Title: All of you
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email:
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing:
Bagoas/Cassander
Rating:
NC-17
Summary: Alexander is attacked by fever and disease during his dying days and
this causes Alexander to changes drastically. Bagoas finds himself
alone and shunned. But there is someone who still cares about him.
Disclaimer:
Oliver Stone's movie inspired my stories. No copyright infringement is
intended. This is for fun, not for making money!
Warnings: Completely AU! Alexander dies in this
story.
Author's notes, please read:
1. This story is written from Cassander's POV.
2. I also support the theory that Alexander died of
typhus or malaria and that he wasn't poisoned, which
Oliver Stone seemed to believe while making the movie. So the wine Alexander is
drinking is *not* poisoned!
3. I watched a documentary on National Geographic
the other day and was reminded that Alexander wasn't really as nice a person as
we make him to be in our stories. He was ruthless and killed/enslaved several
ten thousands of people. Toward his end, he had become a megalomaniac who
believed he was a living god. So, I decided to go for that version in this
story as Alexander plays no huge part in it and it helped to get Bagoas and Cassander
together.
4. There is a picture that inspired this story. You
can find it at http://photobucket.com/albums/y226/kyomine/alexander%20end/?action=view¤t=PDVD_196.jpg
5.
Cassander wasn't a nice person either. After Alexander died, he was responsible
for
Beta read by DA, thanks a lot, sweetie!
All
remaining mistakes are mine.
All of you
He is standing all by
himself again, but even from this distance his eyes never leave Alexander's
form. Those large, almond-shaped eyes carry rings beneath them these days. Watching
over Alexander the entire time is exhausting Bagoas. Ever since Hephaistion
died, Alexander has been losing his mind. Some say it is due to his mourning;
that he simply cannot cope with losing Hephaistion. Others say that he
contracted the same disease that killed Hephaistion and that it is only a
matter of time before Alexander will join his lover in death.
I once heard the rumor
that Alexander had promised Hephaistion to follow him into death and it looks
like he is determined to keep that promise. Drunk on the heavy wine as he is,
it is hard to tell if the heated expression in his eyes is due to the fever or
the alcohol. It is probably a combination of both. And where does that leave
Bagoas? He follows Alexander around like his shadow and is always there to take
care of him. But does Alexander appreciate that? No, he sends Bagoas away like
he is a stray cat.
I must admit that I never
understood the dynamics in Alexander's relationships with Hephaistion and
Bagoas. Hephaistion was a fool for allowing Bagoas into their relationship and Bagoas…
He seems lost to me – he always did – though I cannot explain why.
As I am seated opposite
Alexander, I salute him when he prepares to drink even more wine. Alexander has
never known when to stop and I believe it will eventually kill him – or help
the disease devastate his body. But looking at him now, I believe that
Alexander wants to die. He is inviting death the way he is acting and believes
that Hephaistion is waiting for him in Hades.
Alexander notices me and
gives me a look which I cannot decipher. It is haunted.
I know that I look peculiar
tonight. I would normally never dress in this way, but Alexander ordered us to
make an effort to look 'exotic' and I did my best. Wearing these clothes feels
strange. The red silk rubs against my lower body and caresses the skin of my
legs. This is the kind of garment Bagoas would wear and, at first, I refused to
wear this sarong, but in the end, I gave in. I do not wish to anger Alexander –
he has become too unpredictable. Upsetting Alexander might get me killed. He
never liked me to begin with. Honesty demands me to say that I feel the same
way about him. I feel that Alexander is too volatile, too unpredictable, and much
too arrogant. He has come to believe that he is a living god – Zeus' son. He
has become dangerous to us all.
Even to Bagoas, who he has
shunned since Hephaistion died.
~~~
"It is a cold night,
Bagoas." Bagoas spins around – and even that he manages to do in a
graceful way – and glares at me. We aren't friends. We never talk, so I understand
why being addressed by me now stuns him. "Would you like some wine?"
I offer him a glass of red wine, not the strong one Alexander prefers, but a
sweet, light one, which does not go to the head that quickly.
Bagoas' only answer is to
continue to glare at me. He probably thinks it will make me go away and on most
evenings his tactics would work, but not tonight. "You look a bit cold and
the wine might warm you." It is rather chilly out on here on the balcony.
