Title: Angel Eyes

Companion piece/ prequel
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings: Juha/Mikko
Rating: NC-17
Summary: How did Juha and Mikko meet? Why did Jaana leave Juha? And what was making love for the very first time really like?

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!
Warning: Real Person Slash.
Not beta read L

All mistakes are mine.

By the way -> äiti means mum/mother

Angel Eyes

Part 1

The music was loud, the beer tasted good, and Mikko did his best to fight himself a way through the increasingly drunk crowd. But who could blame them for drinking a bit too much? It was summer – at last – and the Oulu residents enjoyed a fine combination of sun, music and the most important ingredient of course, alcohol!

Mikko placed the beer bottle at his lips and drank from it. His gaze moved over the crowd in search of a familiar face, whom he might bum another beer off. Money was tight most days, and if his mother didn’t slip him some, he would be broke constantly. Well, that was exactly why he was looking for a job. He was eighteen, nineteen in two more months, and had decided not to attend school anymore. He simply didn’t have the motivation for it. Working in a bar like his mother did wasn’t possible either, since he was only eighteen and he could only do that after he’d hit twenty-one. So the question was what kind of job would suit him in the meantime?

While giving that question some much needed thought, Mikko wandered toward the main stage. Although most Finnish people loved the summer time and the higher temperatures that came with it, some of them couldn’t deal with the sudden weather change and ended up with sunburn or even worse, a sun stroke. Therefore it wasn’t surprising to find that more and more music fans were heading for the shaded spots, leaving the area right in front of the stage deserted. That was also the reason why Mikko caught sight of the long, curly, red hair being tossed in the air. At first look, he wasn’t sure if he was looking at a boy or a girl since a lot of people wore their hair longer, especially the rock fans. Growing curious Mikko advanced further.

Mikko approached until he was only a few feet away from the redhead, who was head banging to a Megadeth cover the band on stage was playing. Entranced, Mikko watched the other boy – now that he’d had a better look he was fairly sure that he was dealing with one – who started to dance as well. It was obvious someone was having a good time. Mikko’s eyes wandered lower. The redhead wore a black T-shirt with white print on it and tight-fitting black jeans which had been tucked into his boots.

Unable to shift his gaze away from the enticing sight, something stirred deep within him. Mikko had had girlfriends, had even had sex with them, but had felt most of the time something had been missing. That was when he had realized he might like boys as well. But he had never acted on that. Something kept him back. Maybe it was facing the unknown – facing a part of him that he didn’t really want to get to know. Being straight was much easier than being bisexual. But the way the other boy moved certainly stirred something inside him and Mikko wanted to turn away. Unfortunately for him the redhead turned his head and looked at him. Mikko thought he would die a thousand sweet deaths the moment their gazes met.

Misty green eyes stared into his and almost knocked him off of his feet. They laughed and showed a mirth and energy Mikko had seldom encountered before. The full lips were curled into a smile and the fine bone structure showed in the cheek bones and high brow. Mikko swallowed hard – the other boy was simply stunning and very androgynous. He was one moment away from actually starting to drool and he forced himself to act as casual as possible, although that was extremely difficult at the moment.

“Hei,” the other boy said and smiled. “Good cover band!”

Mikko swallowed hard and licked his suddenly dry lips. Damn it, his whole mouth had gone dry and he found it hard to answer in a relaxed tone. The redhead had actually addressed him! “Uh, hei…”

“I’m Juha!” Raising his arm, Juha offered the other boy his hand.

“My name’s Mikko,” Mikko took the limb and shook it. The moment his fingers touched the soft skin he felt electrified. Oh my, he didn’t believe in love at first sight. He didn’t! It was a romantic notion which he didn’t support, but the other boy, Juha…Oh, now Mikko caught himself staring at the redhead and he quickly lowered his gaze.

Juha smiled warmly. He possessed an open nature and enjoyed making new friends, if he was allowed to, that was. His father and older brother watched him closely most of the time. Only now had he managed to escape their scrutiny for a few hours. “It’s a great festival, don’t you think? And the weather is just fantastic! I love the sun!”

Mikko swallowed nervously. The sunbeams seemed magically attracted to Juha’s red hair and made it appear even fierier. The sight took his breath away and his heart thumped madly in his chest.

“What some beer? I’m going to get some at any rate!” Juha offered. He had never drunk it before, but seeing the beer bottle in Mikko’s hand told him that his offer might entice Mikko to stick around longer if he joined him for a beer. He only hoped Jaana wouldn’t catch him drinking it. She abhorred alcohol.

Juha’s offer *did* entice Mikko and he nodded. “I’ll come along. I need to get out of the sun for a moment.” It was noon and the sun appallingly strong.

“Sure, come along!” Juha started to walk toward the beer vending stand and got them some. Sipping it, his first impulse was to spit it out again. He was so going to regret drinking alcohol when there was so much sun and the temperature so high!

“Do you like Megadeth?” Mikko asked, just to make conversation and he chose a safe subject – music.

“Yes, I do. I like most of the eighties stuff. And Queensryche too!” Juha put down the beer and studied the other boy more closely. The first thing that struck him was the odd hair color. It was a strange mixture of burgundy and purple. “Did you dye your hair yourself?”

“My mother did. Do you like it?” Argh, he hadn’t wanted to add that last question! How obvious was that? He really had to work on his flirting skills!

“I’m not sure,” Juha replied in a thoughtful voice. “It’s something I’ve not seen before.” Something about Mikko was really appealing though and he smiled winningly.

“And how about your hair? Do you dye it yourself?” Mikko couldn’t believe they were still talking. Somehow he had managed not to drive Juha off! That must be a good sign!

“Hairdresser. I tried once though… The entire bathroom ended up red. When my older brother got home he thought someone had died in there.” Juha grew flustered. “And my father was furious. I spent three days cleaning it up.”

Mikko offered Juha a reassuring smile. “In that case it’s better if you go to the hairdresser.” He gave Juha a wink, since he had noticed that some of the fire in the eyes had dulled when the other boy had mentioned his family. “Do you live with your father and brother?” Juha hadn’t mentioned his mother and Mikko wondered about that.

Juha lowered his gaze and stared at his feet. It felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. Juha couldn’t help reacting in that way though. The emotional wound hadn’t healed yet. “Yes, I do… My mother…died two years ago… She had cancer…” He quickly placed his beer on the counter as he didn’t trust his hands to hold it. They had started to shake fiercely now that he’d become emotional. “I’d rather not talk about it.” That wasn’t completely true though: he desperately needed to talk about it, but his father and brother refused to discuss her death and he had no one else he could confide in. His father wouldn’t like it at any rate if he talked about her death to strangers. Niklas always told him to keep in control of his emotions and not to show any. Juha found that extremely hard though.

It was obvious to Mikko that something was wrong. The light in the eyes had faded and Juha no longer met his gaze. “Hey, my father died when I was four. I don’t really remember that much, but I still miss having him about. If you ever feel the need to talk about it, I’ll be listening.” It didn’t strike him as odd to offer a listening ear to a stranger for he felt like he *knew* Juha. Like he had known him his entire life. It was odd, but he wanted to reach out and wrap up the other boy in a hug. He didn’t do that though: it would be improper since they’d only met half an hour ago.

“Thanks for offering, but…” Juha wished the earth would open and swallow him. He was so close to accepting Mikko’s offer that it scared him! He didn’t know the other boy and yet he felt like he could trust him!

Mikko uncovered a piece of paper from somewhere deep in his jeans pocket and ‘borrowed’ a pen from the bartender. He quickly wrote down his name and phone number. “Here, just in case you want to talk.”

Juha stared at the piece of paper for a long minute before finally taking hold if it. He looked at the name and number and then slipped it into a pocket. “I’m not sure I’ll call.”

“That’s okay. Everything happens in its own time. Hey, don’t let your beer go to waste!” Mikko realized he had to cheer Juha up a bit. It was clear that the redhead hadn’t dealt with his mother’s death and Mikko was under the impression that Juha’s father and brother weren’t the talkative and understanding kind. He handed Juha his beer and said, “Kippis!”

Juha managed a weak smile and then accepted the drink, sipping some himself as Mikko emptied his glass.

“Juha! What are you doing? I thought you’d be near the stage and… You’re drinking!”

Mikko saw the way Juha flinched. The redhead quickly put the beer back onto the counter and turned around to meet the furious gaze of the girl who had addressed him. Mikko felt an instant dislike toward her, although he couldn’t explain why. The girl was stunning. She had long black hair and lovely rainy blue eyes, but the expression in them made Mikko dislike her. It was possessive and demanding.

“Jaana, I didn’t drink that much! I only sipped! Don’t be angry with me.” Juha tried to prevent the worst. She could throw a mean tantrum if she wanted to. “I know you don’t like it, but I only had a few sips!”

“You’re too young to drink! They shouldn’t have sold you any!” She pointed a finger at Juha. “They can get into trouble for this! And alcohol is bad! Do you really want to end up like the rest of these idiots? Being drunk at noon already?”

Mikko’s eyes widened while she continued to scold Juha. Why was she getting this agitated? Did she really think Finnish youngsters waited with drinking until they were twenty-one? Mikko had been drunk so many times that he had lost count. Juha however struck him as a virgin where alcohol was concerned.

“I just showed up to tell you that I’m leaving with my girlfriends. There are too many drunken idiots around, trying to talk me up and since my boyfriend is busy getting drunk too instead of protecting me from them, I’d rather go home!”

/Good riddance,/ Mikko thought and quickly covered his mouth with his hand as he had been about to say that!

“Jaana, please wait! Don’t leave!” Juha wanted to walk over to her to make up for his mistake, but she raised a hand and dismissed him.

“Don’t even try! Juha, you’ve disappointed me!” She turned and walked toward her friends who were already waiting for her.

Juha bowed his head and sighed. “I can’t do anything right. I’m a failure.”

Mikko cringed at seeing the defeated expression on the redhead’s face. Only half an hour ago, that face had been alive with joy and the eyes alight with fire. Mikko blamed the girl for the change and his resentment of her increased. “Don’t feel down. She doesn’t have the right to tell you that.”

“She’s right. I *am* too young to drink.” Juha peeked at Mikko. He felt ashamed for the way he had acted. He had deserted his girlfriend for a beer and a talk with a stranger. “She’ll give me the cold shoulder now for the next few days.”

Mikko tried to salvage the situation. “First girlfriend?”

Juha nodded. “We’ve been seeing each other for four months now.” He didn’t trust easy and it had taken him time to let her in and he hadn’t completely opened up to her yet. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her, something else kept him back. He had the feeling she might disapprove of him revealing a more sensitive and emotional side.

“Hey, you’re still young! You’ll have plenty of girlfriends until you’ll eventually find the right girl.” Mikko wanted to raise his beer, but then realized it was empty. “Are you sure you don’t want yours anymore?” After Juha had nodded, Mikko took hold of Juha’s glass and emptied it. He had a good stomach for alcohol and it took a lot more for him to get drunk than two beers.

Juha shuffled his feet. “I was hoping she would be the right girl to be with.”

Mikko’s eyes widened. Oh, he was dealing with a romantic! “Juha, please tell me you weren’t thinking of proposing to her, or something like that.” The redhead blushed and Mikko shook his head. “Come on, you don’t want to be married to that dragon!”

Juha felt offended. “You don’t know her the way I do! She’s a good person!”

Mikko wanted to contradict Juha, but then reconsidered. They had only just met and it wasn’t really his place to show Juha his mistake, at least not yet. Juha was right – he didn’t know her. He didn’t even know Juha to begin with. Okay, he would take things nice and slow then. “Want to watch the next band?”

Juha checked the time and looked at the wrist watch he was wearing. “I can’t. My brother will be picking me up in ten minutes and I’d better be waiting for him at the exit.”

“Your brother doesn’t sound like fun,” Mikko remarked. “Let’s head for the exit then. I’ll walk you there.” Mikko pitied Juha in a way. Jaana was a bitch and the way Juha’s tone had changed when he had mentioned his brother indicated they didn’t get along either.

Juha’s gaze was directed at his feet when they made their way over to the exit. He felt embarrassed because Mikko had witnessed Jaana calling him on his behavior.

“Can I have your phone number too?” Mikko asked when Juha didn’t offer it by himself. He wanted to stay in touch with Juha!

“If you want it…” They had reached the exit and Juha managed to get some paper and a pen from the security guards standing there. He scribbled his phone number onto the paper and then handed it to Mikko. “I’m not sure though how my father and Jarmo will react should you call. You might have to try a few times.”

“Are you saying they might hang up on me?” Mikko frowned.

“They might. They want to know the people I hang out with and since they don’t know you…” Juha shrugged. “I’ll try to answer the phone whenever I can.”

“And you got my phone number, so call me instead if you don’t hear from me in the next few days.” Mikko didn’t like what he was hearing. It sounded like Juha was a prisoner at home.

“Juha! Over here!” A grey Mercedes had driven up to the exit and the driver was calling out to him.

“That’s Jarmo… I have to go now.” Juha however stalled as he didn’t want to leave yet. “Call me,” he said and then turned about and marched toward the car.

“What’s taking you so long? Get inside! I’ve got more important things to do than to pick you up at some festival!” Jarmo lectured Juha.

Mikko was still in hearing range and overheard Jarmo’s comment. Juha raised his head and waved at him in goodbye. Mikko did the same. He felt strangely worried for the redhead whom he had fallen head over heels for. He would call Juha tomorrow, or maybe even that evening.

Juha got into the backseat of the car and cringed at seeing the annoyed expression on Jarmo’s face. “I got here as quickly as I could.”

“Sure,” Jarmo said dismissively. “Why can’t you take a taxi? Now I have to abandon my music just to pick you up! I was in the middle of recording the vocal tracks!”

Juha’s shoulders sagged. “Father didn’t want me to catch a taxi or ride the bus.”

Jarmo nodded. Yes, he knew what their father was like – very overprotecting of his youngest son. It made him feel envious and relieved at the same time. He envied Juha for all the attention their father paid him, and at the same time he felt relieved because he wasn’t watched that closely. Niklas was very controlling when it came to Juha and Jarmo was glad he had escaped that fate. He knew why Niklas was that way with Juha though. Juha was way more feminine than he was and their father saw strong traces of their mother in his youngest son. “I’ll take you home and then I’m back to the recording studio,” he said in a softer voice.

Juha nodded. “That’s fine with me.” He didn’t know why his father wanted him home that early. The festival had just started and yet his father had demanded he was back at home at one PM. Juha had known better though than to fight his father on his decision. Niklas always got his way.

~~~

When Juha got home, he immediately headed for his room. He closed the door behind him and hoped his father would respect his need for privacy. These days, he wasn’t sure though he would. Everything had changed after his mother had died.

Juha flung himself onto his bed and rolled onto his left side so he could study the framed picture standing on the nightstand. It showed much happier days. He picked it up and caressed the frame with his fingertips. The photo showed him and his mother, standing near a lake. She had been the only one who had understood him and who had supported him when he had told his father and brother that he believed he was bisexual. They had accepted it in the end, but they had made it very clear that they didn’t support his interest in boys. Therefore they had really encouraged him when he had brought Jaana home for the very first time.

“I wish you were still alive and here with me,” he whispered. It was odd to whisper in his own room, but he felt paranoid. His father had become unpredictable and Juha had no idea how Niklas would react if he caught his son talking to his dead mother. “I miss you so much. You were the only one I could talk to and now you’re gone.” Juha sighed, closed his eyes and pressed the picture against his chest. He had tried talking to Jaana, but she had become very uncomfortable when he had started to cry because he had missed his mother so much, and after that, she had grown distant. Things had become awkward between them, and although they’d stayed a couple, the distance between them increased and Juha blamed himself for that. Why couldn’t be as strong as she wanted him to be? Everything was his fault!

Suddenly the door opened and Niklas entered. Juha immediately hid the picture from his father’s view and sat up. He hated it when his father stormed into his room like that. He felt like he had no privacy at all.

“I thought you would be studying by now. You missed out on much and you need to make up for it.” Niklas looked about the room and flinched each time an item reminded him of his dead wife. The worst thing however was looking at Juha, who had inherited his wife’s eyes. Each time he looked at his youngest son, he was reminded of his dead wife. “I should never have allowed you to skip that much in the past. Getting a good education is important!”

Juha bit on his bottom lip, not wanting to start another argument. There had been too many of them lately and so he didn’t remind his father that he had missed out on so much because he had accompanied his mother to hospital each time she had to go in for chemo. He didn’t remind his father of the fact that she had been too weak to go there herself and had needed his support. His father hadn’t been there for her – he had locked himself up in his work, denying the fact that his wife was slowly dying. And so Juha had taken his place and had supported his dying mother.

“Show me the progress you made when I get home for dinner. I want to see what you’ve done! So no daydreaming, do you hear me?”

“Yes, father.” Juha swallowed hard and averted his eyes. These days their gazes seldom met and when they did, Juha’s was filled with silent pleading while Niklas’ showed distance and denial.

Juha felt relieved when Niklas finally left his room. He dragged himself over to his desk and sat down. His books and assignments were already waiting for him, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate. His thoughts drifted off to his mother first, and then oddly enough to Mikko instead of Jaana as they normally would. He had taken an instant liking to the other boy. Some instinct told him that Mikko was someone he could trust, but they hardly knew each other. He couldn’t call him and talk to him about his mother. He didn’t want to burden Mikko in that way.

Sighing, he opened his chemistry book and tried to start on his assignment. He didn’t get very far though. There was a picture of his mother on his desk and he lost himself staring at her photograph, wishing her back in his life.

~~~

“You’re home early. What happened? Did they sell out on beer and there was no more left?” Lea gave her son a wink. She knew Mikko pretty well and the expression in his eyes told him that something had upset him. “Do you want to talk?”

Mikko joined her at the kitchen table and gratefully accepted the tea she poured him. He wrapped his fingers around the cup and shrugged, trying to think of a way to tell her about Juha. He had a pretty cool mother, at least he thought so. She worked at a local bar behind the counter and looked no day older than thirty, although she was to hit her mid forties in a few weeks. Her blond, bleached hair reached her bottom and several tattoos showed from beneath the girlie she was wearing. He loved the fact that he could always talk to her – tell her everything. She had also been the first to find out about his suspicion that he liked boys too and maybe even better than girls.

“So what’s this about? Did you break another young lady’s heart?” Although Mikko wasn’t sure his preference lay with girls, he’d had a fair number of girlfriends already, but as far as she knew her son wasn’t dating at the moment.

“I met someone at the festival,” Mikko offered eventually. “And I can’t stop thinking of him.”

Lea raised an eyebrow. She had been waiting for Mikko to experience his first crush on a boy. “Tell me more.”

“His name’s Juha and he seemed so sad when we said goodbye. When I saw him the first time he was dancing and head banging and I couldn’t stop staring at him.”

Lea smiled encouragingly. She knew when her son was in love. “What does he look like?”

“He has gorgeous, long, red curly hair and the most cat-like eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re green and…” Mikko sighed. “He gave me his phone number.”

Lea’s smile broadened. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“I had to ask him about it. He didn’t give it to me by himself.”

“And did you give him yours?” she asked.

“I did…” Mikko gave his mother a thoughtful look. “I don’t think I should call him though. I should leave that up to him.”

“Are you being insecure because you had to ask for his phone number and that he didn’t throw himself at you?” Lea knew her son through and through. That wasn’t surprising. It had been the two of them ever since Mikko’s father, and the love of her life, had died.

Mikko shrugged. “Probably. He seemed so sad and his father’s a tyrant… His brother seems to be a bully too.”

Lea placed her hand atop of Mikko’s and squeezed her son’s fingers. “Why don’t you give him a call tomorrow? Sounds to me like he needs a friend.”

“But I hardly know him!”

“Then get to know him!” Lea got to her feet after checking the time. “My shift starts in thirty minutes. What are you going to do for the rest of the day?”

“Play some guitar… I think…”

Lea shook her head, feeling amused. “Someone’s in love.” She raised her son’s face by tipping it upward after placing a finger beneath his chin. “If you need some distraction, I highlighted some job offers in the newspaper. You might have a look at them.”

“I will. I need a job.” Mikko gave her a grateful smile. “You’re the best äiti in the world!”

She chuckled and walked toward the doorway. “I make mistakes too, Mikko. I just try to make up for them the best way I can and to be there for you .That’s all there is to it.” She waved at him and left for work.

Mikko stared at the piece of paper in his hands. Juha’s phone number was on it and he wasn’t sure he could wait until tomorrow before he called the younger man with the sad eyes.

~~~

“Juha! You’d better wake up before our father gets back and finds you sleeping over your books!” Jarmo shook his younger brother, who startled awake and looked at him with big eyes. “Juha, you need to catch up on your schoolwork! You know how important that is to our father.”

Juha bowed his head guiltily. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but he had needed the rest as he didn’t sleep well at night. He hadn’t had a decent night of sleep since his mother had died. His sleep was disturbed by either nightmares or headaches. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Did you manage any work at all?” Jarmo gave his younger brother’s work a quick look. “Some at least.”

Juha wasn’t sure it wasn’t any good though. He just couldn’t concentrate.

“Ah, here you are! Both of you! I already wondered where you’d vanished to, Jarmo!” Niklas entered the room, once more without knocking first and walked over to the desk. “Show me your work.”

Juha handed him the paper and hoped it would be enough. He kept his eyes averted while his father judged his work.

“There are still some mistakes in there, but it will do for today. Come downstairs and have dinner with us, Juha. Jarmo? I’d like a word with you.”

Juha waited until his father and brother had left his room and then rested his brow onto his arms which now covered the chemistry assignment he had worked on. Tears pressed against his eyelids and he desperately fought them back, but he failed. They dropped onto the paper and he quickly saved the work he had done. And now he had to have dinner with his father. He sighed. He doubted he would manage much food.

