Title: Follow Your Heart

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Pairing: Eero/Arttu and Tommi/Juha (Ville/Pasi implied)

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Tommi and Juha get to know each other better and Arttu tries to convince Eero to get their own place.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended.

All mistakes are mine.

You better Follow Your Heart
Don't let no-one else do your livin' for you
Follow Your Heart
And to yourself and no-one else always be true

Part 1

It’s our last evening at the beach and I have mixed emotions about going home. Although I loved spending time here with Arttu, I also long to be reunited with my brothers. Once we’re in Tampere, I’ll have their company again, but I’ll also have to share Arttu.

“Here’s your hot chocolate,” Arttu says. He hands me the mug and sits down on the couch next to me. “Be careful though: it’s hot!” Arttu blows onto the surface of his hot chocolate and gives me an expectant look.

“I’ll be careful,” I promise and continue to study my boyfriend. Our relationship has changed during our time here. Three days ago, I allowed Arttu to touch me intimately and everything turned out great. We brought each other to orgasm and I’ve felt happy and at peace ever since. From that day on, I haven’t had any nightmares – which is rare – and I feel generally more comfortable in my skin.

“We’re heading back home tomorrow,” Arttu says after sipping from his drink. “I’m excited about seeing Antti and the guys again, but I’ll miss having you to myself. The days we spent here were special.”

“I agree… I’ll never forget our time together here… Maybe, if we save money, we can go away for another short trip? We don’t need to drive up to Oulu: maybe we can find something closer to home?”

Arttu nods. “I like that idea…” He grows silent and enjoys his drink.

“When do you want to leave tomorrow?” That way, I know what to expect.

“At noon? There’s no need to rush… Let’s do everything in our own pace. I’ll need lots of coffee though… It’s a long drive back home!”

Arttu notices that I’m studying him and cocks his head. He stares back at me and when I look away, Arttu puts his mug onto the coffee table. He moves closer and takes my mug from my hand. I raise my head, frown at him, but allow him to put my mug next to his. “What’s going on?” Why did he steal my drink away from me?

“Eero…” Arttu pauses and seems to search for words. He bites onto his bottom lip and frowns. “Three days ago, you made me very happy. You allowed yourself to take the next step and being together in that way deepened our love.”

Damn it: Arttu’s making me blush. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I loved it and you know it,” Arttu chides me, but then he makes up for it and kisses me on the lips. “Before I left Tampere, I went into town to buy something…”

I have no idea what he’s babbling about. “Arttu?”

“Hush, listen…”

Arttu reaches behind him and uncovers a small jewelry box, which he must have hidden behind the pillows. I wonder why he’s showing it to me. I shrug helplessly and look toward Arttu for an explanation as to what this is about.

“I know it’s too early to propose, don’t worry,” Arttu says and winks.

My heart misses a beat. Propose? What the hell is he talking about? “Arttu?”

“You’ll understand soon. Eero, I want this to be official… I want everyone to see that we’re together, so I went and bought these…”

Arttu opens the box and two silver rings appear. I feel short of breath all of a sudden and blink at Arttu in surprise. Did he really buy rings?

“They’re called friendship rings…” Arttu removes one of the rings and shows it to me. “Simple but solid…They remind me of our love. We had to overcome many problems and we’re still not there yet – I know that. But we’re heading in the right direction. Eero, would you wear this ring? I want to give you something solid – something tangible that reminds you of our love whenever you feel unhappy.”

Emotions choke up my throat and I’m not sure I can talk. I stare at the ring, then at Arttu, and nod eventually. “I’d be honored,” I manage in the end. “Arttu, you didn’t have to do this!” But the fact that he *did* makes my eyes swim. I fight back my tears and swallow nervously. “Are you sure about this?”

“Of course, I am. Eero, I wouldn’t have gotten them otherwise!” Arttu laughs and shakes his head at me. “You are the only one for me. I don’t want to be with anyone else!”

I nod again and tell myself not to be that insecure. Arttu loves me and wants to be with me. “I’ll wear your ring…”

“Great!”

Arttu puts the jewelry box onto his knee, takes my left hand in his, and slides the ring into place. It’s a perfect fit! “How did you know what size to get?”

“Jonne helped,” Arttu hints and grins wickedly.

“Jonne knew about this? He was in on it? And he didn’t tell me?” Oh, I will definitely have a talk with Jonne when I get back home! How does he dare to hold out on me?

“Don’t be angry with him. I asked him to remain quiet, as I wanted to surprise you. Looks good on you!”

Arttu seems pleased and his eyes twinkle as he looks at the ring on my finger. There’s another ring in the box though and I’m curious to find out what he’s going to do now. Arttu grows shy all of a sudden. He calms down, his excitement decreases, and he looks at me from beneath his eyelashes – almost timidly. “I bought two,” he hints, but doesn’t follow through.

He’s leaving it up to me then. I’m not surprised – not really. Arttu is like that. “Does that mean you want me to slip that ring down your finger?”

“If you want that… Eero, I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”

Seeing him insecure breaks my heart. I never wanted him to doubt himself. “You did everything right, Arttu. It’s a sweet thing to do, but you did surprise me. I didn’t expect you to pop the question so soon.” Arttu frowns and I shake my head. “You might not realize what you’re doing, but I do. You said you don’t want to propose, but that’s what you’re doing. You want to make it official. And you know what? I’m okay with that… It took me a moment to understand what’s going on, but my answer is, yes… I’ll wear your ring and I will do so proudly. And you’ll wear the other ring because I’m going to put it on your finger. It’s okay, Arttu…We’re together…”

“But I’m not proposing…”

I place a finger against his lips and he shuts up. “Arttu, give me your hand.” Arttu does as he’s told, but the puzzled expression remains on his face. I slide the ring down his finger and twine our fingers. “This is the way it should be, Arttu. Everything is right.” Arttu however remains confused. “Don’t worry about it,” I say and lean in closer to press a kiss onto his lips. “The rings are a great idea, and one day, I will have them engraved… And who knows, maybe I will propose to you!” Arttu’s bewildered look makes me chuckle. Normally Arttu confuses me, but this time I managed to stun him. Actually, I like it this way. “Close your mouth, dear…”

Arttu blinks and swats at my chest. “This is not the way I planned it!”

“Does it matter? You made me happy. That’s what counts, isn’t it?”

Arttu needs a moment to think it over, but then nods. “You’re right, I guess…” His stupor lifts and he smiles. “You’re wearing my ring!”

It’s good to see him excited again. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Arttu stares at the ring at his finger and grins. “And you put that one on me! That means you love me and want to be with me!”

“Arttu, you’re scaring me!” I know Arttu’s a romantic at heart, but I didn’t think this would affect him so greatly! Maybe I need to pay him more attention. I might have missed clues in the past because I focused on my problems instead. I should definitely plan something private when we’re home again. Maybe take him out for dinner or treat him to something special.

Suddenly a melody cuts through the living room and it takes me a moment to realize that it’s my cell phone. I should switch the damn thing off in the future!

“Aren’t you going to answer that?”

The disruption doesn’t seem to displease Arttu, who’s still looking at the ring on his finger. “You don’t mind?”

“Why should I? You’re wearing my ring – I’m happy!” Arttu leans his upper body against me and wraps an arm around me. “You’re mine now!”

I chuckle at hearing his smug tone and decide against ruining his illusions of grandeur. I fish my cell phone from my pocket and look at the display. Tommi’s calling and I answer it. “Hello, Tommi!”

“Hello Eero! I hope I’m not calling at a bad time?”

I sigh – if only Tommi knew! “I have a moment to spare,” I reply, cunningly avoiding answering his question.

“Great! I have a question for you, but feel free to decline, if you’re not up for it!”

Tommi’s making me curious. Normally he’s always direct. “What do you want from me?” Honestly? I would love to help Tommi for a change. Normally he’s the one getting me out of trouble!

“Juha wants to visit this weekend, but his car broke down. Then I recalled that you’re driving home tomorrow… Would it be okay if Juha tagged along?”

That’s his big request? And he worried about me declining? “Juha’s welcome to drive home with us. He can help keep Arttu awake… Or wait, you said that his car broke down? That means he has a driving license and he switch places with Arttu if he grows tired!”

Tommi laughs. “You plan on making Juha work for the lift!”

“Not really… But seriously, Tommi. It’s not a problem! Juha’s welcome to join us.” I exchange a quick look with Arttu, who nods his head. Arttu’s happy about me accepting his ring and would let me get away with murder. “Should we pick him up? Or is he meeting us downtown?”

“I’ll give Juha your phone number. That way he can call you and you can set something up.”

“That’s fine with me…” I smile at Arttu, who snuggles up to me. “And Tommi, thanks for letting Arttu and me stay here… These days have been amazing…”

“I’m glad I could help out! You deserved some time off with Arttu! Okay, I have to go now: I have a meeting in five minutes…”

“I’ll wait for Juha to call then… Bye, Tommi!”

“Bye, Eero, and thanks!”

I put my phone on the coffee table and move into Arttu’s arms when he pulls me into them. “You don’t mind Juha joining us?”

“Why should I? I’m much too curious about this mysterious guy you told me about. I still find it hard to believe that Tommi’s attracted to another man to begin with and I want to know what his type is where men are concerned!”

Ah, curiosity made him agree so easily! I should have known. “I met Juha twice – he’s a bit on the feminine side, but not overly. You wouldn’t mistake him for a girl…”

“Stop that! You’re only making me even more curious!”

I grin, but then have mercy on him. “So what should I tell Juha?”

“That we’ll pick him up at noon. Make sure you ask for his address. Our navigational system will take us right to his doorstep!”

I’m about to make myself more comfortable when the phone rings again. “Juha’s quick!” I pick up the phone and answer it. It’s Juha all right.

“Hey! Tommi said it was okay for me to call you…”

“Yes, it is and you’re welcome to join us tomorrow. You can help me keep Arttu awake so he won’t fall asleep behind the wheel!”

Juha chuckles softly. “Sure, I can do that… At what time do you want me to be ready?”

“We will pick you up at twelve tomorrow…Can you give me your address?” Juha tells me the name of the street he lives at and the number of his apartment. “You might want to wait downstairs so you can hop into the car… I will give you a call, should we run late!”

“Thanks, Eero, I appreciate it!”

“It’s no problem! We’ll see you tomorrow then!”

I end the call, and this time I switch off the phone, as I don’t want to get interrupted again. “Now, what were we talking about?”

“I’m done talking,” Arttu hints and grins. “How about kissing?”

Kissing sounds fine with me and I let Arttu have his wicked way with me.

~~~

Later that evening, when we’re in bed, I move into Arttu’s arms. I watch the still illuminated sky through the window as I decided against closing the curtains. I want the light to warm our room.

“Eero? Don’t think I’m pushing you, but did you consider us getting our own place?”

I knew Arttu wouldn’t let the matter rest for long. He has to try again: it shows how much he wants us to live together. “I did,” I admit, “But I’m not sure we’re ready.”

“And why is that?” Arttu’s lips move across my brow and settle for pressing a kiss onto my hair.

“How do you want to pay for it? We lack the money…”

“We could get part time jobs,” Arttu suggests. “The alternative is living with our brothers until we graduate and start to work. That might be another four years.”

Arttu’s right of course, but our problems remain. “We can look for jobs,” I give in. “But let’s not search for an apartment yet. We need money to buy furniture and to pay the bills when they start to come in.” Arttu sighs and his expression darkens. I hate being the voice of reason, but someone needs to say it. “Hey, you’re free to stay overnight whenever you want and Antti has no problems with me being at your place either.”

“I know that, but still… I want a place that is solely ours.”

“Be patient a little longer, all right?” I didn’t know Arttu wanted this so much. He really envisions his future with me at his side, and although I don’t want to be without him either, I don’t feel the need to rush things. “Life’s good at the moment. Let’s not jinx it.” Arttu nods, but his expression tells me that this won’t be the last time we discussed it. He will bring it up again in the near future.

In order to distract him, I push myself onto my elbow and lean against him. Arttu catches on, brings his arms up behind my back, and pulls me on top of him. I find myself straddling him and I smile at him. Strands of his dark hair found their way into his face and I lovingly tuck them behind his ears. I lost most of my trepidations when we were intimate the other day, but this is still new to me and I need to get used to feeling him beneath me.

“Eero? Would you like to…?”

Arttu seems at a loss for words, but I understand the hint. We’re both aroused and he gives me a needful look. And why not? I want to touch him again – in that way -- and so I nod. “I’d love to.”

Arttu smiles and touches my face with his fingertips. “I love you so much…” His hand settles at the nape of my neck and he pulls me toward him so we can kiss. I part my mouth in order to allow his tongue in and kiss him back. I take my time and I love hearing him groan when I break off our kiss. “Let me…” I slide down his legs until I straddle his thighs and let my fingers glide down his chest.

“Eero…”

Arttu closes his eyes at the touch and thrusts his pelvis upward. My weight pushes him down though and he whimpers needy. “Hush…” I feel empowered and in control due to the position I’m in and I realize that I enjoy seeing Arttu at my mercy. I can give him pleasure—I’m the one who can make him come. That thought makes me feel light-headed and I understand how much joy there is to be found in giving pleasure instead of merely receiving it. “I’ll make you feel good,” I whisper into Arttu’s ear. Yes, I could get used to being the one calling the shots.

“Please…”

Arttu’s whisper stirs the blood in my lower body and my arousal deepens. But no, I want to focus on Arttu’s pleasure – not mine. I curl my fingers around his cock and Arttu thrusts into my fist. Arttu’s whimpers grow louder and it makes me take control. I start to stroke in earnest, but vary speed and pressure. Arttu’s eyes open and I see the need in them. I lean in closer, cover his lips with mine, and kiss him. Arttu surges beneath me and erupts all over my hand and his abdomen.

“Damn it… I want it to last longer…”

Arttu sounds frustrated and I understand why. “You’re too much on edge. Once we do it more often, you’ll last longer…” Arttu nods and a strange expression appears in his eyes. “What?” I ask in a suspicious voice, knowing he’s up to no good.

“I want to make you come too…” Arttu pants the words and rolls me onto my back.

I have no time to protest the move as he’s awfully quick about it. “Arttu, what are you up to?”

“Do me a favor and close your eyes?” Arttu requests.

I’m not sure I should, but in the end, I nod. “But I’ll open them again if I want to.”

“Of course…”

Arttu licks his lips and straddles my thighs. He strokes my abdomen and has a thoughtful look on his face, which stops me from keeping my word. I continue to look at him. “Arttu?”

Arttu sighs deeply and then looks at me like he made a decision right there and then. “Can you spread your legs for me?”

I blink in surprise. “What?” He can’t be serious! I won’t let him take me! No fucking way! My erection weakens and threatens to go away.

“Don’t worry… Straddling you won’t work for what I have in mind… Trust me?”

I feel guilty for thinking badly about him. Arttu wouldn’t take me against my will. He would discuss the option with me and we would only take that step if I was okay with it. I don’t know Arttu’s plans, but I do know that he won’t violate my trust in him. I part my legs and Arttu kneels in between them. What the hell is he up to?

“I’ve wanted to do this for weeks,” Arttu whispers while caressing the insides of my thighs. The touch makes me hard again, and when Arttu bends forward, he licks my right nipple with such passion that it makes me groan. “Arttu…” I didn’t know my nipples were so damn sensitive and the sensation travels directly to my groin!

“You like that,” Arttu grins victoriously and then his lips move onto my left nipple. At the same time, he rolls the other nipple between his fingertips and even tugs at the hardened flesh. In order to savor the sensation even more, I close my eyes and my body comes alive beneath Arttu’s touch. I moan in disappointment when his lips move lower, but I raise my hips in response when Arttu places kisses down my abdomen. He still tugs, twirls, and squeezes my nipples and I squirm beneath him.

Suddenly a wet tongue laps at my cock and I open my eyes in surprise. I raise my head in order to stare at Arttu, who seems immensely pleased at having reached his goal. “You don’t…” I don’t want him to do that – I know what’s like to go down on someone and he’ll start gagging and maybe even throwing up. It’s a revolting act and…

“Eero, I want to do this… Are you okay with that?”

Arttu caresses my skin and at the same time, he presses kisses onto my length. He keeps looking at me and I don’t know what to do or say. Arttu’s asking me for permission – should I give it? Or stop him from doing this? But he said himself that he wants to do it… “Only if you really want it…” I force my memories deeper into my mind, as I don’t want to think about what happened in that darkened room all those years ago. This is different – this is consensual and Arttu wants to do it.

“Trust me; I want to taste you…”

I still waver, but then I nod. I don’t speak, as I don’t trust my voice. Arttu smiles at me, returns the nod, and takes to slowly stroking my erection. He winks at me and licks down my abdomen toward my cock. I refuse to close my eyes though, as I need to see him. I plan on stopping him the moment he grows uncomfortable. But Arttu doesn’t seem concerned and dives in enthusiastically. He laps at the head of my erection and sucks and squeezes my cock at the same time, using just the right amount of pressure to make me whimper in need.

I forget about wanting to keep an eye on him, as a lustful sensation sweeps over me. A burning feeling grows in my lower body and I throw back my head in surrender. Rational thought ceases to exist as my body turns into needful lust. I need to find release – I need relief from this fire that burns me. The wet warmth that encloses me draws me in deeper and I start to fall. My body rears in impending orgasm and I’m about to lose my mind. Instinct makes me thrust into Arttu’s mouth, and when I spill myself, I bite onto my bottom lip. I don’t want to scream, but in the end, I can’t keep silent and scream Arttu’s name.

Soothing hands stroke my hair and I stare at Arttu in surprise. I’m starting to realize what has happened, but I still feel afloat on intense sensations. Arttu gathers me in his arms, moves closer, and kisses my brow.

“Calm down… I don’t want you to suffer a heart attack!”

I smile at him in order to reassure him. I read concern in his eyes and I regret making him worry. “I’m…okay… My God… what did you do? I never…felt like that…before! I felt like I was going to explode!”

“You did,” Arttu says and chuckles. “Right into my mouth…”

Looking more closely at him, I catch the smugness in his eyes and I wonder why he feels so damn pleased about making me come in this way.

“I love giving head,” Arttu reveals eventually. “I love being able to give you that – to make you lose control. You surrendered to me, and because you did, I could make you come…”

I swallow nervously. “I didn’t know it was possible to enjoy that…” I don’t want to taint this experience, but I need to be honest. I need Arttu to understand. “In the past –he- made me go down on him… I always ended up gagging and he’d get angry with me… Afterwards… I would throw up…and shower for hours… I wanted to rid myself of him. He had dirtied me and I wanted him gone.” Arttu’s expression registers with me and I know I spoilt the moment. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have brought it up… My mistake… Sorry…”

Arttu however shakes his head. “No, don’t be sorry... It’s a good thing that you told me… You’re right – I need to know these things. I’m not angry with you… And I understand why you’re telling me this now… It brought everything back, didn’t it?”

“Not exactly… I can lock out the memories… But that doesn’t mean they’re gone… They sit in the back of my mind, and if I’m not careful, they’ll come out in the open. But I can control them…” I still regret telling Arttu about the abuse. I shouldn’t have done that – not after he brought me to orgasm.

“Eero?” Arttu straddles my lower body and waits for me to make eye-contact. When I do, he caresses my face, and smiles warmly at me. “You did well to tell me – really… Now we can move past that point.”

I’m glad he forgives me for ruining the moment. I wrap my arms around him, pull him against him, and press a kiss against his throat. “Thank you for coming into my life, Arttu. I’m nothing without you.”

“That’s nonsense,” Arttu whispers back. He raises his head so he can make eye contact again. “You’re an amazing person and I’m grateful we’re together.”

Arttu always knows what to say in order to reassure me and I hug him closer. I draw in a deep breath, release it, and chase away all doubt. Arttu loves me and we’re together. I wear his ring and he wears mine. Everything’s fine between us, and even I screw up, he’ll forgive me… This must be true love…

TBC

Part 2

“It took additional time to track him down, as you couldn’t provide us with much information. We relied on old paperwork from the home your brother had lived at and that was all we had.”

“I understand why it took time,” I explain to the private detective which I hired to find Eero’s foster father. “You had to research the history yourself and I don’t mind paying extra as long as you’ve found the bastard.” I can’t help it – I’m still angry. Even though the abuse happened over a decade ago, I’m still furious that Eero had to live through it. If only I had known he existed back then! Then I would have intervened!

“That’s him. His name is Vesa Rauramo. He’s forty-two years old and currently unemployed. His wife demanded a divorce shortly after your brother left their family – he has no children of his own. I talked to his neighbors and they’re under the impression that he’s an alcoholic. He also has a reputation for being aggressive.”

“Thank God the guy lives in Turku and not in Tampere.” I don’t want Eero to run into his nemesis by accident. I study the guy from the safe distance of the car. Kimmo, the private detective, offers me a pair of binoculars and I accept. I stare at the monster in disgust. How dare he touch a boy like that! I want to extract revenge, but I had better not touch the guy. It would get me into trouble with the law and Eero doesn’t need such complications. “I want you to keep an eye on him.”

“I can do that. Would you like a weekly report?”

I know it will cost me, but I don’t care. “Yes, and alert me the moment he leaves town… Especially if he heads for Tampere. In that case, I want to know so immediately.” Eero’s safety comes first. Kimmo takes notes and underlines my instructions.

Vesa doesn’t seem to be a threat at the moment, but I’m not taking risks. Vesa suddenly turns his head, like he knows he’s being watched, and I get a good look at his face. Yes, I understand why I remind Eero of that bastard. Our features aren’t identical, but his are square like mine. And he wears his hair in a ponytail – blond, but dirtied hair. I despise the man – no, not a man – a monster. I return the binoculars to Kimmo and repress the shivers that shake me. “Get me the hell out of here.”

Kimmo starts the car and drives me back to my apartment. I get out of the car, walk over to the apartment building, and enter it. I don’t plan on staying long: I merely want to pick up my overnight bag and then I’m gone again. Juha will visit tomorrow and I want my place spotless. Focusing on Juha helps me calm down. I remind myself that I can keep Eero safe this time around: I’ve found Vesa and I will keep him away from Eero.

