dramatically. He hadn’t been thinking straight when he had committed himself and only with the help of several therapists had he managed to sort out his life. He was still taking small steps towards recovery, but he *was* getting there.

Tommi’s letters had been a huge help. When one of the nurses had brought him the first letter, he had been afraid to open it. It had stayed on the nightstand for a week before he found the courage to read it.

Tommi had forgiven him. That had been the first thing that had registered with him after reading it. Matthau hadn’t believed however that he deserved such leniency and had refused to believe Tommi could be that forgiving. It had taken several sessions with his therapist to make him accept Tommi’s forgiveness.

Unfolding the paper, he read the letter a second time. It meant a lot to him that Tommi kept him informed about the outside world. In the last two months, he had gotten to know Tommi, Jonne, Ville, and even Juha intimately through Tommi’s letters. He had been worried when Tommi had told him about Juha’s former brain tumor and he had almost picked up the phone to call Chris and offer him his support, but he had stopped himself at the very last moment. Chris already had enough on his mind worrying about Juha and Matthau didn’t want Chris to have to divide his attention between Juha and Matthau. At the moment, Juha had come first.

But now that the results of the scans were in and Juha had been declared healthy, Matthau wondered once more if he should call Chris. The problem however was that he had no idea what to say to his brother. He knew he had to apologize to Chris – and Tommi of course – but he wasn’t sure he was ready to take that step yet.

“Ah, there you are! The nurse told me you’d wanted some privacy.” Doctor Santavuori entered the room and sat down on the only chair in the room. “Has something happened? Do you want to talk?”

Matthau shrugged. He’d had lengthy conversations with his therapist and they had helped so why shouldn’t he confide in the older man now as well? “I got another letter from Tommi.”

The therapist nodded. They had talked a lot about Tommi already. ”What did he write about this time?”

“He told me about Chris and that Juha’s tumor hadn’t returned.”

The therapist nodded again. “That’s good news, isn’t it?”

Matthau shrugged. “I guess…” He still found it hard to express his feelings or talk about the things that worried him. “Tommi, he…”

“Yes?” The therapist moved his chair a little closer.

“Tommi says he wants to talk to me.”

“And that strikes you as odd?” The therapist studied Matthau and added, “It’s only normal that he wants to discuss what happened.”

“Maybe…” Matthau muttered, still finding it hard to admit that he felt scared to meet Tommi face to face. That fear had also kept him from answering Tommi’s letters.

The therapist carefully considered his next words. “What will you do when you are released tomorrow?”

Matthau avoided eye contact. “You know that I think it’s too early to let me out. I’m a danger to-”

“You’re not. Not any longer. You learned ways to control your anger and we worked on your other problems as well. Sure, you’ll always crave alcohol, but there’s nothing more we can teach you here. It’s time you go back home and cope with reality. Yes, I still want you to come in three times a week for therapy, but...you can’t hide in here, Matthau.”

Matthau knew that. He just wasn’t sure he could deal with life though. “What if I run into Tommi? Or Chris? I don’t want...I’m...” He was scared to face the things he had done in the past.

“You’ll have to face them. And trust me, by doing so you’ll move on with your life. Remember the things we taught you here. If you feel the need to do so, ask them for forgiveness, but don’t run away from these feelings.”

Matthau nodded, but he still felt ill at ease. He was too damn afraid that the first time something went wrong, he would turn to alcohol once more.

~~~

“I’ve got a headache,” Chris whispered and looked helplessly at Juha. “Why did I drink that much?” The other night’s party had really gotten out of hand and he blamed Antti for that. Why had the bass player brought four bottles of Jägermeister along? And why had Antti not drunk that much himself instead of letting Mikko and Chris empty the bottles instead? “You were smart,” he added in a whisper. “You only had two shots!”

Juha grinned knowingly. “I know better than to compete with Mikko where drinking is concerned. He might not look like it, but he *can* hold his liquor if he has a decent meal before he starts drinking!” Moving closer to Chris, he offered his lover a glass of water with some aspirin which he had dissolved. “Drink this, it’ll help.”

“Kiitos, I’d be so lost without you!” Chris slowly emptied the glass and then snuggled up to the redhead. “I’ve had enough parties for now. I need some days off drinking.” Everything had started three days ago when Chris had thrown a big party for Juha when he had been given a clean bill of health. They hadn’t stopped partying since then due to there being some national holidays going on, allowing Juha to stay at home with Chris.

“Yes, getting some rest would be a good idea.” Juha tucked Chris’ head beneath his chin and grinned. “I had no idea you’d be so relieved to find out about my test results that you would party the night away.”

“Hey, I was relieved! I still am!” Chris raised his head and glared at Juha. “You have no idea how worried I was!”

“It’s okay. I understand.” Juha immediately soothed him. He had been worried too, although not to the extent Chris had been. “You were really scared to lose me,” he whispered.

Chris nodded. “I still am, but…it makes me even more determined to savor each minute we spend together.” And if he hadn’t had the headache from hell, he would make even better use of their time and make love to the redhead. But in his current state, he just couldn’t get it up. Feeling melancholy, he asked, “You’ll stay with me forever, won’t you?”

Juha kissed Chris on the lips and smiled. “Of course, I will. We belong together.”

~~~

“I’m getting fat,” Jonne remarked and frowned as he rubbed his abdomen.

Jack and Tommi quickly exchanged alarmed looks and it was Japa who responded the fastest. “Ei, you’re not!”

Tommi glanced gratefully at Jack. He liked seeing that tummy on Jonne. It was time to distract his brother. “So what exactly was the reason Chris and Juha couldn’t join us?”

“Chris is hung over...too much partying.” Jonne was still frowning, but had stopped rubbing his abdomen. “I’ve never seen him so happy before as when he found out about Juha’s test results.”

“Not surprising,” Jack said while sipping from his wine. “He’s madly in love with Juha…” Gazing meaningfully at Jonne, he added, “I’d lose it too if you…” He didn’t dare finish the sentence. “That’s better left unsaid.”

Tommi nodded. “I agree…”

Jonne looked at his brother and asked, “Did you hear from Matti yet?” He knew about the letters Tommi continued to write Matthau.

“Nothing yet, but I’m not giving up. I left another one for him at the reception desk. I’m still hoping he’ll get in touch with me.” Tommi frowned. “I think it’s really important we talk about what happened.”

“If not for him then for you.” Jonne took Tommi’s hand in his. Tommi had stayed with them for a week after the incident. It had taken Tommi that long to get back on his feet and even now he still suffered from headaches when there was too much stress involved. He had even accompanied Tommi to see a doctor and the physician had assured them that it was nothing to worry about. It just took time for the injury to heal. That concussion had been really nasty.

Jonne squeezed Tommi’s fingers. “You look tired. Do you want to stay here for the night?” Tommi had slept in the guestroom regularly the last two months, especially after Jonne had realized Tommi felt less lonely when someone was around.

“I might do that…” It was Saturday the next day at any rate and he was off from work. He yawned and quickly apologized.

“Hey, that’s okay.” Jack yawned as well. “It’s the wine...makes one drowsy.”

Tommi appreciated the way the two of them made him feel welcome and, even more important, at home. He had missed that.

~~~

“Did you consider calling your brother? I’d feel reassured knowing you aren’t out there on your own when you return home,” Doctor Santavuori said. It was his last session with Matthau that evening. The next day would see Matthau leaving the clinic.

Matthau sat opposite his therapist as he stared at the floor. The thought had crossed his mind as well, but… “I don’t know what to say to him.”

“What would be a normal thing to say? What do you need to tell him? What does he need to know?”

“That I’m being released tomorrow…” Matthau looked at his therapist for a reaction. After he had nodded, Matthau added, “And I need to apologize for the way I got him involved after I knocked out Tommi.”

“Anything else?”

Matthau shrugged. “I don’t want to bring up my alcohol addiction. That’s something *I* need to deal with.”

But the therapist shook his head. “Don’t deny your brother the opportunity to support you. If he wants to be there for you, let him, regardless of how hard it is for you to accept his help. You don’t have to do this alone, Matthau. Didn’t we teach you that?”

They had *tried* to teach him that. One of the things Matthau struggled with however was his unwillingness to accept help. He still believed he had to do this on his own and it was hard to change that line of thought in two months. Glancing insecurely at the older man, he asked, “Do you really want me to call Chris?”

“I think it’d be best for you. It’d mean setting another step on the road to recovery. I can stay if you want and help should you fail to find the right words. You don’t have to do this on your own.” The therapist pointed at the phone on his desk. “Do you remember your brother’s phone number?”

Matthau nodded and drew in a deep breath. “Do I really have to do this? And must it be now?” His therapist nodded and handed him the phone. Matthau hesitated to take hold of it though. “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“He has tried calling you before. He *is* interested in your well-being, even if you might find that hard to believe. Give him a call.”

Matthau’s hand trembled as he dialed Chris’ number. He wasn’t sure his brother would answer the call. He wasn’t using his mobile phone and Chris tended to ignore calls from strangers. One part of him hoped that Chris would ignore this call too, but another part really hoped Chris would answer it.

“Moi!”

Matthau sucked in his breath. It was his brother’s voice. Uncertain, he looked toward his therapist for guidance. His doctor smiled encouragingly. “Hei Chris…” His voice trembled and he almost panicked. What if Chris terminated the call once he realized it was him?

“Matti? Is that really you?”

“Yeah, it’s me… Is that okay? Or should I go away?”

“Ei! Stay and talk to me! I’ve been hoping you’d call me! You have no idea how worried I’ve been!”

“I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me.” Matthau bit his bottom lip.

“Matti! Of course I want to talk to you! I mean… So many things happened since…”

“Since I knocked out Tommi.” Matthau stared at the floor, feeling ashamed and awkward. “Thanks for looking after him. I was really worried about him.”

“Of course I looked after him! Why wouldn’t I? How did you know I *did* look after him?”

Matthau found himself saying things he hadn’t wanted to reveal yet. “Tommi’s been writing me letters. He’s kept me informed.”

“What do you mean...informed?”

Oh, this was definitely going all wrong. He had just wanted to tell Chris that he would be released the following day and maybe ask for some company, but now… His therapist gave him an expectant look and Matthau had no choice but to continue. “Tommi told me that your home’s ready and...about...Juha’s...test results. I hope you don’t mind about that… If it’s private...I’m happy though that everything turned out all right.”

Chris sounded surprised for a bit. “Ei, it’s okay! Matti, you’re my brother! Can I visit you? I’d really like to talk to you in person instead of over the phone.”

Matthau grew shy. “They’re releasing me tomorrow. They think I’m ready to leave the clinic. I don’t think so, but they’re throwing me out anyway.” He glanced apologetically at his therapist, but the other man merely smiled at him in understanding.

“You’re getting out? Tomorrow? Why didn’t you phone me earlier?” Chris sounded excited. “Do you want me to pick you up? I can ask Juha to drive, if that’s okay? When will you be released? I mean, how late, so I know when we have to be there and-”

“Chris, slow down.” Matthau smiled. “It’s only a thirty minute drive out here! That’s about it.” At that point, he was glad he had decided to make the call. Chris’ concern and his eagerness to pick him up the next day warmed him from the inside. “You’ll take me home then?”

“Sure, Juha and I’ll be there, but… Would you...would you like to have dinner with us? Or lunch… Shit, I don’t know what time to pick you up yet.”

Matti grinned and was surprised that Chris would be nervous about the next day too. “If you could pick me up around four, that would be perfect.” Matthau caught his therapist’s pleased smile and returned it. He was happy as well that the call had worked out. “And I’d love to meet Juha. He seems to be a very interesting person.”

“You’ll like him!”

And even if he didn’t like Juha, for Chris’ sake Matthau would try to get along with his brother’s lover. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Juha and I’ll be there!”

“See? That went well, didn’t it?” The therapist smiled encouragingly at Matthau.

“It went better than I thought,” Matthau admitted.

“Are you also going to call Tommi?” the doctor wanted to know.

Matthau stared at the phone in his hands and then shook his head. “Not yet. I want to talk to Chris first. I need to take this one step at a time. Do you understand?”

The therapist nodded. “You’re the only person who knows what steps to take and when to take them.” It pleased him that Matthau was thinking about taking small steps. “And remember, whenever you feel the need to talk, call us. You’ve got the clinic’s number. No matter what the time, there’ll always be someone to advise you.”

Knowing that there was always someone to talk to was exactly what Matthau needed to hear. Maybe, now that he had learned to control his temper and deal with his addiction, he might be able to cope on his own.

~~~

“Good night, Tommi. Sleep tight.” Jonne relished giving Tommi one last hug before his older brother disappeared into the bedroom. Although he had been terribly upset when Matthau had knocked Tommi unconsciousness, he was in a way grateful that it had happened. Tommi and he had grown a lot closer since the incident had happened. “You’ll have breakfast with Jack and I before you leave again tomorrow, won’t you?”

Tommi nodded and playfully ruffled Jonne’s hair. “Of course I will. Don’t worry, I won’t vanish on you.” He pressed a kiss to Jonne’s brow. “Now go. Jack’s probably already waiting for you.” He turned Jonne around and then walked into the guestroom, where someone was waiting for him too.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” The black kitten had made himself comfortable on the bed. Tommi *had* noticed that Musta tended to desert Jonne’s side whenever he was staying the night. The first few times he had tried returning the kitten to Jonne, but during the night Musta would return to his bed and curl up next to him. In the end, Jonne and Tommi had decided to let the kitten be.

Tommi removed his clothes and pulled a T-shirt from the closet. He had a selection of clothes there now because he was staying over often. Dressed in his oversized T-shirt, he crawled between the covers. Musta meowed and Tommi patted the kitten. Maybe he should get himself a pet too.

Turning onto his side, Tommi switched on the radio and turned the volume lower, but not *too* low. He slept better when there was some noise about and this station always played songs from the eighties – his favorite music era.

His fingers caressed the feline’s fur and, even though he had closed his eyes, he wasn’t asleep yet. His thoughts had drifted off to Matthau and, like so many nights before, he send a prayer to whatever god might be listening that Matthau would recover.

In the end, he dozed off, but still with thoughts of Matthau on his mind.

~~~

When Matthau went to bed that night, it was with the eerie knowledge that he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed the following night. He would be in his own bed, his own apartment, and back in his old environment.

The stay at the clinic hadn’t been as bad as he had feared. The staff had done their best to support him and, while he had kept his distance with the other patients, they had gotten along. He was a private person and didn’t feel comfortable sharing much of his personal life with the other addicts.

Pushing a hand beneath the pillow, he pulled it close, and tried to imagine what the next day would be like. He would have some final words with the members of the staff and then he would pack his belongings. It would be around four by then and he would go to the waiting area to wait for Chris and Juha. He hoped he would make a good first impression on his brother’s boyfriend since he wanted Juha to like him. He knew that getting along with Juha would make Chris happy.

Sighing, he closed his eyes and pictured everything again in his mind: how he would greet Chris and meet with Juha for the first time. It was hard to believe that it was going to happen, but the following day at this time, he would be at home asleep in his bed. That thought filled him with joy, but at the same time with dread. What if he couldn’t deal with being alone? What if the thoughts in his mind drove him insane again? In the past, he had been able to chat with Tommi, but that was no longer an option. He was determined to avoid talking to Tommi at all cost. There was simply no way that he would ever forgive himself for what he had done.

~~~

Juha nodded. “I’ll drive us to the clinic where we’ll pick up Matthi. I want to meet him too.” He snuggled up to Chris and rested his head against his lover’s shoulder. He had been surprised, but also relieved to learn that Matthau had finally gotten in touch with Chris. He knew how much his lover cared about Matthau and was happy that Chris had finally gotten his chance to talk to Matthau again. “The guestroom is ready, so if he wants to stay-”

“Matthau’s a very private person though. I don’t know how he’d react if we suggested he stayed.” Chris worried that something he said or did might turn Matthau’s mood around and then they would start fighting again. “I love my brother, but we don’t get along that well.”

“Maybe that will change now that he’s sober?” Juha rested his chin on Chris’ chest and looked him in the eye.

Chris considered this. “That might be possible. In the past, one of us always used to be on drugs. We seldom were clean at the same time.”

Juha slid his fingers into Chris’ hair. He had wanted to make love with Chris that night, but had quickly realized that the other man wasn’t in the mood for it, so he settled for cuddling instead. “I don’t get along with my brother either.”

“Are you ever going to introduce me to him? Or your father for that matter?”

Juha shrugged. “Jarmo’s always on the move. He doesn’t stay in the same place for long and my father lives in Oulu.”