Even in
His eyes remain suspicious
and he stares at the glass of wine like it contains poisoned wine. "It is
quite safe," I say and take a sip before offering it to him again.
"I do not drink
wine."
I cannot help it, but my
eyes widen. It is the first time ever that I hear Bagoas speak. "Why not
make an exception tonight?" His eyes seek out Alexander's form and I do
not need to look at my 'King' to know that he is completely drunk and making a
fool of himself. "Trust me... one glass won't make you act like him."
"I would rather
not."
Bagoas shivers and his
long, raven hair tumbles down his chest, as if trying to keep him warm. I want
to take him in my arms and warm him, but I know better than to do that.
‘Cassander cannot be
trusted’ How many times have I heard that said about me? I know that I am not
popular at Alexander's court and it was never my intention to become well-liked
to begin with. I speak my mind and am often shunned for it. In Alexander's
court, I am an outcast.
I have no idea how to keep
Bagoas engaged in conversation. For years, I have dreamt about walking up to
him and talking to him, but he had always looked so distant, so elusive that I
was afraid I would fail. Even now that I stand in front of him, the words won't
come to me.
"That is quite an
unusual look for you."
Bagoas' words jolt me from
my musings and I smile at him. That smile throws him off-guard. He is clearly
surprised that I am smiling at him. "When Alexander commands, one must
follow. Even if one does not want to do so." I
remember sitting down in front of the mirror and letting one of the older
eunuchs fix my clothes and hair. They still live here – some of Darius' old
eunuchs. They have no place to go and the palace has become home to them.
"I am surprised that
you let them do this to you."
Bagoas raises his right
hand and gingerly touches my face. The gesture surprises me, but I welcome it.
He is fingering the gold that has been applied to my brow and cheeks. Yes, I
must look exotic to him, for when I looked into the mirror earlier, I hardly
recognized myself. "It is something *you* would wear, is it not,
Bagoas?" It is the first time ever that I call him by his name and I am
pleased at how soft and gentle his name flows from my lips.
My tone surprises him and
Bagoas immediately lowers his hand and takes a step away from me. I am already
amazed that he touched me in the first place. "His men will take care of
him tonight, like they have done the last few nights." I do not know
exactly why I said that…
Bagoas turns away from me
and watches out over
"He no longer calls
for me at night. Al'skander prefers to be alone."
I hear the sadness, the
longing in his voice and it makes me take a step closer to him. Tonight almost
seems magical – it must be for me to take this step and try to cross the
distance between us – the emotional distance that is. "Sip some
wine." I take hold of his right hand which is unnaturally cold and wrap
his fingers around the glass.
Bagoas gives me another
look filled with mistrust and I return the stare. But I make sure my expression
is gentle, caring, and knowing.
"Why are you here,
Cassander?"
Oh, that is the first time
ever that my name rolled from his lips and I savor the sound. I try to answer
his question honestly, but that is hard because I do not have all the answers
myself. "Why? Because you looked cold and lonely and I felt lonely
too."
Bagoas raises the glass
and takes an experimental sniff.
I quickly reassure him. "It
is not like the potent wine Alexander usually drinks. You won't become drunk
after drinking one glass."
"Why should I trust
you?"
Bagoas' question has
multiple layers. Why should he trust me not to hand him drugged wine? Why should
he trust me to mean him well? Why should he trust me in general? "I mean
you no harm, Bagoas."
"It seems strange to
me that you try to befriend me after so many years, Cassander." Bagoas
remains undecided on whether to drink the wine or not. "You do not like
Alexander – you hate him."
"But you are not
Alexander," I say in an understanding voice. "You are Bagoas. You are
right: I do not like Alexander. I do not like what he has become. He has become
dangerous, Bagoas." He is so beautiful in his pain, his hurt. When I first
saw him in Alexander's company, I felt mesmerized. At sixteen, Bagoas possessed
an unearthly beauty and those eyes… those eyes were like liquid pools of night.
They called to me then and they call me still. I feel like I never met the real
Bagoas, only the person who he pretends to be. I *know* that there is a second
Bagoas, the real Bagoas, who never had the chance to come into existence and I
want to get to know him, the real him.