~~~

I drop my bag in the hallway and head for the kitchen – I need coffee, damnit! I make sure the coffee maker runs smoothly and grab a mug. I pour sugar and milk into it – lot’s of it, and watch the coffee drip into the pot. Faster – move faster!

Although I try to make light of seeing Vesa, I feel shaken. I would have loved to beat him up and kick him – hurt him as much as he had hurt Eero, but I can’t. I must find a way to rid myself of my aggression and decide to go for a long walk later – maybe I’ll even go running. That might help.

My coffee is ready and I add it to the contents of my mug. After stirring, I sip, and close my eyes in bliss. I really needed that. Taking my drink with me, I walk into the living room and collapse onto the couch. Turku isn’t that far away from Tampere—let’s hope the bastard never decides to leave town! I also need to make sure that Eero has no reason to go to Turku!

Looking about, I realize that my apartment is a mess. When did I clean the place for the last time? Must be some weeks ago! I wanted to hire a cleaning lady, but I never got around to doing it! Okay, that’s the first thing I’ll do in the morning – clean. I hate cleaning – hate it with a passion, but I’ll brave the horror for Juha’s sake. I want him to feel welcome and at home here.

I would love to hear Juha’s voice right now. For the past few days, we talked on the phone daily, but I can’t call him now as he’s working late. That way, he can leave early tomorrow. When I lie in bed, alone at night, I wonder if everything really happened. Did I really meet Juha? And does he really like me in turn?

He actually agreed to spend the weekend at my place and I hope I won’t screw up. I don’t want to make a bad impression! I want him to like me! I finish the coffee and put the mug on the coffee table. A quick look at the clock tells me that it’s only nine in the evening. What do I do now? I switch on the television, but I’m not interested in the garbage they’re broadcasting so I switch it off again.

Maybe I should go back to my original idea and go for a walk – or run. The sun still illuminates the heavens: these days, it doesn’t grow dark and one could mistake night for day. Okay, it’s settled then – I’m going running. I need to drain this energy or it will drive me mad.

~~~

Why the hell did I decide to go jogging? I lean against the wall, pant heavily, and try to get my breath back. I used to be in a good shape when I still played hockey, but everything went down the drain after that. Those eight kilometers were too much for me! Oh, Ville would let me have it if he saw me like this. I’m so happy that my brother lives at the other end of town!

I open the door to my apartment and tumble inside. I manage to drag myself into the living room and drop onto the couch. I really need to get back into shape – it’s a matter of personal honor! I throw back my head and try to slow down my breathing – how embarrassing!

Ten minutes later, I recovered somewhat and walk into the bathroom. What I need right now is a long shower – preferably a cold one! I strip and drop my clothes into the laundry basket. I step into the shower cabin and turn the faucet. Cool water drips down my face and I close my eyes in bliss. This is heaven! I reach for the shampoo, work it into my hair, and struggle with the long strands. In the past I considered cutting it short, but in the end, I decided not to follow through. My hair is a part of me and I don’t want to be without it.

Five minutes later, I step out of the shower cabin, wrap my hair up in a towel, and shrug into an evening robe. I end up on the couch again, this time, nursing a cold, non-alcoholic, beer. It’s hard to believe that Juha will be here at the same time tomorrow. I’m looking forward to having his company – his teasing distracts me, and now that I know that I want him in my life, I want him close.

As I empty the bottle, I decide on a plan for tomorrow morning. I’ll get up at eight, clean the apartment, and buy groceries after I get back from work. I’ll prepare Juha’s bed in the guest room and then I’ll call Juha so I know when he’ll arrive. I’ll be busy most of the day and I like that way – it will keep me from brooding.

I put the bottle on the coffee table, get to my feet, and head for my bed. I lose my evening robe and slip between the covers. Hopefully, Juha will prefer my bed to the one in the guestroom, but I don’t want to assume anything. I’ll leave it up to him.

After punching my pillow into the desired shape, I press deeper into the mattress, and smile in a silly way. I want tomorrow to be here already so I can hold Juha in my arms.

~~~

Done -- finished – finally! I cleaned most of the apartment and I hope it will do. As long as Juha doesn’t examine the floor in detail, I should get away with it. I’ll hire a cleaning lady first thing on Monday so I don’t have to go through this ordeal again.

I take a quick shower as I feel dirty after cleaning up and dress for the day. Thankfully I don’t need to attend any meetings today. I merely need to make a few calls, read some contracts, and that should be it. I expect to spend two, maybe three, hours at the office and then I’m off to the supermarket.

~~~

In the end, I spent four hours at the office. The people I needed to call weren’t in and the contracts had flaws in them, which I needed to rectify. But I made it to the supermarket at last and fill up my cart with all kind of stuff. I don’t know what Juha’s favorite dishes are – except for lasagna --, so I end up getting a little bit of everything.

When I need to pay, I have to pick up my jaw from the floor as I didn’t count on it being that expensive! But I pay for the groceries and haul them into my car. Once I’m seated behind the wheel, I force myself to draw in a series of deep breaths. Juha’s visiting, and although it’s a major thing where I’m concerned, the world won’t cease to exist. I need to get my nerves under control!

I drive home, store the food into the fridge and cupboards, and check the time. It’s three PM and I need to find out when Juha will get here. He sent me a text message earlier, but as I was in the middle of balancing the groceries, I couldn’t check on it. I uncover my phone, access his message, and read what he’s written.

<Tommi, hey! Arttu will drop me off at your place around four PM… I’ll contact you again, should we end up being late!>

Ah, that answers my question. I don’t need to call Juha after all. Four PM… That’s one hour I can drive myself crazy in while waiting for him. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. The phone rings and I answer at once, as I’m eager for distraction! “Tommy here…”

“It’s me…”

I recognize Jonne’s voice at once. “Calling so soon? We had lunch only yesterday!” I chuckle though – I know why he’s calling; Jonne’s curious.

“Is he there yet?”

I knew it! “No, Juha isn’t. He sent me a message though – he should arrive within the hour.” Let the interrogation begin!

“Did you clean the place like you said you would? Did you buy food? Is the guestroom ready and did you put fresh bed linen on your bed in case Juha wants to sleep there?”

“Yeah, Jonne, I did all that – now stop nagging! I’m nervous already and you’re making it worse!”

“I’m sorry,” Jonne whispers in a tiny voice. “I just want to help!”

I sigh. “I know that – you’re forgiven.” Normally Jonne would start to talk again, but this time he remains quiet. “What’s up?”

“Did you find that guy? Eero’s foster father? You mentioned going to Turku because your private detective had located him there.” Jonne sounds nervous.

“I did…” I draw in a deep breath. “He doesn’t look like a menace – I mean, I saw him and he doesn’t look threatening, but knowing what he did, I looked at him in a different way.”

“Does he really look like you?” Jonne sounds hesitant – like he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

“A bit – I understand why Eero made the connection. Jonne, I don’t like it that he lives in Turku – it’s too damn close to Tampere. Why can’t he live in Oulu, or even up further north? We need to make sure that Eero has no reason to go there, and should he ever want to go to Turku, one of us should tag along.”

“You’re scared they might run into each other – I get that. I’ll keep a close eye on Eero the moment he gets home. We should tell Arttu as well. He can help us keep Eero safe.”

“Yeah, you tell him – and make sure that Eero doesn’t find out about it. He won’t like it that we’re going behind his back, even if it’s in his best interest.”

“Tommi, would Juha and you like to come over for dinner tomorrow? Or do you want to be on your own? I’d understand that too.”

“I’ll ask Juha about it,” I tell Jonne. “I don’t want to make that decision for him.” Although I want Juha to myself, I don’t mind having dinner with my brothers, as Juha will be close at any rate.

“I hope the two of you will have a great time! I’m really happy for you, Tommi! Just when I had given up hope that you would fall in love, you do!”

I roll my eyes at Jonne’s tone. “Jonne, we’re getting to know each other. Don’t make this into something big.”

“But the fact that Juha’s staying with you is a good sign! It really is!”

Knowing my brother the way I do, I know he’s only getting started. He’ll line up Juha’s qualities and then he’ll start explaining why Juha and I will work out. I have to stop him before he starts again. “Jonne, listen, I…” Suddenly someone blows his horn rather loudly, and feeling irritated, I look out at the street beneath me. I stare at the car in shock, realizing Juha’s getting out and waving at Arttu and Eero. “Jonne, I’ve got to go – now! Juha’s here!”

I don’t wait for Jonne to reply and simply sever the connection. Eero points Juha into the right direction and he heads for my apartment building. Damn, I have to be quick now! I grab my keys, march out of the apartment, and leap down the stairs. Juha’s probably searching for my name on the board and I feel victorious when I open the main door. “Hello,” I whisper and try to ignore the fact that I’m out of breath due to running downstairs.

Juha looks absolutely radiant. His eyes sparkle mischievously and his smile tells me that he has figured me out. Damn, why can’t I play it cool? Does my hunger for him show in my eyes? I simply can’t get enough of looking at him. He tugged his hair beneath a black beanie and wears a black coat.

“Hey, are you going to ask me inside or do you want me to camp out here?” Juha asks while smiling brightly. My reaction obviously amuses him and I can’t blame him. I must look thunderstruck!

“Sorry, please, come inside… “ Realizing it’s best if I’m honest, I add, “I’m happy to see you…”

“I figured as much!” Juha steps inside and looks about. “So, lead on and show me my new home for the next few days.”

I take Juha’s hand in mine and lead him up the stairs. “Don’t expect a luxurious penthouse or something like that,” I warn him.

“Don’t worry, I don’t. You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who would go for that. Jonne maybe, but not you.”

I’m impressed: he figured out both of us. “You’re right – Jonne likes to surround himself with a certain amount of luxury.” I open the front door and step aside. “Welcome, Juha.” Juha steps into the apartment and smiles. He doesn’t seem disappointed at all. My home is a typical bachelor home.

“It’s fine with me,” Juha says and turns around. He reaches behind me and closes the door. Once it’s closed, he moves toward me, and places his hands on my hips. “Do I get a welcome kiss?”

I should have known that Juha wouldn’t waste any time. He barely made it inside and is already making advances. “Do you want one?” I want to kiss him like mad, but I don’t want him to know I’m that eager. Two can play this game!

“Preferably two… I wouldn’t mind getting three either…”

Juha moves closer still and his arms travel up my back until he’s got a tight hold on me. In a way, it’s odd that we’re the same height – normally I need to look down in order to make eye contact – but he’s my equal.

“Hum, if you’re not going to act, I am,” Juha says and chuckles.

He leans in closer and presses his lips against mine. I can’t repress a groan and part my mouth. Juha doesn’t waste any time and his tongue slithers inside. Challenging me, Juha presses his pelvis against my groin and I feel his arousal. Damn it, Juha, why can’t you take things slowly for a change? I lose myself in the kiss, but when his fingers threaten to slip beneath my sweater, I stop him and shake my head. “Slow down…”

“Sorry…”

Juha inclines his head and gives me his naughtiest look ever. Sorry my ass! He isn’t sorry at all! I can’t grow angry with him though – and he knows it. “Let me show you to your room. I cleaned it and put on fresh bed linen.” Juha’s expression darkens and it causes me to grow nervous. “Is anything wrong?”

“How can you possibly think that I want to sleep anywhere except in your bed?”

Ah, that’s it. I should have known he might take it the wrong way. “I didn’t want to presume you wanted to sleep in my bed. I wanted you to have a choice,” I explain.

Juha merely sighs and shakes his head. ”What else do you want me to decide?”

“Uh, now that you mention it – Jonne invited us to have dinner at his place tomorrow evening… I said…”

“That you would leave it up to me!” Juha finishes the sentence for me. “Sure, we’ll have dinner with your brother! Why not?”

“I’ll give him a call in the morning – he’ll be pleased…”

“Do you know what would please me?” Juha hints and arches an eyebrow.

I catch his hands in-between mine before they can go in search of any bare skin. I need to do some damage control. “I think I do, but we’re not going there.”

“One day we will,” Juha quips and presses another kiss onto my lips. “Now, show me the bathroom please.”

Juha’s doing it again – he’s confusing me. “Over there…”

“Thanks! I’ll be right back!”

Juha turns away from me and heads for the bathroom, taking his overnight bag with him. I end up standing alone in the hall way and I draw in a deep breath – Juha issued a challenge and I’m not sure who will win. I want to take things slowly, but Juha seems to have different ideas about our relationship.

~~~

Juha emerges ten minutes later and tracks me down in the kitchen. I turn around and ask, “Do you want coffee?” The coat’s gone and so is the beanie. He wears a black T-shirt and jeans, which, to my surprise, aren’t tight. I would have expected him to show off his ass.

Juha sits down at the kitchen table and nods. “Do you also have something to eat? I’m starving.”

“I have plenty,” I say and start the coffee maker. “Would you like a sandwich?”

“Sounds fine to me.” Juha stretches his long legs beneath the table and watches my every move. “Tell me about your plans for today.”

Uh, plans? I didn’t make plans, did I? That means I need to improvise and make it sound like I got everything under control. “How about staying in for dinner? And maybe we can watch a movie later?”

“Oh, I like that,” Juha comments as he wraps his long fingers around the mug which I placed in front of him. “Cuddling on the couch!”

Fuck! I didn’t think of that! I’ll be redirecting Juha’s hands all evening!

“You should see the look on your face right now!” Juha chuckles, gets to his feet, and walks up to me. He halts in front of me, wraps his arms around me, and cocks his head. “Tommi, why are you scared?”

I should have known Juha would address the matter head on. “It’s me – not you… I want to take this slowly – I don’t want to ruin everything for a quick fuck. I want to get to know you – I want us to trust each other…”

“Tommi, we need to talk…”

Juha leads me to the kitchen table where we sit down. He moves his chair closer to mine and holds my hands in-between his.

“I understand that you’ve had a hard time regarding past relationships, but you have to let go of the mistrust. Sure, you don’t know me that well yet, but you need to trust me. If you don’t trust me, then we’re doomed. Tommi, I don’t know why you’re scared… Do I frighten you?”

“No, you don’t.” I smile at him. “But old habits die hard… And I’ve learned to be on my guard whenever I get to know someone new. Especially when he’s a potential lover.”

“What exactly are you afraid of? That we’ll fuck and that everything will end once I had my way with you? If that’s what you’re thinking then you don’t have a very high opinion of me!” Juha actually sounds insulted.

“That’s not it – not exactly…” Juha has every right to feel insulted – I didn’t show him any trust or respect just now. “I’m merely scared that we’ll ruin things if we go too fast…”

“And?” Juha arches an eyebrow. “Spit it out, Tommi. And don’t think about lying to me… I know what’s going on, so be honest!”

I wonder if he can really tell if I’m lying… I decide against finding out though and opt for being honest. “Maybe I’m a bit nervous…” I lower my gaze and stare at our joined hands.

“You can do better than that!”

For some reason, Juha’s way of lecturing me reminds me of my grandmother’s. She’s like that too. “It’s been a while since I was intimate with anyone and… I’m shy.”

“That’s more like it…” Juha rubs the back of my hand with his fingers. “Hey, look at me, will you? I’m not going to eat you…”

I roll my eyes at the sexual innuendo. “Juha…”

“Hey, you made that up in your head! I didn’t imply anything sexual! But at least you make sense now… I can come across as pushy, don’t I? If so, I’m sorry… But that’s who I am… I’m direct… I don’t like to dance around matters. I rather face them head on.”

“Juha…” I twine our fingers and make eye-contact. “I know it’s your nature to be direct and I don’t hold it against you. You merely make me nervous when you act that way. It’s obvious that you like me, that you want to be with me, and that you want more… I’m afraid I will disappoint you though.”

“Tommi, whatever you do is fine with me. You won’t disappoint me. There’s no need for you to feel insecure. I like you a lot and you know what they say: love is blind.”

I swallow hard now that he’s mentioned the L-word. “Don’t you think it’s a bit early to speak of…love?” Juha frees his right hand, raises his arm, and cups my cheek in his palm. The expression in his eyes makes me nervous. He’s probably going to say something that will upend my life all over again.