“I’d like to meet him though one day…”

Juha nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. We’ve been out of touch for a year now.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’s…difficult at times. For example, he would never call me to arrange for a visit. I have to call him and set things up. He’d never take the initiative. He thinks I should do that. I’m the son and I have to make an effort to make things work. I did that for years after my mother died, but in the end, I got tired of always being the one having to initiate contact.”

“That’s stupid!” Chris frowned. “Why won’t he call you? Why do you have to call him all the time?”

“That’s his way of thinking. You can’t change that. He’s too old and set in his ways.” Juha rested his head against Chris’ shoulder again. He smiled and his fingertips glided along Chris’ chest. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I might not say it often enough, but I love you.”

A lump of emotions formed in Chris’ throat. “Same goes for me. I’d be lost without you. I love you so much it hurts at times.” He wasn’t exaggerating. Pressing a kiss onto his lover’s hair, he held Juha tight and savored having him close.

TBC

Part 2
Anguish


Matthau was extremely nervous and started to pace in the waiting area of the clinic. It was situated next to the reception area, which meant that he had officially left the treatment area. He was a free man once more! It felt strange in a way, knowing that he was in charge of his life again. For the last two months, the staff at the clinic had told him when to eat, sleep, or go to a therapy session, but now he had to organize his life all over again. He hoped Chris would help him do that.

He was worried about meeting his older brother though. Chris had sounded very friendly and relaxed when they had talked on the phone the other day, but he also knew how quickly moods changed...especially between the two of them.

He walked over to a chair that was under a window and sat down. He picked up his bag and put it on his lap. What was taking Chris so long? Had his brother reconsidered? Chris would have called him at the very least to let him know…or would he? Matthau was about to make his way over to the reception desk to ask if there were any messages when the door opened and a familiar face appeared.

Feeling shy, Matthau rose from his chair and walked toward his brother. “Hei,” he said and searched Chris’ face for clues on how his brother was doing. “Thanks for picking me up!” He was about to add something more when Chris suddenly pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly. He grew tense for a moment, but then relaxed and returned the embrace. “Are you glad to see me by any chance?” he asked jokingly.

“Very, very glad.” Chris hugged Matthau even closer and rubbed his brother’s back. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been...especially when you didn’t return my calls.” Chris closed his eyes momentarily and savored the moment. He had made many mistakes where his brother was concerned, but he was determined not to add more to them. With Juha’s help, he was going to be the brother Matthau deserved.

Matthau’s eyes had closed as well and he drew in a deep, steadying breath. It felt so damn right to be hugging Chris. “I wasn’t ready to talk to you. I needed time to sort things out.” Chris pulled away from him, so Matthau opened his eyes again and looked at him. Wow, Chris had changed since the last time he had seen him and definitely for the better! His eyes were clear and alive with passion and the smile was genuinely warm. Had he ever seen his brother so much at peace before? Maybe when they’d been little, but certainly not recently. “You look well!”

Chris smiled and nodded. “I’m doing really well!” he confirmed. “And I have my boyfriend to thank for that. Matthau, this is Juha.”

Matthau’s gaze shifted from Chris to the redhead standing next to his brother. He knew Juha through the music scene, but they had never met in person before. The first thing he noticed was his eyes. They were, in a way, spectacular. They carried a special sort of fire and Matthau realized that it was the love for Chris he saw reflected in them. These two were very happy and very much in love. “I’m Matthau,” he introduced himself while shaking Juha’s hand.

“I’m Juha.” Juha cocked his head. “Wow, I can definitely see the family resemblance.”

Matthau grinned. “Except for the fact that Chris is so damn short!”

“I’m not too short!” Chris pouted or at least he tried. It was too good to see Matthau again though. “Are you ready to leave this place? I’d love to show you our house and if you want, I’ll even make dinner before dropping you off at your apartment. If you want to go there, that is. You’re also welcome to stay with us. We just finished decorating the guestroom and I-”

“You’re rambling, Chris.” Juha poked his lover in the side. “Take a deep breath instead.” He smiled apologetically at Matthau. “Chris is nervous.”

“Juha!” This time, Chris poked Juha in his side.

“It’s okay,” Matthau said, strangely touched by the welcome they were giving him. “I’m nervous too.”

Chris smiled shyly and hooked his arm with Matthau’s. “Shall we leave this place?”

Matthau was about to pick up the bag he’d dropped when he realized that Juha was already carrying it. “I can take that.”

“That’s okay.” Juha smiled at Matthau. “Come on, let’s leave this place.”

The three of them went outside. Matthau expected Chris to call for a taxi, but then realized that Juha was driving. He couldn’t help himself and remarked, “Ah, at least someone managed to hold on to his driver’s license.” A moment later, he regretted saying it, afraid that Chris might take it the wrong way.

Chris just grinned though. “It’s nice to have your own personal driver and I can drink all I want. Juha isn’t much of a drinker to begin with.” Chris wanted to bite his tongue. He hadn’t wanted to bring up alcohol problems in any way. He glanced at Matthau to see if his brother would take his remark personally.

Matthau glanced quickly at Juha when the redhead sat down in the driver’s seat. “That’s a good thing, you know.” He was relieved that Chris had hooked up with someone who didn’t drink excessively. Juha also didn’t strike him as someone who would quickly turn to other drugs. Such a stable person was just what Chris needed in his life and in a way, was also the kind of person Matthau would have loved to have in his.

Matthau sat down in the back before Chris could offer him the seat next to Juha and made himself comfortable there. “So you bought a house?” he asked in an attempt to get away from discussing his habits further.

“Yes, we did.” Chris sat down and put on the seat belt after receiving one of Juha’s looks. In the past, he often hadn’t bothered doing so, but he knew Juha would find a way to make him pay for not putting it on in that subtle, devilish way of his!

“My bed was too big for his bedroom so Chris decided we had to move!” Juha started the car. “We finished it a couple of months ago. Actually Chris did.” Juha glanced at Chris, smitten. “He finished up the guestroom so I didn’t have to do it after work.”

Matthau was impressed. Chris had changed a great deal and he was curious to find out more about his brother.

~~~

Tommi munched on the cereal that he was having for breakfast. Jack was also having breakfast, but Jonne was still asleep. “Did you wear him down last night?” He thought he had heard ‘certain’ sounds coming from their bedroom.

Jack had the grace to blush. “Hey, I’m happy that our sex life is that good!”

“At least you have a sex life!” Tommi unintentionally mumbled.

Jack looked at Tommi. “Why don’t you have one by the way? I mean, you should have plenty of choice, what with being Negative’s manager. I’m sure lots of girls are attracted to the idea of spending time with you.”

“But I’m not interested in one-night-stands with groupies.” Tommi reached for the pot of coffee and patted Musta when the kitten pressed himself against his calf.

Jack nibbled on his lip. He’d had a certain suspicion, but wasn’t sure he should actually speak. In the end, he asked, “Tommi, you *are* interested in girls, aren’t you?” Tommi blushed, but that didn’t really tell Jack that much.

“I don’t have many chances to get to know…anyone,” Tommi replied diplomatically as he lifted Musta and placed him on his lap, where the kitten settled down while purring before closing his eyes.

Jack bit his bottom lip. “Tommi, I don’t want to pry or...I can’t help but wonder...Jonne and Ville like men. Do you like men too? It would only be logical.”

Jonne had been about to enter the kitchen, but remained standing in the corridor and listened. Until that very moment, it had never crossed his mind that Tommi might like men too and he was convinced that Tommi would tell Jack that he liked girls instead.

Tommi coughed, trying to cover up his embarrassment. “And what if I do?”

Jonne’s eyes became as big as saucers. Tommi liked men? No way!

Jack nodded once. “I should have known!”

“But I had no idea!” Jonne appeared in the doorway and stared at Tommi. “Why didn’t you tell me? We’re brothers!”

Tommi grew flustered and looked away quickly. “It never came up and there was no reason why you had to know.”

“Tommi, we’re brothers for crying out loud! There was no reason for you to stay in the closet so long!” Jonne poked Tommi in the chest. “So that’s why you were never interested when I offered to hook you up with girls! You should have said something, you idiot!”

Tommi shrugged. “Jonne, I’m not looking for one-night-stands with girls or with men. I want...something more...something...better. Like you have with Jack and Ville with Lauri, but I also know that you can’t force love.”

Jonne cringed. That sounded bitter in a way and lonely. He had never realized Tommi felt *so* lonely. He sat on his heels next to Tommi and pulled the older man into his arms. “You should have told me.”

Tommi managed a smile. “You know now.”

“Yes, but still.” Jonne pouted. “Does Ville know?”

Tommi shook his head. “No need to be jealous. I didn’t tell him either.” He knew his brothers only too well.

Jonne nodded. “If he doesn’t know either then…” Then it wasn’t so bad and he now knew first! A grin surfaced on Jonne’s face. “I want to tell him!” But Jack stopped him.

“Don’t you think that Tommi should decide that? It’s something rather private,” Jack suggested.

Jonne glanced guiltily at Tommi. “I suppose so. Anteeksi, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Tommi nodded. “It’s all right, Jonne.” He picked up Musta and moved to hand the kitten to his younger brother when the feline hissed loudly, protesting. “Okay, you can stay.” He quickly placed the kitten back onto his lap, where he started to knead Tommi’s abdomen with his feet. “I don’t have any milk for you,” Tommi said and smiled.

“But I have and it’s time for him to be fed!” Jonne got to his feet again and turned toward the refrigerator, needing a moment to think about the things Tommi had told him.

~~~

Matthau had expected many things, but not a perfectly decorated house. Chris’ apartment had always been chaotic, but this place was organized and he reckoned that was Juha’s doing. “It looks great.”

“Kiitos!” Juha said, confirming Matthau’s suspicion that it had been the redhead who had done most of the work.

“The living room is comfortable and…” He gasped as they showed him the basement. “You’ve got your very own recording studio?” It was nothing fancy, but it served its purposes.

“It’s supposed to be Juha’s since he writes a lot,” Chris explained. “I don’t write much myself, you know that.”

Impressed, Matthau whistled as he checked the equipment. “This must have cost a fortune!”

“Not really,” Juha replied. “I got a lot of it second-hand from work.” Juha exchanged a pleased look with Chris and then addressed Matthau again. “If you want to make use of it, you’re always welcome.”

Matthau nodded absentmindedly. That was a very kind offer.

“Chris, why don’t you show your brother the rest of the house while I fix dinner? I don’t know about you two, but I’m hungry.” Juha smiled at them. “Just make sure you’re in the kitchen in twenty minutes. Dinner should be ready then!” He turned and left the studio.

Matthau sighed. “Juha seems like a great catch, if you don’t mind me saying.”

“I don’t!” Chris walked over to one of his guitars and sat down. He rested the instrument on his knee and started to play. “He changed my life.” Somehow it was easier to talk to Matthau without having to look at him and feeling the familiar strings beneath his fingertips also helped. “I never knew I could love anyone so much.” He looked apologetically at Matthau. “You’re my brother and I love you of course, but Juha…” He sighed again.

Sitting down close to Chris, Matthau watched his brother’s fingers move across the strings. “He keeps you on the straight and narrow, doesn’t he? Look at you. You look…healthy! You’ve got your own place and Juha obviously loves you.”

Chris nodded. There wasn’t much he could add to that. “I love him unconditionally.” He moistened his lips and then peeked at his brother. “I’m glad you’re doing okay too. When I got that message saying that Tommi’d had an accident, I was really worried.”

Matthau drew in a deep breath. “I don’t blame you. I’ve got a foul temper and Tommi… I lost it. He was just trying to help. I know that, but I didn’t know how to deal with his…presence…and I lashed out.” Matthau’s fingers caressed the neck of another Flying Finn. “At the clinic they taught me ways to control my temper. I can’t say I’ll never lash out like that again, but I’ve learned to think before I’d act.”

Chris nodded. “Tommi’s doing okay too. It took him a week though to recover. He had a nasty lump on the back of his head.”

“He fell backwards in his chair and hit the floor. That really was an accident.” Matthau grew uncomfortable. “I can never make up for what I did. He didn’t deserve that.”

“How did the two of you get in touch? I never knew you were friends.” Chris was really curious about that.

“We met by chance. There’s this site for addicts and their families where you can exchange advice. Tommi turned up there one night. I didn’t know at the time that he was talking about Ville when he mentioned his brother was having problems. We started talking, and no, I didn’t know it was Jonne’s brother. There are a lot of Tommis around and it could have been a nickname too.”

Chris put the guitar aside and finally made full eye contact with his brother. “Are you going to talk to Tommi about what happened? I know he’d really want that.”

Frowning, Matthau averted his gaze again. “I don’t think I should. I don’t want to cause any more problems. I’d like to keep a low profile and am hoping to avoid him.”

Chris shook his head and rested his hand on Matthau’s shoulder. His brother looked at him questioningly and he said, “Trust me, running away never works. I ran away from my fears for years and now that I’ve faced them, I feel much stronger.”

“But you had Juha to help you,” Matthau pointed out. “I don’t have anyone like that.”

“That’s not true!” Chris pulled his brother in for a hug. “You have me. And you have Juha’s support too. And if you’d want it, I know for certain that Tommi would back you up too.”

Matthau closed his eyes and savored the moment of closeness, never sure how long it’d last. “But what if I put my trust in them and they fail me? Chris, I love you too. You’re my brother, but…” He swallowed nervously. “We always fight. We scream, get mad at each other, and then one of his ends up drunk again.”

“That’s in the past,” Chris declared determinedly. “I’ve changed and so have you. We’ll make it work this time around. Trust me.” He soothingly rubbed Matthau’s back. “I want you to remain sober, Matti.”

“I want that too… It’s been five months now…”

“It’s a start.” Chris squeezed Matthau again. “And you’ll pull through, do you hear me?”

Matthau began to feel shy and quickly changed their subject. “Why don’t you show me the rest of the house? I’m curious.”

“Sure, I’ll do just that.” Chris got to his feet and pulled Matthau along with him. “I’ll give you the grand tour.” He would save the guestroom for last, hoping that once they got there, Matthau would feel so comfortable that he would consider spending the night there.

~~~

Matthau felt conflicted. Chris and Juha really made him feel welcome, but a small part of him still insisted that he didn’t deserve their kindness and that he should say goodbye to them and go home. Another part of him was urging him to accept the invitation to stay the night, since he really didn’t want to be alone at his apartment. During dinner, he really waged war with himself, trying to figure out what would be the best thing for him.

Juha hadn’t gone overboard making dinner, for which Matthau was grateful. Everything tasted just fine though – the steak, the tossed salad, the baked potatoes. It was almost too perfect. In a way, Matthau felt jealous of Chris for having someone like Juha in his life.

“Is the steak not to your taste?” Juha asked when Matthau stopped eating.

“It’s fine,” Matthau replied quickly, not wanting Juha to worry. “It’s just…this is fucking amazing.” He didn’t know if speaking his mind was the best thing to do, but he had to say it. “The last time Chris and I talked, we were screaming and trying to take each other’s heads off and now…we’re actually able to have dinner and talk civilly.”

Chris blushed. “I misbehaved back then. It was the drugs mostly.”

Juha’s fingers wrapped around Chris’ and squeezed soothingly. Matthau smiled at that. What a difference having someone like Juha made! “So, are you completely away from drugs these days?”

Chris shrugged. “I still drink the occasional beer and some days ago, we partied. Antti brought some hard stuff and I got drunk, but…” Chris frowned and looked at his brother. “The reason why I drink these days is different. I don’t drink because I can’t cope with reality. When we were waiting for Juha’s test results, the mere thought of getting drunk made me sick because then I wouldn’t have been able to support Juha. I wanted to be there for him.”

“He doesn’t drink that much,” Juha agreed. “When we first met, he used to drink a lot more.”

Chris nodded. “Juha can last an entire evening on one beer. At first, I downed one after the other, but…somehow I stopped doing that. Maybe it’s because Juha hardly drinks.”

“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” Matthau said. “At least one of us found a way to deal with his problems.”

“You did that too,” Juha responded. “They wouldn’t have released you otherwise, would they?”

“I don’t know. Life at the clinic was sheltered and organized. Now I’m on my own again. Who knows what will happen when I lose it again?”

Juha exchanged a look with Chris. They had discussed this briefly, but not in depth. “If you want to, you can stay with us for some time. Until you feel you can make it on your own.”

Matthau smiled at Juha. “I appreciate that. I really do, but I can’t. I was hiding at the clinic and then I’d be hiding here. I’ve got to face my problems.”

Juha nodded. “No matter what the offer stands.”

Matthau nodded again. “That means a lot to me, but I can’t accept.”

“Not even for tonight?” Chris wasn’t giving up yet. If Matthau was determined to return to his apartment that night, Juha and he would take him there, but he hoped his brother would stay the night.

Matthau considered his options and realized that he would prefer having some company that night. He really didn’t want to be all alone at his apartment. The last two months he had constantly been around people, staff and patients, and the silence in his apartment might drive him mad. It would also be nice to get to know Juha better and to deepen the connection with Chris. It seemed that they had both changed and matured, so they might be able to get along for a change. “I’ll stay tonight.”

“That’s great!” Juha declared.

The smile the redhead gave him almost blinded him and he had to shake off the effect Juha was having on him. Looking at Chris, he found his brother grinning as well. Apparently his decision had made them very happy.

“I’ll ready the guestroom after dinner,” Juha proclaimed proudly. “It’s great that we can put it to use already!”

Matthau shook his head in amusement. He wondered what he had gotten himself into with Juha for a ‘brother-in-law’.