~~~

“Is the steak not to your liking?” Niklas frowned at his youngest son. Juha was merely poking at his food and not eating any.

“I’m not hungry,” Juha said, and placed the fork onto his plate. He knew he was losing weight which he couldn’t spare, but he simply couldn’t eat when his father was watching him like that. “May I be excused?”

Niklas was tempted to say no, but realized that forcing Juha to eat wouldn’t help either. “Yes, you may leave the table.”

Juha pushed back his chair and made his way into the living room. He sat down on the couch and stared at the phone on the coffee table. Maybe Jaana had forgiven him by now and would be swayed to come over? He needed someone close. He picked up the phone and dialed Jaana’s number, hoping she was home.

“Hei, it’s Jaana!”

Juha sighed in relief. “It’s me, Juha.” The silence which followed made him uneasy. “Did you get home all right?”

“Yes, I did. Juha, why are you calling? I’m still angry with you for drinking!”

Juha sighed again, but this time because he grew even more depressed. “I was hoping you’d like to come over so we could talk and maybe…cuddle,” he said, adding the last word with a nervous tone in his voice.

“Let me guess, you want me to hold you again. Juha, I really, really like you, but I’m your girlfriend! Whenever I try to do anything more than kiss and cuddle you shut down!”

Juha bit on his bottom lip. He wasn’t interested in having sex with her. He just wanted to feel safe and be held. Maybe the sex thing would happen one day, but at the moment it was the last thing on his mind. He had been so depressed lately that he was sure he wouldn’t be able to get it up at any rate. “I’m sorry that I called.”

Jaana’s voice softened. “Juha, why don’t you go see a therapist? I can’t help you in that way.”

Juha angrily wiped at the tears that were once more building in his eyes. “I don’t need therapy! I just need someone to hold me, but apparently you don’t want to do that for me!” Feeling disappointed, he hung up on her. He got up from the couch and walked over to the window to stare outside. They lived in a suburb, their house was surrounded by green, the families living in the streets were all wealthy, but money didn’t mean a thing to Juha. He just wanted to feel someone’s arms around him!

That was when he thought of Mikko. He had seemed caring and interested in him. Maybe Mikko would… Mikko had offered him a listening ear, which he had refused accepting, and now he regretted that decision. He uncovered the piece of paper from his pocket and checked the number on it. It was only seven PM – it would be okay to call at that hour. He slowly made his way back to the phone. His fingers trembled when he dialed Mikko’s number.

~~~

Mikko had just stretched on the couch when the phone rang. Getting it meant that he had to get to his feet again, and he felt too lazy to do so, but then he considered that it might be Juha calling him and that motivated him to get up after all. Mikko made his way into the corridor and said, “Moi!”

“Mikko, is that you?”

Mikko instantly recognized Juha’s voice and his stomach started doing funny things. He grinned into the phone and nodded his head, only belatedly realizing Juha couldn’t see him. “Yes, it’s me! Hello to you too, Juha.”

“How do you know it’s me?”

“I recognized your voice of course.” Mikko shook his head. He would recognize that voice everywhere. “I wanted to call you later this evening. Now you beat me to it!”

“Mikko?”

Mikko raised an eyebrow. Juha sounded odd. “Yes?”

“I wanted to ask if you could…if you would...”

Then Juha stopped talking and Mikko frowned deeply. “If I would – what?” What the hell was going on?

“Would you like to come over? You offered to listen and… I need to talk to someone… I know it’s late and that you’re probably busy, so if you say no I’ll understand that. I’m sorry I bothered you in the first place. I should let you go back to whatever it is you’re doing.”

“Stop! Why don’t you give me a chance to answer before you already conclude that I can’t come over? I need your address though.” A relieved sigh sounded on the other end and Mikko’s worries increased. What had unbalanced Juha like that? Mikko hadn’t expected Juha to take him up on his offer so quickly, knowing they were practically strangers, so Juha had to be pretty desperate to call him. Juha gave Mikko the address and Mikko wrote it down. “I can be there in thirty minutes. If I leave now, I can catch the bus in five minutes.”

“You don’t have to hurry!” Juha sounded guilty. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Mikko frowned again. Okay, he really wanted to know more about Juha and his home situation. “I’ll be there shortly, okay?”

“Mikko, thank you. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“That’s okay. See you soon!” Mikko ended the conversation and marched out of the doorway, heading for the bus stop.

~~~

Niklas arched an eyebrow at finding Juha suddenly standing in front of him. His youngest son moved silently as if he didn’t want to disturb him and Niklas sighed. He knew he wasn’t a good father, but it was the best he could do without his darling Helena at his side. “Do you want to ask me something, Juha?” He noticed the way Juha continued to stare at the floor and Niklas’ heart went out to his son that moment. He wasn’t being cruel on purpose. He just didn’t know how to act differently.

“Is it okay for a friend to come over?” Juha shuffled his feet, unsure what his father would say to that. “His name is Mikko and…he’s a former classmate. I asked him to help me with the chemistry assignment.” He had the feeling that his father would say no if he mentioned meeting Mikko at the festival that day so he lied – something he hated doing.

Niklas nodded. “Sure. It’s smart of you to ask for help.” Then he returned to reading his newspaper. “Anything else, Juha?”

“No. Sorry for disturbing you… I’ll wait for Mikko to get here and take him to my room.”

Niklas nodded again. He wasn’t interested in such details. At the moment reading his paper was more important.

TBC

Part 2

Mikko wasn’t really impressed by the villas surrounding him, but he *did* feel out of place when he approached the house Juha had directed him to. Apparently Juha’s father was very rich, if he could afford to live in a castle-sized house like that. He checked the address one last time and then walked up to the front door. He was about to press the doorbell when the door already opened and revealed a very pale and nervous-looking Juha. “Hei!” Mikko said and smiled at the bewildered looking redhead.

Juha, feeling uneasy, quickly pulled Mikko inside. “I had to tell my father that you’re here to help me with my chemistry assignment so if he asks you about that, please play along.”

“Of course.” Mikko nodded, wondering why it was necessary for Juha to lie to his father about something so trivial. “You got a nice place here!” Looking about, he realized the house was as luxurious on the inside as on the outside. “You must be rich!”

“My father is. He works as a college professor and teaches Economics. He makes most of his money though by advising companies and… I don’t know what other functions he holds.”

“It’s not important. I’m here because for you – not your father.” Mikko followed Juha toward the staircase and was about to climb it when an older man stepped into the hallway.

“Juha, aren’t you going to introduce your new friend to me?” Niklas said and took in Mikko’s rather shabby looking appearance. It was hard to imagine that someone like that knew anything about chemistry!

One glance at Juha’s face was enough for Mikko to realize that the redhead felt anxious. Juha’s breathing had sped up and the hands had started to tremble. Juha obviously felt intimidated. “I’m Mikko,” he said, taking the initiative. He didn’t offer Niklas his hand though as he didn’t like the older man.

“Ah, Mikko… I hope you can help my son with his assignment. He’s already behind. This way he’ll never catch up. And now start studying.” Niklas turned around and headed for his study.

“Bah, I don’t like him,” Mikko said and saw the shocked expression on Juha’s face. Unfortunately he couldn’t withdraw the words. “I’m really sorry, but he creeps me out.”

Juha opened his mouth to say something, but then reconsidered and shyly curled his fingers around Mikko’s wrist. “My room is upstairs,” he said and pulled Mikko along.

Mikko followed Juha and whistled softly when he entered the redhead’s rather spacious and luxuriously furnished bedroom. Obviously, Juha had everything he could wish for – materialistically speaking.

“We’d better sit over by the desk in case my father decides to check on us.” Juha moved a second chair over to his desk and gestured for Mikko to sit down. “Do you want something to drink? I can’t offer you any beer, but we should have cola, coffee and tea.”

“Why don’t you sit first and calm down?” Mikko took Juha’s hand and pulled him onto the chair next to him. “You’re shaking like a leaf.”

Juha bowed his head. “It’s because of my father. I was afraid he wouldn’t let you visit.”

“I really don’t like him,” Mikko said and looked about, searching for clues as to what was wrong. The walls of his room back home were covered with the posters of his favorite bands, but Juha’s walls were immaculacy white. There was a bookcase, filled to the brink with school books and a cupboard with some CD’s. A king-sized bed stood in the corner of the room and Mikko cringed at seeing the white bed linen, embroiled with tiny roses. There were hardly any personal items in the room except for maybe the framed pictures on the nightstand.

“He has been…difficult…since my mother died…” Juha kept his gaze trained on the chemistry book on his desk. “Would you…like to…see a picture…of her?” he asked tentatively.

“Sure, it might be interesting to see if you take after her, because you most certainly don’t take after your father!” Mikko’s heart missed a beat at seeing the tears slide from beneath Juha’s closed eyelids. This was difficult on the redhead and Mikko realized Juha desperately needed to talk about this. His hunch at the festival had been right.

Juha’s hands shook when he reached for the framed picture on the desk. “That’s my mother… She’d convinced my father to go on a vacation and he had booked a nice little cabin in a holiday park. He hated it there – she and I loved it.” Juha handed Mikko the picture.

It showed Juha and his mother standing in a snow-covered landscape. Both were dressed in warm clothes, but Mikko could easily make out the resemblance. It was the eyes, he realized, and to some degree the facial bone structure. Juha was obviously her son. “She looks lovely in that picture.”

Juha swallowed hard and smiled through the tears which he could back no longer. “She died two weeks before I turned seventeen. It’s been nineteen months now…”

Juha looked lost and Mikko did the only thing he could: he put an arm around the redhead’s shoulders, just like his mother did when he was feeling down. “That must have been hard on you.”

Juha nodded and leaned a bit against Mikko, uncaring that he was confiding in a stranger. He needed the comforting. “My father couldn’t deal with the situation back then. She was diagnosed with cancer and research showed that the tumor sat too close to her heart for them to operate. She got chemo for several months, but I knew right from the start that I was going to lose her. The doctors couldn’t save her.” He shook like a leaf and buried his head against Mikko’s shoulder. He had hoped his trust in Mikko would come through. He had been scared to trust him with his history. His trust had been shattered more than once.

“I’m sorry she had to die. You loved her a great deal and I’m sure she loved you.” Mikko had never been in a situation like that before, but tried to be as understanding as possible. “Life is seldom fair, don’t you agree?” Juha nodded against his shoulder. “Did you get a chance to say goodbye to her?” He wanted Juha to keep talking, knowing how important it was.

“I did. She’d had her last chemo treatment and it had become clear that she was dying. She preferred to die at the hospital though instead of at home. I think she knew my father wouldn’t be able to handle it. I sat with her that night and we talked. When she closed her eyes that last time, I sang her the same lullaby which she used to sing to me when I was little. She looked peaceful in death, Mikko. She had made her peace with her fate, but I wasn’t ready yet to let her go. I still need her!”

“Hey, it’s okay. You need to let it out,” Mikko said when Juha started to pull away from him.

Juha wiped at his tears and grew flustered. “I shouldn’t burden you with this. I’m sorry that I’m dumping this on you. It isn’t fair that you have to listen to this shit.”

“Hey, I offered to listen, remember? And it’s important that you talk about her. It’s the only way you can let go of your pain.” Mikko slowly wrapped his arm around Juha’s shoulder and pulled him close. “We all need a shoulder to cry on now and then. When I feel like that, I have my äiti to turn to, but you… You have no one left…”

Juha allowed Mikko to hug him and rested his head on the other man’s shoulder. “My father always says that it’s wrong to express your emotions in such a way -- that I should control them and hide them.”

“That’s bullshit!” Mikko adamantly shook his head. ”It’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!” Having a father like that explained why Juha was such an emotional mess. “It’s okay to cry. Forget what your father told you. Just let it all out, Juha.” He rubbed the redhead’s back and held him close. The longer Juha cried the angrier Mikko with Niklas became. Juha’s father was downstairs reading his newspaper and had urged his son to make his homework when the redhead was so very close to suffering a nervous breakdown!

“Thanks for holding me… Thanks for listening.” Juha said ten minutes later when he pulled away from the embrace. “I don’t have anyone I can confide in, or who would want to hold me like that.”

“Not even your girlfriend?” Mikko asked with a jealous tone to his voice.

“I called her,” Juha replied, not having picked up on the jealous note. “But she doesn’t want to just hold me. She’s more interested in having sex.”

Mikko chuckled. “Most girls aren’t like that, you know. They prefer cuddling.”

Juha managed a weak smile. “I picked the wrong girl then.”

Mikko had to bite his tongue not to say something like – maybe you should be looking for the right boy instead.

~~~

“Do you want me to help you with your assignment?” Mikko offered when Juha turned shy on him. The redhead probably felt embarrassed for breaking down like that.

Juha carefully moistened his lips and then peeked at Mikko’s face. “I don’t think I can work right now.” He pinched his eyes half-shut and would have loved to switch off the light on the desk, but as he wasn’t alone he couldn’t.

“What’s wrong?” Mikko frowned and studied the redhead.

“Headache… It happens sometimes.” That was an understatement though. He often had headaches and sometimes even migraines. He was downplaying it though.

“Then why don’t you lie down and I finish your work here?” Mikko suggested.

“I can’t ask that of you!” Juha however knew he had to lie down shortly. The lamp’s light hurt his eyes and it felt like someone had wrapped an iron band around his head and was now pulling it tight. His stomach rebelled, making him feel nauseous.

“I don’t think you have much choice.” Feeling worried, Mikko helped Juha to his feet and sat him down on the bed. “Lie down and try to get some sleep,” he said and lifted the redhead’s feet. Juha curled up in a fetal position and looked at him with a pained expression on his face. Mikko was under the impression that Juha wanted to ask him something, but for some reason the redhead didn’t speak up. “What is it?”

“Can you do me one last favor?” Juha pulled the comforter up to his chin, shivering over his entire body. After Mikko had nodded, he freed a hand and pointed at the drawer in the nightstand. “There’re pills in there… Pink ones. Can you give me two of them? They’re meant to fight my headache and prevent it from becoming a migraine.”

Mikko found the blister pack, removed two pills, and then turned toward Juha again. “Do you need water to swallow these?”

“The bathroom is over there,” Juha weakly pointed to the right.

Mikko went into the bathroom, discovered a glass on the sink, filled it with water, and returned to Juha’s side. The redhead had closed his eyes and his lips trembled as if he was trying to say something. “Don’t worry, okay? I’ll finish the assignment for you. You can go to sleep and hopefully your headache will go away again.” Mikko suddenly realized he had actually taken to stroking Juha’s hair. His first thought was to pull back his hand, but Juha seemed to enjoy the caress and was moving a little bit closer to him.

Mikko could have sat there for the rest of the evening, and the night, if they had let him, but he had promised to finish Juha’s work, and after doing that, he had to catch the bus home. His mother wouldn’t like it if got stranded. “Sleep tight,” he whispered, brushed the curly hair one last time and then made his way over to Juha’s desk where he sat down and started to work.

~~~

Thirty minutes later, Mikko felt extremely pleased with himself. He was surprised that he still remembered what they had taught him at school. Maybe he had picked up on more than he had thought back then! He placed down the pen and returned to Juha’s side. A quick look at the clock told him that he had to leave in fifteen minutes or else he would miss his last bus home. He brushed Juha’s brow and was amazed that the redhead slept through his touches. Maybe it was due to the medication Juha had taken. “I have to go now. Good night.” Mikko came close to pressing a kiss onto Juha’s brow, but stopped himself. That would be way out of line since Juha was asleep. He got another idea then, but in order to carry it out he had to talk to the bully downstairs.

Mikko silently closed the door behind him and walked downstairs. He looked about, searching for Juha’s father and discovered a light burning to his right. He walked toward it and saw Niklas sitting in front of his computer in his study. He coughed in order to draw Niklas’ attention.

Niklas looked up and pinched his glasses higher onto his nose. “Ah, Mikko, isn’t it?”

Mikko hadn’t thought Niklas would remember his name. “You’ll be pleased to hear that Juha and I worked really hard on that assignment.” Wow, was that a hint of a smile on the older man’s face?

“Excellent, in that case he’ll get tomorrow off. It’s Sunday after all.”

“Is he being home schooled?” Mikko was curious – he couldn’t help it.

“Yes, I supervise his studies.”

/Ouch,/ Mikko thought. /Poor Juha./ It had to be hard on the redhead to have a slave driver for a teacher. “I want to ask you something.” Niklas nodded and Mikko continued. “We didn’t finish completely. I need my books in order to do that.”

“Then bring them along tomorrow!”

Mikko frowned. Hadn’t the older man just given Juha the day off? “It might be easier if Juha came to study with me tomorrow evening. I’m not sure which books I need.” He had always been good at improvising – lying. Niklas gave him an inquisitive look and Mikko knew he was being judged – Niklas was determining if he was good company for his son.

Niklas took a few minutes to make his decision. “Juha can study with you, but I want him back at home at nine.” Suddenly realizing that his son, who should be acting as a host was nowhere in sight, he asked. “Where’s Juha?”

“He developed a headache while we were studying. I told him to lie down and he took some pills. He’s asleep now.” Mikko watched Niklas closely in search of some emotion, but he found none.

“I’ll check on him later.” Niklas’ gaze returned to the computer screen, clearly indicating that their conversation had come to an end.

Mikko shook his head and sighed. What kind of father was Niklas? He knew that his mother would have checked on him right away if she had heard that he wasn’t doing well. She would want to know what was wrong with him. But Niklas wasn’t like Lea. Since Niklas no longer paid him any attention, Mikko went upstairs again and his heart missed another beat at seeing Juha so tightly curled up beneath the comforter. The redhead didn’t look well at all.

Mikko quickly went over to the desk and wrote down his address and – tomorrow three PM – be there. Take a taxi or bus forty-nine. It stops at the doorstep.

Mikko placed the note in clear view and then checked on Juha one last time. The comforter had slipped and Mikko tucked it back into place again. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” For some reason it was really hard for him to say goodbye to Juha. He wanted to stay.

But his bus left in five minutes and if he wasn’t on it, he would have to sleep on the streets that night. His heart felt heavy when he turned away from Juha and walked over to the doorway. The only thing that comforted him was the hope that he was going to see Juha again tomorrow.

~~~~

“Jarmo, is that you?” Niklas looked up from the report he was typing.

“Who else should it be?” Jarmo appeared in the doorway. “Is there something you want from me? I’m tired and would like to go sleep. It was a long day in the studio.”

“Did you make any progress?” Niklas eyed Jarmo from over his glasses. Jarmo had definitely taken after him. There wasn’t a single trace of Helena’s features in his face.

“Yes, we finished two songs. So what do want?”

“Check on Juha, will you? Make sure he’s all right and not suffering another migraine.”

Jarmo nodded and headed upstairs towards Juha’s room. He knocked softly, but when no answer came, he pushed the door ajar and stepped inside. Juha was on the bed, his body hidden beneath the comforter, but he could see his younger brother’s face and saw the lines deeply etched onto the brow. It was either a headache, or worse, a migraine. He saw the blister pack on the nightstand and the glass of water. Good, Juha had taken his medication already.

Jarmo sat down on the side of the bed and studied Juha. It was a pity that Juha was ten years younger than he was. That age difference had kept them from bonding. He pressed the palm of his hand against Juha’s brow to make sure his younger brother wasn’t running a fever. Juha stirred at the touch and the eyes opened. “Are you going to be okay? Or do you want another pill?”

Juha’s hand appeared from beneath the comforter and his fingers curled around Jarmo’s arm. “Can you…stay for…a little…while?”

Damn it, he wasn’t good at this stuff. Awkwardly he patted Juha’s hand and whispered, “I will, but do you need another pill?”

Juha sighed. He knew Jarmo would never take him into his arms like Mikko had. The thought of Mikko helped him relax. “I need…another one…”

Jarmo removed another pill and helped Juha swallow it. “Try to go back to sleep.”

Juha curled his fingers quickly around Jarmo’s arm again. “Please…stay,” he whispered tiredly.

Jarmo surrendered to his fate and remained seated on the bed. Clumsily, he rubbed Juha’s fingers between his. He regretted that they would never be close. He liked Juha, he really did, but he would never stop seeing him as his baby brother whom he couldn’t relate to at all.

~~~

Juha didn’t wake until it was noon the next day. He felt disorientated, nauseated, and dizzy and like always, he was alone. He frowned: had Jarmo really been there last night or had he just dreamt it? Juha eventually dismissed it as a dream and sat up. He swung his feet onto the floor and held his head as he felt dizzy. At times like these, he missed having his mother about, who would fuss over him and take care of him.

If he wasn’t mistaken it was Sunday today and that meant that his father had gone to church. He had no idea where Jarmo was. He just knew he felt terribly alone. Suddenly the door opened and Jarmo stepped inside. Juha’s eyes widened and he wondered if he was still asleep and dreaming.