“Tommi, if you don’t know that I’m in love with you, then you’re really stupid!”

Hum, not what I expected him to say, but it makes me grin. “I never said I was intelligent.”

This time, it’s Juha who grins. “Shall I explain it in a way even you will understand?”

His tone and expression tell me exactly what he has in mind and that I’m in trouble again.

“Don’t fight me…” Juha whispers against my lips as he leans in closer. “I’m not the enemy… I want to be your lover instead…”

His lips claim mine and I realize he’s right – I don’t need to fight him. Juha won’t cross any lines. He knows when to stop. He might be a tease, but he’ll never cross any boundaries… My eyes widen when I realize something very important: I can trust Juha… I can trust him…

“I like that look in your eyes right now,” Juha whispers and smiles at me. “Does it mean you’re not scared of me anymore?”

“It means that I understand that I can trust you… It scares me, but...”

“Tommi, stop being scared and enjoy our time together! I’m not going to back stab you, dump you, or carry out whatever horrid scenario that runs in the back of your mind.”

Juha actually flicks the back of my head and I catch his hand in mine. “Are you sure you want to take me on? I’m not easy to live with.”

“I have the feeling that you’ll surprise yourself, Tommi…” Juha caresses my face and grins. “Now, didn’t you say something about a sandwich? I’m still hungry, you know.”

The little growl, which he adds to his sentence, makes me jump to my feet. I’ll get him his sandwich as I don’t want him to nibble on something else!

TBC

Part 3

“Hum…”

I look at Juha, who stands in front of the window over viewing the street below. I wait for him to speak up, but instead, he cocks his head and continues to look outside.

“Hum…”

I sigh, rise from the couch, and walk over to him. I come to a halt behind him and wrap my arms around him. “Spit it out. What’s wrong?”

“I was wondering if you’d mind showing me about. I’ve been to Tampere a few times, but mostly due to gigs and we didn’t have any time for sightseeing.”

I’m relieved it’s nothing serious. “Sure, we can do that.” If Juha wants to see the city I’ll show him. “Anything in particular you want to see?” Juha turns around in the embrace and smiles at me. He rests his hands on my hips and gives me a thoughtful look. “Maybe we can end up in a small bar with an outside terrace? I would like to have a drink and watch people go by…”

Sure, I can do that. I know the right spot for that. “I know a pub that has a terrace bordering on the Tammerkoski. Would you like that? You’d have a good view of the bridge and the park beneath.”

“Sounds good,” Juha purrs and licks at my ear lobe. “And as we’ll be in public you won’t have to worry about me behaving.”

I stroke a lock of his hair behind his ear. “I don’t worry about that – not anymore. I trust you, remember?” Juha’s expression blazes with joy and he nods repeatedly.

“You can trust me,” he says. “I would never push you – not really. I respect a no when I get it.”

“I know that…” I caress his face and chuckle. “So, do you want to get going now or…?”

“Yes! Definitely now!” Juha comes alive. He takes my hand in his and pulls me toward the doorway. “Do you have your keys? And wallet? You’re paying, you know!”

“You’re my guest – I wouldn’t want it any other way.” I don’t mind paying. Juha’s company is reward enough.

~~~

We don’t head for the terrace at once. First, I take Juha of a tour of the inner city. During our walk, we run into many familiar faces and my friends give me odd looks upon seeing me holding Juha’s hand. I tell them hi, but don’t stop to talk to them. I don’t want to explain myself all the time – let them guess to what’s going on. They’ll end up calling Jonne and my brother will tell them everything they want to know and he will love doing so!

“I like Tampere,” Juha remarks as we head from the train station toward the Tammerkoski. “It has a relaxed feel to it.”

I’m glad he likes the city as it means he might want to visit again in the future. “That’s the terrace I mentioned,” and I point the location out to him as we cross the Tammerkoski.

“I like it!” Juha nods and then turns his head toward me. “Tommi, I’ve been wondering about something.”

“Go ahead. Whatever it is, we can discuss it.” Juha loops his arm with mine and moves closer.

“You told me that you don’t drink alcohol and we discussed the matter –briefly. I want to know if you expect me to stop drinking alcohol too.”

That’s directly and clearly stated. “No, I don’t… I hope you’re not the type of person who gets drunk all the time, because that would make me uncomfortable, but I don’t expect you to stop drinking altogether. I don’t mind you having a beer, or a glass of wine. I don’t mind you getting tipsy, although I might have an even harder time getting you off my lap, but I’m okay with you drinking alcohol.”

“Just making sure,” Juha replies, but I don’t believe I really got through to him, as he seems apprehensive to me, so I halt, and because Juha’s arm is looped with mine, he has to stop walking to. “Juha…” I make sure I have his full attention, and once he looks me in the eyes, I continue, “Really, don’t feel bad about having a drink now and then – but please don’t become an alcoholic. Do you understand?”

“Don’t worry, I do!” Juha smiles and caresses my face. “I admit to feeling a bit strange about drinking alcohol knowing you have such problems with it. But to be honest – I love having a drink now and then! And don’t worry – I seldom get drunk. Tipsy is more like it.”

I hope Juha really gets it and I lead him downstairs to the terrace. We find a nice spot near the water and Juha studies the menu. I didn’t notice how quickly the time passed by until now, and when I check my watch, I find it’s 10 PM already. “Damn, I promised you dinner hours ago!”

“I must admit to being hungry… Do you mind ordering food?”

“I need to eat too! Let’s order something right now.”

The waiter appears to take down our orders. I opt for non-alcoholic beer and a steak, while Juha decides on pasta and a glass of white wine. Juha leans back in his chair and radiates peace and happiness. I could look at him all evening, but I avert my eyes the moment his gaze searches mine.

“Caught…” Juha whispers and chuckles. “Feel free to stare at me all you want – I won’t charge you for it.”

Juha’s comment makes me chuckle and I nod at the waiter who delivers our drinks. “I would be a poor man if you did!”

Juha pushes his chair closer to mine and rests his left hand on my knee. I look at him questioningly and Juha replies by squeezing my knee.

“I have to show them you’re mine,” he explains. “So they won’t consider making a pass at you.”

I gulp. “Why in hell’s name would they make a pass at me?”

“Because you’re good-looking – definitely hot. You have amazingly blue eyes and I can’t wait to bury my fingers in your mane…”

Juha’s comments make me blush. “I’m not hot,” I protest softly.

“But you are…”

Juha moves closer still and presses a kiss onto my lips. For a moment, I feel shocked that he would do so in public and I look about to find out how people react to seeing us kiss. No one pays us any attention though – expect for two girls who giggle at us. Apparently they like the show Juha’s putting on. “Maybe we shouldn’t do that…”

“Oh, I disagree. We need to do that more often…”

And yes, Juha leans in and kisses me again. This time, the tip of his tongue presses against my teeth, but I keep my mouth closed. “Not here…” I don’t feel comfortable kissing in public – not yet anyways.

“Suit yourself,” Juha says and nips from his wine. “There will come a time though when you won’t be able to keep your hands off of me – even in public.”

I’m grateful I didn’t decide to drink yet – I would have choked on the beer. “You seem quite sure of that.”

“I am,” Juha says and nods. “Just wait until I’ve had my wicked way with you…” He wiggles an eyebrow suggestively. “After that, you’ll want to touch me all the time.”

It takes me a moment to catch on that Juha’s merely teasing me, but when I do, I chuckle and decide to go along. “Maybe, but who says you’re *that* good in bed?”

Juha’s eyes widen and then he growls appreciatively. “You’d be lucky to find out about my talents in bed!”

Suddenly he bursts out into laughter and I join him. Juha’s hand still rests on my knee and I take it into mine. “I’ll get used to the sexual innuendo you seem so fond of!”

“I’m sure you will…”

Juha breaks eye contact and I look behind me to find out what captivated him. Ah, looks like our food is on its way!

~~~

I finish my steak and Juha his pasta. Juha orders another wine, but asks for a glass of water at the same time. I opt for another non-alcoholic beer and can’t get enough of watching him. Juha possesses a strange, pure quality, which I can’t name yet. Maybe it’s the twinkle in his eyes, or the glow that warms his face… Maybe it’s his soft voice and the love I detect in it… Maybe it’s the way he touches my hand and pulls it into his lap. I don’t know what it is or maybe it’s all of those things together. The only thing that I do know is that I’m falling hopelessly in love with him.

~~~

Juha has no problems walking straight after drinking his wine and I’m grateful he didn’t overdo it. Although I tried to make light of it, I don’t like drunk people, and knowing how perceptive Juha is, he probably knew how to read between the lines.

“I like walking along the river…”

I walked him downstairs into the little park that lies to the side of the Tammerkoski. “I’m glad you like it here… It might make you come back to Tampere.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. I have the feeling that I will spend lots of time here.”

I’m surprised that Juha isn’t trying anything. I had expected having to swat away his hands or increase the distance, but he calmly walks next to me. He curled his arm around my waist and I mirrored his move. I feel relaxed now that Juha’s behaving. “I hope so…”

“Did you make any plans for tomorrow?” Juha asks.

“Not really – except for dinner that is. I’ll leave the rest up to you.”

Juha nods slowly. “I want to sleep in… Then we’ll do breakfast in bed, and if I’m up for it, we can go for another walk.”

He wants to sleep in – I’m okay with that, expect that he’ll be sleeping in my bed and I wonder if he’ll keep his hands to himself in the morning as well. “We can take the boot to Viikinsaari island,” I suggest. “If you want to, we can have a picnic there.”

“Is it a nice place? Not too crowded?”

“It’s okay… I know some secluded spots.” I don’t want people staring at us either.

Juha yawns and looks at me. “I think I’m ready for bed… Let’s head for your apartment.”

It’s a good thing we’ll be there in five minutes, as Juha seems tired all right. He rests his head against my shoulder and I fall into pace with him. I’m about to burst because of all these feelings coursing through me and I need to voice them. “Juha, do you have any idea how happy I am that you’re here?” I rub his back through the fabric of his shirt and pull him closer.

“I know,” Juha whispers and yawns again. “I’m happy to be here too.”

We reach my apartment building and I steer him upstairs. I unlock the front door and march him into the bedroom. Juha sits down, yawns again, and closes his eyes.

“Sorry, I’m sleepy… Must be the long car drive.”

“That’s okay… Do you want to use the bathroom before you lie down?”

“Don’t need to… I’m fine…” A bit awkwardly, because he’s already half asleep, Juha tugs at his coat in order to remove it. “Stop fighting me, you stupid thing.”

I chuckle at his comment and help him out of the coat. Next, I remove his boots and then wonder what to do next. “Are you going to be comfortable like that?”

“No…jeans have to go…” Juha unbuttons his jeans and lies down on his back. “Help me?” Juha gives me a trusting look. “Please?”

I remove his jeans, and in the end, he struggles out of his T-shirt. I hope he wants to keep on his boxers, because I don’t feel uncomfortable around him being naked. Juha seems content though and curls up on his side.

“Sorry… sleepy,” he repeats and closes his eyes.

“Don’t worry about it. Go to sleep… I’ll join you in five.” I press a kiss onto Juha’s brow and cover him with the comforter. After making a quick stop in the bathroom, and undressing, I slip between the covers as well. Juha moves toward me at once – I thought he would be asleep at this point, but apparently he isn’t.

“This is nice,” Juha says and sighs deeply. “I like your bed, Tommi…”

I smile at Juha – he’s still behaving! He drapes his arm across my abdomen when he cuddles up to me, but that’s okay, as I wrapped my arm around him in turn. “You can go to sleep, you know. You don’t need to stay awake.”

Juha nods against my chest and presses deeper into the mattress. “Sleep tight, Tommi… See you in the morning…” Juha sighs and then his breathing deepens and evens out – a sure sign that he’s asleep.

“Sleep tight, Juha.” I press a kiss onto his hair and cherish holding him close like this. “I’m falling in love with you…” Juha moves in his sleep, but doesn’t wake up. “Have some sweet dreams…” I close my eyes as well and hope the rest of Juha’s stay will also be a success.

~~~

I wake up early because it’s hot in the bedroom. Juha’s still asleep and he curled himself around me. I don’t want to wake him, but I do want to let in some fresh air. Carefully, I role him away from me, steal out of the bed, and open the window. A gentle, cooling breeze caresses my skin and makes me sigh deeply. That’s better.

I return to the bed and am pleased to find Juha still asleep. I move him back into his original position and pull him against me. I can’t stop staring at him. I still find it hard to believe that he’s actually here with me. I can’t believe I’d be so damn lucky!