"He has been running
a fever for two weeks now and it is growing higher. He refuses to rest, though.
The doctors say that drinking wine like this will weaken him further. Death
will claim him quickly." Bagoas sips the wine after uttering those words
and bows his head. The dark hair acts like a curtain and keeps his face safe
from my probing glance. "It started after Hephaistion died."
"Bagoas? Would you…?" What? What do I want from him?
What has driven me out here in search of his company? He raises his head and
those amazing eyes fasten their focus on me. My mouth suddenly feels dry and
whatever it was that I wanted to say, escapes me. I have wanted his love for
some time now – years – but I always knew I could not have it – have him. He
belongs to Alexander. But Alexander is dying.
"I see in your eyes
what it is that you want, Cassander."
"Do you?" Then
he knows more than I do, for my feelings baffle me.
"I have seen it many
times before. Your lust and your desire is nothing new to me."
The look in Bagoas' eyes
turns icy cold and that expression shivers run down my spine. Is that it? Do I
merely lust after him? I always thought it was more than that.
Suddenly, Bagoas gulps the
rest of his wine in one go and then places the glass aside. The expression in
his eyes still gives me the chills and I take a step away from him. I feel like
I am the prey all of sudden.
"Why do you not take
what you want? Most men did so in the past."
Bagoas' expression changes
into a strange mixture of pride, acceptance, and shame.
"That is not…"
"Do not lie to me,
Cassander. You desire my body. It is not the first time that a man would take
what he wants."
Something about those
words alarms me, but I feel paralyzed and, when he suddenly grabs hold of my
hands and pulls me with him, I follow. I know the way he is taking: it leads to
Alexander's rooms. "We cannot go there. What if he retires early?"
"Do not worry. I have
my own quarters."
I did not know that. I
thought he lived in Alexander's rooms. He continues to drag me along and I know
that I should stop him, but I have wanted this for a long time. He opens the
door to Alexander's rooms, pulls me to the left, and pushes me into his
quarters. They are rather spartanly furnished: there is a bed, a chair, and a
desk, that is all there is.
Bagoas still has a hold on
my hands and he pulls me over to the bed. He is a vision in black and flesh.
The transparent cloth does little to hide his lithe form and the raven hair
dances against his skin. He is so beautiful and I thought that I would never
have him, but now I am here – this is my chance.
And I take it. Turning the
table on him, I pounce on him, press him with his back against the wall, and
attack those delicate, lush lips. I put my hands on him, as I need to finally
feel him. His skin is soft, like silk, but there is no mistaking that he is
male. He tenses against me, but his lips and teeth part and I finally get to
taste him, all of him!
Slowly, I register the
tension in the body I am pressed against. Bagoas feels rigid in my arms, not
pliable, and I pull away so I can study his eyes. The blank, accepting
expression acts like a cold shower and I still my movements. I stop pressing
him against the wall, create a bit more distance between us, but still keep my
hands in place on his narrow hips. The hurt that stares back at me from those
dark eyes tears at my very soul.
"What is wrong,
Bagoas? Tell me." I desperately want to please and reassure him. Did I
come on too strong? Was that it? I only kissed him like that because I want him
so much!
"You kissed me on the
lips."
Confusion, alarm, and
disbelief stare at me from the depths of Bagoas' eyes. "Bagoas, I am not
here to 'take' what I want. I am not." I run my fingers down his face and
they settle on caressing his lips. "Why do you not share your thoughts
with me?"
"My
thoughts?"
Bagoas actually looks distressed
and I decide to return his personal space to him. Although I regret breaking
our physical contact, I do so. It does not look like he is going to follow my
suggestion, so I take the lead once more. "I know that you do not like me.
Nobody likes Cassander. I hear them when they call me a spoiled brat, arrogant,
and a good for nothing. I let them because I do not care what they think of me.
I know who and what I am, Bagoas." He is listening closely and, now that I
have his full attention, I follow through. "I do not agree with Alexander
and the way he does things. I speak my mind and defend my opinion. And if he
and his men hate me for it, so be it. But I refuse to follow him blindly, like
so many men do. Each one of us can think independently and we should do so,
Bagoas. We are slave to no one."