~~~

“Chris?” Juha wrapped his arms around his lover from behind. While Matthau had settled down with a cup of coffee in the living room, Chris had offered to put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Juha, in the meantime, had readied the guestroom for Matthau’s stay.

Chris frowned. Something in Juha’s voice alarmed him and he turned around. He hadn’t been wrong. Juha was squinting his eyes half-shut.

“I feel a headache coming on. I’ll take the meds they gave me for my check up, and then I’ll lie down for a few minutes. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” Chris kissed Juha’s brow. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just take care of Matti, will you? I’ll join the two of you once the headache goes away again. I’m sorry that I have to desert you, but-” Chris placed a finger against his lips and stopped Juha from talking.

“Lie down and rest. Take all the time you need. I’ll look after Matthau and once he goes to bed, I’ll join you too. You already did a lot for us today.” He hugged Juha close. “I’ll look in on you, okay?” He had to know for sure that Juha’s condition wouldn’t grow worse.

“You do that… Love you,” Juha whispered into Chris’ ear before turning and leaving the kitchen.

After switching the dishwasher on, Chris went into the living room and sat down opposite his brother. Matthau looked content and calm, which encouraged Chris. “I like having you around,” he remarked. “It’s nice being able to talk instead of scream at each other.”

Matthau nodded. “I like that too.” Things had mellowed between them. “Where’s Juha?” He’d expected the redhead to join them.

“He’s got a headache and is lying down.” Although the scan results had been good, he still worried. “I don’t like it that he’s having these headaches more frequently.” Well, maybe he was exaggerating since this was only the second time, but still.

“Maybe it’s the weather changes. I heard the weather can be an influence.”

Chris nodded. “Well, at least he had enough sense to take a break and get off his feet. So what are we going to do now?” Yes, they could talk civilly, but that didn’t mean they could talk the night away. Chris was still worried that he might do or say something wrong.

Matthau shrugged. “Watch a movie? Go downstairs and play your guitars? I’m fine with whatever you decide to do.”

Actually, Chris liked the idea of making music. They could express themselves without the use of words. “Come on, let’s do that.”

Matthau picked up his coffee and carried the mug with him as they made their way into the cellar.

“Just pick one,” Chris instructed as he pointed at his guitar collection. He selected his pink lady and then sat down, tuning it before he started to play some melody.

Matthau picked up Chris’ Britain guitar and sat down next to him. “What do you want to play?”

“Let’s improvise a bit.” They had done that in the good old days before the drugs had taken over. One of them would play some tune and the other would continue it, improvising further. It didn’t take them long to get back into the vibe and that surprised both of them. Smiling at each other, they realized some good things had survived the past after all.

~~~

/Thankfully it’s Saturday,/ Tommi thought. Since they weren’t touring, he had the weekends off, like most people. That meant he didn’t have to force himself to leave his bed and could stay there as long as he wanted. There was no one waiting for him to show up at any rate.

He put his overnight bag on the floor in the corridor and then went into the living room, where he collapsed onto his couch. He would have loved to spend more time with Jonne, but he didn’t want to overdo it. Jack and Jonne needed some time alone too.

Tommi pushed himself to his feet and made his way over to his desk. He switched the computer on, hoping against all odds that there would be a message from Matti, either on MSN or as email. But, as expected, there was nothing and Tommi sighed in disappointment. Why was he still trying to get in touch with Matthau when it was obvious that the younger man was no longer interested in talking to him? Maybe it was time to let go.

But he had enjoyed those evenings chatting with Matthau, even when they had often discussed serious matters. He had liked the fact that he had been able to help Matthau stay sober. Their chatting had stopped Matthau from going back to drinking on several occasions.

Leaving the computer up and running, Tommi returned to the couch and removed his shoes. It was back to watching sports and ordering pizza then. He was about to pick up his phone and order something to eat when a strange noise from the corridor drew his attention. Instantly alarmed, Tommi’s eyes widened. It couldn’t be a burglar! The lights in his apartment were on! No burglar was so stupid as to break in when the owner was at home and obviously still awake! He had to check it out though and reached for a hockey stick, which he had kept as a memoir from his sport’s career. It also served as the perfect weapon to knock out any potential burglars.

Tommi pressed himself against the wall and then drew in a deep breath. It probably was nothing. His bag had most likely tumbled over and that was the sound he’d heard. Peeking around the corridor, he saw no burglar, but his bag was moving!

Wide-eyed and curious, he approached his bag and poked it with the hockey stick. The response was instantaneous and a pitiful meowing sounded from inside the bag. “What?” Sitting on his heels, he unzipped his bag and a black feline jumped from it. “Musta! What are you doing here?”

The kitten purred, wrapped itself around Tommi’s legs, and then headed for the living room. After looking about, the kitten jumped onto the couch and started to wash, giving Tommi a look that said, ‘What are you waiting for? Close the door, there’s a draft coming in.’

Tommi blinked and shook his head. “I have to call Jonne.” His brother was probably already panicking and imagining the worst because Musta had disappeared!

~~~

“Hum? What? Musta? No idea… Oh, yes, Japa, that’s…” Jonne purred. “Musta’s probably on the bed in the guestroom. You’ve got a fan, Tommi.”

Tommi sighed. “Jonne, Musta’s here with me.”

“He is? Why did you take him with you? If you want a cat, get your own.”

“I didn’t take him with me, Jonne. He had hidden in my bag. I’ll return him sometime tomorrow, okay?”

Jonne purred. “Sure, that’s fine with me. Keep him as long as you want… I’m busy anyway. Bye Tommi.”

Tommi shook his head and sighed. “Jonne,” he whispered in frustration. He picked the kitten up and patted Musta. “Jonne doesn’t seem to care much that you snuck out.” The feline’s eyes stared into his and Tommi had the feeling the kitten knew exactly how Jonne had reacted. “Do you want to move in with me? Is that it?” The kitten *had* taken a liking to him!

Tommi carried Musta with him to the couch, sat down, and the kitten cuddled up to him, once more massaging his abdomen with his paws. Tommi smiled and patted him. It was nice to have company. Maybe he would keep Musta...especially since Jonne had accepted Musta’s defection so easily.

~~~

Jack had only heard bits and pieces of the phone call and leaned in closer. Pressing his lips just above Jonne’s ear, he whispered, “What was that about?”

“Musta’s with Tommi. Hey, don’t stop rubbing me!” Jonne chuckled into the pillow. Jack straddled his lower back and those hands that had been massaging until a moment ago stopped and now rested against his shoulders.

“Why’s the kitten with Tommi?” Jack frowned as he realized that it had been a while since he had seen Musta.

“Apparently Musta had jumped into Tommi’s overnight bag and my brother didn’t notice the extra weight, so he took him home. Come on, Jack, that massage felt great!”

Jack resumed the massage, but was still frowning. “Why do I hear a chuckle in there?” Jonne wasn’t telling him everything that much was obvious.

“Musta had a little help getting into Tommi’s bag. “ Jonne looked impishly at Jack from over his shoulder. “You must have noticed the way the kitten favors Tommi’s company over ours whenever my dear brother is around.”

Jack nodded. He *had* noticed. “Does that mean you put Musta into Tommi’s overnight bag?”

“He was trying to get in. I just...helped him.” Jonne rested his head on the pillow again. “Now keep going. I’m expecting another rub later, but on other parts.”

Jack chuckled and shook his head. “You’re amazing.” He kissed Jonne’s shoulder and started to massage in earnest, loving his lover for realizing that Tommi would love Musta’s company. They would just drop off all of the cat’s stuff later at Tommi’s place.

TBC

Part 3
I’ll Be There



“Hey, are you feeling better?” Chris pulled Juha toward him. The redhead still looked tired, but was no longer wincing. Pulling Juha onto his lap, Chris wrapped his arms around him.

“Yes, I’m okay…” Juha turned his head and smiled shyly at Matthau. It was a rather compromising situation he was in. He was only wearing one of Chris’ oversized T-shirts since he had forgotten to slip into some sleeping pants and was straddling Chris. “So what did the two of you do?” He hoped Matthau was fine with them displaying their affection so openly for there was no way he could hide it.

Matthau found it odd to see them like that, but didn’t have any problems with it. He was much too thrilled that Chris had found someone who loved him unconditionally. “We played some songs, improvised a bit.”

“We were downstairs in the studio,” Chris added.

“Ah, that’s why I didn’t hear anything.” Juha snuggled close to Chris and rested his head against his lover’s shoulder. He shivered with the cold though and moved to stand again to fetch the throw from the couch Matthau was sitting on when the other man handed it to him. “Kiitos,” Juha said and tucked the material around his form. “The guestroom is ready, in case you’re feeling tired. I put some towels onto the bed and some other things you might need.”

“It’s a very nice of you to take me in like this,” Matthau responded to them. “I thought I was ready to go home, but the mere thought of being there alone makes me uneasy.”

“You can stay here as long as you want,” Chris repeated the offer Juha had made earlier that evening. “We would love to have you...honestly,” he added at Matthau’s skeptical look.

“I’ll think about it,” Matthau said as he rose from the couch. “I hope you don’t mind, but it has been a long and exciting day for me. I think I’m going to try to get some sleep.” It was only midnight, but that was late for him these days. At the clinic he had gone to bed at ten.

“Sure, no problem. Feel at home. And should you need anything...you know where the kitchen is. It’s Sunday tomorrow, so Juha and I’ll probably sleep late. If you’re up early, feel free to move about the place.” Had Juha not been occupying his lap, Chris would have gotten up to walk Matthau to his room, but he didn’t want to make Juha move.

“I’ll keep that in mind…” Matthau smiled gratefully at Chris and then left the living room.

Chris’ gaze shifted from Matthau to Juha and grinned as he found his lover asleep once more. He wasn’t sure he would be able to carry Juha upstairs and tuck him into bed, but he would try.

~~~

Matthau pushed down the covers and slipped into bed. He decided to leave the lamp on the nightstand on just in case he woke during the night and felt disorientated. That had happened the first few nights at the clinic and he didn’t want to wake or startle Chris and Juha. Turning onto his left, his gaze searched the room, which had a warm and welcoming atmosphere. He could tell that someone had picked the colors with care. They were warm pastels and even now that it was dark with only the electric light on, the room looked comfortable.

An alarm clock stood on the nightstand and Matthau reached for it. He switched on the radio and turned it to a station that mostly played songs from the eighties. He swallowed hard as he remembered that Tommi liked to listen to the same station. The older man had told him about the station and Matthau had often listened to it at home while chatting with Tommi.

It was weird, but he really missed their conversations. They had become a part of his life back then and had been the only thing to look forward to during those long, dark days. He reminded himself firmly that Tommi was doing well. The older man didn’t need him to complicate his life once more. It was best if he kept his distance.

He perked up when he heard some heavy footfalls in the corridor. He had noticed that Juha had fallen asleep again before he had left the living room and deduced that Chris was carrying the redhead. A smile appeared Matthau’s face as he recalled the look of affection in their eyes whenever they had made eye contact. If only he could find a love like that!

Closing his eyes, he drew in several deep breaths and tried to let go of the thoughts that worried him just like they had taught him at the clinic. He fell asleep ten minutes later feeling tired, but content.

~~~

“But...I don’t understand. When I left my last letter with you, Matthau was still a patient here.” Tommi had driven to the clinic first thing in the morning to deliver another letter he had written, but the receptionist had told him that Matthau had left the facility. Shocked, he stared at the woman. “When did he leave?”

“Yesterday,” she replied and checked her papers. “Yesterday, at four in the afternoon. I was working at the time and I remember two men picking him up. One dark-haired and the other was a redhead.”

/Juha and Chris,/ Tommi thought. He sighed and pocketed his letter again. “Thank you for the information. I’ll be leaving then.” She returned to her work and he turned around, feeling defeated. So this was is it then. Matthau really didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He had offered to pick Matthau up, but the younger man had turned to Chris instead.

Walking towards the exit, he tore the letter and trashed it. There was no use in holding onto hope anymore.

~~~

Tommi picked Musta up and was happy someone was at home waiting for him. “Hey, you must be hungry.” He really had to go buy cat food. Jack and Jonne had dropped some off the other night, but he needed to stock up. “I wonder why Jonne gave up so easily on you.” Tommi sat down on his couch and played with the kitten.

His thoughts drifted off to Matthau though and he sighed. He had to stop thinking about the younger man. Matthau didn’t want anything to do with him any longer and he had to accept that!

With the kitten resting in his arms, Tommi walked over to his desk and switched off the computer after seeing that there were no messages from Matthau. There wouldn’t be any, not now or in the future. He realized that now.

~~~

Matthau cursed as he checked the time. It was only seven in the morning and he was too awake to go back to sleep again. At the clinic, they had woken him at seven every morning and apparently he had adopted that rhythm. He refused to leave his bed though and nestled deeper into the mattress. The house was still peaceful and he reckoned that Juha and Chris were still asleep.

At eight, he could no longer to stay in bed. He was bored and needed to go to the bathroom at any rate. It was really convenient that the guestroom had an attached bathroom. He relieved himself, washed his hands and face, and then returned to the bedroom, wondering what to do. There was a nice collection of books on a shelf near the window, but he lacked the calm and concentration for reading. In the end, he slipped into the black morning robe Juha had left draped across a chair and ventured into the corridor. Tiptoeing so he wouldn’t wake them, he made his way into the living room. There, he stood undecided for a few minutes when he caught sight of the computer tucked away in a corner of the room.

Just seeing it reminded him of his chats with Tommi and, although he tried to deny his longing, he really wanted to talk to the older man again. He was just too much of a coward to make the first step.

“You’re looking at that computer like you’re expecting it to come alive and eat you,” Juha remarked.

Matthau turned around, not having noticed Juha entering the living room. “You’re up early.”

“I always get up early…but I might join Chris in bed again in a bit… It’s Sunday after all. Do you want an early breakfast?” Juha was wrapped up in a fleece blanket as he eyed Matthau closely. “Or would you rather talk?”

Matthau shrugged. He didn’t know Juha that well. Should he confide in someone who was practically a stranger to him?

“You definitely need to talk!” Juha recognized the look on Matthau’s face. There was no doubt whatsoever that Chris and Matthau were brothers. “Come on, sit down and try to figure out how you’re going to tell me. I’ll make some tea in the meantime.”

Matthau cringed. “Bah tea…”

“Want coffee instead? Ah, you might as well come along into the kitchen and get what you want to drink!”

Matthau followed Juha into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Juha looked at him from over his shoulder and he said, “Nothing hot, please.”

“Orange juice?” Juha suggested. Matthau nodded and Juha filled a glass then placed it in front of the younger man. After making tea, he poured some into a mug and sat down next to his guest. “What’s on your mind? Trust me, I’m a good listener. You can ask Chris if you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t need to. Chris trusts you, so that means I can do the same thing.” Matthau sipped and then tried to find the right words. “It’s Tommi,” he said eventually. “I miss him.”

“I don’t know anything about your relationship with Tommi. I only know that you knocked him out and that Chris had to pick him up.” Juha blew onto the tea’s surface to cool it.

“We talked on the net. You know...chatted on MSN. He kept me distracted almost every evening and stopped me from getting drunk. And I paid him back by knocking him out.” Disgusted with his past actions, Matthau’s face darkened. “I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“And now you can’t face Tommi. Is that it?” Juha studied Matthau from over the rim of his mug.

Matthau nodded. “You nailed it. I’m afraid to face him.”

“Why are you afraid? What do you think will happen? Do you think Tommi is still angry with you?”

Matthau shook his head. “He wrote letters while I was at the clinic. He told me that he’s forgiven me and that he wants to continue to support me.”

“But that’s great!” Juha frowned. “So why are you afraid to face him?”

“He might have forgiven me for what I did, but I can’t forgive myself for hitting him. I’d die of shame if I were to meet him.”

Juha gazed compassionately at Matthau. “This is Tampere, Matti. You’re bound to run into him one day.”

“You’re right. Maybe I should move to another city!”

Juha shook his head. “Running away doesn’t solve anything.”

“I know that too, but…” Matthau distracted himself with another gulp.

Juha considered everything he’d heard. “Why don’t you start off with small steps? It worked for Chris. It might work for you too.”

“What do you mean?” Matthau looked questioningly at Juha.

“Write to him. You can use the computer of course. Leave him a message…an email or something. Give Tommi a chance, Matti, even if you’re scared to do so. If Chris hadn’t given me a chance back then…”

“Hey, it was the other way around.” Their talking had woken Chris, who had followed it to the kitchen. Sliding onto the chair next to Juha, he took the redhead’s hand in his and squeezed. “If Juha hadn’t given me a chance back then...I don’t know what would have happened. I approached him the wrong way and it would have been easy for him to shove me aside, but he didn’t. Juha found a way to get through to me. He showed me that love is real. I know that should I ever fall, he’s there to catch me and it seems to me that Tommi has been doing the same thing for you. If he cares about you and, from what you’ve told me, he does, then give him a chance, Matti. You might never again get such a chance. Life is short. We both know that.”

Matthau remained undecided, but he also realized that they had made a valid point. “I’ll think about the things you said.”

Juha nodded. “I’ll switch the computer on and log in, so you can send Tommi a message if you want to.” He knew he had to stop pressuring the younger man to contact Tommi since it had to be solely Matthau’s choice or else it would backfire.