Juha moves in his sleep, presses deeper into the mattress, and his lips move against my shoulder. The soft touch makes me quiver. My body still has its needs, even though I tightly control them. I’m hard and I would love to find release right now. I can’t allow such thoughts though – not at the moment. I don’t want to embarrass myself by climaxing and getting caught in the act. Juha would probably kick my ass for doing it myself and not waking him up. So I ignore my erection and hope it will go away again in time. I stroke Juha’s hair and look forward to spending the day with him.

~~~

“Hungry… Tommi, I’m hungry…”

I blink. I must have fallen asleep again and now Juha’s whispering voice wakes me. I open my eyes and focus my gaze on him. He’s awake and giving me that certain look, telling me he wants something from me. What did he say? I didn’t quite catch it. “What’s wrong?”

“Hungry, Tommi, I’m hungry….”

He woke me up for that? I look at the clock and see that’s only eight in the morning. “I thought you wanted to sleep in.”

“I did, but back then I wasn’t hungry…”

I draw in a deep breath. “Let me guess, you want me to bring you breakfast in bed?”

“That would be great, but no, I’ll help out in the kitchen… Do you mind getting up? I know it’s still early, but… I’m awake now and can’t go back to sleep until I’ve had something to eat!”

“Are you always like this in the morning?” I can’t get angry with him though, as I mostly feel amused. I wonder how much effort he will put into getting what he wants.

“Not really, but most of the time I don’t wake up next to someone in bed…”

Juha really knows how to wind me around his little finger: I can’t deny him, no matter how hard I try. “Same goes for me – most of the time, I don’t wake up next to someone in bed either – let alone it being someone nagging at me for food!” Juha grins and cocks his head; his expression tells me I’m in trouble again. What the hell did I do to set off that reaction?

“Well, if you don’t want to feed me breakfast, I can think of something else to nibble at.”

That’s my cue to literally jump out of bed. “I’ll get breakfast ready!”

“I knew it would work,” Juha says and grins. “Too bad, you would have enjoyed my nibbling…”

I don’t stick around long enough for him to continue in that way and head for the kitchen. As I went grocery shopping the other day, my fridge and cupboards are stuffed to the limit. “What do you want to eat?” I’m about to turn around when Juha presses against me from behind. His arms curl around my waist and involuntarily I stop breathing. He’s awfully close all of a sudden.

Juha looks into the fridge and seems to consider his options. “How about muesli, milk, and fruits?”

“That’s appallingly healthy…”

“Well, I could hunt down some cigarettes and find me a beer if you’d prefer that.”

“No…” I don’t. “I’ll get everything ready… Why don’t you get the coffee started?” I turn around, guide his arms away from me, and point him into the direction of the coffee maker. Juha seems to get the hint and steps away from me. Once he’s got the coffee maker running, he places a tray onto the kitchen table. He puts mugs, bowls, and utensils onto it. Then he searches the cupboards and I settle for watching him. What’s he searching for? Juha releases a victorious growl when he happens upon a bag of croissants. He preheats the oven and puts two of them in it. I continue to watch him and Juha quickly locates the butter and jam. He hums a cheerful melody and looks smug. “Found everything you need?”

Juha turns towards me and grins. “This will be the best breakfast in bed I ever had!”

He wants to go back to bed then. I didn’t expect that. “Juha…?” I open my arms and he moves into them. Juha looks me in the eye and I swallow hard at seeing the expression on his face. Juha looks happy and I feel content too.

“Yes, Tommi?”

“I can’t stop staring at you,” I admit in a choked voice. “You’re like a dream come true. I had almost given up on finding someone like you and I never expected to find you in Oulu. I feel grateful that you want to make this work and I hope you won’t get fed up with me being so skittish around you. I don’t want to chase you off.” I realize that I might come across as overly dramatically, but it’s important to me that I say it.

“You worry too much,” Juha whispers. “I’m in love with you, Tommi, and I’m willing to wait for you. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself… Take the time you need and don’t worry about chasing me off. It takes a lot more than you being shy to make me turn away.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” I really needed to hear it again, I realize. The oven beeps and I point Juha into its direction. “Go get our food, will you?” Juha grins, turns around, and I playfully swat his behind when he starts walking. He looks at me from over his shoulder and arches an eyebrow at my move. I smile apologetically and whisper, “Sorry,” but don’t mean it.

“There will be payback later,” Juha announces in a pleased voice. He removes the croissants from the oven, puts them onto our plates, and points at the tray. “You carry it – I have a habit of dropping stuff and you don’t want your carpet stained.”

I read between the lines and decide against taking the risk. I carry the tray into the bedroom and put it onto our bed. Juha slips between the covers again and gives me an expectant look. I comply and sit down next to him. “Do you want me to feed you?”

“Oh, I think I can manage myself! But thanks anyway!” Juha winks at me and picks up his croissant. He tears off a small piece and makes a grand show out of slipping into his mouth. He wraps his tongue around it and I must admit I’ve never seen anyone eat in such a sensual way before. For one moment, I’m tempted to act in the same way, but realize just in time that I would make a fool out of myself. I manage to eat the rest of my breakfast without looking at Juha, but then he pokes me in the side – rather harshly. I stare at him in surprise and arch an eyebrow questioningly.

“Stop ignoring me, Tommi.”

I sigh: he caught on. “I don’t know how to act around you.”

“Then figure it out!” Juha leans back into the pillows and studies me. “Tommi, when was the last time you were intimate with someone? You mentioned it having been years ago.”

I guess it’s only logical that Juha would bring the matter up again. “Five years, to be exact… I had some one-night-stands… you know.” Damn, I feel embarrassed talking about it.

“Five years?” Juha’s eyes widen. “Wow…”

I shrug. “I got tired of one-night-stands. It’s merely physical – the act itself… You don’t kiss… There’s no real intimacy.”

“And it’s intimacy you want in the first place.”

Juha seems to understand: it makes me raise my head and create eye contact. “It’s nothing without the feelings that go with it.”

Juha nods and a thoughtful expression appears in his eyes, which makes me wary. Something is going on in his head and I’m not sure I like it.

“Tommi, do you trust me?”

I swallow hard and wish I knew what Juha’s up to. “I do.”

My answer seems to satisfy Juha, who resolutely puts the breakfast tray onto the floor. He’s making space for whatever he’s up to and that worries me further. “I don’t like that look in your eyes.”

“Stop being worried, Tommi…”

Juha suddenly crawls toward me on all fours and now I recognize that expression – it’s that of a predator. “Juha…” I want to tell him no, but at the same time, my lips refuse to say the world. I might not be sure if I’m ready for this, but my body desperately craves the contact.

“Trust me…” Juha repeats and licks his way from my belly button to a nipple. I shiver and close my eyes. “Yes, just like that – keep them closed…”

I doubt that following his advice is wise, but I comply, realizing that I don’t merely want this, but *need* it – desperately. “Juha…” Even with my eyes closed, my fingers manage to slide into his hair. Juha briefly kisses me on the lips, but then he moves away again. I hiss when his hands tug at my boxers, but then I lift my hips so he can slide them off.

Juha’s lips return to mine and his tongue invades my mouth. Until now, I hadn’t realized that I wanted him to take control. All this time, I fooled myself into believing that I wanted to be in control! Suddenly his fingers wrap around my cock and I thrust up. Juha allows it, firmly massages my length, and I feel like I’m about to burst already. I don’t want to come that quickly though! Juha’s lips desert mine and he possessively growls into my right ear. The sound travels straight to my groin and I groan from deep within my throat.

“Mine…” Juha growls again. “All mine to touch…”

Juha suddenly speeds up stroking me and the change in tempo takes me by surprise. I tell myself to slow down, but can’t. I thrust into his fist and wrap my arms around him. I pull him close against me and open my eyes.

Juha’s face glows with pleasure and he licks his lips in a provocative way. “You seem to like my touch…”

What the hell does he expect me to say? I’m about to come and my universe has become limited to Juha’s hand and the way he’s massaging me.

“Do you want to come for me? Do you? Spill yourself all over me?”

Juha’s words push me over the edge and I climax. I close my eyes again, savor the sensation rushing through me, and distinctly sense Juha milking the last droplets from my cock. I open my eyes again, turn my head toward him, and wonder what to say.

“You look sexy,” Juha whispers against my throat. “And you’ll look even hotter moving above me when you…fuck…me…”

He’s doing it on purpose – I know he does. He’s making me horny all over again, but there’s no way I can grow hard again. I wrap an arm around him, pull him close, and crush him against me. There’s no way I can control his actions, and the truth is, that I don’t want to control him. I want him to take charge. That way it’s easier for me to do away with my worries. “Do you want that? Me to fuck you?” Damn, merely saying those words sets off a reaction in my body and my cock twitches hungrily.

Juha’s lips descend onto mine, and after kissing me, he sucks at my bottom lip. He doesn’t release it at once, only after playfully biting it, does he let go.

“It’s one of the things I want you to do me. Trust me, I can think of more things than just that…”

I roll my eyes. “I’m sure you can think of many things…”

Juha chuckles, curls up around me, and his hand settles onto my abdomen in a rather possessive way. I’ll never mistake the dynamics in our deepening relationship again – Juha’s in control and for some elusive reason, I like it that way.

TBC

Part 4

“Eero? Eero!”

My head jerks upwards and I stare ahead in shock. What the fuck is going on?

“You should go to bed if you’re that tired…”

I blink, look about, and find Jonne standing next to my desk. Ah, I remember now. I started to study for my upcoming test and I fell asleep on top of my books. “Jonne… you startled me!” I push my chair away from the desk and stretch.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to startle you, but we’re about to have dinner. Tommi and Juha will arrive any moment now and I wondered if you wanted to join us.”

Jonne squats next to me and searches my face. I hope that finding me asleep doesn’t worry him. I find Nietzsche boring and that’s probably the reason why my eyes closed. “Sure…” I don’t know if I can eat much, but it’ll do me good to talk to Tommi again. We didn’t have any in-depth conversations since I told him about my foster-father.

“Great, maybe splashing your face with water will help you wake up completely. You look like a mess at the moment.”

“Thanks,” I say in a sarcastic voice. “Who needs friends when they have a brother like you?” Jonne’s reaction is to ruffle my hair and grin. “Fuck, now I look even worse!” Jonne turns away from me and leaves my room, giving me a chance to clean up myself. I drag myself into the bathroom and do as he suggested. I splash my face with cold water, but it doesn’t work, as a big yawn takes me the next second.

Damn Arttu for keeping me awake last night! Instead of going to sleep, Arttu wanted to talk about us finding our own space. I managed to stay awake for some time, but eventually I drifted off – Arttu, that bastard, woke me up again though! I lost out on some precious hours of sleep that way and it’s catching up with me.

The doorbell echoes through the apartment and it tells me that Tommi and Juha have arrived. I’m happy for Tommi that he found someone he’s interested in, but I still find it odd that it’s another guy. I never pictured Tommi with a man before, and until recently, I had no idea that he was bisexual. Juha however seems friendly and has a sunny disposition so I like having him around. He made entertaining company when we drove home and he managed to keep Arttu awake.

I try to sort out my hair, but then give up. I reach for the bandana which I pocketed earlier and tie it around my head. Now I can finally show myself. “Hey,” I say as I step into the hallway. I run into Tommi first, and my oldest brother buries me in a hug before I realize what he’s going on. In the past, I would have tensed up, but these days, I feel comfortable at having him close. “You seem happy to see me!”

Tommi smiles at me and cocks his head. “Are you going pirate?” he asks, pointing at my bandana.

“Not really – I’m just too lazy to style my hair.” Tommi releases me and now Juha walks up to me. I don’t hug him, but shake his hand instead. “It’s nice to see you again!”

“Where’s Arttu? I thought the two of you were joined at the hip?” Juha asks while slipping out of his coat.

“Arttu went home. Antti threatened to report him missing if he didn’t show his ass at home.” I wonder if Arttu will mention wanting to find his own place to Antti – and I’m even more curious about Antti’s reaction to hearing it. I haven’t found the guts yet to tell Jonne about Arttu’s suggestion, as I’m afraid of hurting his feelings. I know how much he loves having me about.

At that moment, Ville pokes his head out of the kitchen and looks at us. “You have perfect timing! Steaks are almost ready!”

Tommi blinks in surprise. “Why is Ville cooking?”

“Because he didn’t want us to order in. He says he’s fed up with eating Chinese food,” Jonne replies as he motions for us to move into the dining room.

Tommi walks next to me, and I add, “Don’t tell Ville, but I believe that he likes to cook. He might have realized that when he was in the army.”

“I’m not complaining,” Tommi says, “As long it’s edible!”

“So far, his dishes came out fine,” I assure my brother and steal a look at Juha, who smiles all the time. I don’t know him very well, but something tells me he might be high maintenance. “How are you and Juha getting along?” It’s one thing to spend time together during a vacation, but it’s another to have someone at home twenty-four seven.

Tommi gives me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know he was capable of leering like that. “What?”

“You don’t want to know, Eero. Trust me, that would be too much personal information.”

“All right…” I decide against questioning him. His expression tells me that I’m better off not knowing. We sit down and all we’re missing is Ville and the food.

As on cue, Ville walks inside, but without any food. “Who wants their steak bloody? And who bloodless?”

“I don’t want any blood at all, please!” Juha says as he raises his hand.

“I want it that way too,” I tell Ville. “No blood for me either.”

“Tommi, you want it…?”

“Medium… Some blood is okay, but please don’t create a massacre!” Tommi replies and winks at an amused-looking Ville.

“I…”

Jonne wants to say something too, but Ville raises his arm and cuts him short. “I know how you like your steak…” Jonne gives his younger brother an insulted look, which Ville ignores. “We eat in ten minutes,” he announces and disappears into the kitchen again.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Jonne says. “I like the new and improved Ville, but some of his recent habits drive me crazy!”

“Maybe you should kick him out – tell him to get his own place. It’s about time he stood on his own feet,” Tommi suggests and my heart misses a beat at hearing it.

“No fucking way!” Jonne bangs his fist onto the dining table. “Ville stays exactly where he is. No one is moving out.”

Okay, I guess that answers my question too. There’s no way I can consider moving out and living with Arttu.

“Is everything fine?”

Juha’s voice comes from up close, and when I look at him, I find he’s leaning toward me. His expression is worried and he’s frowning. How perceptive is this guy? Not even my brothers picked up on my mood shift. “I’m fine… Just thinking…” Juha addressing me caught Jonne’s attention though, and now my brother looks at me in concern. “Don’t worry about it… Too much studying… All that useless information takes up thinking capacity.” Juha laughs, but Jonne doesn’t seem satisfied, too bad, I’m not telling!

“Time to eat!” Ville’s back, balancing plates. “I hope everyone is hungry!” He puts the plates in front of us, and, amused, I watch Jonne poke the potatoes about. “Stop playing with your food!” Ville says in a lecturing voice.

Jonne gives Ville a look that could kill, but then does as he’s told. “Are you sure it’s edible and that I won’t end up with food poisoning?”

“Have some faith in your brother!” Ville shakes his head at Jonne’s remark, but his eyes twinkle.

I feel brave and am the first to taste Ville’s cooking. “Steak’s fine,” I announce. “You can eat it – no problems!”

“Thanks, Eepi! At least one of my brothers has faith in me!”

“Maybe you should consider becoming a chef,” Tommi suggests.

“No fucking way! I’m not going to work in an overheated kitchen with idiots!’

“Ville, you need to stop watching Gordon Ramsey! Really!” Jonne also tastes the food and smiles. “It’s okay…”

“Okay?” Ville looks like he’s about to scold Jonne, but then remembers just in time that we have a guest – thankfully.

“How long are you staying in Tampere, Juha?” I ask, steering the conversation away from the food.

Juha seems to understand and happily starts talking. “Either I leave tomorrow evening or Monday morning… I need to take the train home, as my car is being repaired.”

“You could fly home,” Tommi suggests.

“It’s hard to get last minute tickets, and if you do, they’re awfully expensive,” Juha replies. “I checked,” he explains. Tommi however doesn’t seem convinced: he doesn’t bring it up again though.

“So does this mean you’re going to commute between Oulu and Tampere for now?” It’s quite a distance after all!

“For now,” Juha confirms. “We’ll see what happens in the future. It’s still too early to tell.” Tommi agrees and nods. “It could be worse,” Juha remarks… “I could be living up in Rovaniemi and Tommi in Helsinki.”

“Always look on the bright side of life,” Jonne quips unexpectedly.

Juha nods. “That’s my motto too…”

“By the way, Eero…”

At hearing Tommi speak my name, I look at him, and wonder what’s up. “Yes?”

“Nice ring you’re wearing…”

I blush to the roots of my hair and quickly hide my hand beneath the table. I don’t know why I react like that, but I feel shy all of a sudden.

“Did Arttu propose?” Tommi continues in a good-natured voice.

I don’t think he realizes how nervous he’s making me, and if he does, Tommi chooses to ignore it. I wish I could be like that too. “In a way…”

“What? Arttu proposed and you didn’t tell me? Come on, show us that ring! Don’t hide it!” Jonne practically jumps up from his chair and tries to capture my hand. Knowing resistance is futile, I give in and Jonne stares at the ring. “He gave you a ring!”

I endure Jonne’s stares and wish the floor would open and swallow me. This is not the way I wanted to tell them. Why didn’t I think of removing the ring before joining them for dinner?

“That’s a very sweet thing of Arttu to do,” Juha says softly. “I don’t know the two of you very well, but he seems very much in love with you. It’s very rare, and special, to find someone who cares so deeply. I suggest you cherish him for the rest of your life… Oh, and if you *do* get married, make sure you go on a long honeymoon!”

Juha’s words make me blush again, but at the same time, a warm and content sensation settles into my heart. “Arttu’s special, I know that,” I whisper softly. “I feel thankful that he wants me… And I’ll never hurt his feelings.”

“Arttu’s very fortunate to have you then…”

The smile Juha gives me is one of true understanding. It’s odd, I hardly know him, but for some reason I trust him. “And Tommi’s lucky to have you…” Tommi, Jonne, and Ville give me odd looks, but I shrug them away. I don’t know what happened between Juha and me a moment ago, but it felt right.

~~~

An hour later, we’re sitting in the living room and are having coffee or non-alcoholic beer. Jonne smiles at me each time our eyes meet and I avert my gaze, still feeling shy. Suddenly, my phone beeps and I quickly excuse myself. I step into the kitchen, which resembles a war zone after Ville cooked dinner, and look at the display to find out who is calling – it’s Arttu.

“Hey, it’s me!”

“Arttu… I’m glad you called…”

“What’s up? You sound odd…”

Arttu knows my moods and realizes something is up. There’s no way I can hide anything from him. “Jonne discovered your ring.”

“And he gave you the fifth-degree?”

“Not really…but he asked if you proposed and somehow I gave the impression that you did.”

“I’m fine with that, as long as you let me set our wedding date, and Eero, I’m not wearing white!”

I chuckle as Arttu made me relax again. “I don’t want you to wear white – you don’t look good in it.”

“Do you want me to hang out with you guys? That way it won’t be just you against them.”

“You can spend the night here… I’d love to have you close tonight, but I think I can handle them. For some reason Juha seems to be on my side… I can’t explain it.”

“Did you tell Jonne about our plans to get our own place?”

“No… Tommi made a joke -- saying Ville should move out because he’s getting on Jonne’s nerves – You should have seen Jonne’s reaction… He was ready to go to war in order to prevent Ville from doing that. I didn’t dare bring it up.”

“One day you must…”

“Yes, but not right now.”

“Eero? Tommi and Juha are leaving… Do you want to tell them goodbye?” Jonne asks as he pokes his head around the corner.

“I’ll be there!” I tell Jonne. “Arttu, are you coming over? Tommi and Juha are leaving and I want you here when Jonne starts interrogating me. The only thing that saved me earlier was Juha’s presence and now that he’s leaving…”

“I understand… I’m grabbing my bag right now…”

“Thanks, Arttu…”

“See you in twenty, Eero! You need to hang in there for that long!”

“I will!” I put away my phone and join the others in the hallway. Tommi already put on his coat and Juha’s pressing close to him. They seem well-matched and I hope they’ll work out – I really want Tommi to be happy.

“It was nice to see you again, Eero,” Juha says in that warm voice of his and he gives me a quick hug. “I had a great evening.”

“Hopefully you’ll have dinner with us again if you visit the next time,” Ville says. “Then, you can cook!”

“I’ll bring pizza with me,” Juha replies and grins. He loops his arm with Tommi’s, and together, they walk toward the door. “I’ll see you guys next time!”

Ville closes the door behind them and then turns toward me. “Good luck, Eepi…”

“Good luck with what?” I have no idea what Ville’s hinting it.

“With answering my questions,” Jonne says and cocks his head. “Now when is the wedding?”

I gulp at hearing the question and stare at Jonne in shock. “Wedding? What wedding?”

“Well, your wedding, of course! As you’re obviously the bride we need to find you the right dress in time!” Jonne tries acting seriously, but in the end, he fails, and bursts out laughing.

“You’re mean!” I grab one of the pillows from the couch in the living room and start swigging it at him. “You’re paying for that!”

Jonne yelps, runs into the living room, and grabs two pillows from the couch – that smart ass – and wants to pummel me with them. I stand my ground though and manage to land more blows than he does. All of a sudden, a flashlight illuminates the room, and Jonne and I turn toward it. It’s Ville, taking photos of us fighting.

“Blackmail material,” Ville quips, but then he runs off as Jonne and I start chasing him into the hallway. He quickly disappears into his room and locks the door behind him.

“Coward!” Jonne calls out loudly, but Ville reacts to the scolding with loud giggling that comes from behind the closed door.

Jonne turns toward me and gives me his sweetest smile. I don’t buy it though and ready myself to fight off another attack. “Just to make one thing clear – I’m not the bride!” I tell him. “So get it out of your head!”

“Too bad,” Jonne says and giggles. “I would have loved to see you in a dress. Peace?” He drops the pillows and offers me his hand.

“Peace… for now…”

“For now,” Jonne agrees. “Actually, that was fun – we scared Ville!”

“You didn’t!” Ville calls out from the safety of his room.

Jonne takes my hand in his and I drop the pillow, which I was still holding onto in my other hand. We make our way into the kitchen, where Jonne sits me down at the table. “Want some coffee or tea?” Jonne asks.

“Coffee, definitely,” I reply and yawn. I’m still tired.

“Didn’t you get any sleep last night?” Jonne gets the coffee going and frowns at me when he sits down next to me.

I can’t help it—I blush, as I vividly remember how Arttu und I spent last night. “Not much,” I admit in a tiny voice.

Jonne wiggles an eyebrow and draws his own conclusions. “Arttu kept you busy,” he says in a knowing voice. “Eero… you can tell me off if I’m too curious, but…did you go any further than kissing yet?”

In a way I want to confide in Jonne, but somehow it also makes me feel awkward. “Yes, we did…”

“That’s great… Assuming, you’re okay with it?”

I give Jonne a shy smile. “I am… We’re taking small steps. I’m lucky that Arttu’s okay with going slowly.”

“Arttu loves you… He would do anything to make you happy.”

Jonne’s right, but it’s odd to hear it phrased like that. “At times I still don’t believe I deserve him. Arttu’s too good to be true.”

“And now he gave you his ring,” Jonne says, ignoring my insecurities for now. “Kind of makes it official, don’t you think?”

I’m not sure what he’s up to, but something tells me to proceed with caution. “You sound like Arttu in a way.”

Jonne pours coffee into our mugs and adds milk and sugar to mine before handing it to me. He sits down again and watches me closely. I lower my gaze and stare into my coffee instead. Something is going on, but what?

“If I were Arttu,” Jonne says after a short pause, “I would suggest getting our own place.”

Damn, how can he know that? My head jerks up and I stare at him in shock.

Jonne merely nods. “I would want you to myself. Our own little apartment – our own little place.”

I feel shocked. “Jonne…” Jonne however shakes his head and raises his arm, telling me be quiet for now.

“This doesn’t come as a surprise, Eero. Actually, I agree with Arttu – it’s the next step you should take, but I hope you won’t move out right away. I enjoy having you around and I don’t want to be without you yet.”

Jonne voiced my dilemma, and now that he’s figured it out, I guess it’s okay for me to confirm it. “I don’t want to move out yet either – I love living here with Ville and you. I love Arttu, but I don’t think we can afford our own place yet. We’re both students and it would be best if we stayed put for now.”

“That’s true,” Jonne says and sips from his drink, “but there will come a time when you want to move out. You love Arttu and want to be with him.”

“You’re right…but for the moment I’d rather stay with you.”

“Why?” Jonne asks suddenly and in a sharp voice. “Why exactly?”

I grow insecure again and find it hard to maintain eye contact. I try to find the right words, but I feel at a loss.

“Is it because you’re scared to hurt my feelings when you move out?” Jonne suggests, helping me out.

“I saw the way you reacted when Tommi mentioned kicking out Ville to live on his own.”

“Ah, I’m starting to understand… Eero, Tommi said *kicking out* Ville… I would never do that. I’d be comfortable with the idea of Ville getting his own place if I thought he would be ready for it – which he isn’t – not yet at any rate. Maybe in a year though. He’s making great progress.”

“But you wouldn’t mind kicking me out?” I stare at Jonne in surprise. Is that what he’s trying to tell me?

“I wouldn’t kick you out. You would move out in order to live with someone you love. You would start the next chapter of your life because you’re ready for it. There’s a huge difference.”