“Ah, you’re awake. Feeling better?” Jarmo remained standing near the doorway and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I knocked,” he added, “but you probably didn’t hear.”

It was most likely true, so Juha shrugged. He felt miserable and wanted to lie down again, but he also knew his father expected him to show up for lunch. It was already astonishing that he had been excused from accompanying his father to church. “Not really,” he whispered, disgusted by the awful taste in his mouth.

“Then take it easy. Father has excused you from lunch, if you don’t feel up to joining us and I’ll drive you to Mikko at two thirty.”

Juha blinked and slowly raised his head. “Why?”

“You’re studying with him. Did you forget? Father told me so this morning.” Jarmo was growing a bit worried now that Juha seemed so disorientated. He walked toward the bed, pulled up a chair and sat down. “You look like hell.”

Juha closed his eyes and slowly lay down. He curled up and pulled the comforter close. “I can’t get up yet… I’m tired.” He hated being weak in Jarmo’s presence, but he was becoming used to being in this particular situation. His headaches had started a year ago and were growing worse, turning into fully fletched migraines at times.

“Then sleep some more. I’ll wake you at two. That leaves you enough time to get ready to see Mikko. Or do you want me to cancel your study session?”

“No,” Juha said, not wanting to miss out on seeing Mikko again. “I’ll probably be fine by then!”

Jarmo got to his feet and walked toward the doorway. “I’ll save you some lunch in case you’re hungry later!” Jarmo stepped into the corridor and closed the door behind him.

Juha curled up even tighter and tried to wish his headache away.

~~~

“So this redhead of yours is coming over this evening?” Lea gave her son a wink. “To study to be exact?” It amused her to no end how Mikko had manipulated Juha’s father. Mikko *had* taken a bit too much after her, so she couldn’t really lecture him on it.

Mikko, who was cleaning his room, nodded. “I finished his chemistry assignment, but Juha’s father doesn’t need to know that. He thinks I’m helping Juha out with the rest.” Mikko stood back and judged his handiwork. “Do you think it’ll do?” Their apartment was small and sparsely furnished when compared to Niklas’ villa, but it was cozy and inviting!

“I can’t remember it ever being so clean in here.” Lea poked her son in the side. “Want me to make something to eat for the two of you? I got cake and cookies or would you rather have pizza?”

“I’ll ask Juha if he’s hungry and then decide. I hope you’ll like him!” He wrapped his arms around her and hugged his mother close.

“I’m sure I will. If you like him, then he must be a nice guy!”

~~~

Juha rested his brow against the cool bathroom tiles. Jarmo had stayed true to his word and had woken him at two, giving him just enough time to wake up and take a quick shower. The migraine was gone, but the attack had left him weak and dizzy. He turned off the shower, wrapped a towel around his hair and dried his skin. By then he felt light-headed again and had to sit down on his bed. No matter how bad he felt, he was going to see Mikko. At least Mikko had shown some interest in him!

He managed to compose himself and pushed himself to his feet. He walked over to the closet, removed the clothes he was going to wear and got dressed. He didn’t bother to style his hair, being unable to bear the constant noise the hairdryer would make. Just to make sure he wouldn’t end up embarrassing himself in front of Mikko, he also packed his migraine pills.

“Are you ready to go?” Jarmo called out from the corridor.

Juha quickly grabbed his bag, put his keys, wallet, and other things he might need inside and joined Jarmo in the corridor.

“Are you sure you’re up to visiting your friend?” Juha still looked pale and Jarmo noticed that his younger brother’s hands trembled.

“I’ll manage.” Once they were downstairs, Juha looked about in search of their father.

Jarmo noticed it and said, “He has a meeting.”

Ah, that meant he wasn’t at home. In a way, Juha felt disappointed. Last night, when he hadn’t felt well, he had hoped his father would check on him, but it seemed that Niklas wasn’t interested in his well-being at all.

~~~

“This isn’t the best neighborhood. Are you sure you want me to drop you off here?” Jarmo felt uncomfortable leaving Juha behind in this part of town.

“I’ll be fine.” Juha was glad that his remaining headache had cleared during the drive. He felt better although he was far from being fit. He hoped Mikko didn’t mind him being a bit groggy. Jarmo parked the car and Juha got out. He kept the paper with Mikko’s address on it tightly clutched in his hand. “When will you pick me up?”

“Father wants you home at nine. So I’ll be here around eight thirty, all right?” After Juha had nodded, Jarmo left.

Juha looked about. He didn’t remember ever having been in this section of Oulu before and he searched until he knew what direction to head in. Number forty… That should be to his right. Juha walked down the street, counting the numbers. When he had reached the right door, he read through the names next to the doorbell and found ‘Uusimaa’. Relieved that he had found the address, he pressed the doorbell.

~~~

“Mikko, get that! I’m in the bathroom!”

Mikko raced toward the door and pressed the intercom button. “Mikko here.”

“It’s Juha.”

Mikko pressed the button and said, “I’m coming your way!” He opened the door and raced downstairs, not wanting Juha to feel lost. He was excited and couldn’t stop smiling when he saw Juha climbing the staircase. He would have loved to take the younger man into his arms and hug him. “Welcome to my humble home!”

Juha smiled tiredly. “I’m happy I found it!”

Mikko noticed the fatigue and took Juha’s hand. To his surprise, Juha curled his fingers around his and allowed Mikko to pull him along. “My mother is at home. I hope you don’t mind. But she’s taking a bath at the moment so she won’t bother us!”

“I don’t mind.” He liked meeting new people, but he seldom got the chance to do so. Mikko closed the door behind him and Juha looked about. The apartment was small, but colorfully decorated and breathed a warm atmosphere. He instantly liked it. “This is nice,” he whispered and smiled. Most walls were a deep, warm red and golden accents hat been added. The furniture was worn down, but had been upgraded by draping colorful throws over it. “Really nice.”

Mikko beamed with pride. “I’m glad you like it. Lea did most of the decorating. My room isn’t that big though. Come on, I’ll show you.” As Juha hadn’t freed himself of his hold, Mikko used it to pull the redhead along. “This is my room.” Compared to Juha’s it wasn’t luxurious, but he had given it a warm feel by adding posters, plants and some of his mother’s throws. “Want something to drink? Or eat?” he asked, turning toward Juha.

“Some water would be nice,” Juha said, feeling nervous. He liked Mikko, but wasn’t sure how to act around him. He wanted Mikko to be his friend and was scared he might do something to offend him.

“Water?” Mikko arched an eyebrow. “Well, just come into the kitchen with me and you pick what you like. Äiti has cookies and cake too.”

Mikko’s enthusiasm made Juha smile and he started to relax. He didn’t know anyone like Mikko. The people that usually surrounded him acted distant. Mikko pulled him along and Juha sat down at the kitchen table. The chairs were grossly mismatched and highlighted several colors. At the same time, they matched in an odd way and put him at ease.

Mikko regretted having to let go of Juha’s hand, but he had to open the refrigerator. “Okay, we got: Sprite, orange juice, cola and… Milk?” He made a disgusted face. “What will it be? Water or…?”

“Some orange juice would be nice.” Juha put his bag onto the floor and looked about. The apartment breathed a warm atmosphere which was the complete opposite of his father’s villa.

“Want some cookies too? Or cake?” Mikko placed a glass of orange juice in front of Juha, poured some cola for himself and sat down opposite the redhead. Mikko pushed a plate filled with cookies and cake in Juha’s direction. “You look like you haven’t eaten today.” Juha was thin – very thin.

“I haven’t…” Juha took a cookie and nibbled on it in the hope that his stomach could handle it.

“And why is that?” Mikko bit a chunk out of a cookie and smiled. It was great to have Juha here and he hoped the different surroundings would help Juha relax.

“My stomach doesn’t like food after I had a headache.” Juha ate the rest of the cookie and said, “Those taste good.”

“My mother made them. She’s good at baking stuff. Here, try some cake too!” He put a slice onto a smaller plate and pushed it toward Juha, who gave him a doubtful look. “If you get sick, don’t worry. We got a toilet…and I have used it often enough in *that* way.”

Mikko’s remark made Juha chuckle. “I’ll keep it in mind.” With his fingers he broke off a small piece of the cake and ate it. “Very nice.”

Mikko was pleased to see the light return to Juha’s eyes. Being here was exactly what the redhead needed. “Do you want to get to know Gorbi?” Let’s see if he could relax Juha further.

“Gorbi? Who’s that?” Juha’s eyes widened questioningly.

“My mother’s pet. A very curious and smart little ferret. She named it after her favorite brand of vodka!” Mikko got up, briefly left the kitchen and got Gorbi. “Here, he’s quite a handful. I’m glad he’s not mine. He would drive me crazy.” The smile Juha shot him was absolutely stunning and something stirred in his heart. He wanted to see that smile all the time. “He’s really nice and doesn’t bite. Do you want to take him?”

Juha would love to pet the ferret, whose black eyes stared curiously at him. “I’d better not. I’m not used to handling ferrets. I might hurt him accidentally.”

Mikko however was quite adamant. “He’s not fragile. I dropped him before and he always lands on his feet.” He simply dropped Gorbi into Juha’s lap and watched with mirth how the redhead squealed and tried to confine Gorbi to his lap when the ferret tried to climb up his arm. “Mikko, help!” Juha couldn’t stop giggling though. He was ticklish and the ferret’s feet moved fast.

Mikko however leaned back and sipped his cola. “I’m sure you can handle him.” Seeing Juha chuckling and trying to get Gorbi to behave made him giggly in turn.

“Ah, so that’s your new friend!” Lea had heard the commotion coming from the kitchen and had grown curious. She didn’t want to intrude and would only stay for a few minutes, but she *did* want to see Juha. After all, her son had fallen in love with him!

Juha startled a bit and almost dropped Gorbi onto the floor. He hadn’t expected for Mikko’s mother to join them!

Mikko rescued Gorbi and put him on the floor, where the ferret started to run about. “That’s my äiti,” Mikko said and smiled reassuringly. “That’s Lea. Lea, this is Juha.”

Lea, dressed in a tight-fitting dress with snake print and with her hair still damp from her bath, sat down and studied Juha. Amused, she realized that he was blushing. “I don’t bite,” she said, trying to reassure him.

Juha felt shy around her. She was Mikko’s mother, but looked so young! Her way of dressing confused him even further. “I’m Juha,” he said, getting to his feet and extending his hand.

“Oh, sweetie, sit down! No need to get up!” She took his hand in hers and waited for him to sit down again. “My, someone taught you manners!”

“My parents did,” Juha said, growing flustered. “My mother especially. She always thought it very important that I was respectful towards other women.”

Lea wiggled an eyebrow at her son. “He’s a darling, Mikko!”

Juha’s blush intensified and he tried to look everywhere except at Mikko’s mother. He wasn’t really used to women like her.

Lea and Mikko exchanged smiles, and after eating a cookie, she got to her feet again. “I need to get ready for work, so I won’t see you again today. Have a good time you two and don’t stay in the house all day! It’s summer! Go eat some ice cream! My treat,” she said and placed some money on the kitchen table. “Mikko, we’ll talk after I get back from work! Have fun!” She waved at them and left the kitchen.

Mikko cocked his head and managed to make eye contact with Juha, whose blush was still deepening. “She likes you.”

“She’s nice,” Juha replied diplomatically. His mother had been quite different from Lea. Helena would never have worn such a skinny dress or would have called him a darling. “You’re lucky to have her.”

Mikko sighed, as he was once more reminded why Juha was so depressed. “She’s right. We shouldn’t stay inside all day. Want to go for some ice cream?” He took the money and pocketed it.

“I’m not sure. My father expects me to finish my chemistry assignment and when he sees me empty-handed he won’t let me visit you again. I’m surprised he allowed me to come here at any rate.”

“If you check your paperwork, you’ll find that I finished it for you. I just didn’t tell your father. Hand that in and he’ll be pleased, and it means we get the day off. It’s Sunday for crying out loud!”

Unfortunately for Juha, that mattered little to his father these days. “You really want to head into town?”

Mikko nodded. “I know this little place where they have gorgeous ice cream!” He got to his feet and offered Juha his hand. “Are you coming along?”

Juha took Mikko’s hand in his and rose from the chair. He checked how his stomach was handling the cookie and cake and it seemed to accept the food. “I’m not sure how much ice cream I’ll manage though,” he said apologetically.

“We’ll see, don’t worry about!” Mikko guided Juha toward the doorway, and after locking the door behind him, they stepped onto the street. Although the sun burned down on them, a breeze had risen, giving them the cooling down they needed. “I could show you some interesting sights if you want to. There’s a park around the corner and we could harass the ducks and pensioners there.”

Mikko’s last remark made Juha burst out laughing. He loved Mikko’s sense of humor. It was really refreshing. “You decide what we do. I’ll happily go along with everything you come up with.”

“Everything?” Mikko asked and wiggled an eyebrow.

“Well, almost everything,” Juha replied, realizing the trouble Mikko might get him into.

“Ah, I’m not that bad!” Mikko chuckled and curled his fingers tightly around Juha’s. The redhead gave him another blinding smile and Mikko was determined to make Juha smile as often as he could.

TBC

Part 3

Mikko shook his head and grinned in amusement. Juha was having a hard time making up his mind what flavor ice cream he wanted and kept studying the ones on offer.

“How many scopes can I get?” Juha asked, trying to decide on some flavor.

Mikko had had enough. How hard could it be to decide what ice cream to get? “Can you give us one big portion and put every flavor you have in it? Oh, and top it with lots of whipped cream!”

Juha’s gaze shifted from the sales person to Mikko in surprise. “What did you say?”

“And please bring it over to us!” Mikko hooked his arm with Juha and pulled him along until they had found a nice table near the window front. “I hope you don’t mind sitting inside, but I burn easily!” His skin was rather delicate and he suspected Juha’s to be even more sensitive.

“I’m fine with that, but why did you order that much ice cream?” Juha placed his shoulder bag onto the seat next to him and sat down. Mikko made himself comfortable too and Juha couldn’t help stare at the other young man. Mikko was so different from all the other people he knew!

“We got the money, so why worry? Let’s have fun, all right?” He wondered though if Juha still knew how to have fun. A minute later a waitress brought the ice cream. It was one gigantic mountain of about fifteen different flavors and a white-blanket of whipped cream covered it. “That looks great!” He took hold of the spoon, scoped up some ice cream and whipped cream, and told Juha to open up. He received another surprised look, but then Juha complied and Mikko fed it to him. “What flavor is it?”

“Tastes like banana,” Juha said and licked ice cream from his lips. “Tastes yummy.”

Mikko handed Juha that spoon and then picked up the other to get a taste of the ice cream himself. “We don’t need to finish it. Just eat as much as you like!” Mikko continued to eat and encouraged Juha to do the same.

After some more encouragement, Juha resumed eating too. “I used to do things like this when I was little. My mother would take me to the ice cream parlor and then I got to pick one or two flavors.” His thoughts traveled back, but this time, he smiled and there were no tears.

For the next ten minutes they busied themselves eating. Juha then placed down his spoon and announced he’d had enough. “Lovely ice cream though!”

Mikko was tempted to empty the bowl, but then reconsidered as he didn’t want to end up with a stomach ache. “What do you want to do now?”

“I don’t know…” Juha shrugged his shoulders.

“We could go to the park,” Mikko suggested.

“I’m okay with that.”

Mikko signaled the waitress that he wanted to pay and she brought the bill.

“I can pay for that if you like,” Juha offered, realizing that money was tight for Mikko and his mother.

“No way! This is my treat!” Mikko paid before Juha could slip the waitress some money. “You can pay for the next treat.”

Juha nodded and put his wallet away. “It’s only money, you know.”

Mikko nodded: but having it came in handy! However he understood what Juha was trying to say – Niklas might be rich, but emotionally the man was a cripple and he couldn’t buy his son’s love. Taking Juha’s hand in his was quickly becoming a habit and Mikko curled his fingers around it.

Juha wondered about that. He normally wasn’t a touchy person. Most of the time it took him a long time before he let people get close to him, but Mikko had quickly gained his trust. He wasn’t sure why. Something seemed to connect them. Finally paying attention to his surroundings, he found himself in the park, near the pond where pensioners were feeding the ducks and he recalled Mikko saying something about harassing them. The other man hadn’t been serious, had he?

Mikko laughed wickedly and pulled Juha along until they stood amidst the ducks. The two big white geese among them starting protesting and snapped at them. Juha had to take himself into safety quickly and escaped unharmed, but Mikko got bitten in a buttock.

“Ouch!” Mikko complained and rubbed the sore spot, but he grinned and then eyed Juha closely. A fine layer of sweat had appeared on the redhead’s brow. “Why don’t you take off your coat? It’s much too warm for that.”

Juha nodded and removed it, draping it over his shoulder bag. “It really is hot today!”

“Come along.” Mikko had had an idea.

“Where are you going? What are you up to this time?” Juha could hardly wait to find out. Spending time with Mikko was fun!

Mikko walked around the pond until they reached the section set aside for bathing. Mikko sat down on the grass and removed his boots and socks. “What’s more relaxing than putting your feet in the water when it’s so warm?”

Juha raised an eyebrow, finally catching on as Mikko walked to the landing stage where most people sat down. Since it was only a few feet above the water, Mikko could sit down and let his feet slide into the water.

“That feels great!” Mikko said and gestured for Juha to do the same. “Or are there holes in your socks?”

Juha pouted: he didn’t have any holes in them! Slowly, he walked over to Mikko and sat down next to him. Mikko raised an eyebrow and Juha removed his boots and socks. “Satisfied now?” Juha asked, sliding his feet into the water. Mikko was right though – it felt great.

Apparently Juha wasn’t used to doing things spontaneously and Mikko made it his mission to change that. “Want to roam the city later? Some stores might be even open.”

“It’s strange,” Juha said, suddenly feeling the need to explain his timid reactions. “My mother was the only one who’d do things like that with me. My father never would and Jarmo… He’s much too serious to enjoy something like this.”

Mikko squeezed Juha’s fingers and caught the redhead’s gaze. “Now you have me to do that stuff with.” He gave Juha a wink. The smile Juha gave him was stunning and spoke of happiness and trust. It was amazing. They had only met the other day and the way they were interacting, one would think they had been best friends for years.

~~~

They roamed the stores a little, which meant that Mikko dragged Juha into one store, out again and into the next. Then they hit a clothing store and Mikko started to try on several beanies. Juha couldn’t remain serious and burst out laughing when Mikko put one on which was pink with red hearts. “That’s too much!” Juha shook his head in bemusement.

Mikko grinned and admired himself in the mirror. “I like it, but…” He removed it and then put it on Juha’s head before the redhead had a chance to move away. “Better!”

Juha stared at his reflection in horror. “No way!” He quickly removed it and put it back on the rack.

“Too bad. You look cute wearing it.” But the thing was that Juha also looked cute without it! Checking the time, Mikko noticed to his horror that it was already six in the evening. “Want to head home and pick up a pizza underway?”

“Cookies, cake, ice cream and now pizza… I never have that much unhealthy food in a week!” Juha smiled though. He liked pizza, but seldom got to enjoy it.

“There’s a great pizzeria over there! Want to eat there or take it home? But if we take it home, Gorbi will try to steal a slice!”

Juha got the hint. “Okay, we’ll eat at the pizzeria and I’m buying!”

Mikko had no problem with that. “In that case I’ll go for the mega pizza!”

~~~

Juha couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in a pizzeria like that. When his father took him out for dinner it was always somewhere classy and he had to behave. With Mikko that didn’t matter and he felt relaxed around the other man. Opening the menu, he had the same problem as he’d had when deciding on his favorite ice cream. “How do I know what I want?”

“What’s your favorite pizza?” Mikko asked, putting down the menu because he had already made his choice.

“I haven’t one… I might have pizza once a year and that’s about it.” Juha nibbled on his bottom lip as he made his way through the listings.

“What do you like? Spicy or sweet?” Mikko was still recovering from the fact that Juha had pizza only once year.

“Sweet,” Juha replied and looked to Mikko for help.

Mikko drew in a deep breath – of course it had to be sweet – just as sweet as Juha was himself. “Try pizza Hawaii, it’s sweet. It’s got pineapple and ham.”

“Sounds good.” Juha would go for that. When the waiter came, they placed their order and looked coyly at each other. The atmosphere was rather romantic. There were candles everywhere and Italian music played in the background. It was the perfect place for couples.

Mikko’s eyes widened as he realized that his fingers were still curled around Juha’s and he slowly released them. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why…” He grew flustered.

“I don’t mind,” Juha said in a small voice. “The only affectionate person in my family who wanted to touch me was my mother and I miss that.” He was blushing too and turned his hand upward, extending his fingers in invitation.

Mikko smiled and reached out, establishing contact again. “I don’t really know why, but I feel like I’ve known you my entire life. You’re familiar and it feels right to touch you even though we met only yesterday. I never experienced anything like it.”

Juha nodded. “I know what you mean. I feel the same way. It never happened to me before either. I like being around you and I’m not shy around you like I am with most people. I actually confide in you! Yesterday I told you things I thought I would never tell a stranger! And you held me. You didn’t get fed up with me being so emotional!”

“Why would I? Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on at times and I’m sorry you didn’t have one before I came along.” Mikko squeezed Juha’s fingers. Juha’s blush deepened and Mikko realized some sort of connection was forming between them. And with that realization his concern returned. “Do you often have those headaches? You worried me last night.”