My words surprise him and
that distracts him enough to let go of the tension that has been building
inside him. "I also do not agree with Alexander's decision to keep you close
so you can warm his bed."
Bagoas' eyes shoot daggers
at me and I am certain that if he'd had a weapon, he would have used it on me. "Peace!
Hear me out first!" Bagoas is still with his back to the wall and he has
no way to flee this room – he is trapped. "You deserve better than
that!"
His eyes widen
dramatically and his breath comes in loud gasps. He barely manages to control
his emotions and I back away further.
"How
do you know what I deserve, Cassander? Alexander is a King and he loves me!"
I hate being the one to
actually speak the words aloud, but I deduce no one else ever did.
"Alexander loved Hephaistion. He loves him even in death, Bagoas." My
words seem to deflate his anger. His shoulders slump forward and he seems to
crumble before my very eyes. I am tempted to take him into my arms, but I keep
my distance instead. "I have watched you for a very long time, Bagoas, and
I know you developed feelings for Alexander, but I always wondered if they were
real or if you merely made yourself believe you love him." Bagoas' head
jerks back and he glares at me. "I would understand if you did. Alexander
is…" I know he will understand without me speaking the words aloud.
Alexander is his master, even though Bagoas wears no slave collar.
"What do you really
want from me, Cassander?"
Bagoas reminds me of a big
feline – a leopard maybe – who is torn between running away and attacking me.
This can still go both ways. My next words will decide what future lies ahead
of us. "I want you, Bagoas. For now, I want you – only you." My words
carry a deeper meaning than Bagoas is currently capable of understanding. Maybe
in time, he will understand them fully.
"Then why do you not
take what you want, Cassander?"
I sigh deeply. I feel like
I am running in circles. Maybe I am approaching him the wrong way. My words do
not seem to reach him, maybe my touch will. "And will you let me then,
Bagoas?" I place my hands on either side of his head and probe his eyes.
Their expression is unreadable.
"You are not the
first to take what you want."
I nod my head – words
won't get me anywhere. Instead, I let one hand glide into his long hair. I
always wanted to do that – to feel its silken touch against my fingertips.
Lowering my other arm, I wrap it around his waist. I pull him close, but
without using any force, and this time he comes to me willingly. But I
understand his surrender for what it is. Bagoas accepts this because he needs
to feel some warmth, some love, and somewhere deep down in his heart he
believes I am capable of giving him what he needs. I vow that I won't
disappoint him.
Our lips touch and I kiss
him slowly, gently, so unlike the first time we kissed. I am not trying to slip
my tongue into his mouth, nor am I trying to pry his lips apart. It is a lazy
kiss, one that will hopefully tell him that I want *all* of him. But when his
eyes darken and fasten on mine, I know that he does not understand. The
confusion is still there in those dark pools of
He gives me a shaky nod
and it tells me that this is not what he thought would happen once I had him to
myself. He probably thought I would use and then discard him. But I am not like
that. I love like I live: without compromises and to the fullest.
"You are so beautiful
tonight." I whisper the compliment into his ear and his body begins to
react to mine. He never expected me to be so gentle and to go slow.
"I do not
understand…"
"Maybe in the end you
will." I rest my hand at the nape of his neck and massage the column for a
few minutes while staring into his eyes. Every once in a while, I nip at his
bottom lip or kiss him gently. His confusion mounts and I can pinpoint the
exact moment panic begins to take hold of him. I cannot afford to wait much
longer and press him close against me. He hardly weighs a thing and I easily
maneuver him toward the bed. Laying him down on the satin sheets, I continue to
smile at him. "You are trembling, Bagoas." I have never seen him so
uncertain, so afraid before.
"What are you doing?
I thought you wanted to take me."
"I will, but I will
do this my way." I straddle his hips and look at him. The raven hair is
fanned out over the pillow and his eyes are alive with emotions. They seldom
are so alive. Most of the time, they seem dead to the world. Just how much
emotion has he been repressing? Leaning in closer, I kiss him again, and this
time, his lips and teeth part. Instead of plunging my tongue in there, I kiss
him sweetly and then explore his mouth little by little. I touch each section
with the tip of my tongue and, once I am done mapping his mouth, I challenge
his tongue to a tender duel. His eyes, which stare into mine, mirror his
confusion, and it takes a few moments before he understands the playful
challenge and reacts. I am surprised at his timid reaction. I thought he had
been trained to please in bed. Or am I wrong?