“I don’t know about that, about being ready to move on,” I mean. I didn’t realize that until now.

“You feel safe here, and I’m grateful you do, but you can’t use it as a crutch. One day, you must face your fears, and when you do, you’ll find Arttu at your side, and Tommi, Ville, and me as your back up plan. It’s good this is happening, Eero…”

“If you say so…” I don’t feel like that though…

“Hey, see what the cat dragged in!” Suddenly Ville stands in the doorway, and behind him, I see Arttu. “As no one answered the door I had to leave the safety of my room to let him in.”

“Thanks, Ville…” I give Jonne a smile that hopefully shows I’m grateful for the talk we just had and then rise from my chair. I walk over to Arttu and wrap an arm around his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Are you staying for the night?” Ville inquires, at which Arttu nods. “Good, that means I’m locking my bedroom door tonight. You’re Antti’s brother and I don’t want to wake up with toothpaste or similar substances on my face.”

I chuckle at hearing Ville’s words. “You don’t need to lock your door. I vouch for Arttu.”

Arttu however gives Ville a wicked grin. “Who says I’ll use toothpaste? How about ketchup?”

“I’m definitely locking my door!” Ville chuckles, turns around, and waves at Arttu. “See you tomorrow!”

“Get going,” Jonne says as he pours himself another mug of coffee. “I still remember what young love is like!”

Arttu continues his diabolical grin. “Yeah, hormones are all over the place!”

I poke his side, but that doesn’t faze Arttu, who pulls me into the corridor and toward my room.

“Let me play some mind games with them – they’re easy to manipulate.”

“Behave for a change, will you?”

Arttu pulls me into my room and closes the door behind us. He leans against it and pulls me into his arms. “Now, be honest, Eero, do you really want me to behave?”

He knows me so well – the bastard. “Not really, but just a little bit.”

“I can do a little bit,” Arttu confirms and pulls me for a kiss. “But only a itsy, bitsy little bit!”

I chuckle at hearing his reply. “You’re right,” I tell him. “No matter what happens, don’t change, you hear me?”

“I won’t...” Arttu promises and then kisses me on the lips. “I’ll always be your Arttu…”

TBC

Part 5

Juha is in an oddly pensive mood by the time we get back to my apartment. He puts his coat on the rack, removes his shoes, and heads for the living room, where he ends up standing in front of the window overlooking the street. I follow him and carefully wrap my arms around him from behind. Juha leans back against me, rests the back of his head against my shoulder, and places his hands atop of mine. This is odd – I haven’t seen Juha like this before and wonder if anything is wrong. “What’s going on?”

“Just thinking about the way Eero reacted when you mentioned the ring he’s wearing. He’s rather shy, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is… We didn’t know we were related until about a year ago and he’s still getting used to have three brothers around.”

“You can tell,” Juha says pensively. “There’s something about Eero that sets him apart… You can tell that he’s been through a lot.” Juha turns in the embrace and suddenly faces me. “I like Eero and Arttu. They make a cute couple.”

I’m not sure why Juha is bringing them up and nod helplessly. “Yes, they do…”

“I would like for us to be like that – you can tell that their love is unconditional and…exclusive.”

Ah, is that it? “That’s one thing you don’t need to worry about. I’m the loyal kind of guy – I would never cheat on you or play you.”

“I thought so…” Juha raises his hand and caresses my face. I close my eyes and savor the sensation. “You do realize that we need to discuss our future shortly?”

I understand what he’s hinting at. “I can visit you in Oulu too. You don’t need to come down here each weekend. That’s only fair.” Juha wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head against my right shoulder. I love having him close and I think back to what happened this morning. He took me by surprise when he made me come, and in retrospect, I realize I wouldn’t have let him if he had announced his intention. “Do you want to go to bed or hang out on the sofa and watch television?”

“I’m not sure…” Juha takes a step away from me. “I would rather prefer a quick clean up in the bathroom.”

“Why don’t you go for a soak in the bath tub?” I suggest, but at the moment I mention it, I realize I have a hidden agenda. I’m not telling Juha though. “Just fill it up, add some foam, and relax.”

“That does sound rather appealing,” Juha admits and smiles at me. “Thanks…”

My breath catches when he moves closer to kiss me. My mouth opens automatically and Juha’s tongue immediately slips inside to deepen the kiss. Damn, he feels good against me and I’m growing hard again. I break off the kiss and caress his face instead. “Get going or you’ll get me into trouble again.”

“Too bad you don’t want to get into trouble, but that’s fine with me. You won’t be able to resist me for much longer!” Juha frees himself of my embrace and heads for the bathroom.

He’s right, of course. My walls are tumbling down this very moment. I can’t resist him, he’s right about that, but as he surprised me this morning, I want to surprise him tonight. Let him get comfortable in the bath tub before I make my move!

I listen to Juha rummaging about in the bathroom and smile secretively. A month ago, I wouldn’t have thought it possible that I would be with someone. There’s no denying it anymore – Juha and I are together and I want it to be that way. Being without him throughout the week will be hard, but as long as I can see him in the weekend, I’ll endure the separation.

Things grow quiet in the bathroom and that tells me that Juha’s probably enjoying his bath by now – which is perfect. I remove my shirt and jeans as I don’t want to get them wet, and the shoes have to go as well. Now that I’m at it, I remove my socks too and only clad in my boxers I head for the bathroom. Hopefully Juha will like his surprise. I knock and wait for his reaction, which doesn’t take long.

“Miss me already?”

I roll my eyes at the comment. “Maybe.” He’s right though – I do miss him.

“Come inside then…”

I draw in a deep breath and open the door. Juha’s up to his neck in foam and has fun moving it about and blowing at it. He looks utterly relaxed and happy. His eyes lighten up further at seeing me barely naked, and I guess that if things were up to him, I would be without boxers by now. I’m lucky that he’s in the bath tub!

Juha cocks his head and gives me a thoughtful look. “Too bad that the tub is too small to hold the two of us.”

When I bought that tub I didn’t think it needed to fit two! I sit down on the edge of the tub and emerge my hand in the foam. Juha still gives me that look and I can tell my action puzzles him. “About what happened in the morning…” I start, but then grow quiet.

“About me bringing you to orgasm, you mean?”

The foam hides Juha’s hands from view and I wonder if he’s touching himself. “I didn’t return the favor yet.”

“You don’t have to,” Juha says softly. “I didn’t do it because I expected payback.”

“Then why did you do it?” I move closer to Juha and stroke his hair, which is dripping wet by now.

“Because I thought you needed it… You fight so hard to keep me at a distance, but at the same time, it’s obvious that you crave my touch…”

His reply makes sense, I guess. I lean in closer, palm his cheek in my hand, and bring him in for a kiss. This time I take possession of his mouth, eager as I am to take the lead. Juha’s reaction is instant and just as I expected. He tries to get closer to me, deepen the kiss, and to get his hands on me. He wants me as much as I want him, but unfortunately for him, I’m not ready yet to go all the way. We’re already moving faster than I had planned. My right hand slips back into the water and comes to rest against his chest. I caress his skin, which makes Juha moan loudly and I allow for my hand to travel lower. Juha’s eyes drill into mine, as if he wants to determine why I’m doing this. I don’t know what he sees in them, but he seems satisfied and lets me set the pace.

I curl my fingers around his cock, which is already hard, and massage him. Juha’s rather vocal now that I’m touching him – he’s moaning and sometimes a growl escapes his lips, so I judge it best to go back to kissing him. As my lips cover his and absorb the sounds he’s making, I realize that this is what I wanted all along. This is the intimacy I’ve been searching for – and never found. Juha is it – that’s the simple truth.

Juha suddenly tenses against me and bites onto my bottom lip. A moment later, he grows limp and I smile contently. It didn’t take him long to come: he must have been on edge since he brought me to orgasm this morning. “Juha, you’re amazing…” The smile that he graces me with is oddly shy and I love seeing that expression in his eyes.

“You’re special too,” Juha whispers in a sated voice. “I didn’t expect you to do that… I might have fantasized about it, but I didn’t think you’d do it.”

I nod, understanding why he’d think that. “I feel more comfortable around you… I’ve accepted that I like to touch you – and that I want to touch you. It feels like I’ve found the other half of my soul. For the first time in ages I feel complete…” Juha moistens his lips and partly rises from the water. He wraps his arms around my neck and rests his brow against mine. The water drips from his back and chest and he looks even more desirable than he did a moment ago. There’s something special about him…

“Maybe we’re meant to be together? Tommi, don’t laugh at me, but I do believe that there’s one person you’re supposed to live out your life with. I thought I had found that person when I had married my wife, but it didn’t take me long to figure out my mistake. As a result, I’m careful when it comes down to choosing lovers. Around you, I feel right – I feel like I’ve found my place in the universe…” I must have given him a rather dumbfounded look, because then Juha adds, “And no, I’m not drunk! I’m serious!”

Using my thumb, I caress his face and trace his jaw line. “I think you’re right, to be honest… This feels right…”

“At the moment it feels cold and wet,” Juha grins and shivers now that the water is cooling down. “Do you mind letting me out of the tub and slipping into something warm?”

“I’ll get you a morning robe…” I don’t want to let go of Juha, but I reassure myself that I can cuddle up to him later. I press a kiss onto his lips and study his face – damn, I love this man…

~~~

I find Juha on the bed, sitting cross-legged, and brushing his hair. He tucked my morning robe around him and has a preoccupied look on his face. I lean against the doorway and study him. “What are you thinking about?” I’m truly curious as to find out what’s going on in his head. Juha puts down the brush and looks at me in that particular way.

“I’m wondering if I should dye my hair red again… I don’t like the black as much I thought – it’s rather boring.”

“I remember seeing pictures of you with red hair – why not? It seemed to suit you, and honestly? The black makes you a bit pale…” Juha pets the space on the bed next to him and I walk over to him. I sit down and take his right hand in mine. “Tomorrow’s Sunday already and you haven’t told me yet when you’re heading home.”

“Maybe it would be best if I took the first train home on Monday morning? I don’t start work until three in the afternoon.”

“I like that idea… That way, I get to spend more time with you!” I rest my hand at the nape of Juha’s neck and inch closer so I can kiss him. “I’m going to miss having you about,” I admit.

“I’m still here, so don’t think about that yet.” Juha moves and crawls onto my lap.

I feel relieved that I still got my boxers on, otherwise Juha would start testing my boundaries again, especially since he’s naked beneath that morning robe. “Behave…” I tell him. Although I truly enjoyed the intimacy we shared so far I don’t want to go any further yet.

Juha smiles and nods. “If that’s what you want… I achieved my goals for today, so I don’t mind.”

“Your goals?” I arch an eyebrow at him.

“Seducing you and getting you to touch me,” Juha explains smugly.

“In that case I don’t want to know your goals regarding tomorrow!”

“I wouldn’t tell you anyways,” Juha comments as he shrugs out of my morning robe. “Are we going to sleep then?”

I swallow hard at seeing him naked again. Juha moves with grace and everything about him seems perfect.

“Tommi?” This time it’s Juha who arches an eyebrow questioningly. “It’s all yours, by the way, if you want it.” Juha gives me a wink and then lies down on his side.

I need to draw in several deep breaths to get back in control. Juha knows how to push my buttons and the way he said that made it go from mere sensual to sexual. “It’s probably best we go to sleep now…”

Juha chuckles. “I’ll try to keep my hands to myself, but when I’m asleep I can’t vouch for my actions.”

Is that supposed to be a warning? Or a threat? I lie down next to him and Juha moves into my arms. I pull the comforter close and get distracted when Juha’s breath caresses my chest each time he exhales. “Stop doing that.”

“What? Breathing?” Juha raises his head and laughs. “In that case I would die!”

“Okay, you can continue to breathe, but just don’t do that!” He must know what I’m talking about!

“You mean this?”

I shouldn’t have brought it up, because now it’s the tip of Juha’s tongue that moves across my chest and not just his breath. “You promised…”

“Sorry, can’t help it…” Juha settles deeper into my arms and sighs contently. “I could get used to this…”

I stroke his still damp hair and think the same thing. I like the fact that someone’s close during the night and Juha fits perfectly against me. I have the feeling that I will find it difficult to sleep peacefully once he’s back in Oulu.

~~~

I wake during the night because Juha’s moving about in his sleep. He mumbles words I can’t decipher and I figure he’s having a bad dream. I stroke his hair and pull him closer to me. Juha settles down again and seems more comfortable.

I try to go back to sleep, but it isn’t working, so I settle for watching Juha instead. I didn’t make any plans for Sunday, so I will probably let him decide what to do. Or hold on, that might get me into trouble though!

I continue to stroke his hair and a press a kiss onto his brow. I can’t believe how quickly I fell in love with him and it still amazes me that the feeling is mutual.

~~~

What’s that smell? My nostrils twitch and the coffee flavor I’m smelling makes me open my eyes. I’m still in bed so how can I smell coffee?

“Surprise! I made breakfast!”

For some reason Juha’s already awake and awfully chipper. He sits next to me, cross-legged, which seems to be his favorite position, and gives me an expectant look. I follow the direction of his stare and realize there’s a fully loaded tray at the foot end of the bed. I elbow myself into a sitting position and seek out Juha’s gaze again. “That’s a sweet thing of you to do, but you didn’t –“ I don’t get a chance to finish my sentence as Juha quickly leans in closer to silence me with a kiss.

“All right, I get it… I won’t complain,” I tell Juha and smile. “You even made bacon and eggs.”

“Sure, you’ll need your strength today,” Juha quips and winks at me.

I choose to ignore that comment, judging it best not to give Juha a chance to elaborate on it. A quick look at my wrist watch tells me that we’re up early again as it’s only nine in the morning. “Don’t you ever sleep late?”

“Seldom,” Juha admits. “I like to enjoy the day – you can’t do that when you sleep late.” He leans against the head board and sips from his coffee. “So what are your plans for today?”

Caught – I didn’t think about it and now I can’t come up with something at the spot. “I thought we could be lazy.”

Juha raises his arm and wags a finger at me. “You can be lazy tomorrow when I’m gone. I want to spend time with you, and I know you well enough to realize that you don’t want to spend the day in bed, or am I mistaken?”

“You’re right,” I reply quickly. “I would have to fight you off all day!”

Juha bursts out laughing and nods repeatedly. “Tommi, you coward!”

Well, I guess he’s right, so I’m not commenting on it. “How about going for a walk and have lunch in town? We might catch a movie or attend a gig? What would you like to do, Juha? Excluding sex.” I wisely add that last part.

“Hum, you limited my choices by adding that – pity!” Juha’s eyes twinkle in a naughty way. “Let’s have breakfast and after that, going for a walk sounds good.”

~~~

“I like it here,” Juha says after pulling my hand into his lap. I took him down to the beach and it’s surprisingly empty here. I had expected all of Tampere to hang out here, but there are only a handful of people about, mostly older people. “I like being around water,” Juha adds. “And although there is a lot of it in Helsinki as well, it never felt right – not like when you’re in Oulu or Tampere.”

I’m really happy that he likes being here. It might increase my chances of making Juha move here eventually. I can’t believe I’m actually thinking that far ahead, but yes, in the back of my mind I wonder if I can talk Juha into moving here – not right now, of course, but once we’re in a steady relationship.

“You seem preoccupied,” Juha remarks as he strokes the back of my hand. “Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”

“I’m happy,” I reply truthfully. “And maybe I’m thinking of ways to make sure you want to come back to Tampere.”

“Not to Tampere,” Juha corrects me, “But to you.”

He’s making me blush, damnit! “How do you do that?”

Juha smiles knowingly, but doesn’t explain. Instead, he takes hold of a stone and skips it across the water. It skips three times, but then it disappears beneath the surface. “Is there a chance you will drive up to Oulu next weekend to visit?”

I had been expecting that question and I’m surprised he waited that long to ask. “I already checked my agenda… Chances are pretty good that I will be there.”

Juha’s smile brightens further. “Do you remember my roof garden?”

I nod, of course I do – it was heaven until that thunderstorm took it apart.

“My parents started to work on rebuilding it. They’ve replaced most of the plants and it’s almost back to normal.”

“That’s good news…” I really liked sitting out there. “I wish I had a garden like that, or a balcony… We could sit there instead of having to go outside.”

“Maintaining it is a lot of work.” Juha suddenly moves and shifts toward me. He faces me and looks me in the eye. “A relationship takes work too.”

In a way, it should feel odd discussing such a serious subject when we’re merely getting together, but Juha’s right to address it. “I can’t promise everything will be perfect, but I’m willing to put a lot of effort into it.”

“That’s good enough for me.” Juha rests his back against my chest and covers my right hand with his. “I know there will be problems – probably even fights…but I expect to win those!”

Juha’s comment makes me chuckle. “I would have been surprised if things were differently.” Juha grows quiet and I enjoy feeling his weight against me. If it were up to me, we could stay like this forever.

~~~

Against all odds, Juha behaves during the rest of the day. He continues to tease me, but keeps his hands to himself and I appreciate that. During his first visit a lot of things happened – and I’m not merely referring to the intimacy we shared – but we also managed to balance our relationship.

I wrap an arm around his shoulder when we exit El Toro. We could have eaten at home, but I wanted to take him out for dinner and maybe, I wanted to show him off. “At what time does your train leave?” I ask Juha as we make our way home.

“At eight… It could be worse,” Juha remarks as he presses his body closer against mine.

He’s right – at least this way we can still sleep close to each other. We quietly walk home and even Juha doesn’t seem to feel the need to talk. It’s feels natural and comforting in a way. When we get to my apartment, Juha heads for the living room and settles down on the couch. I relish the silent mood that has taken him as it shows me yet another side to him. “Do you care for a drink?”

Juha raises his head and nods. “I suppose you don’t have any wine?”

It’s my turn to surprise him again. “I do. I bought some on Friday, knowing you like it. Is white wine fine?”

Juha nods again. “It’s perfect.”

While I fetch his wine and a bottle of non alcoholic beer for me, I realize how much I’ve already gotten used to having him around. Coming home to an empty apartment tomorrow will be tough.

Upon my return to the living room, I find that Juha has lit the candles which I keep around for decoration mostly. He has also put on some relaxing music and dimmed the light, creating a rather romantic setting. I trust him to keep his promise to behave and hand him the wine. He appears melancholic, quiet, and even pensive in a way. I sit down next to him, and when Juha raises an arm, I move closer to him. In a way, this feels more intimate than having him bring me to orgasm. A quiet, yet strong energy seems to engulf him and I want to be a part of it. “I didn’t know you could be like this too,” I whisper eventually.

“There are many sides to me,” Juha admits after a moment’s thought. “Most of the time, I’m hyper active and cheerful, but I can do quiet too. Do you mind?”

“Not at all. I like this side to you.”

Juha sips from his wine and then raises his glass to point at the window. “There’s a full moon tonight.”

I detect a strange sadness to his voice and cock my head so I can look at his face. Juha’s smiling though and my worries are put to rest.

“It’s a pity that the night isn’t any darker – than you would see the moon clearer…I like the moon… Seeing it full and shining like that.”

Some of the lyrics which he wrote for For My Pain come to my mind and I realize I’m dealing with a poet at heart. No reason to worry about the odd mood swing – it’s the artist inside him.

“I don’t care much for the sun,” Juha continues. “But the moon is a different matter.”

“Maybe you should write another song about it?” I suggest.

“I don’t have much time for song writing at the moment. Either I’m working, or I’m entertaining you,” Juha quips.

“Maybe you’ll find the time you need in the future,” I offer. “Juha, can I ask you something? You’re acting odd…”

“It’s the moon,” Juha says softly. “It always has a strange effect on me… When I was younger, I was a sleepwalker and I would talk in my sleep all night. Things got better, but when there’s a full moon, it still sometimes affects me.”

“You talked in your sleep last night, but I couldn’t make any sense of what you were saying.”

“It happens sometimes,” Juha confirms and takes another sip of his wine. “I’ll let you in on a secret – I write best when there’s a full moon in the sky… Somehow the melodies just appear in my brain then – and then the words to accompany them too.” Juha chuckles. “Are you sure you still want to be with me? I must sound mad!”

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassure him and caress his face. “I know what artists can get like…”

“Thanks for understanding…”

Juha curls up to me and I join him in staring at the moon – I might not experience the draw he feels, but I sense its magic too.