Juha shrugged. “They started two months ago. Well, the migraine did. I always had headaches, but they were never so severe.”

“Did you see a doctor?” Their pizzas arrived and Mikko dived into his pizza infernale superior. It was a good thing that he had also ordered water and milk because he needed to put down the fire the chilies created.

Juha grinned at seeing Mikko’s skin tone become more reddish. “Spicy?”

Mikko nodded. “You have no idea!”

Recalling Mikko’s question, Juha said, “My father insisted I saw one. He took me to the hospital and had an acquaintance of his check me out – a pediatrician called Auvo. He’s my doctor now. He prescribed me those pills.”

Mikko felt a bit reassured. At least Juha had been checked on. “I was thinking… I want to see you again, but your father might not want that. Can you convince him that I’m some older student who helps you with your assignments?”

Juha considered this. “I told him that I knew you from my former school. He believed that.” Then he shrugged. “I don’t think he cares though if we meet again. As long as I hand in my work and get home on time, he’s okay with it. He doesn’t care how I spend my time as long as I get my work done.”

“That sounds heartless,” Mikko whispered. “I’m sorry, but he sounds so cold.”

“He wasn’t always like that.” Juha poked at his pizza, having lost his appetite. “He got more distant after my mother died.” But Niklas had never really been a devoted and loving father. “I think he never learned how to show his feelings. Maybe he acted different around my mother, but… He never hugs me or tells me he loves me, but he never did that with Jarmo either.”

Hearing that broke Mikko’s heart. “And your relationship with Jarmo isn’t the best either, is it?”

Juha forced himself to eat. After sipping his orange juice, he said, “Jarmo is ten years older than me. He doesn’t really know me… We were always in different places in our lives. When I was ten, he was twenty and dating. I was in the way. I understand that, but… It’s a shame. I would have loved to have a ‘real’ big brother. Someone who protects me and…who does stuff with me.”

Mikko knew what Juha was getting at. He had his mother, who did those things for him. She was always there for him. “Maybe we can organize it in such a way that you can study with me every other day?”

Juha nodded and grew curious. “What do you do, Mikko? Are you still studying? Working?”

Mikko grew a bit embarrassed. “I’m not doing anything at the moment. I finished high school and now I’m looking for a job. So far, nothing has come up.”

“Then why don’t you go back to school? A good education is important.” Juha cringed as he realized that he had been repeating his father’s words.

“Of course it is, but it’s not the most important thing in the world. Maybe I’ll dedicate myself to my music instead.”

Juha listened up. “Do you play an instrument?”

“I got an old bass at home.” Mikko had noticed the gleam of interest in Juha’s eyes. “Do you play?”

“I sometimes fiddle around on Jarmo’s guitars. I have to be careful though that he doesn’t catch me. He doesn’t like it when I touch his things.” Juha had managed half his pizza and now had to admit defeat. He was already surprised that his stomach hadn’t acted up so far. “Enough…”

Mikko had finished his pizza and burped. “Anteeksi…that was accidental!”

Juha forgave him. “We should go. It’s close to seven and Jarmo will pick me up at eight thirty.” Juha paid the bill.

“But we still got time!”

“But maybe we could…play…on your bass a bit…and…” Juha fumbled with a corner of the table cloth.

“Of course we can! My mother also still has an old acoustic guitar! You can use it!” Mikko jumped to his feet and was suddenly very eager to go home. And since his fingers were still curled around Juha’s, he effectively pulled the redhead to his feet too. Juha smiled and Mikko sighed. There it was again – that stunning, lovely smile. Oh my, he really was in love! “Let’s go home and jam a bit!”

Juha allowed Mikko to pull him along, looking forward to playing again after such a long time.

~~~

Mikko collected the acoustic guitar from his mother’s room and joined Juha in his bedroom. “Here, I’m not sure if you need to tune her first.”

Juha took hold of the guitar and played a bit. He tuned the instrument and looked over to Mikko who was plugging in his bass guitar. “Do you want to be a in a band someday?”

“That would be cool, but I doubt I would make enough money to survive. That’s why I need that job.” He sat down next to Juha and played some scales. “I can’t find an interesting job though.”

Juha hummed softly and tried to improvise on the melody Mikko was playing. “My father wants me to follow in his footsteps. He wants me to study and eventually earn a Master’s degree like he did. He would prefer for me to major in economics.”

Mikko stopped playing. “That doesn’t suit you at all! You should do something artistic instead!”

“My father would never agree to that, especially since Jarmo already disappointed him in that way. Jarmo’s a studio musician. Our father didn’t like that at all and he will never allow me to do something in that direction.”

“That’s hardly fair!” Mikko was growing agitated. “Would you like to study music?”

“I wanted to study the Arts, but father says that you can’t make money in that field, so he ruled that out for me. I still have a year left before he decides what I’ll do. I got behind because…” Juha swallowed hard. “I accompanied my mother whenever she had to go in for chemo and…” He couldn’t continue. Emotions cluttered his throat and made it impossible for him to speak.

Mikko put his bass aside, took the acoustic from Juha’s hands and pulled him close. He held him and rocked him slowly. “You were too young to deal with that. Your father shouldn’t have put that burden onto your shoulders.”

“I loved her… I didn’t mind… I was glad I could help, but… It hurts so much that everything was in vain and that she’s gone now.” Juha wept and clawed at Mikko’s shirt. “It’s so unfair!”

“I know it is,” Mikko said and sighed. He tightened his hold on Juha and continued to rock him. Mikko lost track of time, but he didn’t mind, knowing how important it was that he was there for Juha. When at last Juha raised his head and drew away, Mikko used his sleeve to wipe away the redhead’s tears. “Feeling any better?”

Juha nodded. “Yes, thanks to you. I needed that – someone to hold me…someone who didn’t mind listening to my rambling.”

“Hey, it’s no rambling.” Mikko brushed strands of the curly hair behind Juha’s ear. “You lived through something traumatic and you had to keep it inside all this time.” He stroked Juha’s hair and smiled reassuringly at him. “Whenever you feel like you need a shoulder to cry on, give me a call.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Juha inched away from Mikko, feeling shy and embarrassed. A look at the clock told him that Jarmo would be there to pick him up any minute now. “I really had a great time with you. The ice cream, the park, eating that pizza, and jamming around…” But the most important thing had been the fact that he’d been allowed to express his grief and offer it a way out. “I want to thank you for everything.”

“Hey, I had a great time too! You make great company!” Mikko smiled winningly. “Want me to come over tomorrow evening? Maybe I can sneak inside under the pretence that we’re studying together.”

Juha thought it over. “It might work if you get there around seven. My father has a meeting tomorrow evening and leaves at six. Jarmo will let you in. I’ll tell him that we’re studying together.”

Mikko liked the idea. “I’ll show up at seven. I’ll even bring some of my old books to look genuine!”

Juha smiled. “That would be great. I really like spending time with you!”

Mikko nodded. “I like you too…”

A horn blowing in the street startled Juha. “That’s Jarmo.” He had recognized the sound. “I need to get going!”

Mikko walked Juha to the front door. Jarmo had parked in front of the apartment building and was watching them. “I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

Juha nodded, turned, and walked toward the car. The thought that he would see Mikko tomorrow lifted his spirits. Even when he saw Jarmo’s dark expression his good mood didn’t go away. “Am I late?” he asked, wondering why Jarmo looked so irritated.

“No, you’re early. It’s just…Things didn’t work out at the studio today.” Jarmo opened the door to the passenger’s seat.

That gesture surprised Juha who was usually told to sit in the back. “What’s the problem?” It would surprise him though if Jarmo would answer him. Most of the time his brother didn’t consider him mature enough to have a valid opinion.

“The lyrics aren’t coming together. It’s frustrating.” Jarmo started the engine and turned the car, noticing the smile on Juha’s face when his brother waved at Mikko. “So, you made a new friend?”

Juha immediately was on his guard. “He helps me with my studies.”

“He doesn’t look like he has his head in the books often.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” Juha knew he had to distract Jarmo. “Would you let me have a look at those lyrics? Maybe I can help.” He made that offer on purpose, counting on Jarmo to laugh at him and dismiss it. It would draw his older brother’s attention away from Mikko.

“Sure, why not. I doubt you can do anything about it, but why not?”

Juha’s eyes widened and he stared in Jarmo at utter shock. Had his brother actually accepted his offer? That was a first. Juha wasn’t sure what to make of it and closed his eyes in an effort to sort out everything that had happened lately.

~~~

Once he got home Juha went upstairs to his room and flung himself on his bed. On his back, with his hands underneath his head, he stared dreamingly at the ceiling. Today had been a good day, even in spite of the way it had started off, namely with the after match of his migraine. He turned onto his side, pulled his legs close to his chest, and closed his eyes. Smiling, he mentally reviewed everything Mikko and he had done that day. It had been odd to be outside and do things like that. Today had been fun.

“Juha? Can I come inside?”

Juha opened his eyes and sat up. The knock on the door and the carefully phrased question told him that Jarmo was outside. “Sure, come on in!” In spite of everything – them being ten year apart and never having bonded, he liked his brother. It wasn’t Jarmo’s fault either that their father had raised him in such a loveless way. Sometimes, like today, a gentler Jarmo showed and Juha loved the days when that happened.

Jarmo opened the door and entered his younger brother’s bedroom. He was surprised to see a smile on Juha’s face and suspected it being there had everything to do with Juha spending time with Mikko. In a way, Jarmo felt guilty for not being able to be there for Juha, but he just didn’t know how to reach out to him. If Mikko could be there for Juha instead, Jarmo would do whatever it took for them to be able to spend time together. He walked over to the bed and pulled up a chair. “You wanted to see the lyrics.” He placed a piece of paper on the bed. “And these are the notes.”

Juha’s surprise continued to grow. Jarmo was really willing to accept his help? Juha swallowed nervously and studied the lyrics and then the notes. “Can I borrow one of your guitars? I’d rather not use the piano downstairs.”

Jarmo knew why. Their mother had always played the piano. “You can have one of my acoustics.” Music was in both their blood. It was a legacy from their mother. Their father disliked it, as there was no money to be made with music. Jarmo had been lucky that his mother had still been alive when he had decided to become a musician. His mother had backed him up, but he knew Juha wouldn’t be that lucky, although Juha showed an even greater musical talent than he had. “See what you can do with it.”

Juha beamed with pride and happiness. “Thanks for this chance. I’ll try to help.”

Jarmo nodded. “I know you will.” He rose from the bed, and at seeing Juha’s expression change and sadden, he said, “I’m just getting you that guitar.”

Juha nodded enthusiastically and looked through the lyrics again. They looked all right, but he needed to hear the music in order to know what was wrong. A few minutes later, Jarmo returned carrying an acoustic guitar and Juha cautiously took hold of the instrument. “I’ll be careful with it.”

“I know you will.” Jarmo felt helpless and uncertain. What was he to do now? “I’m going to watch some television downstairs. Want to join me?”

Juha felt torn. He wanted to get started on the song, but at the same time, Jarmo was making an effort to spend time with him, even if they would just be watching television. “Sure, I’ll join you!” Juha placed the guitar and the paper on the bed and got to his feet – or wanted to get to his feet. Suddenly he lost his balance, stumbled, and threatened to crash into the desk. Luckily for him, Jarmo acted fast and caught him.

Jarmo frowned. “You didn’t have any alcohol, did you?” Suddenly he wondered if Mikko was good company for Juha after all.

“I didn’t! I just lost my balance.” Maybe he had been in the sun for too long? Ah, well, it didn’t matter. Suddenly he became aware of the fact that his brother’s arm was wrapped around his waist in order to steady him.

Jarmo quickly let go after making sure Juha could stand on his own. “By the way, Jaana called. She asked me to tell you that she was disappointed you didn’t call today. She’d wanted you to visit her.”

Most Sundays he did, but today, he hadn’t thought of her once. “I’ll call tomorrow and make things up to her.” They went downstairs and settled down in the lounge, each one at an end of the couch. “So what do you want to watch?”

Jarmo shrugged and flipped through the channels. In the end they found a documentary on haunted houses which both of them wanted to see.

Juha managed to stay awake for another fifteen minutes and then fell asleep. Last night, he had barely slept and Mikko had kept him on his feet all day. He was exhausted, but pleasantly so.

Jarmo looked to the side and saw that his brother had fallen asleep. That wasn’t surprising though since Juha had had little sleep that night before and he had the suspicion that Mikko and Juha had done way more than just studying, considering Juha had a slight sun burn. He watched the rest of the documentary with the sound turned low. After it had ended, he picked up the throw from the couch and covered Juha with it. His younger brother nestled deeper beneath the fabric and turned onto his side, which meant that Jarmo had to repeat the tucking in process. After giving Juha one last look to make sure that his younger brother was fine, Jarmo returned to his own room and continued to work on his music.

~~~

Lea found her son fiddling around on his bass when she got home from work that night. An entranced expression lay on his face, one which Lea hadn’t seen before. “Did you have a great time with your lovely Juha?” She sat down on the bed next to him and crossed her legs.

Mikko actually blushed. “He’s great, isn’t he?”

“And so well-mannered! First man to ever rise when introducing himself to me! Must come from a very good nest!”

“Rich nest,” Mikko said and put his bass away. “His family isn’t nice at all. His father is a bully and his older brother… Well, doesn’t act like one. He’s rather lonely and depressed. His mother died some time ago. She had cancer and she was the only one who seemed to care about him.”

Sensing her son needed comforting she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tight. “That’s a sad thing for someone that young to live through. I’m glad he has you now.” She pressed a kiss onto his hair. “So when will you meet him again?”

“I’m going to try to see him again tomorrow evening. We have this plan – to tell his family that I’m helping him study. Remind me to take some of my old school books with me!”

“You and your head in the books?” She chuckled. “You hate school.” To her amusement, Mikko pouted. “Hey, if it works… And Juha is always welcome here.” She could tell her assurance did Mikko good. “I know you’re attracted to boys and I have no problems with that. I just want you to be happy!”

“He has a girlfriend,” Mikko suddenly said. “She’s a real dragon!”

Lea burst out laughing. “Oh my! I’m sure you’ll make Juha see that he was wrong by picking her. You’re a real treasure, Mikko.” She hugged him again and then released him in order to get to her feet. “I hope the two of you will work out, either as friends or as boyfriends.”

Her remark made him blush fiercely. “I just like him,” Mikko said nervously.

“And he seems to like you in turn. Try to sleep a bit, son. Tomorrow, you’re going job hunting! Well, you could hang around at home instead, but if you really want a place of your own you need some income!” Mikko had mentioned wanting to move out and become independent, and although she would have loved to keep him around, she knew that it was important he started building his own life.

“Thanks for reminding me!” Mikko sighed and ran his fingers though his shoulder long hair. Well, at least the job hunt would keep him occupied and stop him from thinking about Juha all day.

TBC

Part 4

Juha felt nervous now that he was finally calling his girlfriend. Ah, well, girlfriend… He wasn’t sure their relationship deserved that title any more. “Hei, it’s me,” he said when Jaana’s voice sounded at the other end. “I’m sorry for not calling you yesterday.”

“Juha! I’m surprised you even remember I exist! You always come over on Sunday and yesterday, you didn’t even call!”

Juha cringed at her bitchy tone. Was he able to lie to her? What was he going to say? No matter what he said, he knew she would grow even more upset. “I didn’t finish my chemistry assignment on time and a friend helped me. I spent the day studying.”

“The least you could have done was call!”

Juha sighed and bowed his head. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

“You can come over this evening, if you want to. I do miss you.”

Juha closed his eyes and cursed privately. Mikko was coming over that evening. “Can we make that tomorrow evening?”

“No, we can’t!” Jaana said offended. “Call me again when you really want to see me!” And with that, the conversation came to an end and she was gone. Juha rose from the couch and walked over to the window, feeling miserable. Maybe he had been wrong and Jaana and he weren’t meant to be together. Everything had been so nice at first, and then things had deteriorated. He had tried to confide in her about the things that worried him, but she hadn’t been interested in them. When he’d had his first migraine, she had gotten Jarmo to take care of him and had gone home, saying she didn’t know what to do and that he should call when he felt better. Maybe Mikko was right and Jaana wasn’t the right girl for him.

Juha forced himself to start moving. He went upstairs and checked his home work. He had handed his chemistry assignment in that morning, and his father had okayed it, giving him a new assignment at the same time – English this time. He had done most of the work that morning, as he had been able to concentrate for a change. He only hoped Jarmo would allow Mikko to visit that evening. He really wanted to see his new friend.

Trying to distract himself, he picked up the acoustic guitar and studied the notes Jarmo had given him. He tried the melody a few times and then knew what the song was supposed to sound like. Next, he took hold of the lyrics and starting humming softly. He didn’t want to draw his father’s attention, as he was at work downstairs, so he kept the noise level down. Playing the melody again, he softly sang the lyrics and quickly realized where the rhythm went wrong. He grabbed a pencil from his desk and scribbled some changes onto the paper. If Jarmo changed that note here and that word there, everything would fit. He played the song one last time to make sure it sounded okay. Smiling, he put the notes and lyrics onto his desk and could hardly wait for Jarmo to get home so he could show him the changes.

~~~

Mikko had packed some school books, just to appear genuine when he showed up at Juha’s doorstep. “Do you think he likes chocolate?” He wanted to surprise Juha with a little something, showing his attentiveness, but unfortunately he was broke and couldn’t afford an expensive gift. His mother though had a nice mountain of chocolate in the kitchen cupboards and he hoped she wouldn’t mind him taking some along.

“Well, if he likes his pizza sweet, he might like chocolate too,” Lea said and grinned. Mikko never managed to keep things from her for a long time. He always told her the things that had happened and her son had also told her about the pizzeria.

Mikko blushed and packed a bar of white chocolate. “I’ll catch the last bus home, and yes, I’ll remember to get up in time for the job interview tomorrow.”

“Good! It’s a great chance for you! And now get going!” Lea chuckled as Mikko practically ran out of the door.

~~~

Jarmo called him downstairs for dinner and Juha went into the kitchen. He liked it best when his father wasn’t around during dinner. Jarmo was already at the kitchen table, putting potatoes, vegetables, and meat on their plates. As neither of them could cook, they had a housekeeper, who kept the house clean and cooked daily. At this time of day though the older woman would be gone and it was just the two of them.

Juha placed the notes and lyrics onto the table and shoved them toward Jarmo. “I’m not sure it’s what you’re looking for, but I think it works that way.”

Jarmo took hold of the papers and looked them over, humming the melody and then the lyrics. “And you, eat,” he managed in-between as Juha hadn’t touched dinner yet.

Juha picked up his fork and started to eat, but he wouldn’t manage much until Jarmo had told him if he liked the changes or not.

“It might work. I’ll give it a shot in the studio tomorrow.”

Juha’s eyes became radiant with pride. Jarmo hadn’t immediately dismissed it! “I hope it works out for you.”

“We’ll see. Eat some more. You’re losing weight.”

Juha raised an eyebrow, surprised that Jarmo had noticed. It was true though: he had lost five pounds this last month and he had always been skinny to begin with. Jarmo appeared to be a in a good mood so Juha gathered his courage and asked, “Can I borrow the guitar a little longer? I like playing it.” He bit onto his bottom lip, waiting for Jarmo’s answer.

“Sure, you can keep it. I don’t need it at any rate.” Jarmo knew music meant a great deal to Juha. “So what are your plans for this evening?”

Juha quickly lowered his gaze. This was it. “I asked Mikko to come over and study with me. I hope that’s okay.”

The fact that Juha kept his gaze lowered told Jarmo that something was up. He *did* know his younger brother a bit. “To study?”

Juha swallowed hard and raised his gaze, realizing his mistake. “Yes, and…we’re becoming friends,” he suddenly burst out. “I like him! I can talk to him! He holds me when I cry and…”

Jarmo quickly raised an arm. “I don’t want to know about any of that! He can visit.”

Juha’s bottom lip trembled as he thought, /It should be you and our father holding me!/ But he didn’t say so: he was much too relieved that Jarmo was okay with it. “Thank you,” he whispered and forced himself to eat some dessert – rice pudding, which he normally liked, but today, he felt too stressed to enjoy it.

~~~

This time, Mikko actually got to ring the doorbell. Juha appeared a minute later. The first thing Mikko noticed was the odd mix of happiness and sadness in the green eyes. Mikko grew worried that Juha’s father had done something to upset Juha again. “Are you all right? You don’t look like you are.”

Juha stepped aside to let Mikko in and looked over his shoulder. Jarmo was standing in the hallway and was watching them. “Let’s go upstairs…”

Mikko caught Jarmo staring at them and glared back. He disliked Jarmo and wished he could do something about Juha’s living conditions. If it had been up to him, he would have taken Juha in, but unfortunately that was hardly an option. He followed Juha upstairs, removed his boots, and then climbed onto the bed, where Juha had already sat down, stretching his long legs. “Are you going to tell me what upset you?”

“You must grow tired of me complaining all the time,” Juha whispered, feeling depressed.

Mikko moved until he sat next to Juha and took the redhead’s hand in his. “Now tell me.”