"What are you doing
to me?"
His words are nothing but
a whisper and I smile at hearing them. He is trembling fiercely and I judge the
time ready to take this to the next level. I loosen the sash that holds his
robes in place and push the transparent fabric apart, baring him to my eyes and
touch. Even in his twenties, Bagoas has retained his boyish figure. I run my
fingers down his chest and place them palm-down against his flat abdomen. "I
always wanted to do that just once."
My words increase the
tremors that course through him and I soothe him with another kiss to his lips.
I always maintain eye contact as I need to know what is going on in that head
of his and I continue to caress his chest and abdomen. I then run my fingers up
his flanks. His nipples are hard, though I cannot tell if that is due to the
cold or my touch. "I need to taste more of you." Leaning in closer
once more, I place the tip of my tongue just below his Adam's apple and then
run it down his sternum, toward his belly button. He tastes of roses, spices,
and…
I taste salt when I lick
his face. Licking the skin beneath his eyes once more, I taste the salt more
pronounced. "You have been crying." And much to my distress, I see
that more tears are pooling in those jaded eyes. "Please do not cry,
Bagoas."
He fights them back, but
his trembling continues. Bagoas stretched his arms alongside his body and the
fingers are clawing at the sheet. His reactions surprise me. But, since words
did not get me anywhere before earlier, I decide once more to go for the direct
approach.
I slide my tongue down his
body until I reach his groin. The pouch that should have contained his
testicles is empty and is nothing but skin. I slide my
fingers beneath the sac and seek out his eyes again. To my dismay, I find tears
running down his cheeks. What is upsetting him so much?
"What are you doing
to me, Cassander?"
This time wonder and hope
fills his voice and I dare to hope that he finally understands my intentions.
"Bagoas, there is something you need to know about me." I might act
all cocky and confident, but I am not. "I have never been with a man
before."
Bagoas blinks. "Why
are you telling me this?"
"Because
I need you to take the lead. I
do not want to hurt you." We are both naked now and I rest my body atop of
his. I place my arms on either side of his head and probe his unfathomable
eyes. I am not hard yet and neither is he, though I am not certain he is
capable of having an erection. Alexander never shares such intimate details
with us. "Bagoas, you will probably not believe what I am going to tell
you next, but I am going to say it at any rate. I have watched you for years. I
have wanted you for years. That is why it infuriates me that Alexander keeps
you around to warm his bed, for you *do* deserve better."
He stares at me for long
moments and I can almost read his thoughts. I decide to speak them aloud.
"You are probably thinking why you should believe me. After all, I am
Cassander. I am not Alexander… Alexander does not even consider me his friend,
let alone trust me."
Suddenly Bagoas raises a
shaky hand and places its palm against my face. His fingertips rub against the
gold that is still attached to my face and I wonder how I look to him.
"I do not understand
you, Cassander."
"You do not have to,
not yet, at any rate." All that matters is that he is in my arms and that
is he warming beneath my touch. He felt too cold. "Will you make love with
me, Bagoas? I want that. I want that with you."
Bagoas' hand falls back
onto the mattress. "Cassander…"
"Are you afraid that
Alexander will find out and punish you for it?" Alexander is too feverish
– too obsessed with wine and Hephaistion's death these days – to notice, but I
do not speak the words aloud.
"I am more worried
about you, Cassander. What will Alexander do to you? I do not know if he will
grow angry with you when he finds out that I let you take me."
"Let me worry about
that. I can handle Alexander." Bold words, but I am certain that I can
stand my ground. "And you are definitely worth fighting over." A
smile settles on his features now that I have said that. "You look even
more beautiful when you smile."
"You call me
beautiful when I feel old and unattractive. Alexander has not touched me for
months… He does not even want me to warm his bed in the most innocent way. He
shuns my touch…"
"Alexander is a
fool." I push my hands beneath his back, press Bagoas close to me, and
slowly roll him atop of me. "I want you to touch me, Bagoas. I want to
feel you."