~~~

Thirty minutes later, Juha and Chris had returned to bed and Matthau found himself sitting in front of the computer. He had logged in on MSN and realized that Tommi was offline. He hadn’t been sure what he’d expected to happen. Maybe he had hoped Tommi would be online and contact him, but since Tommi wasn’t there, Matthau felt insecure. Should he follow up on Juha’s advice and send Tommi a message? He sighed and continued to stare at the screen.

Eventually, he started typing:

Hei Tommi,

I’m sorry that I didn’t get in touch with you sooner. I really want to talk to you, but...I’m a coward and am afraid to contact you. In your letters you told me that you have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself for lashing out at you. I’m not sure I ever will. You didn’t deserve that.

I was released yesterday. I know you offered to pick me up, but I called Chris instead for the same reason as I mentioned before. I’m scared to face you. Juha made it very clear that running away isn’t an option anymore.

In case you still want to meet with me and talk, just give me a call or send me a message in turn.

Wishing you the best,

Matti

He included his phone number and then sent the message. Now he had to wait and hope Tommi would reply.

~~~

Tommi had decided to put his time to good use and was cleaning his apartment. It had been some time since he had last cleaned and Musta had a great time trying to sneak up on the vacuum cleaner before attacking it. The kitten’s antics brought a smile to Tommi’s face and he encouraged the feline to attack again.

Two hours later, he collapsed onto the couch and looked about, feeling pleased. The apartment looked inviting again and all the trash had been cleaned away. Tommi had put the kitten’s sleeping basket in the bedroom, but Musta had decided he liked the bed better. Tommi hadn’t removed him from the bed though, knowing that the feline would view it as his own now. Cats were stubborn like that, but Tommi didn’t mind.

Cuddling the kitten, Tommi felt grateful that Jonne hadn’t fought him over Musta. The feline’s youthful enthusiasm was just what he needed to get him going again.

~~~

Late in the afternoon after Juha and Chris had appeared downstairs again, Matthau checked his mail, hoping that Tommi had answered him. But Tommi was still offline and there was nothing in his inbox.

“Nothing yet?” Juha watched Matthau understandingly. Hearing back from Tommi was taking too long for Matthau. It showed how much the younger man really wanted to talk to Tommi. Matthau shook his head and sighed and Juha patted his shoulder reassuringly. “He’ll get in touch with you. You only sent him that message a few hours ago. Maybe he isn’t home. It’s Sunday, after all.”

Matthau sighed again. He sat down on the couch where he could keep an eye on the computer screen.

Juha and Chris exchanged a look and smiled at each other. Both felt it was a good sign that Matthau wanted to talk to Tommi so badly.

~~~

Tommi woke around eight that evening. After his cleaning frenzy, he had lain down wrapped up in his favorite fleece blanket and had slept through the day. Rubbing his eyes, he yawned, kicked the blanket toward his feet and looked about. Everything was still spotless and Musta was cuddled against him. The kitten looked up in reproach as he started to move. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep in the first place,” he whispered admonishingly. “We need to get up, little one.”

Musta meowed loudly, but then relented and got to his feet before stretching his little body and following Tommi into the kitchen. The kitten wrapped itself around Tommi’s legs and waited for the human to feed him. Once food was placed onto the floor, he deserted Tommi and began eating.

Tommi made some soup and took a bowl into the living room where he settled down in front of the television. His gaze drifted off to his computer and he considered switching it on, but then dismissed the thought. He didn’t need to work that evening and Matthau no longer wanted to talk to him, so there was no reason to go online.

He flipped through the channels and found a hockey game that he eventually settled on. Musta returned to his side and purred contentedly as he settled on his human’s lap again. Tommi took to petting the kitten and uncapped his bottle of beer. Concentrating on the game, he tried to forget how hurt he felt.

~~~

“There’s still no reply. And he isn’t on MSN either.” Matthau had grown increasingly restless during the day and had reached a point where he was biting his fingernails in frustration. “I can’t take this much longer!”

Chris sat down next to his brother and frowned deeply. “Then why don’t you call him? Don’t you have his phone number?”

Matthau shook his head. “I have his email address and I know how to reach him on MSN, but I don’t remember his phone number.”

“Good thing then that I’ve got it.” Chris uncovered his mobile phone and accessed Tommi’s number. “Here, give him a call.”

Matthau took it, but looked undecided. “Are you sure? Maybe I should wait for him to come online. I don’t want to overwhelm or pressure him into anything.”

“He sent you letters while you were at the clinic. He told you he wanted to support you. Matti, you’re the one who’s distancing himself, not Tommi! Tommi will probably jump at the opportunity to meet you!”

Chris was right. Matthau knew that, but making contact so directly scared him. “But what if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”

Realizing that they weren’t getting anywhere, Chris took back his phone and dialed Tommi’s number, much to his brother’s horror. “Shut up and let me do this!” Matthau couldn’t help himself and started biting his fingernails again, to Chris’ annoyance. Swatting his brother’s hand, he snapped, “Don’t do that!” He’d wanted to add something when Tommi finally answered the call.

“Tommi Liimatainen,” came over the line and sounded distracted.

“Hei! It’s me, Chris!” Chris caught the startled, almost scared look on his brother’s face and quickly curled his fingers around Matthau’s wrist to make sure that he couldn’t leave. “How are you doing?”

“I’m watching a game. I’m fine. Why are you calling me, Chris? What kind of trouble are you in? What did you do this time?”

“Nothing! I’ve been good! Ask Juha if you don’t believe me!” Chris felt offended. He had really been behaving lately so why did Tommi assume he had gotten himself into trouble? “I’ve changed, in case you haven’t noticed!”

Tommi sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that. But I really can’t think of a different reason why you’d call.”

“How about Matthau?” Chris looked at his brother and noticed that Matthau was holding his breath. He looked tense and ready to flee the room. It was a good thing that he had such a tight hold on his brother’s wrist.

Tommi sucked in his breath. “I heard he’s with you these days.”

Chris exchanged a look with his brother which hopefully told Matthau to stay put. “I picked him up from the clinic yesterday and he’s been staying with Juha and me since he doesn’t want to go back to his apartment.” The glare he received from Matthau was displeased since he had divulged that information, but he didn’t care. If Matthau wasn’t going to take the first step, then he would!

“I can imagine. He doesn’t like being there on his own. Chris, is he alright?”

“He can tell you how he’s doing himself!” Chris pressed the phone to Matthau’s hand and ordered, “Talk to him! He’s worried!”

Matthau wasn’t sure that he would be able to talk or even say anything! Shaken that Tommi was on the other end of the line, Matthau stared at Chris in shock.

“Hey, Chris, are you still there?”

Matthau drew in a deep breath as Chris squeezed his fingers to encourage him. The little gesture helped him answer Tommi. “It’s me… Matti.”

There was a pause and slight gasp before Tommi replied. “Hei Matti, I didn’t expect to hear from you.”

Matthau had felt guilty to begin with and it grew worse. “I’m sorry, Tommi, but I couldn’t...I was scared...” He bit his bottom lip hard. “I hit you...I...that’s...” Failing to find the right words, he grew quiet again.

Tommi was practically whispering when he responded, “I forgave you for that. I understand that things got out of hand.”

“I’m really sorry about that, Tommi. That should never have happened! All that time, you looked after me and I repay you by hitting you!” Matthau’s hand holding the phone started to tremble and his voice shook as well.

“Matti, that’s forgiven and forgotten. You have no idea how relieved I am that you gave me a call. I was really worried when they told me that you had left this morning. I was dropping off another letter, you see.”

Matthau’s feelings of guilt increased. “I should have let you know. You didn’t deserve to find out that way. Your letters meant a lot to me! They were my only contact to the outside world for those two months.”

“You read them?” Tommi sounded thrilled

“I did and I...I learned a lot from them. Thanks for keeping me informed.” Chris suddenly elbowed him in his side and he glared at his brother. What the hell had made Chris do that?

“Invite him over, you idiot!” Chris shook his head. Sometimes his brother was so dense! “Tell him to get into his car and drive here!”

Matthau wasn’t sure however. “Do you think that’s okay?”

“Of course it is!” Chris sighed in exasperation.

Matthau closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath, and then blurted out, “Would you like to come over and talk?” His eyes opened widely. Wow, he had really said that!

Tommi sounded equally surprised. “I’d love too. Just give me a few minutes to unpack Musta’s toys to occupy him.”

“Musta? Who’s that?” Matthau was intrigued.

“My new pet. Jonne’s kitten. Apparently Musta’s taken a liking to me and he climbed into my overnight bag while I was staying with Jonne.”

“Ah, Ville’s cats!” Matthau nodded as he recalled that Tommi had mentioned the kittens in one of his letters.

“Exactly. I’ll make sure he doesn’t wreck my furniture during my absence and then I’ll join you. I should be there in thirty minutes.”

“We’ll have coffee ready!” Chris called out, knowing Tommi would want some.

“Sounds great! I’ll see you shortly!” Tommi ended the conversation and studied Musta. “Well, who’d have thought that Matthau would call? I really didn’t expect to hear from him. And you, you’re going to be a good little kitten.” He picked Musta up and carried him into the bedroom. “Here are your toys,” he said and showed the kitten where to find them. “And there’s your sleeping basket, but you’ll end up on the bed anyway.” He checked if the door to the bathroom where the cat’s litter box was situated was ajar and then patted Musta one last time. “I’ll be back soon.”

Musta watched his human leave and then jumped onto the bed to wash.

~~~

“Hey, is there still some space left for me?” Mikko had been working late and had gotten home at six in the morning. He had found Antti fast asleep in the bed and was trying to snuggle up to the other redhead.

Antti grumbled in his sleep, but then relented. “You’re cold,” he whispered and shivered. He loved Mikko dearly, but his boyfriend was bringing a chill to their bed.

“Then warm me up!” Mikko grinned and pressed as close to Antti as possible. During the last two months they had decided to stop all pretence and work on building a relationship which would hopefully last. Their friends knew that they were together and both Mikko and Antti were very happy to have each other. It was a bliss Mikko hadn’t expected to find after Leena had thrown him out. In retrospect however, he realized that Antti was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

“Come here you. I can’t let you freeze to death! It should be spring now, but it still feels like winter.” Antti wrapped his arms around Mikko and shivered as he felt the cold that emanated from his boyfriend’s body. “You’re late.”

“Jussi threw a party after closing time just for his staff. You were right, you know. He really is a good guy.” Mikko didn’t regret working there yet. The pay and working conditions were excellent. The only drawback to working such late hours was not seeing Antti as often as he would have liked. “I’m off tomorrow.”

Antti grinned and nuzzled Mikko’s throat. “That’s just perfect.”

Mikko returned the grin. “And why is that?”

“Because I’m going to make love to you all day long. In the bed, on the kitchen table, on the washing machine…”

Mikko chuckled. Oh, the washing machine had given them quite a ride. “But this time you take me.” That first time it had been Mikko taking Antti. They had made love frequently during the last two months and both enjoyed reversing roles and experiencing love the other way around. “I love you,” Mikko whispered, and moved to press a kiss onto Antti’s brow, but the other man moved his head and he ended up kissing a dreadlock instead.

“Love you too,” Antti whispered. His eyes were starting to close again. “Sleep now?”

“Sure, we’ll sleep.” Mikko wasn’t sure he could though since he was still wide awake, but for Antti’s sake he grew quiet and settled for stroking his lover’s back.

TBC

Part 4
Don't let me down, don't give up, don't give in!

Tommi felt nervous when he rang the doorbell. During the trip over there, he had tried to come up with a short speech to explain to Matthau that everything was forgiven since the younger man seemed to have a hard time accepting that. But he had come up with nothing. His mind was a total blank.

The door opened and Juha appeared and smiled before pulling him inside. “Ah, there you are! Finally! If getting here had taken you much longer, we would have had a hole in the carpet! Matti’s been pacing ever since he phoned you!”

Arching an eyebrow in surprise, Tommi handed Juha his coat to put away. “And why’s that? I mean, it has taken him long enough to contact me. What difference does thirty minutes make?” Juha’s grin puzzled Tommi. What did the redhead know that he didn’t?

“He sent you an email this morning and he has been waiting all day for you to answer it,” Juha remarked as he guided Tommi into the living room. “He was biting his fingernails when you didn’t come online.”

“I didn’t think he would contact me so I switched off the computer. What was the point in keeping it switched on? I had offered to take him home once he was allowed to leave the clinic, but he called Chris instead. Was I supposed to sit in front of the computer and wait for a message that might never have come?”

Juha nodded. He understood Tommi’s frustration. “But maybe it took that long for a reason. Give him a chance to explain himself and to make things up to you,” he advised as he opened the door into the living room.

Matthau looked up the moment the door opened and he swallowed hard when he saw Tommi standing there. The last time they had talked, Tommi had been in pain from Matthau’s punch. Growing increasingly nervous, Matthau shuffled his feet and averted his gaze. Tommi might have forgiven him, but he didn’t deserve such leniency. Not after what he had done!

“Hei Matti.” Tommi smiled encouragingly when he saw how nervous and insecure the younger man appeared. “It’s good to see you again. You look well.” Matthau *did* look well. He took a few steps toward the other man and then waited for Matthau to meet his gaze.

“Look at him! He’s not going to bite,” Chris whispered into his brother’s ear. “He’s glad to see you!” He rubbed Matthau’s back soothingly and shoved him in Tommi’s direction.

Startled at being so close to Tommi all of a sudden, Matthau’s head jerked back and he unexpectedly looked the blond in the eye. Chris was right, Matthau noticed. Tommi didn’t look angry. He looked relieved and happy to see him. Shyly, he managed a, “Hei Tommi,” before looking away again.

When Tommi looked at him, Chris shrugged. He couldn’t help it that his younger brother felt shy.

Tommi took another step forward and hugged Matthau, who tensed before perseverance had him relaxing. “I’m so happy you called. I really wanted to know how you were doing.” He guided Matthau’s head to his shoulder and rubbed soothing circles on the younger man’s back.

Juha took hold of Chris’ arm and pulled his lover into the kitchen so Tommi and Matthau had some privacy.

Matthau let go of his fears and simply relished being held. “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you earlier. I was too much of a coward. I can’t forget the way that I hit you…the way you looked…” Tears appeared in his eyes and flowed down his face and landed on Tommi’s shirt.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve forgiven you. You earned my forgiveness when you checked yourself into that clinic. When you did that, you redeemed yourself in my eyes.” Tommi lifted Matthau’s face and smiled at the younger man. “At least the blow I suffered caused you to act! I doubt you would have made that move if you hadn’t lashed out at me. So, much good came from that one blow. Forgive yourself, Matti, please.” Tommi wiped Matthau’s tears away with his fingertips. “Everything’s fine.”

Matthau still had a hard time believing that, but since Tommi sounded so firm, it was difficult to continue blaming himself. His tears dried and he swallowed a few times convulsively as he composed himself again. “Thanks for being such a good friend.”

“You deserve good friends in your life.” Tommi guided Matthau to a couch and they sat down. “I know you have Chris and Juha, but I’m hoping you’ll also give me a chance to be there for you.”

Matthau nodded weakly. “I want that very much.”

Tommi smiled. “Good.” He brushed Matthau’s dark hair behind an ear and sighed. Now that they were sitting so close and still in a loose embrace, he realized that something more than friendship connected him to the younger man. He ruthlessly crushed that feeling though for it was unwelcome and uncalled for. “Are you going to stay with Chris and Juha?” he asked as he let go of Matthau so he could collect himself. The sudden insight he’d gained a moment earlier had left him shaken, but he was a good actor and managed to hide his insecurities.

“For the time being, yes. I don’t want to return to my apartment yet and be on my own.”

“I understand that. And I’m sure you feel at home here. Chris and Juha did a great job decorating the house.”

“Thanks for your letters,” Matthau said while regretting that the embrace had ended. Tommi sat some distance away now and the physical contact which he’d enjoyed so much was gone. “It was really nice of you to keep me up to date. I got to know everyone a lot better, Juha, Ville, Jonne, everyone!”

“Well, I wanted to show you that I cared and I wanted to stay in touch.” Tommi sucked in his breath when Matthau placed his hand on top of his. He had never expected for the younger man to touch him like this.

“I really appreciate that,” Matti said and squeezed Tommi’s fingers slightly. He wasn’t aware that he had reached out. Everything was happening on impulse. A strange, but certainly not uncomfortable silence formed as they watched each other.

“I’ve got coffee!” Chris kicked the door open and entered carrying a tray. “Who wants some?” Looking at Matthau and Tommi, he realized that he had interrupted something special.

He considered turning around and disappearing into the kitchen again, but the magic of the moment had been broken and Matthau looked away from Tommi to look at him. “I’d like some!”

“Me too,” Tommi added huskily. Damn, he needed to get his hormones under control again. This wasn’t happening. He hadn’t developed feelings for Matthau! He was Chris’ brother and… Tommi shook his head. No! No boyfriends for him. He shouldn’t get his hopes up. He had never been lucky in that way before and he was sure it wasn’t going to change now.

“You won’t believe it,” Chris stated as he sat down opposite them after placing the tray on the coffee table. “But Juha’s baking!”

Amused, Matthau looked at his brother. “And why wouldn’t we believe that?” He hadn’t known Juha for that long, but the redhead struck him as very homely and baking was, while unusual for a guy, not unheard of.

“He has this instant mix. You add water to it and then mix it.” Chris grinned happily. “He put it in the oven and now the kitchen smells of baking cake.”

“Chris, you’re practically drooling.” Matthau drew in a deep breath. It was great to see his brother getting excited about something simple instead of getting high on drugs. He took hold of his coffee and warmed his hands on the porcelain.

“And how are you two? Did you talk?” Chris asked Matthau and Tommi.

“As far as I’m concerned things couldn’t be better,” Tommi replied. “I’m really glad to be here!”

“And I’m glad you’re here,” Matthau whispered, blushing a bit.

Chris grinned and couldn’t help but wonder if there wasn’t something more going on than them being friends. He could be wrong, though he doubted it, but he had the suspicion that Tommi and Matthau were attracted to each other. The thing that worried Chris was that both men seemed totally unaware of it!