“Jarmo knows that you’re not here to help me study. I told him that I’ve confided in you and… It’s so unfair! He’s my brother! Why doesn’t he like me enough to take me into his arms and just hold me?” He had started to cry again and the hand Mikko was holding started to shake fiercely.

Mikko pulled Juha into his arms and rubbed his back. “At least he didn’t chase me away,” he said and wondered about that.

Juha sniffled. “He rather has me crying my heart out in your arms than having to deal with my feelings himself.” Juha closed his eyes and rested his head against Mikko’s shoulder.

Mikko sighed and rubbed Juha’s fingers soothingly. “No matter how bad that is, we should use it to our advantage.”

Mikko’s remark puzzled Juha who raised his gaze. “Use it?”

“You’ve an ally in the house, Juha. If you play this right, Jarmo will back you up. That way it would be easier for the two of us to meet and we wouldn’t have to lie about it.”

Juha understood and nodded. “Maybe you’re right.” Needing to change the subject, he asked, “What did you do all day?”

“I managed to get a job interview tomorrow. It’s a music store where they seal basses, guitars and drum kits mostly and they’re searching for someone to help out. I called, told them about me, and they asked me to come in tomorrow.”

“I hope it’ll work out for you! You’d be doing something that interests you and who knows, maybe you’ll get a discount on your new bass.” Juha winked at Mikko, who chuckled.

Unexpectedly there was a knock at the door and Mikko noticed the way Juha tensed next to him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s not my father. He doesn’t knock.” Juha quickly scooted off the bed. “Would you…?” He pointed at the desk where he had already put his homework out for everyone to see.

“Sure.” Mikko moved over to the desk, took up a pen, and smiled reassuringly. He hated the way Juha had tensed, just because of that knock. Home was the one place where you should feel safe!

“Juha, it’s me. I have some ice tea.”

Juha relaxed, but only just a bit. He opened the door and took a step aside to let Jarmo in who was carrying two glasses and a bottle of ice tea.

“All that studying must make you thirsty.” Jarmo turned and studied Mikko. So far, they hadn’t introduced themselves to each other. “I’m Jarmo, Juha’s brother,” he said and extended his hand.

Mikko took it, as he didn’t want to arouse any suspicions on Jarmo’s part. At least Jarmo seemed a bit more caring than Niklas. “It’s a good thing that it’s only English this time around,” he said after having checked out Juha’s assignment. “We won’t have any problems with it.” Juha seemed unable to move and so Mikko took hold of the glasses and ice tea. “Thanks for these.”

Jarmo nodded and eyed Juha for another moment. Then he stepped outside again and closed the door behind him. The red eyes had told him that his younger brother had been crying and he didn’t know how to handle such a situation. He’d rather let Mikko deal with it.

Mikko poured the ice tea into the glasses and offered one to Juha. “It’s a pity it isn’t vodka.”

Mikko’s remark made Juha chuckle and he started to calm down. “I’ve never had any vodka.” He sipped his drink and sat down next to Mikko. “Have you drunk any?”

“Sure, I have even been drunk a few times. It helps when your mother is a bartender!” Mikko winked at Juha. “And what about you? Ever been wasted?”

Juha quickly shook his head. “Father keeps the liquor locked away and Jarmo doesn’t drink at home. He goes out with his friends when he wants to get drunk. He knows our father doesn’t like it when he gets wasted.”

“You’ve never been drunk?” Mikko’s eyes widened.

Bemused, Juha shook his head. “Should I try it?”

Mikko considered. “It would be lots of fun to get drunk together, but…” His gaze had accidentally come to rest on Juha’s migraine pills. “It might not be the best thing for you.”

Juha had followed the direction of Mikko’s gaze and nodded. “Doctor Auvo told me to be careful around alcohol.” Juha sipped again and stared into Mikko’s eyes. “Jarmo let me borrow his guitar. He was really nice to me today. It’s a pity, really. He has this really nice and friendly side, but most of the time it doesn’t show. I don’t blame him though. I know our father raised him that way.”

Mikko still felt sorry for Juha and that was when he remembered his little ‘gift’ for the redhead. “I hope you like chocolate.” He rummaged around in his shoulder bag and then pushed the bar of white chocolate across the desk toward Juha.

Juha’s eyes glittered with pleasure. “It’s my favorite flavor. How did you know?” He momentarily hesitated, but after some encouragement from Mikko, he removed the paper and broke a chunk off. “You want some too?”

Mikko didn’t like chocolate that much, but nodded. He didn’t want to disappoint Juha. “Sure.” Juha placed a chunk in the palm of his hand and Mikko bit some off. “Do you think your father will allow you to visit with me tomorrow evening?” He had liked the relaxed and smiling Juha whom he had seen during the redhead’s stay at his home. Here, Juha always seemed on guard and tense.

“I can try. I’m not sure though he’ll allow me to visit you again.” Juha let the chocolate melt in his mouth and became thoughtful again.

“What else happened? I can tell something is bothering you,” Mikko prodded.

Juha shrugged. “Jaana called. She was angry with me because I hadn’t visited. I always do so on Sunday.”

Mikko’s temper immediately darkened. “What did she say?”

“She asked me if I wanted to come over tonight, but since you were already coming over, I asked if I could visit with tomorrow.” Juha felt uneasy now that he had to admit to lying to her.

Mikko’s mood brightened again. So Juha rather spent his time with him than with his girlfriend? That was encouraging!

“She was so angry that she hung up on me.” Juha stared at the desk and felt embarrassed.

“Hey, you’d rather be with me than her. That’s okay!” At least, while talking to him, Juha could get some things off of his chest. With Jaana, he would have to hold it all in.

Juha shyly raised his head and smiled at Mikko. “You’re right. I’d rather spend my time with you. I feel comfortable around you.” And this time, Juha’s hand crossed the distance to Mikko’s.

Mikko smiled happily when Juha curled his fingers around his. At that moment, he felt perfectly happy!

~~~

“I’ll walk you to the door,” Juha offered, regretting that Mikko had to leave again, but if Mikko missed the last bus, Lea would grow worried and he didn’t want that, no matter how much he loved Mikko’s company.

Mikko nodded, wanting another few minutes with Juha as well. He let go of Juha’s hand though when they reached the hallway, not wanting Jarmo to see the intimate gesture. The older man might draw the wrong conclusions. Once they had reached the front door, Mikko shouldered his bag and smiled at Juha. “Try to visit with me tomorrow. If necessary let Jarmo back you up. I really think he’ll support you.”

“I’ll do my best,” Juha replied and reached for the door knob, but something was off and he missed taking hold of it. Suddenly he felt dizzy and stumbled forward.

“Careful now.” Mikko, having startled, steadied Juha. “You must be more tired than you know!”

Juha gave Mikko a reassuring look. “You’re probably right. Last night I fell asleep on the couch in the living room.” These attacks of disorientation and vertigo worried him though. Maybe he should make another appointment with his doctor?

“You should get yourself checked out again. Go see your doctor,” Mikko insisted.

Juha smiled. “I was thinking exactly the same thing.” He wanted to hug Mikko goodbye, but Jarmo had appeared in the hallway and Juha didn’t want to draw the wrong kind of attention. “Get home safely.”

Mikko had seen Jarmo too, but still squeezed Juha’s fingers. “Take good care of yourself. Get some sleep, will you?”

“I will,” Juha promised. He watched Mikko until the young man had rounded the corner and was out of sight. Sighing, he closed the door and leaned heavily against it.

“Are you all right?” Jarmo had walked up to Juha and eyed his younger brother closely, having seen him lose his balance earlier.

Juha drew in a deep breath, opened the eyes he had closed, and looked at Jarmo, surprised to see real concern on his brother’s face. “I’m fine. I just need rest.”

“Maybe I should talk to our father and ask him to give you some days off. You look tired.”

“That would be nice – getting a break.” Juha started to turn to move back upstairs when Jarmo’s hand suddenly settled on his shoulder. Stunned, he looked at Jarmo from over his shoulder and Jarmo promptly removed it.

“I *do* worry,” Jarmo said, feeling uneasy. “I just don’t know how to show it.”

Juha nodded. “I know that.” It wasn’t Jarmo’s fault. “I’d really appreciate it if you talked to our father. I could do with some time off.”

“And go see doctor Auvo, will you?” Jarmo requested.

Juha nodded again. “Mikko suggested I should check with him too. I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.”

“How long have you known Mikko by the way?” Jarmo cocked his head. He had never seen the younger man before, nor had Juha talked about him until three days ago.

“A few days. We met at that festival on Sunday.” Juha wasn’t sure why Jarmo wanted to know.

“You like him.”

Juha swallowed nervously. What was this about? “Yes, I do. I don’t have that many friends and… I have the feeling we could become really good friends…if we get a chance.”

Jarmo understood and nodded. “I’ll try to help you out.”

Juha could barely believe his luck. He hadn’t really expected that.

“Go to bed, Juha. Get some sleep and I’ll talk to our father when he gets home.” Jarmo started toward the living room, turned, and gestured for Juha to get going too.

A smile stole onto Juha’s face when he went upstairs. His life might change a little bit for the better with Jarmo on his side.

~~~

The next day, Mikko made an effort to dress up for his job interview. He was nervous, but Lea managed to calm him down. She even walked him to the store and waited in a bistro while Mikko had his job interview. Fifteen minutes later, Mikko joined her and the big smile on his face told her everything she needed to know. “And?”

“I got the job!” Mikko excitedly hugged his mother and kissed her on the cheek. “I start tomorrow and the hours are decent. I start at nine and get off at five.”

Lea chuckled. “Let me guess…and once you’re off from work you’ll run over to Juha, won’t you?”

“Do you mind?” Mikko asked and ordered a cola.

“Not really, dear.” Lea sipped her tea. “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you though.”

Mikko frowned. When she started a conversation off like that, it meant she wanted to discuss something serious.

“A co-worker at the bar wants to emigrate, but she needs someone to rent her apartment. Her landlord won’t let her go otherwise.”

Mikko listened up and grinned. “I’m looking for one!”

“I told her that.” Lea grinned. “Maybe you want to look at it? It’s small, but the neighborhood is okay and the rent is low. Something nice to start you off with.”

Mikko couldn’t stay seated any longer. He jumped to his feet, hugged his mother, and chucked happily. “This is great!”

“I put some money aside for you, for when you’d move out. I’ll put into your banking account. You can use it to buy some stuff or maybe a cheap car.”

Mikko’s day couldn’t get any better and he grinned from ear to ear. “That’s amazing. Thank you! I love you so much!”

Lea patted her son’s back. “But I won’t come by and clean the place. You have to do that yourself!”

“I will,” Mikko promised happily. He had to tell Juha the good news and regretted having to wait until the evening. Hopefully Juha would be allowed to visit him!

~~~

“Juha, can you come downstairs for a moment?” Niklas called out from downstairs.

In his room, Juha startled and dropped his pen. What did his father want? Was something wrong? Juha walked into his father’s study, looked at the floor, and moved his feet nervously.

“Sit down,” Niklas said and eyed Juha closely.

Juha sat down on the leather chair and continued to stare at the desk, not willing to raise his gaze and look his father in the eye. First he had to know if he was in trouble or not.

Niklas sighed, but in a way that Juha couldn’t hear it. “Jarmo and I had a little talk last night. He told me that you appear exhausted to him and that you’ve been feeling dizzy lately.” Even Niklas had to admit that Juha looked tired. He might have pushed his youngest son too hard.

Juha shrugged. He wasn’t sure what to say. It was best to let his father do the talking. Niklas would tell him what was going to happen next.

“I made an appointment for you to see doctor Auvo. I told him that it was urgent and I want you there in two hours. Jarmo can’t drive you unfortunately, so I suggest you take a taxi.”

Juha looked up. “You want me to go in today?”

“It’s only two o’clock. You have plenty of time to get there. Your appointment is at four.”

Juha needed a moment to deal with that, but then he nodded. “I’ll take a taxi then.”

“And regarding your school work. I decided to take Jarmo’s suggestion and give you some days off. Get some sleep, rest. We’ll see what the doctor says and then I’ll decide what to do.”

Realizing his father had said what he had wanted to say, Juha nodded, and got to his feet. It was obvious that the conversation had come to an end. Feeling like in a trance, he went back to his room. He hated going to the hospital because it always reminded him of the fact that his mother had died there. The other times he’d seen doctor Auvo Jarmo had driven him and had waited in the waiting room, but Jarmo wasn’t available at the moment. But maybe Mikko was…

Juha stole downstairs, and after checking on his father, who was busy, went into the living room and sat down on the couch. He dialed Mikko’s number and prayed that the other man was home.

~~~

“Moi!” Mikko raised his legs and rested them on the coffee table. He and his mother had just returned from viewing her friend’s apartment and it had been perfect. He had even been able to buy some of the furniture from her. If everything went well he could move in within a few weeks.

“Mikko, it’s Juha. Do you have a moment or am I interrupting something?”

Mikko frowned. Juha sounded worried. “I have all the time in the world. What’s wrong?”

“My father wants me to see my doctor today and I…I’d rather not go there alone. Would you…could you…would you mind-“

“Coming along?” Mikko finished for Juha. “I’ll be there. Want me to meet you at the hospital or come to your place?” He felt touched and grateful that Juha had actually called him. Something told him that it wasn’t usual for the redhead to ask for help.

“Can you come to my place? I hate going to the hospital. It’s where…she…died.”

Mikko swallowed hard, understanding why Juha needed the support. “I can be there in thirty minutes, is that all right?”

“Yes, and thank you. You’re very sweet to do this.”

Mikko closed his eyes and sighed blissfully. Juha had called him sweet! “I’ll see you then! Bye!” Mikko hung up and got to his feet. It was time to walk to the bus stop!

~~~

Juha felt relieved that he didn’t have to go to the hospital alone. He really hated it there. The first time he had been there after his mother had died he had burst out into tears. His father had told him to compose himself and had walked on, leaving him standing there battling his fears and grief. It had been an elderly nurse, who remembered seeing him with one of their patients, who had comforted him until he had managed to calm down. He had felt so alone back then. And when he had caught up with his father, Niklas had been embarrassed, clearly disapproving and condemning his emotional outburst in the corridor. That incident had changed their relationship forever. Whatever trust or faith Juha might still have had in his father had disappeared at that time.

He didn’t bother to tell his father that he was leaving for the hospital. Juha pulled the door shut behind him and waited for Mikko and the taxi to arrive. Mikko arrived first and Juha immediately walked over to him. “Thanks for rushing over here. I probably ruined your entire afternoon, but –“

“Calm down.” Mikko, uncaring if anyone might see them, took Juha in his arms and hugged him. “Now tell me what’s going on.”

“I’ve been dizzy lately…and my balance is off… My father wants my doctor to check on me and made an appointment for four o’clock. He told me just now.”

“He sprang it on you without warning.” Mikko shook his head. Niklas was such an insensitive bastard! And Juha had told him why the redhead was anxious about going to the hospital alone. “I’ll be at your side the entire time.”

Juha swallowed hard. “Thank you for that. I really can’t go there alone.” Juha wrapped his fingers around Mikko’s and Mikko squeezed them in turn. The taxi had arrived and they moved into the backseat.

Mikko eyed Juha closely and saw the fine lines of fatigue and stress etched onto the redhead’s brow and hoped it was only strain that was causing the vertigo, imbalance and migraines and nothing serious.

TBC

Part 5

Mikko’s features contorted and he forced himself to bear Juha’s crushing hold on his hand. If Juha continued to squeeze like that he might not be able to play his bass guitar for the next few days. During the ride over to the hospital, Juha had been quiet and had refused to let go of his hand. Now that they were walking down the corridor toward the waiting area, Juha was slowing down his pace. “Everything will be okay,” Mikko offered.

Mikko’s words pulled Juha from his musings and he realized how much pressure he was putting on his friend’s hand. He immediately loosened the hold and apologized.

“Don’t worry about it,” Mikko said, but he was relieved that his hand had been released without any broken bones. In order to make up for the lost contact, Mikko wrapped his arm around Juha’s waist and the redhead promptly leaned into the touch.

When they’d reached the reception area, Juha said, “I’m Juha Kylmänen. I have an appointment at four o’clock.”

“Please sit down. The doctor will get you in a few minutes,” the nurse said.

Juha and Mikko walked over to some chairs and sat down. This time, Mikko was smart and curled his fingers around Juha’s making sure the redhead couldn’t crush his hand again. “Do you want me to go inside with you? Or should I stay here and wait?”

“Can you come inside with me? I don’t want to do this alone.” Juha gave Mikko a pleading look.

“I will, don’t worry.” Mikko rubbed Juha’s cold and clammy fingers.

“Juha! Come inside!” A man in his forties and dressed in normal clothes, and not in a doctor’s attire, had walked into the waiting area and gestured for Juha to follow him. “Ah, you brought someone along?”

Juha nodded and timidly said, “This is Mikko… He’s a good friend and… Can he accompany me?”

“Sure he can! Hello, Mikko! I’m doctor Auvo! Follow me inside!”

Mikko was pleasantly surprised and looked questioningly at Juha. “He’s not the kind of doctor I’m used to…or the way I’d pictured him!”

Juha smiled at Mikko and said, “He’s a pediatrician. I’m not twenty-one yet, so basically I’m still a child – according to them.”

Mikko grinned in turn. “Yeah, right!” They stepped into doctor Auvo’s office and Mikko’s grin grew plastered onto his face. Most of the walls were covered with children’s paintings. It gave the office a bright and warm feel.

“Please sit down and tell me what’s wrong. Your father said that it was urgent!” Doctor Auvo opened Juha’s medical file and started to read. Then he took hold of a pen and waited for Juha to talk. If he noticed that they were holding hands, he didn’t mention it.

“I don’t know if it’s urgent,” Juha said timidly.

“What’s happened? Did the frequency of your migraines increase?”

Juha nodded. “They’re growing more frequent and more…intense. The last time I suffered one, I needed three pills instead of just the two.”

Mikko listened carefully, interested in everything he could find out about Juha’s condition.

“What else?” Doctor Auvo made a note in Juha’s file.

“Not much,” Juha stared at the floor.

“May I say something?” Mikko asked. Juha looked at him in surprise and the doctor nodded.

“He lost his balance and said he was dizzy yesterday,” Mikko said, hoping he wasn’t crossing any boundaries with Juha.

“Ah that,” Juha shrugged. “I had too little sleep and too much homework.”

Doctor Auvo however had put down his pen and eyed Juha closely. “And does this happen frequently?”

Juha shrugged again and hesitantly nodded. “Jarmo had to catch me because I was dizzy and stumbled the other day.”

Auvo wanted more information. “Have you noticed your hands shaking? Or any tremors coursing through your body?”

Juha shrugged a third time. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t pay attention to something like that.”

“Mikko, did you?” doctor Auvo asked.

“He shakes a lot, yes, and his hands tremble a lot too.” Mikko’s eyes narrowed, seeing a worried expression on the older man’s face. “Is it something bad?”

“It’s probably just stress and lack of sleep, but I want to make sure. Juha, I’ll schedule tests for Monday. Just give the nurse this note and tell her to set you up.”

Juha took hold of the paper and gave him a questioning look. “Is there anything I should know?”

“It’s just a precaution. It’s nothing for you to worry about.” Doctor Auvo made another note in the file and closed it. “Try to get some rest if you can.”

Juha nodded and got to his feet. Mikko moved along and they exited the office. Juha handed the note to the nurse, who scheduled him for a number of tests. “Scans? Blood tests? Why?” he asked Mikko. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I just need some decent sleep.”

“He just wants to be safe, didn’t he say that? It’s a precaution.” Mikko tried to reassure Juha. “So what do you want to do now?”

“I should go home. My father expects me to tell him what the doctor said.”

“Want me to tag along?”

“I would like that, but if my father is in a bad mood, he’ll probably ask you to leave, Mikko.”

“Then you have to smuggle me in!” Mikko grinned. “Ah, don’t worry. We’ll find a way!” He would get into the house, even if it meant climbing into Juha’s room from the outside!

~~~

Juha stood in front of the front door and stalled going inside. Mikko understood why, but stalling wouldn’t get them anywhere. “You’d better get this done.”

Juha nodded and unlocked the door. After closing it behind him, he drew in a deep breath. “You’d better stay here.” He didn’t want Niklas to see Mikko right away. It was probably best that he talked to his father in private. Maybe Niklas wouldn’t notice Mikko and they could disappear upstairs. After Mikko had nodded, Juha went toward his father’s study and knocked.

“Yes, come inside!”

Juha opened the door and slowly moved inside. “It’s me.” Seated behind his massive oak desk Niklas looked even more distant and Juha’s heart contracted painfully in his chest. Feeling his father’s questioning look upon him, he said, “I went to see doctor Auvo.”

“And what did he say? Come on, tell me!” He was in the middle of writing an important report and had to focus!

“He ordered some tests. I have to go back on Monday for some scans and blood tests.”

Niklas frowned: he hadn’t really expected Juha to be suffering from something serious. “Did he say anything else?”

“That I should get some rest. He didn’t think it was something to worry about though.” Juha wanted out. Talking with his father felt clinical and bereft of emotion. It gave him the creeps.

“Hum,” Niklas said and frowned deeper. “I will arrange for Jarmo to take you to the hospital on Monday.”

Juha nodded. He had wanted Mikko to go with him, but now that his friend had a job, he wouldn’t be able to accompany him at any rate, and having Jarmo there was better than having to go in alone. “Yes, father.”