A dark expression settles
on Bagoas' face. "You know that I cannot perform in that way, do you
not?"
"I suspected as
much."
"I was too young when
they castrated me… I cannot maintain an erection."
He seems uncertain about
what I want and I know I need to tell him. "I want you to find pleasure
when we make love…" His dark eyes sparkle like stars and I shift him atop
of me, so he feels my erection. "I want you to be in charge of our love
making."
"To make love…"
Bagoas' voice carries
hidden traces of something… but what?
"Cassander, can it be
that you are in love with me?"
"It took you a long
time to figure that out, Bagoas." But he phrased it wrong. "I fell in
love with you years ago, but I could never act upon my feelings as Alexander
claimed you. I hated him for the way he treated you." I saw the way he
shoved Bagoas aside each time Hephaistion returned from a mission. "He
does not know what a treasure you are." I fell in love with Bagoas years
ago and I have loved him ever since. For years, I thought it would be an
unrequited love and, even now, I am not sure of his feelings toward me. Does he
have any? Does he care about me?
Bagoas reaches for
something. It is a glass phial, doubtlessly filled with oil. "Bagoas…"
I whisper his name the moment his fingers, slick with oil, touch my erection.
"Do not go too fast." I want to savor this. Again, he acts surprised.
"Go slowly… Make it
last." I grab hold of his hands, twine our fingers, and pull him close for
another kiss. I cannot get enough of his taste.
I do not know how he does
it, but suddenly I am engulfed in his tight heat. He lowers himself onto me and
I quickly use my hold on him to slow him down. "Slowly…" I have been
with women, but none of those experiences compare to seeing Bagoas take me
inside. "Slowly, I want you to enjoy this too."
Bagoas' expression is
something to behold. His eyes all of a sudden look old, even ancient, and the
look in them… I lack the words to describe the emotions in them. He
effortlessly takes me inside and then settles in my lap. "Let go of my
hands, Bagoas…" He complies and after squeezing his fingers, I place my
hands against his waist. "Do not move… Please do not move…"
"You are nothing like
I thought you would be." Bagoas' words show his surprise – his utter
confusion.
"I do not think that
there is someone who really knows me… The real Cassander… Maybe you do
now…" Being inside him feels good, but something is missing. I slide my
hands up his back and pull him close. Bagoas rests his upper body against mine and
I claim his lips once more. "I would gladly endure eternal torment in
Hades in exchange for your sweet kisses, Bagoas." He looks startled for a
moment and his dark eyes simmer with some emotion that I cannot label.
"Do you not want me
to move so you can find release?"
Making love makes Bagoas
nervous. Is it the intimacy that I am building between us that makes him
anxious? I was never interested in a quick lay. No, I want him – all of him.
"I am in no rush, Bagoas. I might never experience this again, so I want
it to last."
"Cassander, I…"
Whatever it is that Bagoas
wants to say, he does not speak the words and that is my doing, as I run my
tongue along Bagoas' upper lip. Slowly, I roll Bagoas onto his side.
"What are you…?"
Bagoas grows quiet and waits.
I cannot thrust deeply in
this position and that is exactly why I chose it for us to make love in. Bagoas
has been hurt so many times and I do not him to hurt again. *I* do not want to
be the reason for him to be in pain. Oh, those eyes. Those eyes tell me
everything. They speak of pain, betrayal, fears, and even hope.
I make love to him slowly.
I know to aim for his prostate and his moans lead me to believe that I am
hitting my target. I slip my hand toward his groin and find him semi-hard. Some
sort of fluid leaks from the head. Recalling what Bagoas told me earlier,
namely that he cannot maintain an erection for long, I concentrate on hitting
that sensitive spot inside his passage. I stroke his member at the same time,
but it refuses to harden further.
Bagoas opens his mouth to
say something, but I shush him. "I know…" I know what he wants to
tell me: that it is useless for me to try to bring him to orgasm by stroking
his member. "I know what to do." At least I hope so! After all, this
is my first time with another male!
At long last, Bagoas wraps
his arms and legs around me and he finally presses close. I tuck his head
beneath my chin and hold him close like that. This is what I hoped our first
time would be like – tender and gentle. No one really knows me, but maybe
Bagoas is now beginning to understand what I am like.