~~~

Juha shook his head. He hadn’t known that Chris loved cake so much. His lover was actually sucking his fingertips to get the last crumbs. “I can bake another one,” he suggested. Chris’ expression became radiant and adoring before his lover pulled him lovingly into his arms.

“But then it wouldn’t be so special any more.” Chris pressed a kiss to Juha’s lips and when Juha’s mouth parted, his tongue slithered inside.

Juha allowed the kiss and deepened it, but once it had stopped, he remarked teasingly, “Admit it...you’d only have more crumbs!”

Chris laughed warmly and rested his brow against Juha’s. “Not just the crumbs. You taste lovely too.”

Seated on the other couch, Matthau and Tommi were trying hard to look everywhere but at Chris and Juha as they started to make out. It was Matthau who eventually felt it is was his duty to say, “Get a room!”

Chris grinned at that. “That’s a great idea, but can we leave you two kids unsupervised?”

“Chris...behave, will you?” Juha tenderly brushed Chris’ cheek and smiled adoringly at him. The way their love was still deepening amazed him. He hadn’t thought it possible to love Chris more than he already did.

Chris pouted. “I want you all to myself.”

“You’ll have me to yourself later,” Juha hinted and kissed Chris on the lips. “But for now, we should act our part. We’re the hosts, remember?”

Chris sighed. Unfortunately Juha was correct. “So what are the two of you going to do? Hopefully stay in touch?”

Matthau nodded. He hoped so too and it looked like Tommi wanted to stay in contact too.

“The couch’s very comfortable,” Juha commented as he winked at Tommi. “It’s cold out there and warm in here.”

Tommi would have loved to accept the invitation, but… “I can’t leave Musta that long. It’s only his second night at my place and I don’t want him shredding my bed linen.” He would have to go home shortly, but that didn’t mean he had to go without Matthau’s company for long. “Hey, I was wondering...you don’t have to say yes, but would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow? If you trust me to cook I can prepare something. Or if you’d rather go out, we could do that too!”

Matthau accepted immediately. “I’ll risk your cooking.” Having dinner at Tommi’s place would be less risky than going to a restaurant where they also served wine and beer. He knew Tommi well enough to know that he would keep in mind not to offer him any alcohol. “I’ll take the bus and make sure I get there around seven. Is that okay for you?”

Tommi didn’t like the bus part and offered, “I can pick you up after work. It’s not that big a detour.”

Matthau had to admit he liked that better. He was a walking disaster when it came to catching the right bus at the right time. He always ended up someplace else and his car was still at his place, safely parked in the garage. “That’s great.”

Tommi rose from the couch. A look at the clock showed that it was close to midnight and he needed to go home. He had to work the following day and Matthau looked tired too. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Swallowing hard, Matthau didn’t want Tommi to leave. Suddenly a hand settled at the small of his back. Chris tried to reassure him. “Drive safely.”

Tommi nodded. “I’ll be careful.” Why wasn’t he turning around and leaving? What was he waiting for? He found out a moment later when Matthau suddenly grabbed him and pulled him close. “Hey, everything’s okay.” He clumsily patted Matthau’s shoulder in the hope to reassure him. “We’ll talk some more tomorrow evening.” Matthau nodded against his shoulder before releasing him. “See you tomorrow!” Tommi said as he waved and winked at Matthau before following Juha into the corridor. He didn’t want to leave Matthau behind, but he had to look after Musta and had to work the next day.

Juha smiled all the way to the front door. “Your visit did Matti a world of good. He needed that.”

“I needed that too,” Tommi admitted as he slipped back into his coat. “Keep an eye on him for me, will you?”

“Chris and I will. Don’t worry. Matti is in good hands here.”

Tommi didn’t doubt that, but he couldn’t help worry. Matthau’s health and well-being were important to him.

~~~

Musta was fast asleep when Tommi entered the bedroom. Relieved, Tommi noticed that his bed linen was still intact. Apparently he had been worried over nothing, but he didn’t care. While he loved spending time with Matthau, he didn’t want to neglect the kitten either. When he had taken Musta in, he had also accepted the responsibility that came with it.

He undressed and slipped between the covers. Musta woke and glared at him reproachfully, but then moved closer and snuggled up to him. Tommi pet the feline and smiled happily as his thoughts returned to his conversation with Matthau earlier that night. Everything was okay again, for which he was thankful and the younger man had even accepted his dinner invitation.

That meant Tommi had some work ahead of him though. He didn’t keep much alcohol at his place, but first thing in the morning before heading to work, he would rid himself of those bottles. Then before picking up Matthau, he would make a quick detour to the supermarket and buy the items he needed for dinner. Hopefully Matthau liked lasagna.

Closing his eyes, he pressed deeper into the comfort of the mattress. Even after he had fallen asleep, he was still smiling.

~~~

Juha was at work when his mobile phone went off. Surprised, he answered it. Chris knew he was at work and wouldn’t disturb him, so who was calling him?

“Juha? It’s me, Jonne! Sorry if I’m disturbing you, but I wanted to ask you something!”

Juha sighed. It was a good thing he wasn’t that busy at the moment. “What do you want to know, Jonne?”

“Do you have any plans for Chris’ birthday?”

Juha’s eyes widened dramatically. “His birthday?” Why hadn’t Chris told him or at least given him some hint? This wasn’t fair! “I had no idea!”

“He’s quite secretive about it. It took me two years to find out his correct birth date. His birthday is this Friday and I was wondering if you wanted to do something? I can help organize. I have lots of time since there are no upcoming gigs at the moment.”

“I had no idea so… I need to think about it first.”

“Why don’t you think about it and I get back to you tomorrow evening? Want me to see if I can come up with something?”

“Yes, that would be great, ‘cause I really had no idea and…”

“I understand! Don’t worry about it. We’ll come up with something great! Talk to you again tomorrow! Bye!” Jonne put down his phone and grinned at Jack. “So, do you have any ideas?”

Jack grinned. “I might have!”

~~~

“You’re driving me nuts! Stop doing that!” Chris had done his best to ignore Matthau constantly tapping his fingernails on the kitchen table, but he had lost the fight. Since Juha was at work, it was up to him to keep Matthau busy. He was doing a poor job though since Matthau was obviously bored. Not even the game of poker they were playing helped to distract his brother.

“Anteeksi,” Matthau whispered and glanced guiltily at Chris. “I’m nervous.”

“Because of Tommi’s dinner invitation?” Matthau nodded and Chris wondered once more if he shouldn’t bring up his suspicion that there was more than just friendship on Tommi’s part. But if he did, he had to make a detour first. “Hey, tell me, you like guys too, don’t you?” He wasn’t completely sure. Matthau and he had never really confided much in each other and he had never kept track of the girls or boys Matthau had been dating.

Matthau looked at his brother in surprise. They had never discussed that before! “And why do you want to know?”

“I was wondering. Just humor me and answer...please. Do you like guys?”

Matthau had no idea why his brother was bringing this up, but nodded. “It depends. Sometimes I do.”

“Ah...” escaped Chris. He sipped his coffee and gazed probingly at Matthau. It was a good thing he was drinking coffee and not alcohol because then he wouldn’t have been tactful and would have just blurted everything out, creating another argument. But since he *was* sober, he asked carefully, “And what about Tommi? Do you like him like that?”

Matthau’s eyes grew impossibly big. “What did you just say?” He wasn’t sure if he should burst out laughing or be cross with Chris. He must have misheard!

“You heard me. Did you ever consider Tommi as boyfriend material?” Chris hoped he wasn’t crossing the line with his questions, but Matthau had no idea what was going on and Chris felt it was his duty to point his brother in the right direction. “Because I think he does. It’s something in the way he looks at you.”

Matthau dropped his cards and stared at Chris in wonder. “You’re crazy!”

“I’m not.” Chris shook his head. “I know that look. Juha looks at me that way and by the way, you lost the game.”

Matthau wasn’t interested in their game anymore though. “Chris, there’s no way that I...that Tommi… How come you think he likes guys in the first place?”

“Instinct,” Chris replied and shrugged. “But how about you? Do you like Tommi that way?”

“Chris, you’re imagining things where Tommi is concerned and no, I’m most definitely not interested in him that way!”

“You protest rather loudly,” Chris remarked as he gathered their playing cards. “Would it be so bad if Tommi was interested in you?”

Matthau drew in a deep breath and counted to ten. “Chris, there’s no reason to assume Tommi thinks about me like that and I certainly don’t think he’s attractive!”

Chris shrugged again. “I didn’t say attractive. You can be attracted to someone even when that person isn’t attractive. And I wouldn’t call Tommi unattractive. He’s not my type, but he might be yours, considering you accepted his dinner invitation without giving it a second thought.”

“Now stop it! There’s nothing going on between Tommi and me! Do you get that? So stop bringing it up and deal the cards!” Chris’ suggestion was too absurd to take seriously! Matthau glared at his brother when Chris moved to speak again and his brother kept his peace. Chris wasn’t right...couldn’t be right. There was no way the two of them were attracted to each other. It was impossible!

~~~

After work, Tommi drove to the supermarket and bought everything he needed to make lasagna. Instead of wine, he settled for grape juice and also added a few other fruit juices as well. Since alcohol was no longer an option, he had to buy stuff he normally never did. Once he had put everything in the trunk of his car, he drove to Chris’ place to pick Matthau up, just like he had promised. To his surprise, he found Matthau pacing the curb, smoking heavily. Had something bad happened? “Hei! It’s me!”

Matthau looked up and dropped the cigarette to the pavement before grinding it out and getting into the car. “I needed to think,” he explained at Tommi’s look. “And I needed a moment alone. Chris has been driving me nuts all day. For some reason he refused to let me out of his sight. He was even watching me from a window when I was smoking just now!”

“He’s worried and he cares about you!” Tommi turned the car around and headed in the opposite direction. It would take about twenty minutes to reach his apartment.

The conversation he’d had with Chris wouldn’t leave Matthau alone and he peeked at Tommi. The older man wasn’t his type normally, but Tommi had proven his worth the last few months. Tommi had supported him and had shown how loyal he was. That counted for a lot in Matthau’s book. But did he find Tommi attractive? Was he, as Chris had put it, boyfriend material? And what exactly was the nature of his feelings concerning Tommi? Why did Chris have to bring it up during their game?

“Is something wrong?” Tommi frowned and glanced quickly at Matthau while driving.

“Not wrong. Chris said something and it keeps running in my head.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Matthau quickly shook his head. “Not yet,” he replied hurriedly. He needed to find some answers himself. “Tommi? Can I ask you something personal?”

“Sure!” They had reached Tommi’s place and the blond parked the car. Making his way over to the front door, he kept a close eye on Matthau, who looked distracted.

“I’d better wait until we’re inside. This isn’t something to discuss on the street.” Matthau followed Tommi inside and took in his surroundings. Tommi’s taste in decorating was more traditional. The apartment featured a lot of white and beige walls and wooden furniture. It was still welcoming though, just rather plain and a bit boring when compared to Chris and Juha’s home.

Tommi went into the kitchen to put his groceries onto the counter and greeted Musta, who was meowing loudly. Picking the kitten up, he introduced him to Matthau. “And this is my new roommate.” Fondly, he smiled at the kitten and cuddled it. “You’ll get something to eat in a moment. Just give me a chance to get out of my coat and shoes.” He placed a kiss on the kitten’s head and then put Musta back on the floor again.

Matthau watched the exchange and smiled. Tommi obviously cared a lot for the kitten and it reminded him of the way the older man had supported him the last few months. He liked Tommi – a lot. He had liked Tommi even when he hadn’t known who he was dealing with back then. But *how* much exactly did he like Tommi? What Chris had said was true. He had eagerly accepted the dinner invitation because he had wanted to be close to Tommi. Sighing, he realized it would take time to sort out his feelings and it might take even more guts to admit them to himself.

“I hope you like lasagna!” Tommi had noticed Matthau had been staring at him, but hadn’t addressed it. Instead he had fed Musta and had uncovered the vegetables and minced meat from the grocery bags. He was hungry and wanted to get started. It would take an hour at least for the lasagna to be ready!

Matthau nodded absentmindedly. What the hell was he doing there? Why had he accepted the dinner invitation so readily? Was Chris right? No, damn it, Chris couldn’t be right!

“Hey, is something wrong?” Tommi placed a hand on Matthau’s shoulder and squeezed. “If you’re tired, lie down. It’ll take a while to get the lasagna ready. Take a nap and take Musta with you if you do.” The kitten was trying to get away with the minced meat.

“Maybe I should lie down for a moment.” He *had* to sort out the emotional turmoil he was in. When Tommi placed Musta in his arms, Matthau pressed the kitten closer and then headed for the living room, leaving a worried Tommi behind.

Tommi wondered if he had done or said something wrong. But he hadn’t said that much to begin with! Or had Matthau changed his mind and didn’t want to be there anymore? Why hadn’t Matthau asked him what he had wanted to know back on the street? Rubbing his brow, Tommi decided that the best thing to do was to get dinner started. Hopefully Matthau would talk to him when he felt ready.

~~~

“Lauri, look!” Proudly Ville presented Lauri with his latest paper. “The professor was really pleased with my work! I can’t believe everything is going so well!” He straddled his boyfriend and rubbed his bottom against Lauri’s groin. “Want to celebrate?”

Lauri ran his fingers through Ville’s hair. The younger man had blossomed since he had started his studies. Ville was energetic, always busy, and most importantly, enjoyed studying the arts. “How about we celebrate in a different way?”

“You don’t want to make love to me?” Ville pouted.

“I promise you that we’ll do that later, but first, I would like to take you out for dinner. In style.”

Ville’s mood instantly brightened, but then he started pouting again. “You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you? The last time you took me out for dinner we ended up at Burger King!”

“That was my mistake. I had forgotten to make reservations at the restaurant. Don’t look at me like that. Go on! Change into something…more stylish.”

“It would help if you told me where you’re taking me for dinner.” Ville reluctantly got up from Lauri’s lap. “I don’t have to dress fancy, do I? Because I don’t own a suit or anything like that.”

Lauri chuckled. “Just dress up a bit, Ville, but make sure you feel comfortable and are still you.”

Ville grinned. “I can do that.” He had no idea what Lauri was up to, but was willing to let his boyfriend surprise him.