“And do as Auvo said, get some rest. You’re excused from any homework until Monday.”

“Yes, father.” Juha knew their talk had come to an end, but he also knew he had to inform Niklas of Mikko’s presence, if his father found out by accident, Niklas would be furious. “Mikko accompanied me to the hospital today and he also accompanied me home. Is it okay if he stays a little while longer? I’d really like that.”

Niklas frowned. Mikko? Who was Mikko? “Ah, the young man helping you with your studies? Why not, but I want you in bed at ten!”

“He has to leave at nine thirty at any rate.” That was when Mikko had to catch the last bus home. Juha turned around, closed the door to the study behind him, and returned to Mikko, who wandered about and studied the paintings on the wall. “You can stay.”

“That’s great!” Mikko took Juha’s hand in his and together they climbed the stairs. “So what do we do?” It was only six in the evening and they had a good three hours left! At that moment, his stomach growled fiercely. “Sorry about that,” he whispered and blushed.

“I’ll get us something to eat,” Juha said. “Just make yourself comfortable.” Juha left the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. On a tray, he placed two plates, knives, some orange juice, toast, butter and toppings. It wasn’t really dinner, but he hoped it would be okay for Mikko, as he wasn’t hungry himself. He took everything upstairs and placed the tray on the desk. “Serve yourself.”

Mikko instantly attacked the food and ate three slices of toast. Juha however barely managed one and that made Mikko frown. “You need to eat more!”

“I’m not hungry.” The truth was that his head was spinning and he would have loved to lie down. But as Mikko’s host he couldn’t be so impolite.

But Mikko realized that the day had drained Juha. “It’s okay to lie down and take a nap.”

Juha shook his head. “I can’t do that. What about you?”

“Don’t worry, I won’t grow bored.” He would never grow bored just looking at Juha. “Why don’t you lie down and I play you a little lullaby?”

“Are you sure? You don’t think I’m rude when I-“

Mikko cut him short and took Juha’s hands in his. “Lie down.” Mikko suddenly realized that Juha’s hands trembled within his and he recalled the doctor’s question. He didn’t think it was something serious though – it was just the stress and pressure Niklas put his son under. “Just lie down.” Mikko pushed down the comforter and nodded encouragingly.

Juha, feeling tired to the bone, gave in and stretched on the bed. He attained his favorite sleeping position, curled up on his side and with his knees against his chest, and watched Mikko with big eyes. Mikko gathered the comforter and tucked the fabric around Juha’s form. “Now close your eyes and get some sleep.” He sat on the bed next to Juha with his back against the headboard and took hold of the guitar. “I’m a bit rusty though,” he apologized in advance.

“I don’t mind,” Juha assured him and buried deeper into the mattress. It was really nice to be lying down and being able to close his eyes.

Mikko divided his attention between keeping an eye on Juha and on his fingers moving over the strings. He sang softly, or rather he hummed an old lullaby his mother used to sing. A few minutes later, he put the guitar away and simply watched Juha sleep. As if moving by itself, his hand stole into Juha’s hair and stroked the curly mane. Juha sighed and a smile appeared on his face, making Mikko smile in turn. Juha was sound asleep and Mikko hoped he would stay that way, but then someone knocked on the door.

Not wanting Juha to wake up, Mikko left the bed and opened the door, only to find Jarmo standing there. “I’m sorry, but Juha’s asleep.”

“I just want a quick peek at him.” Jarmo stepped inside the bedroom and watched Juha for a few seconds. “Are you staying the night?”

Mikko thought he had misheard. “No, I need to catch the last bus home at nine thirty.” He also had to start his new job tomorrow so he had to be home in time no matter how much he would have liked to stay the night.

“I’ll keep an eye on him after you’re gone.” His father had told him about the tests Auvo had ordered and Jarmo worried. “Thanks for going to the hospital with him,” he said in a formal tone and then left the bedroom again.

Mikko shook his head, feeling bewildered. Juha’s family was weird! He closed the door and returned to the bed. He stretched next to Juha and resumed stroking the redhead’s hair. How could Juha think that Mikko could possibly be bored? He had never seen a more enticing sight in his life! It was like watching an angel sleep.

~~~

Juha woke two hours later, around eight o’clock. His eyes opened slowly and then closed again. He shifted on the bed, nestled deeper beneath the comforter and wanted to go back to sleep when he suddenly recalled that he wasn’t alone. Mikko sat on the bed. His eyes opened and he stared big-eyed at the other man. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I fell asleep on you!” He pushed himself up and gave Mikko an apologetic look.

“Don’t worry. You needed the rest and I played some guitar. It’s amazing that I didn’t wake you.” Mikko smiled reassuringly at his friend. “Jarmo dropped by to check on you,” he said, knowing it would mean a lot to Juha.

“He did?” His eyes widened further. “He’s been really nice to me during these last few days.”

“Maybe he has realized that you’re not feeling well,” Mikko suggested and placed the guitar against the wall. “Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat. You only had half a slice of toast. You put the rest down. Anything you would like to eat?”

Juha rested his back against the headboard and considered Mikko’s offer. “Actually there’s something…”

“Yes?” Argh, it was like pulling teeth – he constantly had to draw things from Juha because the redhead was too insecure to tell him! “What would you like?”

“When I was ill, my mother always made me alphabet soup. It’s easy on the stomach and I…” Juha blushed.

Mikko however grinned. “I doubt you did the same thing I did, namely make dirty words with the letters.”

Juha’s blush intensified. “Of course not! I made decent words!” They stared at each other and then burst out laughing. In some ways they were complete opposites!

“If you tell me where I can find the stuff, I’ll make some for you.” He didn’t know his way about in the Kylmänen’s kitchen!

“I’ll come along with you,” Juha announced and when Mikko wanted to protest, he said, “Forget about it! I feel rested and I don’t want you having to make me dinner!”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Mikko assured Juha, but realized the redhead wouldn’t let him go downstairs alone. “Then tag along!”

Juha inched toward the side of the bed and put down his feet. Mikko, keeping an eye on Juha, got to his feet first and stood ready to support Juha in case it was necessary. Juha however managed to rise from the bed without any attacks of vertigo and grinned smugly at Mikko. “Yes, I get it,” Mikko said. “I’ll try not to fuss over you.”

Juha took Mikko’s hand in his and rubbed the back with his thumb. “Let’s go downstairs.” He hoped they wouldn’t run into his father.

They went downstairs and Juha guided Mikko into the kitchen. Mikko was impressed: the kitchen, like the rest of the house, was spacious and well-furnished. And yet, in spite of all that luxury, love was missing. “So what do I do?”

“Sit down and let me!” Juha wasn’t going to put his guest to work! He rummaged about in the kitchen cupboards until he had found a pan and the package of soup. He added water to the pan, opened the package, poured the soup into the water, and stirred over a medium flame. “See? I can do this! No problem!”

Mikko wasn’t so pleased however. He wanted Juha off his feet. The redhead might not notice it, or prefer to ignore it, but the hand stirring the soup trembled. “Juha, please, why don’t you let me stir it and you sit down instead?”

“Why?” Juha frowned.

“Because your trembling is growing worse.” Mikko walked over to Juha and wrapped and arm around the redhead’s waist. He noticed the way Juha stared at his hand in shock and then the redhead allowed him to lead him to the kitchen table. “Sit down and let me do this, all right?”

Juha was too shocked to protest and sat there staring at his trembling hands. His feelings of helplessness increased when he couldn’t stop the trembling. He couldn’t control it!

Mikko caught the alarmed look and sighed. Maybe there was something more serious going on than he had originally thought. “Where are the bowls to put the sup in?”

“Over there, to your right.” Juha didn’t raise his arm, not wanting to be confronted with more trembling.

Mikko removed two bowls and took two spoons from the drawer. After pouring soup into their bowls he carried them over to the kitchen table. “Hey, it’s probably just stress.” He took one of Juha’s hands in his and rubbed the digits. “Try to eat something.”

Juha swallowed nervously and stared at the soup. Normally he would have fun making words, but now he worried about making a mess. He freed his hand reluctantly from Mikko’s hold and wrapped his hands around the bowl, opting to drink from it rather than use a spoon. He’d make a mess for sure if he did!

Seeing Juha having to make such an effort to sip some soup tore at Mikko’s heart. Suddenly he was grateful that doctor Auvo had decided to run those tests on Juha. Maybe something would show up on Monday! Mikko regretted being unable to go in with Juha, but he couldn’t lose the job right away! But, on a good note, tomorrow was Friday and he never had to work during the weekend, so he could be there for Juha then! And on Monday evening, he would check with Juha again! It had to do! Mikko stared into his soup, having lost his appetite and started to move the letters about until he had suddenly put together the word ‘kiss’. Blushing, he quickly dispersed the letters. His thoughts shouldn’t stray in that direction at the time being!

“Mikko, is something wrong?” It worried Juha that Mikko had become so silent. He wasn’t used to Mikko being quiet.

“I was just thinking. I’m sorry that I can’t go in with you on Monday. I would really have liked to do so.”

Juha took Mikko’s hand in his and squeezed. “You already did so much for me!”

Mikko grew a bit flustered. “I like doing those things for you.” Peeking at Juha, he found the redhead smiling at him. It was an awkward moment, but at the same time the connection binding them deepened further.

“Is everything fine in here?” Jarmo stood in the doorway and had watched their exchange. His father had told him about the tests Auvo wanted to run on Juha. Auvo had been his pediatrician for years and he knew the doctor wouldn’t do such a thing if he didn’t have a good reason for it.

“Yes,” Juha said, and let go of Mikko’s hand. “We’re just having soup.”

Mikko sighed when Juha let go of his hand like that. It showed how anxious Juha was now that Jarmo had shown up.

“If you need anything, just give me a call, and Mikko, if you don’t leave now, you’ll miss your bus.”

Mikko checked the time. “Shit, he’s right!” Glancing at Juha, he noticed the way Juha’s expression saddened. “I’ll call you tomorrow during my lunch break and we’ll see each other again tomorrow evening…” Mikko suddenly had an idea: now that Jarmo was on their side he should make use of that. “Jarmo, can you drive Juha over to my place around six? And pick him up again?” He wanted Juha out of this house and in a warm and caring environment!

Jarmo frowned at first, but then nodded. “I can do that.” After saying that, he left them alone.

“I’m sorry, but Jarmo is right. I need to get going within the next five minutes. Do you want more soup?” Juha had managed to empty his bowl, but Mikko would like for the redhead to eat more.

“No, I feel full.” Juha felt depressed now that Mikko had to leave. “I’ll miss you,” he admitted suddenly.

“Same here,” Mikko said and sighed. “Do you want me to take you upstairs again?”

“That might be best. I don’t want to run into my father this evening…”

Mikko got to his feet and so did Juha. They climbed the stairs and went into Juha’s bedroom. “Are you going back to sleep?” Mikko asked.

“I’m not sure yet. Maybe I’ll watch a little bit of television.” A small television stood in the corner of the room, tucked away in a cupboard.

“Make yourself comfortable in bed,” Mikko said and walked over to it to switch it on. He found the remote control and took it over to the bed, where Juha had disappeared beneath the comforter. “If you need to talk, just call me! Even when it’s the middle of the night, all right? And tomorrow, after work, you’re coming over to my place. My mother will be there though. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t. I like her, even though she’s…”

“Different?” Mikko finished since the redhead didn’t dare end the sentence himself. “I know that.”

“But I like her!” Juha said, hoping Mikko hadn’t misunderstood.

“I know you do! So don’t worry. You got everything you need?” He took hold of his shoulder bag and waited for Juha to reply.

“I’m all set,” Juha replied and smiled. “Thanks for everything, Mikko. And I really mean that.”

Mikko wavered momentarily, but then leaned in closer and pressed a chaste kiss onto Juha’s brow. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” A blush had stolen onto his face, and looking at Juha, he found the redhead growing flustered too.

“Yes, tomorrow,” Juha repeated and shyly averted his gaze.

Mikko sighed and left, realizing that with each passing day, leaving Juha behind on his own was growing harder on him!

~~~

After midnight, when Jarmo decided to head to bed, he made a detour to Juha’s room. This time, he didn’t knock as he didn’t want to wake his younger brother, whom he expected to be sound asleep. Pushing the door ajar, he peeked around the corner to check on Juha.

Juha was on the bed, still covered by the comforter and curled up on his side, but his sleep was far from peaceful as he was having a nightmare. He had re-lived losing his mother a hundred times and still these dreams continued to haunt him. “Don’t go… Please stay… Don’t die…”

Jarmo drew in a deep breath. It wasn’t news to him that Juha suffered from these nightmares. He had seen it before. He felt torn between closing the door and pretending he hadn’t seen anything and moving over to the bed to console his younger brother. The first option was safe, whereas the second led him into unknown waters. But in the end, he couldn’t simply turn his back on Juha and stepped inside.

He walked over to the bed and sat down. Juha’s hand, which shook violently, showed from beneath the comforter and after waging a war with himself, Jarmo took it in his. The effect was instant – Juha started to calm down and the mumbling stopped. Holding Juha’s hand in his felt odd and Jarmo’s first reaction was to let go and leave, but he didn’t want the nightmare to return so he stayed put and rubbed Juha’s fingers like he had seen Mikko do. “It’s okay,” he whispered eventually. “Go back to sleep. Everything’s fine.” He had never – not once in his life! – reached out to Juha in such a way and he didn’t really know what to make of his actions. He knew his father would condemn him for it. A true man didn’t show his feelings!

Jarmo waited another few minutes until he was certain that the nightmare was gone and then tucked Juha’s hand back in place beneath the comforter. Hopefully Juha’s sleep would remain undisturbed for the rest of the night. He would look in on his younger brother in the morning before he headed over to the studio.

~~~

Juha woke with a bad taste in his mouth the next morning. Bah, he had forgotten to brush his teeth last night! Ah, at least he *had* remembered to switch off the television before he had fallen asleep. He stretched carefully, still feeling tired. He turned onto his side and tucked the comforter around his body. He didn’t want to get up yet. It was nice and warm in his bed! But then he looked at the clock and realized it was already nine in the morning. What had happened to his father waking him at seven and throwing him out of bed?

Last night had been strange to begin with. He’d had a nightmare, he remembered that much. That in itself was nothing out of the ordinary as he had them frequently, but then he had dreamt that Jarmo had sat down on the bed, had taken his hand and had reassured him. Now that definitely *was* odd. He had never dreamt something like that before! Jarmo and looking after him? Those two things didn’t fit together.

“Juha? Are you awake yet?”

Juha blinked. That was Jarmo’s voice. “Yes, I am,” he called out and frowned. What was Jarmo doing checking on him? The door opened, but only slightly and Jarmo appeared. Juha still wasn’t sure what to make of any of this and decided to wait and see what would happen.

“I made breakfast. Do you want some too?” He couldn’t stay long though. He had to be in the studio in thirty minutes.

Juha checked his stomach, which promptly growled. “I guess that’s a yes.” Bewildered, Juha watched as Jarmo carried a tray inside. “What’s this? Room service?” He couldn’t remember Jarmo ever doing a thing like that before!

Jarmo felt embarrassed: he was making an effort and it was obvious both of them didn’t know how to react to that. “It’s only breakfast,” he down played his action and placed the tray on the side of the bed.

Juha felt like he had entered some weird parallel universe and couldn’t stop staring at Jarmo in shock.

“I didn’t know what you’d like so I added a little bit of everything.” When he had checked on Juha around seven, his younger brother had been so fast asleep that he hadn’t wanted to wake him, even though Niklas had asked him to do so. He had told his father that Juha was awake and had lied to him – something he very seldom did. But he knew that Niklas wouldn’t care enough to check and therefore his lie would remain undetected.

Juha looked at the tray and found fruit juice, milk, cereal, toast, toppings and even porridge on it. Jarmo had really made an effort to present him large variation of foods. “That’s very nice of you, thank you,” Juha said and grew slightly flustered. The hand with which he reached for the orange juice trembled slightly. They both noticed it and Juha quickly said, “It’s nothing.”

For Juha’s sake, Jarmo hoped that it really was nothing serious. “Father told me about the tests Auvo wants to run on you.” Normally he would drop Juha off at the hospital and then pick him up again after Juha had called that he was done, but this time… “I’ll stay with you. It might be easier on you that way.” He cringed at the way Juha’s eyes widened with gratitude.

Juha would have loved to hug his brother, but knew that such an action was out of the question. “I appreciate that,” he said and ate some porridge after adding four table spoons of sugar to it. He noticed Jarmo cringe and shrugged. “I like it that way.”

Jarmo sighed: it was beyond him how Juha could eat that. “Have it your way. If I were you, I’d stay in bed and enjoy not having to do any assignments.” Jarmo even went as far as to place his acoustic guitar onto the bed so Juha could reach it.

The expression in Juha’s eyes softened and he smiled winningly at Jarmo.

Jarmo didn’t know how to react to that and got to his feet. “I’ll drive you over to Mikko at five thirty, so crawl around five out of your bed.”

Ui, Mikko! He would see his friend again that evening!

Jarmo noted the way Juha’s eyes became alive. Juha really liked Mikko and he was fine with that, hoping that Mikko would be there for Juha, simply because he didn’t know how to support his younger brother. “Enjoy your lazy day!” Jarmo closed the door behind him and headed downstairs to get ready to drive to the recording studio. He was careful not to run into his father, knowing Niklas wouldn’t approve of him pampering Juha in such a way. If Niklas found out, there would be a major lecture about him not keeping his distance and showing his feelings!

TBC

Part 6

Juha took Jarmo’s advice to heart and stayed in bed all day. It was an unknown luxury not to have his father breathing down his neck, constantly giving him new assignments. He watched television, played the guitar, and napped for most of the afternoon. He was asleep when Jarmo woke him so he could ready himself to visit Mikko.

“I found a note from our housekeeper. You had some calls and she knocked, but you must have been too sound asleep to notice it.” Jarmo dropped two notes onto the bed, where Juha was doing his best to wake up fully.

Juha cringed at finding out that Jaana had called and apparently she’d demanded he called her right back. Well, she had called five hours ago, so he was too late at calling her at any rate. He suspected she would only lecture him anyways. He regretted having slept through the second call though. Mikko had tried to call him during his lunch break and he had been asleep damned! He really felt guilty and would tell Mikko so that evening.

“Why don’t you get dressed and join me downstairs when you’re ready to go? And no, father isn’t at home.” Jarmo had caught his younger brother’s questioning look. He left the room and went downstairs.

Juha pushed down the comforter and placed his feet on the floor. Rising from the bed, he was relieved that he experienced no head rush. He went into the bathroom where he splashed water onto his face. Ideally he would have taken a shower, but he lacked the energy to do so. He hoped he didn’t reek too badly.

After dressing in jeans, a black sweater, and his favorite boots, he went downstairs. The television was on in the living room, so he checked there and found Jarmo watching a game. “I’m ready,” he announced in a whisper, as he didn’t want to disrupt anything. Jarmo however simply switched off the television and walked over to him. Although Jarmo was only ten centimeters taller than he was, his brother’s build was much heavier and his shoulders broader. Physically they didn’t look like brothers at all.

“Let’s go then!” Jarmo headed outside and Juha followed him. A few minutes later, they drove away from the house and headed for Mikko’s place. Normally it would be silent in the car and neither of them would talk, but this time, things were different.

“I tried those changes you mentioned – for that one song,” Jarmo said, breaking the silence to his own surprise. A peek at Juha’s face showed that his younger brother was equally surprised.

“And?” Juha turned his head and gave his brother a timid smile.

“It worked. I think I’ll keep it. We’ll record it tomorrow.” Juha’s face exploded into a huge smile and not even Jarmo could keep his face straight. He chuckled. “Thanks for helping me out.”

“Any time!” Juha felt so damn proud for having fixed Jarmo’s problem with that song! And it had been easily fixed too!

Silence descended onto them again and then Juha took the initiative. “That was really nice of you to make me breakfast this morning. Thank you for doing that.”

“You’re welcome.”

They grew silent again, but Juha continued to grin all the way to Mikko’s place.

~~~

“Mikko, Juha won’t get here any faster if you keep staring out of the window like that!” Lea felt amused, seeing Mikko with his nose pressed against the glass.

“I know it! I’m impatient, but I can’t help it! I’m worried!”

“Because of his trembling? The vertigo and him eating so badly?” Mikko had told her everything when he had gotten home last night. She sympathized with her son, understanding why Mikko worried. She had only seen Juha briefly that one time, but he had been pale and thin, but then again, most boys Juha’s age were skinny!

“There he is! I recognize the car!” Mikko raced to the door, opened it, and nearly tumbled down the staircase. He caught himself only just in time.

“Mikko, be careful!” Lea grinned however. She knew her son’s enthusiasm only too well!

Mikko flung open the front door and grinned at Juha who had just raised his hand to ring the doorbell. “Hei!” he said and blushed.

Juha couldn’t help it: he burst out laughing – Mikko looked like he had just run the marathon. “Did you miss me that much?” Although he had meant it as a joke, Mikko’s blush deepened. Juha timidly met Mikko’s gaze and they stared at each other. It was a good thing that Jarmo had already left, that way his brother couldn’t witness any of this. “Aren’t you going to ask me inside?” Juha said when Mikko continued to give him a silly smile.