Unexpectedly Bagoas tenses
in my arms. The next moment, more fluid flows from his member and then his
inner muscle contracts around my length. I resolutely sweep the jet-black hair
away from his face, because I need to see his eyes. I need to know if he is
faking it. But the surprised expression in them tells me all that I need to
know. This is real – he climaxed. And once I know that I pleased him, I let go
myself.
Finding release in that
way – while being nestled deeply inside Bagoas – is divine. I know the truth in
that instant: Bagoas is the only one for me. I laugh bitterly at the irony of
our situation. But my laughter upsets Bagoas and I calm down again. I do not
want to confuse him any further.
"You smell nice right
after you come, Bagoas." In order to prove my words, I nuzzle his throat
and then lick the skin. Bagoas is still trembling and he does not know what to
make of our coupling. "Let me stay here a little longer." I know that
I cannot sleep here. If Alexander finds me he might kill me. Or he might turn
the other way and shrug his shoulders. I cannot take the risk.
"But not for
long."
Bagoas gingerly touches my
face and I lean into the caress, pushing against his hand. My member has
softened and I slowly pull out. "Wish I had lasted longer."
"You lasted
surprisingly long…"
I can tell that he wants
to add something, but he acts shy all of a sudden. "You can tell me."
"You made me climax…"
"Of course I
did." I finger a strand of his hair. "I said that I would make love
to you and I meant it. Well, I tried my best." In spite of all the bravado
that I radiate I feel insecure. I do not want to disappoint him. Bagoas grows
quiet and appears to be content to run his fingers through my hair or to touch
my face. I let him…
~~~
I have not spoken to
Bagoas since that night – three weeks ago. Alexander took a turn for the worst
and, now that I am standing at his death bed, I am more focused on Bagoas than
on the dying Alexander. Alexander lived his life, took risks which got too many
men killed, and chased after a ghost for his entire life. After all, Alexander
is only mortal. He *is* dying and a living god no more.
Bagoas is at Alexander's
side, as always. He places wet, cool cloths on Alexander's heated brow and does
his best to alleviate Alexander's suffering. The King is dying… Within seconds,
he will let go of his last breath and then his empire will fall apart. They are
already fighting over who will succeed Alexander and they twist the sounds that
leave Alexander's lips as he tries to name his successor.
I leave them to their
fighting. Crateros is trying to put his name on Alexander's lips and the other
Companions are trying to do the same. I want no part of it. Not now. I will
attend to matters later. I know to bide my time. These men will start fighting
over Alexander's empire like dogs fighting over a bone. I will get my chance
later. Now, my focus must lie with Bagoas.
Alexander releases his
last breath and the name he speaks sounds a lot like 'Hephaistion' to me. Even
in death, he thinks of his dead lover and yearns to be reunited with him. I
hope they will find each other again in Hades.
Now that Alexander is
dead, mayhem erupts and they really start to fight. They throw blows at each
other, trying to eliminate each other's claims before a full-blown war erupts,
and Bagoas is right in the middle of it. He is trying to protect Alexander's
body, as they are also fighting over who has the right to see after his remains.
I need to get Bagoas out of here before the situation becomes even uglier.
I grab hold of his waist
and pull him along. He fights me for a moment, but once he sees it is me, he stops
and allows it. I pull him outside and then wrap my arms around him. I guide his
face against my shoulder and hold him. "You have been strong for a long
time, Bagoas, but Alexander is gone and you can start to mourn." Bagoas
begins to weep softly and I rock him in my arms.
The noises coming from
inside Alexander's room grow louder and I hear metal clashing upon metal. They
must have drawn their swords then and I am relieved that I managed to get
Bagoas into safety just in time.
Bagoas raises his head and
looks at me with a tear streaked face. I feel for him.
"I have to go back in
there… Someone needs to take care of… his remains."
"Bagoas, they have
lost their minds. They are obsessed in acquiring their own little kingdom now
that Alexander is dead. They are fighting for land, succession, and glory. They
would tear you apart without giving it a second thought."
Bagoas blinks his eyes.
"If that is so, then why are you here with me and not in there staking
your claim?"
"I will get my chance
in time. Do not worry, I have my priorities straight."