~~~

Ville was glad he had taken Lauri’s advice to heart and hadn’t overdressed. He had put on some of his ‘old’ clothes that he had worn during his time with Flinch, and felt surprisingly comfortable wearing them. Since he had found something that kept him busy and fulfilled, it was easier to think about past failures.

“I always liked Napoli,” Lauri said, referring to the restaurant he had picked for dinner. “They’ve got great pizzas.”

Ville nodded and made his selection. He grew nervous though when the waiter presented him with the wine card. “No thanks, I don’t want any. Some water will do.” He looked questioningly at Lauri.

“Bring me some non-alcoholic beer.” Lauri also knew he couldn’t mess up and stuck to everything non-alcoholic.

“So what’s the occasion?” Ville wrapped his fingers around Lauri’s and smiled.

“It’s our six month anniversary,” Lauri responded with a nervous grin on his face.

Ville instantly felt guilty. “I didn’t know that...”

“That’s okay. Normally I forget things like that too. The next time, you’ll have to remember.” Lauri squeezed Ville’s fingers. “There’s something else I would like to discuss with you.”

Ville arched an eyebrow. “And what’s that?”

“Tommi called.”

Ville’s eyes widened. “Why did he call you?”

“He wanted my opinion on something.”

“On what? Damn it, Lauri, tell me and stop stalling!”

“Well, you know Flinch no longer exists. The matter seems to be more complicated than that though. The other band members left and...basically...you’re Flinch at the moment.”

Ville swallowed hard. “They left?”

“Apparently they wanted to do their own thing.” Lauri hadn’t thought discussing this would be so difficult. If he had, he would have told Tommi to have this conversation with Ville himself. “Tommi wants to know if you’re interested in rebuilding Flinch. You pick the musicians and Jonne has offered to help where he can.”

Ville blinked. “You mean, like start all over again?” Lauri nodded and Ville drew in a deep breath. “I’m not sure I want that.”

“Take all the time you need. Tommi assured me that there’s no rush. But he does want you to know that you can also make music, if you want like a side project. It might even help you with your studies and gain you credits from your professors.”

Ville chuckled. “I doubt they listen to that kind of music or call it art!”

“Just give the matter some thought, will you? And there’s no rush.” Lauri hoped Ville wouldn’t feel pressured in any way. Sipping his non-alcoholic beer, he declared, “Here’s to the last six months. Let’s make a deal and do this again in six months.”

Ville nodded and smiled at Lauri. “I’d love that. A new tradition that belongs to us.” Leaning in closer, he claimed Lauri’s lips and sealed their deal with a kiss.

TBC

Part 5
Promised Land

“Hey, dinner’s ready.” Tommi hadn’t meant to sneak up on Matthau, but the younger man *had* fallen asleep on the couch and hadn’t heard him approach. Hovering above Matthau’s face, Tommi smiled as the eyes finally opened. “I hope you like lasagna.”

Matthau was still half asleep as he stared dreamily at Tommi. He had just had a very sensual dream featuring the blond man and was having a hard time returning to reality in which they weren’t lovers. Strange that a dream would reveal to him what he had been denying for some time. Chris had been right: Tommi was boyfriend material, no matter how odd that sounded. “I love lasagna.” He would eat anything just to please Tommi. When Tommi extended his hand to pull him to his feet, Matthau took it and trembled as he felt how warm those fingers wrapped around his were.

Tommi frowned and wondered about the odd look Matthau was giving him, but then dismissed his worries. Matthau had been asleep and had probably been dreaming. He pulled Matthau along to the dining table and gestured at a chair. “Sit down and eat!”

Matthau seated himself and grinned. The lasagna smelled and looked great. For one moment he felt horrified when he saw the red liquid in the wine glass standing next to his plate.

“Hey, calm down. I’d never serve you wine. It’s grape juice.” Tommi placed a portion of the lasagna onto Matthau’s plate and then served himself. “I have other juices as well, or water.”

“It’s okay.” Matthau sipped carefully. “I’ll have to get used to drinking healthy stuff now that I can’t have alcohol.” Taking hold of his knife and fork, he tasted the lasagna and was pleasantly surprised. “This tastes good!”

“I can’t cook very well, but I can make lasagna!” Tommi started eating too. “I’m glad you like it.”

Matthau’s eyes narrowed as he took in the rest of the living room. The light had been dimmed, candles lit, and in the background was some soft eighties music. Tommi had created a very relaxing atmosphere without overdoing it.

“You wanted to ask me something when we left the car. What was it that you wanted to know?” Tommi opted for the direct approach. Matthau seemed relaxed, but there was still a hint of...what?

“It’s something personal.” Matthau wasn’t sure he should ask Tommi, but at the same time he wanted to know if Chris had been right. “And if you don’t want to answer it, that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel cornered or pressured.”

Tommi frowned. That sounded serious. “What do you want to know?” he asked and prepared himself for the worst, although he had no idea what the worst thing could be.

“Have you ever been in a long-term relationship?”

“I haven’t. I never found the right person who wanted to stick with me for that long. I had dated some girls, but they always ended the relationship, usually after two or three months. I was away too often.” Tommi frowned. Why did Matthau want to know all this?

“Did you ever date a guy?” Matthau figured he had nothing to lose. Everything Tommi told him was extra information which would hopefully help him sort out his own feelings.

Tommi shook his head. “Officially I’m still in the closet. Jonne found out only the other day and...meeting guys is much more difficult when you’re on the road. Sure, there’s always the possibility of having one-night stands, but I’m not that type of guy. I want something solid – something more.”

Matthau wasn’t surprised since he had figured as much. “So, is there someone in your life you would consider dating?” Tommi’s eyes widened only marginally, but Matthau noticed. Could it be that Chris had been right after all?

Tommi felt cornered. He didn’t want to lie, but Matthau was pushing him into a corner. “Maybe,” he said eventually. “And how about you?” he added, turning the tables on Matthau.

“I’m not sure,” Matthau admitted. “There might be someone, but...I’m not sure he’s interested in me.”

Hearing that made Tommi’s heart twitch painfully in his chest. “Anyone I know?”

Matthau didn’t want to play games, but he also wasn’t sure they were both ready to admit the truth yet. “Yes,” he said eventually.

Tommi nodded briskly, picked up his fork, and started eating again. “I wish you the best of luck! Hopefully he feels the same way about you.”

Matthau bit his lip and then replied, “I don’t know if he has any feelings for me. I’m hoping he does and Chris seems to think he does, but…talking to him about it is hard.”

“And why is that?” Tommi didn’t really want to know, but he couldn’t ignore Matthau’s comments.

“Because for some reason he has a tough time talking about his feelings in the first place, let alone about any attraction he might feel. Talking to him is like pulling teeth.” Okay, could he *be* anymore obvious?

“Well, I can understand why that would create difficulties. Have you tried talking to him about that?” Tommi no longer met Matthau’s gaze and was no longer focused on their conversation. Matthau was in love with someone else. Like that was something new. Wasn’t that the story of his life? Always falling for someone who was already in love with someone else?

Matthau sighed. Apparently he wasn’t being obvious enough yet, judging by the way Tommi was growing increasingly depressed. Should he tell Tommi or wait? He realized that he had some interest in the blond, but was he ready to admit that? But what was the alternative? Tommi being depressed? What was wise? Matthau didn’t know. “Tommi, you *are* dense at times, you know that?” He reached out and squeezed the older man’s hand. All right, that *had* to do the trick!

Tommi’s head jerked back. “What did you say? I’m dense?” He felt frustrated and glared at Matthau.

“You still haven’t caught on…” Matthau sighed. “Tommi, I’m talking about you!”

Tommi was completely lost now. He had no idea what Matthau was talking about and gazed helplessly at Matthau. “Matti, please make sense.”

Matthau drew in a deep breath and then took the plunge. “I was wondering if you had any feelings for me. If you’re interested in me that way.”

“I?” Tommi blinked and suddenly realized what Matthau was trying to tell him. “You think I’m interested in you?”

“Chris thinks so and, in all honesty, I think I would like that...you being interested in me, because in some way, I’m also interested in you.”

Silence descended on the room and they stared at each other. Neither of them was able to look away and the background music filled the huge gap between them.

“I don’t know what to say. It’s rather…unexpected.” Tommi tried to compose himself and think of something to say.

Matthau hadn’t thought that he’d have to take the initiative again, but he did, much to his own surprise. “Tommi, just tell me. Are you interested in me?”

Inhaling, Tommi stared at his plate. He couldn’t look Matthau in the eye for some reason. “I think so.”

Why was this so hard on Tommi? Matthau had thought he was the one with the problems! “I like you that way too, so what’s the problem?”

Tommi shrugged. “It would be the first time that the person I like liked me back.”

That sounded immensely sad and Matthau blinked. “I’m sorry that…”

The older man shrugged again. “It’s the way life is...seldom fair.”

Matthau couldn’t bear the expression in Tommi’s eyes and rubbed the older man’s fingers. “Hey, I don’t know where this will end, but we should give it a chance, don’t you think? We have nothing to lose!”

Tommi wasn’t convinced though, but nodded anyways. “If you say so.” He just didn’t know how to react now that someone he fancied liked him back.

Matthau realized that fortunately for Tommi. “I’m afraid the lasagna has gone cold.”

“I have dessert, if you want some.”

“What’s for dessert?”

“Nothing fancy, just vanilla ice cream.”

That should be fine with no alcohol added to that. “I’ll help you carry everything back into the kitchen.”

“You don’t need to do that. You’re the guest!” Tommi moved to stop Matthau, but the younger man got up at any rate.

“That’s nonsense! I want to help! Please let me.” Matthau picked up the plates and followed Tommi into the kitchen. He realized at once why Tommi hadn’t wanted him to help. The kitchen was an absolute mess. “Does this always happen when you cook?”

Tommi blushed. “I’ll clean it up later...or tomorrow after work.” He didn’t want to do it while Matthau was still there. He wanted to spend the time with the other man instead. He uncovered the ice cream from the fridge, filled up two bowls, and grabbed hold of some chocolate sauce. “Want some?” he asked Matthau as he stood behind him, watching.

“Sure,” Matthau answered as he nodded. As he watched Tommi top the ice cream with chocolate sauce, he pondered his current situation. He had a chance to make this work...to finally make a relationship work, but he was scared he would fuck it up. It was like Tommi had said: things like this didn’t happen.

“Matti?” Tommi frowned. He had tried to hand Matthau his bowl with ice cream but the younger man wasn’t reacting. “Everything okay?” he asked worriedly.

“I was just thinking…” Matthau took hold of his dessert and followed Tommi back into the living room. The blond sat down on the couch and Matthau sat down next to him.

“What about?” Tommi asked, though he wasn’t sure he wanted to start another conversation after he had stuttered through the first.

“About…us.” Matthau looked Tommi in the eye. “This is so fucking weird, but in a good way!” he added at Tommi’s skepticism. He realized that it would take time for them to move towards each other. He had his own issues that he still had to deal with and Tommi had to get used to the idea that this time his love wasn’t unrequited. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m excited about it!”

Tommi smiled and nodded. “It might not show, but I feel the same way.” Slowly, hesitantly, his hand moved towards Matthau’s and wrapped itself around the younger man’s fingers.

Touched, Matthau smiled brightly at Tommi and twined their fingers, squeezing gently.

~~~

Ville studied Jonne extensively. His brother was playing with Pinki and he had been quite surprised, if not shocked, to hear that Tommi was now Musta’s owner. He hadn’t thought Jonne would have given the kitten up so easily...certainly not with how Jonne was playing with Pinki at the moment. “So why is Musta now with Tommi?”

“Because Tommi feels lonely and he needs the company more than I do.” Jonne smiled at Ville. “And I can play with Harmaa and Pinki when I’m visiting with you.” He was visiting Ville to discuss Flinch since Jonne had offered his help.

“But I thought you liked having company too? Especially since Jack’s away often these days?” Private Line was releasing their second album in additional countries and that meant doing a lot of promo work for Sammy and Jack.

“I’ll survive. And I have to help Juha prepare for Chris’ birthday. Chris hadn’t told him that it was coming up.” Jonne rolled onto his back and raised the kitten in the air before cuddling it close again. Harmaa was watching from a distance, clearly not trusting Jonne to be careful with her sibling.

“But you liked having Musta about, didn’t you?”

Jonne turned onto his stomach and nodded at his brother. “Having company was nice.”

“Why don’t you take Pinki instead? I’m keeping one kitten because I don’t want Lady to be alone.” Lauri had called the mother cat Little Lady from the start and that had become her official name.

“I can’t do that. You’re fond of her!”

“I still have Harmaa left.” Ville shrugged. “Take her!”

“We’ll see.” Jonne was reluctant to say yes since he knew that Ville had grown attached to the felines. “Have you thought about Tommi’s proposal to revive Flinch?”

“I gave it some thought, yes, but I’m not sure it’ll work. We need new musicians and the chemistry would have to be right. It won’t be easy.”

“But would you give it a try?” Jonne saw the conflict in Ville’s eyes and quickly added, “You don’t have to. You have your studies and we don’t want you to neglect those.”

“I need more time,” Ville responded, making it clear that he wasn’t dismissing the idea completely.

“You’ve got time,” Jonne assured him and giggled as Pinki started to knead his abdomen.

“That settles it. You’re taking her with you.” Ville picked up Harmaa and cuddled the kitten. In a way, he liked the idea of the two kittens living with his brothers. He knew they would be spoiled rotten, especially by Jonne.

~~~

“Finally!” Mikko jumped onto the couch and cuddled close to Antti. “I thought Jussi would never let me go!” He had gotten off early that night and wanted to spend the remaining time with Antti. “What movie are we going to watch?”

“How about Shrek 2?” Ever since Antti had found out how much Mikko hated horror movies, he had started to buy comedies as well. He loved seeing Mikko smile and movies like Pirates of the Caribbean, Ice age, and Shrek did the trick. He also understood that it was a nice way to unwind for Mikko after working at the Dog’s Home.

“That’s fine with me.” Mikko nibbled on the snacks Antti had put on the coffee table, which ranged from spicy little meatballs to marshmallows. He carefully selected his treats though, remembering a time when he had eaten all of the offerings during one evening. He had been terribly sick that night so he stuck to the meatballs instead.

Antti’s fingers twined with his and he raised his head so he could look at his boyfriend. The last few months had been wonderful and Antti had helped him heal the hurt Leena had inflicted. “I’m so happy,” he whispered after a few minutes into the movie.

Antti grinned. It wasn’t the first time that Mikko turned mushy on him, but he didn’t mind. It usually meant that he would get great sex that night. “I’m happy too,” he said and slipped a hand beneath Mikko’s shirt and caressed the skin there.

Mikko purred and turned in the embrace, all thoughts of watching the movie forgotten. Instead he concentrated on Antti and kissed him. Crawling onto the other redhead’s lap, he wrapped his arms and legs around him. “Want to make love?”

Antti grinned again. “Such a stupid thing to ask. Of course I do.” Claiming Mikko’s lips again, he deepened the kiss and wondered where they would end up having sex this time.

~~~

Turned out they made love in the bed, but that didn’t mean things had been boring...not in the least. Mikko especially had enjoyed himself once he had convinced Antti that he was really okay with tying his hands to the bed posts.

Grinning in satiation, Mikko turned onto his side and spooned up behind Antti. Things with Antti would never get boring. He was sure of that. “You were wild.” He had loved it that way.

Antti chuckled. “Glad you liked it.” Although he enjoyed the feel of Mikko spooning with him, he wanted to see his lover’s face, so he turned over to face his lover. “I had no idea you’d like it that way.”

“Well, there are other things that you don’t know about me either, but I’m sure that you’ll find out in time,” Mikko hinted. Wrapping his arms around Antti, he smiled. “I want to stay like this forever.”

Nodding, Antti felt the same way. “I’m glad you’re happy. And I’m grateful you allowed me to love you. I know things weren’t exactly easy for you back then and to trust me like that was a huge step for you.”

Mikko nodded. He knew what Antti was referring to, but he was loath to bring up Leena’s name. “Jussi has given me Friday and Saturday off.” He frowned. Antti had asked him to make sure he wasn’t working on those days. “Tell me, why don’t you want me to work on those two days?”

“Because we’re throwing Chris a birthday party and you’ll need the rest afterwards, trust me.”

“Who’s ‘we’?” Mikko asked curiously.

“Jonne and Juha mostly, but I’m helping out.”

“Want to tell me what to expect?” Mikko kissed his way down from Antti’s ear to his collarbone.

“I don’t think so. It’s going to be a surprise party and we don’t want just Chris to be surprised, but most of the guests as well.”

Mikko arched an eyebrow challengingly. “Does that really mean you refuse to tell me?”

At that point, Antti realized he was in trouble. Mikko had his ways to make him talk. One time, Mikko had been giving him one hell of a blowjob and then, just when he had been about to come, had stopped. Antti had told Mikko everything he’d wanted to know just so he would finally get to come. “I want to,” he said, trying to make Mikko understand. “But it’s not my decision. Jonne and Juha have sworn me to secrecy… Please understand?”

Mikko decided to be merciful this time. It was only three days until he would find out. He could deal with that.