“Sure, come on in.” Mikko wanted to mentally slap himself. He had really forgotten about that while staring into Juha’s eyes which sparkled with mirth. He stepped aside to let Juha in and closed the door. “Do you know the way?”

“I think I do,” Juha said and chuckled. He slowly climbed the stairs, not wanting the vertigo to return by rushing things. “So how was work?”

“Great! I’ll tell you all about it, but let’s go inside first!” He didn’t want to discuss anything out here where his neighbors could listen in!

Lea had appeared in the doorway and gestured for Juha to come inside. “Ah, there you are, dear. I hope you’re hungry and didn’t have dinner yet!” She took his arm and pulled him inside, noticing the jealous look her son gave her. It made her grin. “Please sit down!” She maneuvered a rather shy looking Juha to one of the kitchen chairs and then walked over to the kitchen counter. “Do you like pancakes?”

Juha needed a moment to orientate himself. He was barely inside and she was already cooking?

Mikko sat down next to Juha and took the redhead’s hand in his. “She’s just fixing the batter. We can make the pancakes when we feel like it.”

Juha nodded and frowned. Everything was so different the moment he stepped inside their apartment. “I’m hungry…a little bit,” he added. He watched Mikko’s mother prepare the batter and once she had finished, she poured them ice tea. She winked at him – at which he blushed – and then left them alone.

Mikko felt amused, realizing his mother had made Juha blush, and this time, she had even behaved and done nothing naughty! “You’re not really used to being around women, are you?”

Embarrassed, Juha nodded. “There was my mother of course and then there’s Jaana, but that’s about it. The guests Jarmo and my father bring home are mostly men, so…”

“It’s okay. It’s nothing to worry about,” Mikko said and patted the back of Juha’s hand.

“I want to apologize for not answering your call this afternoon.” Juha averted his gaze.

Mikko dismissed it by waving it away with his hand. “Again, don’t worry about it, but I *am* curious. Why couldn’t you come to the phone? That lady tried to get you.”

“I had fallen asleep. Jarmo had encouraged me to be lazy and stay in bed and…I fell asleep again.” Juha blushed, feeling embarrassed. “I should have switched on the alarm clock.”

“That’s nonsense!” Mikko declared vehemently. “I’m glad you got that much sleep!” When Juha hadn’t answered his call, he had been worried that something bad might have happened, but now he felt reassured. “So how are things at home?”

Juha shrugged. “About the same, except that I don’t have to do any homework until the results of those tests are in.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Mikko smiled reassuringly. “Hey, look at me!”

Juha slowly raised his head. “And how about you? How was work?”

“I sold a bass guitar today! My manager was proud of me and praised me! It was great!” Mikko had had a great first day! And there was more to tell. “Wait here,” he said and scooted into his bedroom.

“And where should I be going?” Juha asked, relaxing and growing more comfortable.

A moment later, Mikko returned and placed a couple of photographs onto the table. “The best thing is that I found a two-bedroom apartment! It’s affordable and close to this place! It’s perfect! If everything goes according to plan I can move in there in two to three weeks! Isn’t that great?”

Juha studied the pictures. Yes, the apartment was small, but had large windows which let in a lot of light. “Looks lovely.”

“I’ll have my own place then! Sure, I’ll miss my äiti, but I can drop by any time! And you can visit with me and stay the night if you want to!” Mikko sighed contently. “And if I got some money left, I’ll buy a second-hand car, a cheap one.”

Juha smiled at Mikko. “That sounds like you’ve got your life sorted out.” His life however would be sorted out by his father, telling him what he would study and where.

Mikko put the pictures away and took Juha’s hand in his, which didn’t tremble for a change. “You said you were hungry, didn’t you?” Juha nodded, and Mikko pulled Juha toward the counter. “Let’s make pancakes!”

Juha wasn’t so sure about that. “I never made any before.”

Mikko gave Juha a surprised look. “What?”

“If we had any, my mother made them. I know I’d make a mess if I did. Why don’t I watch you instead?”

“No way! You’re making your own!” Mikko took the pan, switched on the stove, and added some butter. “It’s not that difficult.” He waited until the pan was hot enough and added the mixture. “Now, what do we put in there?”

Juha frowned. “Put in?”

“Yes, exactly! What do we put in?” He walked over to the fridge, opened it, and took out several small bowls which were filled with grated cheese, chunks of apples and pineapple, raisins, and banana. “You love banana, don’t you?”

Juha’s frown deepened. “You want to put that into the batter?”

“Like this!” Mikko dropped some apple and raisins into the batter and when it was done, turned it around. “See? It stays perfectly and tastes yummy!” He could have made spicy pancakes too, but since Juha preferred his food sweet…

Juha still wasn’t convinced though. “Are you sure that works with banana slices too?”

“Sure!” Mikko put the ready pancake onto a plate, added more butter, and then stepped aside. “Next one is yours.”

“And what if I ruin it?” Juha nibbled on his bottom lip.

“Then I’ll help. Come on! It’s not that difficult!” Mikko curled his fingers around Juha’s and helped him ladle some of the batter into the pan.

Juha wasn’t sure when to add the banana though. “Now?”

Mikko nodded. “Sure, go ahead!”

Juha neatly placed some banana slices in the mixture and after giving it a moment’s thought, added some pineapple too. “And now what?”

“Now we wait until we can turn it about.” Mikko grinned: the concentrated expression that had appeared on Juha’s face was cute! “You can turn it around now.”

Juha managed to flip it around and smiled at Mikko. It was amazing, Mikko thought, how easy it was to make the redhead smile. “Well done,” he said and nodded. Juha’s smile grew even more radiant. Mikko put the pancake on Juha’s plate and carried the food over to the kitchen table. “If we’re hungry for more, we’ll make more!” he announced.

Juha made big eyes when Mikko added a car load of sugar to his pancake and on top of that, strawberry marmalade. “You’re making a mess!” He giggled when Mikko dipped a finger into the topping and then liked it off.

“Hey, you must make a mess when you have pancakes!” Mikko wondered what Juha would do after that announcement. And yes, the redhead tentatively took hold of the chocolate sauce. “Go on!” Mikko encouraged him.

Juha uncapped the plastic bottle and then created a smiley on his pancake. Giving Mikko a smile, he felt smug.

Well, it was a start! “Let’s dig in!” Mikko started to eat and a smiling Juha joined in. They continued to smile at each other all throughout dinner and didn’t even notice Gorbi stealing some of the banana slices on the kitchen counter.

~~~

“Are you sure your mother doesn’t mind?” Mikko had suggested moving into the living room, but Juha had seen Lea watch television there and didn’t want to intrude.

“She’ll be happy if we join her for a short while. We’ll disappear into my room later!” Mikko gently shoved Juha into the living room and then moved him over to the couch where he sat down next to the redhead. “So what are we watching?”

“Recordings from Tammerfest,” she said and sighed. Addressing Juha she added, “I really wanted to go this year, but unfortunately I have to work.”

“Any interesting bands?” Mikko asked as he pulled Juha’s hand into his lap to rub the surprisingly cool fingers.

“Yes, a band called Negative. The singer looks cute.” Lea then switched off the television and turned her chair around so she could watch then more closely. “Did you make any pancakes?”

“We left you some, but you’d better be quick or else Gorbi might get them!” Mikko said jokingly.

“I’ll have a look in a moment,” Lea said and eyed Juha closely. “Juha, I want you to know that if you ever feel like spending the night here that it’s okay with me.”

Juha felt how another blush settled on his features. “Thank you, but I doubt my father would ever permit that.”

“Your father must have some rod up his ass!” Lea blushed and then apologized. “I shouldn’t have said that, but Mikko told me about him and I don’t like him.”

Juha shrugged. “He’s hard to get along with, I know that.”

Lea bit on the tip of her tongue, as she didn’t want to embarrass Juha further by telling him exactly what she thought of his father. Instead, she got up and walked toward the kitchen. “You two sweeties can surely entertain yourselves! I’ll have a bite to eat!”

After she had disappeared into the kitchen, Mikko pulled Juha to his feet again. “I know what we can do!”

Juha wondered what Mikko’s plans were this time.

~~~

Seated on a comfortable bench on the balcony and sipping from his ice tea, Juha had to admit that Mikko’s idea was great. The sun still shone rather strongly and warmed them and Juha closed his eyes in bliss. This was nice and what made it even better was that Mikko was holding his hand.

“So what are your plans for tomorrow?” Mikko asked.

“I should go see Jaana or she’ll eat me alive for neglecting her,” Juha said in a depressed tone.

Mikko didn’t like that one bit. “Does that mean we can’t see each other?”

Juha had to smile. “I always see her during the day. I’ll be at home tomorrow evening, so if you want to drop by, please do!”

“I can do that, no problem!” Mikko’s mood brightened again. “So what time should I be there?”

“Why don’t you show up around seven? At that time, my father shouldn’t be at home and Jarmo will let you in.” Juha pulled Mikko’s hand into his lap and stroked the soft skin. “Mikko, can I tell you something…personal? Something…private?”

Mikko nodded. “Of course you can!”

Juha was nervous and it showed as he lowered his gaze and moistened his lips. “I want to thank you for everything you have done so far. We haven’t known each other that long – six days to be exact and yet, you have become very important to me. During these last few days you’ve become a really good friend and I hope you won’t vanish again. I’d really like to keep in touch and…”

Mikko sighed and enfolded Juha in a hug. “I’m moving two blocks, Juha. That doesn’t mean we won’t see each other regularly. Have a little faith in me, will you? I like you a lot too and it might sound odd, but I can’t imagine you *not* being a part of my life. I know, we’ve only known each other for six days, but to me, it feels like a life time.”

Juha raised his head and managed a weak smile. “I never thought I could trust someone like this. You’re basically a stranger and yet I feel like I *know* you. Do you know what I mean?”

Mikko nodded. “Trust me! I do!” An awkward and pregnant silence hung in-between them, but then Gorbi jumped onto Juha’s shoulder and climbed into his hair.

Juha burst out laughing and pulled the little rascal away from his mane. “You’re cheeky!” Gorbi, with his tiny, glittering back eyes stared right back at him. “He’s cute,” Juha said and patted the ferret.

Much to Mikko’s surprise, Gorbi allowed it. Juha didn’t know it, but the ferret didn’t like being pet at all! Keeping his arm wrapped around Juha’s waist, Mikko leaned against him and together they watched the sun set.

~~~

“Juha, I mean it. If you ever want to stay the night, it’s okay with me!” Lea said as she hugged Juha goodbye for the night. “And come see us again soon!” She really liked the shy redhead.

“I will,” Juha said, confident that he could keep his promise now that Jarmo had become less strict. He hugged her back, tentatively though, and then Mikko walked him downstairs to the building’s front door. Before Mikko could open the door, Juha surprised himself by wrapping his arms around Mikko and pulling him close. “Come see me tomorrow evening, yes?”

Mikko nodded. “I’ll be there.” Reluctantly he opened the door. He would have liked to ask Juha to stay, but he knew that was impossible. Niklas would never allow it and Jarmo wouldn’t risk annoying his father. “Try to get some sleep tonight.”

Juha stepped onto the street. Jarmo was already waiting for him and he knew he couldn’t stall any longer. “Sleep tight, Mikko.”

“Have some sweet dreams!” Mikko called out when Juha headed for Jarmo’s car. He sighed. He didn’t want Juha to leave. Damn it, sometimes life just wasn’t fair!

~~~

That night, when Juha turned onto his side and tucked the comforter around him, his thoughts constantly strayed to the evening he had spent with Mikko and Lea. He felt different when he was at their apartment. He acted different when he spent time with Mikko. It was like his whole persona changed whenever they were together and he liked the person he became around Mikko. He didn’t like the person though who popped up whenever his father wanted to see him. He always felt small and insignificant and even worse, unloved and unwanted.

In a way, he understood why his father was the way he was. Niklas had always been taught to be ‘a man’ and to never show his emotions. Showing weakness was a crime to Niklas and he had raised his sons in that way. After Helena had died, Niklas had increased the emotional distance between them, making it impossible for Juha to get through to him. For a long time, he had thought that Jarmo was lost to him as well, but his brother had changed during the last few days and that gave him hope. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, he would find a way to build some sort of relationship with his older brother.

~~~

Juha dragged his feet over to Jaana’s house. She didn’t live that far away. It was a twenty-minute walk and he had decided he needed the exercise. He really didn’t want to see her, expecting her to be quite furious with him for neglecting her, and she was right. He *had* neglected her since he had met Mikko.

After drawing in a deep breath, he rang the doorbell and when the housekeeper opened, she offered to take him to the living room where Jaana was watching television. Argh, he really didn’t want to be here! But when she looked up and saw him standing there, it was too late to run.

“Juha!” She jumped to her feet and ran over to him. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. She didn’t even notice him tense up or the fact that he wasn’t really returning the embrace.

Even though she wasn’t Mikko, being hugged felt right, and in the end, he raised his arms and completed the embrace. He was stunned that she wasn’t angry with him.

“I missed you so much and I’m so glad you’re finally here!” She took his hand in hers and guided him upstairs into her bedroom. She closed the door behind him and pulled him over to her bed, where she sat down. “Come on, sit,” she said and patted the mattress.

Juha sat down, feeling uneasy, and then handed her the gift he had brought in order to please her, just in case she had been furious with him. “I brought you some chocolates.” Heart-shaped they were, since he *did* care for her.

“Thank you!” She opened the box and tried one. “I love them… and I love you!” She gave him a look that was meant to entice him and then moved onto his lap. “I’m glad you finally decided to make things up to me.” Leaning in closer, she slipped her hands into his hair and brushed her lips over his. “You taste so good.”

Juha was totally overwhelmed. He had come to talk and to apologize for forgetting to call and now she was all over him. One of her hands had slipped beneath his shirt and the way her fingers stroked his skin felt nice and was relaxing, but somehow it didn’t feel right.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this. Juha, I really love you and I want you…” She placed her hands against his shoulders and pushed him onto his back while rubbing her lower body against his. “You want me too, don’t you?”

Juha wasn’t sure what he wanted. Jaana felt warm and soft against him, but she was moving too fast. He wasn’t even sure yet that they should remain together and she… He bit hard on his bottom lip as her hand sneaked below the waistband of his boxers and he grabbed her wrist, pushing her away from him. “No,” he said, panting hard. “Not like that.” But his body had responded to her touch: he was hard and he knew she had noticed it.

“Don’t be like that! We can have sex! I’m on birth control!” She crawled on top of him and tried to slip her hand into his jeans. “Just let me do this,” she whispered as seductively as she could.

But all she accomplished was that Juha was turned off. “No,” he repeated. “I don’t want this!” She stared at him in bewilderment and Juha felt torn between guilt and anger. Juha was tempted to lower his gaze again, but didn’t.

“What’s your problem?” Jaana glared at him. “Everyone our age is having sex!”

“But I don’t want it to be sex! I want to make love!” Juha tucked his shirt back into his jeans. “And lately we fight all the time! I can’t forget about that and…”

Jaana’s eyes narrowed. “Juha, I demand an answer. Are you gay?”

Juha stared at her in shock. “What did you say?”

“Do you like boys better? Is that the reason why you won’t have sex with me?”

Juha blushed and couldn’t lie to her. “I like boys.” He couldn’t deny the truth. “But I like you too! It’s just…we fight all the time and you… I need time to get to know you… I need time…”

Jaana sighed. “I know that you’ve been through hard times. I liked your mother a lot.” She sat down next to him and glanced at him. He wasn’t crying, was he?

“I can’t talk about her at the moment.” Juha let his long hair fall in front of his face so she couldn’t see his tears. “I’d rather go home now.”

“Juha…” She brushed the long hair aside and palmed his face in her hands. “I really care about you, but you need help.” She looked him deep in the eye. “My father’s a therapist, you know that. If you want me to, I can ask him to talk to you.”

But Juha shook his head. “No, thank you.”

Jaana sighed and caressed his face. “Juha, what do I do with you?” she asked, feeling clueless. He shrugged and she sighed. “It might be best if you went home, Juha. I really don’t know how to help you.” She pressed a kiss onto her lips. “But we’ll find a way.”

Juha smiled timidly at her. At times, he really didn’t know what to think of her, or make of her reactions. He got up from the bed and smiled weakly at her. “Can I call you?”

“Of course you can,” she said, sighing, and got to her feet too. “Juha, I…” She really was in love with him – his eyes, his hair, his voice, and she was so damn horny. “Bye, Juha.”

“Bye, Jaana.” Juha practically fled the room and ran most of the way home.

~~~

Juha let himself in and walked soundlessly down the hallway. That was when he caught Jarmo’s and his father’s voices. Although he knew that he shouldn’t eavesdrop, he wanted to know what they were discussing as they sounded agitated. He stole toward the study and hid in a dark corner.

“You push him too hard, father! Juha isn’t as robust as you think! He didn’t deal with mother’s death the way we did!”

That was Jarmo and Juha was stunned to hear that his brother was trying to help him.

“Jarmo! He’s way behind on his studies! He needs to catch up! I’m being lenient right now, but if those tests don’t show anything, I’ll put him back to work!”

That was his father and Niklas sounded annoyed. Juha pressed closer against the wall. The last thing he wanted was being discovered.

“Juha isn’t like us,” Jarmo continued. “You bury yourself in work and I…I have found my own way to deal with mother’s death, but Juha hasn’t.”

“I forbid you to mention her again! Her death is not a topic for discussion, not now! Not ever!”

Jarmo sighed and shook his head. “Father, you can deny her death all you want, but-“

“Enough!” Niklas roared. “We’ll wait for those test results. Until then, Juha gets a break from studying, but once they’re in and confirm that he’s fine, it’s back to work for him and no more spending entire evenings with this Mikko!”

Juha flinched. His father wanted to put a stop to him seeing Mikko? But why?

“I’d encourage him instead. Mikko does him good! Juha has few friends to begin with!”

“As long as he lives under my roof, he will do as I say and the same thing goes for you, Jarmo!”

Juha flinched again and decided he had heard enough. The longer he stayed, the more risk of discovery was involved. He went upstairs and soundlessly opened and closed the door to his bedroom. His head still reeled with what he had heard and he sat down on his bed. He had never thought that Jarmo would come to his defense or would talk back to their father. Especially because they had *only* discussing him and not something important.

He’d always thought that he knew Jarmo, that his brother was just like his father, but Jarmo had tried to look out for him just now, that was… Juha shook his head, still stunned.

He curled up on his side. He really didn’t know what to make of the conversation he had just heard and the knock on his door took him aback. He knew it was Jarmo. “You can come inside.”

Jarmo opened the door and made sure it was okay to step inside. “I just wanted to make sure you’re all right. You didn’t stay at Jaana’s place that long.”

“Why don’t you come over here?” Juha suggested, indicating the chair next to the bed. He felt a bit more confident after listening in on their talk.

Jarmo wavered: he wasn’t sure he should do that, but in the end, he sat down.

“I don’t know if I’m the right person for Jaana,” Juha started, but Jarmo’s expression told him that his older brother was quickly becoming uncomfortable, so discussing something like that was still out of the question. “But that’s something I need to figure out myself.”

Jarmo nodded. “Anything else?” What did Juha want from him?

“Will you let Mikko in? Just in case father is still around when he shows up? I thought he would be gone by now.”

“His meeting starts late this evening. If he’s still here, I’ll make sure Mikko gets inside.” Jarmo got to his feet again and headed for the doorway. “Stay out of father’s way if you can. He’s in a bad mood.”

Juha nodded gratefully. “I will.”

“I’ll send Mikko upstairs…” Jarmo offered Juha a wavering smile and then closed the door.

Juha sighed and closed his eyes, consoling himself with the fact that he had Jarmo’s support in case things became worse.

TBC

Part 7

Standing in the shadows near the bay window, Niklas watched Mikko get off the bus *again*. How many times had Mikko been over to visit this week? And how many times had Jarmo driven Juha to Mikko’s place? They must have seen each other each evening this week! Niklas bowed his head, drew in a deep breath, and sighed. Why was life so hard? Why couldn’t things be easier? Just a little bit?

He walked over to his desk and sat down. He uncovered a key from deep within his pocket and used it to open the drawer. Once it was open, he removed a picture frame which held the two pictures he cherished the most in the world. The first one showed Helena, his lovely wife. Helena hadn’t been a beauty, but he hadn’t cared about that. She’d had a heart of gold and under her guidance he had been able to let some of his feelings show in private settings. It had been a slow process though. His upbringing had really marked him. He still missed her every minute of the day and just looking at the picture caused him pain.

His gaze descended lower and fastened on the second picture. It showed them during a vacation, spent at a holiday park. Helena had convinced him to go and he had reluctantly agreed. The trip had turned out to be a success. Once he was in unfamiliar surroundings with only his family to fall back on, he had been able to let go. Helena had been so pleased…

The picture showed them standing in the snow. He had asked a tourist to take the picture so he could be on it too. Jarmo had made a snow man with his mother’s help and stood next to it, posing proudly. His little red cheeks showed from beneath the beanie he was wearing. Niklas smiled and moved his fingertips across the glass. Juha was next to his mother and Helena had wrapped an arm around him. Juha had been eleven years old at the time, and was the spitting image of his mother. He had grown a bit more masculine after that, but his wife’s features still clearly showed in Juha’s face. Juha looked happy in that picture, leaning against his mother and smiling cheekily into the camera. Niklas himself stood behind his wife and looked rather grim, although he had really felt happy at that time. It was hard to put away a mask which he had worn his entire life.