~~~

Saying goodbye to Juha – even for just a few days – is harder than I thought. I drove him to the train station and we’re waiting for his train to arrive. The thought that I can’t be with him until Friday late makes me feel odd. I miss him already—how strange is that?

“That should be the train to Oulu…” Juha points toward the arriving train. “Call me tomorrow evening… I’ll be at home around eight…”

“I don’t want to let you go, damnit…” Juha’s in my arms and that’s where he should stay.

“You must… My boss won’t like it when I show up late for work… and even worse, Tigger won’t forgive me for making him stay extra with Mikko.”

I smile – Juha did it again. “I can’t wait to meet this guy.”

“I’ll see what I can do about us having a drink together during the weekend. Tommi, you really need to let me go now…”

The train came to a stop a minute ago and Juha’s right: I need to let him board it. “Take good care of yourself, Juha…”

“Don’t worry, Tommi… I’ll be just fine!”

Juha kisses me on the lips and then I force myself to let go. “I love you…” I admit in a shaky voice. “It might be early to say the words, but I must… I love you.”

“I love you too, Tommi…”

Juha kisses me again, but then his lips desert mine. He gets onboard of the train and waves at me as the doors close. I raise my arm to wave back at him, but when the train gets into motion Juha is quickly gone from view. I stand there, feeling lonely – Fuck, I miss him already!

TBC

Part 6

It’s unusual for me to be awake so early, but for some reason I can’t go back to sleep. I woke because I needed to visit the bathroom and when I got back to bed, Arttu was still asleep. As I didn’t want to wake him, I used extra caution when slipping into his arms again. I’ve been looking at him for over an hour now and am surprised that he didn’t wake up because of it. Normally he senses it when I watch him like that.

I’m still processing the things Jonne said about me possibly moving out. I got the impression that he rather wants me close, but he wouldn’t throw a fit about me moving out. I’m not sure how I feel about that; maybe I had hoped Jonne would tell me no – that would have simplified everything, but once Arttu finds out that Jonne’s okay with me getting my own place there won’t be any stopping him.

“You think too loudly…”

Arttu’s sleepy voice pulls me away from my thoughts and I’m displeased that he woke up after all, though I doubt my pondering is to blame for that. “Go back to sleep – it’s still early.” It’s only five in the morning and he can easily get two more hours of sleep before we need to get ready for university.

“How can I sleep when I know you’re being a drama queen again?” Arttu moves onto his side so he faces me. He raises his hand and caresses my face. “What’s keeping you awake?”

Do I tell him? I don’t feel comfortable lying to Arttu – but I don’t want any secrets between us either. “Don’t overreact though,” I tell him. Arttu’s eyes widen and he gives me another probing look. “Jonne brought up our living arrangements last night.”

It takes Arttu a moment to figure out what I’m hinting at, but in the end, he says, “About us getting our own place?”

“You’re smart,” I comment – that’s rather unfortunate for me as I had preferred to postpone this particular conversation. “Tommi joked about Jonne kicking out Ville, because Ville’s new, healthy habits, get on Jonne’s nerves. Jonne exploded and made it very clear that no one is moving out.”

“Ah…” The light, which lit up Arttu’s eyes earlier, dies again. “So you moving out is not going to happen either… Too bad… Yesterday, I had an interview at McDonalds – not the best place to work at, but they’re looking for people and I could work there for some hours. That way, we could save money and get our own place in a few months, but if Jonne’s going to put a stop to it…” Arttu’s voice fades and he smiles in a sad way.

Fuck, I can’t lie to him, and even more importantly, I don’t want Arttu to be sad when there’s no reason for it. “Later that evening, Jonne and I got to talk again and he wanted to know what’s up with you and me… If we had sex yet and stuff like that.” Feeling embarrassed I avert my gaze.

“Jonne’s way too curious for my taste,” Arttu says, but in a joking voice. “Or is he into voyeurism?”

“No! He just wants to know if I’m fine…”

“Are you?”

“ Of course I am!” I flip Arttu’s forehead and he gives me an insulted look, which I ignore. “What I am trying to tell you – if you’d give me the chance to do so! – is that he also asked me when you and I were getting our own place. To him, it seemed like the next step in our relationship.” Arttu’s eyes begin to twinkle again – he finally figured out what I wanted to tell him.

“Are you saying Jonne is okay with that? That he won’t stop you from moving out?”

Arttu’s is getting much too excited, but there’s nothing I can do about it. “That’s what I’m saying, but Arttu, we can’t move in together right away. We *do* need money and I want to live with Jonne and Ville a little longer.” Arttu nods, but I can tell his mind is in overdrive. “Not right away, okay?”

“I was thinking about moving in like six months…”

I love him for trying to reassure me. However, I know Arttu well enough to realize that he would move today if that were possible. “Let’s take our time finding an apartment… Chances are that they are way too expensive anyway.”

“And I’ll take that job at McDonalds,” Arttu says enthusiastically. “That way we can buy furniture and put down a deposit.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think,” I warn him. “I don’t have any savings and I doubt you have either.”

“That’s true,” Arttu admits. “But I have a rich brother who won’t mind helping me getting started.”

“Antti isn’t rich!” I chuckle, amused.

“He’s richer than me!” Arttu defends himself. “This is great news! I’ll start looking today! Maybe they have some nice apartments close to the university!”

Today – I knew he wouldn’t be able to wait those six months. “Arttu, slow down.”

“Sorry! I’m too enthusiastic, am I not? But I want this, Eero… I don’t want to worry about Jonne, Ville, Tommi, or Antti walking into our rooms!”

I understand where Arttu’s coming from. Some weeks ago, Antti walked in on us while we were making out and refused to leave until Arttu threw his smelly socks at him. “I don’t like that either, but we must be realistic.”

“It’s a good thing that I have you,” Arttu comments and locks his arms tightly around me. “You compensate my wild, impulsive side and keep me grounded. I’d love to live with you…”

“Me too, but let’s take this step by step,” I suggest.

“We’ll do that!” Arttu pulls me close and rests his head against my shoulder. “Can we get more sleep now?”

He’s asking me? He merely needs to stop talking! “Yes, we can, about ninety minutes… That is, if you stop talking and close your eyes!”

Arttu closes his eyes, but I can tell that he’s too excited to go back to sleep again. Who is he trying to fool? He’s much too awake for that!

“Eero?”

I sigh: I knew Arttu couldn’t possibly stay quiet. “Yes?”

“Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? Antti’s out for the evening and we have the apartment to ourselves.”

I quickly consider my options. “I *do* need to study for my upcoming test, but I should be able to squeeze you in for tonight.”

Arttu chuckles. “Now that you brought up squeezing…”

Oh, what did I do this time? I know that tone and Arttu doesn’t disappoint me—a moment later his right hand squeezes my buttock – rather harshly!

“Maybe tonight we can do other stuff as well –after dinner?” Arttu suggests and I catch the excited tone to his voice.

“Maybe, let’s see what happens…” It probably depends on the mood I’ll be in this evening. Arttu accepts my reply and finally calms down. His breathing deepens and slows down; it tells that me he’s asleep again – thankfully!

~~~

“I’m off now… I’ll see you at my home for dinner then… Let’s say at seven!” Arttu resembles a hurricane as he moves through the apartment. One moment he’s in the kitchen, then he’s in the bathroom, or my bedroom. I lost track of him when he got up this morning. I wished I had some of his energy: I feel sluggish, however, and hope that coffee will help me clear my mind. Arttu rushes toward me, presses a sloppy – and rather wet—kiss onto my lips, and then storms out of the kitchen. Finally – some peace and quiet!

Jonne, who sits at the kitchen table opposite me, gives me an amused look. “And you want to live together with him? You’re rather brave!”

“I was thinking about that just now,” I admit. “Arttu will drive me crazy before the first month is up!” Jonne chuckles: we both know that it won’t be that bad.

“I suspect him to settle down once he has you to himself,” Jonne adds. “I’ve seldom seen someone that much in love – Arttu adores everything about you.”

“He’s blind,” I comment calmly. “There isn’t anything to adore about me.”

“Hey, no putting yourself down, remember?” Jonne reaches across the table and covers my hand with his. He squeezes lightly and smiles. “So what are your plans for the day?”

“I’m going to study… I have this test coming up and it’s important… If I pass it, I can skip the classes I attended before I dropped out.”

“That’s good news! And how is studying going?”

“Good, as long as Arttu stays away. I guess he realizes that I need time to study, as he only drops by during the evening. That way, I might actually pass my test.”

“Before I let you go study… I would like to ask you one more thing… Did Arttu and you discuss moving in together?”

I look at Jonne in order to find out what kind of mood he is in. He seems relaxed though, and calmly sips his coffee. “Arttu’s eager to get our own place and I try to slow him down.”

Jonne nods. “And why do you do that? Don’t you feel comfortable with the idea of living with an Aatamila?”

Jonne’s question causes me to chuckle. “That’s not it…” I study Jonne again and decide to be honest. “I’m not sure we can pull it off – money wise, I mean. Arttu wants to get a part time job, but I decided against doing that. I tried that once before and found out that I’m no good at balancing work and my studies. I can only concentrate on one thing at the time.” Jonne nods and looks attentively at me. It feels good that he takes my worries seriously. “I would like to live together with him, don’t get me wrong, but I doubt we’re ready yet.”

“I understand your worries,” Jonne replies thoughtfully. “And I didn’t think I would actually say this, but I believe you should take this step.”

I stare at him in wonder. “But Jonne…!”

Jonne raises a hand. “No, hear me out. Finance-wise, you should manage. You get money now that you’re studying and Tommi also gives you an allowance. Together with any money Arttu will bring into the relationship, you should be able to rent a small apartment – not in the best neighborhood, but it should be doable. And knowing Antti the way I do, he will help as well.”

“I’m scared,” I admit eventually. “I’m scared of what will happen if we screw up.”

“Then you move back in with me and Arttu can always live with Antti. Eero, you might not believe it, but you’re not running any risks.”

Maybe he’s right… Maybe I haven’t realized my changed living arrangements in full. “Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to lose everything I’ve gained so far… A year ago, I was on my own… I lived in a tiny student room and was broke.”

“And now you have a security blanket.” Jonne takes hold of my hand again and squeezes it. “You have a family who will support you – emotionally and financially.”

“But I don’t want you having to pay for my apartment –that’s not your job.” I don’t feel comfortable taking their money like that.

“Eero, you’re my brother – you’re family. Tommi, Ville, and I want to support you. We want you to grow, Eero, and that includes emotionally. I understand that you feel safe here, but like I said before, you’ll have to take the next step eventually. Why don’t you let Arttu look for a small, but comfortable apartment? And once he has found one, and we know he will, then we will sit down, together with Antti, and figure out if it’s financially doable, all right?”

I smile at Jonne and squeeze his hand in turn. “Thanks – for everything.” Jonne has been my savior in so many ways and now he’s supporting me again.

“Don’t you need to study?” Jonne gives me a wink. “You need to pass that test, don’t you?”

“Actually, you’re right. I need to get started.” I rise from the chair, lean in closer, and hug Jonne tightly. “I love you…” It needs out, because I want him to know just how much he means to me.

“I love you too, little brother, now move your ass and start studying!”

I can’t stop smiling… Whenever I’m in trouble, Jonne makes it better.

~~~

“How are you doing? Jonne said…”

Hum? What? Who? Why? I jerk awake and stare ahead. Damn it, I fell asleep again while studying! This way I will never pass that damn test!

“Eero? Is everything fine? I didn’t startle you, did I?”

It takes me a moment to realize it’s Tommi and not Jonne standing next to my desk. “What are you doing here?” I didn’t know he was dropping by.

“I can go away again if you don’t want me close! What kind of welcome is that?”

Tommi tries to sound angry, but fails to pull it off. The huge smile on his face tells me he actually feels amused and maybe even a bit pleased at having found me asleep. “Sorry… I dozed off. Fuck, I need to stay awake… I need coffee.”

“Stay put… I’ll get you some in a moment…” Tommi pulls up a chair to the desk and sits down next to me. “Maybe you should tell Arttu not to keep you awake all night.”

“We talked…” I didn’t want to tell Tommi that, but it slipped.

“Probably about finding your own place? Jonne told me that you would like that, but you also seem to struggle with some issues…”

Great -- I bared my soul to Jonne this morning and now Tommi wants me to do the same thing. I guess that’s what having brothers is all about. I’m still not used to it though. “And now you want to discuss it too?”

“Partly,” Tommi admits. “I just want to tell you that I’ll help with the rent… I’m not going to pay for all of it, but I’ll help out.”

“You don’t need to do that… Arttu and I should be able to pay for everything ourselves.” I *do* feel bad about accepting money from Tommi.

“I realize you’re used to taking care of yourself,” Tommi says in a remarkably soft voice. “You never had anyone to fall back on. You were on your own, but you have a family now. Just let us help, Eero.”

They know me so damn well. “It’s hard for me…”

“You’d make me happy if you’d let me help, okay?”

Tommi’s expression tells me that he’s being honest. “Maybe at first… When we’re getting started…”

“Let’s see what happens, all right?” Tommi gets to his feet and stretches. “I can do with some coffee too. Care to tag along into the kitchen?”

“Sure, why not… I doubt I will get anymore studying done like this…” I look at the clock and find it’s seven PM. I was supposed to meet Arttu at his apartment for dinner, wasn’t I? I should get going after I had coffee with Tommi. I’d better check my phone though before I head over there – maybe Arttu’s running late.

I sit down at the kitchen table while Tommi puts the coffee maker to good use. I uncover my phone and am surprised that Arttu hasn’t contacted me yet. “I need to call Arttu, but I’ll be really quick about it.”

“Take your time… Coffee isn’t ready yet anyway.”

I give Tommi a thankful look and dial Arttu’s number. How odd, he’s isn’t answering. Well, maybe he’s taking a shower and doesn’t hear it ring. I decide to send him a message instead.

<Hey, it’s me. How late do you want me to show up? Do I need to bring dinner or do you have food at home? Love you, Eero.>

I blush and send the message. For some reason, writing Arttu that I love him still feels odd. “Done.” I put the phone next to me, just in case Arttu is really fast about answering it, and accept the coffee Tommi hands me. “So how did Juha’s visit go?” I feel guilty about not having asked about it earlier, as I know Juha is important to Tommi.

“Everything went well – even better than I expected…”

The dreamy look in Tommi’s eyes tells me everything I need to know. “You’re in love with him.”

“And the feeling is mutual. I still can’t believe it, you know… Until Juha came along, each time I fell in love the other person let me down. Juha might be the real thing – I really hope so.”

I rest my hand on his shoulder and rub his skin beneath the sweater. “When I met Arttu, I couldn’t believe my luck either, but look at me now.”

“You’re right, and I’m working on losing my insecurities, but they don’t go away overnight.”

“I know about that too…” I understand Tommi only too well. “So what are your plans?”

“I’m flying to Oulu Friday afternoon. I already booked my flight. I’ll stay for the weekend… Hopefully, if everything goes well, Juha might consider moving to Tampere, but I don’t expect for that to happen for some time. We need to work on our relationship first.”

I understand. “Get to know Juha better and have fun…” I steal a look at my phone, but Arttu hasn’t replied yet – which is very odd.

“You look worried,” Tommi says in a thoughtful voice.

“It’s not like Arttu to let a message go unanswered. He’s addicted to his phone and takes it with him everywhere he goes.”

“Why don’t you call him instead?” Tommi suggests.

I nod. “I’m going to do just that.” I dial his number again and wait. The phone rings several times, and yet, there’s no answer. “I’m getting worried…” I end the call, stare at the phone, and then look at Tommi.

“It’s probably nothing. Maybe his battery is dead, or he’s stuck in the bathroom,” Tommi says in an effort to reassure me. He finishes his coffee and looks at me again. “I should get going, but if you want me to, I’ll stay.”

“Where’s Jonne, by the way?” Jonne didn’t mention being away from home tonight.

“Jussi asked him to tag along. The Unklubi guys have a gig tonight.” I frown at Tommi’s answer as something seems off. Tommi catches on and shrugs. “Jonne tends to bury himself at home. He’s like a hermit at times, so when he mentioned going to their gig tonight, I cheered him on. Jonne wanted to decline initially. I do hope that he eventually gets over Christus – it’s not healthy, locking himself away like that.”

I hadn’t realized that yet – not fully anyways, but Tommi’s right: most of the time, Jonne stays at home. Maybe I can lure Jonne outside in the future. “I never realized he was that deeply in love with Christus… And I agree, I hope he gets over him as well – Jonne deserves to be happy.”

I quickly look at my phone again and wonder why Arttu isn’t answering. “Tommi, I need to go… I need to check on Arttu.”

“Do you know where to find him? I understand that you’re worried, but Arttu’s probably merely busy and hasn’t looked at his phone yet.”

I know what Tommi’s doing, but I’m not buying it. I know Arttu – there’s no way that he wouldn’t answer me!

“Maybe he fell asleep like you did earlier…”

“Even if he did, the phone’s ringing would wake him. I know what Arttu’s like!”

“I’ll drive you to his place… That’s faster and safer… I don’t want you to run into a car because you’re rushing and not watching where you’re going.”

My first reaction is to decline Tommi’s offer, but then I catch myself. I’m no longer on my own – I have brothers now – a family, and they want to help. “Thanks, Tommi!” I head for my room, put on my shoes and coat, and join Tommi in the hallway. “I’m probably overreacting, but I know Arttu wouldn’t stay away from his phone for that long!”

“It’s okay, Eero. You’re worried – that’s reason enough for me to trust your judgment.”

Tommi’s words, and the tone of his voice, get to me. Tommi supports me, no matter what, and I feel grateful for that. “You’d do a lot for me, wouldn’t you?” I hadn’t fully realized that until now.