~~~

Matthau yawned and Tommi felt it was his duty to say, “If you want me to drive you home, just tell me.” If it were up to him, he wouldn’t let Matthau go. Sitting on the couch and watching a game felt nice. Matthau’s arm was wrapped around him and he had rested his head against the younger man’s shoulder. Musta had made himself comfortable on Matthau’s lap. Tommi was relieved that the kitten had accepted Matthau’s presence so easily. Musta could have been pissy instead.

Looking out the window, Matthau’s features contorted. A fierce wind was whipping raindrops viciously against the glass and he thought he even heard a rumble of thunder in the distance. Going outside didn’t seem desirable to him. “Hum, did you notice how bad the weather has turned?”

Tommi had, but he had also driven in much worse weather. “It’s still manageable. We might get a bit wet though.”

Matthau sighed as he remembered that hints didn’t really work with Tommi. He had to be direct then! “I’d rather spend the night on this couch instead of battling that storm.” At that moment, lightening flashed in front of the window and a moment later the heavens opened and released even more rain amidst thunder.

“Oh no,” Tommi whispered since the weather had really turned ugly. “I’d rather not drive through that either. And you don’t have to ruin your back sleeping on the couch. I have a guestroom. It’s small, but it has a bed in it. You can sleep there.”

Matthau grinned: mission accomplished. “I should give Chris a ring though and let him know that I’m staying here. He might grow worried.”

“Phone’s over there,” Tommi said and pointed Matthau in the right direction.

Picking up Musta though the kitten protested loudly, Matthau placed him onto Tommi’s lap. “I’ll be right back,” he stated and got to his feet. He picked up the phone and dialed Chris’ number.

“Moi!”

“Chris, it’s me.”

“I was wondering when you’d call! Let me guess, you’re calling to let me know that you’re staying with Tommi!”

Matthau cringed. Chris’ tone was way too cunning. “It’s because of the weather.”

“Oh yes, of course it’s because of the storm! And if there was no storm, you would have found another reason!” Chris chuckled. “Did he offer you his bed yet?”

“Tommi has a guestroom. I’ll sleep there.” Matthau was tempted to stick out his tongue, but stopped since Chris couldn’t see him. “I’ll call you once I know when I’ll be back.”

“Ah, you want to stay longer? Why am I not surprised?”

Tommi had left briefly to ready the guestroom, so Matthau was able to say, “You should see the state his kitchen is in after making lasagna. He has to go to work tomorrow and I want to clean it up before he gets home again.”

“That’s a nice thing to do. So did the two of you talk?”

“Uh, we did. It was like pulling teeth though. I had to draw each word from him.”

“And what did he say?”

“He likes men and he likes me that way. The conversation was rather awkward. We’re both shy about it.”

“At least you didn’t walk up to him and whispered, “Just let me fuck you,” into his ear. That’s what I did to Juha.”

“You did what?” Matthau shook his head. “We’re a long way from sharing a bed, Chris, but at least we’re talking about our feelings.”

“That’s good. As long as you keep talking, things will work out. Stay there as long as you want, but your room here will always be ready for you too.”

“Thanks for that,” Matthau replied. Tommi returned and Matthau ended the conversation. “See you soon, Chris!”

“Bye, Matti!” Chris terminated the call and then looked Juha in the eye. “I really think they stand a chance. It might take time, but…”

Juha nodded and placed a hand on either side of Chris’ face. Slowly, he pulled his lover closer and kissed him. He had faith in Matthau, just like he’d had faith in Chris back then.

~~~

That night, a scream cut through the comfortable silence in his apartment, making Tommi jolt up in his bed. “Matti,” was his first thought and he jumped to his feet, ignoring Musta hissing angrily at him. He didn’t bother with a morning robe and simply left his bedroom. Matthau had left the door ajar when he had gone to bed and Tommi pushed it fully open. “Matti!”

Matthau struggled with the comforter before kicking it off. He had forgotten to keep a light on and had felt disorientated when he had woken from a nightmare.

The first thing Tommi did after rushing to the bed was switch on the lamp on the night stand. “Is everything okay?” he asked worriedly. He carefully took in Matthau’s expression, which looked haunted. “Hey, everything’s fine now, yes?”

Matthau drew in a few deep, steadying breaths and then nodded once. Everything was all right again. Tommi was right about that. Things hadn’t been right though when he had the nightmare. He hated the way his subconscious would turn on him and make him re-live his past drunken stupors.

“What happened?” Tommi sat on the side of the bed and wasn’t sure if it was okay to touch Matthau. He was afraid that he might spook the younger man if he did, but just sitting there and not reaching out seemed wrong too. In the end, he carefully placed a hand on Matthau’s shoulder and rubbed the younger man’s back.

“Nightmare… They’ve become less frequent, but tend to happen when I’m asleep in strange surroundings. Normally I leave a light on, but I forgot to this time.”

“I’ll leave the lamp on, all right?” Tommi was about to rise from the bed again, not wanting to intrude on Matthau’s privacy since the younger man seemed to have composed himself again. He no longer had a reason to stay. “You know where to find me in case-” Tommi didn’t finish when Matthau’s fingers quickly curled around his wrist and kept him from getting to his feet. “Is something wrong?”

“Can’t you stay?” Matthau blurted out. “I’m afraid it might happen again.” He really didn’t want to be alone at the moment.

“Sure, I can stay. No problem.” Tommi sat down again and rested his back against the headboard. It reminded him of the nights when he had kept Ville or Jonne company or even both of them when they had been little. Ville especially had always been afraid during thunderstorms. This was different though and he felt nervous when Matthau rested his head on his abdomen. It was… weird, but also very nice.

“Cute boxers,” Matthau remarked and managed a smile. Tommi’s presence was helping him forget the nightmare. “Winnie the Pooh though?”

Tommi chuckled. “They were Jonne’s birthday present for me last year. I only wear them at home. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them.”

Matthau smiled and closed his eyes again. Tommi’s breathing soothed him.

Tommi raised his hand and gingerly took to stroking Matthau’s hair. This was a rather intimate setting and he couldn’t help feeling a bit nervous. In the past they had talked – chatted – about a lot of private stuff, but actually touching Matthau was still new.

“I like that…don’t stop,” Matthau whispered as he enjoyed the caress. “And thank you for staying.”

“Don’t mention it.” Tommi grew a bit bolder and his fingertips brushed Matthau’s brow. Musta suddenly jumped onto the bed and settled against Matthau’s side. “Wow, he actually deserted my bed for yours!”

Matthau smiled and stroked the feline’s fur. “I could get used to this,” he murmured, already half asleep again. Back at Chris’ place he didn’t have Tommi to watch over him or Musta to cuddle up to him. “I want to stay with you…here…” he mumbled just before he fell asleep again.

Tommi’s breath caught at that. “Then stay,” he whispered even though Matthau could no longer hear him. “I’d love to have you… here… in my arms like this.”

TBC

Part 6
Just got lucky

His biological clock woke Tommi in time to get up for work the next morning. It was still a bit dark outside, but he knew it was time for him to get up. Opening his eyes, he found that he had slid lower during the night and had ended up holding Matthau tightly in his arms. He hated having to let go, but had no choice. Carefully he eased Matthau out of the embrace and onto his back. “Sleep some more,” he whispered and pressed a kiss onto the younger man’s brow. Matthau curled up again after Tommi had left the bed and Tommi tucked the comforter around Matthau’s form. Musta was awake, but the kitten didn’t seem willing to leave his warm nest yet. “I’ll put out some food for you,” Tommi promised and then left the bedroom.

After a quick shower and getting dressed, he put out the kitten’s food and cringed as he looked about. The kitchen was still a mess and he didn’t have the time to clean everything up right then. He would do that this evening after he got off from work. Tommi sat down at the kitchen table, shoved the cook book aside, and took hold of a pen.

Matti,

Please feel at home and ignore the mess in the kitchen. There’s food in the fridge and cupboards so enjoy a good breakfast. I’m leaving the key next to this note just in case you need it. I won’t be home until seven, so if you’re heading back to Chris’, I’ll understand. I’ll call after work. I really had a nice time last night… Maybe we can do dinner again?

He folded the note, placed the spare key next to the paper, and then left for work.

~~~

Matthau stretched comfortably and grinned as Musta pressed a wet nose against his chest. “Hey, you’re still here!” Unfortunately for him, Tommi wasn’t. Matthau pushed himself up and looked about. It was ten in the morning already and he realized that Tommi had gone to work. Pity. He would have loved to have woken up in Tommi’s arms.

Picking up Musta, Matthau headed first for the kitchen and winced when he saw the mess surrounding him. He put the kitten on the floor and Musta headed straight for his food. Feeling a bit lost, Matthau looked about and wondered what to do. That was when he noticed the note and the key next to it. He sat down, read the note, and then folded it again. All right, he was going to have some breakfast and lots of strong coffee before cleaning up the kitchen. Tommi had once helped him clean up his apartment and he was eager to repay the kindness.

~~~

Two hours later, Tommi’s kitchen was spotless. Matthau felt drained, but as he looked at the result of the hard work he had done, he nodded contentedly. He was already looking forward to finding out Tommi’s reaction when the older man got home. “We deserve a reward, don’t you think?” he asked and patted Musta, who was winding himself around his legs.

He headed for the bathroom. Hadn’t he seen a big bathtub in there the other night? Oh yes, perfect! Matthau removed his clothes, filled up the bathtub, and added some of Tommi’s musky bath gel. Sliding into the hot water, he sighed happily. This was how life was supposed to be. His peace didn’t last long though as his mobile phone rang. He reached for his jeans and managed to uncover the item. A quick look at the display showed that it was Chris calling. “Moi!”

“Hei! Where are you and what are you doing?”

“Hum, in the bathroom enjoying a bath, why?”

“I was cleaning up your room when I found a piece of paper, telling me that you have an appointment at the clinic at two. I thought it might be smart to remind you.”

“Oh fuck, I almost forgot about that!”

“And are you all right? I worry, you know.”

“I’m fine. I just cleaned up Tommi’s kitchen. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes it’s no longer a mess.”

“So you’re definitely staying with Tommi for now?”

“Yes, is that a problem?”

“No problem, I just want to make sure you don’t turn up unexpectedly this evening… I was hoping for some one on one time with Juha tonight.”

Matthau chuckled. “Have fun then and don’t worry about me. I’ll go to the clinic and then stay with Tommi.”

“Kiitos! And stay in touch! I want to know what’s going on!”

“I’ll call you tomorrow. Is that okay with you?”

“That’s fine with me! Enjoy your evening with Tommi and don’t forget about the appointment. Bye!”

Matthau put the phone safely away and brushed against the layer of foam that had formed on the surface. He had just thought of another way to surprise Tommi and, in a way, show the older man how important he was. He would make dinner...well, he would *try*.

~~~

“You can use my kitchen! That’s no problem at all! When are you coming over? Tomorrow evening? Yes, I actually possess a mixer. You might not believe it, but I *do* cook at times!” Jonne chuckled and threw Jack a meaningful look, to which Japa rubbed his very present tummy. “Jack even gained weight because of my cooking!”

It was on the tip of Jack’s tongue to mention that Jonne had gained a few pounds too, but he swallowed the remark. The extra weight looked good on Jonne and the last thing he wanted was for his lover to feel insecure about his looks again. “Who’s on the phone?”

“Juha.” Jonne grinned and mouthed, “He wants to bake Chris a birthday cake.”

“Good thinking! Chris loves cakes!” Jack remembered only too well that Chris had once managed to eat a huge cake all by himself and it hadn’t been surprising that afterwards had suffered a major stomachache. Sometimes, Chris didn’t know when to stop, but Jack’d rather that Chris ate too much cake than use too much heroin.

“Yes, I’ll be at home… Yes, I have some ideas for his party. Hey, calm down! We’ll organize something nice!” Jonne shook his head. Juha worried too much. “I’ll see you tomorrow then! And bring everything you need!” Jonne was still grinning as he switched off his mobile phone. “Someone’s nervous!”

“I’m not surprised. Juha wants Chris to have a great party.”

“He’s forgetting something, though,” Jonne commented as he blanketed Jack’s body with his. “Chris already got his biggest present as far as our friend is concerned...Juha. It doesn’t matter what the party will be like. Even if it turns out to be one big disaster, Chris won’t mind as long as he can wrap his arms around Juha and hold him.” Jonne did the same thing with Jack as he embraced his lover tightly. “The only thing that matters is that he’s being loved…like I am.”

Jack raised an arm and touched Jonne’s face. “You’re right,” he whispered eventually. “Love’s the one thing...the only thing that matters to Chris and to me!”

~~~

“That was the weirdest phone call ever.” Mikko put his mobile phone down and frowned. “Juha’s lost his mind.”

Antti grinned. “Let me guess. He’s panicking because Chris didn’t tell him about his birthday and now he thinks that he has too little time to get organized?” Mikko nodded. “Ah, all you need for a successful party is an empty bottle. It doesn’t even have to be a beer bottle. I’m not taking any risks with the likes of Ville and Lauri there.”

Mikko nodded in understanding. “And Juha isn’t much of a drinker either. I bet he’ll forget to buy alcohol. There’ll be some, but hardly enough!” He chuckled and returned to Antti’s remark. “Why do we only need an empty bottle to make the party a hit?”

“Because, my sweetheart, with an empty bottle you can play ‘Truth or Dare’ and I must say there are a number of questions I want answered…and some things I want done!” Antti said and kissed Mikko on the lips.

Mikko shook his head. “You really love that game, don’t you?”

“I adore it… Much like I adore you…”

~~~

Tommi hadn’t expected for the lights to be on in his apartment when he got home. He was late with having worked overtime, which had made it impossible for him to get home before eight. He had expected for Matthau to go home to Chris and hadn’t thought that the younger man would stick around to wait for him to get back. But the lights showed that someone was home...or that Matthau had forgotten to switch them off when he had left. That would be a logical explanation as well.

Tommi unlocked the front door and stepped into the corridor. The first thing he noticed was the smell coming from the kitchen. Someone had been cooking. Could it be Matthau by any chance? He removed his coat and shoes and headed for the kitchen. There were pots and pans on the stove. The kitchen table was set and a tossed salad stood next to the orange juice. “Matti? Are you in here?”

Matthau had been in the bathroom before entering and smiling at Tommi. He had freshened himself up after cooking dinner. It was a good thing that he had fallen asleep on the couch, he thought in retrospect. He had woken up around seven thirty and had immediately started dinner and therefore, even though Tommi was late, he was perfectly on time. “I’m not *that* good a cook either, but I managed *not* to burn the steak!” He had made baked potatoes to go with the meat and hoped Tommi liked steak. It was nothing fancy, but it would fill their stomachs. “I hope you’re hungry!”

Tommi looked about in surprise. The kitchen had been cleaned, he could tell in spite of the new mess that Matthau had made. The previous night’s dishes, pots, and pans were gone and he realized that the younger man must have been at it for some hours. “You didn’t have to do any of this,” he said, feeling a tad overwhelmed.

“But I wanted to!” Matthau took hold of Tommi’s hand and pulled him along toward the kitchen table. “Sit down and I’ll serve dinner.” He grinned, liking the way that sounded and that he had someone to take care of.

Still feeling overwhelmed, Tommi sat down and stared at Matthau in surprise. “To be honest, I thought you’d be long gone by now. I’m running late since there were some last minute phone calls I had to make and…” The look Matthau shot him shut him up.

“I was asleep until about thirty minutes ago, so as far as I’m concerned, your timing is perfect!” Matthau placed the potatoes and steak onto their plates and then sat down. “I hope it’s edible.” It had been a while since he’d cooked dinner.

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Tommi forced himself to pick up his fork and knife and cut a small piece from the steak to try. “It’s really good,” he declared honestly.