"And I am it? I am
your first priority?"
"Bagoas, you always
were, but Alexander never let me." I give him a shy smile. "Remember,
I love you." I tighten my hold on him. "Stay with me, Bagoas. Do not
go back in there. All that awaits you there is death and the past. With me, you
will find life and the future."
Fatigue finally catches up
with Bagoas. He has been tending to Alexander for the last few weeks and has
gotten little to no sleep in that time. I know that because I checked on him.
It was always under the false pretence of visiting with Alexander, but in
reality, I went to see Bagoas.
Bagoas faints. I lift him
and carry him to my rooms. I will take care of him.
~~~
Bagoas wakes up two days
later and the look in his eyes tells me that he feels disorientated.
"Where am I?"
Bagoas scans the surroundings which are unfamiliar to him.
"You are in my
rooms." I sit on the edge of his bed and place my palm atop his brow. I had
asked the doctors to examine Bagoas, as I was afraid that he might have caught
the same disease that killed Alexander, but they assured me that Bagoas is only
exhausted.
"Eat something."
I hand him a plate filled with already sliced fruit, cheese, and fresh bread. I
also place a glass of water near him and then watch him pick at the food. "They
took possession of Alexander's body."
"What will happen to
his remains?" Bagoas pushes the plate aside and drinks the water instead.
"They placed it
inside a sarcophagus and they want to take him to
"That feels
wrong…" Bagoas raises tired eyes.
"I know. He should
find his last resting place in
Bagoas gives me a startled
look. I phrased it like that on purpose. I know my question upsets him. It is what
I want. Bagoas shrugs his shoulders and I feel alarmed at seeing the defeat in
the gesture.
"I can accompany
Alexander's remains to
"You must feel
terribly lost." I do not know exactly how I am going to handle this
situation, but I try my best. "There is a third option, you know."
Bagoas looks at me questioningly. Does he still not understand? "You can
come with me and be with me."
"Cassander, I…"
"No, wait, hear me
out first." I place a finger against his lips and he stops speaking. It
seems I must repeat the admission I made weeks ago. "I love you and I want
you at my side."
Bagoas raises his hand,
places it atop my arm, and forces me to lower my arm onto the bed. Now that he
can speak again, Bagoas says, "Cassander, your offer flatters me, but I
cannot accept it."
"And why is
that?" I am not giving up that easily!
"What is left of me,
Cassander? I served two Kings and I saw them die. I feel old… So terribly old
and I am not certain I can serve again – not even you."
He speaks the truth – I
see in his eyes that he is worn out, that he has had enough of life, and death
for that matter. It is my task to show him that he is wrong. "I do not
want you to serve me in any way, Bagoas. I am not like that. I want you – all
of you. Do you understand me? I love you, Bagoas!"
"Cassander,
why me? I am so tired… I just
want to lie down and die, just like Alexander did."
"No, you do not. You
are tired, exhausted, and you need time. You need time to mourn Alexander's
death and the life you used to lead. I understand that and I will give you the
time you need to adjust." Can he not see how much I love him? The things I
will do to know him happy?
Bagoas' raven hair falls
in front of his face and I can no longer read his expression. I allow it. After
long minutes, Bagoas pushes the strands behind his ears and looks at me. "Cassander,
how can you love me?"
"It just happened,
Bagoas. It is very easy to love you." Encouraged, I raise my hand and
caress his face. "I understand that you do not love me back – yet."
Bagoas finally manages a
weak chuckle. "You seem very confident that I will love you back one day
in the future."
"No, I am not."
I opt for honesty. "I hope you will, but even if you will never love me
back, I won't desert you because of it."
"I do not understand
any of this, Cassander."
"Do you like me? Even a little?"
"Yes, I do."
Bagoas' smile brightens a bit but then fades again. "But it is still too
early… Alexander's death is…"
"Still very close, I
understand." I will give him the time he needs. I wrap my arms around him
and he allows it. I hold him until his body goes limp. He has fallen asleep
again and I lower him back onto the bed. I tuck the blankets around his form,
place a kiss on his lips, and leave him to his rest.
Hopefully, in time Bagoas
will love me back.
The end.
(For now, or to be continued?)