Tommi nods. “Anything legal, and maybe even something illegal too.”

I give him a quick hug, collect my shoulder bag and keys, and we head downstairs. I’m grateful that Tommi parked his car in front of our building and we quickly get into the car. Tommi sits down next to me, starts the car, and heads for Antti’s apartment.

I uncover my phone again, dial Arttu’s number, and let it ring. “Come on, Arttu, don’t do this to me!” I can’t explain why I’m this worried – maybe I’m overreacting, but a terrible sense of dread washes over me. “Fuck, Tommi, something has happened to him! Something bad! Don’t ask me how I know it, but I do!”

“Eero, calm down – there’s no reason to stress… There’s probably a good reason why Arttu isn’t answering.”

“Something’s wrong, Tommi…terribly wrong…” I’m not going to hyperventilate, damn it! I stopped doing that years ago! I can control this! I’m in control of my emotions!

“Beep…Beep…”

I stare at my phone and Arttu’s name lights up in the display. “Thank God…” I draw in a deep breath and tell myself to relax. Nothing is wrong – all is well. Tommi was right and Arttu is finally getting back to me. As we have reached the building Antti’s apartment is in, Tommi parks the car and we exit it.

“See? Now answer it!” Tommi says and grins. He locks the car, turns toward me, and gives me an expectant look.

I press the button, and am about to tell Arttu how much he scared me, when an unknown voice echoes from the phone.

“Are you Eero Honkanen? This is doctor Valtonen… I’m calling on behalf of a patient of mine, Arttu Aatimala…”

TBC

Part 7

“Tommi…” I grab hold of his shoulder and steady myself. Tommi gives me an odd look, but I ignore it. “I knew it! How bad is he?” I must be strong now: I can crash later.

“Arttu had an accident earlier today. He was riding his bicycle when a car driver opened his car door. Arttu crashed into the door and was catapulted into the air.”

I pull Tommi close and hold the phone in such a way that he can listen along. “How bad is he?” Please don’t let him be dead – Oh my God, I couldn’t deal with that! I couldn’t! Tommi’s arm slips around my shoulder and I’m grateful for his support.

“He was rather lucky—he’s bruised, but didn’t suffer any major injuries.”

“Oh God, thank you…” That’s all I needed to hear. Arttu’s alive!

“Luckily for him, he didn’t break anything, but his right leg is black and blue and rather painful. It will take time before he can use it in a normal way again. His right shoulder was dislocated when they brought him in and we fixed that. He’ll have to wear a sling for some time, but that will heal too.”

“Anything else?” So far, it sounds painful, but not terribly serious. I lean into Tommi, who has a good grip on me and I let myself fall, trusting Tommi to catch me should I suffer an emotional breakdown. Arttu is my world – I couldn’t possibly live without him.

“He landed on his head. Thankfully for him, he has a remarkably thick skull. We asked him some routine questions, and although his speech pattern is fine, and he knew his name, numbers confuse him.”

I sigh. I’m grateful I’m dating an Aatmila – they’re rather resilient!

“We’re keeping him overnight, but you can pick him up in the morning – providing there are no complications. You might also want to call the rest of his family.”

“Sure, I’ll do that.” I’ll try to reach Antti, but didn’t Arttu mention that his older brother was out of town for the next few days? “Can I talk to him?” I need to hear Arttu’s voice – that would assure me that he’s be fine.

“I’m sorry – you can’t. Arttu’s asleep at the moment. After we ruled out a concussion, we administered him a drug so he could fall asleep. You don’t need to worry about him: it will take several weeks for Arttu to heal, but he will be fine in the end. He was extremely lucky.”

“Thank you…” I close my eyes and try to calm down my sped up breathing. I’m not going to fucking hyperventilate in front of Tommi!

“I’ll ask a nurse to call you in the morning so you know when to pick him up.”

“Thank you… Thank you so much!” I’m losing the fight to control my breathing: my shaking hands and lightheadedness tell me so.

“You’re welcome… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The physician ends the call and I slump against Tommi, who catches me and holds me tight. “I’m sorry…”

“What are you sorry for…. Eero…?”

My breathing continues to speed up and I’m fighting for breath. I sink unto my knees and Tommi gently lowers me onto the street. “Sor….ry…” I shouldn’t be talking, I know that, but I feel bad – I don’t want Tommi to see me this way! Even though my eyes are wide open, everything grows dark around me and I feel like I’m about to faint: that much for being strong!

“Eero, I want you to listen to me…”

Tommi’s voice reaches me from between the dark cobwebs that cover my mind and I latch onto it.

“Slow down… Count to three… Then breathe… One, two, three… Breathe in… One, two, three, and out again… One, two, three, and in… One, two, three and out…”

I don’t know where Tommi learned that, but it’s helping. I focus on him count and little by little, my breathing slows down.

“Let’s count to five now… One, two, three, four, five and in… One, two, three, four, five and out… Yes, that’s it…”

Tommi continues and I count along with him in my mind. It takes me a few minutes, but then I’m calm enough to raise my head and look at my brother. Tommi gives me a reassuring smile and nods.

“That’s it, Eero… Keep counting… You’re doing fine… No reason to panic… I’ve got you…”

I regained control over my breathing, but don’t move away from Tommi yet. Part of the reason why I calmed so quickly was Tommi being close and holding me. “Sorry,” I whisper, as I feel the need to explain my embarrassing episode. “That hasn’t happened for years… I thought it was gone.”

“Don’t worry about it. You had some bad news and the emotions needed out.”

Damn, this is really embarrassing; we’re sitting on the pavement and I’m so fucking relieved that no one is near. “You knew what to do…” How can that be?

“When Jonne first got started with Negative, he had terrible stage fright. He’d panic and hyperventilate each time they had a gig and I got pretty good at talking him out of his fear.”

I push myself back onto my feet, and Tommi moves along; he doesn’t let me go though and keeps his arm wrapped around my shoulder. “What do I do now?”

“Do you have a key to Antti’s apartment? If so, we’re going inside, have a drink, and then I’ll try to get hold of Antti.”

“Sure, I have a key…” I rummage about in my shoulder bag and present it to Tommi – my hand still shakes and Tommi quickly wraps his fingers around it.

“You need to sit down and rest…” Tommi leads me toward the building and he unlocks the front door. A minute later, we step into the living room and I collapse onto the couch. I rest the back of my head against the comfort of the sofa and draw in a deep breath. I wait ten seconds before releasing it again and repeat the procedure until I feel calm.

“Drink this…”

Tommi suddenly appears and presents me with a glass that holds a transparent liquid. I blink at it as I can’t imagine Tommi giving me anything alcoholic at the moment. I sniff at it, and as it doesn’t carry a scent, I sip. It’s water – I should have known that. It’s ice cold though and my body responds by shivering.

“I left a message on Antti’s voicemail as he isn’t answering any calls,” Tommi explains and sits down next to me. “Where the hell is he anyways?”

“Arttu mentioned his brother going to Helsinki for some days…”

“Ah, then he’s partying and won’t be answering my call… It’s up to us, Eero.”

I nod absentmindedly. “Tommi… Arttu had an accident…” My brain still struggles to accept that fact. “He’s injured and they’re keeping him overnight.”

Tommi nods and removes the empty glass from my fingers. He puts it on the coffee table and wraps his arms around me. I move into the embrace, claw at his sweater, and hide my face against his shoulder. I’m fighting down my tears, but in the end, I fail, and they drip from my face anyways. “He could have died!”

“But he didn’t…”

Tommi strokes my back, and like at the beach house, the touch calms me down. My tears dry, I lift my head away from his shoulder, and manage a smile. “I’m glad you’re here…”

“And I’m happy Arttu is merely bruised…”

This time, I smile warmly at Tommi. “He’ll be a handful when he gets home.”

“He’ll be bossing you around in no time.” Tommi continues to rub my back and I relax further. “Where are you taking him? Back here or to your place?”

“I’ll leave that up to him – wherever he feels most comfortable. That way, he might be less grumpy.” I can’t give into despair again – I need to stay in control and composed.

“Can you walk? I’d like to take you home and if possible lie down, either in bed or on the couch.”

“I’m not the one who had the accident,” I remind Tommi and wonder why he’s reacting like this.

“No, but you had a full blown panic attack and you practically fainted earlier. Can you blame me for being worried?”

Okay, if he puts it like that he’s right, but I still think he’s overreacting. “Okay, let’s go home then… I can walk.” At least, I hope so!

~~~

The lights are on when we get back, so either Jonne, or Ville is at home – or maybe even both of them. “You don’t need to stay,” I tell Tommi and point at the lights. “You probably want to go home yourself.” Tommi however shakes his head.

“I’m staying…”

He sounds rather resolute, so I don’t bother trying to change his mind. Tommi unlocks the door, as my hands still shake, and takes my coat after I shrugged out of it.

“Ville? Jonne? Who’s home?” Tommi calls out unexpectedly, and rather loudly I might add – too loudly for my poor head, which still throbs somewhat.

“I am!”

It’s Jonne’s voice and it comes from the living room. Tommi turns me around and walks me in there. Jonne’s on the floor, leafing through magazines and several CD’s are spread all around him.

“Is anything wrong?” Jonne asks upon making eye contact with me. He rises from the floor, walks towards me, and stops me by placing his hands on my shoulders. “Eero, I’ve never seen you this pale – not even when you were ill.”

I moisten my lips and want to tell him what happened, but the words refuse to come. In the end, I look toward Tommi for help.

“Arttu had an accident and has to stay at the hospital for the night. He’s black and blue, but it’s nothing bad. We can collect him tomorrow.”

“Oh fuck…” Jonne immediately sits me down on the couch and rubs my hands. “How did you find out?”

“The doctor called,” I manage eventually. “I was supposed to have dinner with Arttu – at seven, but when he didn’t answer my calls, I… I knew something bad had happened, Jonne! I just knew it!”

“Hey, calm down… Arttu’s going to be fine…”

Jonne sounds worried and I feel guilty for making him feel like that – I don’t want that. “I’m calm now…”

“Now?” Jonne’s eyes narrow and I avert my gaze. “Eero?”

I shrug helplessly. “It’s nothing…”

Jonne looks at Tommi, and our older brother is going to tell him – I know that too. They don’t keep secrets in this family, and although I don’t like it, I’m not going to stop Tommi from telling what happened.

“Eero had a panic-attack… I had to talk him through it… Good thing I had lots of experience in the past.”

I sigh and lower my gaze. I understand why Tommi told Jonne, but I still don’t like it.

“I understand why you’d react that way…” Jonne cocks his head. “Eero, look at me? Please?”

As I can’t deny Jonne – and he damn well knows it! – I raise my head and look at him.

“Do you often have panic attacks? Or was this one unique?”

Oh fuck, I should have known he would be curious and ask questions! “I’ve had them in the past – when I was younger… I didn’t suffer from them for the last five years… It took me by surprise too.” Lying will get me nowhere – I know that. I’d better be honest.

Jonne considers my answer and then says, “This is probably not the best time to discuss this… Why don’t you go to bed and rest? I’ll join you in a moment… Don’t worry, I’ll keep you company – you won’t be able to sleep anyway and I don’t want you to overreact again.”

“Jonne, I’ve got it under control…” For now – but I don’t add that.

“Please, Eero, do as you’re told… Just this once…”

Jonne looks at me pleadingly and it makes me comply. I rise from the couch and make it into my bedroom – although my knees are still wobbly. I rid myself of my clothes and then select a T-shirt from my closet – it’s Arttu’s and still carries his scent. I slip into it and push back the comforter. I lie down, tuck it around me, and fight back my tears. Arttu’s okay – he’s alive, damn it! There’s no reason for me to cry or panic! I’m not that boy anymore – hiding in the dark and hoping evil won’t find me during the night. I’m through with that!

“You’re shaking yourself to pieces…” Suddenly Jonne sits down on the side of the bed. He lies down facing me and opens his arms. Immediately, I move into them and press my body against him. Jonne soothingly strokes my hair and whispers softly. “Everything’s fine, Eero. Tommi and I are here for you… You don’t have to deal with this alone. Tommi’s staying the night… He’s still trying to call Antti, who doesn’t answer, and is now calling Japa, hoping he knows where Antti can be found.”

“He doesn’t need to stay…” I’ve got Jonne – Tommi doesn’t need to do this. He should go home, call Juha, and catch some sleep.

“He wants to stay – he doesn’t want you to think he’s deserting you. Tommi wants you to know that you have his support.”

“I already know that… He was great – he talked me out of my panic attack…”

“He’s had lots of practice,” Jonne replies and I hear a smile in his voice. “Trust me, he knows what to do – dealing with my stage fright taught him!”

Jonne sounds chipper for some reason and I find myself smiling at him. “I wouldn’t know what to do if it weren’t for you guys.”

“That’s what family is for,” Jonne says and returns the smile. Then he looks toward the doorway, and as I follow his gaze, I too see Tommi standing there. “And? Did you reach anyone?”

“No, unfortunately not… Antti’s not answering and Japa has his voicemail on. My guess is that they’re partying the night away… We’ll have to wait for Antti to surface again.”

“And when he does, he will be so fucking mad for not being there when Arttu had his accident,” Jonne says. “But we’ll deal with that when we get there… Tommi, are you going to join us? We can move closer together – then the bed should be big enough.”

“Maybe later… I’m not giving up on finding Antti yet. I’ll call Sammy, Illu, and some other guys who might know where to find him.”

“Good luck… You know what Antti’s like when he decides to party.” Jonne gives Tommi a look that speaks of sympathy. Tommi however shrugs it away and leaves for the living room.

“I want you to rest,” Jonne continues. “Even if you can’t sleep, I want you to close your eyes and get some rest… That episode must have drained you and you want to be rested when you pick up Arttu, don’t you?”

Jonne actually made a valid point there – I was going to protest to this enforced rest, but maybe he’s right. I need my wits about when I collect Arttu, especially as I don’t know what state he’ll be in. He might give me hell, or he might be meek – you never know with an Aatamila! So I close my eyes and focus on Jonne’s soothing presence.

“Yes, that’s it… Try to sleep, and if you can’t, just get some rest. I’m staying and so is Tommi…”

Jonne’s reassuring words are the last thing I hear as I fall asleep – maybe they’re right and I’m exhausted after all.

~~~

“Hey, Eero… It’s time to wake up…”

It takes a moment for Jonne’s voice to register with me in the depths of my mind, but when it does, I open my eyes to look at him. Jonne sits on the side of the bed and looks rested. I smell shampoo on him and he also changed his outfit. He’s one step ahead of me then.

“Morning,” Jonne says softly. “We let you sleep because you needed it, but it’s time for you to get up. The hospital called and we can pick up Arttu in one hour. He’s doing fine… He slept through the night – just like you did.”

For one moment, I feel angry with Jonne for not waking me earlier, but then I realize he’s worried and wants me to be rested. “Thanks for staying last night.”

“You’re welcome… It’s a probably a good thing you didn’t notice Tommi joining us in bed. He went after the comforter and I fought him for it.” Jonne chuckles and his eyes shine with mirth.

It’s good to see Jonne like this – positive and ready to deal with the problems that will present itself to us during the day. Jonne being strong like that will help me face my problems and fears. “Is Tommi still around?” Then I could tell him how much his help means to me.

“Not at the moment: he has an appointment at his office, but he will be back in time to drive us to the hospital.”

“And Ville?” I’m surprised he isn’t around.

Jonne clears his throat by coughing and then shrugs helplessly. “If you ask me, he got lucky last night.”

In spite of being worried for Arttu, I grow curious. “He didn’t come home last night?”

“He didn’t…”

“Do you know if he left with someone?”

“The guy had long, brown hair, but there’s a number of guys around with hair like that… I’m sure he will tell us eventually.”

I nod – Ville’s entitled to some secrets, especially in this family where privacy never lasts. “Did anyone get a hold of Antti yet?”

“Not yet… Tommi talked to Sammy, and he said that he would keep an eye out for Antti. Tommi also reached Jack, who mentioned maybe knowing where to find Antti.”

Antti will be howling mad when he realizes he was unavailable during Arttu’s accident, but I can’t worry about that now. Arttu comes first. “I should get ready…”

“Yes, and once you’re ready, join me in the kitchen, will you? I made coffee – extra strong – at Tommi’s request.”