Matthau tried the meat himself and nodded. “It’s okay.” As he continued to eat, he cast looks at Tommi, who looked lost. Maybe it was time for some distraction since he didn’t want Tommi to feel too overwhelmed. “Juha called today and asked me to make sure that we don’t have any plans for this Friday evening. It’s Chris’ birthday and Juha wants to throw him a party.”

Tommi nodded absentmindedly. The previous year he hadn’t gone to Chris’ birthday party because he hadn’t been able to find a date for the evening and hadn’t been in the mood to go alone. Maybe now that Matthau was around, he would go.

“That means we need to get him a present,” Matthau continued. “And I have no idea what!”

Tommi smiled. “You’re his brother. If you don’t know what to get him, how will the others know?”

“Ah, I still have two days left. I’ll go shopping tomorrow and hopefully I’ll find something.” Matthau peeked at Tommi. “Want to go together?”

Tommi quickly nodded. “That would be great.”

Matthau grinned. Tommi’s short answer and the fact that the blond refused to look at him showed how nervous the older man was. Moving his hand towards Tommi’s, he twined their fingers. The gesture finally made Tommi look at him and he smiled reassuringly. “There’s no reason to be tense...or nervous for that matter.”

“I’m not used to this. Having someone in my life waiting for me to get home and cooking me dinner…I don’t really know how to deal with it,” Tommi admitted softly.

“Deal with it?” Matthau shook his head. “You should enjoy it!” He rubbed Tommi’s fingers. Thinking everything over, he wondered what they had done wrong. What was missing? What was making it so hard for them to interact? “You know, maybe we’ve done too much talking.” According to his therapist, there was nothing like too much talking, but their conversations might be killing the romance. “Let me try something.”

Tommi’s eyes widened when Matthau shifted his chair closer to his. What was the other man going to do? And why was he still inching closer and why… Suddenly warm lips brushed his and Tommi sucked in his breath sharply. Why was Matthau kissing him?

Matthau smiled and pressed his lips more firmly against Tommi’s. The older man was frozen and Matthau realized that he had taken the blond completely by surprise. *This* was what had been missing. They *had* done too much talking and too little kissing – none, actually.

Tommi opened up instinctively when Matthau’s tongue demanded entry. Closing his eyes and cocking his head, he relaxed and began to enjoy the kiss, which was much more sensual than he had thought possible. Moaning softly, Tommi buried his fingers in Matthau’s shirt, pulling him closer still. The kiss deepened and both men moved closer while wrapping their arms around each other.

A few minutes later, Matthau had to break off the kiss to breathe. Feeling smug, he grinned at Tommi. “Better, don’t you think?” Tommi was flustered, but at least the nervousness had vanished from the other man’s face. “That one was overdue, don’t you agree?”

Tommi nodded. “You might be right.” He had thought and talked too much about their friendship and their changing relationship. He should have been reaching out and touching, kissing Matthau instead. “I’m not someone who reaches out easily. For some reason, I’m…” He sought for the right word. He wasn’t really shy nor was he *that* nervous. He simply wasn’t used to being so intimate with someone. “It takes time,” he offered eventually.

Matthau nodded. He had a good idea what Tommi was trying to tell him. “We’ll go slowly and I understand that you need time to get used to this. But let’s agree on talking less and kissing more?”

Tommi smiled. “Then why are you talking instead of kissing me?”

“Getting cocky?” Matthau grinned. “You made a point though.” Moving closer to Tommi, their lips met and the kiss deepened once more.

~~~

Chris was perfectly content with the way his life was going at the moment. Juha was still asleep in his arms and the sun was about to rise. The best thing though was that Juha hadn’t found out about his birthday. *The day* was that day and so far, there had been no signs that his lover had made plans for the evening. Though there was one thing that had made him suspicious.

Juha had taken the day off, but when asked why, Juha had told him that he wanted to do some final shopping for their home. To Chris’ horror, Juha had suggested they go to IKEA, but Chris had found a way to get out of it. Jonne had called and Chris had set the two up to go shopping together. Yes, everything in his little world was perfect. No birthday and no IKEA.

“Morning baby,” Chris whispered and Juha’s eyebrow instantly rose. Ever since he had found out how much it annoyed Juha to be called that, Chris loved to tease Juha a little. “Did you sleep well?”

“Call me that again and you’ll never be able to make babies again!” Juha threatened. When he had woken up, the first thing he had wanted to do was congratulate Chris on his birthday, but he had restrained himself just in time. Chris couldn’t know he knew!

Chris crawled on top of Juha. His hormones were acting up as he gazed at Juha hopefully. “Do we have time to…?”

Juha grinned. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Take me now while you get out of accompanying me to IKEA? Oh no, you’ll suffer. No sex for you this morning! Maybe, if you play it right, I’ll let you make love to me tonight.”

“You’re wicked,” Chris whispered huskily. He was aroused and needed Juha’s touch. “Please, I’m not above begging.” Turning his best puppy dog look on Juha, he hoped the redhead would show mercy.

/Ah well,/ Juha thought, /Why not let him have a birthday present in the morning?/ Brushing his lips against Chris’, he whispered, “What do you want, Chris? What do you want me to do?” Suddenly Chris seemed to grow shy on him and Juha studied the strangely nervous expression in those green eyes.

“I want to fuck you,” Chris murmured and bit his bottom lip hard.

The request made Juha instantly painfully hard. Having casual sex was maybe the last hurdle they had to take. They made love constantly, but they had never fucked and Juha *was* curious on whether there would be a difference. “Then why don’t you?”

“You’d let me?” Chris frowned in surprise. So far, he had never dared to approach Juha that way. It stemmed from the way they had first met and gotten together.

“Sure, why not? Why don’t you grab a condom and some lube?” Juha stretched when Chris left the bed and grinned predatorily. Making love for hours was wonderful, but how would a quick fuck make him feel? Juha purred as he turned onto his stomach and parted his legs a little, hoping to make Chris even hornier by presenting himself so wantonly.

Chris’ mouth went dry and his cock bone-hard when he caught sight of Juha. His heart thundered in his chest as he quickly climbed onto the bed again. “Like that?” he asked, checking to make sure that he wasn’t making a mistake in judgment.

“Like this, yes.” Juha sighed deeply and raised his ass a little. “I thought it was going to be a quick fuck?” he remarked cheekily and looked at Chris from over his shoulder. It was rewarding to see that he could still make his lover drool.

“Oh, yes, right…” Chris opened the package with trembling fingers and managed to roll down the condom. For some reason, the situation really excited him and he had to steady himself or else he’d come before the fun had started. “Want me to prepare you?” Lovingly, his fingers caressed Juha’s back until they ended up massaging the taunt buttocks. Bending down, he pressed kisses along his lover’s spine before playfully biting one buttock.

Juha chuckled. Were they going to make love or have a quickie? “Chris…”

Chris lost himself in the touches and the sensation of feeling Juha’s skin beneath his fingertips as he reverently kissed his way down from the nape of Juha’s neck to the entrance of his lover’s body.

Juha purred and closed his eyes. Okay, apparently a quickie also demanded foreplay in Chris’ book. A lubed finger entered his body and it made him claw at his pillow. “Chris, take me!”

Chris swallowed hard. He was ready to do so, but still hesitated to take Juha like that.

“Chris, come on! Fuck me, damn it!” Juha sounded firm and demanding as he raised his voice. He had a pretty good idea what was keeping Chris back and was deliberately trying to push him over the edge. “Fuck me, Chris!”

Reacting, Christus buried himself inside Juha’s body with one swift thrust. Chris arched his back and tried to bury himself even deeper inside the tight channel. “You’re…” Lost for words, Chris rubbed Juha’s lower back.

“Start moving, Chris!” Juha had trouble breathing. The penetration had been sudden and a sweet pain that would change to pleasure once Chris started moving. “Now Chris!” Pushing himself onto his hands and knees, Juha glanced commandingly at Chris. “Move it!”

Rising to the challenge, Chris slapped Juha’s butt and started to thrust fiercely, which had them both moaning within seconds. He felt like he would implode when Juha met each of his thrusts and moved with him. Burying his fingernails in Juha’s hips, he drove himself home time and time again.

Juha quickly wrapped his fingers around his cock and stroked firmly so he would come at the same time Chris did. Moving in unison, his breathing sped up.

Chris had never seen anything so sexy or exotic as Juha moving beneath him. Thrusting into the warm willing body, he drove them both to new heights. When Juha’s inner muscles contracted around his cock, Chris let go too. He managed to keep himself supported for a few seconds longer, but then collapsed on top of the redhead, who went down and ended up cradled by the mattress.

Nuzzling Juha’s neck, Chris licked the salty layer of sweat that had formed on the redhead’s shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered happily.

Juha turned his head and managed to make eye contact, reflecting the pleasure they’d had. “I love you too, Chris…even though that was hardly a quickie.”

“I’m incapable of fucking you it seems,” Chris mused. “I love you too much.”

Juha smiled at Chris and whispered, “Then you’ll have to make love to me for the rest of your life.”

Chris sighed and nodded. “I’ll do that for as long as I shall live.”

~~~

“Have a great time shopping, but don’t bring too much home,” Chris ordered as he kissed Juha goodbye. Jonne was already waiting for the redhead in the car and gesturing for Juha to hurry. “Thanks for not dragging me along.”

Juha returned the kiss and grinned. Let Chris think he’d won. “See you this evening, baby,” he said and wiggled an eyebrow. Chris looked at him in surprise, but Juha didn’t pay it any attention and turned toward the car.

Chris groaned. “Don’t call me baby!”

~~~

Instead of driving to IKEA, Jonne and Juha headed for the blond’s home where Jack, Antti, and Mikko were already waiting for them and helping with preparing snacks. Nakki was supervising the kitchen while Jay had offered to taste everything his friends prepared. As far as Nakki was concerned, that was good team work.

Juha checked on the birthday cake and liked the decoration Nakki had put on it. The last thing left to do was to put the candles on top of it.

“Looks great!” Nakki commented while looking the cake over with a professional eye. “Can I have the recipe?”

Juha nodded. “That is, if you help me put the candles on.” Nakki agreed and the two of them got to work.

“And Chris really believes you’re at IKEA?” Jack burst out laughing. This was too much! He was about to compliment Jonne and Juha on their scheming when his mobile phone rang. “Ui, it’s Chris! Everyone keep quiet!” he warned them before answering the call. Everyone stopped talking and looked his way. “Hei!”

“Hei! It’s me… But you probably already know that.”

“Yes, I did! So, what’s up?” Jack realized he had to be careful. He didn’t want Chris to grow suspicious.

“I’m safe. Juha has no idea it’s my birthday. Jonne and he just left for IKEA. Got anything to do? Want to come over for a drink?”

Ui, this was perfect! Jack grinned from ear to ear. Jonne had given him the task of luring Chris out of the house so they could prepare for the surprise party, so Chris suggesting that they had a drink was too perfect. “How about we hit the town?”

“That’s fine with me, but let’s avoid Amadeus for a change! I want something quieter and low key!”

“Sure, I’m okay with that!” Jack was about to suggest he pick Chris up when he realized that it would be a mistake since Jonne was supposed to use the car. “I’ll meet you at Pikku Papu!”

“That’s where you want to go for coffee, not beer!”

“But I want coffee!” Japa whined, knowing Chris wouldn’t be able to resist. “Come on, it’s two in the afternoon!”

“Okay then. I’ll be there. See you there!”

“See you!” Jack ended the conversation and grinned at Jonne. “Tell me how great I am, babe. I managed to get Chris out of the house and he’s going to stay sober since you only get coffee at Pikku Papu’s!”

“You’re amazing,” Jonne agreed and placed a teasing kiss on the tip of Jack’s nose. “And make sure you don’t get home early. Not before six, you got that?”

Jack nodded. “I’ll do my best!

~~~

It was half past seven when Jack and Chris arrived at the house. It had hardly taken Jack any effort to distract Chris. After enjoying some coffee, he had suggested that they go shopping, which Chris had jumped at, and after that, they’d had something to eat. Chris had been horrified though when he had realized how late it was and had told Jack that he had wanted to be home at six to prepare dinner for Juha. Jack had managed to calm him down by pointing out that thirty minutes didn’t make much of a difference and that, knowing Jonne the way he did, they wouldn’t make it on time anyways. It had reassured Chris, so they had shared a taxi home.

“Want to come inside for coffee before you head home?”Chris asked as he exited the taxi.

“Sure, why not?”Jack grinned. It meant he didn’t have to sneak inside later.

Chris frowned as they approached the front door. “The lights are on. Damn, Juha’s already home!” He had wanted to surprise his love with a home cooked meal. Ever since he had gotten over his fear of cooking pasta and burning the sauce, he had learned to enjoy cooking – especially for Juha!

Jack grinned. It was getting harder to contain his mirth, so he shrugged when Chris glanced at him in annoyance. This was great. Christus had no idea what was going on! Chris would be surprised!

“Why are you grinning like that?” Chris searched for the key, but when he didn’t find it right away, he rang the doorbell. He knew he had put it somewhere…

~~~

“Everyone quiet now! Jack’s with him!” Mikko had been standing guard and had caught sight of the taxi. “Chris looks frustrated for some reason.”

Juha grinned. “That’s probably because he didn’t expect me to be home already.” He looked about, checking everything. Antti, Nakki, and Jay were in the kitchen, making sure there was enough food. Ville and Lauri were in charge of drinks. Since they were only having non-alcoholic drinks, it was the perfect job for them. Matthau and Tommi had shown up holding hands and were in charge of the music and were debating what CD to put on next. They stopped arguing though at Mikko’s warning. “Everyone hide now!”

Everyone started to search frantically for a place to hide. Juha looked as serious as he was capable of and headed for the front door and opened it after making sure no one showed.

“You’re home early!” Chris looked at the redhead in surprise. “I didn’t think Jonne would let you go that quickly.”

“I got everything I needed, which wasn’t that much to begin with. Oh, hello Jack. Why don’t you come inside?”

“Kiitos!” Jack smiled at Juha and looked about. Everyone was hiding perfectly. He knew Chris would catch on quickly though with the smells coming from the kitchen.

“What did you cook?” Chris gazed curiously at Juha. He smelled several fragrances.

“Something fancy.”Juha glanced conspiratorially at Japa before shoving Chris into the living room. Before he sprang his surprise on Chris, he wanted to have a little chat with his lover. “Chris darling…”

Chris cringed. First baby and now darling? What had he done to deserve that?

“Why didn’t you tell me that it’s a special day for you today?”

Chris cringed again. Ui, that was bad. Juha was on to him! “What do you mean?”

Juha shook his head and looked deceitfully sweet. He turned Chris around and pointed at the birthday cake on the coffee table with its candles alight and burning happily. “Surprise!” he called out and at that, everyone jumped from their hiding places.

Chris looked about in shook. No, this wasn’t happening! Juha hadn’t found out, had he?

“Why didn’t you tell me?”Juha asked as he pulled Chris into his arms. “Why keep it a secret?”

"Because now I have to share you with them," Chris said with a pout. "And I want you all to myself. I'm selfish." Chris didn't get a chance to pout for long though as his friends all stepped up to him to wish him a happy birthday. He forced himself to smile and after a few minutes he began to relax and realize that it was actually nice to have his friends with him.

~~~~

Juha and Chris ended up on the couch eventually, snuggled close and watching the others play Truth or Dare. The most interesting moment so far had been when Jonne had dared Tommi to kiss Matthau in public. While Tommi had blushed to the roots of his hair, he had accepted the challenge and had kissed Matthau, just like Jonne had demanded he should.

Chris caught Matthau's pleased look and nodded at his brother. He liked the way Matthau and Tommi looked together, even though the thought of them being together like that took some time getting used to.

"What are you thinking of?" Juha asked and directed Chris' gaze back to him.

"I was thinking how great this is having them here." Chris' gaze shifted away from Juha and back to Jonne and Jack, who were holding hands. Jonne's eyes were big as they followed the spinning bottle, trying to predict who would fall victim to it next. Then Chris looked at Ville and Lauri, who had wisely not gotten involved in the game and were making out in a shadowed corner of the room.

Mikko suddenly cried out victoriously as the bottle landed on Antti since it was his turn to ask “Truth or Dare" and obviously get some much wanted revenge on his lover. Chris was glad Antti had found someone too, especially someone as kind and caring as Mikko.

Matthau chuckled loudly and Chris grinned as well as Antti had to do an impression of a big, hairy spider. His brother was leaning heavily against Tommi, who had wrapped an arm around him. Yes, those two would work out eventually.

And where did that leave him? Right where he wanted to be: in Juha's arms!

THE END

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