Looking at the picture again, he recalled how much he had wanted to put an arm around his wife’s waist and a hand onto Juha’s shoulder to show he cared, but even in a private setting, that had proven too much of a challenge for him.

Juha…

Niklas sighed. His youngest son wasn’t as robust as Jarmo. Jarmo was right in that aspect. Juha took after his mother in so many ways! And it was so damn hard to interact with him! Each time Juha stood in front of him, Helena’s ghost haunted him. It felt like a knife twisting his heart each time Juha looked at him and he had steeled himself against that emotion as he refused to be ruled by it.

He put the picture away and locked the drawer again. The key traveled back into his pocket. Niklas crossed his arms in front of his chest and considered what he should do regarding Juha. He doubted there was anything seriously wrong with his youngest son. Auvo was only making sure – that was why Juha was being tested. And tested on what exactly? He really should give his friend a call.

The door opened and closed again and Niklas heard Jarmo’s voice. So his oldest son had let Mikko in – interesting. It merely proved what he had suspected for some time, namely that Jarmo had changed. Something was making Jarmo more sensitive, more caring. He had taken his son aside and had talked to him about that -- that a man shouldn’t let his feelings show, but Jarmo hadn’t reacted as he had hoped. Jarmo had simply walked off with an angry expression on his face.

What was he supposed to do? What was wise? Forbidding Juha to see Mikko at this moment wouldn’t go over well and even Jarmo might protest his decision openly. He wasn’t sure what irritated him at Mikko’s presence in the house. He should be glad that his son had found a friend he could confide in. He wasn’t as blind as deaf as his sons thought him to be and he had heard Juha cry while Mikko was in the room with him. But at the same time, he was afraid Mikko might be a bad influence on his son.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighed. He felt tired, but going to sleep wasn’t an option, as most nights Helena was waiting for him in his dreams.

~~~

Mikko sat with his back against the headboard and Juha was stretched out next to him. There was still some distance between them and that irritated Mikko. “Hey, I don’t bite. Come over here.” Juha had just told him what had happened during his visit with Jaana and he could tell the redhead was close to crying. He raised an arm and indicated for Juha to scoot closer.

Juha tentatively moved closer. He wasn’t sure if it was okay for him to rest his head against Mikko’s shoulder as he didn’t want to assume too much. Mikko however had different plans and pulled him close until Juha could use Mikko’s shoulder as a pillow. Mikko wrapped an arm around him and like that, they stayed for some long minutes. “I don’t know what to do about her,” Juha admitted in the end.

“I can’t tell you what to do. You need to figure that out for yourself,” Mikko said in a reassuring tone. “You need to think about what you want out of the relationship. What she wants is pretty obvious.” He couldn’t blame her really – Juha was temptation incarnate! “But don’t worry too much about her. You need to be rested tomorrow when you go in for those tests.”

Juha’s gaze came to rest on his mother’s picture on the nightstand. “I’m relieved Jarmo offered to see me through the tests. I wouldn’t have been able to walk into the hospital alone.”

“I’m grateful too, but he’s your brother. He *should* be doing this for you!” Mikko rubbed the small of Juha’s back absentmindedly. It was a good thing that they both wore jeans and shirts for if he had been stroking bare skin, his hormones might have gotten the better of him. “What do you want to do tomorrow evening? Want me to come over here or do you want to come to my place?”

Juha wasn’t sure. “I’d love to spend the evening with you and your mother, but I don’t think my father will like it if I don’t show up. He’ll want to know if they found anything.”

“Do you think you’ll get your test results that fast? Doesn’t that usually take some days?”

“I don’t know. Did doctor Auvo say anything about that? I don’t really remember.”

“I don’t think he did,” Mikko said. “You’ll probably have to go back to get your results.”

Juha raised his head so he could look at Mikko. “Can you come over here tomorrow? I don’t want to risk annoying my father by not telling him how things went in the hospital and Jarmo will let you in.”

“Sure, I’ll come to see you.” Mikko worried. Tomorrow was Monday, he’d go back to work and Juha would be off to be tested. “If anything happens and you need to talk to me, call me at work…I’ll put the phone number on your desk.”

“I can’t call you during work! Your boss won’t like it!”

“I’ll explain everything to him.” Mikko guided Juha’s head onto his chest again. “Damn, it’s almost time for me to go again.” He wanted to catch a bus earlier so he could go to bed in time. He had to be rested for work tomorrow. “I mean it, call me!” Juha nodded and since the younger man’s head rested against his chest, the motion created a most interesting friction to which he responded by growing hard. Oh, even more complications! Like their situation wasn’t complicated enough yet!

~~~

Riding the bus home, Mikko couldn’t stop thinking about Juha. It really angered him that he couldn’t go to the hospital with Juha, but he couldn’t lose his job either. And there was the apartment. If he really wanted it, he needed the money to pay rent.

He bowed his head and closed his eyes, recalling how perfect Juha had fit against him when they had been resting on the bed – so very perfect.

~~~

The next morning, Juha was all nerves sitting next to Jarmo in the waiting room. He glanced at Jarmo, who felt uneasy seated next to him, but Juha was too nervous to care and grabbed hold of Jarmo’s hand. He needed the support and if Jarmo would condemn him for it, so be it!

Jarmo’s eyes widened at feeling Juha take hold of it. His first reaction was to pull his hand away, but then he noticed how cold and clammy Juha’s fingers were and he allowed it. For some reason this was harder on Juha than Jarmo had thought, but why? It would just be a few routine tests. There was nothing to worry about! Juha was young and resilient. Whatever was causing these problems was surely just temporary.

“Are you also coming inside with me? Please?” Juha wasn’t above begging at that point. He had managed to keep himself together when they had crossed that section of the hospital where their mother had died, but now, his nerves got the better of him.

Jarmo was about to say something when the door opened and doctor Auvo appeared. Jarmo would never know what he would have replied as the pediatrician asked them to step inside. He no longer had a choice in the matter and went inside. Juha’s hand was still wrapped around his and the pressure his younger brother was putting on his poor limb was amazing. He hadn’t thought Juha possessed such strength!

“Ah, Jarmo! It’s good to see you accompanying your brother.” Auvo gestured for them to sit down and then did so himself. “I worried, you know, considering that Juha showed up alone during our first few appointments. I had expected you or your father to accompany him.”

Juha’s first reaction was to say that he was old enough to come in alone, but he was curious to find out Jarmo’s answer.

Jarmo moved uneasily on his chair, but wasn’t able to get up because of Juha’s hold on his hand. This was a situation he’d rather not be in. “Something else always came up,” he said eventually.

Doctor Auvo raised an eyebrow. “How can something else be more important than your brother?”

Wow! Juha’s eyes widened at hearing his doctor’s answer. That hit bull’s eye and one look at Jarmo’s face told Juha how embarrassed his older brother was.

“But we’re not here to discuss your relationship with Juha,” Auvo resumed. “We’re here to make sure there’s nothing wrong with you!” he said and smiled at Juha. “We’ll do a couple of scans, draw some blood, and you’ll be asked to do some hearing tests and a couple of others as well.” He pushed a button and a co-assistant appeared in the doorway. “Ismo here will you take through those tests. Would you be so kind as to accompany him, Juha?”

That meant letting go of Jarmo’s hand, which Juha did. He got to his feet and dragged his feet over to the co-assistant, who seemed friendly enough, but Juha would have preferred to have Jarmo close instead.

“Don’t worry,” Auvo said, addressing Juha. “Just go along with everything they want you to do!”

Juha nodded and Ismo closed the door behind them, leaving Auvo alone with Jarmo.

“How long will it take?” Jarmo asked.

“One hour, maybe two. Depends on if the scans come through okay the first time and there’s always a short waiting time for the MRI scanner. That one is popular.” With that remark he achieved exactly what he had wanted – rousing Jarmo’s interest.

“A MRI scan? Why do you need to make one of those? Surely, there’s nothing wrong with Juha!”

Good – he heard concern in Jarmo’s voice. “We want to rule everything out, don’t we? Don’t forget that Juha is experiencing vertigo, tremors, and lost his balance. He also lost weight and it shows on him!”

Jarmo couldn’t deny any of that. “What do you think is causing that?” Auvo had been his pediatrician until he had turned nineteen and they had gotten to know each other a bit throughout the years.

“I can’t tell you that, Jarmo! Medicine isn’t about guessing what’s wrong with a person! It’s about examination and diagnosing a patient’s symptoms!” Doctor Auvo smiled reassuringly. “I’d be surprised if anything serious shows on those scans, but we have to make sure, don’t we?”

Jarmo nodded. “You’re right…” He got to his feet. “When can I pick him up again?”

Auvo checked the time. “Around four o’clock. I’ll want a quick word with him once he’s done with his tests.”

“Do we get the results right away?” Jarmo asked as he walked over the doorway.

“Only if we find something serious. Go have some coffee, read a newspaper, or whatever it is you do when you have to wait! Go and do it!”

Jarmo chuckled softly. Yes, that was Auvo. He had always liked the unconventional man. As he was about to close the door, he noticed several new certificates on the wall. Strange, he hadn’t known that Auvo had become a surgeon as well!

~~~

Juha felt shaken and exhausted when Ismo returned him to Auvo’s office almost two hours later. Auvo had ordered a whole battery of tests and he felt like every part of him had been prodded.

“Ah, there you are! Sit down! Would you like some water?” Doctor Auvo saw the drained expression in his patient’s eyes and had noticed the slummed shoulders. Juha was definitely not his normal, energetic self. The change had been subtle and it had taken several months, but his patient had changed.

Juha sat down and nodded gratefully. “That would be nice, thank you.” He *was* thirsty and some water would do him good. Auvo handed him a plastic cup and he sipped his water. Looking about, he noticed that Jarmo was absent. “Where’s my brother?”

“In the waiting area. He’ll join us in a few minutes, but I want a few words with you in private before I call him in.” Some of the test results had already come in, but they only raised more questions and Auvo needed the others to come in as well before he could reach a diagnosis. Things didn’t look well though.

Juha nodded and sipped again. “In how much trouble am I?”

Auvo pretended to misunderstand since he didn’t want to discuss the results yet. He needed all the information first. “Meaning with Jarmo and your father?” Juha flinched and Auvo’s eyes narrowed in thought. “It must be hard on you, living with them now that your mother is gone. She was a great lady, Juha and I’ll never forget her.”

Tears pushed against his eyelids, which he had quickly closed. “Thank you, and yes, it isn’t easy.”

“Do you want to tell me what it’s like? I’m your doctor, Juha. Everything you tell me is confidential and I won’t discuss any of it with Jarmo or your father if you don’t want me to.” Hopefully that was enough reassurance for Juha to confide in him!

Juha wasn’t sure he should. He liked Auvo and had known the doctor his entire life. His mother had trusted him and maybe he should do the same. He stared at the cup in his hands when he said, “It’s hard to please my father. He expects so much from me and I feel like I’m constantly disappointing him.”

“In what way?” Auvo tried to make eye contact with Juha, but his patient kept his gaze lowered.

Juha shrugged, feeling insecure. “He wants me to study economics next year at university, but I don’t feel ready for that…and I don’t want that.”

Auvo sighed. “What would you like to do then?”

“I’m okay with studying, but I would like to do the Arts, not something like economics, just because my father makes his money that way.” Juha sipped some more and shifted his gaze over to the colorful drawings at the wall behind Auvo as he still felt too insecure to make eye contact.

“Did you talk to him about that?”

“No, why should I? Whatever my father says will be done. It’s always been that way.”

Auvo drew in a deep breath and felt deeply sorry for Juha. “Would you like me to talk to him?”

“It won’t matter much. I know Jarmo tried, but my father is…stubborn.”

“I’d call it egoistic and uncaring, but that’s just me. I’ll have a word with him, Juha. Maybe I can help.”

Juha shrugged. It didn’t matter much to him. His father wouldn’t change his plans for the future at any rate.

After having knocked, Ismo entered and presented the rest of the test results. Juha’s gaze traveled to the co-assistant’s face and frowned. Ismo didn’t look very pleased.

“Juha, please excuse me for one moment. I need to have a look at these. Why don’t you get Jarmo in the meantime? I’ll be right back.” Auvo couldn’t believe his eyes. He hadn’t really expected to find anything, although the symptoms *had* led him to believe that something was wrong. Quickly, he stepped into the next room to discuss their findings with his co-assistant.

In the meantime, Juha got up and did as he had been told. He opened the door to the waiting area and looked about until he found Jarmo sitting in the corner. “Auvo wants you to come inside again.”

Jarmo nodded, got to his feet, and stepped into the office. “You look tired,” he said, the words slipping past his lips unintentionally. He hadn’t meant to say that. Juha however gave him a weak smile and Jarmo realized that he had lost the battle not to get involved. Juha’s well-being mattered to him. Juha *was* his brother, no matter how different they were.

“I *am* tired.” Juha sat down and stared at the floor. “I wish Mikko were here.” Oops, he hadn’t meant to say that and peeked at Jarmo to see his brother’s reaction.

“You’ll probably see him this evening, or didn’t you make any plans?”

“He’s coming over. Will you let him in?”

Jarmo nodded. “He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”

Juha swallowed hard and kept his gaze locked on the floor. “I can talk to him about the things that worry me. He listens and takes me into his arms. I need that.”

Jarmo coughed in an attempt to cover up feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry that I can’t do that for you.”

Surprised at Jarmo being so honest, Juha raised his head and stared at his older brother. “I know that. I don’t blame you though. I know it’s the way you were raised… Our father’s influence on you.”

Jarmo’s mouth had gone dry and his throat felt cluttered, but he pushed on, suspecting he would never work up the courage again to say, “There’s so much of our mother in you, Juha. It makes you different and in my opinion, better.” He squeezed Juha’s hand and blushed fiercely.

Juha wanted to get up from his chair and hug Jarmo, but then the door opened and Auvo and Ismo appeared again. Juha’s eyes widened with worry when he saw the expression on Auvo’s face. Whatever those tests showed, it wasn’t anything good. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” he asked.

Auvo nodded his head. “I’m afraid you’re right. Something *is* wrong.” He hadn’t expected to find something like this, but should have known better. Juha’s young age was no guarantee that everything would be right. “I’m looking at the MRI scans right now…” He walked over to the corner of the room where he switched on a light that illuminated a square surface. He put the segment of the scan in front of it and studied it for another minute. He *had* reached the right conclusion.

Jarmo grew worried too and squeezed Juha’s fingers in an effort to reassure his younger brother, as Juha seemed about to panic. “What did you find?”

“It’s a tumor…In the left brain hemisphere. It’s still rather small and it seems to be operable…” Auvo turned around and sighed. “Juha, that’s the reason why you feel dizzy so often and why you lose your balance.”

Juha couldn’t believe it and shook his head in denial. “You must be wrong! You switched scans accidentally!”

“I’m sorry, but this is your scan. You have cancer, Juha.” Auvo wished he’d had better news for his young patient, but then again, Helena had died from cancer not so long ago. It could be hereditary. There was still so much that they didn’t know about cancer! He returned to his desk, moved his chair closer to Juha’s, and sat down. Seeing Jarmo was already holding Juha’s right hand, he took his patient’s left and rubbed the trembling fingers. “You have to come in again tomorrow for some additional scans. If I’m right and it’s operable, we’ll have to schedule surgery as quickly as possible. We don’t want it to spread, do we?”

Juha stared at Auvo in complete shock. “No, you must be wrong.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not.” Auvo looked to Jarmo for help.

Jarmo however felt stunned himself. “It can’t be…”

“Everyone can get a tumor. Your mother got one as well and she was only forty-nine years old.” Auvo hated having to point that out to them, but they had to start making decisions which might save Juha’s life. “I understand that you need time to deal with this – to accept it. This comes out of the blue and…” Auvo sighed when Juha started to cry and he waited for Jarmo to take his brother into his arms and to console him. But Jarmo looked lost and so Auvo wrapped his arms around Juha and pulled him close. “It’s okay to cry. This is a shock, I know that.”

Jarmo had let go of Juha’s hand and got to his feet. While his brother cried, he paced the office and was already thinking about driving home and having to tell their father the bad news. That thought actually scared him.

Auvo rubbed Juha’s back and held him tight. His gaze however followed Jarmo through the room. “What is wrong?” he asked the older Kylmänen.

“My father… I can’t tell him this! I don’t know how he will react and…” Jarmo went through his long hair with his fingers and shook his head.

“I’ll tell him,” Auvo offered. “You don’t have to do that.” Juha seemed to calm down at long last. At least the heart-breaking weeping had stopped for now. Auvo moved a bit away so he could study Juha’s eyes, which were red from crying. “You must be strong now, Juha. I’m going to fight and I need you to do the same.”

“Fight for what?” Juha wiped at his eyes. He felt weak and tired and fighting was something he couldn’t imagine himself doing. Who would give him the strength to do so? His father – who would never take him in his arms? Jarmo – who clearly had no idea what to do? Who else was there? Mikko perhaps? But no, his friend had just started a new job and was busy getting himself an apartment and a car. It wouldn’t be fair to place such a burden on Mikko’s shoulders. Mikko was still so young…

“I know this is a lot to take in, Juha, and I don’t expect you to make any decisions right now, but you need to start thinking about your options.”

“Which are?” Jarmo asked, having composed himself. In a way, he was relieved that his father wasn’t here with them. That would have complicated matters. Yes, Niklas would have taken charge, but he would have trampled on Juha’s feelings. He returned to his chair and sat down, taking Juha’s hand in his again.

Auvo released Juha from his hold and guided the young man against Jarmo, who had no choice but to fold an arm around Juha’s waist in order to steady him. “Your best option is surgery. I need more scans though to be sure, but the way it looks now it is in a section of your brain which can be operated on. There are some risks involved, but then there always are.” He didn’t want to overwhelm Juha any more than he already had. “We’ll discuss those risks tomorrow.”

Juha’s head rested against Jarmo’s shoulder and he barely registered the fact that his older brother was actually holding him. He felt numb – beaten and defeated. First, cancer had taken his mother away from him and now it was after him as well. Helena hadn’t been able to defeat the disease, so why would he do any better? “I’m going to die,” he stated emotionlessly.

“Not if I can help it!” Auvo said determinedly. He hated having to be practical, but some decisions had to be made. “Juha, I want you to go home and rest. Tomorrow, you’ll come back in for some additional tests. In the meantime, I’ll call your father and tell him what we’ve found. Is that okay with you?”

Juha nodded: his head spun and he felt nauseas because of the news he had just received. He had cancer, just like his mother had had. He had a tumor, like his mother had had. He would die because of it, just like his mother had. That line of thought pushed him over the edge and he burst out in tears. This time however, Jarmo didn’t back away and pulled him tightly against him and Juha clawed at his brother’s shirt.

“Juha, your chances are much better than your mother’s,” Auvo said, trying to give his patient hope. “Although it sounds paradox, your brain tumor is better operable than her tumor ever was.”

Juha however barely listened. His thoughts were still racing. He was going to die the same way his mother had. Horror visions of having to go through chemo assailed him and he started to shake like a leaf.

“Jarmo, stay with him. I know you’re not really close, but… Juha needs you.” Auvo scheduled the next tests and had Ismo checked the appointments. Once everything came through, he handed Jarmo a paper. “You’ll find everything you need to know in there. I want you to be here at five tomorrow.”

Juha rubbed his cheek tiredly against Jarmo’s shoulder. He couldn’t really be bothered with appointments now. “I want Mikko…”

Jarmo nodded and pulled Juha to his feet. He lifted his brother’s chin by placing a finger beneath it and managed to make eye contact. The expression in his brother’s eyes – which resembled his mother’s so much -- made him cringe, but he also realized that he had to be strong. “I’ll take you home and then I’ll call Mikko. I’ll pick him up and drive him home, okay?”

Juha nodded listlessly. At that moment, he was incapable of making any decisions. He just wanted to lie down with Mikko holding him.

~~~

“Be careful now. Don’t bump your head.” Jarmo was doing his best to be as careful and caring as he could around Juha. After guiding him to the parking lot, he now made sure that Juha got inside the car safely. Juha acted like a sleepwalker and wasn’t reacting to anything he said.

Juha cringed. Like that mattered. He had a fucking tumor inside his brain! But he didn’t lash out at Jarmo as he lacked the energy to do so. He allowed Jarmo to put on his safety belt and then leaned his head against the window. He was so damn tired.

“I’ll drive carefully,” Jarmo said as he started the engine. “And when we get home, you’ll go straight to bed to get some sleep. When you wake up again, Mikko will be there.”

Jarmo exited the car park and Juha turned his head toward his brother. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

Jarmo swallowed convulsively. “I’m not a total bastard,” he said, defending himself. “How can I not reach out to you?”

Juha nodded and closed his eyes. “Thanks for getting Mikko. That means a lot to me.”

Jarmo bit down on his bottom lip. It was a shame that he couldn’t be there for Juha in that way, but he still felt uncomfortable holding his younger brother.

~~~

Niklas put down the phone and stared blankly at the wall. No, not his son as well! Auvo had told him about the tumor and he had been unable to say much, except that he would be there tomorrow at six when the final results were in.

Juha had cancer…