“I’ll be there…” Jonne leaves the room and I draw in a series of deep breaths. Silently, I thank God for putting Jonne on my path a year ago. I don’t dare to think of what my life would be like if Jonne hadn’t taken me in that night.

~~~

Twenty minutes later, I finally make it into the kitchen and sit down opposite Jonne, who pours me steaming hot coffee.

“You’ll need that…” Jonne adds loads of sugar and milk to it, even stirs it, and then shoves it my way. “Now, we still have some time left, so… Tell me, where are you taking Arttu? Back here?”

“I’ll let him decide…” I sip from my coffee and my face contorts in horror. “That’s horrible!”

“Just the way Tommi likes it,” Jonne replies and chuckles. “You can take Arttu back here, you know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, but I want him to decide where he feels most comfortable. I can imagine him wanting to go home because all of his stuff is there. When he does, I’m staying with him…”

Jonne nods. “Tommi and I will drop by regularly – as I said before, you’re not in this alone.”

“I know that… In the past, I had to depend on myself, but now, I have you guys to fall back on.” Jonne smiles, pleased, and puts a slice of toast onto my plate. He doesn’t have to tell me to eat – I know the drill by now. “Did you hear from Ville yet?”

“He called earlier… He asked if he should join us right away and I told him it was okay if he took his time… You don’t want too many people hovering over Arttu and… I was under the impression that Ville wasn’t alone. I hope that’s okay?”

“Sure…as long as you find out the name of the mystery guy he’s with!”

“I’ll do my best,” Jonne promises. “I’m glad you’re okay with it.”

“You’re right… We don’t want too many people about… I know what you’re like and with Tommi about as well…” I doubt I need to finish.

Jonne gets it and chuckles. “You’re right of course…“

“Did I hear my name?” Tommi steps into the kitchen and heads for the coffee maker. “I really need some,” he explains and drinks it black, which makes me shudder. “We still have ten minutes left before we need to leave.” Tommi turns toward me and cocks his head. “How are you doing today?”

“Better… I feel okay…” And it’s the truth – the panic that took me yesterday left for the most part. Recalling that I wanted to thank Tommi properly, I add, “Thanks for everything you did last night.”

Tommi shrugs it away. “You’re my brother…” Is all he says.

“Yes, but still… Thanks anyway!” Tommi puts down his coffee, advances on me, and gives me a quick hug.

“Everything’s fine, Eero…”

I smile against his shoulder and feel strong enough to face the day. No matter how bad Arttu is, I will be there for him, and together we’ll get through this!

TBC

Part 8

I’m nervous by the time we arrive at the hospital. Thankfully Jonne picks up on it and takes my hand in his, reassuring me that we will do this together.

“Who of you is Eero Honkanen?” The doctor asks once we’re admitted into his office. He’s a middle-aged man, whose hair is already gray and he wears a horrible pair of glasses. For some reason, it makes him look trustworthy though.

“I am…” I shake his hand and then he asks us to sit down.

“It’s unfortunate that we haven’t been able to reach his blood relatives,” the doctor says. “His brother, Antti, isn’t answering our calls and we don’t have his parents’ number. Luckily we managed to get a hold of you.”

“Antti’s away for a few days – in Helsinki, and we phoned some of his friends… They’ll tell him what happened when they get a hold of him,” Tommi explains.

“That’s good,” the doctor says and opens a file – Arttu’s probably. “As I said yesterday, Arttu was extremely lucky. He didn’t break anything and I expect him to heal up just fine within a few weeks. Until then, he’ll need help. I’ll give him painkillers, but I strongly advise you to confine him to bed. Trips to the bathroom will drain him and he’ll need to rest after that.”

I hope I can keep Arttu in one place long enough for him to rest! Maybe being wounded will make him wind down! “Is there anything else I need to know?”

“As I said before, his head hit the concrete rather hard. He’s confused at times, but he knew your name all right. You were the first person he asked for when they brought him in yesterday and he insisted I called you, which I did.”

I try to fight down the blush that’s forming on my face. Eero didn’t ask about Antti or his parents? He asked about me?

“When he woke up this morning, he asked for you again. He actually threatened to leave his bed if we didn’t call you so you could collect him up. I wish you good luck with keeping him in bed.”

Now, I *do* blush. “He can be a nuisance.”

“I noticed… Let’s visit him now… He’s probably waiting for you… Don’t be startled though when he seems absentminded or confused -- that will go away during the next few days.” The doctor rises from behind his desk and we get to our feet as well.

I follow him into the corridor and am grateful that Jonne’s hand still covers mine. Tommi stays in the back, but I sense his silent support.

The doctor opens a door and steps aside so I can enter first. My heart goes a million beats per second and I feel like I’m about to hyperventilate again, but in the end, I manage to stay in control of my emotions. Arttu is in a bed near the window. His black hair has disappeared beneath the bandages and the right side of his face is bruised. His eyes are open though and he makes eye contact.

“Hey… Eero…”

He sounds weak and hearing that urges me to move forward. I want to take his hand in mine, but he’s wearing a sling and I don’t want to mess with it. He looks awfully vulnerable and I don’t know what to do.

“Come here…”

Arttu reaches for me with his good arm and pulls me closer. I move at once, and realizing he wants me to kiss him, I hesitate. “Are you sure about that? You look bruised.”

“I feel bruised…” Arttu tugs at my hand again, and this time, I place a gentle kiss onto his lips. “I’m glad you’re here… Are you taking me home?”

“Yes, the doctor said I could… Where do you want to go? My place or yours?”

“Mine, if that’s okay…” Arttu’s eyes close and a little bit of drool leaves his lips. I use a tissues to wipe it away. “I’m tired…”

“I would be surprised if you weren’t…”

A nurse drives a wheelchair closer to the bed and looks at me. “Why don’t you wait in the corridor while we ready him for transport?” she suggests.

I nod and kiss Arttu on his brow. “I’ll see you again in a few minutes.” Arttu’s already half asleep though and doesn’t react. Jonne wraps an arm around my shoulder and guides me out of the room. “He looks bad, don’t you think?” I feel terrible for being unable to help Arttu.

“Not that bad,” Jonne replies soothingly. “He’ll start to nag shortly, so enjoy the quiet while it lasts.”

Jonne’s comment makes me smile again. “You’re probably right…” Looking about, I realize it’s just the two of us in the corridor. “Where’s Tommi?”

“He’s getting the car ready for Arttu…”

The door opens and the nurse pushes the wheelchair into the corridor. Arttu’s asleep, but his face doesn’t look relaxed – it looks like he’s in pain.

“This contains his medication,” she says and hands the bag to Jonne. “Please read the instructions carefully and don’t hesitate to call should you have any questions.”

I squat next to Arttu’s wheelchair, and he opens his eyes, but only minutely. “Want to go home?”

“Yes…” Arttu closes his eyes again and drifts away into a deeper state of sleep.

That’s my cue to get back to my feet again and take action. I move behind the wheelchair and push it down the corridor. Arttu’s wounded all right, but he’ll recover – I will see to that!

~~~

I carry Arttu into the apartment. Tommi offered to do so, but I’m not willing to hand Arttu over – he’s my boyfriend and I will take care of him. “Bed or couch?” I ask Arttu, who woke up because the movement causes him pain. He looks like a mess and I’d be surprised to see him up and about shortly. The doctor was right – recovery will take weeks.

“Bed… More…comfortable…” Arttu manages and then closes his eyes again. I catch the deepening lines of pain on his brow and am extremely careful when I lower him onto the mattress.

Arttu starts to move, but then grows quiet again. The movement probably causes him discomfort and I wish I possessed a magic wand to heal him with. I carefully sit down on the side and lightly stroke Arttu’s good arm. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Give me…my…drugs,” Arttu whispers and he even manages to open his eyes. “Painkillers…please…”

He must be in a lot of pain to actually say please. “Jonne’s got them – I’ll be right back!” I quickly join Jonne in the kitchen and find him checking the contents of the cupboards. “Arttu’s asking for painkillers.”

Jonne nods and points at the kitchen table. “You can give him one of those white pills each hour if he wants one… The blue ones are to help him sleep and he gets one when it’s time to turn in. There’s also some salve you can use if he complaints about sore skin. This is so typically Antti – he goes away for a few days and the cupboards are empty! I’ll get some groceries so you’re safe for the next few days.”

“Thanks, Jonne…” I read the instructions that come with the painkillers and also get out some bottled water. “He must be in a lot of pain – he would never ask for them otherwise… You might not believe it, but Arttu doesn’t like taking medication.”

Jonne turns toward me and nods. “Well, he was in an accident and he’s rather bruised. I would be surprised if he wasn’t in pain. Can you manage here, Eero? If so, then I’m off to the supermarket to buy food.”

“I can manage…” I take the blister pack and bottled water with me and return to Arttu’s bedroom. “I got your drugs…” I announce as I take my place again.

“Good…” Arttu tries to elbow himself into a reclining position, but quickly gives up. “Fuck…”

“Let me help.” I gather some pillows and put them against the head board of the bed. “Maybe the support will help.” I want to assist Arttu in sitting up, but I’m scared about touching him the wrong way and adding to his pain. In the end, Arttu manages to recline against the pillows, but a film of cold sweat appeared on his brow.

“I hate…being…in pain…”

“Who doesn’t?” I uncap the bottled water, remove a pill from the pack, and offer it to him. Arttu reaches for the pill first, puts it into his mouth, and then downs it with the water. “Hopefully you’ll feel better soon.” Seeing him in this sorry state causes me to feel badly too.

“Next time… I’ll slow down… I was in a hurry…” Arttu manages to focus his gaze and looks at me. “That’s all… I remember… When I woke up… all I could think of…was you.”

“The doctor told me,” I reply and nod. “The first thing you asked for was me…” I still feel honored about that. “Why not Antti though?”

“I don’t want to…kiss Antti…or hold him…or make love to him…”

Arttu’s remark causes me to chuckle. “I hope you don’t!’ Arttu manages a weak smile, his eyes close, and he falls asleep again. I’m okay with that – sleep is the best medicine and I want Arttu to sleep as much as he can.

“Eero?”

Tommi walks into the room, but remains near the doorway. “Yes, Tommi?”

“I need to get going… I have several appointments today and I would hate to miss them. Jonne’s staying with you after he gets back from getting your groceries. I also called Ville and he’ll come over and stay the night – just in case you need help with Arttu.”

I’m about to tell Tommi that Ville doesn’t need to come over, when I realize it would be the perfect opportunity to find out more about my brother’s escapades last night. “That’s okay…”

“Good, I’m off then. Eero, call me, when you need anything – anything at all, okay?”

“Tommi, get going! I can take care of Arttu!” And it’s not like I’ll be alone with him! Jonne and Ville will be close. Tommi waves at me and then leaves the room. I turn my attention back to Arttu, who’s sound asleep. I hope he’ll stay that way for the next few hours because then he won’t be in any pain.

~~~

“You have plenty of food in the house again…”

Jonne peeks into the room and I gesture for him to approach the bed. I made myself comfortable after Tommi left. My back rests against the head board and I stretched my legs. I would have loved to take Arttu into my arms and to hold him, but I refrained from doing so, as I don’t want to jostle his already bruised limbs.

“Thanks… Jonne?” Jonne pulls a chair up to the bed and sits down, watching me. “Arttu could have been injured worse – or he could have died. Until now, I didn’t realize that. Our time here is limited and we should make the best of it.” I’m grateful that Jonne merely listens and doesn’t interrupt me. “Maybe Arttu’s right and we should get our own place. I *do* want to live with him – I want to be with him.”

Jonne nods and smiles. “As I said before, you have nothing to lose. We’ll look into it when Arttu’s back on his feet again.”

“Will…be…soon…”

Hearing Arttu’s voice surprises me. I had thought him still asleep. “You weren’t supposed to hear that,” I tease him.

“Heard it…”

Arttu’s tired and I can tell that he’s struggling to stay awake. “Why don’t you go back to sleep? And when you wake up later, I’ll have some food ready. Anything in particular that you want?”

“Pudding,” Arttu manages. “Chocolate… pudding…”

I look toward Jonne to find out if we have any. Jonne nods. “I bought some,” Jonne says. “It’s in the fridge.”

“Great…” Arttu’s eyes close and he’s asleep once more.

“I also stopped at home to pick up your books. You have this test coming up, remember?”

I blink at Jonne in surprise. “I can’t study when Arttu’s in this shape!” I doubt I can concentrate, and what if I’m not around when Arttu needs me? I’m staying right here! Jonne rests his hand on my arm and squeezes it. I raise my head and stubbornly look at him.

“Either Ville, Tommi, or I, will be around. Later, Antti too. Arttu’s asleep most of the time and won’t notice you studying. He would kick your ass if he knew that you’re giving up on this test. He would want you to study and pass it and you know it!”

Jonne’s right of course. Arttu would give me hell if he knew I wasn’t studying for my test anymore. “But Jonne, Arttu…”

“Arttu’s asleep most of the time. And Eero, he knows you love him and want to care for him. Let’s make a deal. I stay with Arttu and you study in the living room. I’ll come and get you each time he wakes up.”

I know it would be the sensible thing to do, but I want to be close to him!

“Eero, what benefits will you get from passing this test?”

Jonne’s question surprises me, but I answer anyway. “I’ll prove that I don’t need to take certain classes and I can skip them… I can take advanced classes instead or sign up for additional lectures.”

“And what happens if you fail this test or don’t take it?”

“Then I’m stuck repeating those classes which I took two years ago. I get it, Jonne, but I’m not sure I can concentrate. I can’t stop thinking about Arttu.”

“Then find out. Come on, Eero! Get off your ass and move. Your books are in the living room!” Jonne sounds determined and I consider protesting, but I have the feeling it won’t help.

“Jonne’s…right… Go…”

I blink: I hadn’t realized that Arttu had woken up. I look at him pleadingly. “Arttu, I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I won’t be alone…right…Jonne?”

“I’ll stay!” Jonne nods repeatedly. “Come on, Eero, you heard Arttu. Get moving.”

I can’t deny him and Arttu knows it. “I’ll be in the living room – if you need me, tell Jonne.” Arttu manages a weak smile, which must cause him pain as it’s a crooked smile, but I know what he’s like. He’s strong and he’ll do what he thinks is right.

“I’ll tell Jonne… Now, move that…ass of yours…”

I press a loving kiss onto his lips and carefully stroke his hair. “I’ll study, but only because you want me to.”

“Works…for me…” Arttu closes his eyes, makes himself a bit more comfortable in bed, and drifts off into sleep again.

I sigh deeply, but then tell myself to get moving. If Arttu wants me to study, I will. “I’ll be in the living room: call me if he wakes up!”

“I will!”

Jonne gives me a look that tells me to move. I don’t know why I’m giving into them: all I want to is to be close to Arttu, and instead of doing so, I’m going to study.

~~~

Two hours later, I rub the sleep from my eyes – at least, I attempt to do so. I made coffee before I sat down to study, but the caffeine isn’t working. I guess it’s the shock of realizing that Arttu came close to death.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Jonne stands in the doorway and gives me a probing look.

“Tired for some reason…” I stretch and pour the last coffee into my mug. “How’s Arttu?”

“Sound asleep. I doubt he will wake up anytime soon.” Jonne sits down on the couch and continues to study me. “Are you making any progress?” he asks and points towards the books.

“Some… I remember most of the stuff… I need to read up on the details, but I should pass the test – I took it a year ago and know what they’ll ask – if they didn’t change the questions, that is.”

“You already took it once? How did you do?” Jonne curiously moves a bit closer to me.

“I did okay, I think…”

“You think?” Jonne sounds upset, maybe even a tad frustrated.

I shrug. “At the time, I wasn’t interested in grades. I had joined The Black Jesus and was…ill.”

“That explains it, but still, you should find out how you did back then.” Jonne sounds rather determined, and I’m not going to object. “Tommi sent me a message earlier… That’s why I’m here… They found Antti, but he’s completely drunk and they’re trying to sober him up.”

“Who’s they?” I can’t help being curious.

“Jack and Janne… They have been trying to get Antti sober since they found him.”

I feel relieved: Arttu wants his brother here – he might not say it, but I know he does. “Are they also taking Antti home?”

“Jack volunteered to drive him home, yes… Tommi expects them to get here either during the night or early in the morning.”

I nod: Antti can be obnoxious when he’s drunk and Jack can’t drive with Antti misbehaving. “Arttu will be happy to hear that.”

“I think so too…” Jonne takes my hand in his and turns it around. “Ville called… He will be here in an hour and will stay the night… I’ll bring breakfast with me in the morning and then we’ll see what happens next. I expect you to study though – even when I’m gone.”

“I’ll do my best, but if my eyes start closing, then…”

“Then you’ll get some sleep, of course!” Jonne tugs at my arm and pulls me closer that way. “I’m so proud of you, Eero. You could have given up, but you didn’t… You trust me to take care of Arttu… Thanks for that!”

I blush; Jonne’s making a big deal over nothing! “You’re my brother,” I whisper… “If I can’t trust you, who can I?”

“Very true… Now get back to studying… I’ll get us something to eat… After that, we’ll wake Arttu so he can try some pudding… We might also want to give him his sleeping pill then… That way, he will have a long and restful night.”

I hope Arttu will sleep right through the night, and no matter what Jonne and Ville will say about it, I plan on being close to Arttu all night!

~~~

I curse when my mobile phone rings and I quickly press the answer button. A quick look at Arttu tells me that it didn’t wake him – thankfully.

“Eero? It’s me…”

I draw in a deep breath, as it’s Antti. “Yeah, it’s me… It’s good to hear from you.”

“I’m so fucking sorry!” Antti sounds stressed. “Jack told me what happened and I feel like a bastard for not checking my messages! I should have done so! Poor Arttu… How bad is he?”

“He’s asleep at the moment… That’s why I’m whispering, as I don’t want to wake him. He’s bruised pretty bad, but the doctor at the hospital said that Arttu should be back on his feet in a few weeks. Right now, he’s in pain though.”

“Fuck! Why… I’m so stupid!”

“Antti, don’t… You can’t change the past and you didn’t do it on purpose. Arttu knows that.”

“Eero…is he angry with me?”

“No, he isn’t… But he does want you here…” I don’t want Antti to feel badly about what has happened. I don’t want him going on a guilt trip when Arttu needs his support. This can’t be about Antti – this must be about Arttu!

“Jack’s got the car ready… We’re leaving tonight…” Antti grows silent and I hear a voice in the back. “He says that we should arrive around seven in the morning… I would love to drive right now, but Jack doesn’t like driving in the dark… Damn, why are they no trains during the night?”

“Antti, Arttu would want for you to play it safe – you know that. He’s sound asleep and you getting here in the morning is fine. Get some rest and don’t lose any sleep about feeling guilty.”

“That’s easy for you to say! You didn’t let him down!”

“Antti, Arttu doesn’t think like that…” Suddenly, Arttu tugs at my sleeve and I quickly seek out his eyes. He’s still half asleep, but lucid enough to realize I’m talking to his brother. “Hold on, Arttu wants to say something.” I press the phone against Arttu’s ear and keep it in place. “Go on,” I encourage him.

“Hey…” Arttu whispers slowly. “Don’t…drive…drunk…”

I can’t hear Antti’s reply, but I do catch noise coming from the phone. Antti’s talking and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to stop anytime soon!

“Antti.. It’s okay… I’ll see you…tomorrow…”

I raise the phone and catch Antti raving. “Antti, Arttu’s going to get some sleep now and so am I…”

“Okay… Eero, take good care of him for me, will you? I’ll be there first thing in the morning!”

“I’ll look after him,” I promise while Arttu gives me a lopsided grin. “Go to sleep,” I tell him. Arttu took his sleeping medication an hour ago and shouldn’t be awake right now.

“Bye, Eero… see you soon.”

I switch off the phone and put it on the nightstand. Looking at Arttu, I realize he’s asleep again, and as I’m tired too, I close my eyes and hope sleep will come quickly for me as well.

TBC

Part 9

“Anyone awake in here?” Ville, who stands in the doorway, whispers softly into the bedroom.

“Yeah, I am…” I smile at seeing him. “You can come inside… I don’t think we will wake Arttu if we talk – quietly, that is.” Ville steps into the room and pulls a chair close to the bed. He sits down and I catch the faint blush that colors his face: it reminds me of the one-night-stand he’s supposed to have had. I need to be subtle though if I want to find out what has happened. “You look different… You…glow…” Ville’s blush deepens and he tries to stare a hole into the floor – it’s not working though.

“I don’t “glow”. You’re imagining it.”

“I don’t think so… I know what Arttu would say…” I pause and wait for Ville to grow curious. When he does and looks at me, I add, “Arttu would say that you had sex – and good sex at that!”

“I’d rather not talk about that…”

Ville looks extremely nervous and I wonder why. I’m not giving up that easily though! They made me talk too! “It happened after a gig, if I remember correctly… Uniklubi’s, wasn’t it?” Ville sighs and I take it as a sign of surrender. “You can tell me, you know.”

“You’ll tell Jonne,” Ville says accusingly.

“Of course, I will… There are no secrets in this family – you guys constantly remind me of that!” Sometimes, payback is sweet.

“It’s true,” Ville says and goes back to staring at the carpet. “I had sex.”

“Tell me something I don’t know yet…” I cock my head and manage to catch his gaze. “Whom did you have sex with?” What kind of man is Ville attracted to? “Is it a band member?” Ville shrugs and grows even more nervous, so I take that as a yes. For some reason, Ville is actually shy about this. Maybe I shouldn’t pressure him into telling me, but damn, I’m curious! “It wasn’t Jussi, was it?”

“No… You know that he isn’t my type!” Ville finally makes eye contact and looks at me in a defiant way. “Are you going to sum them up?”

“If necessary… Janne is married, so I’m hoping it’s not him…”

“It wasn’t Janne! I would never do that!”

Ville appears insul